Fic: Everything's Not Lost
Title: Everything's Not Lost
Author: songstone_24
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/Characters: Jimmy Novak, Castiel, some mentions of Dean and Sam as well as Amelia and Claire. One-sided Destiel if you squint.
Warnings: AU set after 7x01, mentions of Leviathans and soul-torture.
Word Count: 2,669
Summary: The words came back at him then. The last words he heard from Castiel before the souls of Purgatory had drowned out everything else. "I am your new God." Followed up by a much softer; "And you are being rewarded for your faithfulness."
Authors Note: Title taken from a Coldplay song of the same name. Written as the intro to a role play between princess_aleera and myself. Yes, this was only my part. Yes, I do get wordy. So glad that she seems okay with that, though! And while this is only one part of what I've written for the role play, I must note that she plays a wonderful Sam and Dean, and a hysterical and chilling Hallucifer. You're awesome, hun! <3
* * *
Everyone can relate to the frustrating feeling of being ignored, or overlooked. No one likes being forgotten. Jimmy Novak certainly wasn't an exception.
For the better part of four years, Jimmy had been locked within his own mind, trapped in a body that he could no longer access. He had been through hell--literally. He had been pulled away from his normal small town life in Pontiac, Illinois, from his wife and daughter, he'd been dragged around the globe, worn to war, he'd suffered bullet wounds, knife wounds, he'd had limbs severed and reattached on occasion, been killed by two Archangels, and all because he had said 'Yes' to one little Angel of the Lord.
Now, for the record, Castiel wasn't an easy person (entity, whatever) to share a head with. He had no regard to personal space, and sometimes the brush of his immense knowledge against Jimmy's weaker human consciousness was enough to send the man reeling back into the corners of his own mind with shock and awe--sometimes fear, since Castiel's memories tended to drift off to times of war and bloodshed. Jimmy sometimes couldn't believe that all that was Castiel was really able to fit inside of his body. He was an awe-inspiring creature, but curiously naive. He sometimes liked to ruffle through Jimmy's own thoughts; liked to read him like a book and skim over the mundane details that had made up Jimmy's life. Like he was watching some kind of amazing drama. Or studying, he had once told himself. Studying humans.
Thankfully, for the first year and a half, Jimmy didn't have to deal with such invasive actions. Castiel had been merciful enough to keep Jimmy in a semi-aware state of mind. It was only after Castiel was beginning to fall that he became interested in Jimmy's life and began to rouse him, speaking to him occasionally and letting him see the world again. It was like he was preparing, Jimmy had realized once. Preparing to become human. And locking me up with him forever--the realization had been a frightening one.
Thankfully, none of that had come to pass. After Cas had gotten them killed--again--they had come back and Castiel was an Angel again, all wings and duty and loyalty. And Jimmy was as he always was, frightened and confused inside of his own head. As the months, the years, continued to drag on, Jimmy found comfort in Castiel's warmth. His Grace, whenever Jimmy would seek it out and brush against it willingly, had become sort of a security blanket for him. It was different than Cas' conscious thoughts; his Grace was clean and calm. It surged whenever Jimmy nuzzled into it, and Jimmy once might have thought that Castiel enjoyed his presence as well.
It was a confusing existence. Jimmy still didn't know what was happening half of the time, but Castiel was getting better at talking to him and telling him his plans. It was comforting. The Angel didn't have the Winchester brothers anymore, but he had Jimmy to talk to. And knowing that Castiel was trusting him with his plans instead of just shoving him to the back burner like he had done in the beginning was enlightening. Jimmy liked it. Heaven help him (er, maybe not literally), it was the first time that he could actually say that being a vessel was rewarding. He and Cas...they became close. It wasn't the typical Angel/Vessel relationship; Cas actually regarded Jimmy kindly, even attempting to comfort him when memories of his life as a father and husband returned to torment him. Jimmy's pain was Castiel's pain, and vice versa.
Jimmy didn't think he had ever felt such a great sadness that would ever compare to Castiel's loss of not only Sam Winchester, but Dean Winchester as well. He knew that they, along with Jimmy himself, had been a home away from home. A family. Castiel's own human, Earth-bound family, and he had loved those two brothers. And now they were out of their lives for good. Sam in hell with Lucifer and Michael, and Dean off living some kind of Desperate Housewives episode.
But then Castiel was returning to Dean's new home. He was watching the man as he made breakfast, or brushed his teeth. When Dean would lounge on the couch and read the newspaper, Cas wasn't too far off, watching, his heartache making Jimmy's soul stir and curl into itself. He was following Dean, watching him, missing him, knowing that he would never interrupt his life because all Sam had ever wanted for his brother was for him to be normal. It was his final wish. How could Cas ruin it with his presence? He couldn't.
And then one day while they watched Dean rake leaves in his backyard, Crowley the demon had appeared. Castiel had spoken to him, followed him down to the 'new hell' despite Jimmy's resistance and refusal to see it. Of course, not being in control over his own skin, he hadn't a choice. Cas had taken them down, following close to Crowley.
And then the Angel and the demon were planning. They were plotting together, scheming. Then Castiel was agreeing to working with the demon, and Jimmy didn't know what to say. He had supported every other choice that the Angel had made, wanting nothing but the greater good for everyone. He had even agreed to a lifetime of being locked inside of his own body, like some kind of split personality, when Castiel was beginning to lose his Grace back during the Apocalypse. He had risked his very soul for that one, Castiel warning that he wasn't sure what would happen to him should Cas conform and take over his body completely. It had been frightening, but Cas had been fighting for free will, something Jimmy had lost long ago, and he had agreed because it was right. This? This didn't feel right at all.
Jimmy had blacked out for a while.
He went under with the thoughts that, hey, maybe it would work. Maybe everything would work out okay after all, and Cas would manage to get Heaven back under control. Maybe everything could be okay for them again.
Jimmy always did put too much faith into people.
Leviathans were viscous things. The souls from Purgatory weren't rainbows and lilacs, either. They were loud and careless as they trampled all over Jimmy, shoving him so far back into a corner of his mind that he couldn't even feel the heat from Castiel's Grace anymore. He was so far away. In that darkness, the Leviathans came.
They ripped at his soul, tapped at his consciousness. They thought things at him, making him see things. They tormented. They snapped at him, nipping and tearing little jagged pieces from him. Jimmy could only try and hide himself further into the small groove in which he had taken refuge, hoping for salvation to come. He could only sob and shy away from the multitude of tormented and angry souls, calling out to Castiel for help.
"This was a mistake!" He shouted.
His cry was quickly followed by the Leviathans' chant of "LET US OUT" and he couldn't be sure if Castiel had heard him or not.
For a long time, Jimmy only knew torment. He only knew darkness and pain, and he could hear nothing over the anguished wails of the souls and the roars and gnashing of teeth that the Leviathans made.
And then one day, the noise stopped. The clawing at his edges stopped. Everything stood still and all Jimmy was aware of as he pulled himself out from his hiding place was the bright, hot, light, shining directly onto him. It was familiar to him in some ways, but also so new and overwhelming that he almost shied away again for fear that this was another hellish monster pulled free from Purgatory. But then it spoke.
"Jimmy."
"...Cas?"
"Come."
Jimmy went.
* * *
He woke up sore. This startled him. In the past four years, Jimmy had never felt soreness before. Namely because he hadn't a body with muscles to strain.
He also woke up cold. Little alarms started to go off in his head, and Jimmy would have regarded them a bit more seriously had his ears not been ringing with a deafening, blessed, silence.
And then Jimmy was opening his eyes, and he was staring up at the cloudless night sky through tree branches. He watched the stars as he gasped for air and tried to remember how to breathe. His body was cold. He shivered and realized when he twitched his toes that he was naked. The feeling of dewy grass underneath him was suddenly very overwhelming. It was over-stimulation at its finest. But then a shadow was looming over him, and his eyes shifted from the stars to the figure, trying to blink it into focus.
"Rise, Jimmy Novak."
His heart just about stopped. "Castiel?" He found his vocal chords after a brief struggle.
The shadow didn't answer. It simply lowered itself down by bending at the waist and reached out, grasping tightly onto Jimmy's naked shoulder, and heaved him up effortlessly. After the vertigo of being upright had ebbed, Jimmy suddenly found himself hauled to his feet, where he stood on unsteady legs. His knees buckled, but the hand on his arm refused to let him crumple.
"Cas?" He tried again. There was no mistaking it.
The face staring back at him was his own, but...it was being worn differently. The blue eyes were cold and distant, and the expression was stony.
"I am." His voice replied, deeper and ragged.
"How...am I...?" Jimmy asked, comforted by the fact that he was beginning to stand easier on his own. Castiel's hand pulled away from him, and the skin he had been touching felt three times hotter than the rest of his naked form.
Castiel regarded Jimmy with a curious tilt of the head. "I re-birthed you." He explained in an even tone. "You have served me well as a vessel. However, keeping you with me is no longer a necessity."
"How is that..."
The words came back at him then. The last words he heard from Castiel before the souls of Purgatory had drowned out everything else. "I am your new God." Followed up by a much softer; "And you are being rewarded for your faithfulness."
Jimmy could only blink in shock and watched as Castiel pulled himself away and began to pull his arms out of the tan overcoat that had been his for the past four years. When the fabric was sliding over his dampened skin, Jimmy finally let out a small noise and felt the tears break free.
Castiel only watched in silence, and it was a strange feeling. To be staring across at yourself, or at least someone who was wearing your face. What was even more disconcerting was the fact that Jimmy was used to Castiel responding to his distress, shifting small parts of himself inward to comfort and protect Jimmy. But with two bodies between them, that was impossible. This new Castiel simply watched, his head tilting further to the left the harder that Jimmy sobbed into open air.
"Are you thankful, James Novak?"
It was hard to say yes. Because he wasn't thankful. Castiel had let him suffer inside of his own skin for so long. He had forgotten about him, left him to his own troubles while he went out and played God. The Leviathans had had their fun with him, and he could feel a dull ache in his chest as he remembered them, as if his wounds had somehow been translated into this new, physical body.
But Jimmy nodded. He nodded because that was what Cas wanted to see. If he said no, then there was no telling what the former Angel would do to him. If he had simply left Jimmy to rot inside of himself with billions of other souls and Leviathans for no reason other than it wasn't convenient to drag him out immediately, then there was no telling what he would do if Jimmy spat it his face.
Appeased, Cas started to fix Jimmy's overcoat, buttoning from the top all the way to the bottom. It was no secret that Cas was powerful--more powerful than he ever had been before. If he'd had this kind of power back when Lucifer had walked the Earth, he could have demolished the fallen Angel with ease. Jimmy could sense it. It frightened him.
"You are to be my witness." Cas suddenly said as he fumbled with the buttons--Jimmy almost found the thought amusing. Cas, God, unsure of how to fasten a button. "A testament to my just and righteous rule. I am giving you new life. As I will give to all in Heaven, should they be completely loyal and sworn to me." Cas actually smiled a little then, and paused, bent again at his waist, as he tugged the two bottom-most buttons together. "When the gospels of my rule are written by the chosen prophets, I will not forget your name. You will be a saint. Hymns will be sung in your name."
Jimmy didn't know what to think about any of that. He nodded again to end the topic of discussion. "Where am I?" He asked instead of acknowledging anything more.
"Two miles outside of the South Dakota city limits." Cas explained very slowly. He straightened when Jimmy's coat was buttoned and his chest and lower extremities were no longer exposed to the elements. Jimmy wondered if their location was chosen specifically for the fact that he was so close to Bobby Singer's home. "I am required elsewhere." He stated suddenly. "I must go." Right. And leave Jimmy in the middle of no where. Of course he couldn't drop him in front of his home (Jimmy wasn't even sure if Amelia and Claire even still lived there after what happened the last time he'd seen them).
Jimmy nodded dutifully, his body stiff as he tried to hold back the shivers born out of fear. He was sure Cas could sense it in him anyway, though the 'new God' said nothing.
"You can have your life back, Jimmy." Cas said, expression falling into something almost sympathetic. "I'm repaying what I owe." Because I am a just God.
Jimmy nodded again.
Cas left. The spot on Jimmy's arm still burned from his touch and he covered it with his hand, trying to preserve the heat a little longer. He felt empty. Like a hollowed out pumpkin. He was all alone.
Jimmy looked to his right. Shrubbery and more trees. He looked to his left. The trees broke apart there and he saw the side of the road. At least if he followed the road he was bound to get somewhere else other than where he was. At least he would feel the wind as he walked either with it or against it, the gravel digging into the soles of his feet, and at least he would know he was alive. Jimmy had almost forgotten what breathing felt like.
Climbing up the small slope on the side of the road, Jimmy pitched forward, grunting in pain as his knees and palms alerted him that sharp rocks were digging into his flesh when he caught himself. He hissed and pulled himself up, glancing down and picking away the pebbles from the skin on his hands. He dusted his knees, slightly scraped and bruised, and then looked up. Down one way, the road was dark and long, curving away around a small cliff and bushes. Turning to face the other way, Jimmy recognized the distant burning of streetlights. His feet stuttered forward, guiding him, and he stumbled a little, legs still unstable. He righted himself, however, and continued to walk.
His hand over his arm where Castiel had last touched and tears streaming, unnoticed, down his face, Jimmy Novak attempted to walk home.
* * *