Foggy Glass Pt. 1/?

[soojungtokki]

Title: Frosted Glass Pt. 1/?
Pairing(s): Main- Jongyu, side/one sided Onho, Broken Jongkyung, and Ninja! Taekey.
Genre- Angst, Romance,some smut
Rating- NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't not own the boys I only own the plot.
authors note: If you don't like onho at all then i suggest you skip this even though it is mainly Jongyu.

He sat there at his window, pane sprinkled with the gray gloomy rain that had been hovering the city all day long. It was a quarter past 2 in the afternoon and Jinki sighed at his watch before tilting his head down to look at the road below. It was about that time when the one thing that made his heart heavy walked past from his own home to work right by Jinki’s window; Kim Jonghyun.

There he went jogging with his hands over his head and bag swinging wildly from his shoulder clad in dark skinny jeans, tank, and trendy short jacket. Jinki felt his heart sink and his breath caught in his throat. “Forgot his umbrella again…” Jinki breathed out as he watched Jonghyun turn the corner nearly missing a puddle that had formed from the heavier rain of the early afternoon.

Having sat still his stare stuck on the last spot his eyes had seen the flick of Jonghyun’s boots disappear around that very corner he finally snapped out of his longing lifting from his spot by the window and walking into the living room. He stopped in his tracks noticing a lone picture frame on the side table by his modest couch. He could’ve swore he moved that picture a week ago but it was back in it original spot and the two smiling faces of  two boys slightly dirty and holding up a bright blue ribbon made Jinki’s heart crack right down the middle.

The picture was of himself and Jonghyun when they were in fourth grade after they had won the rice sack race during their schools sports day. Jinki remembered while picking up the frame the hours he and “Jjong” as he used to call him and still does in his head; had practiced for days to win the race because Jjong refused to lose to that gangly tall third grader Minho and his best friend Kibum. As he caressed the smooth metal of the frame with his thumb his mind flashed back to the very moment they won.

Thanks to Jinki they had tripped over the finish line but won none the less and Jjong dragged Jinki out of the sack, hugged him in glee while turning to Minho sticking his tongue out, and yelling, “Just because you’re tall frog boy doesn’t mean you can beat me and Jinx team work! MEHRONG!” He also remembered how Jjong practically shoved the blue ribbon in poor Minho’s face after the PE teacher handed it to them. Jinki chuckled at the memory in his head then immediately felt his heart stab with pain remembering that, that closeness was long gone between them.

Jinki and Jonghyun had been childhood friends from about five until their last year in high school. They had been very close until high school which is when everything changed and they both pulled away from each other; for two completely different reasons. Jonghyun, because he got a job to save money for college, a girlfriend, and joined an indie band. And Jinki, because he fell in love with his best friend.

When Jinki finally realized that his affection for his best friend had grown into something more like whenever he felt butterflies in his stomach when Jjong would touch him in any way be it by accident or just playing around with him because Jjong was a touchy kind of guy instead of just laughing or play hitting Jjong back, he knew  and the realization that maybe he was falling in love with Jjong sacred him to death. It scared him so much that he slowly started to push him away and it was surprisingly easy to do because Jjong was doing half the work himself and though it hurt Jinki he was just so confused and scared that he just tried to endure it. By the time they graduated high school they were barely on cordial terms. He even remembered the last conversation the two of them had that day almost perfectly.

They were outside of their high school right after the ceremony and Jinki was standing with his parents and grandparents who had come to congratulate him when he saw his “best friend” walk out with his own parents and his girl friend who went to another school by his side. Jjong had walked over to Jinki and grabbed him up into a hug leaving Jinki frozen in place, “Congrats Jinx we did it! Yah, I feel like it’s been forever since we have really talked. I don’t even know what college you got into. You did get into one right?” Jinki had stood there just watching all the usual vibrant expressions shift on Jjong’s face while he talked. “Hrmm? Oh yeah I got into college. I got into S University You?” Jjong’s face lit up and his gorgeous girlfriend at his side who to this day Jinki cannot remember her name and could care less … Se something or another leaned into Jjong’s arm with a strained polite smile on her face clearly bored and tired. “Oh? I got into the college I wanted of course. I didn’t take on two jobs in high school just to not make it in you know.” At that moment Jinki couldn’t stop himself from genuinely smiling because he was really happy that Jjong accomplished getting into that music college he always wanted into since middle school. “That’s great Jonghyun ssi…” He had stopped calling Jjong his nickname out loud since they started growing apart. “…I am really glad you made it. I uh… I guess I should be going now. Congrats.” Jinki gave a sheepish smile and slowly backed away from his old friend who looked suddenly sad that Jinki was leaving so quick when they had hardly spoken more than maybe five times that whole school year and those times had all been almost as short as this. Jjong felt like he should’ve said something else before Jinki left but before any words crossed his lips Jinki’s back was already getting further and further away along with his folks and his own girlfriend wanted to leave for dinner with Jjong’s parents who had already walked off to the family car.

Remembering that last somewhat disappointed expression Jjong had on the last time he had been within 5 feet of the guy in that whole year hurt Jinki but he knew that at the time it was the only option because if he talked any longer he would’ve wanted to get closer to Jjong again and that would’ve meant that soon Jinki would’ve wanted more and he would’ve not been able to hide his true feelings and then Jjong would’ve found out that Jinki was gay for him and if there was one thing Jinki knew would hurt more than having to keep away from Kim Jonghyun until he didn’t love him anymore it was having Jjong hate him or find him disgusting for loving him. That would kill Jinki. So he tried to move on and tried to forget but as fate would have it forgetting Kim Jonghyun would just not seem to come easy.

It was now almost two years since they both graduated high school and the first couple of months were the hardest for Jinki because even though they didn’t really talk anymore in high school they had still seen each other in passing from a far almost every day. To suddenly never see him at all was like having a part of himself ripped from him. He tried everything he could to forget and ease the pain then. He threw himself into his new school work and he even got a job to take up the rest of his free time. He didn’t need the job really, his parents had plenty of money but he desperately needed the distraction. His job was a tutor, hilariously for the guy Jjong had desperately wanted to beat in that rice sack race when they were kids, Minho.

Minho was a senior in High school at the time getting ready to take his college entrance exams and he needed the help of Jinki with math. Minho had grown into a devastatingly handsome athletic guy though Jinki noted he wasn’t as handsome as Jonghyun in his eyes and though Minho had a certain calm usually about him the guy was also fiery charismatic when you really got to know him. And boy did Jinki get to know him. Over the year he tutored Minho;  Minho fell for Jinki and though at first Jinki didn’t think of Minho in that way at all Minho’s charisma eventually seduced him and they started to date as soon as Minho passed the entrance exam for Jinki’s University.

At first it was great Jinki liked being with Minho. It was comfortable and they messed around a bit but never all the way. There was just something holding Jinki back from letting Minho have him completely. Minho told Jinki that because he loved him he would wait until he was ready and Jinki appreciated that about Minho so much but Jinki knew deep down inside it would never happen with them because no matter how much Jinki wanted to he just couldn’t love Minho as much as he loved Jonghyun in his heart. He knew it was stupid. He knew he was hurting Minho because even though Minho didn’t show it Jinki knew Minho knew that something was just not all right with them. Jinki didn’t want to give up though and Minho stayed hanging onto a bit of hope that it would change. But then three months ago that all came tumbling down when Kim Jonghyun moved into the building across the street from Jinki’s.

Seeing Kim Jonghyun’s smiling face just once after a year and a couple months was all it took for every single feeling of love that Jinki had tried to push out of him to come crashing back inside his heart and he immediately recoiled into himself. He had been on his way home from Minho’s dorm room where he, Minho, and Minho’s best friend Kibum had been studying together for the upcoming mid-terms. He turned the corner of his road and walked up crossing to the side his apartment was on when he saw Kim Jonghyun open the door to the building across the street and smile to the car that was parked in front of it. Jinki dropped his keys to the ground upon seeing the one smiling face that made his heart race faster than a jet breaking the sound barrier. He watched frozen as Jjong walked to the car that had opened it’s passenger door and low and behold Jjong’s girlfriend from high school came bouncing out in a tight jeans and a tight sweatshirt that hugged all of her perfect curves. Jinki felt like he was going to puke when Jjong wrapped his arms around the girl and kissed her quickly on the lips. Jinki bent down quickly to grab his key’s and shoved them in the door wanting to get into the building as fast as he could before Jjong noticed him across the street gaping at the couple.

Jinki ran up to his tiny apartment dropping his bookbag by the door and clumsily kicked off his high top sneakers and ran to the window to see if his Jonghyun was still outside with that girlfriend of his. He pulled back the curtain huffing with his strained breathing and looked out to the street where indeed Jjong, his girl friend, and some other guy who looked younger with red hair was standing in front of an open trunk of the car that was filled with boxes. He saw all of them each take a box in their arms and then make their way to the door of the building. Jinki felt his legs almost give out and held onto the sill of the window for support, “Shit.” He was trying hard to even out his breathing. “I think Kim Jonghyun just became my new neighbor what the hell am I going to do?”

It hadn’t been long until Jinki almost accidentally ran into Jjong from time to time and Jinki had to conjure up some intense ninja avoiding skills to keep Jjong from recognizing him. It took Jinki only two and a half weeks to get down Jjong’s usual schedule so he could avoid him better. During that time Jinki noticed that Jonghyun had gotten even more handsome with his new cool effortless style and burgundy brown hair color. He also noticed that though Jjong had changed a lot (for the better) on the outside he had pretty much stayed the same playful, hyper, and determined Kim Jonghyun who he grew up with and even fell in love with on the inside. Jinki knew that at any time this situation of being so close could become a catastrophe to Jinki’s resolve to keep his distance so he tried to distract himself again tried to forget the fact that guy he has loved for years was right across the street.

Jinki got a new job at a club. He figured the fast pacedness of the job and the not too long hours as he worked the first shift of the night would keep his mind occupied at night while his brain was occupied by school work by day. Minho didn’t much like Jinki working at the club but Jinki insisted that he had never done anything wild in his life and that he needed to get it out of his system. Minho’s best friend of course got Minho to come around since it was Kibum who helped Jinki get the Job in the first place. Kibum was friends with the owner’s son and worked there from time to time as a promoter for extra cash when he needed it. “Okay Jinki I guess I can be cool with it so far it seems to have actually brought up your mood so I can’t complain if it makes you happy.” Minho hugged his beloved boyfriend goodbye as Jinki left Minho’s dorm to go off to work. It had been his second week there already and he didn’t really love it like he was letting Minho and Kibum believe, he just liked that it gave him no room to think about Kim Jonghyun.

That night Jinki stayed later having some drinks with his co-workers once they were off the clock and when Jinki caught sight of the time finally it had gotten really really late and he knew he had to get home and to sleep because he had a paper to write the next day. Trouble was that Jinki had, had one too many drinks and was actually quite drunk making his way home. He was so drunk that he didn’t remember to make sure he didn’t run into Kim Jonghyun on the way home which much to his bad luck he did.

Jinki had turned the corner of the street one down from his own and was staggering past the family mart when he heard his name ring with a familiar tone, “Lee Jinki is that you?” He turned to the source of the sound stupidly in his drunkenness which if he has been sober he would’ve instantly recognized and ran away as fast as he could. There holding a black plastic bag full of what looked like a few bottles of who knows what was the one and only Kim Jonghyun. Jinki squinted suddenly a bit overwhelmed by the light of the street lamp above them and just stared at the guy saying nothing.  Jjong stepped forward towards Jinki who sobering up a bit at the situation he was finding himself in was clumsily backing away, “Lee Jinki that is you. Oh my god what are doing walking around this neighborhood at this time of night?” Jjong closed more of the gap practically invading all of Jinki’s personal space and Jinki was feeling like at any second he was going to melt into a puddle right there on the street. “Whoa Jinx are you drunk? You smell hella drunk. Hello?” Jjong waved his hand in front of Jinki’s still frozen face and when his palm nearly touched Jinki’s nose Jinki jumped back away from Jjong. “Maybe I am a bit drunk um I got to go nice seeing you Jjong goodnight.” Jinki fumbled a bit turning on his heel in the direction that he came knowing that he couldn’t go home now, not when it was in the same direction Jjong would be going because AHH THEY LIVED ON THE SAME STREET NOW… only Jjong didn’t know that and Jinki wanted to keep it that way for his own sanity and heart’s sake. “Yah! LEE JINKI WAIT A SECOND!” Jinki tried to speed up as he heard Jjong run after him and grab his arm which made Jinki’s heart sink like the goddamn titanic. “Hold on a moment. You just called me Jjong.” Jinki didn’t think it was possible but his heart sunk again and deeper, he hadn’t called Jjong, Jjong since 9th grade.

Jinki turned tilting his head and looking everywhere but at Jjong’s face, “Did I? I am sorry Jonghyun ssi  it must be because I am a bit drunk. I really should get home.” Jinki put his hand on top of Jjong’s and pushed it off his arm and as his hand collided with the skin of Jjong’s he felt the zap of contact jab right into his heart. Jinki was surprised the sudden hurt didn’t come across his face. Thank god his drunken state made him practically a stone expression wise at the moment. Jinki started to walk away again but Jjong was not giving up he hadn’t seen his old best friend in almost two years and he had called him his nickname that the guy trying to get away from him at all cost for some reason hasn’t called him in almost five years. “Jinki STOP! Let me take you home and maybe we can both have some of this beer I just bought and catch up huh? It has been forever plus it isn’t really a good idea to be walking home alone drunk.” Jjong grabbed the backpack off Jinki’s shoulder and grinned his toothy grin at his old friend who just stood there almost with a frightened look on his face which confused Jjong, “C’mon where are you living these days I’ll walk you home huh?” Jinki couldn’t take it anymore he felt like if Jjong touched him one more time he would explode he needed to get away from him and fast so he grabbed his bag back from Jjong’s possession and spat, “ I don’t need you to bring me home Kim Jonghyun I am just fine on my own if you remember I am older than you. Also there is nothing to catch up on because there is nothing between us we aren’t best friends anymore and we haven’t been for a very long time. Goodbye!” He tried to sound as harsh and uncaring as he possibly could but in the end he could hear that in his voice that he just sounded sad and unfortunately Jjong had picked up on that too.

“Jinx don’t be that way we used to be best friends and I still thought that we are even though we haven’t seen each other in so long. Why does it seem like you are trying everything in your power to get me to go away. You don’t hate me or anything right?” Jjong had walked back into Jinki’s personal space putting his hand on Jinki’s shoulder and looking into his eyes with a worried look and that just broke Jinki down. “I could never hate you Jjong but I think it is best if we just act like this reunion or whatever the hell this is never happened okay.” Jinki slung his backpack back on his shoulder and Jjong was about to say something to Jinki when Jinki’s phone when off and he quickly picked it up. “Hello?”

“Oh I’m sorry I stayed after work for a bit and hand a few drinks with some co-workers.”

“Yeah I am a little drunk. I am on my way home.”

“If you want me too… actually….” Jinki looked at Jjong who was still standing beside him and waiting for Jinki to finish his conversation which just happened to be Minho his boyfriend on the other line.

“That would be best. I am on my way now.” Jinki hung up and looked at Jjong who again was about to talk but Jinki quickly cut him off, “That was my friend I am going to his place for the night. Sorry Jonghyun I have to go.” With that Jinki quickly walked off leaving Jjong under the streetlight with his plastic bag of beer still in his hand to catch a cab to Minho’s. The next day after waking up with a bit of a hangover on the couch in Minho’s dorm Jinki quickly gathered his things and left for home checking his watch to see that he had an hour and a half to get home before Jjong left for classes for the day. Jinki sent a text message to Minho thanking him for letting him crash at his place last night even though it was hella awkward when Minho wanted to cuddle but all Jinki could think about was Kim Jonghyun, Kim Jonghyun, Kim Jong FUCKING hyun all night.

Jinki opened the door to his apartment quickly and then collapsed onto his bed shortly after and slept for another three hours before he woke up fully conscious of what all happened the night before. He looked at the clock and realized that Jjong had already left for the day and wouldn’t be back home for another three to four hours so Jinki got up took a shower, got dressed, packed his book bag and went off to the library to start his paper. Too bad not a word of that paper got written that day because there at the library again was Kim Jonghyun. Jinki nearly had a heart attack, “It’s like he is everywhere now. I can’t escape him!” He ran out of the library and went back home where he just sat looking at the wall trying to not have everything he had worked for to get to this point crumble. He flipped open his cell phone with an idea.

“Minho, I need to talk to you.”

“Okay… I am listening.”

“I think I need to move.”

“Move? Why? You live in that apartment for free because your parents own the building and because it’s the closest to school why would you want to move?”

Jinki paused for a minute knowing that it must’ve sounded ridiculous to Minho but he had to come up with a good lie as an excuse to move besides the fact that it wasn’t safe living across the street from the real person he was in love with instead of his boyfriend whom he was on the phone with now.

“I feel trapped here Minho y’know I need a change of scenery or something. You know I haven’t been myself lately and I think this is the best solution.”

Jinki heard rustling of papers on Minho’s side and then heard him clear his throat before that deep velvet voice of his rang again through the line shocking Jinki.

“Do you want to get a place together maybe? I have some money saved and … I think we can maybe move onto the next step of our relationship…”

Jinki felt the weight of guilt drop on his shoulders like two giant bags of bricks. He knew Minho wanted them to further their relationship and become more “stable” but Jinki just he couldn’t take his acting that far his heart just wouldn’t allow it. He stayed silent trying to figure out how to tell Minho that he just wasn’t ready for that yet but Minho beat him to it.

“It’s okay if you aren’t ready for that Jinki it was just a suggestion I can stay in the dorms longer… I just thought it might have been nice is all.”

Jinki held his chest trying not to cry, “I’m sorry Minho…I’m still not ready.”

“That’s okay you know I will wait. Jinki… I love you. Whatever decision you make I will help the best I can.”

Jinki knew he should’ve said those three all important words back but he just couldn’t lie to Minho so he just breathed out, “Thank you Minho. I have to go now I will call you later.” Then Jinki hung up feeling like the biggest asshole on the planet. He knew he should’ve broken things off with Minho as soon as Jjong moved in across the street but he just couldn’t break Minho’s heart like that because Minho was such a great guy. It was too bad that Jinki didn’t realize that by dragging it out he was just hurting Minho more by giving him false hope that one day Jinki would say “I love you” back.

All of that had lead us to that rainy day where Jinki had now made a habit of watching Jjong leave for the day. So far the search for a new apartment that was affordable and still near school was not going so well and it was becoming more and more depressing to long for Jjong every time he saw him and keep Minho at a distance. Finally putting down the picture frame back into it’s place Jinki rubbed at the back of his neck with a heavy sigh. He walked into his room grabbing his coat, bag, and umbrella. Running his fingers through his perfectly mussed hair he opened his front door to walk into the world.

“Hi Jinki.” There right outside his door slightly damp from the rain was Kim Jonghyun and he looked devoid of any emotion. Jinki dropped his umbrella that was in his hand and was ready to be opened once Jinki had walked out into the street. He was stunned and confused. Why was Kim Jonghyun on his door step and how the hell did he figure out where he lived? But before Jinki had any time to ask the guy any of these questions Jonghyun’s voice broke the heavy silence. “Are you going anywhere important I would like to have a chat.” Jinki took a moment to figure out how to answer that. If he lied and said he had to go somewhere important it’s not like it would deter Jjong now that he knew where he lived but something that didn’t make any sense to Jinki was why Jjong was there now when he was supposed to be at work and had saw him leave for just that not too long ago. He took a deep breath, “No I was just going to the library to do some studying. What exactly do you want to talk about?” Jjong pointed to the inside of Jinki’s building, “Can I come in?” Feeling the butterflies in his stomach growing in number he just nodded and let Jjong slide past him.

After they entered Jinki’s apartment Jinki stayed silent just watching Jjong scan his home and waited for him to talk first. Jjong walked into the living room looked around at the modest furniture and then turned his head to Jinki’s window that was facing the street. He walked over to it his face becoming hard touching the glass then leaned against the sill and turned to look at Jinki who was still wearing his coat and backpack by the doorway. “So how long have you known I lived across the street from you?” Jinki’s eyes blew suddenly trying to find something to focus his eyes on besides the object of his long one sided affection. “Jinki, I know you know I live across the street I’ve seen you watch me out your window.” Shit, shit, SHIT!, Jinki thought what the hell was he supposed to say “Oh you noticed that huh funny story bro let me tell you... blah blah blah. No!” Jinki felt like he body was gonna start shaking and his mouth still wasn’t opening to form words to answer Jjong’s question.

Jjong tapped on the glass of the window and sighed a heavy sigh before he started to make his way back to where Jinki still stood frozen. “Jinki, how long have you known?” Jjong was now very very much in Jinki’s bubble and his hard confused stare made Jinki just brake into a million pieces on the inside. “The entire time.” He whispered it and his backpack slid off his now slumped over shoulders. His head was down and he didn’t want to look up and see Jjong’s expression. There was some awkward silence and Jinki shuffled his feet a bit in his uneasiness. “Why didn’t you come and say hello this whole time why have you just been watching me from your window and avoiding me. Now that I think about it you have been avoiding me for years. Did I do something wrong? Does my being around make you that uncomfortable?” Jjong reach out his hand to touch Jinki shoulder and Jinki jumped back from the touch rushing past Jjong into the living room putting as much space between them as possible. “Jinki! Tell me please! I want to know why my childhood friend and I guess used to be best friend doesn’t even like being within a foot of me.” Jjong looked angry and upset and immediately Jinki regretted looking over to Jjong from where he stood by the window. Jinki was panicking he felt his overwhelming emotions piling up in his throat and he was so scared. Jinki knew he was trapped and as Jjong got closer and closer demanding an answer Jinki exploded into tears just as Jjong was right in front of him.

“I can’t stand it because I miss it so much. I have missed you every single day and I hate that. I hate that I think about you everyday and that I have been thinking about you since we were fourteen. I hate the way you made me feel so happy and alive. I hated that my stomach filled up with butterflies whenever that stupid smile of yours came across your face. I hated that I wanted to hug you tighter when you would hug me from time to time. I hated that when I heard you laugh it was like everything in my world was sparkling. I hated that when you sang I felt like I was suspended in time. But most of all Kim Jonghyun I hated that you made me fall in love with my best friend when he is a guy and I am a guy. Yes I hate that the most out of everything.” Jinki slid down the window his back against the lower wall and his head between his knees as he began to sob. Jonghyun stood there in shock. He felt his heart drop with each sentence that had came out of Jinki’s mouth. He didn’t really know what to say or what to do but Jinki yelled at him in strangled sobs before he could fully come back from the shock that not only was his childhood friend gay but he had been in love with him for years and hadn’t shown it for a second from what Jjong could remember. “Get out! I answered your question so GET OUT!” Jjong reach out his hand to put it on Jinki’s shoulder to try and calm him down but Jinki swatted it away. “Don’t touch me you’ll only make things worse just leave me alone. I never wanted you to know and I have been trying to get over you for the longest time so please let me keep trying to forget. I am trying to move out as soon as possible so PLEASE JJONG GET OUT!”Jjong swallowed hard and feeling like his soul had been sucked from his gut backed away from the sobbing mess that was Jinki and walked out the front door closing it calmly.

Jinki stayed there on the floor crying and rocking himself back and forth for ten minutes. “Why did he have to move across the street from me I was finally starting to kind of move on I have Minho an amazing boyfriend who loves me but here I am still pinning for the one guy I will never have and yet I still love him.” Jinki’s sobs turned into shaking and then finally his body was just too tired and he fell to the floor in the fetal position. It started to rain harder again and it was all Jinki heard in the silence of his apartment in between a few sobs here and there that escaped from his sore throat. After a minute of silence his phone rang and Jinki dug it out of his pocket sniffing before he answered, “Hello?”

“What’s wrong you sound like you are sick? Are you sick?”, Minho’s warm voice rang in Jinki’s ear and it made him want to cry all over again. Here was his boyfriend who loved him probably as much as Jinki loved Jjong in his heart worrying about Jinki and Jinki still couldn’t forget Kim Jonghyun. Jinki hated himself but right now he needed Minho and even though he knew this was just going to end in a huge mess he was going to use Minho a little longer. “Minho, can I spend the next few days with you while I look for an apartment? I am starting to think maybe I will have more luck near you.” Minho asked Jinki if he was sick again and Jinki told him he must of caught a cold from being out in the rain earlier and Minho immediately said it would be completely fine with him if Jinki stayed with him for a few days and that he would go out and get some medicine for him before he got there. “Thanks Minho I will call you when I get to your dorms.” Minho said a goodbye and an I love you to Jinki and Jinki just said bye and then hung up.

Jinki pulled himself up off the floor and walked quickly into his bedroom not looking at his reflection in the mirror by the closet as he quickled grabbed his gym bag and filled it with some clothes and things he would need to stay three or four days at Minho’s. Jinki was even thinking of sleeping all night with Minho and maybe even finally letting him have sex with him. Jinki thought maybe just maybe if he did this that he could maybe really fall in love with Minho and fully get over Jjong no matter how farfetched it maybe he just had to do something and fast because now that Jjong knew he needed to get away from him and forget for good. After he zipped up his bag he went to the bathroom and threw some cold water on his face in hopes of cooling down the redness of his eyes. He walked over to the window to make sure Jjong wasn’t walking outside before he walked to the door picking up his backpack and throwing on his shoes and opened his door.

Jinki stopped in his doorway because there was a roadblock from letting him continue on. There sitting in front of his door was Jjong. He had not left he had only closed the door and sat down in front of it listening to Jinki continue to sob on the other side while trying to think clearly about everything he heard and all the memories he had, had with Jinki in the past. He shuffled through everything tried to find anything in the past the he could’ve picked up on as his best friend being in love with him. Perhaps because he never thought it could ever happen he never paid attention to Jinki that way but while Jjong sat outside Jinki’s door he realized that he had always cared about Jinki a lot since they were kids. Jinki had always got him, always got his jokes, never really argued with him or ever told him no, and it always seemed that whenever Jjong needed him Jinki was always there. Jjong had always chalked up their becoming distant and falling out as growing up and going in different directions but he never stopped thinking of Jinki affectionately as his closest friend. Even his girlfriend during high school never knew as much about him as Jinki did and even though Jjong always thought he loved Se Kyung he never felt like he could 100% relax and be himself. He always felt like he had to push himself to be what he thought Se Kyung would want out of him. He eventually found himself being with her for so long that he just got used to being with her and feeling that way. He didn’t know any better. He thought it was just what a guy his age was supposed to do. Get a hot girlfriend and date her, kiss her, do things for her, and he guessed that he had given her love but now he wasn’t so sure. He wasn’t so sure because the way Jinki looked at him… the emotions he felt coming from Jinki when he told him he loved him felt completely different than when Se Kyung said it to him. He felt his heart burst when he heard Jinki say that but he was so confused he didn’t know if it was because he was so shocked or if it was because he was touched. Jjong felt like the feeling he felt coming from Jinki was real over the mountains and straight into the sunset love and he never felt anything close to that come from Se Kyung. No the most he got from Se Kyung was when his heart raced when they had, had sex a few times but Jjong knew better than to call that love. Those times were just him being a sexually frustrated teenager and young adult trying to relieve it with his hot girl friend. It was lust not love and now that Jjong really realy thought about it maybe that had been what had been missing this whole time in their relationship and love had been what he had been waiting for this whole time, stupidly. Now Jonghyun got it. His relationship with his 4 year girl friend had been a loveless one and all the love that he had wanted to feel and receive with her had always been with his best friend. But hold on he thought to himself, “What am I supposed to do about Jinki I don’t know what to say or even how I feel about this.” All Jjong knew was that he felt like he needed to talk to Jinki again calmly and face to face.

“Jonghyun ssi I thought I told you to leave before you made things worse.” Jinki was now trying to step over the sitting Jonghyun. Jjong sprang up to his feet and grabbed the hand that Jinki had his duffle bag in. “Jinki wait don’t leave we need to talk. You can’t just tell me you have loved me for years and then tell me to get out of your life forever without letting me say one word to you about it. Look, Jinki I don’t know exactly what to say to you about that in particular at the moment but I do know I have always thought of you as my closest friend and you are the only one who has known me as long as you have besides my parents so please talk to me.” Jinki sighed knowing that Minho would be waiting for him but Jinki thought again to himself that maybe talking to Jjong letting it all out as it seemed he wasn’t completely disgusted with him and wanting to beat the hell out of him not that Jinki ever thought Jjong would want to hurt him if he knew Jinki was gay. But Jinki thought maybe this can bring me closure  if he himself tells me once and for all that he will never love me back maybe my heart will finally accept it and move on and maybe I can start loving Minho. “Okay but we have to make this kind of quick I have someone waiting for me.” Jjong looked confused for a second then realized from the duffle bag that Jinki seemed to be leaving for a trip or something, “Who? Your parents? Are you running away from me to your parents Jinki? Do you really have to go that far?” Jinki frowned wondering if he should tell Jjong the truth but he sucked it up thinking again it would help with the finally moving on, “No not my parents. I am going to spend a few days with my boyfriend until I find a new apartment.”

“Boyfriend!? You have a boyfriend? But I thought you have always been in love with me?” Jinki closed his eyes he knew how it sounded and he wanted to grab Jjong and tell him that Minho didn’t mean anything that he doesn’t even love him that Jjong has always and will always be the only one in his heart but he didn’t say that. He simply said, “I told you I have been trying to get over you. You know him remember Minho? He loves me.” Jinki felt the pain of verbally confessing out loud the reason why he was with Minho but Jjong didn’t need to know all the details Jinki would let those dig into himself. “Minho? Choi Minho? Is your boyfriend? For how long?” Jjong didn’t know why but he felt a pang of jealousy remembering the tall athletic good looking Choi Minho who had been his rival for everything in school from sports to women but now Jjong knew why he always won with the women but never with sports. So the second school prince of G high school Choi Minho was gay and had been dating his best friend and doing god knows what with him. Another pang of Jealousy and Jjong shook it off waiting for Jinki to answer him. “Yes that Choi Minho and we have been dating for about 5 almost 6 months now.” Jjong felt his heart sink and his face twitch watching Jinki’s face and mouth as he said each word. “That long huh and he treats you well? Do you love him too?” Jjong didn’t know why he asked that it wasn’t any of his business and he really didn’t know why he suddenly wanted to know so badly? Was it more jealousy? But why was he jealous if Jinki loved Minho as well as himself it wasn’t like he wanted Jinki to only love him now that he knew he had for so long that wasn’t right it wasn’t like Jjong could love Jinki back like Minho could right? As he watched Jinki fidget and not really answer right away he wondered more and more what the hell all these feelings and emotions were running though his head.

“I…” Lie Jinki Lie, “I guess so.” He guessed so? Jjong thought he didn’t even know what the hell that meant. Yeah he loved Minho too or he might but he isn’t too sure? Jjong found the whole Jinki loving Minho back to be making him just plain feel uneasy and decided to quickly change the subject. “Why did you not tell me you were in love with me all this time until now?” Jinki felt his heart start racing and his anxiety start to act up again. But he just kept repeating to himself that he needed to have it all said to move on. “ I was scared. I was scared you would hate me or find me disgusting. I… I couldn’t handle the idea of you finding me disgusting for loving you and the thought of you hating me for it hurt even worse.” Jjong made an O shape with his mouth and said, “But Jinki you were my best friend you had to of known that I wouldn’t hate you or find you disgusting. I would’ve gotten over the shock eventually… I think.” Jinki sighed and rung his fists in his lap as they now sat on both the sofa and in an armchair across from each other in Jinki’s living room. “I was just so so scared Jjong. I couldn’t risk it so I did the only thing I could because I knew you would never like me back. I walked away from our friendship slowly but surely and you became so busy with work and your girlfriend… I don’t remember her name but that doesn’t matter my point is that with you being so busy it allowed me to make it look like were naturally just growing apart with age.” Jjong turned his face upon hearing that he unconsciously helped Jinki runaway from their friendship with being busy and dating Se Kyung all those years, “I had no idea.” Jinki nodded softly and said even more softly in the saddest voice, “ I know.”

Jjong asked him more questions like when did he first fall in love with him and Jinki replied, “ The night when we were both fourteen and I was spending the night at your house and the lights were out and the window was open so that the star light was the only thing that lit your room. We sat next to each other on the floor in front of your bed facing the window and you started to sing that song about simple love. I think that’s when I realized I was in love with you. I know you probably don’t want to hear all this but while you were singing you had your eyes closed and I turned to look at you and your face in the moonlight was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life and as I watched your lips move while you sang well you know…” Jjong felt his heart sink and his stomach feel funny as he listened and watched Jinki describe the moment he had fallen in love with him. He knew it was already probably too much but Jjong wanted to hear it all every single word, “No, I don’t know. What?” Jjong watched as Jinki blushed remembering that moment and saw his expression become a mix of longing and pain, “I wanted to kiss you.” He said it so low that if there had been any other noise in the apartment besides the beating of Jjong’s own heart in his ears he wouldn’t of heard what Jinki said. “When we went to sleep that night both of us on your bed, you facing the wall and me turned facing your back I didn’t sleep that night. I was fighting myself to stop wanting to hold you. In the morning when you woke up happy and ready to go shopping for new music I knew I needed to let go of you as my best friend because I no longer only saw you as my best friend anymore. I wanted to be more than that but I knew you liked girls unlike me apparently.” Jjong was frozen in his seat the bits of memory he had from that last sleep over they had their last break before High school was nowhere near as vivid as Jinki’s. All Jjong could remember was playing Playstation for hours with Jinki until his mom and sister yelled at them to shut up and go to sleep but they were both to hyper from all the candy they ate to go to sleep so they sat and he sung until they were tired enough to sleep and then in the morning he dragged Jinki all over the mall after Se Kyung and her friend Yoona. He didn’t even remember once really looking at Jinki’s face the whole time. All Jjong knew was the he was there and that he had fun with his best friend. He felt like a blind idiot.

Jjong had always thought he knew everything about Jinki but now that he looks back on it he realizes he never really asked or dug deep enough. How great of a best friend was he if he couldn’t sense his best friend was gay and was slowly falling in love with him let alone then running away from him because of it. Jjong felt like shit. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize it.” Jinki sighed, “No it’s fine I liked that you were never one to pry much back then you just always kind of went with the flow. I did my best to hide it from you anyways. I didn’t want you to know.” Jjong breathed out a heavy breath, “ I still should’ve picked up on something, anything, not even the you loving me part just the running away from me part I should’ve known better. Don’t tell me any different Jinki I was too caught up in myself and my dreams to pay attention to you and for that I feel like shit.” Jinki frowned at hearing Jjong beat himself up about it. It was Jinki’s idea to distance himself. It was Jinki who fell in love with Jjong not Jjong with Jinki. “Don’t blame yourself I was the one who started everything not you Jjong you were just being you. So please don’t.” Jjong sat there letting his self inflicted wound fester for a few second before spitting out something he had no idea where it came from. “Did you ever wonder what if you told me and It turned out that maybe I liked you back?”

Jinki sat shocked in his seat at Jjong’s obvious out of left field hypothetical question he had no idea how to answer that either because he never thought for one second that , that scenario would ever happen, ever. “No, I never wondered because I knew it was impossible. I never allowed myself to dream.” Jjong looked straight into Jinki’s eyes with all seriousness, “Never once?” Jinki looked everywhere but into Jjong’s eyes, “Not once.” Jjong felt deflated. Jinki had not once ever imagined what it would’ve been like if Jjong ever loved him back. Was it really so far out of Jinki’s ability to even just allow himself to imagine just once. Was Jjong so solidly placed in Jinki’s mind as a always and forever impossible that he really never once day dreamed about maybe hearing him say “I love you too.” to him or for them to go on a simple date together just holding hands? Jjong didn’t want to believe it because it just made him feel sad. “You never imagined me even just holding your hand once?” Jinki’s eye’s flew open and his gaze snapped to Jjong’s , “What? Of course not! Allowing myself to even imagine it just once would’ve just made thing’s harder for me.” Jinki could feel his hand start to shake a little as he watched Jjong lean down a little looking intently at his jeans, “What if I said I didn’t mind? What if I allowed you to imagine it just once, would you?”

Jinki was starting to think that this was quickly turning into something that would not help him move on and already just being in the same room with him after such a long time, just hearing his voice that he loved so much after such a long time, and now hearing him say things like this… this was not helping Jinki move on. Jinki was trying hard not to allow himself to invision what holding Jjongs hand and just being together like that would be like but the image was starting to slowly manifest itself in his head and Jinki immediately started to cry. Jjong just sat there and watched as Jinki looked like he was thinking and then suddenly his vision looked distant for a few seconds and then tears welled up in Jinki’s eyes and slowly tear by lonely tear slid down those soft cheeks he has always had. The second he saw the tears fall from his face Jjong knew he was envisioning it because he felt the overwhelming love and sadness fill the space between them. Jjong then realized that every second that he had been in this apartment with Jinki he was feeling more and more feelings he didn’t know he had and he didn’t exactly know what they were but right then they told him to get up off the sofa and go to Jinki.

Jinki had his eyes closed and behind them he saw his soft kind of stubby hand laced with a slightly tanned more manly looking hand in between him and a jean clothed thigh that looked just like the ones Jjong was wearing now in his apartment. They were just laying there on top of what looked like a wooden park bench and Jinki imagined that the hand in his was warm and that Jjong’s thumb lovingly rubbed across the top skin of his hand and that’s when Jinki felt himself start to cry but he didn’t open his eyes or pull his mind away from his vision because it made him so so happy. Jinki didn’t hear Jjong get up but he did hear the door bell ring and he opened his eyes to see Jjong standing in front of him looking at him with and expression he had never seen before. The door bell rang again and Jinki watched Jjong’s eyes change back to their usual look and then he turned towards the front door. A second later Jinki’s phone started to buzz in his pocket and that woke him up out of his trance. Wiping his face he picked up the phone and walked towards the front door past Jjong who then followed Jinki. “Hello?” “Yeah I am coming I am sorry uh something came up I didn’t mean to worry you gimme a sec I’ll buzz you in.” It was Minho coming to find Jinki who was supposed to show up at his dorm 20 minutes ago but never showed up.

Jjong didn’t even think to think that it would be Minho at the door but there he was walking through Jinki’s door grabbing Jinki’s face and asking why his eyes were so red and puffy and then Jjong watched as Minho’s thumb swiped over Jinki’s cheek in a gentle way feeling the wet trail from his tears. “Jinki have you been crying what is going on? You call me up all of a sudden asking to stay over at my place for a few days which I have no problem with but you have never asked to do that before and you tell me you are sick. Then you don’t show up I have to come find you and when I do you are still at home and you have been crying? What is going on?” Minho never even noticed Jjong the entire time he had been in the apartment so far his entire attention was on Jinki and Jjong felt a twist in his stomach watching Minho comfort Jinki in the entrance. Jinki didn’t say anything but turned his head to look at Jjong standing in entry way to the hall who had obviously saw and heard everything. Minho turned his head to see what his boyfriend was looking at and his eyes met with the last thing he was expecting to be in his boyfriend’s living room, Kim Jonghyun. “Choi Minho, of all the guys in Seoul it had to been Choi Minho to be Jinki’s boyfriend.” Thought Jjong as Minho stared at him with those huge frog eyes Jjong had always teased him about as they were growing up. “Jinki, What is your old best friend Kim Jonghyun doing in your living room?” Jjong wanted to laugh at how Minho was talking like Jjong couldn’t hear him. “We were catching up. I moved in across the street not too long ago and I had just found out today that Jinki lived on this street too so I came over to chat right Jinki?” Minho seemed to buy it because Minho did know that Jinki and Jjong had been best friends for years and probably knew they hadn’t talked in a long time so this story seemed legit to anyone beside the two actually involved. Jjong could’ve told the truth but he thought Jinki wouldn’t have wanted that so he white lied. Jinki nodded to Minho who then asked why he was crying then. “Old memories got me all emotional. I should’ve called you I am sorry. Can you give me like five minutes to say goodbye to Jonghyun ssi and I’ll meet you downstairs okay?” Minho looked at Jjong and then back at Jinki before agreeing and then leaving to wait for Jinki outside Minho wasn’t much for going against Jinki’s wishes.

“Thanks for not saying anything…um I guess this is really goodbye then. I’m sorry you had to find out like this but hopefully this is the last you will ever see of me so just try and forget like me. I think our talk can really help me finally get over you and I am really going to try my best with Minho. Goodbye Jjong.” Jinki held the door open for Jjong but Jjong didn’t move to leave he put his hand over Jinki’d hand on the door knob and closed the door again. “No Jinki we aren’t done and… I don’t know why but I don’t want you to leave with him. I don’t think I want you to forget me.” Jjong was so so close all of a sudden and Jinki felt like all the air he had in his lungs suddenly disappeared, “Don’t tell me goodbye forever we just started talking again.” Jinki couldn’t understand why Jjong was making this harder for him. He needed to get away from Jjong now and into Minho’s arm if he was ever going to get over this gorgeous perfect man who was so close Jinki could smell the scent of rain still clinging to him from earlier. “Jjong stop! This is what is best for both of us. You will never love me like I love you and the only way for me to stop loving you is to never see you again and to move on.” Jinki tried to open the door again but Jjong took Jinki’s hand in his and laced their fingers together. “Stop saying that I could never love you and that it is impossible you don’t know that! Only I can know that Jinki. Please don’t tell me goodbye forever you are the best friend I ever had my entire life. I missed you.”

Jinki had been right his hand was warm and it was strong but the real thing was better that his little vision not too long ago sitting in the living room across from Jjong but Jinki knew that even though this was one of the things he thought he would never experience he knew it was all wrong because Jjong didn’t love him and he couldn’t understand why Jjong was holding on so much. “Jjong let go. Stop making things harder for me. This doesn’t make me happy it makes me sadder please just let go and forget. For me.” Jjong shook his head no, “Not until you at least promise to talk to me one more time just once more and then we can see if you really want to forget.” The five minutes had long past and they could hear Minho’s footsteps coming up the stairs through the slightly opened door. Jinki pulled his hand out of Jjong’s, “I’m sorry Jjong but once I leave with him I don’t really plan on coming back. This is the best for both of us. It felt nice getting everything off my chest though, for that thank you Jjong.” Jinki then opened the door wider as soon as Minho made it to the landing looking at Jinki walking out into the hallway Jjong standing still inside the door frame watching Jinki intently and looking sad. Jjong couldn’t say anything more with Minho there even though he wanted to he wouldn’t hurt Jinki like that so he allowed Jinki to close his own apartment door behind him and say another goodbye to which Minho added, “Goodbye hyung, it was nice to see you after such a long time.” Minho took Jinki’s duffle bag from him to carry and wrapped his arm around his shoulder as they walked away from Jjong down the stairs, “Still a fucking show off I see” he said it low but his voice was thick with jealousy. As Jjong opted to take the elevator down he let his thoughts and feelings consume him. He wasn’t completely sure about his feelings for Jinki but he knew he couldn’t let Jinki go like this and so he decided that he would look for Jinki the next day and would figure everything out once and for all with no interruptions he was going to find Jinki and bring him back to his place and talk it out completely.