[Fanfiction - The GazettE] Until Forever Uruha/Kai Oneshot
Title: Until Forever
Author: sorrowofanangel
Genre: Angst, romance, self-harm, 1st person narrative
Band: The GazettE
Pairing(s): Uruha x Kai/ Kai x Uruha
WARNINGS: Self-harm, child abandonment, boy/boy relationship
Rating: R
Synopsis: "A child should never have to lose a parent . . ."
Note: Okay, I've been feeling quite teary tonight (no idea why T.T) so I wrote this as a sort of comfort to myself. Since Uruha is a very reassuring figure to me :) but this isn't very long - it was very spur of the moment thing. There are some personal themes/ opinions about parenthood in this one.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept. The last time I’d eaten. The last time I’d talked to anyone.
All I could do was stare. Stare into the long crack splitting the white bedroom wall into two.
Is this even real? Is he really gone?
I looked down into my hands, and the small penknife shaking in between my red palms.
Alone in my room, I figured this was as best a place as ever to be. I felt safe.
I didn’t want to be with her. The one whose promises meet me with pretence. Whose honest conversations trick me into a sea of lies, of a false sense of security.
All I wanted was him. But I can’t have him.
He’s gone, he’s left. And the worst part is, I don’t think he’s going to come back for me. Ever.
I can hear voices downstairs. My mother’s is of course recognisable, but the other sounds angry, desperate.
I drag the penknife across my arm, and watch with fascination as the skin reddens, irritated, before blood spills to the surface. The strange thing, I suppose, is that I don’t really care, my arm too numb to even register the sting anymore; at least this way I can feel better about myself.
If he’s gone... if my own father is gone... my own flesh and blood... what on earth do I have to live for?
“Kai!”
My voice is called from the stairs - and it’s the first time I notice the sounds of heavy footsteps pattering against the steps.
I know who it is; the only one I love in this whole world, the only one who cares, who understands me.
After a long pattern of calls, and repeated opening of doors, he finally reaches the right one.
As soon as he pushes it open, I burst into tears,
“Kai...” I hear him call softly, expecting him to recoil; to shout at me, to scream at me for what I’ve done.
I barely know what I’m doing, and I’m shouting apologies at him before he even reaches me,
“Uruha!” I cry his name as he sits next to me on the bed, dipping with his weight, and he says nothing, just takes me into his arms and holds me tight,
“Oh God, I’m so sorry.” I let the penknife drop to the floor, and suddenly the red lines marking my arms aren’t so friendly anymore. I wonder what I’ve done, why did I do that? What’s wrong with me?
I must have said it out loud, because Uruha quietly shushes me and pulls me onto his lap, letting my head rest in the crook of his shoulder,
“It’s alright now, Kai, you’re safe.”
I sob against his skin, the backs of my sore arms resting against his chest, and I grip the front of his shirt with shaky hands,
“He doesn’t love me. Uru... he doesn’t... he doesn’t wa-“
I can’t even say it; just thinking of it clogs my throat with sobs and I only cry harder, Uruha’s skin soon damp under my cheek,
“I’m so sorry, Kai.” I hear Uruha murmur, and it feels nice when he kisses my shoulder gently, his palm tracing circles on my back, “But I’m here. I’m here for you, it’s okay now.”
“No, it’s not!” I moan, knowing that’s a lie too, only when Uruha says it, it means something. Uruha would never lie to me. I know that, I love him. I love everything about him, I need him here,
“Please don’t leave me.” I cry, adjusting myself on Uruha’s knees, trying to press myself tighter to him - my hands hurting too much to hold his shirt any longer, “Don’t go like he did Uru, please!”
I sob against him, and I feel him increase his hold around me, though that does little to reassure me he’ll stay,
“I’ll always be here, Kai. You know that.” he sighs, and my breath catches in my throat as he presses his lips to my forehead gently, smoothing back the dark strands of hair from my eyes, “I’m not going anywhere.”
His soft voice is calming, and although that comforts me greatly, I can’t help but think more about what’s happened.
My dad... he promised he’d stay too,
“Oh Uru.” I breathe, “He told me he didn’t love me anymore!! That... That he couldn’t do this. That I... I -“
Uruha rubbed my back as I sobbed again, “I know, Kai, I know...”
“He hates me!” I scream; emotional agony so unbearable inside I don’t know what to do with myself.
A child should never have to do this; should never have to be put through such a state,
“Shhh, Kai.” Uruha soothes, “Don’t say that. He doesn’t hate you.”
“Then why has he left?” I wail, letting go completely, letting my arms fall either side of me, a harsh sting sweeping towards my elbow, “Parents don’t do that to their children Uruha! They don’t! If he loved me, he would stay, he wouldn’t abandon me... not now... not here, n-not like this.”
I can’t help myself, my voice only gets louder, and it isn’t long before Uruha has to raise his own voice above mine, soothing words no longer serving their purpose at such a volume,
“Kai, listen to me, it’s going to be okay.” Uruha is rocking us back and forth now, and I can feel him pressing his lips along my cheeks, as though he’s trying to kiss my tears away, “It may not seem like it, baby, but it will be. I promise you, everything’s going to be alright.”
“I love him so much! Why did he... why did he have to go?!”
I’m getting a headache; the crying too hard and my eyes scrunched up too much. I know Uruha is doing his best, but I feel like it’s not enough. I don’t know what I want, everything’s such a mess.
I... I never wanted it to be like this,
“Shhh..” Uruha murmurs again, as more cries slip past my lips, and that becomes the only sound I hear from him then on.
I know there are no words; I know there is nothing he can say. All he can do is hold me; let me cry everything out.
He must have held me for hours, because when my eyes opened, I was underneath the duvet cover, the marks of my own blood spotted at the end of the quilt just as before.
I start to panic, realising I’m all alone, until I hear a lamp click on, and the light shows me Uruha’s gentle face lying in front of me, his arms still wrapped limply around my waist,
“It’s okay.” he whispers, before I can say anything, “You fell asleep, I’m still here.”
“Uru?” I rub my eyes and try to sit up, pausing to acknowledge the small bandages wrapped around my wrists.
And then reality hits, and I remember everything. Dad leaving, Mum shouting, me crying, the neighbours watching, one of them trying to hold me back as I try to stand in front of his car.
I can feel my lip start to tremble, and Uruha is already edging forward, pressing his body against mine, and I’m soon flat against the pillow again,
“What am I going to do?” I whisper; I don’t know what time it is, but judging by the purple marks under Uruha’s eyes I guessed it was early morning; and it touched me he’d been with me all night,
“Just try and focus on now, Kai. Don’t worry about anything else.” Uruha smiles gently at me, removing a hand from my waist to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear,
“But what’s going to happ -“
“Shhh.” Uruha presses a finger to my lips, and I feel my eyes water as I stare back, “Everything’s going to be okay, Kai. Just trust me.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, gripping his hand tight when he takes hold of mine,
“I’m going to look after you.” Uruha murmurs in the dim light, and I inch forward into his arms, suddenly afraid of the dark corners of my room,
“Did I scare you before?” I ask quietly, and raise my bandaged arms to help him understand what I was referring to,
“A little.” he admits, and I feel a little more relaxed that he’s telling the truth; however torn by how I’d upset him,
“I’m sorry.” my breath hitches, and I press my lips together, determined to not cry. To be strong and not cry, “I don’t know what happened. I just... I lost control. I never meant it to get so bad.”
“It’s alright, I understand why you did it.” Uruha kissed my hair, and I feel his hands wrapped around me resume to stroking my back in soft movements, "But you don't have to feel like that anymore, okay?"
I breathe out shakily, just wanting to lay here in his arms forever - not ready to face tomorrow yet. Not wanting to face anything,
“How long can you stay?” I whisper, and my eyes well at the thought of him going again, leaving me all alone, just like Dad did,
“All night.” Uruha replies, squeezing me tighter and as he pulls the cover over us again, I realise he’d changed - wearing only a pair of night trousers.
I look up at him, as the duvet settles around my shoulders, “All night? Until when?”
Uruha simply smiles, and wipes away a small tear oozing from my eye before answering,
“Until forever.”
My lips press against his.
*
A/N: Comments are appreciated - will update ongoing fics soon :)
Author: sorrowofanangel
Genre: Angst, romance, self-harm, 1st person narrative
Band: The GazettE
Pairing(s): Uruha x Kai/ Kai x Uruha
WARNINGS: Self-harm, child abandonment, boy/boy relationship
Rating: R
Synopsis: "A child should never have to lose a parent . . ."
Note: Okay, I've been feeling quite teary tonight (no idea why T.T) so I wrote this as a sort of comfort to myself. Since Uruha is a very reassuring figure to me :) but this isn't very long - it was very spur of the moment thing. There are some personal themes/ opinions about parenthood in this one.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept. The last time I’d eaten. The last time I’d talked to anyone.
All I could do was stare. Stare into the long crack splitting the white bedroom wall into two.
Is this even real? Is he really gone?
I looked down into my hands, and the small penknife shaking in between my red palms.
Alone in my room, I figured this was as best a place as ever to be. I felt safe.
I didn’t want to be with her. The one whose promises meet me with pretence. Whose honest conversations trick me into a sea of lies, of a false sense of security.
All I wanted was him. But I can’t have him.
He’s gone, he’s left. And the worst part is, I don’t think he’s going to come back for me. Ever.
I can hear voices downstairs. My mother’s is of course recognisable, but the other sounds angry, desperate.
I drag the penknife across my arm, and watch with fascination as the skin reddens, irritated, before blood spills to the surface. The strange thing, I suppose, is that I don’t really care, my arm too numb to even register the sting anymore; at least this way I can feel better about myself.
If he’s gone... if my own father is gone... my own flesh and blood... what on earth do I have to live for?
“Kai!”
My voice is called from the stairs - and it’s the first time I notice the sounds of heavy footsteps pattering against the steps.
I know who it is; the only one I love in this whole world, the only one who cares, who understands me.
After a long pattern of calls, and repeated opening of doors, he finally reaches the right one.
As soon as he pushes it open, I burst into tears,
“Kai...” I hear him call softly, expecting him to recoil; to shout at me, to scream at me for what I’ve done.
I barely know what I’m doing, and I’m shouting apologies at him before he even reaches me,
“Uruha!” I cry his name as he sits next to me on the bed, dipping with his weight, and he says nothing, just takes me into his arms and holds me tight,
“Oh God, I’m so sorry.” I let the penknife drop to the floor, and suddenly the red lines marking my arms aren’t so friendly anymore. I wonder what I’ve done, why did I do that? What’s wrong with me?
I must have said it out loud, because Uruha quietly shushes me and pulls me onto his lap, letting my head rest in the crook of his shoulder,
“It’s alright now, Kai, you’re safe.”
I sob against his skin, the backs of my sore arms resting against his chest, and I grip the front of his shirt with shaky hands,
“He doesn’t love me. Uru... he doesn’t... he doesn’t wa-“
I can’t even say it; just thinking of it clogs my throat with sobs and I only cry harder, Uruha’s skin soon damp under my cheek,
“I’m so sorry, Kai.” I hear Uruha murmur, and it feels nice when he kisses my shoulder gently, his palm tracing circles on my back, “But I’m here. I’m here for you, it’s okay now.”
“No, it’s not!” I moan, knowing that’s a lie too, only when Uruha says it, it means something. Uruha would never lie to me. I know that, I love him. I love everything about him, I need him here,
“Please don’t leave me.” I cry, adjusting myself on Uruha’s knees, trying to press myself tighter to him - my hands hurting too much to hold his shirt any longer, “Don’t go like he did Uru, please!”
I sob against him, and I feel him increase his hold around me, though that does little to reassure me he’ll stay,
“I’ll always be here, Kai. You know that.” he sighs, and my breath catches in my throat as he presses his lips to my forehead gently, smoothing back the dark strands of hair from my eyes, “I’m not going anywhere.”
His soft voice is calming, and although that comforts me greatly, I can’t help but think more about what’s happened.
My dad... he promised he’d stay too,
“Oh Uru.” I breathe, “He told me he didn’t love me anymore!! That... That he couldn’t do this. That I... I -“
Uruha rubbed my back as I sobbed again, “I know, Kai, I know...”
“He hates me!” I scream; emotional agony so unbearable inside I don’t know what to do with myself.
A child should never have to do this; should never have to be put through such a state,
“Shhh, Kai.” Uruha soothes, “Don’t say that. He doesn’t hate you.”
“Then why has he left?” I wail, letting go completely, letting my arms fall either side of me, a harsh sting sweeping towards my elbow, “Parents don’t do that to their children Uruha! They don’t! If he loved me, he would stay, he wouldn’t abandon me... not now... not here, n-not like this.”
I can’t help myself, my voice only gets louder, and it isn’t long before Uruha has to raise his own voice above mine, soothing words no longer serving their purpose at such a volume,
“Kai, listen to me, it’s going to be okay.” Uruha is rocking us back and forth now, and I can feel him pressing his lips along my cheeks, as though he’s trying to kiss my tears away, “It may not seem like it, baby, but it will be. I promise you, everything’s going to be alright.”
“I love him so much! Why did he... why did he have to go?!”
I’m getting a headache; the crying too hard and my eyes scrunched up too much. I know Uruha is doing his best, but I feel like it’s not enough. I don’t know what I want, everything’s such a mess.
I... I never wanted it to be like this,
“Shhh..” Uruha murmurs again, as more cries slip past my lips, and that becomes the only sound I hear from him then on.
I know there are no words; I know there is nothing he can say. All he can do is hold me; let me cry everything out.
He must have held me for hours, because when my eyes opened, I was underneath the duvet cover, the marks of my own blood spotted at the end of the quilt just as before.
I start to panic, realising I’m all alone, until I hear a lamp click on, and the light shows me Uruha’s gentle face lying in front of me, his arms still wrapped limply around my waist,
“It’s okay.” he whispers, before I can say anything, “You fell asleep, I’m still here.”
“Uru?” I rub my eyes and try to sit up, pausing to acknowledge the small bandages wrapped around my wrists.
And then reality hits, and I remember everything. Dad leaving, Mum shouting, me crying, the neighbours watching, one of them trying to hold me back as I try to stand in front of his car.
I can feel my lip start to tremble, and Uruha is already edging forward, pressing his body against mine, and I’m soon flat against the pillow again,
“What am I going to do?” I whisper; I don’t know what time it is, but judging by the purple marks under Uruha’s eyes I guessed it was early morning; and it touched me he’d been with me all night,
“Just try and focus on now, Kai. Don’t worry about anything else.” Uruha smiles gently at me, removing a hand from my waist to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear,
“But what’s going to happ -“
“Shhh.” Uruha presses a finger to my lips, and I feel my eyes water as I stare back, “Everything’s going to be okay, Kai. Just trust me.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, gripping his hand tight when he takes hold of mine,
“I’m going to look after you.” Uruha murmurs in the dim light, and I inch forward into his arms, suddenly afraid of the dark corners of my room,
“Did I scare you before?” I ask quietly, and raise my bandaged arms to help him understand what I was referring to,
“A little.” he admits, and I feel a little more relaxed that he’s telling the truth; however torn by how I’d upset him,
“I’m sorry.” my breath hitches, and I press my lips together, determined to not cry. To be strong and not cry, “I don’t know what happened. I just... I lost control. I never meant it to get so bad.”
“It’s alright, I understand why you did it.” Uruha kissed my hair, and I feel his hands wrapped around me resume to stroking my back in soft movements, "But you don't have to feel like that anymore, okay?"
I breathe out shakily, just wanting to lay here in his arms forever - not ready to face tomorrow yet. Not wanting to face anything,
“How long can you stay?” I whisper, and my eyes well at the thought of him going again, leaving me all alone, just like Dad did,
“All night.” Uruha replies, squeezing me tighter and as he pulls the cover over us again, I realise he’d changed - wearing only a pair of night trousers.
I look up at him, as the duvet settles around my shoulders, “All night? Until when?”
Uruha simply smiles, and wipes away a small tear oozing from my eye before answering,
“Until forever.”
My lips press against his.
*
A/N: Comments are appreciated - will update ongoing fics soon :)