A Freak Like Me: Chapter 4
SOS: Hello! Welcome to Chapter 4 of A Merkin Like Me! This is where the fic starts getting exponentially horrible. With me here is the always Awesome BB and Pyro! You guys ready?
BB: Let's do it.
Pyro: *Drinks another soda* Bring it.
Mike told me a story once about a wooden puppet who wanted to be a real boy.
SOS: Again, reminding us of far better stories we could be reading instead.
BB: Or watching. Hell, even Disney would be good here.
He called it the story of Pinocchio. Sometimes we would make believe and pretend that we were in that story.
SOS: The Stu played, surprise surprise, a Stu and went around raping everyone's characterisation.
Pyro: You sure he isn't one of the asses?
BB: ....cold, man.
Pyro: You said snark. And it makes sense.
That I was Pinocchio and Mike was one of the lost boys. We would make up adventures and scenarios where we escaped.
SOS: Wish fulfilment--it's the only thing this Stu can write.
BB: Now I'm getting Peter Pan flashbacks.
I always like that story. I always identified with the boy who wanted to be just like everyone else, wanted to be normal.
SOS: Um, you grew up in a facility filled with mutants. You grew up SURROUNDED by mutants. You didn't want to be normal in order to fit in. You wanted to be normal so you'd be in POWER. Instead of being a prisoner, like the other mutant. Meaning? YOU SELFISH PRICK.
Pyro: You wanted to be top-dog while making everyone else your bitch. That doesn't work here. I'M top dog right now.
BB: ....what about Logan?
Pyro: He's asleep. He doesn't count.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 2
YOU WHORE: 1
SOCIOPATHY: 1
But normalcy is impossible for me.
SOS: Because that'd mean you weren't a SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE anymore!
BB: Hold on a moment. ....Pyro, you see what I see?
Pyro: *Looks* The Stu saying he'll forever be a freak, even in this canon?
BB: Right on the nose.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 3
I knew it then and when I looked up into the faces of the mutants around me, I wondered if I could be normal here; as normal as a merkin can be surrounded by mutants.
SOS: No, you can't. Because, again, that'd mean you weren't a SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE anymore. And to Stus, that's worse than death.
Pyro: So really normal, since we're all freakish in one way or another, according to you?
WANGSTMUFFIN: 5
“Geppetto? Isn’t he Pinocchio’s dad?” Jubilation Lee asked me. I shook my head. Geppetto was Pinocchio’s maker.
SOS: And thus his DAD.
BB: Stop calling her Jubilation Lee. She's Jubilee. That's ALL. It's her nickname as well as her codename.
Jean looked at me funny and I wondered what I’d done and whether or not I’d be punished for it.
SOS: You were a Stu, and you WILL be punished for that with extreme prejudice. But really, Jean, I expected you to do a little more than look at him funny.
BB: Jean, why you fail me? Y?
CHARACTER BASHING: 1
TRAUMA LLAMA: 2
“Those are both puppet masters. Why those names in particular?”
I wasn’t sure what to do. Would they make me leave if they knew I could take over their body?
SOS: No, they wouldn't. They'd help you learn how to control your ability, so you wouldn't be a danger to others, as you are now. Hiding things from them will only make them distrust you more when they find out! And they WILL find out, given how much you flaunt your little abilities.
YOU WHORE: 2
WANGSTMUFFIN: 4
CONSISTEWHAT?: 1 (I thought you believed Wolverine when he said he's going to take care of you?)
I looked at The Professor. He’d already ordered me not to use my powers on others.
“Try and explain it with words Angelous.”
SOS: Well, gee, that was helpful of you.
BB: Professor, your Awesome goes down.
I smiled softly when he used my name. He was the first to do so
“I can make the body do what I want. I can make someone’s muscles move and make them walk, talk, do what I want.”
SOS: And ressurect dead tissue, and do god knows what with the mind, and create energy out of nowhere...
BB: ....this sounds.....very familiar.
.........oh, FUCK. That's who it is! HE'S TRYING TO BE PUPPET MASTER. From the Fantastic Four comics. (Another beautiful Marvel invention.)
SOS: Plagiarism, yay!
YOU WHORE: 9
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 3
No one spoke and the guards looked fearful.
BB: FINALLY! REALISM!
SOS: And yet they get angry when Jean gets worried later...
I shivered and a whimper escaped from my mouth.
SOS: (Stu) Oh no! I must play up the pitiful! I can't blow my cover! I WILL DIE WITHOUT SYMPATHY!
Pyro: What a wimp. One-Eye, blast him already.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 6
I looked at Remy but even he looked slightly fearful.
SOS: Can it be ANY more obvious that you don't care about ANYONE except the two people you want to bone?
BB: Well......he could be fawning over them and begging "DON'T HATE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE."
YOU WHORE: 10
“I’m sorry.” I whispered. I would do anything to stay here.
SOS: Except not randomly using your powers on people. Because he never stops that. Ever.
YOU WHORE: 11
Wolverine slowly took his arms off my waist and I turned to look at him in horror. No. I couldn’t leave.
SOS: THANK YOU, Wolverine. Now, claw that little shit's face off, and we can declare you in-character again.
BB: Or tell him to at LEAST get the fuck out! That'd be like you, too. PLEASE. Throw us a BONE!
Pyro: He won't. Logan's a selfish prick. *Gets hit in the head with a boot* OW!
Logan: *Laughing from next room*
YOU WHORE: 13
They had been nice to me. Let me eat at the table and I didn’t have to please anyone to get food.
SOS: You didn't seem to notice that when you were cowering and playing up the traumatised victim act!
Pyro: Yeah, you little fucker. What the hell?
WANGSTMUFFIN: 9
CONSISTEWHAT?: 4
I slipped off Wolverine’s lap and tried to walk towards the Professor.
SOS: Oh, that's a good idea.
BB: Walk toward the leader after such a big revelation. They'll kill you for sure.
Storm, Scott, and Jean stood up like they were going to come after me, or protect the Professor. I wasn’t sure which
SOS: I don't care. *Chants* KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!
BB: I agree with it. This Stu has pushed a button.
I fell on my knees and tried to crawl towards the Professor whimpering, “Please, I can be a good merkin.
SOS: LIES. Just try and prove it, I dare you.
BB: ....one second. -Covers Pyro's eyes and plugs his ears- We don't need his brain scarred.
YOU WHORE: 17
Let me show you. I’ll be good I promise. Please don’t make me leave. Let me please you. I can make you feel so good.”
SOS: No, you can't. Because you can't even stop referring to mutants as freaks.
BB: This is a good time to tell everyone something very important about Professor X.
Everyone, remember when, earlier, the Stu said Professor Xavier was in some kind of "mobile chair?" There's a reason for that. Professor Xavier is paralyzed from the waist down. He can't stand up or move his legs at all. He can't feel anything below his waist, and this is all due to a bullet he got in the back when he was twenty or so.
SOS, you want to point out the glaringly obvious?
SOS: That the Stu is basically offering him a blowjob, and it would not fucking work, because the penis is BELOW HIS FUCKING WAIST.
And don't you DARE tell me the Stu simply hadn't seen someone paralysed before. He came from a gruesome lab, and he SURELY must have seen at least one mutant paralysed by an experiment!
BB: -Nods- Soooo......this tells us that the Stu is even more of an idiot than we were first lead to believe!
YOU WHORE: 21
Finally I reached the Professors wheel and I put my hands on his legs.
SOS: STOP MOLESTING PEOPLE! HANDS OFF!
BB: ...Don't you fucking dare.
YOU WHORE: 22
He stopped me by putting his hands on mine. I looked up into his deep blue eyes, and tears feel down my face.
SOS: ...Are you sure this isn't a Stu/Xavier fic?
BB: CHERIK. CHERIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK.
.......uh. ....sorry. Wrong button. -Pushes the other one-
YOU WHORE: 24
WANGSTMUFFIN: 10
I ran out of words.
SOS: The End. This fic wasn't as long as I thought.
BB: If only.
“Please” I whispered over and over. “Please.”
SOS: Apparently, 'please' isn't a word.
BB: Here, it's just letters written in the same sequence over and over again. There's no meaning.
YOU WHORE: 26
I felt a hand on my shoulder pulling me away, and I fought it a little before giving in. I’d failed. They were going to either throw me out, put me in a cage somewhere, or kill me.
SOS: YEEEEEEEEEEEES! *Gets popcorn*
BB: Make it the last one. Please? Pleaseeeeeeee?
WANGSTMUFFIN: 15
I closed my eyes, unwilling to watch the faces of Remy or Logan contorted in rage or disgust. A wet sob escaped my throat before I could stop it.
SOS: YESYESYESYESYES!!! *Passes popcorn around*
BB: Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill him. C'mooooooooooooooooooooooooon! And let Pyro do it. The Suethor ragged on him too much.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 18
X-men POV
They watched in a mixture of horror and repulsion as the boy, Angelous, begged to ‘please’ the Professor.
SOS: YES. SENSE!!!!
BB: IT'S REALISTIC! -Hugs the X-Men and cries- I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH.
CONSISTEWHAT?: 5 (Why doesn't this POV switch have a section break?)
Logan stopped him with hand on his shoulder. How could anyone be this broken?
SOS: Through horrible writing and mind-numbing idiocy.
BB: ....and the love fades. Dammit, Suethor. Just when they act in character, you piss it down your leg.
YOU WHORE: 17
WANGSTMUFFIN: 19
Rouge turned into Bobby’s shoulder and choked back a sob.
SOS: The fact that ONLY women cry and sob and act like airheads in this fic bothers me.
BB: .....really? Rogue? ROGUE? The girl who kicks buck and takes names like it's no-one's business?
YOU WHORE: 19
Logan sat down on the floor and pulled Angelous into his lap. Remy settled next to them and the boy’s eyes snapped open.
SOS: (Stu) Mission successful! Wolverine and Gambit are voluntarily hugging me! Just a few more days, and they'll be MIIIIINE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
YOU WHORE: 21
BB: .....it's scary how you do that.
Pyro: Do what?
BB: Write the Stu's plots so well. It's like she reads their minds.
Pyro: ...is she a mutant?
SOS: No, I've just read far too many badfics than is probably healthy, like BB.
Pyro: You two are nuts.
BB: Thank you.
He wiggled in Logan’s lap and turned to try and undo his pants.
SOS: GAH. LITTLE MISS MARY FLASHBACKS.
Logan: *Storms in and stabs him through the stomach*
BB: .....HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW? You were asleep!
Logan: I have sixth sense for this shit.
YOU WHORE: 23
“Non ange” Remy whispered. “no’ like that ‘ere. We’re no’ gonna make you leave.
Angelous buried his face in Wolverine’s lap
SOS: OH GOD, POOR WOLVERINE!
BB: NOW! And STOP WITH THAT ACCENT.
YOU WHORE: 24
and sobbed. His audible cries shaking his whole body, and the force of them even made Logan rock.
SOS: OH. BULL. SHIT. He's been starved for all his life and probably weighs 50 kilos soaking wet, and he can make Logan rock just by shaking himself? BULLSHIT.
BB: Don't forget the fact that Logan has a skeleton of adamantium. It takes a lot to make him shake at all.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 23
Hank settled on the other side and blocked the boy from the others’ view.
SOS: So that Wolverine can quickly kill him without giving this fic a PG rating.
“Logan and I both promised we wouldn’t let anyone hurt you.”
SOS: (Stu) Well, fuck you! I only want to listen to Logan and Remy, because they're hawt!!!
Pyro: I'm hotter than both of them combined.
BB: ....*Rimshot*
Pyro: *Glares*
BB: ....-Hides the drumsticks- ....
“Yea kid, how are we gunna do that if you’re not here.” Logan added. Somehow that seemed to console the boy,
SOS: What did I say? He only listens to the HAWT MENZ.
BB: KILL.
CHARACTER BASHING: 1
YOU WHORE: 25 (Yeah, you threw that fit JUST so Wolverine will fawn over you.)
and he looked up at Logan
His face was wet with tears, his eyes swollen and read, but still he was beautiful.
SOS: Someone maul his fucking face off. I can't stand this smug bitch.
BB: I've read this before.
SOS: Yeah, in every single Suefic EVER.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 26
YOU WHORE: 27
Logan nodded and him and winked. The boy turned to get affirmation from both Hand and Remy before smiling softly at Logan.
BB: ...Niiiiiiiice typo.
SOS: Insecure whore...Logan isn't enough, huh? You won't stop until EVERYONE is fawning over you and bending backwards to accommodate you.
YOU WHORE: 31
“But, you’re afraid of me.”
SOS: Because you are a creepy, murdering BASTARD. And you keep fingering everyone's groin.
BB: Logan fears no one.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 1
Remy sighed and glared at those around them, as though he hadn’t been afraid and blamed them.
SOS: Hypocrisy! A true sign of a hero!
BB: Gambit, why? Why you?
CHARACTER BASHING: 2
He put a gloved hand on the boys face and whipped his tears with a thumb. “Are ye gonna control us ange?” The boy shook his head frantically, eyes wide.
SOS: LIES. He's already used his powers on you without permission.
BB: Gambit, just make him explode already. Or, better yet, pull a Lucifer and make him explode like a water balloon full of chunky red soup! DO IT! DO IT NOW OR I'LL SUMMON SOMEONE I SHOULDN'T!
YOU WHORE: 33
SOCIOPATHY: 1
“Then we’ve got no reason to no’ trust ye, do we?”
SOS: HE COULD BE MOTHERFUCKING LYING. ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO TEST HIM? CHECK HIS BACKGROUND? DOUBLE CHECK HIS HISTORY? AT ALL?
BB: If they did, that would bring in Logic. Can't have that.
Angelous turned his sparkling emerald eyes on Xavier.
SOS: No, seriously. Every time the Stu gets together with Xavier, the UST gets thick enough to choke people.
YOU WHORE: 36
BB: -Sigh- I have nothing but images.
SOS: Bring them on?
BB: You asked for it.
....I'm better.
“You said not to. I wouldn’t ever disobey.”
BB: LIES.
SOS: MOTHERFUCKING LIES! IT'S ALL LIES! YOU ARE A LYING LIAR WHO LIIIIIIIIIIES!!!!!
CONSISTEWHAT?: 6
Xavier nodded, a small sad smile pulling at his lips. “I know dear boy. I will help you learn control.”
SOS: (Xavier) You will, of course, be in the gimp suit.
YOU WHORE: 38
The boy tilted his head in confusion but must have assumed he’d caused enough trouble, and let it go.
SOS: And because the Suethor wants to move on to the next disgusting scene!
BB: And, oh boy, is it disgusting.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 3 (Apparently, he KNEW he was causing trouble, and yet still didn't stop immediately despite supposedly years of conditioning.)
Xavier told Logan and Remy to take Angelous with them. “Perhaps he could stay with one of you tonight, until we find a permanent place for him.”
SOS: Do you not have a SINGLE spare room in the whole Academy???
BB: ....THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF ROOMS! THOUSANDS! THOUSANDS!
SOS: Y U SUBJECT WOLVERINE AND GAMBIT TO THIS BULLSHIT??? WHY?????? WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO DESERVE BEING STUCK IN THE SAME ROOM AS THE STU?
BB: Be too sexy for their own good.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 2
YOU WHORE: 39
They nodded and each took a hold of one of the boy’s hands.
SOS: And PULLED, ripping him in half.
BB: YAY!
YOU WHORE: 41
He walked with them, only pulling once or twice. His eyes took in everyone’s smiles of reassurance, and he seemed to deflate a little.
SOS: (Stu) Oh no! People aren't crying over my horrible life! Noooooo, I can't live without someone cooing and crying over me!
BB: And the the Stu died a horrible death and all of canon was restored.
YOU WHORE: 42
TRAUMA LLAMA: 4 (God, it's that “ooh, he doesn't know what smiles mean, WEEP DAMMIT, WEEP” thing again.)
As soon as the boy left the room, both Jean and Kitty broke down in tears.
SOS: Oh, never mind.
BB: Nooooo! Not my girls! Those two are part of a dream Lesbian RP I have.
YOU WHORE: 44
SOS: And what the hell is Jean doing, crying? Weren't you hammering into our heads how she thinks the Stu is weird just a second ago? ROGUE was the one crying, not Jean!
CONSISTEWHAT?: 7
Scott and Kurt took care of them.
SOS: Oh, how nicely sexist of you. It's only the weak little wimmins who are crying, because we're all emotional like that, huh? The Big Strong Menz are all okay?
BB: -Grits teeth- I'm a guy and even I find that insulting.
CHARACTER BASHING: 4 (I wish I had a You Sexist Bastard count.)
Xavier took a long breath and assembled his thoughts.
“That is a strong mutant.
SOS: Yeah, look how strong he was, the way he clings to everyone who has the misfortune to stand next to him.
BB: Professor, I love you, but......he isn't strong. Based on a mutant level system? He BARELY rates a four. BARELY.
YOU WHORE: 45
I would say level four or perhaps even five with enough training.”
SOS: The Suethor read your mind.
BB: .....Everyone? I swear, I did not read ahead. I have Future Sight.
Pyro: *Finishes off another soda* Get rid of the sugar in your system and it should go away.
BB: You kill my joy.
Pyro: It's what I live for, according to this fic.
They all paused to different thoughts as to the consequences of that much power in such a broken boy.
SOS: I think they're seem a lot more powerful things than a level four mutant. They can handle this fine. What's the drama?
BB: Oh, the Suethor wants it. They must think level four is impressive. It's not. Level five and above is impressive. Level four is....eh. Useful......but not USEFUL.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 5
YOU WHORE: 46
“It would be a disaster for Magneto to get his hands on him.
SOS: It would? Because there are a hell of a lot more powerful mutants than him in the Academy!
BB: Not really. It was a disaster when Magneto got his hands on JEAN! And on PYRO. HIS INFLUENCE TOUCHED BOTH OF THEM! Pyro became more powerful for it and actually gained more control over his powers. He was given more rigorous training and, as I've said, would give his LIFE and MUTATION for MAGNETO!
Jean, at the time, was an alternate personality. She was THE Omega mutant. She could defeat ANYONE. And guess what? Her, being on Magneto's side? ALMOST CAUSED THE DESTRUCTION OF THE HUMAN RACE!
SOS: And that was the least subtle foreshadowing I've ever had the misfortune to read. Where the hell did that bit about Magneto even come from? There was ZERO reason to mention him! What everyone was worried about was him controlling his own power, due to all the mental issues he obviously has! It was never about Magneto getting his hands on him!
YOU WHORE: 47
Storm, I’d like you to gather together the test so we can see where his education is. Jean and Hank, I want a full work up on his health tomorrow. Scott, I want you and Logan to help me test out his abilities.”
SOS: (Xavier) EVERYTHING must grind to a halt! I can't use people who are free and have less important things to do! No! All the recognisable characters must bend over backwards to accomodate the Stu! Doesn't matter what their duties are!
BB: This would never, EVER happen in canon unless someone who was a LEGITIMATE DANGER was let in.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 3
YOU WHORE: 48
They all nodded and Xavier took another deep breath.
“Children,” They all turned to focus directly at him. “He is very afraid and broken,
SOS: (Xavier) Despite only showing fear on and off, when it's convenient.
BB: No, he's acting and a bastard.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 7
I am going to ask Remy to stay with him most of the time
SOS: What did Remy do to deserve this punishment?
BB: Gambit. GAMBIT. Professor X calls him GAMBIT because he knows it's a preferred name.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 4
SOS: Also, what a fantastic plan, Xavier. Just have Gambit mind-rape him into complacency whenever he gets distressed, because supernaturally-drugging people is the perfect answer in this situation. God forbid you slowly integrate him into the X-Men community so that he learns how to manage his issues and begin the healing process. Nope, it's much better to teach him to be dependent on a supernatural drug dispenser.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 8
but when both he and Logan are unavailable, as is likely to happen, I need you to make sure he and the other children behave appropriately.
SOS: (Xavier) As you do anyways. Why am I telling this to you?
BB: (Xavier) I believe the Stu has already started addling my mind. Soon, I will be no better than a fanon Dumbledore. Please destroy him before I waste away.
He doesn’t seem to understand social situations. It will be on you and on us all to help him learn.
SOS: (Xavier) --how he must keep his hands away from people's crotches. I will not have the students at the Academy molested.
BB: Much love.
You will need to have patience.”
BB: Yoda? Is that you?
SOS: (Xavier) Children, we have entered a war of attrition. The only thing we can do now is hold onto our characterisations as best as we can and stay away from the Stu, in the hopes that the Suethor will ignore us. If we can hold out until the end of this fic, that is when we may strike against the Stu and end him once and for all.
BB: DO IT! DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pyro: I think he's lost this mind.
SOS: Nah. That's just how he is.
Pyro: If you're sure.
He paused, and the youths shivered at the intensity of his expression, “If I find out that anyone has been mistreating him…”
SOS: (Xavier) He will be highly rewarded and given the highest honour at the Academy.
BB: (Xavier) I'll be extremely proud of them and ask them to attend the next meeting at the senate with me.
The threat was both unnecessary and terrifying.
SOS: That describes Stus very well in general, huh?
BB: From Xavier? Yes, threats can be unnecessary and terrifying. That guy can be friggin' scary when he wants to be. But this just seems.....watered down.
SOCIOPATHY: 2 (Honestly, this brings to mind favouritism and torture more than him just being protective of his students.)
Even Pyro promised himself that he would protect the beautiful, broken boy with everything he was.
SOS: D: NO, Pyro! Not you too!
Pyro: I had my fingers crossed, bitches.
BB: Childish, but so wonderful.
YOU WHORE: 52
Unfortunately, to Pyro, protecting the boy meant something different then it did to the others.
SOS: It meant murder with EXTREME PREJUDICE.
BB: The Awesome is back!
Pyro: Told you.
BB: We're sorry to have doubted you, great Pyro.
CHARACTER BASHING:5
Angelous POV
While Wolverine and Remy led me to their cages, I tried to get a hold of myself. I tried to figure out what all this meant.
SOS: ....Excuse me. I have to go demolish a wall with my head.
BB: I.....CAGES?! It's OBVIOUS by now THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THAT LAB HERE. It.....I........DO YOU HONESTLY THIK LOGAN WOULD LET HIMSELF BE PUT IN A CAGE AFTER ALL HE'S GONE THROUGH!?
SOS: Then again, he IS kind of fucking stupid.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 10
They were going to let me stay.
SOS: The worst decision they have ever made.
BB: Yes.
Remy and Wolverine and Blue had touched me, but they hadn’t hurt me
SOS: Well, fair enough, second worst. The worst is not killing him as soon as they laid eyes on him.
BB: Eh. True. -Clings to the boys- I still love you. So does Rogue.
and they’d all promised that I could stay. Remy kept saying ‘it wasn’t like that here’. What did he mean? It wasn’t like what?
SOS: Um...the LABS, maybe? HELLO?
BB: .....-Facepalm- Stu obviously has no brains.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 14 (For god's sake, he just recapped all the evidence that they're not out to get him, and he STILL doesn't get it!)
They didn’t let me show the Professor how good I was.
SOS: You know, it's kind of hard to take you seriously as a traumatised victim when you do nothing but boast about how awesome your blowjobs are.
BB: In fact, it makes you seem like what you are. A disgusting whore who wants to prove he can be good enough when it's obvious he has nothing else for him.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 15
Why was that? The only thing I could figure out was that he was like the first Doctor.
SOS: Or because he's not interested in you. Because you're not interesting. Is the truth too painful to accept, you little shit?
YOU WHORE: 53
The Doctor didn’t like using freaks, said 'it' would get on him, whatever 'it' was.
SOS: ...You know, it did just occur to me. The guards likely wouldn't have used condoms when they were raping the mutants. So...this Stu probably has seven different types of STDs, and he wouldn't have fixed it, because he clearly doesn't know about them, and his power is activated when he consciously wants his body to heal something.
That throws all the sex scenes later into an interesting light.
Maybe the Professor was like that. Or maybe Wolverine didn’t want me to show them how good I was. Why would he do that?
SOS: Because you do not go around and fucking molest people. Why can't you get this into your head? They. Do. Not. Want. Your. Blowjobs. Because not everyone is aroused by you!
BB: Hell, some people aren't even aroused by ANYTHING.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 16
My eyes widened and I gasped. Logan wanted me to show him first.
BB: NO.
SOS: I...what...I don't even...How the HELL did you come to that conclusion? This is nothing but wishful thinking!
BB: EXPLAIN THIS BULLSHIT.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 17
So that if I got ‘it’ on him, then they would know not to let the Professor use me.
SOS: ...Yes. One of the X-Men's key duties is testing for STDs in the Professor's bed partners.
BB: It's right up there with making sure Wolverine has his blanky.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 18
I could understand that.
SOS: I CAN'T!
BB: Me, either. Pyro?
Pyro: I have no words.
BB: Damn.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 19
That was probably why they were letting me stay in Remy or Wolverine’s cage, so I could show them then.
SOS: You know, you JUST came from a medical bay. Don't you think they would have checked you with the equipment there if they're worried about "it"? Risking themselves to find out seems a TAD stupid to me
BB: Again, that would be logical. But Logic has passed away in this fic, poor dear.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 20
We stopped at a wooden door and I took a look around. I hadn’t been paying attention to where we were going because I was lost in my thoughts.
SOS: Next thing you know, he won't be able to find his lips.
BB: Hi thar Bella.
The lighting was soft and shadows played around the wooden décor. I’d never seen anything as ornate as this hall. There were shapes and colors on the wall and the floor was soft and squishy under my bare feet. There were tables with plants along the wall and a red chair, like the chair the Doctor used to read in, rested at the end. There was a lamp lighting up the chair.
SOS: And after seeing this? He's STILL convinced they're leading him to a cage!
BB: .....It's obviously not a cage. And, no offense? But the X-Manor is actually rather plain in decoration. There are plants.....some paintings......but the rest is all either beige paint or stainless steel.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 21
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 5
“Who should he stay with?” Wolverine asked.
SOS: No one should be subjected to cruelty like that! It has to be a violation of human rights, somehow!
BB: Logan, please. If you love me and your canon self, THROW THIS BITCH OUT THE WINDOW!!!!!!!!!!!
I understood from his sentence structure that he wasn’t talking to me. I was used to my betters talking about me like I wasn’t there, but it still kind of hurt when my idol did it.
SOS: Entitlement whore. Wolverine can't talk to you all the fucking time! He can talk to whoever he wants, and you better back off, you passive-aggressive bitch.
BB: That's how Logan is. He never talks to anyone straight on.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 27
TRAUMA LLAMA: 22
Especially since they were talking about who I was going with, and therefore who would use me first.
SOS: Dude. You've TRIED to get close to Wolverine's crotch using whatever excuse you can. And what's happened every time? He or Gambit STOPPED YOU. It should be MORE THAN OBVIOUS at this point that they. Are. Not. Interested!
BB: My dear SOS, you should know Stus never do as they're told. It's against their nature.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 23
YOU WHORE: 54 (And he STILL doesn't grasp the concept that some people are just immune to his ~*~charms~*~)
I was used to it, but that didn’t mean I liked it. I let my emotions fade and adopted the body language I used when the guards came to get me.
SOS: See what I mean? Passive-aggressive whore...Just because the X-Men are nice to you, doesn't mean they have to cater to your every whim. Things you don't like will happen, because that is how life fucking works, you SPOILED BRAT!
WANGSTMUFFIN: 28
TRAUMA LLAMA: 24
YOU WHORE: 55
Eventually they decided I would stay with Remy because he could calm me down. I sighed a little, happy that my fantasies about my idol wouldn’t be ruined just yet.
SOS: ...Did...did he just imply Wolverine might not be as big in real life as he imagined? *Blink*
BB: I think so.
SOS: I...pfffffffffthahahahahaha...oh my GOD, I must send this passage to Logan some time.
BB: Do it. Though he'll probably ignore it.
SOS: Aaaaaand...now, we head into such a concentrated heap of almost-rape and whorishness that I fear we'll have to bring in some reinforcement. And thus, ladies and gentlemen, I give you...*drumroll* DRUNK KET!!!
Wolverine told me goodnight, and pulled me into a hug. It took a moment for me to get over my shock and elation that Wolverine was hugging me!
Ket: Yes, that's so in character for him, too.
SOS: Yeah, it's shock and elation when Wolverine is hugging you, but as soon as Hank looks at you, you're running for the hills.
Ket: Because it's all about looks, of course. Never mind that Beast is one of the most gentle and intelligent X-Men.
BB: To the Stu, if he doesn't look good, he doesn't matter. Or if he doesn't look HUMAN.
Ket: Fuck that.
SOS: And just why would he interpret a hug as a good thing? AGAIN, wasn't he supposed to fear physical contact because in his mind, all it meant was pain? How would he even know about hugs? Did the guards cuddle him often?
BB: I'm guessing from Mike. Though that makes no sense, since he said thhat Mike was as bad as the guards and all...
YOU WHORE: 57
CHARACTER BASHING: 6
But I hugged him back. I wrapped my arms around him and fisted my hands in his shirt, sniffing him.
SOS: O.O *Squeak* Oh my god, that's creepy.
BB: ....Bella? .......is..........is that YOU?
Ket: Shallow enough to be her.
YOU WHORE: 61
I wanted to remember his smell so I could add it to my imaginings.
BB: ....TMI.
SOS: He is SO going to sneak into Wolverine's room and steal a shirt so he can masturbate with it at one point.
Ket: I'm guessing he smells like man musk and ciagrettes.
BB: That, I wouldn't mind. ....forgive my mental musings. But, as said, TMI - we don't need to know your wet dreams, kid.
Ket: But we're gonna hear 'em anyway, B.
BB: I know. -Shakes head- I'll mourn our braincells.
YOU WHORE: 62
He pulled back, so I let him go and followed Remy down the hall to his cage.
Ket: What? Wait. What?
SOS: No, really. Why do you think they'd keep cages in lush hallways?
BB: Oh, yes. Ket? This Stu is determined that the X-Men live in cages. I...have no idea why
Ket: Why are they keeping Gambit in a cage? Is he dancing in his manties?
SOS: Sadly no. This Stu is just delusional
Ket: Well, there goes all my potential enjoyment. *Takes a shot of vodka*
BB: If he was, though, I'm sure Rogue would have front row seats.
He held the door open so I could go in first. The size of the cage was the first thing I noticed and it froze me in my tracks. The cage was huge!
SOS: That MIGHT be because it's not a fucking cage! It's a BEDROOM!
Ket: I'm...I'm sorry. If you didn't read the comic books, did you at least watch the 90's cartoon? It's a school, essentially. They have dorms.
BB: Oh, she supposedly owns the comics. But this is a mix of comicverse, movieverse, and cartoonverse. All rolled into one huge ball of suck.
Ket: My ass she does.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 25
Remy chuckled at me and I gaped at him. “This is your cage?” He laughed again and shook his head, “Non, this be Remy’s room.”
SOS: If only he added, '--you fucking idiot' to the end of that...
BB: It'd be perfect. A bit OOC, because Gambit's a gentleman, but perfect.
And, if I may say something, people from New Orleans DO have a grasp on grammar. "Non, this is my room," would be what Gambit
actually WOULD say. He doesn't talk in third person like L.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 6
“Room” I whispered. "A particular portion of space appropriated for occupancy, unobstructed space, space which may be occupied by or devoted to any object."
SOS: YES. How hard is this to understand?
BB: SOS, I think I found something good about this fic. I've found I'd rather read the dictionary than another line of this shit.
Ket: ...why is he talking like a computer?
BB: I propose that he's a cyborg determined to brainwash everyone.
SOS: And I propose we kill it with fire
Ket: I'm all for that *flicks lighter*
BB: -Gets a flamethrower- My pleasure!
TRAUMA LLAMA: 26
"Non, Its where Remy sleeps, a place just for Gambit." Remy corrected me.
I shook my head. My definitions were off, perhaps I needed a new dictionary.
SOS: No! Your definition ISN'T off! That is a space appropriate for occupancy--and Gambit occupies it! For someone who has memorised the dictionary, you sure can't interpret it.
Ket: Okay. Yes, Gambit does speak in third person sometimes, but not always!
SOS: Oh, just you wait. The accent gets SO much worse. So, SO much worse.
Ket: *attempts to slit wrist with spatula*
CONSISTEWHAT?: 8
TRAUMA LLAMA: 27
"So, its like a cage, but bigger and is called a room?"
"Somethin' li'e tha' ange"
SOS: NO. IT'S A FUCKING ROOM. READ THAT FUCKING DICTIONARY AGAIN, YOU IDIOT!
Ket: What? Babe, was that even words?!
BB: Yep. "Something like that, Angel." I'm apparently this fic's translator.
Ket: I'm guessing it's supposed to be 'ange', which is French for 'angel', but what the fuck? Why would he be calling some dude he barely knows 'angel'?!
BB: He's been doing that the whole time. And it's supposedly because of "Heavenly looks."
Ket: I'd say I should have read the first chapter, but I don't care that much.
Remy smiled and started undressing.
SOS: Gambit? SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON. OR THAT STU WILL STEAL YOUR PENIS!
BB: Gambit. KEEP. THEM. ON. DO IT! Please don't get naked.
I held in a whimper and with shaking hands I pulled off the shirt that Blue must have put on me in his lab.
SOS: This Stu seems determined to make EVERY X-Men fondle him, huh? He doesn't even like Hank!
BB: Well, he's a Whore Stu. I expect this, actually.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 30
Remy wasn’t facing me, he was fumbling through a cabinet.
SOS: (Gambit) Dammit, where did I put my spork?
BB: (Gambit) It's gotta happen. *Gets on his gloves and readies himself to explode the damn Stu* But it's going to be a mess to clean up.
ketmakura: (Gambit) Gambit is gonna need a lot more booze to get through this, mon ame.
I pushed the pants down and tossed the clothes to the wall by the door, so I could know exactly where they were when Remy was done.
Ket: Or you could put the pants in a hamper, you slob.
SOS: Don't worry. You won't need clothes when he's done. There'll be barely enough of you left to fill a perfume bottle.
BB: Forget perfume bottles, try a contact.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 31
I genuflected on the floor, sat on my heels, and waited.
SOS: PUT. THAT. THESAURUS. DOWN.
BB: It was raped enough by Meyer. Leave the poor book alone.
Ket: Author, are you not aware of the implications that go with "genuflect"? Unless Gambit is a diety or a king, that just looks wrong.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 33
I knew when Remy was done fumbling because he gasped. I heard him stride towards me quickly and braced myself.
SOS: (Harry) And then I exploded.
BB: That'd be a much more satisfying ending.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 34
“Non” he whispered and kneeled down beside me.
“Non ange, Remy doesn’t want this.” I didn’t understand this game.
Ket: *Pulls hair* Neither do I! Why is this happening and why do I care?!
SOS: It's not a GAME! HE'S TELLING YOU NO! SO BACK OFF!
BB: Here, let me say it in Stu. -Clears throat- He does not want your supposed ASTONISHING brand of blow-job sex. He wants ROGUE'S astonishing brand of sex. I'm not sorry.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 35
I’d never played it before. Was I supposed to convince him?
SOS: NO. YOU ARE NOT. When someone says no to sex, YOU BACK THE FUCK OFF.
BB: Otherwise, it is rape. But you don't care about that, do you? Especially not with what you do LATER. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.
Ket: Is this dude supposed to sound like he's not human? Or rather, not from this planet?
BB: He's supposedly a Mutant. With multiple powers.
Ket: Yeah, but most mutants don't act like this!
BB: Well, he's also Harry Potter, supposedly.
Ket: Harry Potter didn't act like this, either!
SOS: He's a Stu. Of course he's not human.
YOU WHORE: 63
He still didn’t have his shirt on so I reached my hand out to rest it on his stomach.
SOS: For a second, I thought he'd go straight for the dick.
BB: DO NOT WANT.
Ket: "I can feel it kicking. How far along are you?"
He grasped my hand in his and
SOS: --snapped it off.
BB: --yanked me forward, forcing me to stare up at his eyes. "You disgust me," he said, his voice cold. "I hate scum like you." His beautiful gaze became cold and destructive, and I felt something press against my stomach, something warm, but not hard, like I had come to expect. "Time to get rid of you, once and for all!"
Ket: Remy, my love, please. Charge a card and shove it down his throat.
YOU WHORE: 64
pulled it up to cup his face. Ok. That was where my hand went.
SOS: NO. IT IS NOT. KEEP YOUR HAND TO YOURSELF, THANK YOU.
Ket: This is the most annoying protagonist I've ever read about. There is no reason for his non-realistic reactions.
BB: Gambit. Please. Please just....just get RID of it already. That thing is screwing with you - both literrally and physically right now and it needs to stop. So make it stop.
YOU WHORE: 65
TRAUMA LLAMA: 36
I was glad he’d showed me instead of beating me for guessing wrong.
SOS: Because the person who's done nothing by use his powers to calm you down and reassure you from the beginning will surely beat you, yes.
Ket: My heart bleeds for you. *Takes another shot*
BB: .......re-reading that line....I..... I have found there is something I wish to do. -Grabs a bat with nails sticking out of it- . . . -BASHES THE STU IN THE FACE UNTIL IT'S NOTHING MORE THAN A BLOODY PULP-
TRAUMA LLAMA: 37
He used his other hand to pull me up as he stood.
“Where be ye’r clothes ange?” I pointed to the door and he nodded. He handed me something soft, but I was too afraid to look at it. What was this game?
SOS: Unless Gambit is now charging napkins, I'm not interested.
Ket: Oh, sweet hell. We are drowning in Gambit's horrible, horrible accented text. And I love Gambit's accent.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 38
YOU WHORE: 66
Sometimes the guards at the cages wanted me to beg them to use me. Was that what this was?
SOS: ...Are you saying that Gambit is just playing coy? That his mouth is saying no no, but his mind is saying yes yes?
BB: Oh, God, it's Freddy. FREDDY, GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS FIC. -Rips him out-
SOS: Eeek?
BB: Possibly.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 39
you whore: 67
“Please Remy. I want you to.” I tried to remember what the guards made me say. “I want you to fuck me. Please fuck me Remy.”
SOS: Oh. My. God. What part of ''NO!" don't you understand? He's done nothing but push you away and tell you that you shouldn't try to screw anyone here! HOW HARD IS THIS TO UNDERSTAND?
BB: The Stu has supposedly memorized the dictionary, but apparently his version didn't have "No" in it.
Ket: That's all kinds of fucked up. You're trying to associate this kid's...what I assume, rape with your ideal pairing? What the fuck? Why does he want him to do this? You would think it would be a horrible, horrible idea for him.
BB: Because the Author has no idea how to write Trauma.
ketmakura: Fuck her, and fuck her horrible use of Rape as Backstory.
YOU WHORE: 71
A tear fell from Remy’s left eye
SOS: Oh, great. The Single Tear of Doom.
BB: How much more cliche is this going to get?
Ket: I'm guessing a lot.
BB: Kill me now.
Ket: If I can't slit my wrists, you don't get to die.
BB: Dammit.
YOU WHORE: 72
and I frowned seeing it. Was that wrong?
SOS: YES. IT WAS.
BB: VERY WRONG! It's OBVIOUS he doesn't want you to touch him. He's SAID SO. WHY IS THIS STU SO FUCKING DENSE?!
Was he sad that he’d have to break his promise and hurt me because I’d messed up?
SOS: OR MAYBE HE JUST WANTS YOU TO LEAVE HIM ALONE! You don't seem to consider that an option. Why? Is it because no one can resist the allure of you nubile, starved body?
BB: .....No. He's sad because you're trying to RAPE him, and, for whatever reason, he actually feels SORRY for you. So SHUT UP.
Ket: *Sighs* This is a problem with bad fics; they have no idea how to write actual trauama, or drama, or sorrow, or anything that's not a manufactured emotion.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 41
I wiped away the tear and put the finger I’d caught it on in my mouth.
SOS: He loves the taste of your tears.
BB: And yet another cliche! ....also, a Moves Like Meyer moment, because Wardo did that shit in New Moon.
YOU WHORE: 74
He pushed the soft cloth in my chest against me harder, and I looked down at it. It was clothing.
SOS: That's his way of telling you to keep your dick to yourself. No one wants to see it flapping about.
Ket: Are you addressing him as pants now? That comma is misplaced.
BB: ...Thank you! Someone else who points that out. Ket, marry me.
Ket: But it's so sudden! ...well, okay, but I can't keep house.
SOS: See? I told you, you'd get a harem eventually.
Ket: I don't think two people counts as a harem.
BB: Oh, I have more. We all live very happily together in 1428 Elm Street.
Ket: See, BB has her own harem? She can't join mine.
BB: ....Uh....Ket?
SOS: Um...Ket? Yeah...You might want to know something...He's...a he. >//////////////<
Ket: *Facepalm* sorry. I kept calling you "her" this morning and I didn't remember being corrected
BB: ...-Awkward headrub-
Ket: I blame the vodka
BB: No problem.
Ket: That's fine! You don't need a vagina to join my non-existant harem!
SOS: You heard it, ladies and gentleman. Applications begin right this second! 8D
I opened it up, pants. Remy turned away from me and told me to put them on. His voice was gruff and harsh. Was I supposed to do it? Or maybe refuse?
SOS: FOLLOW. ORDERS. You'd think you'd have learned that already back at the Labs.
BB: Do what he says. It's OBVIOUS he doesn't WANT you unclothed.
YOU WHORE: 75
TRAUMA LLAMA: 42
I smiled slightly maybe that was it. I threw the pants at him and they hit his back. “No.”
SOS: *Gapes*
BB: You.....fucking....idiot.
YOU WHORE: 76
I turned to run out of the room,
SOS: And sprint through the X-mansion naked? ...Holy fuck. IT'S HOGWARTS EXPOSED!
BB: .....Dear Chuck, you're right.
Ket: I'm just gonna hope he sprints into the Danger Room and dies.
sure he was going to stop me and hurt me.
SOS: ...Um...isn't that something you want to avoid? Or are you just THAT suicidal?
BB: I'm guessing the second. After all, he's tried to grab Wolverine's crotch already.
I stopped at the door when he didn’t catch up to me. He was bowed over the pants I’d thrown at him crying.
Ket: ...Remy, did you throw out your back? Get up.
BB: ....Gambit. I know you're a fashion lover and all, somewhere deep down inside, but....they're pants.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 29 (?)
I expelled a harsh breath of air in my frustration. What was I supposed to do?
SOS: DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE.
BB: PUT. ON. THE. CLOTHES. And STAY that way. Forever. Never getting naked, at all, throughout eternity.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 43 (You're not convincing me he was oh so traumatised by rape when he's actively FRUSTRATED that Gambit won't fuck him!)
“Remy please.” I ran back to him and fell on his legs, almost knocking him over.
SOS: Again, malnourished, weak child who weighs 50 kilos soaking wet. Yeah, right.
BB: Maybe, if Gambit were made of wet tissue.
Ket: What is this like? Oh, like that scene in every anime ever, where one character falls on top of another and land in an awkward position.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 7
“I don’t understand what you want. Please tell me.”
Remy held the pants out to me. “Put these on ange” I nodded and swiftly slipped them on. I looked up for more directions.
SOS: Why didn't you do that to begin with and spare us all the pain?
BB: Because there must be wangst and "OMG TEH DRAMAZ!!!!!!"
“We gonna lay down on the’ bed an’ Remy gonna hold ye until ye sleep. Okay?”
SOS: No. NOT OKAY. Get some spare blankets and make him sleep on the floor. Or if you insist on being a gentleman, sleep on the floor yourself. DO NOT SHARE BEDS OR YOU WILL REGRET IT.
BB: STOP TAKLING IN THIRD PERSON. GAMBIT DOESN'T DO THAT UNLESS HE'S JOKING!
Ket: "Ye"? Remy, you're a Cajun, not an English knight.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 8
I glanced at his face, trying to find any sign of deception before nodding.
SOS: What would he lie to you for? You're clearly willing to let him screw you right here and now, so what would be the point of luring you to bed?
BB: Dramaz. It's always Dramaz with these Stus. Why can't they save it for the llamas? They need Dramaz, too.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 44
YOU WHORE: 78
Remy took my hand in one of his own and put the other on my low back.
SOS: Are they about to waltz?
BB: I sense harlequin posing! What's next, is Fabio with the Fabulous Flowing Hair goinng to appear?
Ket: I'm just hoping he's about to drop the kid over his knee.
YOU WHORE: 80
He led me slowly to the bed. I wondered at his speed, he was acting like I was going to run away.
SOS: That may because you DID try to run away--NAKED!
Ket: I think you should tranq this kid and teach him some normal social skills.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 45
I climbed up on it when we got there and tried not to bounce.
Ket: On...what? On him?
SOS: Oh, you'll be bouncing all right.
BB: ....Oh, Gods, the images. -Brain bleach-
I’d never been on a bed this soft or large before.
SOS: ...Oh, woe is you? Your bed was uncomfortable? How terrible?
BB: (Stu) I DIDN'T LIVE IN LUXURY MY ENTIRE LIFE! PITY ME AND GIMME NICE THINGS NAO OR I TANTRUM AT YOU!
WANGSTMUFFIN: 31
The only one’s I’d ever been on were in the lab’s and I hated those.
SOS: Oh, woe is you? How dare they give small beds? How terrible your life is???
BB: Or how terrible it is they had a -Gasp- LUMPY MATRESS!
WANGSTMUFFIN: 32
Remy pulled me into his arms and stretched next to me, just like Mike used to. I smiled and buried my head in his neck.
SOS: Is it just me or does Mike sound like two separate characters? There's the good version that loved the Stu, who pops up when we need sappy romantic moments. And then there's the bad version that used him, that pops up when we need wangst.
BB: Not just you. There's Mike, The Ever Loving and Perfect, and Mike, The User and Abuser.
YOU WHORE: 81
CONSISTEWHAT?: 9
I was still sure that Remy was going to wake me up and use me,
SOS: If he wants to bone you, he would have done it already. Stop reassuring yourself, it's just pathetic.
Ket: ...you know what? I need more vodka for this. Hold on.
BB: Good idea. I need the next Nightmare movie.
Ket: There we go. Now I won't care!
YOU WHORE: 82
but for now, the much missed security being held offered, lulled me to a swift sleep.
SOS: I know I always sleep well next to someone who I think is going to wake up and rape me!
Ket: I have a better way to send you to swift sleep *waves knife around*.
BB: -Pulls on Freddy's glove- Let me give you a hand.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 46
An: I'm pretty sure this will be a Logan/Remy/Harry (Angelous) threesome, but it will not be happening for a while.
BB: LIES.
SOS: Ahahahahahaha...oh wait, you're serious. Are we meant to just ignore how many times the Stu has thrown himself at Gambit and Wolverine's dicks?
BB: I think we are.
SOS: Well, that's the end of this chapter. Next chapter is another one that's more boring than bad. So...see you next time!
FINAL COUNTS:
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 91+8 = 99
TRAUMA LLAMA: 148+46 = 194
CONSISTEWHAT?: 51+9 = 60
WANGSTMUFFIN: 143+32 = 175
SOCIOPATHY: 71+2 = 73
CHARACTER BASHING: 55+6 = 61
YOU WHORE: 139+82 = 221
Go Forward to: Chapter 5, Part 1
Go Back to: Chapter 3, Part 2
BB: Let's do it.
Pyro: *Drinks another soda* Bring it.
Mike told me a story once about a wooden puppet who wanted to be a real boy.
SOS: Again, reminding us of far better stories we could be reading instead.
BB: Or watching. Hell, even Disney would be good here.
He called it the story of Pinocchio. Sometimes we would make believe and pretend that we were in that story.
SOS: The Stu played, surprise surprise, a Stu and went around raping everyone's characterisation.
Pyro: You sure he isn't one of the asses?
BB: ....cold, man.
Pyro: You said snark. And it makes sense.
That I was Pinocchio and Mike was one of the lost boys. We would make up adventures and scenarios where we escaped.
SOS: Wish fulfilment--it's the only thing this Stu can write.
BB: Now I'm getting Peter Pan flashbacks.
I always like that story. I always identified with the boy who wanted to be just like everyone else, wanted to be normal.
SOS: Um, you grew up in a facility filled with mutants. You grew up SURROUNDED by mutants. You didn't want to be normal in order to fit in. You wanted to be normal so you'd be in POWER. Instead of being a prisoner, like the other mutant. Meaning? YOU SELFISH PRICK.
Pyro: You wanted to be top-dog while making everyone else your bitch. That doesn't work here. I'M top dog right now.
BB: ....what about Logan?
Pyro: He's asleep. He doesn't count.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 2
YOU WHORE: 1
SOCIOPATHY: 1
But normalcy is impossible for me.
SOS: Because that'd mean you weren't a SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE anymore!
BB: Hold on a moment. ....Pyro, you see what I see?
Pyro: *Looks* The Stu saying he'll forever be a freak, even in this canon?
BB: Right on the nose.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 3
I knew it then and when I looked up into the faces of the mutants around me, I wondered if I could be normal here; as normal as a merkin can be surrounded by mutants.
SOS: No, you can't. Because, again, that'd mean you weren't a SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE anymore. And to Stus, that's worse than death.
Pyro: So really normal, since we're all freakish in one way or another, according to you?
WANGSTMUFFIN: 5
“Geppetto? Isn’t he Pinocchio’s dad?” Jubilation Lee asked me. I shook my head. Geppetto was Pinocchio’s maker.
SOS: And thus his DAD.
BB: Stop calling her Jubilation Lee. She's Jubilee. That's ALL. It's her nickname as well as her codename.
Jean looked at me funny and I wondered what I’d done and whether or not I’d be punished for it.
SOS: You were a Stu, and you WILL be punished for that with extreme prejudice. But really, Jean, I expected you to do a little more than look at him funny.
BB: Jean, why you fail me? Y?
CHARACTER BASHING: 1
TRAUMA LLAMA: 2
“Those are both puppet masters. Why those names in particular?”
I wasn’t sure what to do. Would they make me leave if they knew I could take over their body?
SOS: No, they wouldn't. They'd help you learn how to control your ability, so you wouldn't be a danger to others, as you are now. Hiding things from them will only make them distrust you more when they find out! And they WILL find out, given how much you flaunt your little abilities.
YOU WHORE: 2
WANGSTMUFFIN: 4
CONSISTEWHAT?: 1 (I thought you believed Wolverine when he said he's going to take care of you?)
I looked at The Professor. He’d already ordered me not to use my powers on others.
“Try and explain it with words Angelous.”
SOS: Well, gee, that was helpful of you.
BB: Professor, your Awesome goes down.
I smiled softly when he used my name. He was the first to do so
“I can make the body do what I want. I can make someone’s muscles move and make them walk, talk, do what I want.”
SOS: And ressurect dead tissue, and do god knows what with the mind, and create energy out of nowhere...
BB: ....this sounds.....very familiar.
.........oh, FUCK. That's who it is! HE'S TRYING TO BE PUPPET MASTER. From the Fantastic Four comics. (Another beautiful Marvel invention.)
SOS: Plagiarism, yay!
YOU WHORE: 9
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 3
No one spoke and the guards looked fearful.
BB: FINALLY! REALISM!
SOS: And yet they get angry when Jean gets worried later...
I shivered and a whimper escaped from my mouth.
SOS: (Stu) Oh no! I must play up the pitiful! I can't blow my cover! I WILL DIE WITHOUT SYMPATHY!
Pyro: What a wimp. One-Eye, blast him already.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 6
I looked at Remy but even he looked slightly fearful.
SOS: Can it be ANY more obvious that you don't care about ANYONE except the two people you want to bone?
BB: Well......he could be fawning over them and begging "DON'T HATE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE."
YOU WHORE: 10
“I’m sorry.” I whispered. I would do anything to stay here.
SOS: Except not randomly using your powers on people. Because he never stops that. Ever.
YOU WHORE: 11
Wolverine slowly took his arms off my waist and I turned to look at him in horror. No. I couldn’t leave.
SOS: THANK YOU, Wolverine. Now, claw that little shit's face off, and we can declare you in-character again.
BB: Or tell him to at LEAST get the fuck out! That'd be like you, too. PLEASE. Throw us a BONE!
Pyro: He won't. Logan's a selfish prick. *Gets hit in the head with a boot* OW!
Logan: *Laughing from next room*
YOU WHORE: 13
They had been nice to me. Let me eat at the table and I didn’t have to please anyone to get food.
SOS: You didn't seem to notice that when you were cowering and playing up the traumatised victim act!
Pyro: Yeah, you little fucker. What the hell?
WANGSTMUFFIN: 9
CONSISTEWHAT?: 4
I slipped off Wolverine’s lap and tried to walk towards the Professor.
SOS: Oh, that's a good idea.
BB: Walk toward the leader after such a big revelation. They'll kill you for sure.
Storm, Scott, and Jean stood up like they were going to come after me, or protect the Professor. I wasn’t sure which
SOS: I don't care. *Chants* KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!
BB: I agree with it. This Stu has pushed a button.
I fell on my knees and tried to crawl towards the Professor whimpering, “Please, I can be a good merkin.
SOS: LIES. Just try and prove it, I dare you.
BB: ....one second. -Covers Pyro's eyes and plugs his ears- We don't need his brain scarred.
YOU WHORE: 17
Let me show you. I’ll be good I promise. Please don’t make me leave. Let me please you. I can make you feel so good.”
SOS: No, you can't. Because you can't even stop referring to mutants as freaks.
BB: This is a good time to tell everyone something very important about Professor X.
Everyone, remember when, earlier, the Stu said Professor Xavier was in some kind of "mobile chair?" There's a reason for that. Professor Xavier is paralyzed from the waist down. He can't stand up or move his legs at all. He can't feel anything below his waist, and this is all due to a bullet he got in the back when he was twenty or so.
SOS, you want to point out the glaringly obvious?
SOS: That the Stu is basically offering him a blowjob, and it would not fucking work, because the penis is BELOW HIS FUCKING WAIST.
And don't you DARE tell me the Stu simply hadn't seen someone paralysed before. He came from a gruesome lab, and he SURELY must have seen at least one mutant paralysed by an experiment!
BB: -Nods- Soooo......this tells us that the Stu is even more of an idiot than we were first lead to believe!
YOU WHORE: 21
Finally I reached the Professors wheel and I put my hands on his legs.
SOS: STOP MOLESTING PEOPLE! HANDS OFF!
BB: ...Don't you fucking dare.
YOU WHORE: 22
He stopped me by putting his hands on mine. I looked up into his deep blue eyes, and tears feel down my face.
SOS: ...Are you sure this isn't a Stu/Xavier fic?
BB: CHERIK. CHERIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK.
.......uh. ....sorry. Wrong button. -Pushes the other one-
YOU WHORE: 24
WANGSTMUFFIN: 10
I ran out of words.
SOS: The End. This fic wasn't as long as I thought.
BB: If only.
“Please” I whispered over and over. “Please.”
SOS: Apparently, 'please' isn't a word.
BB: Here, it's just letters written in the same sequence over and over again. There's no meaning.
YOU WHORE: 26
I felt a hand on my shoulder pulling me away, and I fought it a little before giving in. I’d failed. They were going to either throw me out, put me in a cage somewhere, or kill me.
SOS: YEEEEEEEEEEEES! *Gets popcorn*
BB: Make it the last one. Please? Pleaseeeeeeee?
WANGSTMUFFIN: 15
I closed my eyes, unwilling to watch the faces of Remy or Logan contorted in rage or disgust. A wet sob escaped my throat before I could stop it.
SOS: YESYESYESYESYES!!! *Passes popcorn around*
BB: Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill him. C'mooooooooooooooooooooooooon! And let Pyro do it. The Suethor ragged on him too much.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 18
X-men POV
They watched in a mixture of horror and repulsion as the boy, Angelous, begged to ‘please’ the Professor.
SOS: YES. SENSE!!!!
BB: IT'S REALISTIC! -Hugs the X-Men and cries- I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH.
CONSISTEWHAT?: 5 (Why doesn't this POV switch have a section break?)
Logan stopped him with hand on his shoulder. How could anyone be this broken?
SOS: Through horrible writing and mind-numbing idiocy.
BB: ....and the love fades. Dammit, Suethor. Just when they act in character, you piss it down your leg.
YOU WHORE: 17
WANGSTMUFFIN: 19
Rouge turned into Bobby’s shoulder and choked back a sob.
SOS: The fact that ONLY women cry and sob and act like airheads in this fic bothers me.
BB: .....really? Rogue? ROGUE? The girl who kicks buck and takes names like it's no-one's business?
YOU WHORE: 19
Logan sat down on the floor and pulled Angelous into his lap. Remy settled next to them and the boy’s eyes snapped open.
SOS: (Stu) Mission successful! Wolverine and Gambit are voluntarily hugging me! Just a few more days, and they'll be MIIIIINE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
YOU WHORE: 21
BB: .....it's scary how you do that.
Pyro: Do what?
BB: Write the Stu's plots so well. It's like she reads their minds.
Pyro: ...is she a mutant?
SOS: No, I've just read far too many badfics than is probably healthy, like BB.
Pyro: You two are nuts.
BB: Thank you.
He wiggled in Logan’s lap and turned to try and undo his pants.
SOS: GAH. LITTLE MISS MARY FLASHBACKS.
Logan: *Storms in and stabs him through the stomach*
BB: .....HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW? You were asleep!
Logan: I have sixth sense for this shit.
YOU WHORE: 23
“Non ange” Remy whispered. “no’ like that ‘ere. We’re no’ gonna make you leave.
Angelous buried his face in Wolverine’s lap
SOS: OH GOD, POOR WOLVERINE!
BB: NOW! And STOP WITH THAT ACCENT.
YOU WHORE: 24
and sobbed. His audible cries shaking his whole body, and the force of them even made Logan rock.
SOS: OH. BULL. SHIT. He's been starved for all his life and probably weighs 50 kilos soaking wet, and he can make Logan rock just by shaking himself? BULLSHIT.
BB: Don't forget the fact that Logan has a skeleton of adamantium. It takes a lot to make him shake at all.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 23
Hank settled on the other side and blocked the boy from the others’ view.
SOS: So that Wolverine can quickly kill him without giving this fic a PG rating.
“Logan and I both promised we wouldn’t let anyone hurt you.”
SOS: (Stu) Well, fuck you! I only want to listen to Logan and Remy, because they're hawt!!!
Pyro: I'm hotter than both of them combined.
BB: ....*Rimshot*
Pyro: *Glares*
BB: ....-Hides the drumsticks- ....
“Yea kid, how are we gunna do that if you’re not here.” Logan added. Somehow that seemed to console the boy,
SOS: What did I say? He only listens to the HAWT MENZ.
BB: KILL.
CHARACTER BASHING: 1
YOU WHORE: 25 (Yeah, you threw that fit JUST so Wolverine will fawn over you.)
and he looked up at Logan
His face was wet with tears, his eyes swollen and read, but still he was beautiful.
SOS: Someone maul his fucking face off. I can't stand this smug bitch.
BB: I've read this before.
SOS: Yeah, in every single Suefic EVER.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 26
YOU WHORE: 27
Logan nodded and him and winked. The boy turned to get affirmation from both Hand and Remy before smiling softly at Logan.
BB: ...Niiiiiiiice typo.
SOS: Insecure whore...Logan isn't enough, huh? You won't stop until EVERYONE is fawning over you and bending backwards to accommodate you.
YOU WHORE: 31
“But, you’re afraid of me.”
SOS: Because you are a creepy, murdering BASTARD. And you keep fingering everyone's groin.
BB: Logan fears no one.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 1
Remy sighed and glared at those around them, as though he hadn’t been afraid and blamed them.
SOS: Hypocrisy! A true sign of a hero!
BB: Gambit, why? Why you?
CHARACTER BASHING: 2
He put a gloved hand on the boys face and whipped his tears with a thumb. “Are ye gonna control us ange?” The boy shook his head frantically, eyes wide.
SOS: LIES. He's already used his powers on you without permission.
BB: Gambit, just make him explode already. Or, better yet, pull a Lucifer and make him explode like a water balloon full of chunky red soup! DO IT! DO IT NOW OR I'LL SUMMON SOMEONE I SHOULDN'T!
YOU WHORE: 33
SOCIOPATHY: 1
“Then we’ve got no reason to no’ trust ye, do we?”
SOS: HE COULD BE MOTHERFUCKING LYING. ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO TEST HIM? CHECK HIS BACKGROUND? DOUBLE CHECK HIS HISTORY? AT ALL?
BB: If they did, that would bring in Logic. Can't have that.
Angelous turned his sparkling emerald eyes on Xavier.
SOS: No, seriously. Every time the Stu gets together with Xavier, the UST gets thick enough to choke people.
YOU WHORE: 36
BB: -Sigh- I have nothing but images.
SOS: Bring them on?
BB: You asked for it.
....I'm better.
“You said not to. I wouldn’t ever disobey.”
BB: LIES.
SOS: MOTHERFUCKING LIES! IT'S ALL LIES! YOU ARE A LYING LIAR WHO LIIIIIIIIIIES!!!!!
CONSISTEWHAT?: 6
Xavier nodded, a small sad smile pulling at his lips. “I know dear boy. I will help you learn control.”
SOS: (Xavier) You will, of course, be in the gimp suit.
YOU WHORE: 38
The boy tilted his head in confusion but must have assumed he’d caused enough trouble, and let it go.
SOS: And because the Suethor wants to move on to the next disgusting scene!
BB: And, oh boy, is it disgusting.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 3 (Apparently, he KNEW he was causing trouble, and yet still didn't stop immediately despite supposedly years of conditioning.)
Xavier told Logan and Remy to take Angelous with them. “Perhaps he could stay with one of you tonight, until we find a permanent place for him.”
SOS: Do you not have a SINGLE spare room in the whole Academy???
BB: ....THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF ROOMS! THOUSANDS! THOUSANDS!
SOS: Y U SUBJECT WOLVERINE AND GAMBIT TO THIS BULLSHIT??? WHY?????? WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO DESERVE BEING STUCK IN THE SAME ROOM AS THE STU?
BB: Be too sexy for their own good.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 2
YOU WHORE: 39
They nodded and each took a hold of one of the boy’s hands.
SOS: And PULLED, ripping him in half.
BB: YAY!
YOU WHORE: 41
He walked with them, only pulling once or twice. His eyes took in everyone’s smiles of reassurance, and he seemed to deflate a little.
SOS: (Stu) Oh no! People aren't crying over my horrible life! Noooooo, I can't live without someone cooing and crying over me!
BB: And the the Stu died a horrible death and all of canon was restored.
YOU WHORE: 42
TRAUMA LLAMA: 4 (God, it's that “ooh, he doesn't know what smiles mean, WEEP DAMMIT, WEEP” thing again.)
As soon as the boy left the room, both Jean and Kitty broke down in tears.
SOS: Oh, never mind.
BB: Nooooo! Not my girls! Those two are part of a dream Lesbian RP I have.
YOU WHORE: 44
SOS: And what the hell is Jean doing, crying? Weren't you hammering into our heads how she thinks the Stu is weird just a second ago? ROGUE was the one crying, not Jean!
CONSISTEWHAT?: 7
Scott and Kurt took care of them.
SOS: Oh, how nicely sexist of you. It's only the weak little wimmins who are crying, because we're all emotional like that, huh? The Big Strong Menz are all okay?
BB: -Grits teeth- I'm a guy and even I find that insulting.
CHARACTER BASHING: 4 (I wish I had a You Sexist Bastard count.)
Xavier took a long breath and assembled his thoughts.
“That is a strong mutant.
SOS: Yeah, look how strong he was, the way he clings to everyone who has the misfortune to stand next to him.
BB: Professor, I love you, but......he isn't strong. Based on a mutant level system? He BARELY rates a four. BARELY.
YOU WHORE: 45
I would say level four or perhaps even five with enough training.”
SOS: The Suethor read your mind.
BB: .....Everyone? I swear, I did not read ahead. I have Future Sight.
Pyro: *Finishes off another soda* Get rid of the sugar in your system and it should go away.
BB: You kill my joy.
Pyro: It's what I live for, according to this fic.
They all paused to different thoughts as to the consequences of that much power in such a broken boy.
SOS: I think they're seem a lot more powerful things than a level four mutant. They can handle this fine. What's the drama?
BB: Oh, the Suethor wants it. They must think level four is impressive. It's not. Level five and above is impressive. Level four is....eh. Useful......but not USEFUL.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 5
YOU WHORE: 46
“It would be a disaster for Magneto to get his hands on him.
SOS: It would? Because there are a hell of a lot more powerful mutants than him in the Academy!
BB: Not really. It was a disaster when Magneto got his hands on JEAN! And on PYRO. HIS INFLUENCE TOUCHED BOTH OF THEM! Pyro became more powerful for it and actually gained more control over his powers. He was given more rigorous training and, as I've said, would give his LIFE and MUTATION for MAGNETO!
Jean, at the time, was an alternate personality. She was THE Omega mutant. She could defeat ANYONE. And guess what? Her, being on Magneto's side? ALMOST CAUSED THE DESTRUCTION OF THE HUMAN RACE!
SOS: And that was the least subtle foreshadowing I've ever had the misfortune to read. Where the hell did that bit about Magneto even come from? There was ZERO reason to mention him! What everyone was worried about was him controlling his own power, due to all the mental issues he obviously has! It was never about Magneto getting his hands on him!
YOU WHORE: 47
Storm, I’d like you to gather together the test so we can see where his education is. Jean and Hank, I want a full work up on his health tomorrow. Scott, I want you and Logan to help me test out his abilities.”
SOS: (Xavier) EVERYTHING must grind to a halt! I can't use people who are free and have less important things to do! No! All the recognisable characters must bend over backwards to accomodate the Stu! Doesn't matter what their duties are!
BB: This would never, EVER happen in canon unless someone who was a LEGITIMATE DANGER was let in.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 3
YOU WHORE: 48
They all nodded and Xavier took another deep breath.
“Children,” They all turned to focus directly at him. “He is very afraid and broken,
SOS: (Xavier) Despite only showing fear on and off, when it's convenient.
BB: No, he's acting and a bastard.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 7
I am going to ask Remy to stay with him most of the time
SOS: What did Remy do to deserve this punishment?
BB: Gambit. GAMBIT. Professor X calls him GAMBIT because he knows it's a preferred name.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 4
SOS: Also, what a fantastic plan, Xavier. Just have Gambit mind-rape him into complacency whenever he gets distressed, because supernaturally-drugging people is the perfect answer in this situation. God forbid you slowly integrate him into the X-Men community so that he learns how to manage his issues and begin the healing process. Nope, it's much better to teach him to be dependent on a supernatural drug dispenser.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 8
but when both he and Logan are unavailable, as is likely to happen, I need you to make sure he and the other children behave appropriately.
SOS: (Xavier) As you do anyways. Why am I telling this to you?
BB: (Xavier) I believe the Stu has already started addling my mind. Soon, I will be no better than a fanon Dumbledore. Please destroy him before I waste away.
He doesn’t seem to understand social situations. It will be on you and on us all to help him learn.
SOS: (Xavier) --how he must keep his hands away from people's crotches. I will not have the students at the Academy molested.
BB: Much love.
You will need to have patience.”
BB: Yoda? Is that you?
SOS: (Xavier) Children, we have entered a war of attrition. The only thing we can do now is hold onto our characterisations as best as we can and stay away from the Stu, in the hopes that the Suethor will ignore us. If we can hold out until the end of this fic, that is when we may strike against the Stu and end him once and for all.
BB: DO IT! DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pyro: I think he's lost this mind.
SOS: Nah. That's just how he is.
Pyro: If you're sure.
He paused, and the youths shivered at the intensity of his expression, “If I find out that anyone has been mistreating him…”
SOS: (Xavier) He will be highly rewarded and given the highest honour at the Academy.
BB: (Xavier) I'll be extremely proud of them and ask them to attend the next meeting at the senate with me.
The threat was both unnecessary and terrifying.
SOS: That describes Stus very well in general, huh?
BB: From Xavier? Yes, threats can be unnecessary and terrifying. That guy can be friggin' scary when he wants to be. But this just seems.....watered down.
SOCIOPATHY: 2 (Honestly, this brings to mind favouritism and torture more than him just being protective of his students.)
Even Pyro promised himself that he would protect the beautiful, broken boy with everything he was.
SOS: D: NO, Pyro! Not you too!
Pyro: I had my fingers crossed, bitches.
BB: Childish, but so wonderful.
YOU WHORE: 52
Unfortunately, to Pyro, protecting the boy meant something different then it did to the others.
SOS: It meant murder with EXTREME PREJUDICE.
BB: The Awesome is back!
Pyro: Told you.
BB: We're sorry to have doubted you, great Pyro.
CHARACTER BASHING:5
Angelous POV
While Wolverine and Remy led me to their cages, I tried to get a hold of myself. I tried to figure out what all this meant.
SOS: ....Excuse me. I have to go demolish a wall with my head.
BB: I.....CAGES?! It's OBVIOUS by now THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THAT LAB HERE. It.....I........DO YOU HONESTLY THIK LOGAN WOULD LET HIMSELF BE PUT IN A CAGE AFTER ALL HE'S GONE THROUGH!?
SOS: Then again, he IS kind of fucking stupid.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 10
They were going to let me stay.
SOS: The worst decision they have ever made.
BB: Yes.
Remy and Wolverine and Blue had touched me, but they hadn’t hurt me
SOS: Well, fair enough, second worst. The worst is not killing him as soon as they laid eyes on him.
BB: Eh. True. -Clings to the boys- I still love you. So does Rogue.
and they’d all promised that I could stay. Remy kept saying ‘it wasn’t like that here’. What did he mean? It wasn’t like what?
SOS: Um...the LABS, maybe? HELLO?
BB: .....-Facepalm- Stu obviously has no brains.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 14 (For god's sake, he just recapped all the evidence that they're not out to get him, and he STILL doesn't get it!)
They didn’t let me show the Professor how good I was.
SOS: You know, it's kind of hard to take you seriously as a traumatised victim when you do nothing but boast about how awesome your blowjobs are.
BB: In fact, it makes you seem like what you are. A disgusting whore who wants to prove he can be good enough when it's obvious he has nothing else for him.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 15
Why was that? The only thing I could figure out was that he was like the first Doctor.
SOS: Or because he's not interested in you. Because you're not interesting. Is the truth too painful to accept, you little shit?
YOU WHORE: 53
The Doctor didn’t like using freaks, said 'it' would get on him, whatever 'it' was.
SOS: ...You know, it did just occur to me. The guards likely wouldn't have used condoms when they were raping the mutants. So...this Stu probably has seven different types of STDs, and he wouldn't have fixed it, because he clearly doesn't know about them, and his power is activated when he consciously wants his body to heal something.
That throws all the sex scenes later into an interesting light.
Maybe the Professor was like that. Or maybe Wolverine didn’t want me to show them how good I was. Why would he do that?
SOS: Because you do not go around and fucking molest people. Why can't you get this into your head? They. Do. Not. Want. Your. Blowjobs. Because not everyone is aroused by you!
BB: Hell, some people aren't even aroused by ANYTHING.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 16
My eyes widened and I gasped. Logan wanted me to show him first.
BB: NO.
SOS: I...what...I don't even...How the HELL did you come to that conclusion? This is nothing but wishful thinking!
BB: EXPLAIN THIS BULLSHIT.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 17
So that if I got ‘it’ on him, then they would know not to let the Professor use me.
SOS: ...Yes. One of the X-Men's key duties is testing for STDs in the Professor's bed partners.
BB: It's right up there with making sure Wolverine has his blanky.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 18
I could understand that.
SOS: I CAN'T!
BB: Me, either. Pyro?
Pyro: I have no words.
BB: Damn.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 19
That was probably why they were letting me stay in Remy or Wolverine’s cage, so I could show them then.
SOS: You know, you JUST came from a medical bay. Don't you think they would have checked you with the equipment there if they're worried about "it"? Risking themselves to find out seems a TAD stupid to me
BB: Again, that would be logical. But Logic has passed away in this fic, poor dear.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 20
We stopped at a wooden door and I took a look around. I hadn’t been paying attention to where we were going because I was lost in my thoughts.
SOS: Next thing you know, he won't be able to find his lips.
BB: Hi thar Bella.
The lighting was soft and shadows played around the wooden décor. I’d never seen anything as ornate as this hall. There were shapes and colors on the wall and the floor was soft and squishy under my bare feet. There were tables with plants along the wall and a red chair, like the chair the Doctor used to read in, rested at the end. There was a lamp lighting up the chair.
SOS: And after seeing this? He's STILL convinced they're leading him to a cage!
BB: .....It's obviously not a cage. And, no offense? But the X-Manor is actually rather plain in decoration. There are plants.....some paintings......but the rest is all either beige paint or stainless steel.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 21
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 5
“Who should he stay with?” Wolverine asked.
SOS: No one should be subjected to cruelty like that! It has to be a violation of human rights, somehow!
BB: Logan, please. If you love me and your canon self, THROW THIS BITCH OUT THE WINDOW!!!!!!!!!!!
I understood from his sentence structure that he wasn’t talking to me. I was used to my betters talking about me like I wasn’t there, but it still kind of hurt when my idol did it.
SOS: Entitlement whore. Wolverine can't talk to you all the fucking time! He can talk to whoever he wants, and you better back off, you passive-aggressive bitch.
BB: That's how Logan is. He never talks to anyone straight on.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 27
TRAUMA LLAMA: 22
Especially since they were talking about who I was going with, and therefore who would use me first.
SOS: Dude. You've TRIED to get close to Wolverine's crotch using whatever excuse you can. And what's happened every time? He or Gambit STOPPED YOU. It should be MORE THAN OBVIOUS at this point that they. Are. Not. Interested!
BB: My dear SOS, you should know Stus never do as they're told. It's against their nature.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 23
YOU WHORE: 54 (And he STILL doesn't grasp the concept that some people are just immune to his ~*~charms~*~)
I was used to it, but that didn’t mean I liked it. I let my emotions fade and adopted the body language I used when the guards came to get me.
SOS: See what I mean? Passive-aggressive whore...Just because the X-Men are nice to you, doesn't mean they have to cater to your every whim. Things you don't like will happen, because that is how life fucking works, you SPOILED BRAT!
WANGSTMUFFIN: 28
TRAUMA LLAMA: 24
YOU WHORE: 55
Eventually they decided I would stay with Remy because he could calm me down. I sighed a little, happy that my fantasies about my idol wouldn’t be ruined just yet.
SOS: ...Did...did he just imply Wolverine might not be as big in real life as he imagined? *Blink*
BB: I think so.
SOS: I...pfffffffffthahahahahaha...oh my GOD, I must send this passage to Logan some time.
BB: Do it. Though he'll probably ignore it.
SOS: Aaaaaand...now, we head into such a concentrated heap of almost-rape and whorishness that I fear we'll have to bring in some reinforcement. And thus, ladies and gentlemen, I give you...*drumroll* DRUNK KET!!!
Wolverine told me goodnight, and pulled me into a hug. It took a moment for me to get over my shock and elation that Wolverine was hugging me!
Ket: Yes, that's so in character for him, too.
SOS: Yeah, it's shock and elation when Wolverine is hugging you, but as soon as Hank looks at you, you're running for the hills.
Ket: Because it's all about looks, of course. Never mind that Beast is one of the most gentle and intelligent X-Men.
BB: To the Stu, if he doesn't look good, he doesn't matter. Or if he doesn't look HUMAN.
Ket: Fuck that.
SOS: And just why would he interpret a hug as a good thing? AGAIN, wasn't he supposed to fear physical contact because in his mind, all it meant was pain? How would he even know about hugs? Did the guards cuddle him often?
BB: I'm guessing from Mike. Though that makes no sense, since he said thhat Mike was as bad as the guards and all...
YOU WHORE: 57
CHARACTER BASHING: 6
But I hugged him back. I wrapped my arms around him and fisted my hands in his shirt, sniffing him.
SOS: O.O *Squeak* Oh my god, that's creepy.
BB: ....Bella? .......is..........is that YOU?
Ket: Shallow enough to be her.
YOU WHORE: 61
I wanted to remember his smell so I could add it to my imaginings.
BB: ....TMI.
SOS: He is SO going to sneak into Wolverine's room and steal a shirt so he can masturbate with it at one point.
Ket: I'm guessing he smells like man musk and ciagrettes.
BB: That, I wouldn't mind. ....forgive my mental musings. But, as said, TMI - we don't need to know your wet dreams, kid.
Ket: But we're gonna hear 'em anyway, B.
BB: I know. -Shakes head- I'll mourn our braincells.
YOU WHORE: 62
He pulled back, so I let him go and followed Remy down the hall to his cage.
Ket: What? Wait. What?
SOS: No, really. Why do you think they'd keep cages in lush hallways?
BB: Oh, yes. Ket? This Stu is determined that the X-Men live in cages. I...have no idea why
Ket: Why are they keeping Gambit in a cage? Is he dancing in his manties?
SOS: Sadly no. This Stu is just delusional
Ket: Well, there goes all my potential enjoyment. *Takes a shot of vodka*
BB: If he was, though, I'm sure Rogue would have front row seats.
He held the door open so I could go in first. The size of the cage was the first thing I noticed and it froze me in my tracks. The cage was huge!
SOS: That MIGHT be because it's not a fucking cage! It's a BEDROOM!
Ket: I'm...I'm sorry. If you didn't read the comic books, did you at least watch the 90's cartoon? It's a school, essentially. They have dorms.
BB: Oh, she supposedly owns the comics. But this is a mix of comicverse, movieverse, and cartoonverse. All rolled into one huge ball of suck.
Ket: My ass she does.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 25
Remy chuckled at me and I gaped at him. “This is your cage?” He laughed again and shook his head, “Non, this be Remy’s room.”
SOS: If only he added, '--you fucking idiot' to the end of that...
BB: It'd be perfect. A bit OOC, because Gambit's a gentleman, but perfect.
And, if I may say something, people from New Orleans DO have a grasp on grammar. "Non, this is my room," would be what Gambit
actually WOULD say. He doesn't talk in third person like L.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 6
“Room” I whispered. "A particular portion of space appropriated for occupancy, unobstructed space, space which may be occupied by or devoted to any object."
SOS: YES. How hard is this to understand?
BB: SOS, I think I found something good about this fic. I've found I'd rather read the dictionary than another line of this shit.
Ket: ...why is he talking like a computer?
BB: I propose that he's a cyborg determined to brainwash everyone.
SOS: And I propose we kill it with fire
Ket: I'm all for that *flicks lighter*
BB: -Gets a flamethrower- My pleasure!
TRAUMA LLAMA: 26
"Non, Its where Remy sleeps, a place just for Gambit." Remy corrected me.
I shook my head. My definitions were off, perhaps I needed a new dictionary.
SOS: No! Your definition ISN'T off! That is a space appropriate for occupancy--and Gambit occupies it! For someone who has memorised the dictionary, you sure can't interpret it.
Ket: Okay. Yes, Gambit does speak in third person sometimes, but not always!
SOS: Oh, just you wait. The accent gets SO much worse. So, SO much worse.
Ket: *attempts to slit wrist with spatula*
CONSISTEWHAT?: 8
TRAUMA LLAMA: 27
"So, its like a cage, but bigger and is called a room?"
"Somethin' li'e tha' ange"
SOS: NO. IT'S A FUCKING ROOM. READ THAT FUCKING DICTIONARY AGAIN, YOU IDIOT!
Ket: What? Babe, was that even words?!
BB: Yep. "Something like that, Angel." I'm apparently this fic's translator.
Ket: I'm guessing it's supposed to be 'ange', which is French for 'angel', but what the fuck? Why would he be calling some dude he barely knows 'angel'?!
BB: He's been doing that the whole time. And it's supposedly because of "Heavenly looks."
Ket: I'd say I should have read the first chapter, but I don't care that much.
Remy smiled and started undressing.
SOS: Gambit? SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON. OR THAT STU WILL STEAL YOUR PENIS!
BB: Gambit. KEEP. THEM. ON. DO IT! Please don't get naked.
I held in a whimper and with shaking hands I pulled off the shirt that Blue must have put on me in his lab.
SOS: This Stu seems determined to make EVERY X-Men fondle him, huh? He doesn't even like Hank!
BB: Well, he's a Whore Stu. I expect this, actually.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 30
Remy wasn’t facing me, he was fumbling through a cabinet.
SOS: (Gambit) Dammit, where did I put my spork?
BB: (Gambit) It's gotta happen. *Gets on his gloves and readies himself to explode the damn Stu* But it's going to be a mess to clean up.
ketmakura: (Gambit) Gambit is gonna need a lot more booze to get through this, mon ame.
I pushed the pants down and tossed the clothes to the wall by the door, so I could know exactly where they were when Remy was done.
Ket: Or you could put the pants in a hamper, you slob.
SOS: Don't worry. You won't need clothes when he's done. There'll be barely enough of you left to fill a perfume bottle.
BB: Forget perfume bottles, try a contact.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 31
I genuflected on the floor, sat on my heels, and waited.
SOS: PUT. THAT. THESAURUS. DOWN.
BB: It was raped enough by Meyer. Leave the poor book alone.
Ket: Author, are you not aware of the implications that go with "genuflect"? Unless Gambit is a diety or a king, that just looks wrong.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 33
I knew when Remy was done fumbling because he gasped. I heard him stride towards me quickly and braced myself.
SOS: (Harry) And then I exploded.
BB: That'd be a much more satisfying ending.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 34
“Non” he whispered and kneeled down beside me.
“Non ange, Remy doesn’t want this.” I didn’t understand this game.
Ket: *Pulls hair* Neither do I! Why is this happening and why do I care?!
SOS: It's not a GAME! HE'S TELLING YOU NO! SO BACK OFF!
BB: Here, let me say it in Stu. -Clears throat- He does not want your supposed ASTONISHING brand of blow-job sex. He wants ROGUE'S astonishing brand of sex. I'm not sorry.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 35
I’d never played it before. Was I supposed to convince him?
SOS: NO. YOU ARE NOT. When someone says no to sex, YOU BACK THE FUCK OFF.
BB: Otherwise, it is rape. But you don't care about that, do you? Especially not with what you do LATER. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.
Ket: Is this dude supposed to sound like he's not human? Or rather, not from this planet?
BB: He's supposedly a Mutant. With multiple powers.
Ket: Yeah, but most mutants don't act like this!
BB: Well, he's also Harry Potter, supposedly.
Ket: Harry Potter didn't act like this, either!
SOS: He's a Stu. Of course he's not human.
YOU WHORE: 63
He still didn’t have his shirt on so I reached my hand out to rest it on his stomach.
SOS: For a second, I thought he'd go straight for the dick.
BB: DO NOT WANT.
Ket: "I can feel it kicking. How far along are you?"
He grasped my hand in his and
SOS: --snapped it off.
BB: --yanked me forward, forcing me to stare up at his eyes. "You disgust me," he said, his voice cold. "I hate scum like you." His beautiful gaze became cold and destructive, and I felt something press against my stomach, something warm, but not hard, like I had come to expect. "Time to get rid of you, once and for all!"
Ket: Remy, my love, please. Charge a card and shove it down his throat.
YOU WHORE: 64
pulled it up to cup his face. Ok. That was where my hand went.
SOS: NO. IT IS NOT. KEEP YOUR HAND TO YOURSELF, THANK YOU.
Ket: This is the most annoying protagonist I've ever read about. There is no reason for his non-realistic reactions.
BB: Gambit. Please. Please just....just get RID of it already. That thing is screwing with you - both literrally and physically right now and it needs to stop. So make it stop.
YOU WHORE: 65
TRAUMA LLAMA: 36
I was glad he’d showed me instead of beating me for guessing wrong.
SOS: Because the person who's done nothing by use his powers to calm you down and reassure you from the beginning will surely beat you, yes.
Ket: My heart bleeds for you. *Takes another shot*
BB: .......re-reading that line....I..... I have found there is something I wish to do. -Grabs a bat with nails sticking out of it- . . . -BASHES THE STU IN THE FACE UNTIL IT'S NOTHING MORE THAN A BLOODY PULP-
TRAUMA LLAMA: 37
He used his other hand to pull me up as he stood.
“Where be ye’r clothes ange?” I pointed to the door and he nodded. He handed me something soft, but I was too afraid to look at it. What was this game?
SOS: Unless Gambit is now charging napkins, I'm not interested.
Ket: Oh, sweet hell. We are drowning in Gambit's horrible, horrible accented text. And I love Gambit's accent.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 38
YOU WHORE: 66
Sometimes the guards at the cages wanted me to beg them to use me. Was that what this was?
SOS: ...Are you saying that Gambit is just playing coy? That his mouth is saying no no, but his mind is saying yes yes?
BB: Oh, God, it's Freddy. FREDDY, GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS FIC. -Rips him out-
SOS: Eeek?
BB: Possibly.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 39
you whore: 67
“Please Remy. I want you to.” I tried to remember what the guards made me say. “I want you to fuck me. Please fuck me Remy.”
SOS: Oh. My. God. What part of ''NO!" don't you understand? He's done nothing but push you away and tell you that you shouldn't try to screw anyone here! HOW HARD IS THIS TO UNDERSTAND?
BB: The Stu has supposedly memorized the dictionary, but apparently his version didn't have "No" in it.
Ket: That's all kinds of fucked up. You're trying to associate this kid's...what I assume, rape with your ideal pairing? What the fuck? Why does he want him to do this? You would think it would be a horrible, horrible idea for him.
BB: Because the Author has no idea how to write Trauma.
ketmakura: Fuck her, and fuck her horrible use of Rape as Backstory.
YOU WHORE: 71
A tear fell from Remy’s left eye
SOS: Oh, great. The Single Tear of Doom.
BB: How much more cliche is this going to get?
Ket: I'm guessing a lot.
BB: Kill me now.
Ket: If I can't slit my wrists, you don't get to die.
BB: Dammit.
YOU WHORE: 72
and I frowned seeing it. Was that wrong?
SOS: YES. IT WAS.
BB: VERY WRONG! It's OBVIOUS he doesn't want you to touch him. He's SAID SO. WHY IS THIS STU SO FUCKING DENSE?!
Was he sad that he’d have to break his promise and hurt me because I’d messed up?
SOS: OR MAYBE HE JUST WANTS YOU TO LEAVE HIM ALONE! You don't seem to consider that an option. Why? Is it because no one can resist the allure of you nubile, starved body?
BB: .....No. He's sad because you're trying to RAPE him, and, for whatever reason, he actually feels SORRY for you. So SHUT UP.
Ket: *Sighs* This is a problem with bad fics; they have no idea how to write actual trauama, or drama, or sorrow, or anything that's not a manufactured emotion.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 41
I wiped away the tear and put the finger I’d caught it on in my mouth.
SOS: He loves the taste of your tears.
BB: And yet another cliche! ....also, a Moves Like Meyer moment, because Wardo did that shit in New Moon.
YOU WHORE: 74
He pushed the soft cloth in my chest against me harder, and I looked down at it. It was clothing.
SOS: That's his way of telling you to keep your dick to yourself. No one wants to see it flapping about.
Ket: Are you addressing him as pants now? That comma is misplaced.
BB: ...Thank you! Someone else who points that out. Ket, marry me.
Ket: But it's so sudden! ...well, okay, but I can't keep house.
SOS: See? I told you, you'd get a harem eventually.
Ket: I don't think two people counts as a harem.
BB: Oh, I have more. We all live very happily together in 1428 Elm Street.
Ket: See, BB has her own harem? She can't join mine.
BB: ....Uh....Ket?
SOS: Um...Ket? Yeah...You might want to know something...He's...a he. >//////////////<
Ket: *Facepalm* sorry. I kept calling you "her" this morning and I didn't remember being corrected
BB: ...-Awkward headrub-
Ket: I blame the vodka
BB: No problem.
Ket: That's fine! You don't need a vagina to join my non-existant harem!
SOS: You heard it, ladies and gentleman. Applications begin right this second! 8D
I opened it up, pants. Remy turned away from me and told me to put them on. His voice was gruff and harsh. Was I supposed to do it? Or maybe refuse?
SOS: FOLLOW. ORDERS. You'd think you'd have learned that already back at the Labs.
BB: Do what he says. It's OBVIOUS he doesn't WANT you unclothed.
YOU WHORE: 75
TRAUMA LLAMA: 42
I smiled slightly maybe that was it. I threw the pants at him and they hit his back. “No.”
SOS: *Gapes*
BB: You.....fucking....idiot.
YOU WHORE: 76
I turned to run out of the room,
SOS: And sprint through the X-mansion naked? ...Holy fuck. IT'S HOGWARTS EXPOSED!
BB: .....Dear Chuck, you're right.
Ket: I'm just gonna hope he sprints into the Danger Room and dies.
sure he was going to stop me and hurt me.
SOS: ...Um...isn't that something you want to avoid? Or are you just THAT suicidal?
BB: I'm guessing the second. After all, he's tried to grab Wolverine's crotch already.
I stopped at the door when he didn’t catch up to me. He was bowed over the pants I’d thrown at him crying.
Ket: ...Remy, did you throw out your back? Get up.
BB: ....Gambit. I know you're a fashion lover and all, somewhere deep down inside, but....they're pants.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 29 (?)
I expelled a harsh breath of air in my frustration. What was I supposed to do?
SOS: DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE.
BB: PUT. ON. THE. CLOTHES. And STAY that way. Forever. Never getting naked, at all, throughout eternity.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 43 (You're not convincing me he was oh so traumatised by rape when he's actively FRUSTRATED that Gambit won't fuck him!)
“Remy please.” I ran back to him and fell on his legs, almost knocking him over.
SOS: Again, malnourished, weak child who weighs 50 kilos soaking wet. Yeah, right.
BB: Maybe, if Gambit were made of wet tissue.
Ket: What is this like? Oh, like that scene in every anime ever, where one character falls on top of another and land in an awkward position.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 7
“I don’t understand what you want. Please tell me.”
Remy held the pants out to me. “Put these on ange” I nodded and swiftly slipped them on. I looked up for more directions.
SOS: Why didn't you do that to begin with and spare us all the pain?
BB: Because there must be wangst and "OMG TEH DRAMAZ!!!!!!"
“We gonna lay down on the’ bed an’ Remy gonna hold ye until ye sleep. Okay?”
SOS: No. NOT OKAY. Get some spare blankets and make him sleep on the floor. Or if you insist on being a gentleman, sleep on the floor yourself. DO NOT SHARE BEDS OR YOU WILL REGRET IT.
BB: STOP TAKLING IN THIRD PERSON. GAMBIT DOESN'T DO THAT UNLESS HE'S JOKING!
Ket: "Ye"? Remy, you're a Cajun, not an English knight.
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 8
I glanced at his face, trying to find any sign of deception before nodding.
SOS: What would he lie to you for? You're clearly willing to let him screw you right here and now, so what would be the point of luring you to bed?
BB: Dramaz. It's always Dramaz with these Stus. Why can't they save it for the llamas? They need Dramaz, too.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 44
YOU WHORE: 78
Remy took my hand in one of his own and put the other on my low back.
SOS: Are they about to waltz?
BB: I sense harlequin posing! What's next, is Fabio with the Fabulous Flowing Hair goinng to appear?
Ket: I'm just hoping he's about to drop the kid over his knee.
YOU WHORE: 80
He led me slowly to the bed. I wondered at his speed, he was acting like I was going to run away.
SOS: That may because you DID try to run away--NAKED!
Ket: I think you should tranq this kid and teach him some normal social skills.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 45
I climbed up on it when we got there and tried not to bounce.
Ket: On...what? On him?
SOS: Oh, you'll be bouncing all right.
BB: ....Oh, Gods, the images. -Brain bleach-
I’d never been on a bed this soft or large before.
SOS: ...Oh, woe is you? Your bed was uncomfortable? How terrible?
BB: (Stu) I DIDN'T LIVE IN LUXURY MY ENTIRE LIFE! PITY ME AND GIMME NICE THINGS NAO OR I TANTRUM AT YOU!
WANGSTMUFFIN: 31
The only one’s I’d ever been on were in the lab’s and I hated those.
SOS: Oh, woe is you? How dare they give small beds? How terrible your life is???
BB: Or how terrible it is they had a -Gasp- LUMPY MATRESS!
WANGSTMUFFIN: 32
Remy pulled me into his arms and stretched next to me, just like Mike used to. I smiled and buried my head in his neck.
SOS: Is it just me or does Mike sound like two separate characters? There's the good version that loved the Stu, who pops up when we need sappy romantic moments. And then there's the bad version that used him, that pops up when we need wangst.
BB: Not just you. There's Mike, The Ever Loving and Perfect, and Mike, The User and Abuser.
YOU WHORE: 81
CONSISTEWHAT?: 9
I was still sure that Remy was going to wake me up and use me,
SOS: If he wants to bone you, he would have done it already. Stop reassuring yourself, it's just pathetic.
Ket: ...you know what? I need more vodka for this. Hold on.
BB: Good idea. I need the next Nightmare movie.
Ket: There we go. Now I won't care!
YOU WHORE: 82
but for now, the much missed security being held offered, lulled me to a swift sleep.
SOS: I know I always sleep well next to someone who I think is going to wake up and rape me!
Ket: I have a better way to send you to swift sleep *waves knife around*.
BB: -Pulls on Freddy's glove- Let me give you a hand.
TRAUMA LLAMA: 46
An: I'm pretty sure this will be a Logan/Remy/Harry (Angelous) threesome, but it will not be happening for a while.
BB: LIES.
SOS: Ahahahahahaha...oh wait, you're serious. Are we meant to just ignore how many times the Stu has thrown himself at Gambit and Wolverine's dicks?
BB: I think we are.
SOS: Well, that's the end of this chapter. Next chapter is another one that's more boring than bad. So...see you next time!
FINAL COUNTS:
CANON: UR DOIN' IT RONG: 91+8 = 99
TRAUMA LLAMA: 148+46 = 194
CONSISTEWHAT?: 51+9 = 60
WANGSTMUFFIN: 143+32 = 175
SOCIOPATHY: 71+2 = 73
CHARACTER BASHING: 55+6 = 61
YOU WHORE: 139+82 = 221
Go Forward to: Chapter 5, Part 1
Go Back to: Chapter 3, Part 2