Short Message Service Vol. VII - Christmas Special
Notes: This was prompted by the amazing realisation that Downton Abbey has a Christmas special coming. Should also be noted that this takes place in December 2010. The other parts can be found here.
Summary: Not!Anthea manages Christmas in the same way she helps run the country - efficiently and manipulatively.
Acknowledgement:
frayedshoelace does more wonderful things to this series than I think anyone understands, this time I think she saved it from moving too fast in the wrong direction. Thank you!
-x-
Is it within your
power to cancel
Christmas?
SH
Didn’t we
have this
conversation
last year?
And the year
before that.
Yes, and the
result was always
disappointing.
SH
I’m sorry to
say that I
haven’t been
promoted
to manage
religious holidays
yet.
Christmas is
hardly a religious
holiday.
SH
True.
So?
SH
Sorry, the
economy needs
the Christmas
shopping season.
Don’t blame
your incompetence
on the economy.
SH
Someone just
got moved
to the naughty
list.
So you’re filling
in for Father
Christmas now?
SH
No. I’m
his assistant.
Are you
saying Mycroft
is Santa? Because
I know that’s
not true.
SH
You do?
Yes, because
no matter what
fairy tale you
believe, Santa
Claus never
lived in London.
SH
Maybe that’s
what we want
you to think.
This is the strangest
conspiracy theory
I’ve ever heard of.
SH
I am the peacetime
propaganda minister,
remember?
Then use
your powers
for good and
cancel Christmas.
SH
What’s the magic
word?
Please.
SH
Sorry, the word
I was looking
for was ‘evanesco’.
Christmas is still on.
Now you’re just
being ridiculous.
SH
And you aren’t?
Would it surprise
you if I told you I’m
bored?
SH
Not at all, Sherlock.
-x-
Do I need
to get John a
Christmas
present?
Yes.
I figured. What
should I get him?
SH
That depends.
On what?
SH
On whether you’ve
fucked yet or not.
How vulgar.
SH
Oh, don’t be
such a prude!
I’m not a prude,
but you’re rather
crude.
SH
What a nice little
poem.
Yes, I do spend
my free time
butchering limericks
and haikus.
SH
I must say,
you do it well.
Thank you. What
should I get John?
SH
Well, have you
fucked yet?
Sorry, have you
made love yet?
I don’t see
why we ever
would.
SH
Oh, Sherlock.
Don’t ‘Oh,
Sherlock’ me.
I’d never take
him from you.
SH
I wish you would.
Why?
SH
Wouldn’t it
be wonderful
if one of us
weren’t married
to their work?
Have I missed
something? I
thought we
both liked our
marriages.
SH
I do.
I do too.
SH
Get John a
new kettle.
He has a kettle.
SH
You can always
blow it up
before Christmas.
That is a
possibility.
Thank you.
SH
You’re welcome.
Buy a new mug
as well.
-x-
What should
I get you from
your brother
this year?
Peace on
earth.
SH
Are you high?
Yes.
SH
Really?
Of course not.
SH
Are you sure?
Yes. John
makes sure of
it.
SH
I’ll arrange that
your brother
gets him
something nice.
That won’t be
necessary.
SH
Yes, it will. Do you
want anything
besides world peace?
There is this
scanning electron
microscope….
SH
How much?
That depends.
SH
That sounds
expensive.
The one I’m
looking at is
£ 57.000.
SH
That’s not
happening.
There are
cheaper ones.
SH
I have a feeling
we can’t fit any
of those into
our budget either.
Perhaps Bart’s
could get one?
SH
More plausible,
but don’t count
on it.
A private box
at the Royal Albert
Hall will be fine.
SH
That’s what I’ve
been getting you from
your brother since
I started. Where
is your originality?
But I like my box.
SH
Fine.
-x-
I got your gift
today. Thank you.
You’re welcome.
Don’t open it
until Christmas.
SH
That’s what you
do. Not me.
I don’t know
what you’re
talking about.
SH
-x-
Do you want
me to buy a
gift from you
for your brother?
No, thank you.
I’m managing on
my own this year.
SH
Is John forcing
you?
Yes.
SH
What are you
getting him?
An exploding
umbrella.
SH
-x-
I kissed John.
SH
That’s all I wanted
for Christmas!
That’s quite sad,
but don’t get your
hopes up. Mrs
Hudson put
up some mistletoe,
and who are we
to refuse her?
SH
Oh, Sherlock. You
sentimental ball
of fluffy Christmas
spirit.
Be quiet.
SH
For that, I think I’ll
get Mrs Hudson
a pair of diamond
earrings.
She’d prefer
a necklace.
SH
Maybe you should
buy her a necklace
then.
John has taken
care of that.
SH
That man is
amazing.
Quite.
SH
Kiss him again.
Don’t get
carried away.
SH
-x-
I’ve blown up
the kettle now.
SH
God. That wasn’t
a serious suggestion.
Nevertheless, it
worked very well.
He suspects nothing.
SH
I feel I need to
apologise to John.
-x-
Your brother
wants to know
if he should add
your name on
the gift he
bought for your
parents.
Did he buy it,
or did you buy it?
SH
He wants to know if
I should add your
name on the
gift I bought
after he picked
it out.
That sounds
more believable.
SH
Shall I add
your name?
If you do,
does it mean I
agree to spend
Christmas
with them?
SH
You’ll have to do
that anyway.
I’m a grown
man!
SH
So?
Fine. Put my
name on the gift.
SH
Done. The car
will pick you
up at 17:15 on
the 23rd.
No.
SH
Yes.
No.
SH
You know I’ll
win.
I promised
John I’d spend
Christmas Eve
with him.
SH
The car will
pick you up
early on the
25th.
-x-
You’re not
spending
today with John,
are you?
No, I’m sorry.
He’s with Harry.
SH
I’m going to
get you, Sherlock
Holmes! No one
who fools me goes
unpunished.
Are you going to
tell on me?
SH
No, that would be
too easy.
I have to spend
three days with
my family. That is
punishment
enough.
SH
Don’t be too sure.
How was your
flight?
SH
The in-flight WiFi
made it far less
relaxing than usual.
You love working.
SH
I do.
Don’t forget to
use sunblock.
SH
Worried I’ll get
melanoma?
Well, yes. I’m
sure you have the
statistics on
melanoma in
Australia.
SH
I do. We English
are not built for
that much sun,
are we?
No. Use sunblock.
SH
I will.
That’s all I’m
asking.
SH
-x-
Merry Christmas.
No, it’s not.
SH
Cheer up.
Not likely.
SH
Full of Christmas
spirit, aren’t we?
I’m a bubbling
bundle of joy.
SH
As always.
Drinking umbrella
drinks on the beach?
SH
Close. White wine on
a roof terrace.
Christmasy, isn't it?
Not really. More
than what I’m doing
though.
SH
I’m sure it’s not
that bad.
I’m sure you’re wrong.
SH
I’m never wrong.
-x-
Are you trying
to tell me
something?
SH
Opened the gift,
have we?
Yes.
SH
Do you like it?
That depends.
SH
On what?
On what you are
trying to tell me.
SH
Oh, Sherlock. Isn’t
it obvious?
Not really.
SH
You need to
practise. I’m
getting tired of
winning.
Don’t be absurd.
SH
I’m never absurd,
I’m always fabulous.
I like the brooch, by the
way.
Have you figured
out that you can open
it?
SH
Yes, of course. How
could I have
missed that?
Nothing says
Merry Christmas
like a secret place to
put poison.
I would
recommend
powders
over liquids.
SH
Isn’t this
redundant, since
you gave him
an exploding
umbrella?
It gave him
non-explosive
cufflinks. This
was my back-up
plan.
SH
Sneaky.
I guess you could
keep a caffeine pill
there, if you don’t
want to kill Mycroft.
SH
I don’t think it’s
big enough.
It is. I’ve checked.
SH
You’re sweet, in
your own odd way.
You too, I guess.
SH
You guess? You
never guess.
Are you being
difficult on purpose?
SH
Always. Now, take
the Scrabble I got
you, and go play
with your brother.
That would just
make your Christmas,
wouldn’t it?
SH
It would.
-x-
Vol. VIII - New Year's
Summary: Not!Anthea manages Christmas in the same way she helps run the country - efficiently and manipulatively.
Acknowledgement:
frayedshoelace does more wonderful things to this series than I think anyone understands, this time I think she saved it from moving too fast in the wrong direction. Thank you!
-x-
Is it within your
power to cancel
Christmas?
SH
Didn’t we
have this
conversation
last year?
And the year
before that.
Yes, and the
result was always
disappointing.
SH
I’m sorry to
say that I
haven’t been
promoted
to manage
religious holidays
yet.
Christmas is
hardly a religious
holiday.
SH
True.
So?
SH
Sorry, the
economy needs
the Christmas
shopping season.
Don’t blame
your incompetence
on the economy.
SH
Someone just
got moved
to the naughty
list.
So you’re filling
in for Father
Christmas now?
SH
No. I’m
his assistant.
Are you
saying Mycroft
is Santa? Because
I know that’s
not true.
SH
You do?
Yes, because
no matter what
fairy tale you
believe, Santa
Claus never
lived in London.
SH
Maybe that’s
what we want
you to think.
This is the strangest
conspiracy theory
I’ve ever heard of.
SH
I am the peacetime
propaganda minister,
remember?
Then use
your powers
for good and
cancel Christmas.
SH
What’s the magic
word?
Please.
SH
Sorry, the word
I was looking
for was ‘evanesco’.
Christmas is still on.
Now you’re just
being ridiculous.
SH
And you aren’t?
Would it surprise
you if I told you I’m
bored?
SH
Not at all, Sherlock.
-x-
Do I need
to get John a
Christmas
present?
Yes.
I figured. What
should I get him?
SH
That depends.
On what?
SH
On whether you’ve
fucked yet or not.
How vulgar.
SH
Oh, don’t be
such a prude!
I’m not a prude,
but you’re rather
crude.
SH
What a nice little
poem.
Yes, I do spend
my free time
butchering limericks
and haikus.
SH
I must say,
you do it well.
Thank you. What
should I get John?
SH
Well, have you
fucked yet?
Sorry, have you
made love yet?
I don’t see
why we ever
would.
SH
Oh, Sherlock.
Don’t ‘Oh,
Sherlock’ me.
I’d never take
him from you.
SH
I wish you would.
Why?
SH
Wouldn’t it
be wonderful
if one of us
weren’t married
to their work?
Have I missed
something? I
thought we
both liked our
marriages.
SH
I do.
I do too.
SH
Get John a
new kettle.
He has a kettle.
SH
You can always
blow it up
before Christmas.
That is a
possibility.
Thank you.
SH
You’re welcome.
Buy a new mug
as well.
-x-
What should
I get you from
your brother
this year?
Peace on
earth.
SH
Are you high?
Yes.
SH
Really?
Of course not.
SH
Are you sure?
Yes. John
makes sure of
it.
SH
I’ll arrange that
your brother
gets him
something nice.
That won’t be
necessary.
SH
Yes, it will. Do you
want anything
besides world peace?
There is this
scanning electron
microscope….
SH
How much?
That depends.
SH
That sounds
expensive.
The one I’m
looking at is
£ 57.000.
SH
That’s not
happening.
There are
cheaper ones.
SH
I have a feeling
we can’t fit any
of those into
our budget either.
Perhaps Bart’s
could get one?
SH
More plausible,
but don’t count
on it.
A private box
at the Royal Albert
Hall will be fine.
SH
That’s what I’ve
been getting you from
your brother since
I started. Where
is your originality?
But I like my box.
SH
Fine.
-x-
I got your gift
today. Thank you.
You’re welcome.
Don’t open it
until Christmas.
SH
That’s what you
do. Not me.
I don’t know
what you’re
talking about.
SH
-x-
Do you want
me to buy a
gift from you
for your brother?
No, thank you.
I’m managing on
my own this year.
SH
Is John forcing
you?
Yes.
SH
What are you
getting him?
An exploding
umbrella.
SH
-x-
I kissed John.
SH
That’s all I wanted
for Christmas!
That’s quite sad,
but don’t get your
hopes up. Mrs
Hudson put
up some mistletoe,
and who are we
to refuse her?
SH
Oh, Sherlock. You
sentimental ball
of fluffy Christmas
spirit.
Be quiet.
SH
For that, I think I’ll
get Mrs Hudson
a pair of diamond
earrings.
She’d prefer
a necklace.
SH
Maybe you should
buy her a necklace
then.
John has taken
care of that.
SH
That man is
amazing.
Quite.
SH
Kiss him again.
Don’t get
carried away.
SH
-x-
I’ve blown up
the kettle now.
SH
God. That wasn’t
a serious suggestion.
Nevertheless, it
worked very well.
He suspects nothing.
SH
I feel I need to
apologise to John.
-x-
Your brother
wants to know
if he should add
your name on
the gift he
bought for your
parents.
Did he buy it,
or did you buy it?
SH
He wants to know if
I should add your
name on the
gift I bought
after he picked
it out.
That sounds
more believable.
SH
Shall I add
your name?
If you do,
does it mean I
agree to spend
Christmas
with them?
SH
You’ll have to do
that anyway.
I’m a grown
man!
SH
So?
Fine. Put my
name on the gift.
SH
Done. The car
will pick you
up at 17:15 on
the 23rd.
No.
SH
Yes.
No.
SH
You know I’ll
win.
I promised
John I’d spend
Christmas Eve
with him.
SH
The car will
pick you up
early on the
25th.
-x-
You’re not
spending
today with John,
are you?
No, I’m sorry.
He’s with Harry.
SH
I’m going to
get you, Sherlock
Holmes! No one
who fools me goes
unpunished.
Are you going to
tell on me?
SH
No, that would be
too easy.
I have to spend
three days with
my family. That is
punishment
enough.
SH
Don’t be too sure.
How was your
flight?
SH
The in-flight WiFi
made it far less
relaxing than usual.
You love working.
SH
I do.
Don’t forget to
use sunblock.
SH
Worried I’ll get
melanoma?
Well, yes. I’m
sure you have the
statistics on
melanoma in
Australia.
SH
I do. We English
are not built for
that much sun,
are we?
No. Use sunblock.
SH
I will.
That’s all I’m
asking.
SH
-x-
Merry Christmas.
No, it’s not.
SH
Cheer up.
Not likely.
SH
Full of Christmas
spirit, aren’t we?
I’m a bubbling
bundle of joy.
SH
As always.
Drinking umbrella
drinks on the beach?
SH
Close. White wine on
a roof terrace.
Christmasy, isn't it?
Not really. More
than what I’m doing
though.
SH
I’m sure it’s not
that bad.
I’m sure you’re wrong.
SH
I’m never wrong.
-x-
Are you trying
to tell me
something?
SH
Opened the gift,
have we?
Yes.
SH
Do you like it?
That depends.
SH
On what?
On what you are
trying to tell me.
SH
Oh, Sherlock. Isn’t
it obvious?
Not really.
SH
You need to
practise. I’m
getting tired of
winning.
Don’t be absurd.
SH
I’m never absurd,
I’m always fabulous.
I like the brooch, by the
way.
Have you figured
out that you can open
it?
SH
Yes, of course. How
could I have
missed that?
Nothing says
Merry Christmas
like a secret place to
put poison.
I would
recommend
powders
over liquids.
SH
Isn’t this
redundant, since
you gave him
an exploding
umbrella?
It gave him
non-explosive
cufflinks. This
was my back-up
plan.
SH
Sneaky.
I guess you could
keep a caffeine pill
there, if you don’t
want to kill Mycroft.
SH
I don’t think it’s
big enough.
It is. I’ve checked.
SH
You’re sweet, in
your own odd way.
You too, I guess.
SH
You guess? You
never guess.
Are you being
difficult on purpose?
SH
Always. Now, take
the Scrabble I got
you, and go play
with your brother.
That would just
make your Christmas,
wouldn’t it?
SH
It would.
-x-
Vol. VIII - New Year's