Short Message Service Vol. XX - The Empty Hearse

[solrosan]

Summary: The Empty Hearse told in text messages between Sherlock and not!Anthea.

Notes: Holy fuck! This is the 20th instalment of this. I feel like I need to commemorate this in some way, but I really don't know how to. I really just want to thank zedille for making it possible for me to keep on doing this (and ask for her forgiveness for the changes I've made after she sent me the final draft...).

I would also like to thank all of you who read and comment and talk to me about this series. It's amazing and you're all fantastic.


Did you know the agent?
SH

What agent?

The incompetent one who
gave his life so that you
could use national resources
to get me out of Serbia.
SH

Oh, that agent. No.

You did say “one of our men”.
SH

Yes, ours. The United Kingdom’s.

It’s always Queen and Country
with you, isn’t it?
SH

A lot of the time it’s you and
your brother.

You didn’t kill that agent
yourself, did you?
SH

God, no! I could have allocated
resources for the Serbia trip
anyway. His death was just
very convenient.

”Incompetent in life, convenient
in death” rather catch for a
headstone.
SH

Oh, be nice!

It’s more imaginative than the
one Mycroft gave me.
SH

He’ll do better next time.

I would hope so.
SH

Speaking of my brother, when
did you start calling him Mycroft?
SH

I haven’t.

You called me Mr Holmes.
SH

I couldn’t very well call you
cutie in front of my boss.

For the record: you can
never call me that.
SH

Noted.

So, when did you start calling
him Mycroft?
SH

I haven’t.

Etiquette states that if two
brothers are present at the
same time, the honour of
being addressed with their
father’s name falls to the older
if other arrangements haven’t
been mutually agreed upon.
SH

That’s ridiculous.

I agree, but you haven’t called
me Mr Holmes since the first
time you texted me.
SH

And the reason for doing so now
would be that I’m calling your
brother by his first name?

Perhaps not.
SH

Yeah, perhaps not. And I
know we still have some
equipment from two years
ago, but will you please take
the stairs down from the roof?

Now.

Are you having me followed?
SH

No.

Are you following me?
SH

Yes.

Don’t worry. I won’t jump off a
building again. It was inconvenient
enough the first time.
SH

“Inconvenient” is one word for it.

I’ll take the stairs. Don’t worry.
SH

Good. I put a lot of effort into
getting you home. I’d like
you to stay in one piece for at
least a couple of hours.

I thought you said you didn’t
kill that agent.
SH

I’ve really missed you.

I’ve missed you, too.
SH

-x-

How did it go?

I might have miscalculated a
couple of things.
SH

Yes, I’ve been informed
there was an… incident
at the restaurant.

That’s one way of putting it.
SH

How would you put it?

I don’t know.
SH

Good thing you didn’t jump
out of a cake, at least.

Yes.
SH

Did I get a little smile?

Yes.
SH

So how did it go?

I don’t really know. John’s
moustache was distracting.
SH

It’s terrible, isn’t it?

Quite.
SH

I blame you.

I can’t really see how I’m
at fault here.
SH

Your brother and I have
discussed it over drinks.

Seriously?
SH

Yes.

You and Mycroft were drinking and
talking about John’s facial hair?
SH

Among other parts of him.

I think I need to bleach my brain.
SH

Because you know this one
is true?

Yes, it’s far too easy to imagine.
SH

What can I say? Not all our
conversations are about trivia
like terrorism and election
fraud. Sometimes we talk
about important things like Dr
Watson’s cute little bum.

Did you come to a conclusion?
SH

About the moustache.
SH

Damn, you were too quick!

I realised I needed to be
more precise.
SH

The most obvious conclusion
would be that Mary likes it.

She doesn’t.
SH

We know, so the second best
guess is that it’s your fault.

Obviously.
SH

What do you think about
Mary, though?

She’s clever.
SH

And an only child.
SH

Shortsighted.
SH

Lib Dem.
SH

She has a secret tattoo.
SH

Ooh? Let’s get back to that one
later! But deductions aside,
what do you think of her?

At the moment I think I prefer
her over John.
SH

You don’t mean that.

Perhaps not, and I think I
actually prefer being
attacked to being hugged
by Lestrade.
SH

Lestrade hugged you?

Unfortunately. And he’s smoking
again.
SH

It’s your fault.

Why is every stupid thing
people do suddenly my
fault?
SH

Because you’re a bad
influence!

I haven’t been here for
two years!
SH

And you don’t think that has
anything to do with it?

It’s not like I wanted to leave!
SH

I know.

I had to leave.
SH

I know.

How are you feeling?

I honestly have no idea. I really
underestimated some things,
didn’t I?
SH

Yes you did, but John will
come around once he’s
calmed down a bit.

Maybe.
SH

Do you want to play a
game or two of Scrabble?

Yes, I do.
SH

-x-

How was your first night
back at Baker Street?

I can’t describe it, but it’s
been a long time since I
woke up feeling this way.
SH

Good or bad?

Perfect.
SH

Then don’t let this ruin
your morning, but your
brother is on his way
over.

Ugh. Estimated time of arrival?
SH

97 seconds.

You should really work on
your “heads ups”.
SH

I don’t work for you.

I’m only too aware of that.
SH

-x-

Remind me to get Mycroft a
goldfish for his birthday.
SH

What about the exploding
umbrella?

That’s more of a Christmas
present, really.
SH

-x-

I’m in so much trouble
right now.

What did you do?
SH

Your brother is going to
kill me!

Nonsense. Either you’re too
valuable to him, or he’s too
lazy to do it. I don’t know which,
but it’s one or the other.
SH

I’m not kidding, Sherlock.

Perhaps not, but you are
exaggerating. What did
you do?
SH

Promise your mother that
he would accompany her
and your father to a matinee
at the West End.

They’re coming to London?
SH

Yes.

Why?
SH

You haven’t seen them in years!

They’re not supposed to know
that I’m back!
SH

As subtle as you are, it will
be on the news in a matter
of days if not hours. I couldn’t
let them hear it from the BBC!

This is your doing?
SH

Yes…

They’ll never find your body.
SH

-x-

Molly? Really?

I’m not sure you’re allowed
to talk to me yet.
SH

So instead you’re playing with
Molly Hooper?

Jealous?
SH

I’m not the one you’re
trying to make jealous.

I’m not trying to make
anyone jealous.
SH

Sure.

At least take the girl out. Don’t
just do the in-flat cases. Take
her to a crime scene!

Despite of popular belief, I
don’t create crime scenes.
SH

Says the man who threatened
to make my body disappear for
all eternity.

Yes, but that wouldn’t lead
to a crime scene.
SH

That’s true. Take care, have fun.

-x-

How can you allow people to light
huge, unsupervised bonfires in
the middle of the city?
SH

I imagine Bonfire Night would
be a bit dull without the actual
bonfires.

Yes, mass arson is always fun.
SH

Burning people who plot high
treason is a lovely pastime.
The symbolism should be
highly encouraged, since your
brother won’t let us arrange
public executions anymore.

It’s a public safety issue.
SH

Like you care about that.

Well, you should.
SH

We do, you should see the
overtime for the fire
department. The question
is, why do you care?

No particular reason.
SH

I will find out, Sherlock.

I thought you had a vote
to rig in Parliament.
SH

You’re surprisingly well-informed.

Mycroft tried to use the vote to
get me to take his place at the
matinée.
SH

Ah, yes. He’s been trying the same
with me all week.

With no luck, I suppose.
SH

Obviously not. The vote was rigged
ages ago. I’m not leaving that
sort of thing to the last minute.

I’m sure he’s pleased with
your efficiency.
SH

Quite. I heard him mutter
something about how we
need a new ambassador
to Micronesia.

You must be very excited.
SH

I am. Trying on bikinis as we
text.

Before you go into exile, do
you still have those cameras
at Baker Street?
SH

Absolutely not.

I don’t believe you.
SH

I’m hurt.

You’ll survive. Can you send me
the footage?
SH

Sure. I’ll have your parents
bring them when they visit.

You’re really enjoying having
them in town, aren’t you?
SH

Probably more than you and
your brother put together.

Mary’s all right, by the way.
SH

Now I really have to figure
out what happened last night.

-x-

Sherlock, we need to
install cameras in John
and Mary’s flat.

I thought you already
had about four there.
SH

We don’t.

Why are you telling me?
SH

We’d appreciate your help
installing them.

You’re funny today.
SH

Sherlock, we think she’s the
target. They took John to get
to HER, not to you.

What?
SH

She was contacted, not you.
For all we know the people
behind this didn’t even know
you were back.

Bring the cameras and I’ll
install them as soon as I can.
SH

I’ll send those with your
parents as well.

I figured.
SH

I’ve been going over the
footage, by the way, and
just so you know: John was
on his way to see you when
it happened. If it’s worth
something.

I’m not sure it is.
SH

He’ll come around. Don’t
worry. He’s actually glad
you’re back.

-x-

Are you and Mycroft in Houses
of Parliament?
SH

I am. He’s not.

Leave.
SH

Pretty important vote going on.

You said you rigged it ages ago.
I don’t have time to explain,
just get out.
SH

Fine.

-x-

I was the only person you
thought about evacuating?

You were the only one there
worth saving.
SH

You don’t think our government
is worth saving?

I did ask for Mycroft as well,
did I not?
SH

Cute.

I’m talking about the ACTUAL
government. And all the MPs!

If I had called in a bomb
threat, the MPs would have
been evacuated, and the
police and bomb units would
have been sent in. I made an
assessment and decided to
sacrifice politicians instead
of law enforcement.
SH

I… don’t know how to respond
to that.

Why does everyone think that
I’m completely irresponsible?
SH

Because we know you.

Thanks.
SH

At least it seems like we
didn't waste all the money
we used to extract you from
Serbia.

Always glad to make life
easier for your accountant.
SH

So are things back to normal
between the two of you now?

Your accountant and I?
SH

You and John, obviously.

We’re getting there.
SH

Good.

Oh, and your brother wants
you to know that he’ll never
threaten you with a knighthood
again if you go to Les Mis in
his place.

Tempting as that sounds, I
have a prior engagement.
SH

When did you have time to
arrange that?

I’m throwing an engagement
party for John and Mary
tomorrow.
SH

What?

Yes, I’m sorry. It seems
the former army doctor
is off the market.
SH

That’s not what I’m talking about.
He hasn’t been on the market
for years. Not really.

What do you mean?
SH

Never mind. You’re throwing
a party? With people?

I thought it’d been the least
I could do after I sort of ruined
John’s actual proposal.
SH

God…. The Landmark Hotel.

Yes.
SH

Oh, the story about that night
just gets better and better as
it gets worse and worse.

I’m sure there’s logic in that
statement somewhere.
SH

I’m surprised Mary didn’t go
for your throat as well.

What do I need for an
engagement party?
SH

Champagne. I’ll send some
over.

Thank you. I’m also going to
install the cameras tomorrow.
SH

Lovely.

If it’s at all possible, I’d
love a picture of Mycroft
on his way to Les Mis.
SH

That can be arranged, but
you’ll owe me.

More than I already do?
SH

Yes.

-x-

Vol. XXI