YulSic: Memories & Recollections
Title: Memories & Recollections
Pairing: Yulsic
Genre: go get tissues people
Word count: 4,080
A/N: yo soshipops!
Our memories are like pieces of paper
So to say
We can write down what we want to…
Over and over again… until the pages fill up
Then flip
There’s another blank page left for us to -
-fill them with joy…happiness… tears… sadness…
There’s not enough time for us to write all of them down…
However if one day we want to remember what is forgotten…
We turn back a page…
…
“D-do you remember what happened yesterday?”
Maybe I could say yes, maybe I should say no. Different words meant different things and I have no idea what to say. My heart wasn’t here, my words were somewhere else, there's nothing, I couldn’t express what I’m going to tell. It was like a tattler’s tale and still - like many people say it, kids loved these tales - I know I do - but somehow I couldn’t really recite this one.
“Can you?”
She asked again, my hands went into a fold - on top of my laps - she stared at me… the girl… in short pink dress with a cute Mickey Mouse hair band. What am I suppose to say… she’s… she’s…
She’s younger than me…
“Jessica unni… can you?”
If I said yes will you come back to me?
…
Everything was always about work and work; I remember I said and lived by that - I remember how selfish I was when we’re together. I didn’t take your calls, I didn’t send you messages, but still you’re here… in front of me… with roses… and chocolates…
You knew I like chocolates…
“Jessica, Happy Valentines”
You walked over to me, slowly from the door and gave me the roses and settled on the office table with your leg cross over the other…
You leaned down and kiss me…
“Let’s go on a date”
I was too busy to say yes…
But I was able to say…
“No”
You nodded, left the chocolates and roses… and walked away…
Why do you have to be so understanding about everything?
...
The next day came and here I am, still in the office with documents splayed out all over the space… crammed with numbers and charts… I still didn’t know what I could do with these things.
Because of these documents - my reason for everything - I couldn’t spend time with you. Yet when I could reject work… I didn’t do it… instead I would say no to you…
My heart partly knows why - Though I should not say such words - did it hurt you? But my selfish self has complete control over my actions.
I should have gone on the date yesterday, shouldn’t I?
I shouldn’t regret, should I?
Knock knock
I hate it when people interrupt my thoughts, but oh well, work calls…
“Come in”
“Hey Jessica”
I looked up from the documents, my eyes wide - looking at you - you were… what?… you’re still in the same dress as yesterdays… and… and… the roses and the chocolates…
“Happy Valentines”
You walk to me, with the smile as bright as the sun - accentuating with your tanned skin with the artificial lights above my head. You sat down on the office table again; your hands cupped my face - your beautiful lips closer to mine…
You kissed me…
“Let’s go on a date”
This was my second chance, I wanted to smile, but my hard grip on the table and my heart that was eaten by my selfishness said something that was like a replay from an old tape recorder…
Of yesterday’s…
“No Yuri”
…
I finally finished all the work; I went home - our home - yes our home - your car was parked outside our house. The house is humble and small with a little lawn and beach chairs on the porch where we usually would sit in the summer and enjoy a glass of lemonade.
And we’d have fluffy clouds floating by…
But now it’s night time…
There’s no sun and certainly no fluffy clouds...
I love our memories; if I could keep them in a freeze frame I would keep them forever and never forget. Walking through the door I quietly closed it, I’m afraid that I would wake you up.
After a bit of tiptoeing upstairs I entered the bedroom, and you were there sleeping soundly with a smile on your face.
Why were you smiling?
My heart wrenched…
Didn’t I reject you?
Didn’t I do something wrong?
Did you have someone else?
Questions… I have loads of them… the reason you smile today - it was something unusual - I was a bad lover - I made you cry - I caused you pain - and you being happy was something new… but I’m still too tired to ask why and ended up sleeping next to you. Arms around each other… we’re melting into one - with your breath on me…
I remember it smelled like coffee…
Bitter sweet coffee…
…
“Good morning my Princess”
I was woken by your voice, your heavenly voice - an angel herself had given it to you. The dark brown eyes were staring at me… and all I could do was smile back - though in my heart I felt I didn’t deserve to look at her.
“Jessica, Happy Valentines”
I shrugged, didn’t you said that about two days ago? What am I going to do… were you playing a trick on me? I felt insecurities about this - like history is repeating itself. And from what I’ve learnt… things that repeated itself… would be…
Disastrous…
…always
“Let’s go on a date”
“No”
“Okay”
And you leaned in to kiss me
Yuri what are you trying to do to me?
…
And like it was a broken time machine that I’m using… everyday repeated itself… for months I saw you at the door - my office door - the bathroom door - the garage door - the restaurant door - the elevator door - the fire exit door…
And you would say
“Jessica, Happy Valentines”
And you’ll kiss me…
“Let’s go on a date”
But today its different, it was the 100h day… and here I am waiting for the bus to come. As a person who likes to preserve the environment, I like to use the public transportation-my personal place to think-at least I could do something to our mother nature - and not pollute it…
Why do I feel like a hypocrite?
“Jessica, Happy Valentines”
I turned around, shock… how did you find me? I was in the middle of nowhere waiting for a bus and you miraculously appear in front of my face.
With that damn smile…
That you had everyday…
For the last 100 days…
I looked at you, shaken … but it was mostly anger. There must be something wrong with you, certainly there was… why were you here asking me for a date again?! Valentines have passed for days already and you’re still here with the stupid silly grin on your face… and the roses behind you back… and… and the chocolate in your hands…
“Let’s go out on a dat-”
This is enough…
“Yuri what do you want?!”
I fumed, and stared at her… the whole bus stopped and turned to look at me - staring because of my outburst. But I didn’t care… dame straight, I didn’t…
“Sica…”
“Yuri, why are you asking me this every damn day?!”
I yelled and pushed you backwards with my palms, you looked at me stunned but you’re still holding the box of chocolates and roses tightly.
“Sica… listen first… I was…”
“I’m sick of this!”
I cried and looked at you. I was disgusted by your action, your expression; I don’t know how much more I could stay this way, you coming like this - asking me out. Were you trying to make me feel guilty? Well, you certainly succeeded… just like our relationship… I was always the one that was wrong?
Yes, I admit it…
And here… right here, you are going to get back at me… by shoving it to me for what I’m really like and to make me take it all from you...again. You’re indirectly making me look bad… feel bad… I hate this feeling … I didn’t want this to happen… why are you doing this to me?!
“Is there a reason you do this EVERYDAY Yuri?!”
I screamed and snatched the chocolate and roses of your hands. Never did you say you loved me. Now with this entire act, Valentines - the day that people supposed to say I love you. Still you didn’t, I did… I remember I used to say I love you.
But now I didn’t say it. Did you know why? It was because you didn’t reply the words to me - it was an act in vain - an attempt to inflict misery - it was words I would never hear from you…
“What are you trying to do?!”
“Sica please… be careful with those…”
“These?! Please Yuri… I bet you have a hundred of them stack somewhere at home… a-are you trying to- Yuri… these things … I hate these things!”
Our relationship came flooding back, we had insecurities - we were unstable…
“Sica please calm down… I didn’t give it to anyone else… I.I have only you”
“You’re lying!”
You must be lying, why do you have to be so nice to me?! I wasn't nice, I wasn't anything, there's nothing here for us, not even a single chance. What is this.
“I’m not!”
“Screw this! Screw you!”
I shouted and threw everything aside; the box flew onto the road and landed somewhere else. I didn’t care to look-so much for mother nature-and stormed off, I pushed pass people, didn’t care if I was rude.
I didn’t hear your heels clashing against the metal flooring…
You weren’t following me…
NO, I shouldn’t care…
I shouldn’t… right?
Right…?
“Someone call an ambulance!”
…No
…
It was like a sad story in a novel I used to read, someone would get into a car accident and the actress/actor would cry for hell because the person who suffered was the person they loved so much - that they wanted to give their life away for that person.
Right now I am that character, I’m crying, cursing, blaming … however I’m not at the hospital… I’m at home…
… Not with you
It had been 3 days after the accident and for all I know… you were still in the ICU… and you’re not waking up just yet…
But you will…
The doctor said so…
…I believed him
Though I believe, I still feel like I’m losing you already, I didn’t know why I’m crying right now or why everything around me felt so cold. I lost your touch, the smell of you on my clothes… the silly grin on your face and those kiss you gave me everyday…
But still, I didn’t visit you...
My arms were weak, you weren’t here to caress them and tell me that I need to eat some more - I feel like a puppet with broken strings - fallen down to the ground - I was unanimated - my heart yearned for you… but my legs did not move…
All my crying and screaming out your name wouldn’t reach you… it was impossible… yet I’m still crying … I should move… I should go…
…I miss you so much
I stepped out of our bed, headed for the closet to get my bags… for the hospital…
I should be supporting you…
…I want to be the first person you see when you wake up
And when I opened the closet door, hundreds of roses and chocolate boxes fall down onto me. The whole thing smashed onto my face and I stumbled back. The chocolate spluttered onto the floor, some of them already melted, some were still in shape - all of them were a mess on the carpet…
Were you keeping all these in the store room?
I was shock… I couldn’t deny it…
Once I regained myself I stood up and look at what I needed to clean up. From left to right I saw chocolate, melted and rotten… and brownish… dead roses…
And…
What…
Notes?
Hundreds…
There were a hundred of them…
… Each with different colours and different dates on them
Were these what were you going to give me? I took them out one by one from the chocolate melts, some were stained and illegible… some are okay…
And starting from the oldest one…
… I
…I read the notes
…
14th February 2010
Hey Jessica, guess what day is it today?
I wonder … if you did remember… this is the way we first met…
Remember in the subway and you stumble on to me with the ice-cream when we were 16?
I do, I think you were wearing a cute pink dress and … with little hair bands…
And scary looking eyes…
You were the one who threw the ice-cream at me…
I still don’t understand why you were mad…
But if I knew… I would have the solution to cure it…
With the words…
I love you
…
15th February 2010
Boo, surprised? Another letter for you, haha I know what you’re thinking
But please read. I know I’m such a kkab but hey… what can I do but stare at your face?
Every morning I woke up, I see you and I smile
At an angel...
My angel…
I was unable to explain with words…
But I know three that could!
I love you
…
16th February 2010
Are you getting fat? I guess not, you’re never fat in my eyes…
Your shape is better than models… so right here…
I’m giving something for you to eat! Chocolate!
You love chocolates! I know you love them…
So eat okay?
Yum… Yum…
And don’t be a model…
I don’t want anyone to come to you and say those words to you…
I’m the only one who’s allowed to say…
I love you
…
21th February 2010
I’m determined Jessica, I’m going to say this word!
I think I could! And I’m writing this… waiting for you…
For you to come out of the bathroom…
And…
Read this when you’re clean…
When you’re my Sica…
I love you
…
25th March 2010
The weather is getting hotter…
Stop wearing those suits… you’ll get heat stroke…
I don’t want you to get hurt okay?
If you do…
How would I say
I love you…
…
29th March 2010
Sica-yah! What do you think of dinners under the candle light?
Romantic? Do you want to go on the cruise with me?
We’ll be surfing tides and riding the waves…
The boat will sway side to side… you’ll fall into my arms…
And there I’ll say
I love you
…
3rd May 2010
Don’t worry about your work too much Sica-yah!
You still have this seobang to take care of you until you grow old!
So hurry up and finish the papers so I can tell you…
I love you
…
15th May 2010
Let’s take a picture Sica-yah, of you eating chocolate…
And me watching you… I’m like your stalker! Hehe
Observing your every move… with cameras….
And these moments we have together will be in a freeze frame
That says a thousand words and…
… I love you
…
Hundreds…
A hundred of letters…
I read them one by one, and my tears started to fall… were all these notes for me? A hundred of them… I don’t know what I’m doing… why am I so stupid…
…
24th May 2010
Woo hoo! 99th day and I’m still writing notes… Sica isn’t it amazing?
I hope you’re going to read this… it’s nearly the 100th day!
Isn’t it exciting? God God God…
I love you!
…
99… wait there’s only 99 of them here. I gasped; the last one was at the hospital… Yuri… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…
…
I ran as fast as my feet could take me and I ended up stumbling over the stairs - finally I got into your room… and there you were sleeping on the bed. Just like an angel…
You’re going to wake up soon right?
I know you will…
And the chocolate box was on the desk, I walked over to it. This time it was in blue… a blue chocolate box… The note was stuck to the front…
…
25th of May 2010
I’m writing this everyday Jessica, I think I couldn’t write anymore now…
I hope you really, really read this one… if not I’m going to force those leftover chocolates
A hundred box of chocolates…
The whole lot of them… and I’m going to force you to smell the roses!
A hundred of flowers…
And I’m going to force you to read these little paper notes I have!
A hundred notes…
And… you know… I booked the restaurant for a whole year for this, only for two of us so we can go on a date… a special day…
A hundred days of valentine…
And you’ll say… if you read the first note… until the last…
A hundred I love you
I just wish I have the courage to say those words…
If I’d say it in the first place you’ll eat this right?
Still I don’t know how to say…
Just this word… 3 simple words
I love you
Why is it so hard Sica?
…
“Unni, why are you crying?”
I widened my eyes and turned to the side, you were staring at me curious eyes… liked an 8 year old.
You woke up…
You are awake…
“Yuri-ah…”
“Yes unni?”
…
“Jessica unni… why aren’t you saying anything?”
I shrugged and Yuri was staring at me, she looked at me the same way when she first woke up and saw me crying.
It had been a 263 days and the doctor said your memory would come back soon - it wasn’t soon. No it wasn’t… he explained that this was a rare case. Something that rewinds memory back to the childhood years…
And now you’re 9 years old…
I’m 23…
“Oh unni is just thinking”
I sulked; accepting the truth… because I know that lying won’t change anything… you weren’t coming back to me. I should be protesting… I should hold some hope… I should believe in miracles…
…But I didn’t
“Thinking about me when I was your age?”
I could only nod and stare at the little girl in an adult body…
“What was I like?”
I choked…
“Can you tell me unni?”
…I wanted to cry in your strong pairs of arms
But that is not a choice now…
“Please?”
My heart pummeled, it hurt some where it shouldn’t…
…My lips parched and dried
The words came out
“Yuri… it’s hard to understand”
“I’ll try”
“It’s complicated…”
“Then tell me about us in the future…”
“W-we…
…Tears fall uncontrollably
W-we use to sit together under a tree with clouds floating by… and we would drink lemonade and eat chocolate… you would be holding my hand and you would say the sweetest words I’d ever heard in my life. And you would smile at me… it’s the best smile ever… no one could smile like you. And when I cry, you’re the one there for me… you’re always there for me no matter how hard it was going to be… you didn’t care. You were always behind my back watching me fall and picking me up again. You’d kiss me… and I’d kiss you back… We… we… use to be so happy. And I was happy, but there was work… but you were still there for me. Can you believe that Yuri? Even though there were times we use to fight so hard that we end up hurting each other. I hurt you. But you’re still here…”
..By me, with me
The memories we used to share came back into words, it cut my heart, it ripped it, crush it - fold it - fixed it - loved it - and torn it apart, over and over again. Why was I so stupid, why did I even doubt you? You were just being who you are… the person who loved me…
“Unni you shouldn’t cry…”
Yuri said and looked at me, her eyes pleading … but she didn’t move to console me. Yuri didn’t come over and whispered the words it’s going to be okay… it’s like a void… I couldn’t fill it in... Without you… not here… not her… the memories were gone…
…I couldn’t make them again… alone without you
“I was so stupid I didn’t see it. The moments I have when I was with you. The smell you gave, the scent you have, and the heart you stole from me. The life I’d always wanted… I was blind… really blind….
…Too late…
I couldn’t see what you were saying, I shut my heart, I fooled myself, and I was selfish. I don’t deserve you, yet I’m looking at you right now. Yuri you wouldn’t remember me, would you? We’re so far apart now… in years in hours… in days… seconds and maybe the rest of our life
…can you hear me?
I want to turn back the memories. I want to forget this one… the bad ones… I want to hold onto the happy ones. But… there’s none anymore… all I can do now…”
Yuri stared at me, she blinked… her expression was blank. Yuri… you’re confused… right? I shouldn’t do this… I should forget…
…but why does it hurt so much?
“Unni, do you remember what happened yesterday?”
I choked, I spluttered tears along with my pain, it was like blood pouring slowly and painfully… the day… the day that… day we met…
“Valentine’s day…”
“No, it’s the day we first met unni”
It was Valentines…
…
It was crowded and everywhere was tightly packed with people locked into a tiny space, I tried to move. But it was like a forced act, I couldn’t counter the current… I’m going to be late for the train… I’m going to miss school…
The clocks kept ticking saying, you’re late…you’re late
I looked to my right, there’s an empty space! There, I’m going to go there… and the train was coming… I have no time left… there’s no time to even think!
Yuri you can do it run… run…!
“Ah!”
I bumped into someone, I should be more careful… oh no… my shirt… now what am I going to do? What am I going to wear...?
“I-I’m sorry…”
Wait why am I saying sorry? … I’m the one who got an ice-cream over the shirt… and and…
…and that moment I fell terribly in love
Time just stopped…
Just for me to fall for you…
…
“… Yuri... there’s no point of me telling you this… you’re still a kid… y-you don’t understand
…though I hope you did
…. And you need to grow… and unni is sorry… forgive unni…”
“It’s okay Jessica unni…”
Yuri smiled, and looked at me…
I love you”
“Yuri… you don’t understand… you’re still a kid…”
No no…please stop the pain…
“But that doesn’t mean I’m not Yuri”
Yuri took off her hair band and placed it gently on the coffee table. Her body stood elegantly before me, her hair swayed side to side innocently as she dropped to my face, her hands locked around mine - it was like we were melting into one.
..Like before
“No matter what time of the day it is, what season of the year it s, what century we’re in…”
Her eyes stared into mine, it was assuring - it told me that everything would be fine. I hope it is… I don’t want to be facing this alone again. The sad memories I have - it was so painful and unbearable.
My eyes started to fill up, Yuri caressed my face with her hands. Her touch was soft like before … why…
Shouldn’t I forget?
It hurts… it hurts so much…
Maybe she’s not Yuri…
“… I’ll still remember I love you”
We will fill our memories with sadness and tears
We forget the joy of it all…
We all cry… I know we all cry…
But…
The memories filled in my head
The recollections filled in my heart
The flowing tears…
All the painful memories become precious memories…
It becomes you…
“I love you too Yuri-ah…”
…And I would definitely love her all over again
…From the start
…Even if she is still younger
It’s a promise of forever
…I love you
“Happy belated Valentines Jessica”