Hold Me (with Your Heart)
ʚ Title: Hold Me (with Your Heart) for everyone ♡
ʚ Pairing(s): Kyungsoo/Xiumin, bff! Luhan/Xiumin
ʚ Rating: PG
ʚ Word Count: 4.7k words
ʚ Summary: It pains Kyungsoo to see Minseok in Luhan's embrace, though he knows it's partly his fault that he never accepts his boyfriend's attempts to hold his hand.
ʚ Message for your recipient/author note: I hope it fits to what you're anticipating for, dear recipient!
For 18 years of life, Kyungsoo has been maintaining himself under the underdog line. He’s never wanted to be associated with famous people; just being recognized by them is okay, but he doesn’t want anyone to link him to them and get into the spotlight even just for a second. He’s learned from his mother’s brother that fame, whether a good fame or a bad one, will turn bad eventually. Just look at how Kwon Kibum became overnight sensation not because of his fantastic soulful voice but his deal with drugs. No one remembers him as a talented singer, only a drug smuggler. As if the pure kindness he showed and gave to people around him all went to the drain after a single mistake.
Kyungsoo doesn’t defend him, though; he sincerely thinks his uncle is stupid to drop himself into a filthy mud and stay there. It’s just sad when he realizes that people treat someone from a million dollar man to a scumbag just because the stain on their clothes.
In a nutshell, he hates fame. That’s also why he likes to eat lunch under a large tree near their campus yard; the cafeteria is loud and the slightly damp grass under his butt feels quite comfortable. Sometimes he gets a companion, though, another average guy like him named Jongdae from Communication department. They met in the same church a few years ago and now they’re in the choir with Jongdae in Tenor and him in Baritone. They just hit it off and became close until now. He doesn’t join vocal club with the same reason as Kyungsoo’s; he’s already busy enough with the small flower shop his family owns in the biggest shopping mall in their district.
Kyungsoo’s academic record isn’t spectacular either and it’s not because he’s average, he’s just been keeping it that way. He’s still the 10 percent highest in his major but not too high, keeping his grades balanced between A for his favorite subjects and B or B+ for useless ones. College mates acknowledge him as a good and quiet fella but nothing special to remember. That might be sad when you hear it but Kyungsoo doesn’t mind, really. If anything, he feels content with his invisibility and he determines to keep it that way. So imagine his confusion when Kim Minseok, the captain of their university’s famous soccer club, suddenly appears before him and Jongdae at lunch time and looks down on them with his trademark smile.
“Hello, um-“
“Hyung, what are you doing here?” Jongdae cuts Minseok’s sentence and Kyungsoo looks appalled.
“You know him, Jongdae?” Kyungsoo asks with accusatory tone. Did his friend betray him? But a second later he thinks he’s just being stupid because not everybody’s average just because they want to be average.
“Well, he’s my older cousin but we rarely meet because Architecture’s schedule doesn’t really match with Communication’s,” Jongdae shrugs nonchalantly. “Back to Minseok hyung, yeah, what can I do for you, hyung?”
Minseok chews his lower lip for a second before answering his cousin’s question, “Um, okay, so,” he sits in front of them and eyes Kyungsoo, and then Jongdae. “Jongdae-yah, can I borrow Kyungsoo for a minute? Can you go to under that tree and continue your lunch there?”
The normal answer is probably no since he’s friends with Kyungsoo and the said friend is asked by his cousin but he’s a cousin first than a friend; Minseok looks serious so he complies and stands up, walking away to a tree that’s not within an earshot and watches them while continuing consuming his sandwich. It’s like popcorn only so much better because his mom’s food is always the best.
There’s silence between Kyungsoo and the familiar person in front of him. It’s as if the soccer team captain is contemplating on what he has to say so Kyungsoo only sighs loudly and the said person finally looks at him in the eye. “Minseok sshi, what is it you want to tell me?”
“Oh, you know my name?” It sounds in between a question and exclamation and Minseok’s face suddenly brightens; it’s hard to look away from such handsome and cute face. “So, Kyungsoo sshi… I’ve been thinking for a while and… would you go out with me?”
“Go out?” Kyungsoo gawks. “As in… being boyfriends?”
Kyungsoo sees the guy before him nod shyly. He knows this. He’s seen this in movies and dramas before, about some popular guy who bets with his friends to get a date with a certain nerd and then they’re boyfriends and when the nerd finally falls for the popular guy he’s suddenly dumped. Well, he’s not gonna play such pathetic role in his life so he comes up with “how much do you bet with your friends?”
Minseok’s scandalized look amuses Kyungsoo but then he answers, “Why would I make that kind of bet? No, Kyungsoo-yah-“ He already calls Kyungsoo’s name in casual way before he corrects himself with ‘sshi’. “I ask you to date me because I’m interested in you. There’s no bet, I swear. I’ve known you for a while but I really want to know you further and better. It’s okay if you don’t want to, I totally understand-“
“Okay.”
“I won’t be mad-eh, what?” It’s quite funny to see Minseok’s expression changes from forlorn to surprised, as if he hadn’t expected an answer other than no. “Are you serious? You’re not joking, right, Kyungsoo sshi?”
“Just a date first,” Kyungsoo sighs. When the older guy looks like’s about to say something, he beats him, “Look, Minseok sshi, I haven’t known you for more than fifteen minutes. Hell, I’m still calling you with honorifics. How much awkward can we be?”
Kyungsoo witnesses Minseok’s expression falls from excitement to disappointment and he doesn’t know why there’s guilt that suddenly occurs. Maybe that’s the perks of having good-looking face, Kyungsoo wonders; no one can stay mad at you. “But it won’t stay long if we have a date, right?” he says, and a second later regrets it because he doesn’t know what kind of advantage or damage will come along with that.
But then Minseok smiles softly to him, and he doesn’t regret it too much anymore.
*
As it turns out, his date with the popular senior is not bad at the least. Minseok waits for him in front of CGV because he’s been waiting for this film about penguins from Madagascar to release on the cinema, saying that his friends in the US have watched it and it’s just him who hasn’t since Korea is always late when it comes to box office. He pays for their tickets and even offers Kyungsoo to pay for his popcorn, but Kyungsoo rejects it kindly, telling the older guy that he can treat him later for lunch. Minseok beams and Kyungsoo just can’t help but smile back.
The younger of the two sees how Minseok respects his personal space and deems this date a friendly date and he’s glad with that. He watches Minseok’s hand that sometimes reaches his on the counter but halts his action. He told the older guy after he agreed having a date with him that he’s actually not a big fan of skinship, and thus no holding hands during date. Minseok easily complied, having no problem at all with that and even went as far as assuring Kyungsoo that he would make the later as comfortable as possible with him. Kyungsoo only nodded at that time and thought that the senior is genuinely kind, though he knows very few about him other than what he’s heard from other people.
He’s heard about Minseok before from gossiping girls in his class, about how quite the soccer captain is but has a smile that’s quite a sight to behold. The Kim Minseok with him right now is a bit too talkative at that moment to be considered quiet but Kyungsoo admits that not only his smile, his face in general is gorgeous. His eyes twinkle in excitement when he talks about one of superheroes in The Avengers and though Kyungsoo understands only half of it because he’s watched just a few of the series, he listens attentively.
“And then when Thor looked at Loki-“ Minseok suddenly halts, making Kyungsoo raise his eyebrows. “I bore you, don’t I?” he asks sheepishly, rubbing his nape and biting his lower lip out of habit; something he does whenever he’s nervous, Kyungsoo notes. “I’m sorry that I talk too much, Kyungsoo-yah-“
“It’s okay, Minseok hyung,” Kyungsoo eases the older’s uneasiness with a smile. From the start Minseok asked for his permission to call him casually and he promptly agreed, also calling Minseok with hyung. “Your story is… interesting. I’m not much of a talker so you can take my slot.”
Minseok is quiet at first before he laughs heartily, his series of teeth showing up. Eventually Kyungsoo joins the laughter before the older guy continues about an anecdote he found on the internet about Iron Man.
It feels good, really good to be with Minseok.
*
They go to a pizza restaurant that’s not really full for late lunch. They continue chatting enthusiastically and it strangely feels like Kyungsoo and Minseok have known each other for a long time. Minseok is an easy guy to be with, Kyungsoo realizes; conversation comes up naturally like it’s flowing, topics upon topics and without him knowing it’s already evening and they’re walking home together.
“Hyung,” Kyungsoo begins after a long but comfortable silence. “When and where did you first know me?”
Minseok chuckles before he shakes his head, “You really don’t remember me, do you?”
“Have we met before?”
“I used to go to the same church with Jongdae when I was younger, well, until I realized that I’m not really much of a believer and stopped going altogether,” he sighs before titling his head a bit to look at the sky. “You sat at the front row while I was always at the back. You greeted me once and I thought at that time, you were so cute. I forgot about you until a year ago when I was looking at Jongdae’s photo albums on his Facebook and found you. I admit, you’ve grown up to be a fine-looking guy.”
Kyungsoo tries so hard not to blush to the obvious adoration in the older guy’s sentence.
“Just that day, that day when I approached you, was the time I finally got the courage to talk to you,” Minseok grins. “I hope I haven’t given you any bad impression today. I just want you to know that today was fun, Kyungsoo-yah. I’m so glad that you wanted to spend the day with me.”
**
It almost feels like a dream to Minseok when Kyungsoo finally says yes to their relationship after the third date. Honestly he’s been dreaming what it feels like to have the cute guy as his, but who knows that his dream finally comes true?
“-but under two conditions,” continues Kyungsoo after Minseok shouts his happiness out loud on the street around the park in Kyungsoo’s neighborhood.
“What is it?”
“First… can we keep this to ourselves? It’s just,” Kyungsoo adds when Minseok’s about to ask him why. “You’re famous, hyung. I’m still not used to it.”
Minseok remembers when Kyungsoo walked a bit distantly from him on the second date and when he asked him about it, the younger guy said that he felt comfortable with people staring at him and Minseok. Later, he confessed that he didn’t like to be under the spotlight. That was also why he never entertained the thought of joining choir club.
That evening, on a quiet street, Minseok heard Kyungsoo sing for the first time. He promised he’d come to the church every time Kyungsoo sang with the choir.
“Can I tell this to Luhan?” asks Minseok cautiously. “He’s my best friend and roommate, I can barely keep any secret from him. Later he’ll find out because he’s sharp like that. It’s just best if he finds it out from my own lips, isn’t it?”
“Okay…” Kyungsoo looks in doubt but doesn’t say anything else about it. Minseok reaches his hands but he flinches. “And second, can we not touch each other?”
“Are you still uncomfortable with me?” asks Minseok while letting Kyungsoo’s hands slowly, trying to sound cool but he thinks he sucks at masking his disappointment when he sees panic in Kyungsoo’s face. “It’s okay, Kyungsoo-yah, as long as I make you comfortable with me.”
“Even I don’t do skinship much with Seungsoo,” he murmurs while biting his lip. “Is it okay, hyung? I can try to hold hands so I will be used to it.”
“It’s alright, I understand,” Minseok smiles. “But you still want to date me?”
Kyungsoo’s nod and smile are enough to make Minseok stay awake that night, hugging the life out of Luhan while screaming, “He said yes, Han! He’s mine now! Oh my god!”
**
There is something wrong with his boyfriend. Kyungsoo notices it when he meets Minseok in the eatery within their campus with his face decorated with a smile dimmer than usual. He doesn’t say it out loud, though, and he just continues trailing his stare to the older guy who’s ordering his usual lunch, conversing a bit with Jongin the cashier. He eventually breaks his gaze when he feels a sharp jab to his hip, courtesy to Chanyeol, his friend since primary school days who also goes to the same major with him. “What?” he hisses, clearly displeased.
“You’re gonna burn a hole to Minseok hyung’s back with your laser gaze,” Chanyeol shakes his head before going back to his cheese burger and cheesy fries. Apparently he decided that he got cheese-themed lunch for today.
He’s about to retort to his friend that ‘he is my boyfriend I’m allowed to stare at him as long as I want’ because Chanyeol is one of a few people who know about his relationship but Minseok already walks toward their table with a tray in his hands so he leaves it unsaid. Minseok’s lunch consists of baked potato with broccoli and a tall of orange juice. It’s too little, Kyungsoo thinks, with his boyfriend being a soccer captain and the upcoming match between universities in Seoul is just in a few weeks.
“Hyung, do you want to order more?” asks Kyungsoo. He sees the guy across him just play with his fork and stab his lunch lazily, as if he isn’t there to eat. “Minseok hyung?”
“Hmm?” Minseok finally looks up, eyes a little unfocused but the smile is back up to his lips albeit a weak one. “Sorry, Kyungsoo-yah, what was it?”
“He asked you if you wanted to order another dish for lunch,” Luhan, Minseok’s best friend who is sitting beside him, helps Kyungsoo with his words.
“Oh,” Minseok finally got it. “No, Kyungsoo-yah. I’m fine.”
The said boyfriend wants to say that it isn’t enough for him and he needs much more energy but he reconsiders it; it seems like Minseok isn’t in the mood today. He sees Minseok lean his head onto Luhan’s shoulder and eats his potato with minimum enthusiast, making his best friend threaten him to feed him like a baby with the airplane spoon and all if he won’t eat properly. Minseok finally eats with obnoxious chewing noise just to spite his friend, making Chanyeol laugh at their banter.
It’s hard for Kyungsoo to admit that he feels a bit jealous to Minseok and Luhan’s friendship.
He knows that half of it’s his own fault that he doesn’t allow Minseok to touch him especially in public, though they have been in relationship for four months. There’s tickling sensation every time his skin brushes with Minseok’s and it’s uncomfortable.
Minseok’s interaction with Luhan ghosts his mind even during classes and when he walks home together with his boyfriend. The older guy is talking about the last soccer match he watched with Luhan when he decides to drop the bomb, “Hyung, what is Luhan hyung to you?”
“Why do you ask?” Minseok’s confusion is palpable on his face.
“It’s just,” Kyungsoo pauses before he sighs deeply. “Hyung, I’m sorry.”
“Hey, hey, what is this about?” Minseok comes closer and holds both of his shoulders. His hands feel warm to his skin. “Is there something in your mind?”
“I think I haven’t been a good boyfriend to you,” Kyungsoo gnaws his lower lip unconsciously. “I mean, what kind of boyfriend that keeps their relationship as secret? And you cannot even hold me because I would feel uncomfortable. And here I am feeling a bit… jealous with Luhan just because he cares for you. Hyung, are you really okay with me?”
“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m okay with this,” Minseok caresses his cheeks a bit, not to the extent that it makes him comfortable. “I just want to keep you happy, Kyungsoo-yah.”
Something clogs Kyungsoo’s throat when he sees Minseok smile at him, an earnest one. What has he done for a kind boyfriend like him? Absolutely nothing.
“Hug?” asks Minseok while spreading his arms, waiting for Kyungsoo to come. The younger of the two draws in timidly before Minseok carefully closes his embrace. It’s warm, he thinks.
It’s totally okay.
*
Kyungsoo tries. He sneaks his hand into Minseok’s when the older accompanies him walking home. At first Minseok looks at him with total surprise on his face, but then he grips it tightly while smiling. His boyfriend even makes a move by kissing his forehead in front of his apartment complex before he bolts away, waving his hand excitedly like a toddler when they see cute giraffes in a zoo.
The reaction is unexpected; he breaks into cold sweat, his hands trembling and his focus lost. But it’s not really bad.
It still feels terrible when he retreats his hand out of Minseok’s loose grip just because it starts sweating and he just cannot stomach the sheer disappointment on Minseok’s face. But then his boyfriend will give him that smile, as if assuring him that he’s alright.
But Kyungsoo knows it’s not alright when he comes to the soccer field in their university area to watch Minseok practice, only to find the practice has ended and the said guy in his best friend’s embrace, his hair caressed softly as Luhan says to him, “It’s okay, it’s going to be alright soon.”
He’s tried, okay? He’s attempted to be a decent boyfriend for Minseok but maybe just trying is not enough. There are so many things he cannot do for Minseok and he cannot even read the older guy’s mind.
He cannot even bring his fingers to reply Minseok’s ‘Let’s go home together! Where are you? ^^’ message and goes home alone for the first time in weeks.
*
No matter how well he keeps away from his boyfriend, there’s no way he can avoid a certain Chinese moreover when he’s trapped in the aisle between two tall book shelves in the library, just a week after the incident in the soccer field. He anticipates the senior to blow up in front of him about how stupid he is to ignore one of the nicest guys left in South Korea, but he doesn’t expect Luhan to show up with sad eyes and equally sad smile, inviting him to sit down on the floor together with silent motion. Kyungsoo nods meekly and crouches down in front of Luhan, folding his legs while keeping his gaze to the other guy.
“I heard you got jealous of my skinship with Minseok,” says Luhan after a minute of silence. Kyungsoo can only nod.
No one says anything after that. Kyungsoo wonders what the older guy is trying to say. Is it wrong to feel jealous when your boyfriend is held by another guy? He knows that he hasn’t done anything for Minseok in return to all of his affections but he just can’t help his feelings. It also pains him to avoid Minseok and see his hunched back from afar but every time the scene replays in his mind, his heart squeezes painfully.
Kyungsoo sees Luhan fish out his wallet from his jeans’ back pocket and picks out a small sheet that looks like a polaroid photo. Luhan gestures him to look at the picture so he scoots closer and takes a look. It turns out a picture of some boys that looked like they were just done playing soccer and the older guy points at a chubby looking boy. “It’s Minseok when we were still at the fourth grade. Wasn’t he cute?”
Kyungsoo admits that younger Minseok was so cute with cheeks still full with baby fats and his lips unconsciously stretch to form a smile. He doesn’t really mind how Minseok is now; lean, strong biceps but face still adorable.
“He’d always been adored by his friends, cheeks pinched on daily basis because he was so cute, until in high school people called him fat,” Luhan tells Kyungsoo, his eyes still on the picture. “He wouldn’t eat with me if I asked him to accompany me to the usual tteokbokki ahjumma. He ran five kilos every day before school. He didn’t want to be touched anymore because he was afraid people could feel his fat from his skin.
It took me a long time to make him relent into my touches and anybody’s in general. I think it’s always in his subconscious that he needs people’s touches for reassurance that they don’t feel... disgusted with him. He feels insecure a lot, though he’s now quite famous and no one addresses him again as the Fat Minseok.”
Luhan puts the photo back into his wallet and turns his gaze to the quiet junior beside him, “He likes you, Kyungsoo-yah. A lot, if you cannot tell already.”
Kyungsoo’s not a crier to say the least but acknowledging that fact makes him want to run to his home because of his stupidity. He’s hurt the one who likes him and the said person still continues liking him. He has avoided Minseok when he needs his support the most.
What kind of horrible monster is he?
“He’s gone back to our apartment, you can come with me,” says Luhan while getting up and offering his hand to help Kyungsoo stand up.
“Thank you hyung but maybe tomorrow,” Kyungsoo shakes his head weakly. “Thank you… for telling me, Luhan hyung.”
“Minseok is like a brother to me,” Luhan tells him before walking away from Kyungsoo. “I just want him to be happy, that’s all.”
*
An old wisdom says that people in love have trouble in sleeping because the reality is more beautiful than the dream.
Kyungsoo is suffering in one not because of love. He’s feeling a terrible guilt and he doesn’t even have the gut to reply endless messages from Minseok.
He likes Minseok. He likes Minseok so much but he’s hurt the other guy instead.
In the middle of dwelling in his agony, his phone rings and it takes him a few seconds to accept the call after seeing a series of unknown number. “Hello?”
“Kyungsoo-yah, it’s Luhan.”
“Luhan hyung,” Kyungsoo breathes out, his stomach swirls uncomfortably. “What can I do for you?”
“It’s just,” he sighs softly before his continues with soft voice. “Can you come here to my apartment? I know it’s late already but…”
“Is it about Minseok hyung?” Kyungsoo grips his phone tightly out of anxiety. “What happened with him?”
“I’ll tell you later after you arrive.”
“Okay.” Kyungsoo grabs his hoodie and slips out of his home as quiet as possible, taking his bike to Minseok’s apartment that’s a few blocks away from his. He calls Luhan after he leaves his bike next to the security station and he breathes out in relief when he sees Luhan emerge from the basement elevator.
“He was still crying when I left him,” says Luhan in hasty tone when they’re walking on the corridor. “He never tells anyone but I know. He always keeps his sadness by himself.”
“What should I do?” asks Kyungsoo, half-whispers when he’s inside the apartment unit. He knows which door Minseok’s room is after a few times coming of visit.
“Just calm him down?” Luhan’s sentence ends up as a question; he’s not sure himself.
Kyungsoo makes his way to his boyfriend’s room and opens the door slowly. He can see a lump under the blanket and he caresses it, making a head come out of the sheet. “Kyungsoo…?” Minseok croaks softly. Kyungsoo can see his puffy eyes and chapped lips and it’d be a lie if he says his heart doesn’t break upon the older guy’s condition. He slowly sits on the edge of the bed and lies down after Minseok makes space for him. “Why are you here?”
“To apologize,” Kyungsoo turns to his side and places his hand onto Minseok’s wet cheek. “I’ve hurt you, hyung. I’ve been a terrible boyfriend, haven’t I? I ignored you when you needed me the most.”
They only look at each other’s eyes, drinking in each other’s facial features. Even with red nose and swollen eyes Minseok still looks handsome to Kyungsoo. He scoots closer and softly kisses his boyfriend’s forehead. It’s a big step for him, and he does it for Minseok. The other guy deserves his undivided affections.
“Kyungsoo-yah,” Minseok calls his name, but Kyungsoo just shakes his head.
“Let’s just sleep, okay?” he sneaks his arm around Minseok’s waist and pulls him closer. He wishes the older guy a good night and closes his eyes slowly.
It’s not so bad.
*
Although it’s still limited to when they’re alone, Kyungsoo’s trying to be a better lover for Minseok. He comes to every practice and waves to Minseok every time their eyes meet, albeit subtly. They hold hands when they walk home together.
Kyungsoo just wants the best for the best lover for the best guy he’s ever met.
The big match is finally coming and Kyungsoo can feel anxiety sitting at the bottom of his stomach. He only knows the basic rule of soccer after a few times watching Minseok play but from the talks he heard from his college mates, the opponent team is quite strong. He just hopes Minseok won’t get any injury after the match.
Both teams finally emerge to the field and he can see a certain player scan over the supporters. Kyungsoo, who comes to watch with Chanyeol and Jongdae, waves to him. Minseok waves back enthusiastically with a big smile plastered on his face.
The game is heated, to say the least. Both teams are equally strong but Minseok’s still more skilled than the midfielder from the opponent team to Kyungsoo, biasedly speaking.
Kyungsoo holds his breath unconsciously when Minseok is drabbling the ball while passing through the opponents, kicking to pass the ball to Luhan who’s already in front of the goal. His partner jumps and butts the ball to the goal. The crowd cheers when the ball goals in, securing their win to continue to the next match. Luhan’s lifted by the other players.
Kyungsoo arrives to the field when the team’s still celebrating their victory. Minseok finds him, a big smile still etched on his face and Kyungsoo has the sudden urge to hug the older guy so he does. Minseok catches him and tightens his embrace, still high in euphoria. Kyungsoo breaks the hug to look at Minseok’s twinkling eyes closely, before he dives in to kiss his boyfriend’s lips.
The younger of the two can feel Minseok’s body go stiff and he panics at one second, but then Minseok’s body relaxes in his embrace and deepens their kiss. He tilts his head to kiss him back, their eyes closed, and for a moment they forget that they’re in the middle of the crowd.
“You never told us you got a boyfriend already!” The striker in the team, Minho, shouts suddenly and they finally break the kiss. They look at their friends around them before turning to each other; the same grin seems permanently engraved onto their faces.
“I’m sorry, guys,” Minseok kisses Kyungsoo’s cheek affectionately, making the latter blush furiously. “But I’m not available anymore. This is Kyungsoo, first year, my boyfriend.”
[fin.]
ʚ Pairing(s): Kyungsoo/Xiumin, bff! Luhan/Xiumin
ʚ Rating: PG
ʚ Word Count: 4.7k words
ʚ Summary: It pains Kyungsoo to see Minseok in Luhan's embrace, though he knows it's partly his fault that he never accepts his boyfriend's attempts to hold his hand.
ʚ Message for your recipient/author note: I hope it fits to what you're anticipating for, dear recipient!
For 18 years of life, Kyungsoo has been maintaining himself under the underdog line. He’s never wanted to be associated with famous people; just being recognized by them is okay, but he doesn’t want anyone to link him to them and get into the spotlight even just for a second. He’s learned from his mother’s brother that fame, whether a good fame or a bad one, will turn bad eventually. Just look at how Kwon Kibum became overnight sensation not because of his fantastic soulful voice but his deal with drugs. No one remembers him as a talented singer, only a drug smuggler. As if the pure kindness he showed and gave to people around him all went to the drain after a single mistake.
Kyungsoo doesn’t defend him, though; he sincerely thinks his uncle is stupid to drop himself into a filthy mud and stay there. It’s just sad when he realizes that people treat someone from a million dollar man to a scumbag just because the stain on their clothes.
In a nutshell, he hates fame. That’s also why he likes to eat lunch under a large tree near their campus yard; the cafeteria is loud and the slightly damp grass under his butt feels quite comfortable. Sometimes he gets a companion, though, another average guy like him named Jongdae from Communication department. They met in the same church a few years ago and now they’re in the choir with Jongdae in Tenor and him in Baritone. They just hit it off and became close until now. He doesn’t join vocal club with the same reason as Kyungsoo’s; he’s already busy enough with the small flower shop his family owns in the biggest shopping mall in their district.
Kyungsoo’s academic record isn’t spectacular either and it’s not because he’s average, he’s just been keeping it that way. He’s still the 10 percent highest in his major but not too high, keeping his grades balanced between A for his favorite subjects and B or B+ for useless ones. College mates acknowledge him as a good and quiet fella but nothing special to remember. That might be sad when you hear it but Kyungsoo doesn’t mind, really. If anything, he feels content with his invisibility and he determines to keep it that way. So imagine his confusion when Kim Minseok, the captain of their university’s famous soccer club, suddenly appears before him and Jongdae at lunch time and looks down on them with his trademark smile.
“Hello, um-“
“Hyung, what are you doing here?” Jongdae cuts Minseok’s sentence and Kyungsoo looks appalled.
“You know him, Jongdae?” Kyungsoo asks with accusatory tone. Did his friend betray him? But a second later he thinks he’s just being stupid because not everybody’s average just because they want to be average.
“Well, he’s my older cousin but we rarely meet because Architecture’s schedule doesn’t really match with Communication’s,” Jongdae shrugs nonchalantly. “Back to Minseok hyung, yeah, what can I do for you, hyung?”
Minseok chews his lower lip for a second before answering his cousin’s question, “Um, okay, so,” he sits in front of them and eyes Kyungsoo, and then Jongdae. “Jongdae-yah, can I borrow Kyungsoo for a minute? Can you go to under that tree and continue your lunch there?”
The normal answer is probably no since he’s friends with Kyungsoo and the said friend is asked by his cousin but he’s a cousin first than a friend; Minseok looks serious so he complies and stands up, walking away to a tree that’s not within an earshot and watches them while continuing consuming his sandwich. It’s like popcorn only so much better because his mom’s food is always the best.
There’s silence between Kyungsoo and the familiar person in front of him. It’s as if the soccer team captain is contemplating on what he has to say so Kyungsoo only sighs loudly and the said person finally looks at him in the eye. “Minseok sshi, what is it you want to tell me?”
“Oh, you know my name?” It sounds in between a question and exclamation and Minseok’s face suddenly brightens; it’s hard to look away from such handsome and cute face. “So, Kyungsoo sshi… I’ve been thinking for a while and… would you go out with me?”
“Go out?” Kyungsoo gawks. “As in… being boyfriends?”
Kyungsoo sees the guy before him nod shyly. He knows this. He’s seen this in movies and dramas before, about some popular guy who bets with his friends to get a date with a certain nerd and then they’re boyfriends and when the nerd finally falls for the popular guy he’s suddenly dumped. Well, he’s not gonna play such pathetic role in his life so he comes up with “how much do you bet with your friends?”
Minseok’s scandalized look amuses Kyungsoo but then he answers, “Why would I make that kind of bet? No, Kyungsoo-yah-“ He already calls Kyungsoo’s name in casual way before he corrects himself with ‘sshi’. “I ask you to date me because I’m interested in you. There’s no bet, I swear. I’ve known you for a while but I really want to know you further and better. It’s okay if you don’t want to, I totally understand-“
“Okay.”
“I won’t be mad-eh, what?” It’s quite funny to see Minseok’s expression changes from forlorn to surprised, as if he hadn’t expected an answer other than no. “Are you serious? You’re not joking, right, Kyungsoo sshi?”
“Just a date first,” Kyungsoo sighs. When the older guy looks like’s about to say something, he beats him, “Look, Minseok sshi, I haven’t known you for more than fifteen minutes. Hell, I’m still calling you with honorifics. How much awkward can we be?”
Kyungsoo witnesses Minseok’s expression falls from excitement to disappointment and he doesn’t know why there’s guilt that suddenly occurs. Maybe that’s the perks of having good-looking face, Kyungsoo wonders; no one can stay mad at you. “But it won’t stay long if we have a date, right?” he says, and a second later regrets it because he doesn’t know what kind of advantage or damage will come along with that.
But then Minseok smiles softly to him, and he doesn’t regret it too much anymore.
*
As it turns out, his date with the popular senior is not bad at the least. Minseok waits for him in front of CGV because he’s been waiting for this film about penguins from Madagascar to release on the cinema, saying that his friends in the US have watched it and it’s just him who hasn’t since Korea is always late when it comes to box office. He pays for their tickets and even offers Kyungsoo to pay for his popcorn, but Kyungsoo rejects it kindly, telling the older guy that he can treat him later for lunch. Minseok beams and Kyungsoo just can’t help but smile back.
The younger of the two sees how Minseok respects his personal space and deems this date a friendly date and he’s glad with that. He watches Minseok’s hand that sometimes reaches his on the counter but halts his action. He told the older guy after he agreed having a date with him that he’s actually not a big fan of skinship, and thus no holding hands during date. Minseok easily complied, having no problem at all with that and even went as far as assuring Kyungsoo that he would make the later as comfortable as possible with him. Kyungsoo only nodded at that time and thought that the senior is genuinely kind, though he knows very few about him other than what he’s heard from other people.
He’s heard about Minseok before from gossiping girls in his class, about how quite the soccer captain is but has a smile that’s quite a sight to behold. The Kim Minseok with him right now is a bit too talkative at that moment to be considered quiet but Kyungsoo admits that not only his smile, his face in general is gorgeous. His eyes twinkle in excitement when he talks about one of superheroes in The Avengers and though Kyungsoo understands only half of it because he’s watched just a few of the series, he listens attentively.
“And then when Thor looked at Loki-“ Minseok suddenly halts, making Kyungsoo raise his eyebrows. “I bore you, don’t I?” he asks sheepishly, rubbing his nape and biting his lower lip out of habit; something he does whenever he’s nervous, Kyungsoo notes. “I’m sorry that I talk too much, Kyungsoo-yah-“
“It’s okay, Minseok hyung,” Kyungsoo eases the older’s uneasiness with a smile. From the start Minseok asked for his permission to call him casually and he promptly agreed, also calling Minseok with hyung. “Your story is… interesting. I’m not much of a talker so you can take my slot.”
Minseok is quiet at first before he laughs heartily, his series of teeth showing up. Eventually Kyungsoo joins the laughter before the older guy continues about an anecdote he found on the internet about Iron Man.
It feels good, really good to be with Minseok.
*
They go to a pizza restaurant that’s not really full for late lunch. They continue chatting enthusiastically and it strangely feels like Kyungsoo and Minseok have known each other for a long time. Minseok is an easy guy to be with, Kyungsoo realizes; conversation comes up naturally like it’s flowing, topics upon topics and without him knowing it’s already evening and they’re walking home together.
“Hyung,” Kyungsoo begins after a long but comfortable silence. “When and where did you first know me?”
Minseok chuckles before he shakes his head, “You really don’t remember me, do you?”
“Have we met before?”
“I used to go to the same church with Jongdae when I was younger, well, until I realized that I’m not really much of a believer and stopped going altogether,” he sighs before titling his head a bit to look at the sky. “You sat at the front row while I was always at the back. You greeted me once and I thought at that time, you were so cute. I forgot about you until a year ago when I was looking at Jongdae’s photo albums on his Facebook and found you. I admit, you’ve grown up to be a fine-looking guy.”
Kyungsoo tries so hard not to blush to the obvious adoration in the older guy’s sentence.
“Just that day, that day when I approached you, was the time I finally got the courage to talk to you,” Minseok grins. “I hope I haven’t given you any bad impression today. I just want you to know that today was fun, Kyungsoo-yah. I’m so glad that you wanted to spend the day with me.”
**
It almost feels like a dream to Minseok when Kyungsoo finally says yes to their relationship after the third date. Honestly he’s been dreaming what it feels like to have the cute guy as his, but who knows that his dream finally comes true?
“-but under two conditions,” continues Kyungsoo after Minseok shouts his happiness out loud on the street around the park in Kyungsoo’s neighborhood.
“What is it?”
“First… can we keep this to ourselves? It’s just,” Kyungsoo adds when Minseok’s about to ask him why. “You’re famous, hyung. I’m still not used to it.”
Minseok remembers when Kyungsoo walked a bit distantly from him on the second date and when he asked him about it, the younger guy said that he felt comfortable with people staring at him and Minseok. Later, he confessed that he didn’t like to be under the spotlight. That was also why he never entertained the thought of joining choir club.
That evening, on a quiet street, Minseok heard Kyungsoo sing for the first time. He promised he’d come to the church every time Kyungsoo sang with the choir.
“Can I tell this to Luhan?” asks Minseok cautiously. “He’s my best friend and roommate, I can barely keep any secret from him. Later he’ll find out because he’s sharp like that. It’s just best if he finds it out from my own lips, isn’t it?”
“Okay…” Kyungsoo looks in doubt but doesn’t say anything else about it. Minseok reaches his hands but he flinches. “And second, can we not touch each other?”
“Are you still uncomfortable with me?” asks Minseok while letting Kyungsoo’s hands slowly, trying to sound cool but he thinks he sucks at masking his disappointment when he sees panic in Kyungsoo’s face. “It’s okay, Kyungsoo-yah, as long as I make you comfortable with me.”
“Even I don’t do skinship much with Seungsoo,” he murmurs while biting his lip. “Is it okay, hyung? I can try to hold hands so I will be used to it.”
“It’s alright, I understand,” Minseok smiles. “But you still want to date me?”
Kyungsoo’s nod and smile are enough to make Minseok stay awake that night, hugging the life out of Luhan while screaming, “He said yes, Han! He’s mine now! Oh my god!”
**
There is something wrong with his boyfriend. Kyungsoo notices it when he meets Minseok in the eatery within their campus with his face decorated with a smile dimmer than usual. He doesn’t say it out loud, though, and he just continues trailing his stare to the older guy who’s ordering his usual lunch, conversing a bit with Jongin the cashier. He eventually breaks his gaze when he feels a sharp jab to his hip, courtesy to Chanyeol, his friend since primary school days who also goes to the same major with him. “What?” he hisses, clearly displeased.
“You’re gonna burn a hole to Minseok hyung’s back with your laser gaze,” Chanyeol shakes his head before going back to his cheese burger and cheesy fries. Apparently he decided that he got cheese-themed lunch for today.
He’s about to retort to his friend that ‘he is my boyfriend I’m allowed to stare at him as long as I want’ because Chanyeol is one of a few people who know about his relationship but Minseok already walks toward their table with a tray in his hands so he leaves it unsaid. Minseok’s lunch consists of baked potato with broccoli and a tall of orange juice. It’s too little, Kyungsoo thinks, with his boyfriend being a soccer captain and the upcoming match between universities in Seoul is just in a few weeks.
“Hyung, do you want to order more?” asks Kyungsoo. He sees the guy across him just play with his fork and stab his lunch lazily, as if he isn’t there to eat. “Minseok hyung?”
“Hmm?” Minseok finally looks up, eyes a little unfocused but the smile is back up to his lips albeit a weak one. “Sorry, Kyungsoo-yah, what was it?”
“He asked you if you wanted to order another dish for lunch,” Luhan, Minseok’s best friend who is sitting beside him, helps Kyungsoo with his words.
“Oh,” Minseok finally got it. “No, Kyungsoo-yah. I’m fine.”
The said boyfriend wants to say that it isn’t enough for him and he needs much more energy but he reconsiders it; it seems like Minseok isn’t in the mood today. He sees Minseok lean his head onto Luhan’s shoulder and eats his potato with minimum enthusiast, making his best friend threaten him to feed him like a baby with the airplane spoon and all if he won’t eat properly. Minseok finally eats with obnoxious chewing noise just to spite his friend, making Chanyeol laugh at their banter.
It’s hard for Kyungsoo to admit that he feels a bit jealous to Minseok and Luhan’s friendship.
He knows that half of it’s his own fault that he doesn’t allow Minseok to touch him especially in public, though they have been in relationship for four months. There’s tickling sensation every time his skin brushes with Minseok’s and it’s uncomfortable.
Minseok’s interaction with Luhan ghosts his mind even during classes and when he walks home together with his boyfriend. The older guy is talking about the last soccer match he watched with Luhan when he decides to drop the bomb, “Hyung, what is Luhan hyung to you?”
“Why do you ask?” Minseok’s confusion is palpable on his face.
“It’s just,” Kyungsoo pauses before he sighs deeply. “Hyung, I’m sorry.”
“Hey, hey, what is this about?” Minseok comes closer and holds both of his shoulders. His hands feel warm to his skin. “Is there something in your mind?”
“I think I haven’t been a good boyfriend to you,” Kyungsoo gnaws his lower lip unconsciously. “I mean, what kind of boyfriend that keeps their relationship as secret? And you cannot even hold me because I would feel uncomfortable. And here I am feeling a bit… jealous with Luhan just because he cares for you. Hyung, are you really okay with me?”
“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m okay with this,” Minseok caresses his cheeks a bit, not to the extent that it makes him comfortable. “I just want to keep you happy, Kyungsoo-yah.”
Something clogs Kyungsoo’s throat when he sees Minseok smile at him, an earnest one. What has he done for a kind boyfriend like him? Absolutely nothing.
“Hug?” asks Minseok while spreading his arms, waiting for Kyungsoo to come. The younger of the two draws in timidly before Minseok carefully closes his embrace. It’s warm, he thinks.
It’s totally okay.
*
Kyungsoo tries. He sneaks his hand into Minseok’s when the older accompanies him walking home. At first Minseok looks at him with total surprise on his face, but then he grips it tightly while smiling. His boyfriend even makes a move by kissing his forehead in front of his apartment complex before he bolts away, waving his hand excitedly like a toddler when they see cute giraffes in a zoo.
The reaction is unexpected; he breaks into cold sweat, his hands trembling and his focus lost. But it’s not really bad.
It still feels terrible when he retreats his hand out of Minseok’s loose grip just because it starts sweating and he just cannot stomach the sheer disappointment on Minseok’s face. But then his boyfriend will give him that smile, as if assuring him that he’s alright.
But Kyungsoo knows it’s not alright when he comes to the soccer field in their university area to watch Minseok practice, only to find the practice has ended and the said guy in his best friend’s embrace, his hair caressed softly as Luhan says to him, “It’s okay, it’s going to be alright soon.”
He’s tried, okay? He’s attempted to be a decent boyfriend for Minseok but maybe just trying is not enough. There are so many things he cannot do for Minseok and he cannot even read the older guy’s mind.
He cannot even bring his fingers to reply Minseok’s ‘Let’s go home together! Where are you? ^^’ message and goes home alone for the first time in weeks.
*
No matter how well he keeps away from his boyfriend, there’s no way he can avoid a certain Chinese moreover when he’s trapped in the aisle between two tall book shelves in the library, just a week after the incident in the soccer field. He anticipates the senior to blow up in front of him about how stupid he is to ignore one of the nicest guys left in South Korea, but he doesn’t expect Luhan to show up with sad eyes and equally sad smile, inviting him to sit down on the floor together with silent motion. Kyungsoo nods meekly and crouches down in front of Luhan, folding his legs while keeping his gaze to the other guy.
“I heard you got jealous of my skinship with Minseok,” says Luhan after a minute of silence. Kyungsoo can only nod.
No one says anything after that. Kyungsoo wonders what the older guy is trying to say. Is it wrong to feel jealous when your boyfriend is held by another guy? He knows that he hasn’t done anything for Minseok in return to all of his affections but he just can’t help his feelings. It also pains him to avoid Minseok and see his hunched back from afar but every time the scene replays in his mind, his heart squeezes painfully.
Kyungsoo sees Luhan fish out his wallet from his jeans’ back pocket and picks out a small sheet that looks like a polaroid photo. Luhan gestures him to look at the picture so he scoots closer and takes a look. It turns out a picture of some boys that looked like they were just done playing soccer and the older guy points at a chubby looking boy. “It’s Minseok when we were still at the fourth grade. Wasn’t he cute?”
Kyungsoo admits that younger Minseok was so cute with cheeks still full with baby fats and his lips unconsciously stretch to form a smile. He doesn’t really mind how Minseok is now; lean, strong biceps but face still adorable.
“He’d always been adored by his friends, cheeks pinched on daily basis because he was so cute, until in high school people called him fat,” Luhan tells Kyungsoo, his eyes still on the picture. “He wouldn’t eat with me if I asked him to accompany me to the usual tteokbokki ahjumma. He ran five kilos every day before school. He didn’t want to be touched anymore because he was afraid people could feel his fat from his skin.
It took me a long time to make him relent into my touches and anybody’s in general. I think it’s always in his subconscious that he needs people’s touches for reassurance that they don’t feel... disgusted with him. He feels insecure a lot, though he’s now quite famous and no one addresses him again as the Fat Minseok.”
Luhan puts the photo back into his wallet and turns his gaze to the quiet junior beside him, “He likes you, Kyungsoo-yah. A lot, if you cannot tell already.”
Kyungsoo’s not a crier to say the least but acknowledging that fact makes him want to run to his home because of his stupidity. He’s hurt the one who likes him and the said person still continues liking him. He has avoided Minseok when he needs his support the most.
What kind of horrible monster is he?
“He’s gone back to our apartment, you can come with me,” says Luhan while getting up and offering his hand to help Kyungsoo stand up.
“Thank you hyung but maybe tomorrow,” Kyungsoo shakes his head weakly. “Thank you… for telling me, Luhan hyung.”
“Minseok is like a brother to me,” Luhan tells him before walking away from Kyungsoo. “I just want him to be happy, that’s all.”
*
An old wisdom says that people in love have trouble in sleeping because the reality is more beautiful than the dream.
Kyungsoo is suffering in one not because of love. He’s feeling a terrible guilt and he doesn’t even have the gut to reply endless messages from Minseok.
He likes Minseok. He likes Minseok so much but he’s hurt the other guy instead.
In the middle of dwelling in his agony, his phone rings and it takes him a few seconds to accept the call after seeing a series of unknown number. “Hello?”
“Kyungsoo-yah, it’s Luhan.”
“Luhan hyung,” Kyungsoo breathes out, his stomach swirls uncomfortably. “What can I do for you?”
“It’s just,” he sighs softly before his continues with soft voice. “Can you come here to my apartment? I know it’s late already but…”
“Is it about Minseok hyung?” Kyungsoo grips his phone tightly out of anxiety. “What happened with him?”
“I’ll tell you later after you arrive.”
“Okay.” Kyungsoo grabs his hoodie and slips out of his home as quiet as possible, taking his bike to Minseok’s apartment that’s a few blocks away from his. He calls Luhan after he leaves his bike next to the security station and he breathes out in relief when he sees Luhan emerge from the basement elevator.
“He was still crying when I left him,” says Luhan in hasty tone when they’re walking on the corridor. “He never tells anyone but I know. He always keeps his sadness by himself.”
“What should I do?” asks Kyungsoo, half-whispers when he’s inside the apartment unit. He knows which door Minseok’s room is after a few times coming of visit.
“Just calm him down?” Luhan’s sentence ends up as a question; he’s not sure himself.
Kyungsoo makes his way to his boyfriend’s room and opens the door slowly. He can see a lump under the blanket and he caresses it, making a head come out of the sheet. “Kyungsoo…?” Minseok croaks softly. Kyungsoo can see his puffy eyes and chapped lips and it’d be a lie if he says his heart doesn’t break upon the older guy’s condition. He slowly sits on the edge of the bed and lies down after Minseok makes space for him. “Why are you here?”
“To apologize,” Kyungsoo turns to his side and places his hand onto Minseok’s wet cheek. “I’ve hurt you, hyung. I’ve been a terrible boyfriend, haven’t I? I ignored you when you needed me the most.”
They only look at each other’s eyes, drinking in each other’s facial features. Even with red nose and swollen eyes Minseok still looks handsome to Kyungsoo. He scoots closer and softly kisses his boyfriend’s forehead. It’s a big step for him, and he does it for Minseok. The other guy deserves his undivided affections.
“Kyungsoo-yah,” Minseok calls his name, but Kyungsoo just shakes his head.
“Let’s just sleep, okay?” he sneaks his arm around Minseok’s waist and pulls him closer. He wishes the older guy a good night and closes his eyes slowly.
It’s not so bad.
*
Although it’s still limited to when they’re alone, Kyungsoo’s trying to be a better lover for Minseok. He comes to every practice and waves to Minseok every time their eyes meet, albeit subtly. They hold hands when they walk home together.
Kyungsoo just wants the best for the best lover for the best guy he’s ever met.
The big match is finally coming and Kyungsoo can feel anxiety sitting at the bottom of his stomach. He only knows the basic rule of soccer after a few times watching Minseok play but from the talks he heard from his college mates, the opponent team is quite strong. He just hopes Minseok won’t get any injury after the match.
Both teams finally emerge to the field and he can see a certain player scan over the supporters. Kyungsoo, who comes to watch with Chanyeol and Jongdae, waves to him. Minseok waves back enthusiastically with a big smile plastered on his face.
The game is heated, to say the least. Both teams are equally strong but Minseok’s still more skilled than the midfielder from the opponent team to Kyungsoo, biasedly speaking.
Kyungsoo holds his breath unconsciously when Minseok is drabbling the ball while passing through the opponents, kicking to pass the ball to Luhan who’s already in front of the goal. His partner jumps and butts the ball to the goal. The crowd cheers when the ball goals in, securing their win to continue to the next match. Luhan’s lifted by the other players.
Kyungsoo arrives to the field when the team’s still celebrating their victory. Minseok finds him, a big smile still etched on his face and Kyungsoo has the sudden urge to hug the older guy so he does. Minseok catches him and tightens his embrace, still high in euphoria. Kyungsoo breaks the hug to look at Minseok’s twinkling eyes closely, before he dives in to kiss his boyfriend’s lips.
The younger of the two can feel Minseok’s body go stiff and he panics at one second, but then Minseok’s body relaxes in his embrace and deepens their kiss. He tilts his head to kiss him back, their eyes closed, and for a moment they forget that they’re in the middle of the crowd.
“You never told us you got a boyfriend already!” The striker in the team, Minho, shouts suddenly and they finally break the kiss. They look at their friends around them before turning to each other; the same grin seems permanently engraved onto their faces.
“I’m sorry, guys,” Minseok kisses Kyungsoo’s cheek affectionately, making the latter blush furiously. “But I’m not available anymore. This is Kyungsoo, first year, my boyfriend.”
[fin.]