Short Message Service Vol. XVI - The Game Is On!
Summary: Scrabble isn’t the only game Sherlock and not!Anthea plays.
Notes: The theme for this one was suggested by a_blackpanther a long, long time ago. Beta was my faithful sister in arms zedille. All chapters are to be found here.
Oh, and don’t try to follow the chess moves, they make close to no sense.
-x-
Pawn to E4.
SH
Why do you get to
play white again?
Because you never start.
SH
Fair enough.
Pawn to E5.
Knight to F3.
SH
Isn’t there a chess app
we could use?
I’m sure there is, but
where's the fun in that?
SH
It would be easier.
Yes, and where’s the
fun in that?
SH
I don’t see the point
of keeping the game
in our heads.
You just say that because
I always win.
SH
That’s not true.
You know it is.
SH
Knight to C6.
Didn’t we play this exact
game last time?
SH
You’re the one who always
starts with “pawn to E4”.
That doesn’t mean
you have to make the
same mistakes over
and over again.
SH
I think answering your
texts is the biggest
mistake I make every day.
King’s bishop to B5.
SH
Where was my knight again?
Figure it out. We’re not
using a chess app!
SH
-x-
I think John is trying
to kill me.
SH
It took him long enough.
He wants to drag me to
a poker night with
some of his friends
from Afghanistan.
SH
That’s sweet. He wants to
show you off to his mates.
It’s not sweet. He’s trying
to kill me!
SH
Bring me back a soldier.
Preferably one who looks
as good as yours.
John is not, in any way,
my soldier.
SH
He’s your doctor soldier.
You’re also trying to kill me.
SH
At least that would get you
out of playing poker.
That’s true.
SH
Be nice to John and play
poker with his friends.
Dull.
SH
Sherlock, do you even
know how to play poker?
No, because it’s not
relevant.
SH
If you ask John, I’m sure
he'll teach you.
You can play strip poker!
Can’t you create a national
crisis I could help you with?
SH
No.
-x-
Not having to shuffle
the deck and lay out
the cards has really
improved patience.
It’s still mind-numbingly
boring, and the element
of chance is too large for it
to be truly challenging.
SH
At the moment, I like mind-
numbing.
I would recommend
opiates over patience.
SH
Don’t do that.
I’m just saying, they’re
much more efficient
than cards.
SH
Just not quite as legal.
They should be.
SH
We’re not going to
legalise opiates.
No, I mean you should
make card games illegal.
SH
That sounds very prudish,
for some reason.
Couldn’t you throw birds at
pigs instead? I know John
likes that game.
SH
You think that’s better
than cards?
Not really, no.
SH
Then I’ll just stick to cards.
Suit yourself.
SH
-x-
Did you know I’ve solved
cases on every Monopoly
street except Bow Street?
SH
That’s disturbing.
John thought so too.
SH
They weren’t all murders,
were they?
No. For example, the
one on Pentonville Road
was a spectacular robbery.
SH
Lovely.
The layout is horrible, by
the way. Have those people
even been to London?
SH
It’s a board game. Not a map.
It’s still very annoying.
SH
I’ll promise to bring it up
the next time I meet with
Parliament.
-x-
Queen’s rook to F5.
Finally. I’d thought you
had forgotten about the
game. Bishop takes rook.
SH
For the love of….
Oh, and check.
SH
King to D8.
Isn’t this fun?
SH
Hilarious.
-x-
Cluedo is the most
ridiculous game in the
history of the world.
SH
Colonel Mustard in the
library with the rope?
That makes absolutely
no sense! Why would a
colonel use a rope? It’s
much more likely that
he’d use a revolver if
it were premeditated.
SH
I was right?
Of course not. Apparently
it was Mrs Peacock in the
kitchen with the candlestick.
That doesn’t make sense
either. What was she doing
in the kitchen? And why
did she bring the candlestick?
SH
And why did she carry
Dr Black to the cellar? I
don't think she’s physically
capable. She must have
had an accomplice.
SH
The only one with motive
was Dr Black. I would have
offed myself too if I were
stuck in a house with
these people.
SH
Didn’t anyone explain
the game to you before
you started, Sherlock?
It’s a ridiculous game!
SH
Did you lose?
No, I was the only one
who managed to present
a case that would hold
up in court.
SH
By saying the victim did it?
Yes.
SH
Oh, Sherlock.
-x-
Your brother told me
the Cluedo board is
nailed to the wall
with a knife?
It had it coming.
SH
Remind me to never
play Risk with you.
-x-
How about allowing
American spellings?
Why?
SH
Just for fun.
What could possibly
be fun in playing
American Scrabble?
SH
Cultural exchange.
And the real reason?
SH
I can spell “aluminum”.
Too bad it’s spelled
“aluminium”, then.
SH
Give me two days, and
I’ll change that.
Mycroft would never
let you desecrate the
English language like that.
SH
Oh, if you only knew half
the things he makes me
do to him. And the English
language.
Now I’m nauseous.
SH
So I can play aluminum?
No.
SH
-x-
I think Baker Street should
be a Monopoly street.
SH
I think poetry should still
be in the Olympics.
If you’re not going to
take this conversation
seriously, there’s no point
in having it.
SH
I hardly ever take our
conversations seriously,
Sherlock dear.
Now you have to make
Baker Street a Monopoly
street to make it up
to me.
SH
I don’t have ultimate
power, Sherlock. There
are things I can’t do.
Did it hurt to admit that?
SH
Yes.
-x-
Playing patience on
my phone wasn’t
what I had planed
for my Friday night.
What’s wrong?
SH
Why would anything
be wrong?
Because it’s the second
time you’ve started a
conversation about
patience.
SH
Easy deduction?
Ridiculously so.
SH
And I asked Mycroft.
SH
You asked your brother
why I was playing
patience?
I asked him what he had
done to make you
feel like you needed
to numb your brain.
SH
You care in such odd ways.
How’s your mum?
SH
They couldn’t say, but they
needed to take her back
to surgery.
Do you want me to
send over a blond army
doctor?
SH
I always want you to
send John to me.
Just return him when
you're done.
SH
You do know how this
sounds, right?
I think I will pretend
I don’t.
SH
Thank you, Sherlock.
I haven’t sent John yet.
SH
Not for that. For making
me smile.
You’re welcome.
SH
-x-
Rook takes knight.
How?
SH
What do you mean “how”?
Like you normally take
pieces in chess.
But my remaining
knight is on C5, and
your rooks are on A4
and F6.
SH
Really?
Yes.
SH
I’m sure your knight’s
on F5, and my rook’s
on F8.
No.
SH
This is why you always
win. You cheat.
I don’t cheat.
SH
I don’t trust you.
It’s mutual.
SH
-x-
Should I take a boring
case on Bow Street just
to tick off the last
Monopoly street?
SH
Obviously, yes!
Then I’ll go back and
put murders on all
of them.
SH
When you say “put
murders", you mean
“solve murders”, right?
Yes, obviously.
SH
So murders are like hotels?
Except I don’t have
to solve four houses
before I can build one.
SH
I think the parallel got
lost somewhere.
Hm. Yes.
SH
Off you go, solve the
boring case!
-x-
I won’t play patience
any more.
I’m sorry.
SH
-x-
I think I’ve figured it out!
SH
What?
Why Mrs Peacock killed
Dr Black with the candlestick
in the kitchens and then
carried him to the stairs.
SH
What?
Cluedo! I’ve figured it out.
SH
If that’s what you’re doing
with your time, I think I
need to find you a proper
case to solve.
What threw me off at
first was the complete
lack of relationship between
the suspects and the
victim. There was no
logical reason for him
to invite any of them.
SH
Then I studied the pieces,
finding a striking
resemblance between
Mrs Peacock and Mrs
White. They’re obviously
sisters. Mrs White took
the position at Dr Black’s
to infiltrate the house.
SH
Mrs White was probably
the one helping Mrs
Peacock move the body.
Which they obviously did
to deflect the fact that
he was killed in the kitchen,
since it would have led
them straight to Mrs White.
SH
I really need to find you
a real case.
The motive and choice of
weapon were harder, but
I think I’ve figured them out
as well.
SH
Dr Black is obviously their
brother, making the motive
a dispute about inheritance.
The brother inherited it all,
while the sisters didn’t get
a thing. The candlestick
was a symbol of the heritance.
SH
So the siblings met in the
kitchen to argue about
money, and then she hit
him in the head?
Yes. Obviously.
SH
Why would Mrs Peacock
and Mrs White need to
infiltrate the house they
grew up in if Dr Black
invited his sisters anyway?
Hm. I haven’t thought
about that. I should look
into it.
SH
No. Don’t. I’m sending
you a real case right now.
Don’t bother. I need to
figure this out.
SH
Sigh.
-x-
Queen to C6. Check.
SH
And also mate.
SH
Really?
Yes.
SH
Change to Scrabble?
Fine.
SH
-x-
Vol. XVII - Travels.
Notes: The theme for this one was suggested by a_blackpanther a long, long time ago. Beta was my faithful sister in arms zedille. All chapters are to be found here.
Oh, and don’t try to follow the chess moves, they make close to no sense.
-x-
Pawn to E4.
SH
Why do you get to
play white again?
Because you never start.
SH
Fair enough.
Pawn to E5.
Knight to F3.
SH
Isn’t there a chess app
we could use?
I’m sure there is, but
where's the fun in that?
SH
It would be easier.
Yes, and where’s the
fun in that?
SH
I don’t see the point
of keeping the game
in our heads.
You just say that because
I always win.
SH
That’s not true.
You know it is.
SH
Knight to C6.
Didn’t we play this exact
game last time?
SH
You’re the one who always
starts with “pawn to E4”.
That doesn’t mean
you have to make the
same mistakes over
and over again.
SH
I think answering your
texts is the biggest
mistake I make every day.
King’s bishop to B5.
SH
Where was my knight again?
Figure it out. We’re not
using a chess app!
SH
-x-
I think John is trying
to kill me.
SH
It took him long enough.
He wants to drag me to
a poker night with
some of his friends
from Afghanistan.
SH
That’s sweet. He wants to
show you off to his mates.
It’s not sweet. He’s trying
to kill me!
SH
Bring me back a soldier.
Preferably one who looks
as good as yours.
John is not, in any way,
my soldier.
SH
He’s your doctor soldier.
You’re also trying to kill me.
SH
At least that would get you
out of playing poker.
That’s true.
SH
Be nice to John and play
poker with his friends.
Dull.
SH
Sherlock, do you even
know how to play poker?
No, because it’s not
relevant.
SH
If you ask John, I’m sure
he'll teach you.
You can play strip poker!
Can’t you create a national
crisis I could help you with?
SH
No.
-x-
Not having to shuffle
the deck and lay out
the cards has really
improved patience.
It’s still mind-numbingly
boring, and the element
of chance is too large for it
to be truly challenging.
SH
At the moment, I like mind-
numbing.
I would recommend
opiates over patience.
SH
Don’t do that.
I’m just saying, they’re
much more efficient
than cards.
SH
Just not quite as legal.
They should be.
SH
We’re not going to
legalise opiates.
No, I mean you should
make card games illegal.
SH
That sounds very prudish,
for some reason.
Couldn’t you throw birds at
pigs instead? I know John
likes that game.
SH
You think that’s better
than cards?
Not really, no.
SH
Then I’ll just stick to cards.
Suit yourself.
SH
-x-
Did you know I’ve solved
cases on every Monopoly
street except Bow Street?
SH
That’s disturbing.
John thought so too.
SH
They weren’t all murders,
were they?
No. For example, the
one on Pentonville Road
was a spectacular robbery.
SH
Lovely.
The layout is horrible, by
the way. Have those people
even been to London?
SH
It’s a board game. Not a map.
It’s still very annoying.
SH
I’ll promise to bring it up
the next time I meet with
Parliament.
-x-
Queen’s rook to F5.
Finally. I’d thought you
had forgotten about the
game. Bishop takes rook.
SH
For the love of….
Oh, and check.
SH
King to D8.
Isn’t this fun?
SH
Hilarious.
-x-
Cluedo is the most
ridiculous game in the
history of the world.
SH
Colonel Mustard in the
library with the rope?
That makes absolutely
no sense! Why would a
colonel use a rope? It’s
much more likely that
he’d use a revolver if
it were premeditated.
SH
I was right?
Of course not. Apparently
it was Mrs Peacock in the
kitchen with the candlestick.
That doesn’t make sense
either. What was she doing
in the kitchen? And why
did she bring the candlestick?
SH
And why did she carry
Dr Black to the cellar? I
don't think she’s physically
capable. She must have
had an accomplice.
SH
The only one with motive
was Dr Black. I would have
offed myself too if I were
stuck in a house with
these people.
SH
Didn’t anyone explain
the game to you before
you started, Sherlock?
It’s a ridiculous game!
SH
Did you lose?
No, I was the only one
who managed to present
a case that would hold
up in court.
SH
By saying the victim did it?
Yes.
SH
Oh, Sherlock.
-x-
Your brother told me
the Cluedo board is
nailed to the wall
with a knife?
It had it coming.
SH
Remind me to never
play Risk with you.
-x-
How about allowing
American spellings?
Why?
SH
Just for fun.
What could possibly
be fun in playing
American Scrabble?
SH
Cultural exchange.
And the real reason?
SH
I can spell “aluminum”.
Too bad it’s spelled
“aluminium”, then.
SH
Give me two days, and
I’ll change that.
Mycroft would never
let you desecrate the
English language like that.
SH
Oh, if you only knew half
the things he makes me
do to him. And the English
language.
Now I’m nauseous.
SH
So I can play aluminum?
No.
SH
-x-
I think Baker Street should
be a Monopoly street.
SH
I think poetry should still
be in the Olympics.
If you’re not going to
take this conversation
seriously, there’s no point
in having it.
SH
I hardly ever take our
conversations seriously,
Sherlock dear.
Now you have to make
Baker Street a Monopoly
street to make it up
to me.
SH
I don’t have ultimate
power, Sherlock. There
are things I can’t do.
Did it hurt to admit that?
SH
Yes.
-x-
Playing patience on
my phone wasn’t
what I had planed
for my Friday night.
What’s wrong?
SH
Why would anything
be wrong?
Because it’s the second
time you’ve started a
conversation about
patience.
SH
Easy deduction?
Ridiculously so.
SH
And I asked Mycroft.
SH
You asked your brother
why I was playing
patience?
I asked him what he had
done to make you
feel like you needed
to numb your brain.
SH
You care in such odd ways.
How’s your mum?
SH
They couldn’t say, but they
needed to take her back
to surgery.
Do you want me to
send over a blond army
doctor?
SH
I always want you to
send John to me.
Just return him when
you're done.
SH
You do know how this
sounds, right?
I think I will pretend
I don’t.
SH
Thank you, Sherlock.
I haven’t sent John yet.
SH
Not for that. For making
me smile.
You’re welcome.
SH
-x-
Rook takes knight.
How?
SH
What do you mean “how”?
Like you normally take
pieces in chess.
But my remaining
knight is on C5, and
your rooks are on A4
and F6.
SH
Really?
Yes.
SH
I’m sure your knight’s
on F5, and my rook’s
on F8.
No.
SH
This is why you always
win. You cheat.
I don’t cheat.
SH
I don’t trust you.
It’s mutual.
SH
-x-
Should I take a boring
case on Bow Street just
to tick off the last
Monopoly street?
SH
Obviously, yes!
Then I’ll go back and
put murders on all
of them.
SH
When you say “put
murders", you mean
“solve murders”, right?
Yes, obviously.
SH
So murders are like hotels?
Except I don’t have
to solve four houses
before I can build one.
SH
I think the parallel got
lost somewhere.
Hm. Yes.
SH
Off you go, solve the
boring case!
-x-
I won’t play patience
any more.
I’m sorry.
SH
-x-
I think I’ve figured it out!
SH
What?
Why Mrs Peacock killed
Dr Black with the candlestick
in the kitchens and then
carried him to the stairs.
SH
What?
Cluedo! I’ve figured it out.
SH
If that’s what you’re doing
with your time, I think I
need to find you a proper
case to solve.
What threw me off at
first was the complete
lack of relationship between
the suspects and the
victim. There was no
logical reason for him
to invite any of them.
SH
Then I studied the pieces,
finding a striking
resemblance between
Mrs Peacock and Mrs
White. They’re obviously
sisters. Mrs White took
the position at Dr Black’s
to infiltrate the house.
SH
Mrs White was probably
the one helping Mrs
Peacock move the body.
Which they obviously did
to deflect the fact that
he was killed in the kitchen,
since it would have led
them straight to Mrs White.
SH
I really need to find you
a real case.
The motive and choice of
weapon were harder, but
I think I’ve figured them out
as well.
SH
Dr Black is obviously their
brother, making the motive
a dispute about inheritance.
The brother inherited it all,
while the sisters didn’t get
a thing. The candlestick
was a symbol of the heritance.
SH
So the siblings met in the
kitchen to argue about
money, and then she hit
him in the head?
Yes. Obviously.
SH
Why would Mrs Peacock
and Mrs White need to
infiltrate the house they
grew up in if Dr Black
invited his sisters anyway?
Hm. I haven’t thought
about that. I should look
into it.
SH
No. Don’t. I’m sending
you a real case right now.
Don’t bother. I need to
figure this out.
SH
Sigh.
-x-
Queen to C6. Check.
SH
And also mate.
SH
Really?
Yes.
SH
Change to Scrabble?
Fine.
SH
-x-
Vol. XVII - Travels.