lost fic: oceans swallow you whole (desmond/sayid)
oceans swallow you whole
sayid. desmond/sayid (bits of desmond/penny, sayid/nadia)
1,137 words. pg-13.
he can't ignore that some things will always linger between them. set during the oceanic-six's off island adventures. slightly au. lostsquee luau fic for zelda_zee who requested sayid.
Nadia dies.
The day they ship her body back to Iraq Sayid gets a postcard from Desmond. Sayid doesn't travel with her. Instead, he finds Our Mutual Friend docked in the Philippines.
It's against the rules - those idle words Jack laid out that lie thick between them all. It's foolish to believe that distance will keep them safe. Sayid always knew that.
Desmond doesn't look surprised to see him whenever he does show up, and he does a lot. After the third visit, Desmond had said, 'you need a hobby' and his grin was wide. Sayid had narrowed his eyes in concentration and said nothing.
Nadia dies and the first place Sayid thinks to go is Desmond's.
There's a reason - always is - for it.
---
Desmond broke them first - the rules that is.
When Sayid married Nadia, Desmond was the only one from the island to show up.
"I thought you were supposed to be staying out of sight." Sayid said.
Desmond shrugged, didn't answer, but smiled his brightest smile when he met Nadia. They clicked right away, and it worried Sayid, but then, Desmond was always charming and Sayid would always feel uneasy when it showed. The open ended invitation for them to join him and Penny on the boat were his parting words to Nadia who clung to the whimsy of sailing.
Sayid hates the ocean, would rather stay rooted to land his entire life, but he nods. Desmond rarely touches land and there's history there he cannot let go of.
---
Later, Nadia would hang Desmond's postcards on the bulletin board next to the fridge. He would send them from all over the world, always unsigned. They took Desmond up on his offer a few times and it went well enough.
Penny was growing more and more pregnant each time they saw her and Nadia could not contain the longing in her eyes. Sayid's hand sometimes itched for a gun then. He wondered what that said about him.
This was what most people lived for.
---
Nadia dies and Sayid feels something more than broken, something less than devastated and he does not know how to cope, how to fit together the pieces.
Desmond and Sayid sit on the deck of the boat and watch the stars appear. It's a warm night. Penny sleeps through it, still recovering from a very natural birth. Desmond holds his newborn son, and Sayid wonders if the world was always this balanced.
Desmond doesn't say much, doesn't offer much condolence. Maybe he knows it's not what Sayid wants or needs. Instead they sit and watch and somewhere around two a.m. Desmond drifts off with his son curled against his chest, and Sayid thinks that's what luck must look like.
Sayid's ring weighs heavy against his finger.
By morning when Desmond wakes, it's at the bottom of the ocean and he is long gone.
---
Sayid takes Desmond's advice about hobbies after Nadia dies, takes Ben's offer.
He misses a patch of blood on the bottom corner of his shirt the next time he visits them - somewhere off the coast of Morocco. Desmond eyes it until the gears click into place.
"Not exactly what I meant," Desmond mutters and then he looks over his shoulder, suddenly afraid.
Sayid knows this fear's not directed at him.
Sayid knows things. More things than he ever meant to know. They never explain anything big, but they prove him right. Safety was always an illusion.
"It's the only hobby I have ever known," Sayid says.
Desmond looks like he's got something important to counter with but he lets it die between them. He takes another sip of his beer instead, and Sayid wishes that just once Desmond wasn't so mindful of Sayid's feelings.
---
Above all, Sayid remembers cramped spaces and close quarters. They never really talked about it. That wasn't how things happened or how things progressed. But Sayid was aware of the photo Desmond carried in his pocket. He had one too somewhere. This was never about that.
Sometimes Sayid didn't bring Nadia. Sometimes he shows up and Penelope is gone. Sometimes, it drives him mad - worse than cabin fever - the sound of quiet drawn out breathing, a constant reminder that it's just them.
Sayid can shut his eyes all he wants but sometimes he can't ignore that some things will always linger between them.
---
"I know why you chose me."
This is after Elsa. Ben pretends he doesn't hear.
---
Once it's just him and Penelope. This is later, when Charlie is learning to walk and Desmond tugs him along through little villages.
Penny makes him tea, lets him into her home and doesn't blink at the sight of the gun pressed against his hip.
Sayid never remembers the faces of the people he kills. He only remembers their names. He counts them before bed, prays for them, calls himself hypocrite - it helps him sleep at night. Someday he'll be a name on someone's list. That much has always been true.
Penny makes him tea and makes him laugh for the first time in years, and Sayid can't imagine forgetting her now.
Now isn't the time, but the end game is still clear.
---
Desmond has been warned about Benjamin Linus. He also knows that Sayid isn't working for just anyone. Desmond still doesn't turn him away. Maybe he knows him too well. Maybe he trusts him.
Desmond pretends to be confident around him, lets himself stand too close, let touches linger and hands brush and pretends it's nothing unordinary. Sayid sees through it, sees the conflict and the guilt in his eyes.
He knows it well.
Trust is a dangerous thing.
---
"I know why you chose me." Sayid's fourth try to engage. By now, Penny's face falls in and out of his dreams.
Ben huffs out a little annoyed breath. "It's one of many reasons."
"It is the only one that mattered," Sayid says, and Ben's smokescreens aren't quick enough. Ben hands him a folder and Sayid pretends none of this happened.
Sayid kills one more man, one more name for his list and then, walks away.
Ben doesn't bother going after him.
---
Sayid watches a pair of boats shrink over the horizon. He waits a whole week before showing up. "I think I need a new hobby."
Desmond lets him sit first, waits until he's curled his fist around the neck of his beer bottle. He doesn't drink but it's something to hold onto.
"I'm sorry," Desmond murmurs and then sighs. Like everything else, the words have no direction. "There's always this."
Desmond laughs then and something loosens in Sayid's chest.
He wishes it could be this easy.
---
This is much later. Desmond smiles up from the well. old habits, right?
Sayid finally drops the gun.
sayid. desmond/sayid (bits of desmond/penny, sayid/nadia)
1,137 words. pg-13.
he can't ignore that some things will always linger between them. set during the oceanic-six's off island adventures. slightly au. lostsquee luau fic for zelda_zee who requested sayid.
Nadia dies.
The day they ship her body back to Iraq Sayid gets a postcard from Desmond. Sayid doesn't travel with her. Instead, he finds Our Mutual Friend docked in the Philippines.
It's against the rules - those idle words Jack laid out that lie thick between them all. It's foolish to believe that distance will keep them safe. Sayid always knew that.
Desmond doesn't look surprised to see him whenever he does show up, and he does a lot. After the third visit, Desmond had said, 'you need a hobby' and his grin was wide. Sayid had narrowed his eyes in concentration and said nothing.
Nadia dies and the first place Sayid thinks to go is Desmond's.
There's a reason - always is - for it.
---
Desmond broke them first - the rules that is.
When Sayid married Nadia, Desmond was the only one from the island to show up.
"I thought you were supposed to be staying out of sight." Sayid said.
Desmond shrugged, didn't answer, but smiled his brightest smile when he met Nadia. They clicked right away, and it worried Sayid, but then, Desmond was always charming and Sayid would always feel uneasy when it showed. The open ended invitation for them to join him and Penny on the boat were his parting words to Nadia who clung to the whimsy of sailing.
Sayid hates the ocean, would rather stay rooted to land his entire life, but he nods. Desmond rarely touches land and there's history there he cannot let go of.
---
Later, Nadia would hang Desmond's postcards on the bulletin board next to the fridge. He would send them from all over the world, always unsigned. They took Desmond up on his offer a few times and it went well enough.
Penny was growing more and more pregnant each time they saw her and Nadia could not contain the longing in her eyes. Sayid's hand sometimes itched for a gun then. He wondered what that said about him.
This was what most people lived for.
---
Nadia dies and Sayid feels something more than broken, something less than devastated and he does not know how to cope, how to fit together the pieces.
Desmond and Sayid sit on the deck of the boat and watch the stars appear. It's a warm night. Penny sleeps through it, still recovering from a very natural birth. Desmond holds his newborn son, and Sayid wonders if the world was always this balanced.
Desmond doesn't say much, doesn't offer much condolence. Maybe he knows it's not what Sayid wants or needs. Instead they sit and watch and somewhere around two a.m. Desmond drifts off with his son curled against his chest, and Sayid thinks that's what luck must look like.
Sayid's ring weighs heavy against his finger.
By morning when Desmond wakes, it's at the bottom of the ocean and he is long gone.
---
Sayid takes Desmond's advice about hobbies after Nadia dies, takes Ben's offer.
He misses a patch of blood on the bottom corner of his shirt the next time he visits them - somewhere off the coast of Morocco. Desmond eyes it until the gears click into place.
"Not exactly what I meant," Desmond mutters and then he looks over his shoulder, suddenly afraid.
Sayid knows this fear's not directed at him.
Sayid knows things. More things than he ever meant to know. They never explain anything big, but they prove him right. Safety was always an illusion.
"It's the only hobby I have ever known," Sayid says.
Desmond looks like he's got something important to counter with but he lets it die between them. He takes another sip of his beer instead, and Sayid wishes that just once Desmond wasn't so mindful of Sayid's feelings.
---
Above all, Sayid remembers cramped spaces and close quarters. They never really talked about it. That wasn't how things happened or how things progressed. But Sayid was aware of the photo Desmond carried in his pocket. He had one too somewhere. This was never about that.
Sometimes Sayid didn't bring Nadia. Sometimes he shows up and Penelope is gone. Sometimes, it drives him mad - worse than cabin fever - the sound of quiet drawn out breathing, a constant reminder that it's just them.
Sayid can shut his eyes all he wants but sometimes he can't ignore that some things will always linger between them.
---
"I know why you chose me."
This is after Elsa. Ben pretends he doesn't hear.
---
Once it's just him and Penelope. This is later, when Charlie is learning to walk and Desmond tugs him along through little villages.
Penny makes him tea, lets him into her home and doesn't blink at the sight of the gun pressed against his hip.
Sayid never remembers the faces of the people he kills. He only remembers their names. He counts them before bed, prays for them, calls himself hypocrite - it helps him sleep at night. Someday he'll be a name on someone's list. That much has always been true.
Penny makes him tea and makes him laugh for the first time in years, and Sayid can't imagine forgetting her now.
Now isn't the time, but the end game is still clear.
---
Desmond has been warned about Benjamin Linus. He also knows that Sayid isn't working for just anyone. Desmond still doesn't turn him away. Maybe he knows him too well. Maybe he trusts him.
Desmond pretends to be confident around him, lets himself stand too close, let touches linger and hands brush and pretends it's nothing unordinary. Sayid sees through it, sees the conflict and the guilt in his eyes.
He knows it well.
Trust is a dangerous thing.
---
"I know why you chose me." Sayid's fourth try to engage. By now, Penny's face falls in and out of his dreams.
Ben huffs out a little annoyed breath. "It's one of many reasons."
"It is the only one that mattered," Sayid says, and Ben's smokescreens aren't quick enough. Ben hands him a folder and Sayid pretends none of this happened.
Sayid kills one more man, one more name for his list and then, walks away.
Ben doesn't bother going after him.
---
Sayid watches a pair of boats shrink over the horizon. He waits a whole week before showing up. "I think I need a new hobby."
Desmond lets him sit first, waits until he's curled his fist around the neck of his beer bottle. He doesn't drink but it's something to hold onto.
"I'm sorry," Desmond murmurs and then sighs. Like everything else, the words have no direction. "There's always this."
Desmond laughs then and something loosens in Sayid's chest.
He wishes it could be this easy.
---
This is much later. Desmond smiles up from the well. old habits, right?
Sayid finally drops the gun.