LJ Idol Week 7, Topic: No True Scotsman
I was always told that I could do anything, if I set my mind to it. I was always told I could be anything I wanted to be, if only I had the gumption to follow through with it and reach for that brass ring.
I want to be a person without anxiety and depression.
They weren't lying, per se. They weren't trying to tell me a falsehood, as a child. They couldn't have guessed the genetic dragon lurking in my DNA, waiting for the moment to strike. They had no idea that I would spend so much energy, so much of my life, just trying to stay alive. They were being encouraging, uplifting, telling a child what we're supposed to tell all children. That they can be firefighter/astronaut/mermaids....if that's what they really want to be and are willing to work hard to get there.
I think I confused them, as much as they confused me. I was an odd child, prone to fits of worry and panic without warning or rationalization. I suffered from dark thoughts that no 5 year old should have. What was my Mother supposed to think when her child admitted to a sudden and overwhelming urge to stab herself in the stomach until she died?
The fallacy comes in the thought that childhood is supposed to be a happy, magical time. All children are supposed to grow up happy and as carefree as possible. Sure, there are growing pains, but those are only supposed to be stepping stones into a better life, one with more understanding and a deeper level of connection to one's fellow man.
This is not true for the depressed child.
There are no grand dreams of being anything when you suffer from depression as a child. Looking back now, I can see a sense of relief every evening, that we made it....one more day. And a sense of dread that we were going to have to face another day, when the morning comes.
In some ways, things have gotten better as an adult. There's a lot more understanding of the reasons *WHY* I feel the way I do. There's a ton more insight. And a dogged determination to succeed through each day, despite my own mind trying to find creative ways to kill me.
But being an adult with Anxiety and Major Depressive Disorder doesn't mean the fallacy is gone. It's just changed to fit the situation.
"If you'd just stop worrying....."
"I don't get why you're so depressed all the time....."
"It could be worse, yanno. At least you don't have cancer. Cheer up!"
I'm apparently supposed to be able to shuck my emotions as easily as changing my underwear. I should be happier. I should look at my blessings and be thankful. What do I really have to worry about after all?
Man....if they only had a clue.
I remember those people who told me that I could do anything I wanted, as a child. And I have to laugh because while they meant I could get any job I wanted, marry any man I loved, or have any life I dared grasp for....while they meant I could succeed at life.....
I have been succeeding at living.
I want to be a person without anxiety and depression.
They weren't lying, per se. They weren't trying to tell me a falsehood, as a child. They couldn't have guessed the genetic dragon lurking in my DNA, waiting for the moment to strike. They had no idea that I would spend so much energy, so much of my life, just trying to stay alive. They were being encouraging, uplifting, telling a child what we're supposed to tell all children. That they can be firefighter/astronaut/mermaids....if that's what they really want to be and are willing to work hard to get there.
I think I confused them, as much as they confused me. I was an odd child, prone to fits of worry and panic without warning or rationalization. I suffered from dark thoughts that no 5 year old should have. What was my Mother supposed to think when her child admitted to a sudden and overwhelming urge to stab herself in the stomach until she died?
The fallacy comes in the thought that childhood is supposed to be a happy, magical time. All children are supposed to grow up happy and as carefree as possible. Sure, there are growing pains, but those are only supposed to be stepping stones into a better life, one with more understanding and a deeper level of connection to one's fellow man.
This is not true for the depressed child.
There are no grand dreams of being anything when you suffer from depression as a child. Looking back now, I can see a sense of relief every evening, that we made it....one more day. And a sense of dread that we were going to have to face another day, when the morning comes.
In some ways, things have gotten better as an adult. There's a lot more understanding of the reasons *WHY* I feel the way I do. There's a ton more insight. And a dogged determination to succeed through each day, despite my own mind trying to find creative ways to kill me.
But being an adult with Anxiety and Major Depressive Disorder doesn't mean the fallacy is gone. It's just changed to fit the situation.
"If you'd just stop worrying....."
"I don't get why you're so depressed all the time....."
"It could be worse, yanno. At least you don't have cancer. Cheer up!"
I'm apparently supposed to be able to shuck my emotions as easily as changing my underwear. I should be happier. I should look at my blessings and be thankful. What do I really have to worry about after all?
Man....if they only had a clue.
I remember those people who told me that I could do anything I wanted, as a child. And I have to laugh because while they meant I could get any job I wanted, marry any man I loved, or have any life I dared grasp for....while they meant I could succeed at life.....
I have been succeeding at living.