[SJFF] She's Gone
Title: She's Gone
Pairing: You, your favourite SJ member
Rating: G
Genre: Romance, Tragedy
Summary: A sequel to the story Let's Never Meet Again, written in the point of view of the Super Junior member himself.
Author's Notes: A songfic based on the song She's Gone/사랑이 떻나다 from the Don't Don album :)
I still remember the day when I first saw you - it's clearly imprinted in my mind; every action, every word, every expression of yours. Your nervousness was clearly dominant, as you stuttered a lot and tripped all over your words when you were introducing yourself in front of us. It was really amusing to say the least.
Well, I don't blame you. I have the exact same tendencies when I meet other celebrities whom I admire. Seeing you was like seeing myself when I had first debuted - shy, nervous, and lacked confidence. Hence, I decided to give you some encouragement after we were dismissed from the getting-to-know-each-other session. You seem preoccupied with packing your things, so I tapped you lightly on your shoulder in order to gain your attention.
And yeah, my heart nearly jumped out of my throat when you inhaled sharply and spun around in surprise. I didn't realize that I'd scared you for doing what I did. You were flushing furiously, and I'm not trying to be narcissistic or something, but I know that my mere presence would have effects like these on girls… and maybe certain guys, but let's not go there, shall we? Oh, but just so you know, I apologized to you in my heart for my probably overwhelming presence.
You've also affected me in a strange way - my heart raced at the sight of you when you blushed and nodded your head slightly after I gave you that short advice. I don't know why, but I had an overwhelming desire to give you a hug. Nonetheless, I settled for ruffling your hair instead and left with the other Super Junior members because we had to rush for a stage performance. And of course, God knows what would happen if I really gave in to my desires…
* * * * *
From that day onwards, I had an increasing eagerness to get to know you better. The feeling confused me, because I've never felt that way towards anyone before. I was really thankful to God, because Super Junior had the chance to guide the new trainees whenever we had the time, since we were one of the oldest groups around.
Needless to say, I grasped every chance I had to get closer to you. I liked the way your face lights up when us Super Junior members share our experiences with all of you, and how your mouth would be slightly agape whenever we mentioned about the hard times that we had to go through in the past. There was just an air of innocence surrounding you that seems to draw me closer and closer.
Truth be told, I've never understood why you lacked confidence in yourself. The fact that you could successfully pass the auditions and officially become a trainee under SM Entertainment was a confirmation of your talents hidden within. When I first heard you sing, I was completely mesmerized - not many singers have that type of effect on me. Sure, you may go off-tune at times, but I assure you, it's not due to your lack of technique, but rather your lack of faith in yourself. As for dancing… well I'll just say that not everyone has the natural talent of picking up the dance steps quickly.
Ne, do you know that it really hurts me to see you cry? You seem to have a knack of doing that due to the extreme stress and pressure though, and my heart breaks a little whenever it happens. I would sometimes mentally bash myself for being unable to do anything but to lend you a shoulder to cry on. And that is precisely why I couldn't bear to get angry at you when you make mistakes, even though it gets frustrating for me sometimes. The only two things that reined me back was the fact that I've had the same experience in the past, and also because somewhere deep down, I knew I've gradually fallen in love for you.
* * * * *
I'll admit that I wasn't the most courageous person around when it comes to admitting my feelings, and the fact that I was a celebrity made it harder for me to tell you how I really felt.
However, that fateful day, three months after we first met, could easily be one of the happiest days of my life. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect you to confess to me, because I never held much hope that you reciprocated my feelings. You proved me wrong, and I was overjoyed.
"I love you too." I finally got the words I've wanted to say all this long off my chest. And although you started crying at this juncture, there was no dead weight compressing my heart - I was filled with joy at the thought that I could finally be with you.
However, I was also filled with uneasiness after our relationship started to develop. Mainly due to the fact that artists and/or trainees under the same record label were forbidden to date each other. But I could vividly remember the promise we've made with each other - to try our best to make the relationship work, and continue even if there were any objections raised against our bond. I was determined - no - hell-bent on making our relationship successful.
And thus began our life of secrecy behind the world. Unfortunately, my fellow members were apparently too observant of my actions, because they found out about us barely a week later. But being brothers, though not blood-related, they sincerely wished for our happiness and promised to help us keep our secret in the closet.
* * * * *
When did you start becoming weary of me
What burdens did I give you
I knew that the relationship placed a great burden on you, especially when you're constantly under stress from the rigorous training sessions. I've been there; I know. We couldn't see each other very often due to my album promotions and various other activities, and even if we do, we had to keep a distance between each other and put on a professional façade. You even had to make trips to my dorm late at night just so we could spend some time together, and I'm grateful that Seunghwan-hyung kept this a secret from the company as well. Ah, I really owe too much to the other Super Junior members and Seunghwan-hyung.
* * * * *
To you, no longer saying anything
I've become unable to ask now
Without the usual grumbling
Still smiling that polite smile
Losing the sadness that passed by your eyes
I'm sorry, it was absentminded stupidity on my part
my love
Even though you've never mentioned a single word to me, I know you're tired of having to maintain our relationship in the dark. The sacrifices you've made is far too great to be measured, and I feel really bad because I'm not committing as much due to my jam-packed schedules.
I could no longer have the heart to ask you about your day anymore, because I knew you would hide everything from me so that I wouldn't worry about you. But I can't. I can't stop myself from worrying. You're much too fragile. I feel useless for being unable to do anything for you, and instead placed extra load on your small back.
And that flicker of sadness in your eyes makes the guilt feel a million times worse.
* * * * *
If I could turn it all back
No, if you would smile for me just once more
By myself, I'm unable to hold your heart
Because of foolish pride, I'm sorry
my love
If I could, I would've turned back time to the day of your birthday. If only I'd listen to your protests against my decision to bring you out for dinner on your birthday. If only I wasn't being so selfish for the umpteenth time since we became an item.
It was pure miscalculation on my part. I should've known that we shouldn't appear in public places together, with me in minimal disguises. I should've anticipated that a fan or a member of the media would be around, preparing to take a photo whenever they have a chance to do so.
Why was I so surprised when I saw photos of us splashed across the main page of the entertainment news? I should've known. I really should have known there would be grave consequences from my selfish actions. And now I've hurt you.
You no longer smiled after your identity was exposed by the media, and my fans started hurling insults and various hurtful comments at you, even going as far as harassing you on your blog. I should've swallowed my pride and plead to my fans to leave you alone and pray for our happiness, but I didn't.
What was holding me back? I don't know.
When I look at how cold you've become
The separation spreading in this instance
Now I know there's nothing to be done
In the name of love
Slowly like changing colors
Love is leaving me
Slowly but surely, you started to distance yourself from me. I really don't understand - what happened to our promise to continue with the relationship even if other people objected to it? I couldn't do anything about it either, for you refused to answer my calls, and didn't even reply my messages. Then it progressed to finding an excuse to leave whenever I approached you.
I was helpless, and lost.
Even words of apology
Although I'm as sorry as this
What could a person like me
Say and how could I say it
Like I can't breathe, I'm dizzy
Inside lost time
Even if I roam quickly
The only thing I could do now
Is that I can't do anything
Even if I apologized to you throughout my entire lifetime, I know I can't erase the hurt that the others have dealt to you. No amount of regret could turn our time back now. It gets harder and harder for me to breathe whenever I'm reminded of the fact that there was a possibility of you leaving me. Hence I indulged myself in my work, or dragged one of the Super Junior members around in order to keep me occupied - to keep my mind off of the ending that would eventually happen.
When I see you with your back turned to me
The time love clearly took
Now I can see it too
Like a time of separation
I saw it coming
I didn't know you were such a part of me
I would be lying if I said I didn't see it coming.
I knew it all along. I just didn't want to accept the fact that you were giving up on me. Giving up on us.
The day you told me you wanted to end the relationship was the day my world shattered into pieces. I finally realized that I've fallen irreversibly, irrevocably, and helplessly in love with you, to the extent that I probably couldn't continue living if I'd lose you.
Over the short 4 months that we've been together, you've become the person that I treasure the most; an integral part of my life. Tell me, how am I supposed to continue through the days without you?
Pairing: You, your favourite SJ member
Rating: G
Genre: Romance, Tragedy
Summary: A sequel to the story Let's Never Meet Again, written in the point of view of the Super Junior member himself.
Author's Notes: A songfic based on the song She's Gone/사랑이 떻나다 from the Don't Don album :)
I still remember the day when I first saw you - it's clearly imprinted in my mind; every action, every word, every expression of yours. Your nervousness was clearly dominant, as you stuttered a lot and tripped all over your words when you were introducing yourself in front of us. It was really amusing to say the least.
Well, I don't blame you. I have the exact same tendencies when I meet other celebrities whom I admire. Seeing you was like seeing myself when I had first debuted - shy, nervous, and lacked confidence. Hence, I decided to give you some encouragement after we were dismissed from the getting-to-know-each-other session. You seem preoccupied with packing your things, so I tapped you lightly on your shoulder in order to gain your attention.
And yeah, my heart nearly jumped out of my throat when you inhaled sharply and spun around in surprise. I didn't realize that I'd scared you for doing what I did. You were flushing furiously, and I'm not trying to be narcissistic or something, but I know that my mere presence would have effects like these on girls… and maybe certain guys, but let's not go there, shall we? Oh, but just so you know, I apologized to you in my heart for my probably overwhelming presence.
You've also affected me in a strange way - my heart raced at the sight of you when you blushed and nodded your head slightly after I gave you that short advice. I don't know why, but I had an overwhelming desire to give you a hug. Nonetheless, I settled for ruffling your hair instead and left with the other Super Junior members because we had to rush for a stage performance. And of course, God knows what would happen if I really gave in to my desires…
* * * * *
From that day onwards, I had an increasing eagerness to get to know you better. The feeling confused me, because I've never felt that way towards anyone before. I was really thankful to God, because Super Junior had the chance to guide the new trainees whenever we had the time, since we were one of the oldest groups around.
Needless to say, I grasped every chance I had to get closer to you. I liked the way your face lights up when us Super Junior members share our experiences with all of you, and how your mouth would be slightly agape whenever we mentioned about the hard times that we had to go through in the past. There was just an air of innocence surrounding you that seems to draw me closer and closer.
Truth be told, I've never understood why you lacked confidence in yourself. The fact that you could successfully pass the auditions and officially become a trainee under SM Entertainment was a confirmation of your talents hidden within. When I first heard you sing, I was completely mesmerized - not many singers have that type of effect on me. Sure, you may go off-tune at times, but I assure you, it's not due to your lack of technique, but rather your lack of faith in yourself. As for dancing… well I'll just say that not everyone has the natural talent of picking up the dance steps quickly.
Ne, do you know that it really hurts me to see you cry? You seem to have a knack of doing that due to the extreme stress and pressure though, and my heart breaks a little whenever it happens. I would sometimes mentally bash myself for being unable to do anything but to lend you a shoulder to cry on. And that is precisely why I couldn't bear to get angry at you when you make mistakes, even though it gets frustrating for me sometimes. The only two things that reined me back was the fact that I've had the same experience in the past, and also because somewhere deep down, I knew I've gradually fallen in love for you.
* * * * *
I'll admit that I wasn't the most courageous person around when it comes to admitting my feelings, and the fact that I was a celebrity made it harder for me to tell you how I really felt.
However, that fateful day, three months after we first met, could easily be one of the happiest days of my life. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect you to confess to me, because I never held much hope that you reciprocated my feelings. You proved me wrong, and I was overjoyed.
"I love you too." I finally got the words I've wanted to say all this long off my chest. And although you started crying at this juncture, there was no dead weight compressing my heart - I was filled with joy at the thought that I could finally be with you.
However, I was also filled with uneasiness after our relationship started to develop. Mainly due to the fact that artists and/or trainees under the same record label were forbidden to date each other. But I could vividly remember the promise we've made with each other - to try our best to make the relationship work, and continue even if there were any objections raised against our bond. I was determined - no - hell-bent on making our relationship successful.
And thus began our life of secrecy behind the world. Unfortunately, my fellow members were apparently too observant of my actions, because they found out about us barely a week later. But being brothers, though not blood-related, they sincerely wished for our happiness and promised to help us keep our secret in the closet.
* * * * *
When did you start becoming weary of me
What burdens did I give you
I knew that the relationship placed a great burden on you, especially when you're constantly under stress from the rigorous training sessions. I've been there; I know. We couldn't see each other very often due to my album promotions and various other activities, and even if we do, we had to keep a distance between each other and put on a professional façade. You even had to make trips to my dorm late at night just so we could spend some time together, and I'm grateful that Seunghwan-hyung kept this a secret from the company as well. Ah, I really owe too much to the other Super Junior members and Seunghwan-hyung.
* * * * *
To you, no longer saying anything
I've become unable to ask now
Without the usual grumbling
Still smiling that polite smile
Losing the sadness that passed by your eyes
I'm sorry, it was absentminded stupidity on my part
my love
Even though you've never mentioned a single word to me, I know you're tired of having to maintain our relationship in the dark. The sacrifices you've made is far too great to be measured, and I feel really bad because I'm not committing as much due to my jam-packed schedules.
I could no longer have the heart to ask you about your day anymore, because I knew you would hide everything from me so that I wouldn't worry about you. But I can't. I can't stop myself from worrying. You're much too fragile. I feel useless for being unable to do anything for you, and instead placed extra load on your small back.
And that flicker of sadness in your eyes makes the guilt feel a million times worse.
* * * * *
If I could turn it all back
No, if you would smile for me just once more
By myself, I'm unable to hold your heart
Because of foolish pride, I'm sorry
my love
If I could, I would've turned back time to the day of your birthday. If only I'd listen to your protests against my decision to bring you out for dinner on your birthday. If only I wasn't being so selfish for the umpteenth time since we became an item.
It was pure miscalculation on my part. I should've known that we shouldn't appear in public places together, with me in minimal disguises. I should've anticipated that a fan or a member of the media would be around, preparing to take a photo whenever they have a chance to do so.
Why was I so surprised when I saw photos of us splashed across the main page of the entertainment news? I should've known. I really should have known there would be grave consequences from my selfish actions. And now I've hurt you.
You no longer smiled after your identity was exposed by the media, and my fans started hurling insults and various hurtful comments at you, even going as far as harassing you on your blog. I should've swallowed my pride and plead to my fans to leave you alone and pray for our happiness, but I didn't.
What was holding me back? I don't know.
When I look at how cold you've become
The separation spreading in this instance
Now I know there's nothing to be done
In the name of love
Slowly like changing colors
Love is leaving me
Slowly but surely, you started to distance yourself from me. I really don't understand - what happened to our promise to continue with the relationship even if other people objected to it? I couldn't do anything about it either, for you refused to answer my calls, and didn't even reply my messages. Then it progressed to finding an excuse to leave whenever I approached you.
I was helpless, and lost.
Even words of apology
Although I'm as sorry as this
What could a person like me
Say and how could I say it
Like I can't breathe, I'm dizzy
Inside lost time
Even if I roam quickly
The only thing I could do now
Is that I can't do anything
Even if I apologized to you throughout my entire lifetime, I know I can't erase the hurt that the others have dealt to you. No amount of regret could turn our time back now. It gets harder and harder for me to breathe whenever I'm reminded of the fact that there was a possibility of you leaving me. Hence I indulged myself in my work, or dragged one of the Super Junior members around in order to keep me occupied - to keep my mind off of the ending that would eventually happen.
When I see you with your back turned to me
The time love clearly took
Now I can see it too
Like a time of separation
I saw it coming
I didn't know you were such a part of me
I would be lying if I said I didn't see it coming.
I knew it all along. I just didn't want to accept the fact that you were giving up on me. Giving up on us.
The day you told me you wanted to end the relationship was the day my world shattered into pieces. I finally realized that I've fallen irreversibly, irrevocably, and helplessly in love with you, to the extent that I probably couldn't continue living if I'd lose you.
Over the short 4 months that we've been together, you've become the person that I treasure the most; an integral part of my life. Tell me, how am I supposed to continue through the days without you?