FIC: You Can Run But You Can't Hide (PG)
Title: You Can Run But You Can't Hide
Type: Fic
Age-Range Category: Five
Characters: Hogwarts Castle, Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall, Hermione Granger, George Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Luna Lovegood, Draco Malfoy, Seamus Finnegan
Author: blueartemis07
Beta(s): roseofthewest
Rating: PG
Summary: After the war, Severus Snape has decided to retire, but the castle refuses to accept it.
After the fall of Voldemort, after his recovery at Malfoy Manor, complaining all the while, Severus Snape decided never to return to Hogwarts. Unfortunately for his plans, Lady Hogwarts was quite determined to bring him back.
She would transport him (likely by elf, but he wasn't certain) back whenever she determined the "proper" Headmaster was needed.
He was sitting at a fabulous tasting menu done by Chef Hubert Keller when he suddenly disappeared. Since most of the people weren't magical, whatever magic took him also made everyone forget he was there.
He was at the top of Mauna Kea, invited by the local Kupuna. He had managed to pick some of the native plants to experiment with, and was about to give his offering to Pele when he disappeared. The natives shrugged at each other and looked at their Kapuna. "It wasn't Pele. But she's amused." The beautiful weather and blooming of plants bore that out.
He was in the middle of a game of strip poker with Narcissa Malfoy and Andromeda Tonks when he disappeared.
"I win!" declared Andromeda.
"You cheated," responded Narcissa.
"Well, yes, of course I did. How could I call myself a Black if I didn't use any information available? Anyway, we saved ourselves the sight of any more of Severus."
The man in question was down to a vest and boxers, although they were nice black silk ones.
"What is it this time?" asked Narcissa, an amused smirk on her face.
"The head elf decided that if the Head wasn't going to be there to stop them, they were going to hold their millennial fertility ceremony on the lawn instead of deep in the forest."
The thought of Severus trying to either herd hundreds of naked, randy elves to the forest or shield them from the students IN HIS UNDERWEAR had both sisters almost falling out of their chairs in hysterical laughter.
Once she caught her breath, Narcissa said, "Oh, Andy, I wonder how long it was before he remembered he was in his underwear!" That comment set them both off again.
You would think Severus Snape would have learned by then, but he was stubborn. How he thought he would hold out against 1000 years of stone and magic was beyond most of the magicals in the know. George Weasley had quite the betting ring going. It was almost like a game of bingo, or Cluedo. The free spot of course was that it was always Snape. But who he was with, what he was wearing and what he was doing was always up for grabs. Ron had made quite the killing when he said he would show up in a sarong.
"Oh, bloody hell, not again!" Severus Snape muttered under his breath, as he shielded his eyes from the sight of Minerva the cat studiously bathing her nether parts on her desk. The DEPUTY'S desk. After the second time Severus was brought back she moved back to the deputy's office suite.
"What do you need me to solve this time, Minerva?" he asked. "And why was I brought here instead of my office?"
"Stop staring at me like that, Severus. You cannot set me ablaze with your eyes. I am NOT the one calling you back to solve the issues the castle has, it appears to be the Lady herself," Minerva responded in a huff. "I have no idea, Severus, or I wouldn't have been bathing myself when you arrived… well, she was annoyed with me for trying to change the menu to haggis… and by the way boyo, you are wearing more of Rosemerta's lipstick than she is at this point, I would guess. And if you don't want to end up in Witch Weekly again, I'd button up."
Snape blushed, waved his hand, and all his clothes rebuttoned. Minerva hit him with a makeup removal spell.
A regular cleansing spell would hurt, Severus. Trust me, that was better," she said in response to his glare.
Snape started to stomp his way down to the heart of the castle, where the large wardstone was kept, and should only be accessible to the Head, but since Lady Hogwarts was not about to deal with a grown man's tantrum, the staircases only allowed him down once he had calmed himself down.
"It's like bloody having a large stone babysitter. No, a minder with balls of stone!" Snape entertained himself with thoughts of what the castle had become.
"What do you need this ti-- my eyes!" Severus said.
"Your eyes, Severus, what about my eyes?" demanded Harry Potter.
"For Merlin's sake, stop wailing like virginal maidens over a little sex," said Hermione.
"That is bloody it! I give up!" Severus walked over to the ward stone and laid his hand on it. "I accept that you wish me to be headmaster, my lady. Please have the elves move all my things from my suite at Malfoy Manor up to the suite here."
The entire castle glowed in happiness.
"Now, what was going on here?" he asked.
"I think it was-" said Harry.
"A sex ritu-" said George.
"It was a ritual to return the wrongfully dead to life," said Hermione. "I'm looking at these runes. I believe one of them might have stumbled upon something in the Room of Requirement?"
Draco, Luna and Ginny were tangled up together, but frozen, as though a tableau or a statue.
Severus shook his head and again, laid his hands on the ward stone. He nodded, pulled out his wand and incanted "Separatum sortis!"
Once the three were separated and covered, Severus glared at them.
"Firstly, you know that Latin for intercourse is fornicatio, not sortis. That was your first mistake. Secondly, this ritual requires a full coven, not just three morons. Thirdly, oh, nevermind, you have Mr. Weasley here. And lastly, it requires, per this page you are reading in Rowena Ravenclaw's journal: one muggleborn, two halfbloods, and three purebloods as the focal point- again, not three morons having sex!"
Ginny punched Draco. "You said it needed someone going against their desires!"
"I thought that is what it said!" Draco turned to Severus. "Let me see that, please!" He took the journal then showed it to Ginny. "Does that look like what I showed you before?"
"No, it doesn't. But- oh!" She nodded to herself. "Sorry I punched you, Draco. I get it."
"You get what?" came the chorus of voices.
"We've all seen that Lady Hogwarts has her own way of going about things. She let us find the journal while rebuilding, but didn't let us see what was truly written. She wanted Headmaster Snape back, and she did what she needed to get him here."
Snape muttered, "Of course, because no one has ever wanted to let me retire in peace. Or die, or you know, have dinner, or sex, or even win a game of strip poker!"
"You were never going to win a game of strip poker with the Black sisters, sir." Ginny said.
"Aaagh! You were playing strip poker with my Mum! And Aunt Andy! I need brain bleach!" declared Draco, holding his hands over his eyes, as though that would get the image out of his imagination.
Severus shook his head, while all the others giggled. "You normally show better sense than this, Miss Weasley. What made you get involved?"
"Fred."
"Excuse me?"
"Fred. I've been dreaming about Fred. His spirit didn't move on. He's here, in these walls," she said. "I remembered that Draco had found Ravenclaw's journal when he was helping with the rebuilding as part of his community service, so I asked him if there was anything in there. This is the result."
"Mr. Potter, how is it that you and Miss Granger are involved?" Severus asked.
"You know after Ginny and I 'broke up' that I was asked to be the DADA professor, right? So, they asked me to check for anything dark in the ritual, and then I just called Hermione here for back up." Harry responded.
"I"m surprised your third isn't here." Severus said. "This seems like a misadventure right up the 'Golden Trio's' alley."
"He's watching the shop for me," said George. "He thought I would want to be here. And if it worked, he didn't want to see Fred and Hermione's reunion."
Severus blinked. "And you, Miss Lovegood?"
"The Nargles told me to be here."
"Of course they did," Severus said, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was getting a headache.
"And now we have ALL the proper ingredients," Luna continued. "One muggleborn, two halfbloods, three purebloods and George!"
"We don't have a coven," responded Severus.
"Yes, you do," came a voice from the door.
"What are you talking about, Minerva?" Severus said, counting quickly. "There are only six of you."
"And seven of you. That makes thirteen, and that is a coven."
"I would ask how you all knew to be here, but I won't," said Severus. "I need to have a talk with those elves."
While he was talking, Minerva had gotten Molly, Poppy, Andromeda, Narcissa and Rosemerta into place. Hermione redrew the pentagram, with the wardstone at the center and added the runes from the journal. Luna helped her with the candles. The journal had fluttered open to the page that Draco had thought was the ritual. It now showed the true writing.
One of the new
Two of the bold
Three of the old
A half of a soul
Within a circle
Within the lights
Around the heart
The stone ignites
Returning that
Which left that night
Minerva handed George an athame, and he sliced his palm, dripping blood onto the ward stone.
The writing changed…
Past, present and future,
those who hold the wards must agree
That he who left
Should be free
Minerva took the blade, sliced her palm, let the blood drip on the stone, then handed the athame to Severus. Severus took it, and sliced his palm, let the blood drip on the stone, then looked at those around him. He then closed his eyes and took a leap of faith. If he was wrong, then this would fail.
"Why do I get to make all these life and death decisions? This is why I wanted to retire!" he thought to himself.
As his blood flowed into the ward stone he heard a voice in his mind that wasn't his. It was beautifully melodic.
"If Tom had not been so damaged, it might be him here. But you, you overcame the hatred. You, who loved me as your home, you deserve to be in charge. Now, who do you think could follow you properly?" Lady Hogwarts said to one of her beloved sons.
Severus handed the athame to Harry, who's eyes bugged out. But he accepted it, and drew the blade across his palm and let the blood drip.
Suddenly, that same melodic voice that Severus heard in his mind spoke into the room as a whole.
'I accept the will of three
May he who was lost
Be now set free!'
There was a large booming crack in the wall. Then out of the debris, fell Fred Weasley, whole and hale.
After a few seconds of watching Fred and Hermione's reunion, Severus shook his head, then headed up to his office.
The coven followed, after watching one set of elves pop the happy couple to places unknown and another clean up the room.
As Severus sat down behind the desk, he realized that he was home. He asked for some tea and began to look over the books.
He sensed a presence and looked up. It was Potter. "Um, sir, does this mean I'm to be headmaster after you?"
"Most likely, Potter. And don't try to run. It won't work out well. Or if you do, be certain to buy yourself some nice underthings."