Short Message Service Vol. XVIII - Sickness and Health

[solrosan]

Notes: This part was so much fun to write! After really struggling with the last two parts this one just came. I want to thank ibelieveinmycroft for trying to answer one of my stranger britpick questions ever and, as always, zedille for being wonderful and inspiring and making sure I don’t overuse commas or make up new English words.

All parts can be found here.

Summary: Both of them married to their work, in sickness and in health, but mostly in sickness this time.

-x-

Tell Mycroft “blue ribbon”.
He’ll know what it means.
SH

Tell him yourself.

He’s ignoring me so I’m
ignoring him back to anno
him.
SH

*annoy.
SH

You don’t think he’ll just
think you’ve stopped
bothering him?

Not if he’s not an idiot. Which
he is, so I see your point.
SH

What’s wrong?

Nothinng.
SH

It takes forever for you
to write a reply and your
spelling is horrible.

It’s hard texting with
a cast.
SH

You’ve broken an arm?

It’s just a hairline fracture.
SH

What happened?

John pushed me out of
the way of a car and I
fell on my arm.
SH

How did we miss this?

I’m fine, thanks for
asking.
SH

Did John make the cast
at Baker Street?

Yes, just after he diagnosed
the fracture with his X-ray
vision.
SH

You mean there are official
records of you getting X-rayed
and having your arm placed in a cast?

Probably, yes.
SH

How did we miss that?

When you’ve figured out
how you failed to invade
my privacy, will you tell
Mycroft “blue ribbon”?
SH

Stop being a child and tell
him yourself.

But my arm is broken.
SH

It’s a hairline fracture.

I still think that gets me
out of talking to Mycroft.
SH

No. It doesn’t.

-x-

I need some advice.

That’ll cost you.
SH

How much?

That depends on what
it’s about.
SH

Your brother.

I’ll give you one for free:
quit your job and you won’t
need any more advice.
SH

He’s running a fever.

High?
SH

I haven’t quite managed
to take his temperature.

Don’t worry about it. Either
it’s not that high and he'll
power through, or it’s high
and then he’ll collapse soon
enough.
SH

Sherlock.

Seriously. He’s a stubborn git
and you know it. Either he
collapses on his own, or you’ll
have to sedate him.
SH

Do you know any good
sedatives?

Don’t you mean soporifics?
SH

I don’t know. Just something
that makes him go to sleep.

I’ll send you a link.
SH

These are all hallucinogenic….

Hm, Freudian slip.
SH

Sure it was.

It was, but I encourage
you to try one on him.
SH

Or try one yourself, for
that matter.
SH

Just give me the right list.

Fine.
SH

You’re far too drug-liberal,
do you know that?

What can I say, I love being
an accomplice to treason.
SH

This isn’t treason. This is an
intervention for his own
damn good.

Please record the
conversation when you
try to explain that to him
afterwards.
SH

I’ll just tell him you did it.

Mycroft’s evil genius has
rubbed off on you.
SH

That might be the most
beautiful thing you’ve
ever said to me.

I’ll take that as full
payment for the advice.
SH

I’m not paying you for
telling me to drug my
boss.

The thought of you
drugging Mycroft is
actually reward enough.
SH

I even think it might
put me in your debt.
SH

You’re always in my debt.

Good luck knocking out
the elephant.
SH

Hush.

-x-

I need John to write
me a prescription
for naproxen.

You know you’d be
forced to reveal your
personal details for
that, right?
SH

I don’t care. I’m about
to send your brother to
buy me painkillers.

Dysmenorrhoea?
SH

Yes.

John says naproxen is
sold OTC as well.
SH

That’s only 250 mg.

Take two.
SH

Or three?
SH

Please?

He says he’d be more
comfortable if you
contacted your usual
prescriber.
SH

It’s not morphine.

Text him your details
and he’ll see to it.
SH

You are both angels.

Isn’t this a regular
enough occurrence that
you should be able to
plan for?
SH

Shut. Up.

-x-

Your brother is scheduled
for a knee ligament surgery
tomorrow.

So?
SH

I thought you should know.

Why? That's hardly a life-
threatening procedure.
SH

For the love of Queen
Victoria! Because he’s
your brother. That’s why!

That’s a terrible reason.
SH

Fine. The next time someone’s
going to cut your brother open,
I won’t tell you.

No. I want to know every
time anyone, intentionally
or unintentionally, cuts
open any part of Mycroft.
SH

Then what are you
complaining about?

I prefer to learn about
it after the fact.
SH

You don’t have to worry,
Sherlock. Like you said,
it's not life-threatening.

I’m not worried.
SH

I’ll e-mail you the details
anyway.

-x-

Did they kill you?
SH

What have I said about
the intelligence of that
sort of question?
MH

Still alive, then.
SH

Do try to hide your
disappointment.
MH

Are you at least in pain?
SH

I’m sad to inform you that
the pain is manageable.
MH

I will try to live with that
disappointment as well.
SH

-x-

It’s a cliché, but doctors
are horrible patients.
SH

Is John ill?

No, he has a cold.
SH

Or SARS, judging by the
sound of his complaining.
SH

Make him some tea.

I’m not going anywhere
near him.
SH

So he’s actually not really
being a horrible patient?

No, perhaps he’s just horrible.
SH

Be nice.

God, he just threw up. I’m
getting out of here.
SH

You can’t leave him alone!

Don’t be ridiculous, of
course I’m not leaving him
alone. I’m telling Mrs Hudson
to look after him.
SH

Sherlock!

-x-

I’m reading about the
“Miller Manors Murder”
in the paper. Is it really
this freakish?

Ugh. That sounds like one
of John’s blog entries.
SH

Now that you mention
it, it does have that ring
to it.

And to answer your
question: I don’t read
the papers (or John’s
blog), but it would
surprise me if even
half of what they report
is true.
SH

I thought you would
have solved it by now.

I would have, but John
is being impossible and
won’t let me go outside.
SH

Why?

The Miller’s youngest
son had chickenpox.
SH

And?

And it turns out I never
had it as a child.
SH

You have chickenpox?

Yes.
SH

I’m sorry, but that’s
about the most adorable
thing I’ve ever heard!

I can assure you that
it's not even a little bit
adorable.
SH

A little.

No.
SH

How do you feel?

I honestly can’t tell if
the itching or the boredom
is worse.
SH

Or the hovering Dr Watson.
SH

I can take him off your hands
for a while, if you’d like.

I’m sure you could, but
couldn't you send over the
CCTV footage from
Miller Manor instead so
that I can have something
to think about besides
the itching?
SH

Hacking private cameras
isn't what I do.

Yes it is. Do it, or I’ll send
Mycroft a letter containing
my virus! If memory serves
me right, he’s never had it
either.
SH

Sinking to threats of
bioterrorism, are we?

Yes. Is it effective?
SH

God, yes. Give me an
hour and you’ll have
the footage.

That’s the spirit.
SH

-x-

It’s hard when you can't
tell if the headache is a
hangover, a migraine, or
caffeine withdrawal.

How was the royal wedding?
SH

Fabulous.

-x-

What’s the real reason the
Millennium Bridge is closed?
SH

I can’t access that information
at the moment.

Why not?
SH

I’m in hospital.

What for?
SH

I’m in labour.

What?
SH

You’re going to be an uncle.

What?
SH

I’m just kidding.

I think I had a small stroke.
SH

Oh, hush! You’d be lucky
to have the Holmes genes
mixed with mine.

Perhaps. But not Mycroft’s.
SH

Are you suggesting that
I should use your genes?

Certainly not.
SH

That’s what it sounded like.

I have no intention of
ever procreating.
SH

That’s why I have to
settle with your brother’s.

Are you threatening me?
SH

If I was, you wouldn’t have
to ask.

That feels reassuring.
SH

I am actually in hospital
though.

Why?
SH

Your brother insisted.

Is he there with you?
SH

No, he has a world to run.

What’s wrong?
SH

Nothing. He’s overacting.

Yes, I know he’s prone to do
that. What’s wrong?
SH

I went into anaphylactic shock.

How bad?
SH

Let me put it like this: the
ECC has a recording of
your brother requesting
an ambulance.

But you’re all right now?
SH

Yes. They’ve given me
epinephrine, the swelling
has gone down, but my
blood pressure is still a
bit low. Apparently.

What are you allergic to?
SH

I don’t know, it’s never
happened before. I’m
waiting around for a
cute doctor to come and
poke me with a needle to
find out.

Do you want me to send
you John to do it?
SH

Always.

And you’re really all right?
SH

Yes.

Good.
SH

-x-

Sherlock, what’s this?

Nothing.
SH

No, seriously, what is this?

It’s a case for your EpiPen.
SH

You give the oddest, yet
sweetest, gifts.

Just don’t be an idiot and
eat something you’re
allergic to again.
SH

I’ll do my very best, Sherlock.

-x-

Vol. XIX