Kikwang/Dongwoon: Butterflies In My Stomach
Title: Butterflies In My Stomach
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: B2ST
Pairing: Kikwang/Dongwoon (Kiwoon?), Chunglim/Kikwang
Word Count: 3,094
Summary: Dongwoon has butterflies in his stomach
Notes: for jaybomb and hobutt since they ninja'd my breakmagnae title D: & cause i love them ♥ all grammar mistakes are mine since it's close to 1AM and i expect there to be some
butterflies in my stomach
Dongwoon isn’t the jealous type. In fact, he’ll say that he doesn’t know how it feels like to be jealous because he’s very rarely felt this feeling before. Therefore, it isn’t hard to imagine his surprise when he gets this strange feeling in his chest when Kikwang jumps up from the table that morning, smile on his face as he holds his phone to his ear saying, “Chunglim hyung!”
It’s perplexing the way the fire starts burning, forms camp in the pit of his stomach, shooting upwards to his chest. Dongwoon sits there, chopsticks frozen mid-air over the plate of kimchi, a frown on his face. He doesn’t quite understand what’s happening or why it’s happening. He leans back into the chair, staring into nothing.
“Dongwoon-ah,” Junhyung says waving a hand in front of his face, “that’s a scary face you’re making. It’ll ruin your magnae image.”
“What?”
“You’re sitting there glaring at everyone,” Hyunseung supplies.
“Oh,” he replies and puts a hand to his chest, still feeling the fire burn - if anything, burn faster, harder.
“Maybe you ate your food too fast,” Yoseob tells him and starts to look concerned. “You’re probably having heart burn.”
Dongwoon processes what Yoseob tells him and nods his head. “Yeah, I think so.”
Heart burn, it makes sense.
*
Dongwoon smiles brightly as Kikwang ruffles his hair after practice. This is normal - getting attention from his hyungs because it’s what happens when you’re the magnae. What’s not normal is how Dongwoon feels the butterflies zoom around his stomach at lightning speed whenever Kikwang is near him. Or how his heart seems to stop functioning when Kikwang wraps an arm around him, moves his face in closer to his and whispers something funny about Junhyung and Hyunseung; then giggles like a five year old girl and fits his head perfectly in the crook of Dongwoon’s shoulder.
He can’t seem to process what this means. So he asks Doojoon for advice.
“Hyung,” Dongwoon starts and then stops, realising that his question is probably stupid. “Never mind.”
“Tell me,” Doojoon tells him and glares when Dongwoon tries to walk away from him. “Don’t think you can walk past me because you’re freakishly taller than I am. Sit and tell me what’s wrong.”
“There’s nothing wrong,” Dongwoon mutters. “Why would you think something’s wrong?”
“Because I’m an all-knowing God,” Doojoon deadpans and laughs at the irritated expression Dongwoon shoots him. “Seriously, Dongwoon-ah, you can tell me. You’ve been out of it lately.”
Dongwoon tries to swallow the lump in his throat that suddenly formed. He looks at Doojoon helplessly, who only looks at him expectantly. After a few minutes of silence Doojoon sighs squeezes Dongwoon’s shoulder.
“Okay, maybe next time we’ll do this.”
He gets up to leave and Dongwoon stands up suddenly and grabs onto Doojoon’s wrist. “I have butterflies.”
“You ... have butterflies,” Doojoon repeats with a confused look on his face.
“Yes,” Dongwoon answers nodding his head for emphasis. “I feel them ... flying. In my stomach.”
“There are butterflies flying inside your stomach,” Doojoon repeats, his lips quirking upwards.
“Uh-huh.” Dongwoon looks worried and his grip on Doojoon’s wrist tightens. “Is there something wrong with me?”
Doojoon grins and pulls the younger boy close to him in a tight hug. “There’s definitely something wrong with you.”
Dongwoon squeaks, horrified and tries to pull away from Doojoon’s tight hold on him. Except Doojoon is faster and has the younger boy in a headlock. “Yah, who is it? Hm? Who do you love?”
“What are you talking about, hyung? Let Go!” Dongwoon struggles against him, tries to use his height to his advantage but fails and ends up tripping over his feet. This causes both him and Doojoon to stumble and fall.
The leader falls on top of Dongwoon, moaning in pain as he gets up. He frowns down at the younger boy but ends up grinning when Dongwoon glares up at him.
“When you get butterflies in your stomach it means you’re in love,” Doojoon explains and tries not to laugh at Dongwoon’s still confused expression.
“How do you know? Have you ever been in love before?”
Doojoon shrugs in response. “I read it in a book somewhere. I think Nichkhun hyung said something along those lines when he told me he loves Chansung.”
“Oh, I see,” Dongwoon replies and gets up from the floor.
“Who is it?”
Dongwoon shakes his head, eyes widening in alarm at Doojoon. “I - no, I don’t think - I mean hyung-”
“Okay, okay, I get it.” Doojoon pats him on the head lightly. “You’re not ready to tell me yet. It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”
Dongwoon nods his head. “I’m sorry, hyung.”
“It’s okay, really,” Doojoon says and suddenly he squeezes the other boy’s shoulder hard. “But you have to promise me that I’ll be the first one you tell about who your crush is~”
“Hyung,” Dongwoon mutters, cheeks coloring and Doojoon laughs.
“Ahh, why is my magnae so cute? Hm?” He pinches Dongwoon’s cheeks, the other boy swatting his hand away in the process.
*
Dongwoon can’t stop thinking about his conversation with Doojoon. In fact, he’s starting to become obsessed with it and the more obsessed he becomes the more frightened he gets. Instead of basking in the attention that Kikwang gives him, he shies away from it. When Kikwang hugs him from behind, giggling like a maniac about how he caught Junhyung and Hyunseung kissing in the closet, Dongwoon quickly pulls out of it and makes sure there’s a lot of space between them.
Kikwang frowns and pouts but does nothing more. Except, this only causes Dongwoon to act even more paranoid around Kikwang that he doesn’t notice when the older boy slips in and out of the dorms quietly at night. The first time he gets an idea of what’s going on is when he catches Kikwang red handed coming home at 3AM.
Dongwoon is going back to the room after having gone to the bathroom when he hears the door click shut. His eyes widen when he sees Kikwang walk in, creeping towards the room on his tip toes.
“Hyung?” he whispers and Kikwang nearly falls over in surprise.
“Dongwoon?” Kikwang sighs in relief when he sees the taller boy standing there. “What the hell are you doing there?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” Dongwoon retorts and walks towards him. “Where did you go?”
“Out. I went for a walk,” Kikwang replies automatically, pulling his jacket close to him. “You?”
“I went to the bathroom.”
“Oh.”
Dongwoon’s eyes narrow at Kikwang’s tight hold on the collar of jacket. “You didn’t go out for a walk, did you?”
Kikwang bites his lip and shakes his head. “Promise me you won’t tell Doojoon, or anyone else?”
Dongwoon sighs and nods his head. “Yeah, I promise.”
“Thanks, Dongwoon-ah.”
Dongwoon wants to say you’re welcome, anything for you but decides that’s a bit too creepy and instead says, “Where did you go if you didn’t go for a walk?”
Kikwang smirks and pinches the magnae’s cheeks. “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” He then disappears into the bedroom, leaving Dongwoon standing there alone rubbing his cheek.
Dongwoon can’t help but feel cheated at being left out of Kikwang’s little secret. He ignores the little tug in his heart as he walks into the room, finding Kikwang in his own bed already snoring. Somehow, he knows that something’s a bit off with what Kikwang told him... but he doesn’t know what.
All he knows is that it hurts. Whatever it is.
*
Dongwoon wishes that he’s blind - wishes that eyesight had been granted to someone who truly needed it and not to him. He rushes away from the back alley, ignoring the sound of his name being called in desperation.
He should have put two and two together the night he caught Kikwang coming in late. Should have realised all those times Kikwang secretly answered his cell phone in the middle of photo shoots and interviews. Except he continued to live in bliss - fucking bliss.
He stops running once he gets to their change room and barges inside. The rest of the members give him strange looks as he stands there breathing heavily.
“Dongwoon-ah!” Kikwang yells and grabs onto his arm. “Why didn’t you stop running? I was calling your name and-”
Dongwoon wrenches away from Kikwang’s grip roughly, holding it to him like he’s been stung. “Don’t touch me.”
“Dongwoon-ah,” Kikwang says, warningly. “You don’t talk to your hyungs like that!”
He chooses not to answer, looking away instead.
“What’s going on?” Doojoon asks from his position on the couch. “What happened? Dongwoon? Kikwang?”
“Nothing,” Kikwang answers quickly. “We just had a little misunderstanding. Didn’t we, Dongwoon-ah?”
“Sure. Misunderstanding.” Dongwoon presses his lips together and gives Doojoon a pleading look.
“Okay, if you’re sure,” he says.
But Yoseob isn’t that easily persuaded to end the conversation there.
“What kind of misunderstanding did you two have?” Yoseob looks at Kikwang’s haggard appearance, taking note of his mused hair and bruised lips. “I see.”
“See what?”
“Nothing,” Yoseob says with a smile and Dongwoon knows Yoseob well enough to know what that smile says.
It appears Kikwang does too because his ears are starting to darken into a lovely shade of red. Dongwoon closes his eyes and tries to shake off this new feeling inside of him, except he can’t.
“I’m going out for a walk,” he mutters and brushes past Kikwang.
Hyunseung is yelling at him, screaming that they’re up soon but Dongwoon doesn’t care. They can go on stage without him for all he cares. He runs up the stairs, getting slightly dizzy at the turns and turns of the stairwell but in the end regretting when it comes to a stop. He opens the door in front of him and finds himself standing on the roof.
He walks towards the edge and leans against the railing. Dongwoon figures that he’s stupid. He’s stupid for believing that something could actually happen between him and Kikwang, that Kikwang saw him as more than a friend, that Kikwang shared the same butterflies in his stomach whenever he was around. Except, that’s not the case. Kikwang’s butterflies were for someone else, and not Dongwoon.
“I guess that’s not what you were expecting.” Dongwoon turns around to face the owner of the voice who had just spoken. He turns back to face the streets below when he sees who it is.
“Don’t be like that,” Doojoon says as he squeezes Dongwoon’s shoulder comfortingly.
“I’m not being like anything,” Dongwoon mutters under his breath.
“Moody? Bitchy? Retarded? Idiotic? Moronic?” Doojoon lists counting it off on his fingers. “Take your pick.”
“Fuck you,” Dongwoon hisses as he turns to look at the older boy. “Can’t you just leave me alone?”
“No,” Doojoon replies and grabs onto the boy’s arm and tugs him close to his body. In an instant he wraps him in a tight hug. “I’m your hyung, there’s no way I’m leaving you alone.”
Dongwoon wants to push him away, wants to tell him to go shove it where he it matters, wants to - but he ends up curling his body into Doojoon’s. Ends up choking on sobs upon sobs and tears that stream down his face. Doojoon pats his back, rubbing circle patterns.
“I think we need to redo your make up.”
*
There’s a scene that replays in Dongwoon’s head constantly. It’s Kikwang and Chunglim. It’s Kikwang pressed up against a wall, head thrown back, eyes closed and Chunglim in front of him. Chunglim has his hands inside Kikwang’s t-shirt, his lips and teeth and tongue in the dip of Kikwang’s neck.
Dongwoon snaps his eyes open, wakes up to a van with the rest of the members chatting away happily. He tries to regulate his breathing and his eyes lock with Kikwang’s. The older boy gives him a small smile - hesitant, a peace offering. Dongwoon’s jaw clenches, and looks out the window instead.
He doesn’t understand ... anything. The new feeling that sets up camp in between the spaces of his rib cage, close to his heart is vicious; it’s sharp and cold like ice and it’s slowly starting to spread. It’s quickly moving to the broken pieces of his heart, mending it firmly in place the way scotch tape can never hope to accomplish.
He misses the hurt expression on Kikwang’s face.
*
Dongwoon’s surprised when Kikwang corners him that night. He backs him up against the wall, placing hands on either side of Dongwoon’s body in an attempt to keep him from escaping.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing,” Dongwoon replies and he winces at the same time Kikwang does, realising just how cold that sounds.
“I spoke with Doojoon,” Kikwang says. Dongwoon can’t help but feel betrayed at that. “He won’t tell me shit all, says I’ve got to talk to you myself to find out why you’re acting like this.”
Dongwoon immediately feels guilty for thinking that Doojoon betrayed his trust. He forgets that Kikwang’s in front of him until the other boy pinches his arm. “Yah! Don’t ignore me!”
“Oh, sorry, I just-”
“Forget it, let’s just get this over with, okay? You’re pissed at me for something I did and I don’t remember what I did. So for the love of all things holy can you give me a clue?”
Dongwoon stays silent, purses his lips and turns his face away from Kikwang’s. The other boy growls in frustration and grips onto Dongwoon’s arms and attempts to shake him. “What the hell did I do to make you ignore me? I don’t know what the hell is up with you, Dongwoon, but I want to make it better.”
Still Dongwoon doesn’t answer. Unknowingly his eyes zero in on the purple bruises on Kikwang’s neck. “What’s that?”
Kikwang’s hand immediately covers the hickeys when he notices what Dongwoon is staring at. “Nothing.”
“Sure. Nothing.”
In that moment Kikwang puts two and two together and backs away from Dongwoon. “Dongwoon, is that what this is about? You catching me and Chunglim hyung in the alley a few days ago.”
When Dongwoon doesn’t answer Kikwang bites his lip hesitantly and puts a hand on the younger boy’s shoulder, in an attempt to comfort him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you felt that way-”
“Felt what?” Dongwoon snaps. “I feel nothing, hyung. I don’t care about what you do.”
Dongwoon stalks out of the room and closes the door with a loud bang.
*
Three weeks passed since the confrontation and the members are on edge. Apart from Doojoon, no one knows what happened except for the involved parties. Yoseob tries prodding but fails, Junhyung tries prodding but fails, Hyunseung tries prodding and hits a nerve.
“Dongwoon, don’t you think you’re being a little bit too harsh with Kikwang?” Hyunseung stands in front of the younger boy, covering the video game in front of him. “Seriously, he’s been moping around the house since you two fought. It’s time you both make up.”
“Hyung, can you move? I’m about to face the bad guy.” Dongwoon leans onto his side, viciously pushing the buttons on the controller. “Can’t we talk about this when I win?”
“Yah!” Hyunseung screams and takes the controller from Dongwoon’s hands and tosses it across the room. “Dongwoon, you’re being stubborn just go and make up with Kikwang! Tell him you forgive him so I don’t have to listen to him whine about how you hate him!”
“I’m doing no such-”
“Don’t be selfish,” Hyunseung says with narrow eyes. “This is a band - a team. In order for everyone to live together harmoniously we need to act like one. Now, you’re being stupid and stubborn and I want you to fix it!”
Dongwoon glares at him and shakes his head. “No, I’m not doing anything.”
“Yah!”
“Stop it!”
Hyunseung turns to find Doojoon standing there with his arms crossed. “Hyunseung, leave - Dongwoon, stay.”
“Doojoon-”
“Now.”
Hyunseung huffs and brushes past Doojoon, muttering under his breath. Once they hear the door to the apartment close Dongwoon lets out a sigh.
“He’s right you know.” Doojoon picks up the video controller at his feet and walks over to sit on the couch next to Dongwoon. “It’s about time you start talking to Kikwang.”
“I don’t think ... I can.”
“Sure you can,” Doojoon tells him. “You go up to him and ask him about the weather.”
“The weather,” Dongwoon repeats. “Really, I’m going to go up to him and talk to him about the weather. That’s so stupid and lame, I’m not doing it.”
“Okay,” Doojoon says, “then you’re going to go up to him and tell him you forgive him and that you’re sorry for having a little hissy fit.”
Dongwoon stays silent. As Doojoon gets up from the couch, Dongwoon whispers, “Does he hate me?”
“He should,” Doojoon replies, “but he doesn’t. He just wants his friend back.”
*
Dongwoon approaches Kikwang that night when everyone’s gone to bed. He corners the older boy just as he gets out of the bathroom from washing up for the night.
“Hyung, I’m sorry about everyth-”
He’s cut off when Kikwang abruptly hugs him, squeezes him tightly, pulls him close to his body, buries his face in the crook of his neck.
“Thank fucking god,” Kikwang mumbles into Dongwoon’s shoulder. “I’ve missed you so much.”
Dongwoon smiles and hugs him back, dismisses the fact that the butterflies are alive and kicking again - they’re zooming full speed ahead and he has no control of it. Kikwang doesn’t let go of Dongwoon, holds onto him tightly until Dongwoon reminds him that he needs to breathe too.
Kikwang lets go reluctantly, his arms are still wrapped the tall boy. “I’m sorry about everything.”
“You don’t need-”
“But I am!” Kikwang insists. “I didn’t know you felt that way about me, I should have realised before I went and did stupid things.”
“Stupid things?”
“Chunglim hyung.”
“How was that-I don’t understand I thought you-”
Kikwang laughs and leans in close, pressing his lips softly against Dongwoon’s for a second and pulling away. “Chunglim hyung was just convenient `cause I thought you didn’t like me.”
“You’re joking,” Dongwoon says. “You mean... you have butterflies too?”
“Butterflies?” Kikwang repeats and then smiles in understanding. “Yeah, I guess I do.”
Dongwoon grins and pulls the shorter boy into a tight hug. “I’m not the only one.”
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: B2ST
Pairing: Kikwang/Dongwoon (Kiwoon?), Chunglim/Kikwang
Word Count: 3,094
Summary: Dongwoon has butterflies in his stomach
Notes: for jaybomb and hobutt since they ninja'd my breakmagnae title D: & cause i love them ♥ all grammar mistakes are mine since it's close to 1AM and i expect there to be some
butterflies in my stomach
Dongwoon isn’t the jealous type. In fact, he’ll say that he doesn’t know how it feels like to be jealous because he’s very rarely felt this feeling before. Therefore, it isn’t hard to imagine his surprise when he gets this strange feeling in his chest when Kikwang jumps up from the table that morning, smile on his face as he holds his phone to his ear saying, “Chunglim hyung!”
It’s perplexing the way the fire starts burning, forms camp in the pit of his stomach, shooting upwards to his chest. Dongwoon sits there, chopsticks frozen mid-air over the plate of kimchi, a frown on his face. He doesn’t quite understand what’s happening or why it’s happening. He leans back into the chair, staring into nothing.
“Dongwoon-ah,” Junhyung says waving a hand in front of his face, “that’s a scary face you’re making. It’ll ruin your magnae image.”
“What?”
“You’re sitting there glaring at everyone,” Hyunseung supplies.
“Oh,” he replies and puts a hand to his chest, still feeling the fire burn - if anything, burn faster, harder.
“Maybe you ate your food too fast,” Yoseob tells him and starts to look concerned. “You’re probably having heart burn.”
Dongwoon processes what Yoseob tells him and nods his head. “Yeah, I think so.”
Heart burn, it makes sense.
*
Dongwoon smiles brightly as Kikwang ruffles his hair after practice. This is normal - getting attention from his hyungs because it’s what happens when you’re the magnae. What’s not normal is how Dongwoon feels the butterflies zoom around his stomach at lightning speed whenever Kikwang is near him. Or how his heart seems to stop functioning when Kikwang wraps an arm around him, moves his face in closer to his and whispers something funny about Junhyung and Hyunseung; then giggles like a five year old girl and fits his head perfectly in the crook of Dongwoon’s shoulder.
He can’t seem to process what this means. So he asks Doojoon for advice.
“Hyung,” Dongwoon starts and then stops, realising that his question is probably stupid. “Never mind.”
“Tell me,” Doojoon tells him and glares when Dongwoon tries to walk away from him. “Don’t think you can walk past me because you’re freakishly taller than I am. Sit and tell me what’s wrong.”
“There’s nothing wrong,” Dongwoon mutters. “Why would you think something’s wrong?”
“Because I’m an all-knowing God,” Doojoon deadpans and laughs at the irritated expression Dongwoon shoots him. “Seriously, Dongwoon-ah, you can tell me. You’ve been out of it lately.”
Dongwoon tries to swallow the lump in his throat that suddenly formed. He looks at Doojoon helplessly, who only looks at him expectantly. After a few minutes of silence Doojoon sighs squeezes Dongwoon’s shoulder.
“Okay, maybe next time we’ll do this.”
He gets up to leave and Dongwoon stands up suddenly and grabs onto Doojoon’s wrist. “I have butterflies.”
“You ... have butterflies,” Doojoon repeats with a confused look on his face.
“Yes,” Dongwoon answers nodding his head for emphasis. “I feel them ... flying. In my stomach.”
“There are butterflies flying inside your stomach,” Doojoon repeats, his lips quirking upwards.
“Uh-huh.” Dongwoon looks worried and his grip on Doojoon’s wrist tightens. “Is there something wrong with me?”
Doojoon grins and pulls the younger boy close to him in a tight hug. “There’s definitely something wrong with you.”
Dongwoon squeaks, horrified and tries to pull away from Doojoon’s tight hold on him. Except Doojoon is faster and has the younger boy in a headlock. “Yah, who is it? Hm? Who do you love?”
“What are you talking about, hyung? Let Go!” Dongwoon struggles against him, tries to use his height to his advantage but fails and ends up tripping over his feet. This causes both him and Doojoon to stumble and fall.
The leader falls on top of Dongwoon, moaning in pain as he gets up. He frowns down at the younger boy but ends up grinning when Dongwoon glares up at him.
“When you get butterflies in your stomach it means you’re in love,” Doojoon explains and tries not to laugh at Dongwoon’s still confused expression.
“How do you know? Have you ever been in love before?”
Doojoon shrugs in response. “I read it in a book somewhere. I think Nichkhun hyung said something along those lines when he told me he loves Chansung.”
“Oh, I see,” Dongwoon replies and gets up from the floor.
“Who is it?”
Dongwoon shakes his head, eyes widening in alarm at Doojoon. “I - no, I don’t think - I mean hyung-”
“Okay, okay, I get it.” Doojoon pats him on the head lightly. “You’re not ready to tell me yet. It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”
Dongwoon nods his head. “I’m sorry, hyung.”
“It’s okay, really,” Doojoon says and suddenly he squeezes the other boy’s shoulder hard. “But you have to promise me that I’ll be the first one you tell about who your crush is~”
“Hyung,” Dongwoon mutters, cheeks coloring and Doojoon laughs.
“Ahh, why is my magnae so cute? Hm?” He pinches Dongwoon’s cheeks, the other boy swatting his hand away in the process.
*
Dongwoon can’t stop thinking about his conversation with Doojoon. In fact, he’s starting to become obsessed with it and the more obsessed he becomes the more frightened he gets. Instead of basking in the attention that Kikwang gives him, he shies away from it. When Kikwang hugs him from behind, giggling like a maniac about how he caught Junhyung and Hyunseung kissing in the closet, Dongwoon quickly pulls out of it and makes sure there’s a lot of space between them.
Kikwang frowns and pouts but does nothing more. Except, this only causes Dongwoon to act even more paranoid around Kikwang that he doesn’t notice when the older boy slips in and out of the dorms quietly at night. The first time he gets an idea of what’s going on is when he catches Kikwang red handed coming home at 3AM.
Dongwoon is going back to the room after having gone to the bathroom when he hears the door click shut. His eyes widen when he sees Kikwang walk in, creeping towards the room on his tip toes.
“Hyung?” he whispers and Kikwang nearly falls over in surprise.
“Dongwoon?” Kikwang sighs in relief when he sees the taller boy standing there. “What the hell are you doing there?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” Dongwoon retorts and walks towards him. “Where did you go?”
“Out. I went for a walk,” Kikwang replies automatically, pulling his jacket close to him. “You?”
“I went to the bathroom.”
“Oh.”
Dongwoon’s eyes narrow at Kikwang’s tight hold on the collar of jacket. “You didn’t go out for a walk, did you?”
Kikwang bites his lip and shakes his head. “Promise me you won’t tell Doojoon, or anyone else?”
Dongwoon sighs and nods his head. “Yeah, I promise.”
“Thanks, Dongwoon-ah.”
Dongwoon wants to say you’re welcome, anything for you but decides that’s a bit too creepy and instead says, “Where did you go if you didn’t go for a walk?”
Kikwang smirks and pinches the magnae’s cheeks. “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” He then disappears into the bedroom, leaving Dongwoon standing there alone rubbing his cheek.
Dongwoon can’t help but feel cheated at being left out of Kikwang’s little secret. He ignores the little tug in his heart as he walks into the room, finding Kikwang in his own bed already snoring. Somehow, he knows that something’s a bit off with what Kikwang told him... but he doesn’t know what.
All he knows is that it hurts. Whatever it is.
*
Dongwoon wishes that he’s blind - wishes that eyesight had been granted to someone who truly needed it and not to him. He rushes away from the back alley, ignoring the sound of his name being called in desperation.
He should have put two and two together the night he caught Kikwang coming in late. Should have realised all those times Kikwang secretly answered his cell phone in the middle of photo shoots and interviews. Except he continued to live in bliss - fucking bliss.
He stops running once he gets to their change room and barges inside. The rest of the members give him strange looks as he stands there breathing heavily.
“Dongwoon-ah!” Kikwang yells and grabs onto his arm. “Why didn’t you stop running? I was calling your name and-”
Dongwoon wrenches away from Kikwang’s grip roughly, holding it to him like he’s been stung. “Don’t touch me.”
“Dongwoon-ah,” Kikwang says, warningly. “You don’t talk to your hyungs like that!”
He chooses not to answer, looking away instead.
“What’s going on?” Doojoon asks from his position on the couch. “What happened? Dongwoon? Kikwang?”
“Nothing,” Kikwang answers quickly. “We just had a little misunderstanding. Didn’t we, Dongwoon-ah?”
“Sure. Misunderstanding.” Dongwoon presses his lips together and gives Doojoon a pleading look.
“Okay, if you’re sure,” he says.
But Yoseob isn’t that easily persuaded to end the conversation there.
“What kind of misunderstanding did you two have?” Yoseob looks at Kikwang’s haggard appearance, taking note of his mused hair and bruised lips. “I see.”
“See what?”
“Nothing,” Yoseob says with a smile and Dongwoon knows Yoseob well enough to know what that smile says.
It appears Kikwang does too because his ears are starting to darken into a lovely shade of red. Dongwoon closes his eyes and tries to shake off this new feeling inside of him, except he can’t.
“I’m going out for a walk,” he mutters and brushes past Kikwang.
Hyunseung is yelling at him, screaming that they’re up soon but Dongwoon doesn’t care. They can go on stage without him for all he cares. He runs up the stairs, getting slightly dizzy at the turns and turns of the stairwell but in the end regretting when it comes to a stop. He opens the door in front of him and finds himself standing on the roof.
He walks towards the edge and leans against the railing. Dongwoon figures that he’s stupid. He’s stupid for believing that something could actually happen between him and Kikwang, that Kikwang saw him as more than a friend, that Kikwang shared the same butterflies in his stomach whenever he was around. Except, that’s not the case. Kikwang’s butterflies were for someone else, and not Dongwoon.
“I guess that’s not what you were expecting.” Dongwoon turns around to face the owner of the voice who had just spoken. He turns back to face the streets below when he sees who it is.
“Don’t be like that,” Doojoon says as he squeezes Dongwoon’s shoulder comfortingly.
“I’m not being like anything,” Dongwoon mutters under his breath.
“Moody? Bitchy? Retarded? Idiotic? Moronic?” Doojoon lists counting it off on his fingers. “Take your pick.”
“Fuck you,” Dongwoon hisses as he turns to look at the older boy. “Can’t you just leave me alone?”
“No,” Doojoon replies and grabs onto the boy’s arm and tugs him close to his body. In an instant he wraps him in a tight hug. “I’m your hyung, there’s no way I’m leaving you alone.”
Dongwoon wants to push him away, wants to tell him to go shove it where he it matters, wants to - but he ends up curling his body into Doojoon’s. Ends up choking on sobs upon sobs and tears that stream down his face. Doojoon pats his back, rubbing circle patterns.
“I think we need to redo your make up.”
*
There’s a scene that replays in Dongwoon’s head constantly. It’s Kikwang and Chunglim. It’s Kikwang pressed up against a wall, head thrown back, eyes closed and Chunglim in front of him. Chunglim has his hands inside Kikwang’s t-shirt, his lips and teeth and tongue in the dip of Kikwang’s neck.
Dongwoon snaps his eyes open, wakes up to a van with the rest of the members chatting away happily. He tries to regulate his breathing and his eyes lock with Kikwang’s. The older boy gives him a small smile - hesitant, a peace offering. Dongwoon’s jaw clenches, and looks out the window instead.
He doesn’t understand ... anything. The new feeling that sets up camp in between the spaces of his rib cage, close to his heart is vicious; it’s sharp and cold like ice and it’s slowly starting to spread. It’s quickly moving to the broken pieces of his heart, mending it firmly in place the way scotch tape can never hope to accomplish.
He misses the hurt expression on Kikwang’s face.
*
Dongwoon’s surprised when Kikwang corners him that night. He backs him up against the wall, placing hands on either side of Dongwoon’s body in an attempt to keep him from escaping.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing,” Dongwoon replies and he winces at the same time Kikwang does, realising just how cold that sounds.
“I spoke with Doojoon,” Kikwang says. Dongwoon can’t help but feel betrayed at that. “He won’t tell me shit all, says I’ve got to talk to you myself to find out why you’re acting like this.”
Dongwoon immediately feels guilty for thinking that Doojoon betrayed his trust. He forgets that Kikwang’s in front of him until the other boy pinches his arm. “Yah! Don’t ignore me!”
“Oh, sorry, I just-”
“Forget it, let’s just get this over with, okay? You’re pissed at me for something I did and I don’t remember what I did. So for the love of all things holy can you give me a clue?”
Dongwoon stays silent, purses his lips and turns his face away from Kikwang’s. The other boy growls in frustration and grips onto Dongwoon’s arms and attempts to shake him. “What the hell did I do to make you ignore me? I don’t know what the hell is up with you, Dongwoon, but I want to make it better.”
Still Dongwoon doesn’t answer. Unknowingly his eyes zero in on the purple bruises on Kikwang’s neck. “What’s that?”
Kikwang’s hand immediately covers the hickeys when he notices what Dongwoon is staring at. “Nothing.”
“Sure. Nothing.”
In that moment Kikwang puts two and two together and backs away from Dongwoon. “Dongwoon, is that what this is about? You catching me and Chunglim hyung in the alley a few days ago.”
When Dongwoon doesn’t answer Kikwang bites his lip hesitantly and puts a hand on the younger boy’s shoulder, in an attempt to comfort him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you felt that way-”
“Felt what?” Dongwoon snaps. “I feel nothing, hyung. I don’t care about what you do.”
Dongwoon stalks out of the room and closes the door with a loud bang.
*
Three weeks passed since the confrontation and the members are on edge. Apart from Doojoon, no one knows what happened except for the involved parties. Yoseob tries prodding but fails, Junhyung tries prodding but fails, Hyunseung tries prodding and hits a nerve.
“Dongwoon, don’t you think you’re being a little bit too harsh with Kikwang?” Hyunseung stands in front of the younger boy, covering the video game in front of him. “Seriously, he’s been moping around the house since you two fought. It’s time you both make up.”
“Hyung, can you move? I’m about to face the bad guy.” Dongwoon leans onto his side, viciously pushing the buttons on the controller. “Can’t we talk about this when I win?”
“Yah!” Hyunseung screams and takes the controller from Dongwoon’s hands and tosses it across the room. “Dongwoon, you’re being stubborn just go and make up with Kikwang! Tell him you forgive him so I don’t have to listen to him whine about how you hate him!”
“I’m doing no such-”
“Don’t be selfish,” Hyunseung says with narrow eyes. “This is a band - a team. In order for everyone to live together harmoniously we need to act like one. Now, you’re being stupid and stubborn and I want you to fix it!”
Dongwoon glares at him and shakes his head. “No, I’m not doing anything.”
“Yah!”
“Stop it!”
Hyunseung turns to find Doojoon standing there with his arms crossed. “Hyunseung, leave - Dongwoon, stay.”
“Doojoon-”
“Now.”
Hyunseung huffs and brushes past Doojoon, muttering under his breath. Once they hear the door to the apartment close Dongwoon lets out a sigh.
“He’s right you know.” Doojoon picks up the video controller at his feet and walks over to sit on the couch next to Dongwoon. “It’s about time you start talking to Kikwang.”
“I don’t think ... I can.”
“Sure you can,” Doojoon tells him. “You go up to him and ask him about the weather.”
“The weather,” Dongwoon repeats. “Really, I’m going to go up to him and talk to him about the weather. That’s so stupid and lame, I’m not doing it.”
“Okay,” Doojoon says, “then you’re going to go up to him and tell him you forgive him and that you’re sorry for having a little hissy fit.”
Dongwoon stays silent. As Doojoon gets up from the couch, Dongwoon whispers, “Does he hate me?”
“He should,” Doojoon replies, “but he doesn’t. He just wants his friend back.”
*
Dongwoon approaches Kikwang that night when everyone’s gone to bed. He corners the older boy just as he gets out of the bathroom from washing up for the night.
“Hyung, I’m sorry about everyth-”
He’s cut off when Kikwang abruptly hugs him, squeezes him tightly, pulls him close to his body, buries his face in the crook of his neck.
“Thank fucking god,” Kikwang mumbles into Dongwoon’s shoulder. “I’ve missed you so much.”
Dongwoon smiles and hugs him back, dismisses the fact that the butterflies are alive and kicking again - they’re zooming full speed ahead and he has no control of it. Kikwang doesn’t let go of Dongwoon, holds onto him tightly until Dongwoon reminds him that he needs to breathe too.
Kikwang lets go reluctantly, his arms are still wrapped the tall boy. “I’m sorry about everything.”
“You don’t need-”
“But I am!” Kikwang insists. “I didn’t know you felt that way about me, I should have realised before I went and did stupid things.”
“Stupid things?”
“Chunglim hyung.”
“How was that-I don’t understand I thought you-”
Kikwang laughs and leans in close, pressing his lips softly against Dongwoon’s for a second and pulling away. “Chunglim hyung was just convenient `cause I thought you didn’t like me.”
“You’re joking,” Dongwoon says. “You mean... you have butterflies too?”
“Butterflies?” Kikwang repeats and then smiles in understanding. “Yeah, I guess I do.”
Dongwoon grins and pulls the shorter boy into a tight hug. “I’m not the only one.”