In Which I Am Manic and Off-Putting, OR: Buzz, Buzz, Buzz
Upon the occasion of the U.S. cover finally going up on Amazon. Compare with the UK cover, seen here.
You may be looking at those covers and wondering what the benefits of buying Superpowers by David J. Schwartz (which comes out on June 5th in the UK and June 10th in the United States) might be. You may be thinking, "Gee, it seems like the economy is in a downturn, and I may have to limit my book-buying." You may be thinking, "I haven't read a book since I bought World of Warcraft." You may be hungry. You may be thinking about taking a vacation.
I would like to respond to these musings.
However, I would first like to state UP FRONT that Superpowers by David J. Schwartz does not contain dragons. Neither does it contain robots. I have no good excuse for this. I do, however, have a bad excuse: I was drinking, a lot, when I wrote this. (No, not dreaming. You're thinking of Prince.) So, when it came time to add in the dragons and the robots, I was busy arguing with Grover Cleveland about the gold standard. The fact that President Cleveland turned out to be a couch cushion is beside the point. I apologize to everyone for the dragon/robot deficit, and to my liver for all the drinking.
Superpowers by David J. Schwartz also does not contain elephants, a fact for which I apologize to myself.
Superpowers by David J. Schwartz does, however, contain:
- Underage drinking
- Premarital sex
- Conspiracy theories
- Head injuries
- Flying without the benefit of aircraft
- A car crash
- References to Stone Phillips
- Vigilantism
- Lasagna
- A young man named Jack Robinson who does things quicker than you can say "Jack Robinson"
If that does not convince you to pre-order Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, perhaps the following numbered list will do the job (NOTE: if you have already pre-ordered Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, please stop reading now):
The Benefits of Buying Superpowers by David J. Schwartz (Either Through Pre-Order or By Speaking to Someone Helpful at Your Local Bookstore)
1. Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is colorful. You may find that waving Superpowers by David J. Schwartz about will distract small children. Be warned, however, that small children often have powerful grasps, and may seize Superpowers by David J. Schwartz in order to suck on it. Do not worry; this is unlikely to harm the text, as children have relatively small mouths and will be forced to suck on the corners of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, where nothing but the page numbers may be lost or damaged. (Please see point 4.)
2. Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is humorous. You may feel the urge to read certain hilarious passages to friends, co-workers, fellow train passengers, and small children. I urge you not to resist this urge. Your friends and co-workers will enjoy your enthusiasm and will not be at all annoyed, particularly if they have plans to read Superpowers by David J. Schwartz themselves. (A related note: please do not loan your copy of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz to your friends. That way they will have to buy their own, and my publishers will make more money, some of which they may decide to give to me if I cooperate.) You may notice your fellow train passengers moving away from you if you persistently read them passages from Superpowers by David J. Schwartz. This is not because they are not enjoying your recitations. On the contrary, they wish to improve the acoustics in your immediate vicinity. Please make an effort to project as you read. Finally, small children are known to have wonderful senses of humor, but you may wish to use discretion in which passages you choose to read them, especially if they are not your own children. You may wish to pretend to be reading from a copy of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, while ACTUALLY reading from a copy of Green Eggs and Ham, Goodnight Moon, or The New England Journal of Medicine which you have hidden between the pages of my book. Be sure to hold Superpowers by David J. Schwartz so that the cover is clearly visible; this way children will be prompted to ask for their own copy of this colorful volume. (You will obviously be unable to lend them your copy because of the need for my publishers (and hopefully me) to make more money.)
3. Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is affordable. You can pre-order it from Amazon for $10.17 OR £6.39. That is such a low price! You should probably buy several copies, one for each of your family members and friends. If you do not have friends, Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is a wonderful way to make some! Give it to small children on the train, or to the transit police, or to the taxicab driver who picks you up when they bar you from the trains. You've probably noticed that there are people in your neighborhood who talk to themselves; this is a good opportunity to approach them, introduce yourself, and give them a copy of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz. This way they can talk to Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, or even read Superpowers by David J. Schwartz aloud to the people around them, and the circle of life will be complete.
4. Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is edible. Most books are, it's true, but Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is especially delicious. Here is a recipe:
Ingredients:
1 bell pepper (preferably red), diced
1 copy of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, read
Extra virgin olive oil
24 pounds fusilli pasta
Shred all pages of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz except for 43/44, 151/152, 177/178, and the endpapers. Sautée pages and diced pepper in olive oil. Be certain to have a fire extinguisher within reach. In a large pot or small garbage can (preferably new), boil 6 gallons of water. Add pasta; cook until al dente. Salt to taste. Remove from heat and mix in peppers and pages. Serve with two gallons marinara sauce.
This is one of hundreds of mouth-watering ways in which you can serve a copy of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz. You will probably want to try them all, so buy several hundred copies. (Please see point 3.)
5. Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is just like a vacation. When you read Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, you will be transported to another time and place. (Please note that the ability of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz to transport you is dependent upon your physical location. If you are in Madison, Wisconsin, you will not be transported very far, but you will move around a fair amount. Also you will find yourself in the DISTANT PAST of the summer of 2001, a time when Britney seemed relatively normal, The Show With the Girl Who Fights the Vampires was still on TV, and people only suspected that George W. Bush was going to be a horrible president. You know, the good ol' days.)
6. Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is just like World of Warcraft, WITH SOME MINOR DIFFERENCES. Some of these differences include: Superpowers by David J. Schwartz will not enable you to gain levels, to kill monsters, to act as a "tank," to ride strange animals, to support Ron Paul for president, to "rez," to run a gold farm (whatever that means), or to shriek at your fellow Guild members over a headset. (For a full list of differences between Superpowers by David J. Schwartz and World of Warcraft, please see Appendix One of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz.) HOWEVER, Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is just like World of Warcraft in that it will allow you to neglect your health and your significant other(s), assuming that you read it while you should be sleeping, exercising, and/or interacting with those you love.
7. Finally, Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is actually good. No, seriously. I've read Superpowers by David J. Schwartz a bunch of times, and I still like it. I think you'll like Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, too. Just, please, remember to read it before eating it.
You may be looking at those covers and wondering what the benefits of buying Superpowers by David J. Schwartz (which comes out on June 5th in the UK and June 10th in the United States) might be. You may be thinking, "Gee, it seems like the economy is in a downturn, and I may have to limit my book-buying." You may be thinking, "I haven't read a book since I bought World of Warcraft." You may be hungry. You may be thinking about taking a vacation.
I would like to respond to these musings.
However, I would first like to state UP FRONT that Superpowers by David J. Schwartz does not contain dragons. Neither does it contain robots. I have no good excuse for this. I do, however, have a bad excuse: I was drinking, a lot, when I wrote this. (No, not dreaming. You're thinking of Prince.) So, when it came time to add in the dragons and the robots, I was busy arguing with Grover Cleveland about the gold standard. The fact that President Cleveland turned out to be a couch cushion is beside the point. I apologize to everyone for the dragon/robot deficit, and to my liver for all the drinking.
Superpowers by David J. Schwartz also does not contain elephants, a fact for which I apologize to myself.
Superpowers by David J. Schwartz does, however, contain:
- Underage drinking
- Premarital sex
- Conspiracy theories
- Head injuries
- Flying without the benefit of aircraft
- A car crash
- References to Stone Phillips
- Vigilantism
- Lasagna
- A young man named Jack Robinson who does things quicker than you can say "Jack Robinson"
If that does not convince you to pre-order Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, perhaps the following numbered list will do the job (NOTE: if you have already pre-ordered Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, please stop reading now):
The Benefits of Buying Superpowers by David J. Schwartz (Either Through Pre-Order or By Speaking to Someone Helpful at Your Local Bookstore)
1. Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is colorful. You may find that waving Superpowers by David J. Schwartz about will distract small children. Be warned, however, that small children often have powerful grasps, and may seize Superpowers by David J. Schwartz in order to suck on it. Do not worry; this is unlikely to harm the text, as children have relatively small mouths and will be forced to suck on the corners of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, where nothing but the page numbers may be lost or damaged. (Please see point 4.)
2. Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is humorous. You may feel the urge to read certain hilarious passages to friends, co-workers, fellow train passengers, and small children. I urge you not to resist this urge. Your friends and co-workers will enjoy your enthusiasm and will not be at all annoyed, particularly if they have plans to read Superpowers by David J. Schwartz themselves. (A related note: please do not loan your copy of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz to your friends. That way they will have to buy their own, and my publishers will make more money, some of which they may decide to give to me if I cooperate.) You may notice your fellow train passengers moving away from you if you persistently read them passages from Superpowers by David J. Schwartz. This is not because they are not enjoying your recitations. On the contrary, they wish to improve the acoustics in your immediate vicinity. Please make an effort to project as you read. Finally, small children are known to have wonderful senses of humor, but you may wish to use discretion in which passages you choose to read them, especially if they are not your own children. You may wish to pretend to be reading from a copy of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, while ACTUALLY reading from a copy of Green Eggs and Ham, Goodnight Moon, or The New England Journal of Medicine which you have hidden between the pages of my book. Be sure to hold Superpowers by David J. Schwartz so that the cover is clearly visible; this way children will be prompted to ask for their own copy of this colorful volume. (You will obviously be unable to lend them your copy because of the need for my publishers (and hopefully me) to make more money.)
3. Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is affordable. You can pre-order it from Amazon for $10.17 OR £6.39. That is such a low price! You should probably buy several copies, one for each of your family members and friends. If you do not have friends, Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is a wonderful way to make some! Give it to small children on the train, or to the transit police, or to the taxicab driver who picks you up when they bar you from the trains. You've probably noticed that there are people in your neighborhood who talk to themselves; this is a good opportunity to approach them, introduce yourself, and give them a copy of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz. This way they can talk to Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, or even read Superpowers by David J. Schwartz aloud to the people around them, and the circle of life will be complete.
4. Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is edible. Most books are, it's true, but Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is especially delicious. Here is a recipe:
Ingredients:
1 bell pepper (preferably red), diced
1 copy of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, read
Extra virgin olive oil
24 pounds fusilli pasta
Shred all pages of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz except for 43/44, 151/152, 177/178, and the endpapers. Sautée pages and diced pepper in olive oil. Be certain to have a fire extinguisher within reach. In a large pot or small garbage can (preferably new), boil 6 gallons of water. Add pasta; cook until al dente. Salt to taste. Remove from heat and mix in peppers and pages. Serve with two gallons marinara sauce.
This is one of hundreds of mouth-watering ways in which you can serve a copy of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz. You will probably want to try them all, so buy several hundred copies. (Please see point 3.)
5. Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is just like a vacation. When you read Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, you will be transported to another time and place. (Please note that the ability of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz to transport you is dependent upon your physical location. If you are in Madison, Wisconsin, you will not be transported very far, but you will move around a fair amount. Also you will find yourself in the DISTANT PAST of the summer of 2001, a time when Britney seemed relatively normal, The Show With the Girl Who Fights the Vampires was still on TV, and people only suspected that George W. Bush was going to be a horrible president. You know, the good ol' days.)
6. Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is just like World of Warcraft, WITH SOME MINOR DIFFERENCES. Some of these differences include: Superpowers by David J. Schwartz will not enable you to gain levels, to kill monsters, to act as a "tank," to ride strange animals, to support Ron Paul for president, to "rez," to run a gold farm (whatever that means), or to shriek at your fellow Guild members over a headset. (For a full list of differences between Superpowers by David J. Schwartz and World of Warcraft, please see Appendix One of Superpowers by David J. Schwartz.) HOWEVER, Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is just like World of Warcraft in that it will allow you to neglect your health and your significant other(s), assuming that you read it while you should be sleeping, exercising, and/or interacting with those you love.
7. Finally, Superpowers by David J. Schwartz is actually good. No, seriously. I've read Superpowers by David J. Schwartz a bunch of times, and I still like it. I think you'll like Superpowers by David J. Schwartz, too. Just, please, remember to read it before eating it.