Rebecca and the Sorcerer's Stone - Chapter 5, Part 2:
I watched Harry,
Mantra: Like Edward Cullen.
Nagare: It’s a match and Harry is the Boy who Fucking Lived. I doubt anyone is NOT watching him.
who hovered over the game watching when I saw a flash of gold sped by him.
Mantra: *Tilts head* Dude, I think the fanfic just inception-ed us. We’re watching the Sue watch Harry watch the Snitch which was seen by the Sue, which is seen by us…
Nagare: And what are her eyes made of that she can see a snitch from that distance? Isn’t the whole shtick of the snitch that it’s so small and fast that it could be right under your nose and you wouldn’t notice it? I mean, if a snitch was THAT easy to see, Wronsky Feints would never have worked!
He took off after it and narrowly ducked under a Bludger before his broom started acting odd, jerking around under him and doing reversals.
Mantra: And that is what you get for riding a dildo into battle.
Nagare: MANTRA! I told you to stop that already!
Mantra: Hey! It’s freaking convulsing and JERKING under him, right in between his legs. What the hell do you expect me to say to that?
Nagare: NOTHING, thank you.
"What's going on with Harry's broomstick?" Hagrid asked, spotting Harry as well.
Mantra: What, you mean Hagrid, who is Harry’s friend and spends the series looking out for him, wasn’t watching Harry? Oh, bull-fucking-shit. As if we’re going to believe that.
Nagare: Oh, absolutely nothing is wrong with it. It’s built to jerk around randomly mid-flight…WHAT THE HELL DO YOU FUCKING THINK?
Hermione was looking through binoculars' and gasped before yanking them away from her eyes
Mantra: (Hermione) *Horrified* And that is why you should never fly around whilst wearing robes.
Nagare: Yanking them away? What, did they bite her in the eye?
letting me look through them to see Snape mouthing some sort of curse.
Mantra: And…why would the Sue need to see this? How would she be able to help if she saw it? Remember, Suethor, your avatar just gave them an AMPLE demonstration of exactly how useful she was in battle one chapter ago. I doubt they’re going to rely on HER for help now.
Nagare: Hey, wait. Wasn’t she the one who was ranting on about how Snape was secretly a snugly bear on the inside at the start of this chapter? So, why would she assume that Snape was muttering a curse here? Hermione suspected so because Snape had been a bastard to her and was just generally unlikeable, but the Sue seemed to want nothing more than to be his best friend forever and was given preferential treatment. It makes no sense for her to assume that.
Mantra: To be honest, I almost expected this to be a chance for the Sue to point out that Quirrel was muttering a curse too and show off how much smarter she was than Hermione…but I suppose such things are beyond this Suethor as they actually require originality.
"It's Snape! He's jinxing the broom!" Hermione exclaimed beside me as I yanked the binoculars from my eyes.
Mantra: *Sighs* Variety, Suethor, it’s a good thing.
Nagare: And yanked her eyes out with them.
"Jinxing the broom? What do we do?" Ron exclaimed.
Mantra: CALL THE GHOSTBUSTERS! *Hums theme song*
"Leave it to me!" I said quickly,
Mantra: *Irritated now* Superman you are not, Sue.
Nagare: Huh…you know, for all this Sue wants to bash Hermione, she actually ends up making Hermione a better character just by existing. Even now, she’s taking on responsibility for a blunder on the part of Hermione. *Shakes head* She tries so hard to be useful and just ends up making herself look even more of an idiot. If this wasn’t so infuriating, I’d almost feel sorry for her.
giving Ron the binoculars before pushing through the crowd.
Nagare: Uh…those binoculars are HERMIONE’S, you know. Just because Hermione gave them to Ron in canon, doesn’t mean you can do that same thing here. Seriously, do you hate her that much that you don’t even want to return her personal belonging to her directly after using it?
Mantra: Or, you know, the Suethor is just suffering from the Copy-Paste Syndrome. You know, the more you do that, the more obvious it is just how out-of-place your self-insert is and how much she doesn’t belong.
Once I reached the stairs into the walkway beneath the stands, I started running as fast as I could,
Mantra: Achieving a top speed of 3 centimetres per hour, because that’s the average of how fast she moves in danger, as witness in the last chapter.
even morphing my legs longer so that I could run faster.
Nagare: *Face palm* Yeah, great job blending in there. Surely, no one will know you’re a metamorphmagus.
Mantra: That’s…really not how running works. Just because your legs are faster, doesn’t mean your brain can deal with the difference. Unless you’ve been training from birth to function in all sorts of body types, your brain won’t know how to handle the sudden change in the length of your limbs. And you SAID in the first chapter that you’ve been ordered to retain your current shape constantly during childhood. IT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK LIKE THAT, SUE!
When I finally reached the correct tower I took the stairs two at a time
Nagare: So…does anyone notice that a girl with three metre long legs just ran past?
Mantra: *Scoffs* Oh, this is a SUE fic! Why would you think ANYTHING would happen that would inconvenience the Sue?
until I found myself beneath the seats, eyes the black robes I knew to be Snape's.
Mantra: (Sue) One day, I’m gonna get in there…
Nagare: *Draws back, horrified*
Mantra: Hey, look at that! She’s beneath Snape’s seat, eyeing his crotch! How obvious can she get?
Nagare: Yes, I know. That’s why I don’t need my face rubbed in it.
I snuck forward, taking out my wand and pointing it at Snape robes before saying
Mantra: (Sue) Habere sexus cum me! *Normal voice* And please do excuse my awful Google-translated Latin. It’s been millennia since I last heard the language.
Nagare: Oh great. *Buries face in hands* Now she’s pointing her fucking wand at his crotch. Could this get ANY worse?
; "Lacarnum Inflamarae,"
Flames shot from my wand and caught on Snape's robes, creating a smile fire, causing me to smile.
Nagare: *Stony faced* Apparently, it could.
Mantra: Hey! Who doesn’t love a good pyromaniac? …The keyword being ‘good’, of course.
Nagare: The Sue being there sets Snape’s crotch on fire, huh? The ONE time you decide to use some genuinely subtle symbolism, you give us THIS. Just GREAT.
Mantra: And she’s ruined yet another brilliant red herring here, too. There’s absolutely no mention of the Sue accidentally knocking over Quirrel, therefore, in her universe, Snape really WAS cursing Harry’s broomstick. Fantastic. Now the end of the fic is DEFINITELY going to be an asspull. How delightful.
Instantly I ran back down the tower,
Mantra: Apparently having gained teleportation powers whilst between Snape’s legs.
morphing my legs back to their proper size
Nagare: Wait, she DIDN’T change her legs back when she was squatting under Snape’s seat? How the hell did she manage to fit three metres of flesh and bone in there? Hermione could only barely fit in there! It wasn’t a very spacious place!
Mantra: Huh…so, one of her extremities grew whilst she was running towards Snape, and now that she has set his crotch on fire and satisfied herself, it’s returning back to normal size? …Maybe we’re wrong. This Suethor clearly is capable of some amazing symbolism.
Nagare: If, in your world, amazing was a direct synonym of ‘disgusting’, then I completely agree.
until I came to a stop at the bottom,
Mantra: *Smirks* See? I KNEW she was a bottom!
taking in the sight on the field.
Mantra: It was filled with ROUSes, all clambering for her blood.
Nagare: I fail to see why you would bring in something like that, when a brain-dead sloth can kill her.
Before me, Harry was flying on his broom while standing on it,
Mantra: And that image in prose form is just SILLY. *Chuckles*
Not to mention, by not describing the dangerous situation Harry was in, what with hanging off his broom with one arm, she just gave off the impression that Harry was dealing with the convulsions fine. Which makes her supposedly heroic moment all the more pathetic.
his hand outstretched toward the Snitch. After a moment Harry was thrown forward and off his broom, rolling forward until he came back up on his feet.
Mantra: See? This is why you can’t copy-paste the movie script. Because you DON’T FUCKING DESCRIBE ENOUGH. Because you didn’t mention that he was flying fairly close to the ground, now all I can imagine is Harry falling 200 metres off of his broom and being perfectly fine.
Nagare: Was this supposed to be a tense moment? Because, mostly, I’m just glad this scene is finally about to be over. I have far more entertaining things to do than sit around and read this. I could be watching paint dry, for one.
He starting gagging, looking as if he was going to be sick when something golden flew out of his mouth and into his hand.
Mantra: …I’m not sure whether to be glad or not that the ‘something’ isn’t white…
Nagare: I am NOT going to discuss with you whether white or yellow is more disgusting in this case. I am NOT.
The Snitch!
Mantra: The Pen! The Wardrobe! The Muffin! See? I can write like that too. It takes a LOT more effort to capture the moment of wonder and disbelief and finally joy than just that, Suethor.
"He's got the Snitch!" the announcer yelled. "Harry Potter receives 150 points for catching the Snitch!"
Nagare: GODDAMMIT, END ALREADY! HOW LONG IS THIS FUCKING SCENE?
Mantra: No, no, no, the Suethor has to repeat back EVERYTHING we’ve seen in the movies to us. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. Because that’s what we all want to do! Sit around and read an awkward transcription of the movies with a random Sue stuck in!
"Gryffindor wins!" Madame Hooch yelled.
Nagare: *Flatly* Hooray. Now, can I leave?
The Voice: There’s two more section after this, and five more chapters, and five more fics. You ain’t leaving any time soon, lady.
Nagare: Great. Am I EVER going to get to kill the Sue? Gah!
Everyone started cheering and yelling happily as Harry raised the Snitch into the air as his teammates circled him.
Mantra: Yes, that’s just great. Everyone is happy…except for the most important people. Can you guess who they are? No, it’s not you, Suethor. It’s the FUCKING AUDIENCE. We don’t feel a fucking thing. You want to know why? BECAUSE YOU CAN’T FUCKING WRITE!
Nagare: *Glances over* You alright there?
Mantra: *Leans back and relaxes* Ah, it feels good to explode once in a while.
I smiled widely and clapped for him.
Mantra: Because displaying actual excitement and joy at a miraculous victory is for LOSERS. All Sues must remain unemotional at all times, because all Sues and Stus are sociopaths.
Nagare: FINALLY, this scene is over. How can ANYONE drag out a pretty exciting sports scene into something this…this painful and bland?
Mantra: Delusions, Master, and a ridiculous amount of ego-stroking.
"Nonsense! Why would Snape put a curse on Harry's broom?" Hagrid exclaimed as we walked with him through the grounds.
Mantra: I don’t know. Perhaps he is jealous? It IS a fantastic broom Harry has got, after all.
Nagare: The way that dialogue tag is phrased, it almost reads like Hagrid just said that randomly, without any prompting from the characters…
"Who knows? Why was he trying to get past that three-headed dog on Halloween?" Harry said sarcastically,
Mantra: When you actually need to TELL the readers that your characters are being sarcastic, you have officially failed sarcasm.
getting Hagrid to stop in surprise.
Nagare: That implies that Harry said that line for no reason OTHER than to surprise Hagrid, which is patently untrue as he is not only fishing for information, but also commenting on Hagrid’s trust of Snape.
Mantra: *Raises eyebrows* And the Sue…doesn’t say anything? Even though she’s declared Snape her personal darling sweetheart at the beginning of this chapter? As disgusting as that little soap-boxing routine was, you still have to keep it CONSISTENT!
"Who told you about Fluffy?"
Mantra: Its brother, Deathbringer the Adorable.
Nagare: It’s a fucking school. Did you REALLY expect that secret to remain secret? I mean, what do students do in school EXCEPT sneak into forbidden areas?
"Fluffy?" Ron and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes.
Mantra: OH NO, YOU FUCKING DID NOT. Look, Ron got away with that because we KNEW he was Hagrid’s friend and was loyal to Hagrid and shit. Plus, he’s almost KNOWN for his dry humour, anyways. But when you, you who have been nothing but demeaning to everyone you meet, do it? IT FUCKING PISSES ME THE HELL OFF. Because all it feels like is condescension and arrogance! AND YOU DO NOT FUCKING CONDESCEND TO FUCKING HAGRID! HE’S THE FUCKING BEASTMASTER!
Nagare: And really, I thought it a perfectly valid name. It even makes the enemy underestimate the dog, so that it can be even more effective.
Mantra: Not to mention, the thing was adorable when it was asleep, and it had a weakness for MUSIC of all things. It was DEFINITELY fluffy enough to be named Fluffy.
"That thing has a name?"
Mantra: And what the hell is so unusual about a pet dog that has a name?
Nagare: *Stiffens* Yes, that THING has a name. And that THING is someone’s beloved pet, and they obviously loved it and got on with it and gave it a very affectionate name. Like Mantra said, after everything you’ve done, there is no other way to read that sentence except with a tone of disgust and condescension. And that’s fine with me, because I am disgusted by and condescending to YOU.
"Well, of course, he's got a name! He's mine!
Mantra: *Laughs* Oh, I cannot WAIT until the Sue uses that line on Harry.
I brought him off an Irish feller I met down at the pub last year. Then I lent him to Dumbledore to guard the-
Mantra: Porn stash?
" Hagrid cut himself off.
Nagare: O_O Why?
Mantra: …Ow…
"Yes?" I encouraged.
Mantra: See? This is why you don’t give canon lines to your Sue. In canon, Harry ALWAYS had a vested interest in finding out what Fluffy was guarding, so it was perfectly nature for him to press for information here. It was all but a character point. But the Sue has never displayed this interest, so all she looks is NOSY.
Nagare: *Tilts head* She almost feels like Rita Skeeter, doesn’t she?
"I shouldn't have said that. No more questions! Don't ask anymore question!
Mantra: Three is the number you shall count to! The number you shall count to is three!
Nagare: *Snorts* Now I just want to see someone walk up to him and ask if he’s got the time.
That's top-secret that is," Hagrid told us.
Mantra: Ooh~ Does it come in a huge folder with ‘TOP SECRET’ stamped across it?
Nagare: You know, if it WAS top-secret, you probably wouldn’t want to tell them that it was top secret. Because that would be admitting that whatever was being guarded was important.
Mantra: Granted, it’s a character point of his, but now I almost want to see Hagrid directing the trio away from Fluffy by saying that it WAS guarding Dumbledore’s porn stash…
"But Hagrid, whatever Fluffy's guarding Snape's trying to steal it!" Harry tried to explain.
Mantra: (Hagrid) DAMMIT, I always knew that man was into midget porn.
Nagare: DAMMIT, MANTRA! Stop that right now! You really don’t need to be making this worse!
Mantra: Well, face it, if Hagrid had really said that, the trio would have never ventured near the third floor again in their lives.
"Codswallop! Professor Snape is a Hogwarts teacher!"
Mantra: And ALL Hogwarts teachers are utter pillars of morality!
Nagare: Seriously, when people like Lockhart get hired, you really can’t use a position at Hogwarts as absolute proof that you’ll never steal.
"Hogwarts teacher or not I know a spell when I see one!" I said.
Mantra: Curse, dear, not spell. Those are different things. *Snorts* Even when she’s copy-pasting from the movie script, she somehow manages to make her Sue look like an IDIOT.
Nagare: And really, YOU didn’t even arrive at the conclusion that Snape was muttering a curse. It was Hermione who did. You just put the plan into action afterwards. She was the one who identified the problem to begin with.
"I've read all about them, learned about, practiced them, watched my father do them, and you've got to keep eye contact. Snape wasn't blinking!" I said firmly.
Mantra: Yep, and she feels the need to remind us how she’s SOOOOOO much better than Hermione because ooh~ she was ~born~ in the Wizarding World and therefore automatically know more than her! Ooh~ Except it fails, because now it just looks like she’s bragging. She didn’t need to tack on that long list of exactly how familiar she is with curses, but she did anyways, just to show off.
Nagare: Not to mention, curses are always DARK FUCKING MAGIC, which is defined as PURE EVIL in this universe. Saying that she LEARNT ABOUT THEM, PRACTICED THEM, AND WATCHED HER FATHER PRACTICE THEM is probably not a good idea. All that says is that she’s from a Death Eater family, most probably.
Mantra: If this Sue decides to become Darker and Edgier, there shall be BLOOD.
"Exactly," Harry agreed.
"Now listen to me, all three of you," Hagrid said, bringing us all to a stop to look up at him.
Mantra: (Hagrid) Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away…
Nagare: What are you trying to say here? Because you just implied that Hagrid physically forced you to stop and look up at him, and I doubt that’s what you intended to convey.
Mantra: Like I said, Darker and Edgier = BURN THE SUE!!!
"You're meddling in things that ought not to be meddled in.
Mantra: *Ominously* There are things man was not meant to know…like periods.
Nagare: *Incredulous* Fluffy is guarding PERIODS?
Mantra: Okay, now you’ve squicked ME out. Let’s stop this before it gets ridiculous.
It's dangerous!
Mantra: *Melodramatically* I’m dangerous! *Strikes overtly angsty pose*
Nagare: …and now you’re just trying to pay me back for squicking you out.
What that dog is guarding is strictly between Professor Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel,"
Mantra: *Leans forward, eyes shining* Ooh, but that sentence makes my inner slash fangirl dance with joy!
Nagare: *Face palm* Even I notice it…
"Nicholas Flamel?" I asked in unison with Harry.
Nagare: (Sue) Because I have no purpose in this story, and yet must insinuate myself into scenes SOMEHOW, therefore I have to give myself redundant and inconsequential roles.
Mantra: (Sue): That, and take blame for the main characters and make myself look like an idiot.
"I shouldn't have said that. I should not have said that," Hagrid mumbled to himself as he walked off.
Mantra: Hopefully, right out of this fic. Hagrid is far too awesome to be sullied thus.
Nagare: *Shakes head hopelessly* And I thought Dumbledore was supposed to be a Chess Master? Why would he give such a duty to Hagrid of all people and tell him all the details involving it?
Mantra: Well, you could say he was trying to lure Voldemort there, what with the gaudy traps and gigantic fucking dog…but thinking that he would lead Voldemort to a school filled with children makes me a bit queasy.
"Nicholas Flamel. Who's Nicholas Flamel?" Harry asked us.
Ron and I looked over at Hermione who shook her head. "I don't know,"
Mantra: And for all your reading and being born in the Wizarding World, YOU don’t know who Nicholas Flamel is? Wouldn’t that be like a Muggle not knowing who Einstein was?
Nagare: Well, I suppose I must be grateful that she’s not deciding to completely eschew the mystery half way through the fic, right?
Mantra: Nah, we all know she’s just doing that so she wouldn’t have to expend any effort in writing this fic.
"Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas.
Ring the Hogwart bell.
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas.
Cast a Christmas spell,"
Mantra: *Grits teeth* I don’t fucking care if it was in the movie, Suethor, this fic is NOT going to become a song-fic. One more fucking song and you are fucking DEAD.
Nagare: Oh, how glad I am that this isn’t an audio book. Imagine hearing this Suethor SING.
Mantra: No, thank you.
Hermione and I past the ghosts as they sang happily, dragging our trunks behind us as we walked into the Great Hall and made our way over to where Harry and Ron were playing wizard's chess.
Mantra: Ah, yes, I remember that scene. It was quite amusing in the movie and showed us just how much magic pervaded into every corner of their culture…I can’t wait to see how this Suethor ruins it.
"Knight to E-5," Harry ordered as his piece moved to the spot.
After a moment of thought, Ron smiled. "Queen to E-5,"
Mantra: (Ron) *Steeples fingers* Just as planned…
The Voice: Oh god. Oh god, someone needs to write that crossover NOW.
Nagare: *Sighs and settles down in couch* Yep, it’s going to be every bit as boring as the Quidditch scene. How lovely.
His queen moved and just before she reached her new spot she pulled out her throne from under her and smashed it into Harry's knight. After that the queen kicked off the remains of the knight and sat down in her throne again.
Nagare: I reached forward and curled my fingers around the bottled mineral water that was right before me and beside the fruit bowl. I lift it and bring it to me and use my right thumb and index finger to twist the cap clock-wise to take it off. I bring the bottle to my lips and tilt it and drink the water within. I put the cap back on with my thumb and index finger, by twisting anti-clock-wise. I lean forward and put the bottle back down where I had taken it from on the table. See? I can narrate like this too.
Mantra: We just DON’T do it because it’s fucking BORING and POINTLESS.
"That's totally barbaric!" Hermione exclaimed.
"That's wizard's chess," I smiled at her.
Mantra: Oh yes, you would be one to love senseless violence and meaningless suffering, wouldn’t you? That worked when it was Ron because he was obviously very good at it and proud of his skills. And it was believable that he would gain a sense of achievement from playing chess. But you have been nothing but a spectator, so when YOU express and enjoyment of the game…well, it makes you sound like a fucking sociopath.
Nagare: But it’s not like that’s anything new, of course.
"I see you two've packed," Ron said eyeing our trunks.
Mantra: Ooh~ Just one letter. Just one letter’s difference will make that sentence AWESOME.
Nagare: What is WRONG with you that you notice these things?
Mantra: *Grins* Why, I’m not the only person here who noticed, am I?
Nagare: *Flustered* I only noticed because of you!
Mantra: Then I am glad to have brought you enlightenment.
"See you haven't," Hermione challenged.
Mantra: Challenged? What, are they going to pull out pistols and have a Mexican Standoff next? She was making an observation! Stop making her bitchy just to make your character look better, because no matter what happens, Rebecca will ALWAYS be the bigger bitch!
"Change of plans. My parents have decided to go to Romania to visit my brother Charlie. He's studying dragons there," Ron explained.
Mantra: (Ron): Dungeons and Dragons.
"Good. You can help Harry then," Hermione smiled beside me.
Mantra: (Hermione) *Sultry* Help Harry…if you know what I mean.
"He's going to look in the library for information on Nicholas Flamel,"
Mantra: *Points* See? This is why Hogwarts needs to get Google.
"We've looked a hundred times!" Ron exclaimed.
Nagare: Well, perhaps you should have stopped looking and started reading? That’s usually a good idea of what to do to get information in a library.
Hermione leaned forward onto the table and said; "Not in the Restricted Section,"
Mantra: *Laughs* Oh, I was RIGHT! Ron is TOTALLY going to be ‘helping’ Harry! Look, she even mentioned the Restricted Section! (Link NSFW)
Nagare: And why would the only information on Nicholas Flamel be in the Restricted Section? He didn’t foray into the Dark Arts! What he discovered was basically a new potions formula. Why shouldn’t students know about him? I guess you could say that Dumbledore might have moved all information about him into the restricted section to prevent people nosing around, except doing something like that will only attract more suspicion!
drawing surprised expression from all of us.
Mantra: And now she’s getting into speed sketching? What?
Nagare: And she drew ONE surprised expression from all three of them. Apparently, the canon characters have become so degraded, they don’t even have expressions of their own and must share with the Sue now.
"Happy Christmas," And with that she walked off.
Mantra: *Waves* Bye, Hermione. I’m so sorry you got dragged into this fic and I’m VERY happy indeed that you managed to get out so soon.
"I think you've had a bad influence on her," I murmured to them before following Hermione out of the hall.
Nagare: AND YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT. NONE. FUCK YOU.
Mantra: We tolerated that from Ron because it was mostly self-deprecating humour. Here? You’re just being a hypocritical, condescending BITCH. Oh yeah, go ahead and blame EVERYTHING on Harry and Ron! Go ahead and paint yourself as completely faultless! We all know who we’re going to be killing at the end of the day!
Nagare: Well, at least this chapter is over. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get a nap and see it that gets rid of the headache I’m having. *Stands up and walks off*
Mantra: *Follows* Oh, I know a far better way to cure headaches…
*They bicker as they exit*
Go Forward to: Chapter 6
Go Back to: Chapter 5, Part 1