Epic Series Re-Read, ch 37 of Breaking Dawn
In this chapter STUFF HAPPENS YOU GUIIZ, OMG! A LOT OF STUFF. Hee-hee. COME TO ME SNARK POWERZ AND GO!
Turns out, Nessie already has Jacob "on a leash" and despite the irony, this totally disturbs me because I am reminded that Nessie is SIX MONTHS OLD. Renesmee grabbed the end of [Jacob's] tail as we retreated; she held it like a leash, forcing him to stay with us. AH!!!!!! STOP SMEYER, IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
*Recovers*
Caius is speaking in ANGRY BIG VAMPIRE WORDZ to everyone because he is PIZZED that he came all this way and has NUFFIN TO KEEL, but Aro is eerily calm and shiz and this irritates me. EVEN THE WIVES!15 are noticeably calmer.
BellaVamp who is utterly hopeless until the very end, still does not trust the Volturi and just in case, she SUPER DOMEIFIZE HER SHIELD OF FAILS. She discovers that she can protect all the wolves just by shielding Sam, the alpha. Excuse me, but WTF HAPPENED TO JACOB'S PACK? >:[
Caius is listing out his EPIC LIST OF REASONS TO KEEL when Smeyer pokes at Mother Goosery. Caius rubs his hands together evilly and says, "THE WOLVES. THE BETTERZ TO KEEL US WIV, IT IS!" And... Yoda, I suppose.
Then we find out, GASP! THE WEREWOLVES AREN'T WEREWOLVES AT ALL. THEY'RE SHAPE-SHIFTAS! Aro explains to Caius and pretty much everyone else that the wolves transforming into . . . well, wolves was just EPIC chance, that they could've been anything: a hawk, a penguin, or a mop bucket.
Caius is still in KEEL! KEEL! KEEL! mode so he turns to Irina, who is a dirty little liar, liar, gonna-be-on-fire pants, to take his fury out upon. Irina tells Caius OFF and OMG it's awesomesauce and then she dies when Caius has her torn to shreds with a "horrible metallic screeching", by three pretentious ASS!VAMPS Volturi soldiers dressed in gray cloaks. Why don't the Cullens have cloaks? NOT OSTENTATIOUS ENUF? Ah okay.
I wonder if there are parents out there reading BD to their kids and saying, "This is what will happen when you lie. You will catch fire and die."
Anyway, everyone is shocked and appalled by Irina's sudden death, including myself, but Kate and Tanya nearly FLY OFF THE VAMP HANDLE, like, "OH HELL NAW BIZOTCH! YOU DID NOT JUST. . ." Caius is a cruel, cruel bastard, we know this.
Tanya is easily contained and yet, even as Garrett throws Kate to the ground and locks his arms around her, SHE STILL SHOCKS THE FUCK OUT OF HIM. KATE! :'( You like/love him, you can't! *flails for Garrett*
BUT LOOK BEHIND YOU! IS IT A BIRD? NO! A PLANE? NO, YOU HALF WIT! It's BERRA-no-more-sammich to use her SPESHUL MAGIK LUV SHEELD AND SAVE THE DAY. Garrett is shielded from Kate's attack until Kate becomes Kate again and stops electrocuting him and I'm relieved.
The EVAL VAMPS and EVEN THE WIVES! (I will never tire of that, lolllllll) along with the 40-something ANGRY!CONFUSED!SUSPICIOUS!witnesses (Smeyer has them go through three emotions AT THE SAME TIME! :D) are crouched and ready to make thier ATAX! But you can relax, cuz they don't.
Madonna's song "Die Another Day" is playing in my head as I try to focus. Nothing happens some more and Bella has a semi-interesting thought. DEMETRI. MUST. DIE. Damn, Bella, you're... *sighs* Normal people are here *holds hand at shoulder level*, rocks are here *lowers hand a few inches*, and YOU, MUH DEER, are here *smacks hand to the floor*. Ow!
Aro demands MORE WITNESSES and I forget that they're all in a KEELING FEELD and not a courthouse and Aro is the judge and Caius is the bailiff and this is Nessie's trial. "I CALL FOR A RETRIAL!" "BUT YOUR HONOR, HE'S KILLING OFF THE WITNESSES!" "BITCH, I'LL KICK OFF YOUR NIPPLES!" "ORDER! ORDER! ORDER!" Yeah, I thought they were in a field. My B.
Aro stops in front of Amun, the DICK OF BETRAYAL, and I hope that Aro butt rapes him (and he doesn't :[...). He doesn't really tell Aro anything, except that the Ness isn't an Immortal Child because she grows and learns and morenothingnobodycarestoread! And then leaves like the coward he is and I want to stab him with a brush made of VAMP FANGS. Note that there is no visible reaction from the Ness when Aro asks if she should be allowed to LIVE. NESSIE, WHERE YOU AT? *boost mobile beep*
Aro, who is quickly seeming more like his EVAL BAD SELF, gives a long ass speech how Nessie is a liability, a "vulnerability" to their VAMPIRE SECRECY because her future is unknown. Do you care? 'Cause it looks like there's thirty pages left, I doubt Smeyer wrote Nessie's future out. It took her fifty pages just to make Edward walk across a field.
Garrett combats Aro's speech with an equally long speech that basically states that the Volturi are there not to protect the safety of vampire secrecy but to protect their power BECAUSE NESSIE IS SCARY Y'ALL! His speech seems to hit home with just enough EVAL VAMPS who leave, so, GUESS WHAT YOU GUIIZ?! ARO IS OUT NUMBERED. WHAT NOWZ? Counsel!
Maybe Bella's just a dumb ass (Ha! Maybe?) for not even considering that they might actually be "cowards under their swagger". Anyway, she preps Ness to RUNNESSIE!RUN!, revealing her plan to Jacob and Edward. Nessie's all "But mommy I don't want to be raised by wolves!" THEN the saddest part of the entire series happens when Bella says goodbye to Jake and says, "I know, Jake. I love you, too. You'll always be my best man." I do not feel like writing it all out because I've cried over it like five gillion times because it's really fucking sad and ironic and Smeyer can burn forever and ever and ever. *SOBS*
But thank god, Edward makes me want to vomit too, nausea and grief is an awesome combo, and says, "Goodbye Jacob, my brother. . . my son." Wait, WHAT THE BLUE FUCK?! *tries not to imagine how that would be possible*
There are fangirls going wild everywhere. IS NESSIE EDWARD AND JACOB'S SISTER AND IF SO, JACOB CANNOT - HE JUST CANNOT - IMPRINT ON HIS/EDWARD'S SISTER BECAUSE THAT IS JUST SICK, SMEYER!
Everyone from the Cullen side are saying their last goodbyes and I-love-you's and I'm wondering if anyone made any last second shit-we're-gonna-die type confessions, especially the wolves. I can just see it. [thoughts] Quil: "Embry. Hey, Embry!" Embry: "Yeah, Quil?" Q: "Just in case one of us doesn't make it out of here . . . I wanted you to know that I'm the one who farted in your cereal this morning." *wolfish wheezing laughter ensues*
Yeah, but. . . yeah. The final pages of this chapter end with Bella telling everyone to get ready.
FOR FUCKING WHAT? OH NO, THE NOTHING IS COMING! THE NOTHING IS COMING! IT'S HERE!
DISCUSsion (sorry, I'm still stuck in CAPS!LOCK after this chapter):
1. Um . . . WTF HAPPENED TO PACK NUMBER TWO AND JACOB ALPHA?
2. Pick something else for the "shape shifters" to shape shift into. Be as creative as possible, it could be ANYTHING. Drabbles are allowed.
3. Who was reminded of Nessie's birth scene reading "a horrible metallic screeching" (Irina's death)? Side note: Great, now every time someone scrapes a fork on a plate I'm going to think of Nessie being born. Ick!
4. Your thoughts on Amun. He should totally have DIAF, yes?
5. "You'll always be my best man." DISCUSS!
6. Incest is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, right?
7. Was it good for you? *blushes*
Turns out, Nessie already has Jacob "on a leash" and despite the irony, this totally disturbs me because I am reminded that Nessie is SIX MONTHS OLD. Renesmee grabbed the end of [Jacob's] tail as we retreated; she held it like a leash, forcing him to stay with us. AH!!!!!! STOP SMEYER, IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
*Recovers*
Caius is speaking in ANGRY BIG VAMPIRE WORDZ to everyone because he is PIZZED that he came all this way and has NUFFIN TO KEEL, but Aro is eerily calm and shiz and this irritates me. EVEN THE WIVES!15 are noticeably calmer.
BellaVamp who is utterly hopeless until the very end, still does not trust the Volturi and just in case, she SUPER DOMEIFIZE HER SHIELD OF FAILS. She discovers that she can protect all the wolves just by shielding Sam, the alpha. Excuse me, but WTF HAPPENED TO JACOB'S PACK? >:[
Caius is listing out his EPIC LIST OF REASONS TO KEEL when Smeyer pokes at Mother Goosery. Caius rubs his hands together evilly and says, "THE WOLVES. THE BETTERZ TO KEEL US WIV, IT IS!" And... Yoda, I suppose.
Then we find out, GASP! THE WEREWOLVES AREN'T WEREWOLVES AT ALL. THEY'RE SHAPE-SHIFTAS! Aro explains to Caius and pretty much everyone else that the wolves transforming into . . . well, wolves was just EPIC chance, that they could've been anything: a hawk, a penguin, or a mop bucket.
Caius is still in KEEL! KEEL! KEEL! mode so he turns to Irina, who is a dirty little liar, liar, gonna-be-on-fire pants, to take his fury out upon. Irina tells Caius OFF and OMG it's awesomesauce and then she dies when Caius has her torn to shreds with a "horrible metallic screeching", by three pretentious ASS!VAMPS Volturi soldiers dressed in gray cloaks. Why don't the Cullens have cloaks? NOT OSTENTATIOUS ENUF? Ah okay.
I wonder if there are parents out there reading BD to their kids and saying, "This is what will happen when you lie. You will catch fire and die."
Anyway, everyone is shocked and appalled by Irina's sudden death, including myself, but Kate and Tanya nearly FLY OFF THE VAMP HANDLE, like, "OH HELL NAW BIZOTCH! YOU DID NOT JUST. . ." Caius is a cruel, cruel bastard, we know this.
Tanya is easily contained and yet, even as Garrett throws Kate to the ground and locks his arms around her, SHE STILL SHOCKS THE FUCK OUT OF HIM. KATE! :'( You like/love him, you can't! *flails for Garrett*
BUT LOOK BEHIND YOU! IS IT A BIRD? NO! A PLANE? NO, YOU HALF WIT! It's BERRA-no-more-sammich to use her SPESHUL MAGIK LUV SHEELD AND SAVE THE DAY. Garrett is shielded from Kate's attack until Kate becomes Kate again and stops electrocuting him and I'm relieved.
The EVAL VAMPS and EVEN THE WIVES! (I will never tire of that, lolllllll) along with the 40-something ANGRY!CONFUSED!SUSPICIOUS!witnesses (Smeyer has them go through three emotions AT THE SAME TIME! :D) are crouched and ready to make thier ATAX! But you can relax, cuz they don't.
Madonna's song "Die Another Day" is playing in my head as I try to focus. Nothing happens some more and Bella has a semi-interesting thought. DEMETRI. MUST. DIE. Damn, Bella, you're... *sighs* Normal people are here *holds hand at shoulder level*, rocks are here *lowers hand a few inches*, and YOU, MUH DEER, are here *smacks hand to the floor*. Ow!
Aro demands MORE WITNESSES and I forget that they're all in a KEELING FEELD and not a courthouse and Aro is the judge and Caius is the bailiff and this is Nessie's trial. "I CALL FOR A RETRIAL!" "BUT YOUR HONOR, HE'S KILLING OFF THE WITNESSES!" "BITCH, I'LL KICK OFF YOUR NIPPLES!" "ORDER! ORDER! ORDER!" Yeah, I thought they were in a field. My B.
Aro stops in front of Amun, the DICK OF BETRAYAL, and I hope that Aro butt rapes him (and he doesn't :[...). He doesn't really tell Aro anything, except that the Ness isn't an Immortal Child because she grows and learns and morenothingnobodycarestoread! And then leaves like the coward he is and I want to stab him with a brush made of VAMP FANGS. Note that there is no visible reaction from the Ness when Aro asks if she should be allowed to LIVE. NESSIE, WHERE YOU AT? *boost mobile beep*
Aro, who is quickly seeming more like his EVAL BAD SELF, gives a long ass speech how Nessie is a liability, a "vulnerability" to their VAMPIRE SECRECY because her future is unknown. Do you care? 'Cause it looks like there's thirty pages left, I doubt Smeyer wrote Nessie's future out. It took her fifty pages just to make Edward walk across a field.
Garrett combats Aro's speech with an equally long speech that basically states that the Volturi are there not to protect the safety of vampire secrecy but to protect their power BECAUSE NESSIE IS SCARY Y'ALL! His speech seems to hit home with just enough EVAL VAMPS who leave, so, GUESS WHAT YOU GUIIZ?! ARO IS OUT NUMBERED. WHAT NOWZ? Counsel!
Maybe Bella's just a dumb ass (Ha! Maybe?) for not even considering that they might actually be "cowards under their swagger". Anyway, she preps Ness to RUNNESSIE!RUN!, revealing her plan to Jacob and Edward. Nessie's all "But mommy I don't want to be raised by wolves!" THEN the saddest part of the entire series happens when Bella says goodbye to Jake and says, "I know, Jake. I love you, too. You'll always be my best man." I do not feel like writing it all out because I've cried over it like five gillion times because it's really fucking sad and ironic and Smeyer can burn forever and ever and ever. *SOBS*
But thank god, Edward makes me want to vomit too, nausea and grief is an awesome combo, and says, "Goodbye Jacob, my brother. . . my son." Wait, WHAT THE BLUE FUCK?! *tries not to imagine how that would be possible*
There are fangirls going wild everywhere. IS NESSIE EDWARD AND JACOB'S SISTER AND IF SO, JACOB CANNOT - HE JUST CANNOT - IMPRINT ON HIS/EDWARD'S SISTER BECAUSE THAT IS JUST SICK, SMEYER!
Everyone from the Cullen side are saying their last goodbyes and I-love-you's and I'm wondering if anyone made any last second shit-we're-gonna-die type confessions, especially the wolves. I can just see it. [thoughts] Quil: "Embry. Hey, Embry!" Embry: "Yeah, Quil?" Q: "Just in case one of us doesn't make it out of here . . . I wanted you to know that I'm the one who farted in your cereal this morning." *wolfish wheezing laughter ensues*
Yeah, but. . . yeah. The final pages of this chapter end with Bella telling everyone to get ready.
FOR FUCKING WHAT? OH NO, THE NOTHING IS COMING! THE NOTHING IS COMING! IT'S HERE!
DISCUSsion (sorry, I'm still stuck in CAPS!LOCK after this chapter):
1. Um . . . WTF HAPPENED TO PACK NUMBER TWO AND JACOB ALPHA?
2. Pick something else for the "shape shifters" to shape shift into. Be as creative as possible, it could be ANYTHING. Drabbles are allowed.
3. Who was reminded of Nessie's birth scene reading "a horrible metallic screeching" (Irina's death)? Side note: Great, now every time someone scrapes a fork on a plate I'm going to think of Nessie being born. Ick!
4. Your thoughts on Amun. He should totally have DIAF, yes?
5. "You'll always be my best man." DISCUSS!
6. Incest is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, right?
7. Was it good for you? *blushes*