Short Message Service Vol. II - aka Sexting
Notes: Oyes, I’m this bored! Find all volumes here.
Summary: Sherlock and not!Anthea engage in a disturbing form of sexting.
Acknowledgement: Many thanks to
frayedshoelace for being my beta.
***
Just to make it
clear: you were the
one standing next to
my poor excuse for
a brother yesterday?
SH
I’ve never met your
brother.
Oh ha ha ha.
SH
I find it fascinating
how you have a
compulsive need to
sign your texts.
It’s not compulsive.
SH
Your brother does the
same thing.
I thought you hadn’t
met my brother.
SH
Nine hours ago you had
never seen me.
So it was you.
SH
What if I was the one
putting a blanket on you?
You would never!
SH
You make it sound like
I don’t care about you.
Do you?
SH
You know that.
Sometimes I think
you just like me for
my chromosomes.
SH
They are hot! My God!
A woman can take
just so much.
You’re an idiot.
SH
My IQ is higher than
yours.
How very pedestrian.
SH
It’s just the truth.
Do you have any
proof for this absurd
statement?
SH
Besides both of our IQ-
test scores? How about
every game of Scrabble we’ve
ever played?
I’m a victim of a poor
random generator and
can’t be judged by the
letters a phone app is
giving me.
SH
You just keep telling
yourself that luv.
Luv?
SH
No, it didn’t feel right
for me either.
Good.
SH
It was me.
Was that so hard
to admit?
SH
No, but this was more
fun. Like what you saw?
Married to my work.
SH
Such a me-wannabe.
Am not.
SH
And he’s four years old!
Am not.
SH
Go to bed!
I thought I saw a
dominatrix in you.
SH
Should I come over
and spank you?
You just want an
excuse to see John now
when he doesn’t have
a limp. Shallow woman!
SH
Would never do that.
His chromosomes
are not as hot as yours.
And your brother's. God!
His genome is sexy as fuck.
My brain just exploded.
SH
Was that the only thing
exploding?
What?
SH
You’re in bed, thinking
about me and MY hot
chromosomes. BOOM!
I don’t follow.
SH
You’re a clever boy.
You’ll figure it out.
Are you suggesting
I’m using you as a
masturbatory fantasy?
SH
Don’t deny it.
Wouldn’t that borderline
rape?
SH
No.
Wank away.
This is uncomfortable.
SH
Then you’re doing it
wrong.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
SH
-x-
Anthea? Really?
SH
What?
The name you
gave John when
he asked.
SH
Oh. That.
So why Anthea?
SH
I was texting you,
it just popped into
my head.
What is your name?
SH
It took you a year to
figure out my gender.
Why do you think I’d
just tell you that?
I can just ask Mycroft.
SH
I’d like to see how that
turns out.
You don’t believe I will?
SH
I don’t think it’s important
enough to you that you
would speak to him.
It or you?
SH
It. I know you love me.
Pride is a sin.
SH
Not when you do it right.
Does Mycroft know your
name?
SH
Of course he does. How
else would he know what
to shout in bed?
If you’re screwing my
brother I’ll never speak
to you again.
SH
Technically, we’ve never
spoken.
So you don’t deny it?
SH
Riding him as we text.
Call Lestrade, shot fired
at 221B Baker Street. Brain
substance on the wall.
SH
Keep texting, the vibration
is amazing.
Fuck you.
SH
Yes I am.
Brain substance all over
the wall.
SH
Or semen?
If I were getting off at
the thought of my friend
riding my brother I’d
need to be admitted.
SH
Why would you think
about Dr Watson
riding my boss?
Gah! Mental images
be gone!
SH
And you say you’re
not a compulsive
signer.
You broke my
brain.
SH
Ask John to put a
bandage on it when
he’s finished.
Or when your brother
finishes.
You’re truly terrible.
SH
-x-
Can you make
Mycroft look away
for a week or two?
SH
Migraine.
That’s two days too
early.
SH
Tell that to my head
and uterus.
Are you okay?
SH
No.
Anything I can do?
SH
Stop texting.
-x-
Feeling better?
SH
Yes. Thank you.
You know, you
can always get an
hysterectomy.
SH
Women really aren’t
your area.
So that’s a no?
SH
Don’t pretend to
be stupider than you
are.
Can you make
Mycroft look away
for a week or two?
SH
Why?
If I tell you, I’d
have to kill you and
that would be a
waste.
SH
With an exploding
umbrella? Please,
you’d never manage
to kill me.
Challenge?
SH
Observation. But
please try.
Watch your tea.
SH
Tea is for wimps!
Well, coffee then.
SH
You’ll never get
close to my coffee.
We’ll see.
SH
So that’s a no
on distracting Mycroft?
SH
You catch more flies
with honey than with
death threats.
Oh well.
SH
-x-
I hate you.
What?
SH
Don’t play innocent!
I don’t understand
what you’re talking
about.
SH
My coffee.
No? Did something
happen to it?
SH
It’s decaf! I hate you.
Don’t blame me. It
must have been
Mycroft.
SH
I can play dirty too.
I’m so scared.
SH
You should be.
-x-
You’ve ruined my
brain!
SH
Been there, done that.
I’m scratching my
eyes out as we text.
SH
And people say men
can’t multitask.
How did you even
get that picture?
SH
No, don’t tell me!
SH
Yes please tell me!
SH
Magician and their
tricks you know.
This can’t be real.
You must have
photoshopped it.
SH
You can ask John to
authenticate it.
Is it John’s!?
SH
Well, I guess you
can say that it is.
In a matter of
speaking.
John has not seen
that part of Mycroft!
SH
Are you sure?
I’m the world’s
only consulting
detective! Of course
I am!
SH
Blah, blah, blah. I’m
the woman behind the
man who, according to
you I might add, IS the
government. And I
render your argument
invalid.
Well at least I see
where he got the “minor
position” part.
SH
Studies show that
partners of men with
small cocks are more
satisfied sexually than
partners of men with
large ones.
Who does that sort
of study?
SH
A man with a smaller-
than-average penis I
would presume.
Is that what he spends
taxpayer money on?
SH
Damn you! Now I got
coffee all over my phone!
Serves you right.
SH
Truce?
Yes please.
SH
***
Vol. III - aka Bored.
Summary: Sherlock and not!Anthea engage in a disturbing form of sexting.
Acknowledgement: Many thanks to
frayedshoelace for being my beta.
***
Just to make it
clear: you were the
one standing next to
my poor excuse for
a brother yesterday?
SH
I’ve never met your
brother.
Oh ha ha ha.
SH
I find it fascinating
how you have a
compulsive need to
sign your texts.
It’s not compulsive.
SH
Your brother does the
same thing.
I thought you hadn’t
met my brother.
SH
Nine hours ago you had
never seen me.
So it was you.
SH
What if I was the one
putting a blanket on you?
You would never!
SH
You make it sound like
I don’t care about you.
Do you?
SH
You know that.
Sometimes I think
you just like me for
my chromosomes.
SH
They are hot! My God!
A woman can take
just so much.
You’re an idiot.
SH
My IQ is higher than
yours.
How very pedestrian.
SH
It’s just the truth.
Do you have any
proof for this absurd
statement?
SH
Besides both of our IQ-
test scores? How about
every game of Scrabble we’ve
ever played?
I’m a victim of a poor
random generator and
can’t be judged by the
letters a phone app is
giving me.
SH
You just keep telling
yourself that luv.
Luv?
SH
No, it didn’t feel right
for me either.
Good.
SH
It was me.
Was that so hard
to admit?
SH
No, but this was more
fun. Like what you saw?
Married to my work.
SH
Such a me-wannabe.
Am not.
SH
And he’s four years old!
Am not.
SH
Go to bed!
I thought I saw a
dominatrix in you.
SH
Should I come over
and spank you?
You just want an
excuse to see John now
when he doesn’t have
a limp. Shallow woman!
SH
Would never do that.
His chromosomes
are not as hot as yours.
And your brother's. God!
His genome is sexy as fuck.
My brain just exploded.
SH
Was that the only thing
exploding?
What?
SH
You’re in bed, thinking
about me and MY hot
chromosomes. BOOM!
I don’t follow.
SH
You’re a clever boy.
You’ll figure it out.
Are you suggesting
I’m using you as a
masturbatory fantasy?
SH
Don’t deny it.
Wouldn’t that borderline
rape?
SH
No.
Wank away.
This is uncomfortable.
SH
Then you’re doing it
wrong.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
SH
-x-
Anthea? Really?
SH
What?
The name you
gave John when
he asked.
SH
Oh. That.
So why Anthea?
SH
I was texting you,
it just popped into
my head.
What is your name?
SH
It took you a year to
figure out my gender.
Why do you think I’d
just tell you that?
I can just ask Mycroft.
SH
I’d like to see how that
turns out.
You don’t believe I will?
SH
I don’t think it’s important
enough to you that you
would speak to him.
It or you?
SH
It. I know you love me.
Pride is a sin.
SH
Not when you do it right.
Does Mycroft know your
name?
SH
Of course he does. How
else would he know what
to shout in bed?
If you’re screwing my
brother I’ll never speak
to you again.
SH
Technically, we’ve never
spoken.
So you don’t deny it?
SH
Riding him as we text.
Call Lestrade, shot fired
at 221B Baker Street. Brain
substance on the wall.
SH
Keep texting, the vibration
is amazing.
Fuck you.
SH
Yes I am.
Brain substance all over
the wall.
SH
Or semen?
If I were getting off at
the thought of my friend
riding my brother I’d
need to be admitted.
SH
Why would you think
about Dr Watson
riding my boss?
Gah! Mental images
be gone!
SH
And you say you’re
not a compulsive
signer.
You broke my
brain.
SH
Ask John to put a
bandage on it when
he’s finished.
Or when your brother
finishes.
You’re truly terrible.
SH
-x-
Can you make
Mycroft look away
for a week or two?
SH
Migraine.
That’s two days too
early.
SH
Tell that to my head
and uterus.
Are you okay?
SH
No.
Anything I can do?
SH
Stop texting.
-x-
Feeling better?
SH
Yes. Thank you.
You know, you
can always get an
hysterectomy.
SH
Women really aren’t
your area.
So that’s a no?
SH
Don’t pretend to
be stupider than you
are.
Can you make
Mycroft look away
for a week or two?
SH
Why?
If I tell you, I’d
have to kill you and
that would be a
waste.
SH
With an exploding
umbrella? Please,
you’d never manage
to kill me.
Challenge?
SH
Observation. But
please try.
Watch your tea.
SH
Tea is for wimps!
Well, coffee then.
SH
You’ll never get
close to my coffee.
We’ll see.
SH
So that’s a no
on distracting Mycroft?
SH
You catch more flies
with honey than with
death threats.
Oh well.
SH
-x-
I hate you.
What?
SH
Don’t play innocent!
I don’t understand
what you’re talking
about.
SH
My coffee.
No? Did something
happen to it?
SH
It’s decaf! I hate you.
Don’t blame me. It
must have been
Mycroft.
SH
I can play dirty too.
I’m so scared.
SH
You should be.
-x-
You’ve ruined my
brain!
SH
Been there, done that.
I’m scratching my
eyes out as we text.
SH
And people say men
can’t multitask.
How did you even
get that picture?
SH
No, don’t tell me!
SH
Yes please tell me!
SH
Magician and their
tricks you know.
This can’t be real.
You must have
photoshopped it.
SH
You can ask John to
authenticate it.
Is it John’s!?
SH
Well, I guess you
can say that it is.
In a matter of
speaking.
John has not seen
that part of Mycroft!
SH
Are you sure?
I’m the world’s
only consulting
detective! Of course
I am!
SH
Blah, blah, blah. I’m
the woman behind the
man who, according to
you I might add, IS the
government. And I
render your argument
invalid.
Well at least I see
where he got the “minor
position” part.
SH
Studies show that
partners of men with
small cocks are more
satisfied sexually than
partners of men with
large ones.
Who does that sort
of study?
SH
A man with a smaller-
than-average penis I
would presume.
Is that what he spends
taxpayer money on?
SH
Damn you! Now I got
coffee all over my phone!
Serves you right.
SH
Truce?
Yes please.
SH
***
Vol. III - aka Bored.