The Mother Bleeds Antihistory - (PART ONE)
My, it has been awhile since we've sporked, hasn't it? Over a year, it looks like. Between the fandom in hibernation until the new games hit, the call of RP, and the duties of real life, we didn't have much time for sporking.
...And then this fic was brought to light.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, this sporking contains many tasteless jokes. Proceed with CAUTION.
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Title: If I Was Your Nazi
Author: XFamousXLastXWordsX
Rating:
There will never be enough Ansems in this world to fully convey just how horrible, how offensive this...writing is.
Full Name (including any titles): Roxas and Axel, plus most of the Organization and other main male characters. They also get "German" last names.
Full Species(es): Canonus Nazism
Hair Color (include adjectives): Overly descriptive spikyness.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Cerulean" and "peridot" eyes.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Come on. Peridot eyes? Also, does it count if Axel's father is Himmler?
Special Possessions (if any): The SS Family van. Rare guns and stolen jewelry. Concentration camps. Piles of paperwork. Televisions, even in the 1940s! Roxas has a terribly tacky necklace. A gay Jewish tacky necklace, or something.
Origin: Your high school world history class
Connections To Canon Characters: Doodled them doing each other up the butt on the author's school notes while the class was watching 'Schindler's List.'
Special Abilities: Most of the main characters magically have the ability to view Nazism and the Holocaust through the lens of contemporary thought. That is, when they're not complaining about the cafeteria food. Demyx suddenly has Gaydar?
Other Annoying Traits: It's not a proper yaoi fic without really annoying pet names!
I Say/Notes: Quite honestly, there are no words to accurately describe how sickeningly offensive this fic is on every level of mankind. Nazism, the SS and all things associated with it are treated exactly like high school. Rounding up them Jews? It's a summer job! Speeches from Hitler? Rallies in the gym! Hitler speaking to said "rally?" Man, what a boring speaker for this school meeting! Could Roxas possibly be gay? Tee-hee, wait until the SS gossip column finds out! Heinrich Himmler? That old-fashioned parent who just doesn't understand their gay true love!
Oh, how we wish we were just shitting you.
We suggest the overly sensitive or easily offended skip over this sporking. No really, save your faith in humanity while you've still got some left.
Sample:
Our sporking opens in the selfsame theater. It's a little dusty after not being used for awhile, but at least it's not bleeding from the walls anymore. Axel and Demyx warp in, and head toward the front row. Zexion and Xaldin are seated in there already, with a stack of history textbooks between them. Axel is carrying a case of imported beer with him.
Axel: Hey you losers, check this out. They let us have real German beer at the snack stand! This sporking is gonna rock!
Xaldin and Zexion: ...
Axel: Helloooo? Real imported beer? They never let us have it in the theater? *he waves one around* What's with - hey, what's with all the textbooks?
Xaldin: Sit down and study up, Axel. This fanfic is going to be on the test.
Zexion: And it's already got a failing grade.
Demyx: *seats himself* It's not like anything can be worse than that horror fic with the Sora soup and the blood bath and cannibalism, right?
Zexion and Xaldin: ...
Demyx: ...Riiiiiight?
Axel: *seats himself* Well, I know my confidence is restored in full.
Axel ran through the streets of Berlin, dressed in his formal attire.
Axel: *perks* Going to the cabaret, yes?
He knew that the Führer would not be pleased if Axel was late for the meeting.
Axel: ...Wroooooooooong cabaret.
Xaldin: ...Thanks for giving me the mental image of Hitler in a showgirl getup now.
Especially when Himmler had already told him to be at the Führerbunker at 11 sharp. Axel looked at his watch and learned that it was indeed 10:54.
Zexion: Ironically, it's a Swiss watch.
Demyx: Zing!
He frantically took a shortcut through a side alley and found himself at his destination. After walking through the doors, the redhead found himself face-to-face with Himmler,
Axel: Woah, found that boss battle pretty easy. Now watch how I--
the head of the SS and Axel’s father.
Axel: *SPITTAKE* SPFFFFFFFTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Zexion: Well, now we know where he gets his hatred of all things living from.
Axel stood straight and raised his right hand in the air at an angle in traditional Nazi fashion.
Axel: And then lowered three fingers in traditional Axel fashion. *does so*
Axel shouldn't be late! He has to meet with El Der Fuhrer!
“If you say so…” Axel said. “Have you seen Roxas yet, Father?”
“He is with Goebbles at the moment.” Himmler said. “Why?”
Axel: ROXAS, NOOOOOOOO! GOEBBLES IS NOT SEXY!
Demyx: That sounds kinda like go-burbles when you say it fast.
“I wanted to speak with him.” Axel said. “He is my friend, after all.”
Axel: And like hell am I speaking to anyone if they're not my friend.
“And you could not have chosen a better friend.” Himmler said. “He is the perfect Aryan.”
Xaldin: Not tall enough.
Zexion: Not tan enough.
Demyx: Not muscular enough.
Axel: NOT CRAZYSTUPID ENOUGH
Himmler was referring to the “perfect German”: the Aryan. Anyone who was not Aryan, that is to say blonde hair and blue eyes, was often looked down upon.
Zexion: That's a funny way of saying "persecuted like a redheaded stepchild."
Demyx: You'd figure Hitler would've dyed his hair.
Axel was only a Nazi because his father was a very important man in the Third Reich.
Xaldin: Time for you to inherit the business, son.
Axel: Oh sure, I will--
By the way, that business is Bergen-Belsen.
Axel didn’t really like the job, but he figured he should take anything he got.
Xaldin: You know the economy's bad when even the damned SS can't get summer jobs.
“It’s not because he is Aryan, Father.” Axel said. “We have a lot in common.”
Demyx: Being murderous bigots will do that to a person.
“If you say so.” Himmler didn’t quite believe his son, but knew that it would be pointless to tell him otherwise.
Zexion: ...Why exactly IS that?
Xaldin: *as Himmler* One day son, all this will be yours!
Axel: *as himself* What, the death camps?!
“Do you know when he will be done?” Axel asked.
Xaldin: When the internal temperature reaches 125.
“I have no idea.” Himmler said.
“Well, I’m going to see of the Führer is ready for me yet.” Axel said.
Zexion: He just needs to find the riding crop.
Axel: STOP THAT.
He gave his father the Nazi salute and left for the lower levels of the bunker.
Demyx: *in female voice* DING! Department of Mysteries!
He found Hitler’s office on the 3rd floor, or rather, the 3rd floor underground.
Demyx: Huh, that's the Destiny Islands floor in Castle Oblivion, isn't it?
Zexion: ...I hate this floor already.
After knocking twice, he waited for the Führer’s permission to enter. Upon entering,
Axel: I pulled a Tom Cruise and punched him in his Nazi face?
Axel’s peridot eyes found Adolf Hitler sitting at his desk, reading the Nazi newspaper.
Demyx: ...Peridot?
Zexion: Wouldn't "grün" be more in theme?
Sieg heil!
He opened the folder he was holding and read from the report. “2,000 Jews were admitted into Bergen-Belsen last week. Of that number, 948 men, 153 women, and 57 children were killed.
Axel: Good God, even in historical AUs there's a huge disproportion of men to everyone else!
Their bodies were burned in the crematoriums.”
“How were they killed?” Hitler asked.
Demyx: *as Axel* Well sir, we're not certain, but all signs point to Hitler.
“Some were killed immediately by gas chambers, some were shot.” Axel informed Hitler. “All others were put to work and died from exhaustion.”
Zexion: No percentages? That's a failing grade, Number Eight.
“Very good, very good.” Hitler said to himself.
Demyx: Aaaaaaand cue the Gendo pose!
Axel: *as Hitler, a la Mr. Burns* Eeeeeexcellent.
“Is there anything else, mein Führer?” Axel asked.
“I’ve been thinking of entering you in the SS.” Hitler said.
Axel: Yes! I'm willing to risk it all and go for the LIGHTNING ROUND!
“You have already met the required needs to join.”
Zexion: These being?
Xaldin: He's a protagonist of the story.
Zexion: *scoffs* You can't mean that every protagonist...is....
“If you may permit my asking, sir, why should I be in the SS?” Axel asked.
Zexion: Good point. What qualifications DOES he have?
He had never thought of himself being in the SS. He didn’t like being in the death camps, but what good what he be in the SS?
Demyx: Ten munny on uniform fetish.
“I think you would benefit being in the SS.” Hitler said.
Xaldin: *as Hitler* It's a major step in your career of unadulterated genocide!
“When do you want me to start, sir?” Axel asked.
“I would like you to start on Monday.” Hitler said. “You can find out more information if you need it from your father, I expect.”
Axel: Soooooo basically the SS is just like the local Gamestop.
“Is that all, mein Führer?” Axel asked.
Demyx: *as Hitler* BH-DE-BH-DE-BH-DE-BH-DEEE, THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!
Axel runs off to go find Roxas! He finds him!
“Roxas! I was just coming to find you. Guess what the Führer told me?”
Axel: *as himself* He told me he hates you!
Axel asked, dragging Roxas up the rest of the stairs.
“What?” Roxas asked his friend as they made it outside the Führerbunker.
“I’m going to be in the SS!” Axel jumped up and down.
Axel: I'll make enough money to afford that new DS Lite AND still go on the senior trip to Cancun!
Xaldin: And then he's going to Disneyworld. *deadpan*
“Wow! Congrats, Axel! You’ll be with me now.” Roxas was also in the SS.
Zexion: Congrats on your promotion from Heartless Bastard to Genocidal Maniac.
“I know!” Axel smiled.
“So when do you start?” Roxas asked as they went down to the corner market for some lunch.
Axel: RIGHT AFTER THESE MESSAGES!
“On Monday.” Axel replied. “I can’t wait! I mean, I’ll be with you all day!”
Demyx: And allllllll night.
Zexion: Passing notes, doing MASHes...
“Did the Führer say that?” Roxas asked.
“No, but I think I will be.” Axel said. “I mean, he knows that we’re best friends, so he should put us together.”
Xaldin: What the hell, are they partnering up for science lab in the SS?
Zexion: Well, I suppose you could say that...
“I’m rounding up Jews on Monday.” Roxas said. “Maybe I can convince the Führer to let you come with me.”
Axel: *as himself* Oh goody, then maybe afterwards we can stop by the Gap and pick up some 501s!
“That would be great.” Axel said with a smile. “Where are you rounding?”
Zexion: To the tenth power.
“5th, 6th, 7th, 8th and 13th streets.” Roxas said. “Your dad has me doing serious errands, you know?”
Axel: I know, geez. Gotta drop the Jews off at soccer practice, pick up some fresh Jews from the grocery store, go pick up my Jews from the laundromat, then head to the post office to mail some Jews. What a pain!
Xaldin: And pick up some sauerkraut on the way back!
Demyx: ...Can we get barf bags with this sporking, at least?
“Dad’s a bit crazy sometimes.” Axel said.
All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAhahaha...haaaah.
Oh boy oh joy, tomorrow's genocide is gonna be SUCH. FUN.
Roxas gave a smile then a wave and walked off. As Axel watched the blonde go, an uneasy feeling erupted in his stomach.
Zexion: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you!
Axel had a feeling he knew what this feeling was. He’d felt it when he’d seen some cute girls back at grade school.
Xaldin: Spring: When a young man's fancies lightly turn to thoughts of pedophilia.
But if he was in love with Roxas, he would be gay, which was looked down upon by Nazis. What was a guy to do?
Zexion: ...
Demyx: WUAH-WUAH-WUUUUAAAAAHHH!
Xaldin: Find out, on the next episode of "That's Our Nazi!"
Zexion: ...
Axel: I am SO SHOCKED by this development, you three. SO shocked.
Zexion: ...looked down on?
Axel walked up 21st Street to the apartments. Where was the redhead going?
Demyx: To find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
Zexion: What, doesn't the author know?
Xaldin: Probably not.
To Roxas’ apartment, of course.
Demyx: Oh, RHETORICAL questions. Or something.
Himmler was delighted that his son’s best friend was Aryan and allowed the two to hang out as often as possible.
Xaldin: He was especially delighted when he learned they were sharing a bed.
Axel couldn’t understand why his father couldn’t see that the redhead didn’t care if Roxas was Aryan or not.
Xaldin: Probably need to get his prescription fixed on his eyeglasses.
Demyx: *sings* If you were Aryan...that'd be okay!
To Axel, it didn’t matter what someone looked like.
Zexion: All that mattered was whether or not they had a penis.
But Heinrich Himmler failed to see that.
Zexion: Yeah, he could be a real Nazi about these sorts of things.
Axel and Roxas are gonna play chess. Woooooo.
“I guess so.” Roxas said. “Do you want to set the board up?”
Axel: Nah, it's better on rumpled sheets.
Demyx: *claps* Oooh, time for flannel-graphs!
“I call white.” Axel said with a grin
Xaldin: *as Axel* --Supremacist, that is.
as he walked over to the coffee table in the small living room where the chessboard was laying.
“Damn.” Roxas said.
“You should know by now that I always call white first.” Axel said, lining up a row of ivory pawns closest to him.
Xaldin: So basically, the fic is saying he has no staying power.
Axel: LIES AND SLANDER
“I really should, shouldn’t I?” Roxas said, sitting opposite Axel at the small table.
Zexion: Suddenly this fic is Searching for Roxas Fischer.
The two played chess for a while. Roxas easily won the first match; Axel had accidentally moved his knight at the wrong time and left his king wide open for a checkmate.
Xaldin: Yup, definitely no staying power.
Demyx: Topped from the bottom by a little kid, Axel? Bad form, bad form.
They were on their second game and Axel was contemplating where he should move his rook when several knocks sounded at the door.
Axel: *BANG BANG BANG* OPEN UP, THIS IS THE SS! ...Oh wait.
Rolling his cerulean eyes, Roxas left the table and went to open the door.
Demyx: DING-DONG, CANDYGRAM.
Axel: A landshark would improve this fic by about 500%.
Zexion, head of the death camp in Dachau, walked through the door, silver hair in his eyes as usual.
Xaldin: Because that sort of sloppy haircut would've been so accepted in the SS!
Axel: They probably just felt bad for him 'cause he went gray early.
Zexion: *fwaps with history textbook*
“What’s up, Zexy?” Axel asked as he made his move.
Axel: *as Zexion* You study for the Nazi test that's on Friday, man?
“Is that any way to greet a fellow Nazi?” Zexion reprimanded the redhead.
Axel: *as self* I'm sorry, you're right. *punches Zexion in the face*
Zexion: ?!?!!?!
Axel: THAT is how you greet a Nazi.
Zexion has important things to report!
“500,000 Jews were admitted into Dachau in the last 10 days.” Zexion began.
“500,000?” Axel’s peridot eyes widened in surprise.
Demyx: IT'S OVER 500 THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!
Axel: While my normal green eyes stayed shut.
“May I finish?” Zexion said acidly.
All: No.
Zexion: *glare*
“You will anyway.” Roxas smiled.
“Of that number, 4,981 men, 1,037 women and 528 children are now dead.” Zexion rambled on.
Xaldin: *as Zexion* Blah blah blah, yada yada, people dying in the streets yappity yap you know the drill.
Demyx: Forget concentration camps, everyone in Europe's gonna die off anyway with such an overabundance of men!
Axel: I predict Nazi mpreg.
Won't Larxene love that!
“Are the graves doing ok?” Roxas asked, making his move.
Zexion: *as himself* They appear to be full of dead things, sir.
Xaldin: Highly romantic pickup line, that.
“They aren’t living, Roxas.” Axel said with a smile.
All: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAAAhahahaha...haaaaaah.
“I meant if more need to be dug.” Roxas rolled his cerulean eyes.
Axel: Gee, if only there was a convenient supply of slave labor just hanging around to dig them! OH WAIT.
Demyx: Roxas's eyes are CERULEAN? Really? I had no clue!
“Not yet.” Zexion said. “We will in another month or so, but not now.”
Zexion: *sarcasm* Well you know, it's not like you can rush a final solution or anything.
“I can ask Dad if he’ll let us go up and dig some.” Axel said. “But digging graves in annoying.”
All: *slackjawed*
Demyx: This fic would offend the Hetalia kinkmeme.
“Than don’t do it.” Zexion rolled his eyes.
“Ok.” Axel said, moving his bishop across the board.
Axel: PROBLEM SOLVED.
“What are you two doing today?” Zexion asked.
Demyx: The same thing we do every night!
Axel: TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Xaldin: ...Ohhhh, bad pun.
Zexion exits right, pursued by a Nazi.
“He’s insane.” Roxas said, eyes fixed on the chess board in front of him.
“Then why is he in charge of one of the death camps, Roxie?” Axel said.
Zexion: You just answered your own question.
Axel: ...Wait, Roxie?!
“Roxie?” Roxas stared at the redhead in confusion. “Since when do you call me Roxie?”
Demyx: *plays* YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THAT RED ARMBAND TONIIIIIIGHT!...
“Since now.” Axel said. “It’s your new nickname.”
Axel: Sucks, doesn't it?
”But you don’t have a nickname.” Roxas said, making his move. “Besides flaming pyro.”
Axel: The more things change...
Zexion: Sucks, doesn't it?
Roxas has tacky jewelry and Axel has to go visit a death camp tomorrow, ho-hum! But Roxas has something important to say…
Roxas opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again and said nothing.
“I can’t tell you.” Roxas said.
Demyx: That doesn't sound like "said nothing" to me.
Axel: God forbid we advance plot or characterization! Man, that was a close one.
“What?” Axel seemed surprised. “Why not, Roxas?”
Zexion: Because the audience can already guess it coming from a mile away?
“I don’t think you’ll want to be friends with me anymore if I told you.” Roxas said.
Demyx: *as Roxas* I'm.....a babyfur!
“I’ll always want to be friends with you.” Axel said. “You know that. Nothing you say can make me change my mind about being your friend.”
Demyx: *sings* Oooooh, you're makin' me live!
Xaldin: *as Roxas* I'm...actually a woman.
Zexion: *as Axel* Buhbye.
“I know.” Roxas said. “But I think I shouldn’t tell you. Especially since your father is one of the big guys in the SS.”
“He’s in charge of the SS, Roxas.” Axel said with a smile.
Axel: It's such a HAPPY thing, isn't it?
“I’ll tell you when I feel like I can talk about it, ok?” Roxas said.
Zexion: Maybe he should bring this up in SS Peer Group Discussion next week.
“Ok.” Axel said.
They continued their game; Axel was distracted throughout the remainder of it. What did Roxas want to tell him? He couldn’t be Jewish, could he?
All: NAWWWWWWWW
But Axel wouldn’t care if the blonde was Jewish. Himmler would, but Axel wouldn’t. What was Roxas going to tell him? And would Axel still be his friend?
Xaldin: Will the wolf survive?
Demyx: What about Andrea, and her love for Chad? And what of Naomi's baby?
Zexion: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Axel: CALL NOW AND FIND OUT!
When Axel woke up on Monday morning, he wondered what time it was.
Demyx: TIME TO D-D-D-D-DUEL!
Looking at the clock on his bedside table, he learned that it was just after 8 O’clock.
Xaldin: --In the evening.
Axel: OOPS.
He had to be at the Führerbunker by 9 to receive his orders for the roundup. Axel knew that Roxas would be going with him along with Demyx and possibly Luxord.
Sighing, Axel got out of bed and changed into the SS uniform he had acquired from his father.
Zexion: And it's made out of cardboard.
Axel: Then I'm going to go eat some bread that tastes like wood.
Demyx: *singing* Vehn der Fuhrer says, ve is the master race...ve HEIL! Ve HEIL! Right in der Fuhrer's face!
After eating his breakfast of plain bagels, the redhead left for the Führerbunker.
Xaldin: Cream cheese is so capitalist.
Axel meets up with Roxas!
“Yeah, I do.” Axel smiled. “So where are we headed today?”
“Himmler changed the plans.” Roxas said. “Marluxia and Luxord got our route.”
Xaldin: What are they, paper boys?
“So where are we headed?” Axel repeated his previous question.
Xaldin: *as Roxas* Himmler changed the plans. Marluxia and Luxord got our route.
Axel: TIME PARADOX OSHI-
“The apartments around Yorkshire Avenue and Stonewall Boulevard.” Roxas said.
Zexion: Germany: the other, smaller Great Britain!
Axel: We're gonna take a lorry down to the pub and pick up some bangers and mash for lunch, too.
Boo-hoo, Roxas is stuck with dumb ol' Demyx.
“Got a date with someone, Axel?” Demyx smiled.
“Of course not.” Axel shook his head as they got in the standard SS van. “Who in their right mind would want to date me?”
Zexion: Used napkins?
Xaldin: Dead squirrels?
Demyx: Little bits of plastic that break off model kits?
Axel: ..."Standard" SS van? Are we the Partridge Family?
“Someone might.” Roxas said as he fastened his seatbelt while trying to ignore Demyx, who was seated next to him in the backseat.
Demyx: *jumps away, dodging a Foreshadowing Anvil that never falls*
Axel: I think the last one ruined him.
Xaldin: What one? *curious*
Zexion: Not again! *shoves Demyx out of his lap*
“I wouldn’t count on it.” Axel said grimly. “All the girls go for Riku.”
Zexion: Now that's an unusual twist on the old--
“No they don’t.” Riku replied
Zexion: --Orrrrrrrr not.
as Axel pulled the van out of the parking lot and headed off to Stonewall Boulevard.
Xaldin: Hopefully the rugby game will be on at the pub while they eat their fish and chips.
“You don’t pay much attention to girls, do you?” Demyx said with a small smile.
Demyx: ...Am I hitting on him?
Insert bad attempt at gay foreshadowing here.
They arrived at Stonewall Boulevard a few minutes later. Somehow, Demyx had fallen asleep.
Zexion: The professionalism is astounding.
“Wake up, Demyx.” Roxas smacked the sleeping SS in the back of the head.
Axel: *as Roxas* Honey, get on your shoes, we're stopping for gas and a bathroom break.
Demyx: *as himself* I want a Slurpee!
“Dammit, Roxas!” Demyx screeched. “What was that for?”
Xaldin: Existing.
Demyx: *pout*
“You were asleep.” Axel said, clambering out of the van.
“Just get going already.” Riku ordered impatiently. “We have to go to Yorkshire Avenue as well and you know how many Jews are there.”
Xaldin: Yeah, they're probably all up there having tea and discussing cricket right at this very moment.
“Yeah, yeah.” Demyx grumbled darkly.
The 4 SS walked up to the door of number 3 Stonewall Avenue, a place where the owners had been hiding a Jewish family for several months.
Axel: So basically, the SS is incompetent.
Demyx: Oh, those wacky Nazis!
Axel forcefully kicked the door open; so hard, in fact, that it came off the hinges entirely.
Axel: *as the Kool-Aid Guy* OHHHHHHHH YEAH!
“Nice work.” Roxas smirked.
“Thanks.” Axel smiled in reply.
Zexion: That's some talent for him to be able to smile his dialogue.
The blonde followed Demyx up to the attic, where it was assumed that the Jews were hiding.
Demyx: ANNE FRANK, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
In the meantime, Riku and Axel started looking through the belongings on the ground floor for anything valuable.
“So what are we looking for?” Axel asked.
Axel: One-Eyed Willie's treasure map.
Demyx: A doorway into Narnia!
Zexion: Any scrap of decency?
Xaldin: Whatever it is, you couldn't find it in an empty room with neon signs.
They start ransacking the place!
“So what are we looking for?” the redhead repeated his previous question.
“Anything valuable, basically.” Riku answered. “Especially rare and valuable.”
Demyx: Mystery Goo?
Xaldin: If you guys find a Celebi, let me know.
Zexion: I'll trade you mine if you have a Mew.
Axel: Screw you guys, I'm looking for a Missingno.
“That’s it?” Axel wanted to know.
“That’s it.” Riku said.
“What do we do with the stuff we find?” Axel asked.
Axel: EAT IT.
They get to discussing Axel's parentage. Turns out, he's a bastard child!
“Am I missing something here?” Riku looked quizzically at the redhead, a stack of papers in his right hand. “How could she not know about you? She is your mother, right?”
Zexion: Nope, Axel is Rosemary's baby.
“Nope.” Axel shook his head.
“She isn’t?” Riku questioned.
Axel: Nazi mpreg! I KNEW IT.
“No.” Axel grimaced. “Father had an affair with an office worker and I’m the result.”
Xaldin: I would've thrown that one back.
“Oh man…” Riku’s eyes widened. “So do you know your real mom?”
“Nah.” Axel opened the drawers of a nearby desk and searched through the contents. “Father took me to live with his sister in northern Germany.”
Zexion: But...isn't that...why...
Xaldin: Clearly, Himmler is exactly the kind of man to care about his bastards.
“That’s sad, Axel.” Riku said slowly.
Zexion: In SO many different ways.
Demyx and Roxas return from...something.
“When did you get back?” Axel asked.
“Ten minutes ago.” Demyx said before disappearing out the door.
Zexion: This ransacking and pillaging is more like watching someone fritter away their afternoon.
Axel followed the other two and loaded the items in the van. He then turned to Roxas and asked, “Can you guys help me get the rest? And where did you find that desk?”
Xaldin: Desks-R-Us, of course.
Demyx: Like it? I was gonna name it Sparkles.
“In the basement.” Roxas said as they walked back into the house.
“There’s a basement?” Axel frowned.
All: ...*facepalm*
“Yeah.” Demyx answered from the kitchen.
“How much did you get down there?” Axel asked as he followed the blonde down the steps into the basement that he hadn’t spotted before.
Xaldin: I'm thinking maybe the Jewish family should've hid in the basement.
Down to the basement for more ransacking!
When he walked into the basement, Axel’s eyes found chaos.
Axel: Aw damn, I HATE this esper.
Xaldin: Who left Vincent Valentine down here?
He wasn’t sure whether Roxas and Demyx caused it, but there was no way that someone’s basement could naturally look like this.
Zexion: Ahahahahaha...hah.
Demyx: What's so funny?
Zexion: It's just that they mentioned you in the same sentence...
Demyx: ....Shut up.
Magazines were strewn about, bullet casings lay on the ground near a target that appeared to have been shot many times. The once dark blue wallpaper was faded and peeling to reveal the original construction work.
“Over here.” Roxas grabbed Axel’s arm and dragged the redhead over to a table where about a dozen guns were resting.
Axel: Let sleeping guns lie!
While Axel examined the weapons, Roxas helped Demyx load up some glass figurines of the Virgin Mary into the van.
Xaldin: Oh, so they're Catholic Jews.
All: .................
Even more advancement of the plot is completely avoided for talking about bullets.
“That was such a pain!”
It was 7:30 that night and Axel and Roxas were at a popular restaurant for some dinner. Both were complaining about the roundups, which had taken almost the entire day.
Zexion: Yes, they are clearly the wronged party here.
“Isn’t it, though?” Roxas smiled in agreement. “But this is only your first. It gets more annoying when you’ve done as many as I have.”
Axel: GOOD GOD, THIS WHOLE FIC IS ONE GIANT WALKING SEX METAPHOR WITH NAZIS!
“Hey, Roxas? Can I ask you a question?” Axel wondered.
Roxas looked surprised but said, “Go ahead.”
Axel: Did you ever return that sweater I lent you?
“How does it feel to be Aryan?”
Demyx: *as Roxas* Okay but it kind of burns a little when I pee.
Roxas leaned back in his seat and said, “I dunno. I don’t really feel any different from anyone else.”
Zexion: Precisely how would he know how anyone else feels?
Demyx: ...This is getting a little metaphysical for me.
“But you’re the ideal German.” Axel stated needlessly.
Xaldin: Except that he's a little short for a stormtrooper.
“I know. But so many other people could be the ideal German. Like people with black hair and green eyes.”
Zexion: .....These are not the kind of things I would be telling an SS.
Roxas said. “But looks don’t really matter to me.”
“What do you mean?” Axel frowned.
“To me, it doesn’t matter what people look like.” Roxas said, playing with his necklace.
Demyx: *as Roxas* It matters what they SMELL like.
“It matters what people do, what they say…that sort of thing.”
“Same for me.” Axel nodded in agreement. “I personally think this whole ‘purification of Germany’ is a bunch of crap. As long as we aren’t killing each other in the streets, it’s ok.”
Axel: ............
Xaldin: FUNNY THAT YOU MENTION THAT.
Demyx: I'm guessing this is ironic, orrrr?
Zexion: This fic is like watching Thomas Kinkaide try to paint a picture of Auschwitz.
“Couldn’t have said it better myself.” Roxas said with a smile.
Axel: *as Roxas* MY CONTEMPORARY INFLUENCE IS PASTED ON, YAY!
...And then this fic was brought to light.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, this sporking contains many tasteless jokes. Proceed with CAUTION.
-------------------------------------------
Title: If I Was Your Nazi
Author: XFamousXLastXWordsX
Rating:
There will never be enough Ansems in this world to fully convey just how horrible, how offensive this...writing is.
Full Name (including any titles): Roxas and Axel, plus most of the Organization and other main male characters. They also get "German" last names.
Full Species(es): Canonus Nazism
Hair Color (include adjectives): Overly descriptive spikyness.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Cerulean" and "peridot" eyes.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Come on. Peridot eyes? Also, does it count if Axel's father is Himmler?
Special Possessions (if any): The SS Family van. Rare guns and stolen jewelry. Concentration camps. Piles of paperwork. Televisions, even in the 1940s! Roxas has a terribly tacky necklace. A gay Jewish tacky necklace, or something.
Origin: Your high school world history class
Connections To Canon Characters: Doodled them doing each other up the butt on the author's school notes while the class was watching 'Schindler's List.'
Special Abilities: Most of the main characters magically have the ability to view Nazism and the Holocaust through the lens of contemporary thought. That is, when they're not complaining about the cafeteria food. Demyx suddenly has Gaydar?
Other Annoying Traits: It's not a proper yaoi fic without really annoying pet names!
I Say/Notes: Quite honestly, there are no words to accurately describe how sickeningly offensive this fic is on every level of mankind. Nazism, the SS and all things associated with it are treated exactly like high school. Rounding up them Jews? It's a summer job! Speeches from Hitler? Rallies in the gym! Hitler speaking to said "rally?" Man, what a boring speaker for this school meeting! Could Roxas possibly be gay? Tee-hee, wait until the SS gossip column finds out! Heinrich Himmler? That old-fashioned parent who just doesn't understand their gay true love!
Oh, how we wish we were just shitting you.
We suggest the overly sensitive or easily offended skip over this sporking. No really, save your faith in humanity while you've still got some left.
Sample:
Our sporking opens in the selfsame theater. It's a little dusty after not being used for awhile, but at least it's not bleeding from the walls anymore. Axel and Demyx warp in, and head toward the front row. Zexion and Xaldin are seated in there already, with a stack of history textbooks between them. Axel is carrying a case of imported beer with him.
Axel: Hey you losers, check this out. They let us have real German beer at the snack stand! This sporking is gonna rock!
Xaldin and Zexion: ...
Axel: Helloooo? Real imported beer? They never let us have it in the theater? *he waves one around* What's with - hey, what's with all the textbooks?
Xaldin: Sit down and study up, Axel. This fanfic is going to be on the test.
Zexion: And it's already got a failing grade.
Demyx: *seats himself* It's not like anything can be worse than that horror fic with the Sora soup and the blood bath and cannibalism, right?
Zexion and Xaldin: ...
Demyx: ...Riiiiiight?
Axel: *seats himself* Well, I know my confidence is restored in full.
Axel ran through the streets of Berlin, dressed in his formal attire.
Axel: *perks* Going to the cabaret, yes?
He knew that the Führer would not be pleased if Axel was late for the meeting.
Axel: ...Wroooooooooong cabaret.
Xaldin: ...Thanks for giving me the mental image of Hitler in a showgirl getup now.
Especially when Himmler had already told him to be at the Führerbunker at 11 sharp. Axel looked at his watch and learned that it was indeed 10:54.
Zexion: Ironically, it's a Swiss watch.
Demyx: Zing!
He frantically took a shortcut through a side alley and found himself at his destination. After walking through the doors, the redhead found himself face-to-face with Himmler,
Axel: Woah, found that boss battle pretty easy. Now watch how I--
the head of the SS and Axel’s father.
Axel: *SPITTAKE* SPFFFFFFFTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Zexion: Well, now we know where he gets his hatred of all things living from.
Axel stood straight and raised his right hand in the air at an angle in traditional Nazi fashion.
Axel: And then lowered three fingers in traditional Axel fashion. *does so*
Axel shouldn't be late! He has to meet with El Der Fuhrer!
“If you say so…” Axel said. “Have you seen Roxas yet, Father?”
“He is with Goebbles at the moment.” Himmler said. “Why?”
Axel: ROXAS, NOOOOOOOO! GOEBBLES IS NOT SEXY!
Demyx: That sounds kinda like go-burbles when you say it fast.
“I wanted to speak with him.” Axel said. “He is my friend, after all.”
Axel: And like hell am I speaking to anyone if they're not my friend.
“And you could not have chosen a better friend.” Himmler said. “He is the perfect Aryan.”
Xaldin: Not tall enough.
Zexion: Not tan enough.
Demyx: Not muscular enough.
Axel: NOT CRAZYSTUPID ENOUGH
Himmler was referring to the “perfect German”: the Aryan. Anyone who was not Aryan, that is to say blonde hair and blue eyes, was often looked down upon.
Zexion: That's a funny way of saying "persecuted like a redheaded stepchild."
Demyx: You'd figure Hitler would've dyed his hair.
Axel was only a Nazi because his father was a very important man in the Third Reich.
Xaldin: Time for you to inherit the business, son.
Axel: Oh sure, I will--
By the way, that business is Bergen-Belsen.
Axel didn’t really like the job, but he figured he should take anything he got.
Xaldin: You know the economy's bad when even the damned SS can't get summer jobs.
“It’s not because he is Aryan, Father.” Axel said. “We have a lot in common.”
Demyx: Being murderous bigots will do that to a person.
“If you say so.” Himmler didn’t quite believe his son, but knew that it would be pointless to tell him otherwise.
Zexion: ...Why exactly IS that?
Xaldin: *as Himmler* One day son, all this will be yours!
Axel: *as himself* What, the death camps?!
“Do you know when he will be done?” Axel asked.
Xaldin: When the internal temperature reaches 125.
“I have no idea.” Himmler said.
“Well, I’m going to see of the Führer is ready for me yet.” Axel said.
Zexion: He just needs to find the riding crop.
Axel: STOP THAT.
He gave his father the Nazi salute and left for the lower levels of the bunker.
Demyx: *in female voice* DING! Department of Mysteries!
He found Hitler’s office on the 3rd floor, or rather, the 3rd floor underground.
Demyx: Huh, that's the Destiny Islands floor in Castle Oblivion, isn't it?
Zexion: ...I hate this floor already.
After knocking twice, he waited for the Führer’s permission to enter. Upon entering,
Axel: I pulled a Tom Cruise and punched him in his Nazi face?
Axel’s peridot eyes found Adolf Hitler sitting at his desk, reading the Nazi newspaper.
Demyx: ...Peridot?
Zexion: Wouldn't "grün" be more in theme?
Sieg heil!
He opened the folder he was holding and read from the report. “2,000 Jews were admitted into Bergen-Belsen last week. Of that number, 948 men, 153 women, and 57 children were killed.
Axel: Good God, even in historical AUs there's a huge disproportion of men to everyone else!
Their bodies were burned in the crematoriums.”
“How were they killed?” Hitler asked.
Demyx: *as Axel* Well sir, we're not certain, but all signs point to Hitler.
“Some were killed immediately by gas chambers, some were shot.” Axel informed Hitler. “All others were put to work and died from exhaustion.”
Zexion: No percentages? That's a failing grade, Number Eight.
“Very good, very good.” Hitler said to himself.
Demyx: Aaaaaaand cue the Gendo pose!
Axel: *as Hitler, a la Mr. Burns* Eeeeeexcellent.
“Is there anything else, mein Führer?” Axel asked.
“I’ve been thinking of entering you in the SS.” Hitler said.
Axel: Yes! I'm willing to risk it all and go for the LIGHTNING ROUND!
“You have already met the required needs to join.”
Zexion: These being?
Xaldin: He's a protagonist of the story.
Zexion: *scoffs* You can't mean that every protagonist...is....
“If you may permit my asking, sir, why should I be in the SS?” Axel asked.
Zexion: Good point. What qualifications DOES he have?
He had never thought of himself being in the SS. He didn’t like being in the death camps, but what good what he be in the SS?
Demyx: Ten munny on uniform fetish.
“I think you would benefit being in the SS.” Hitler said.
Xaldin: *as Hitler* It's a major step in your career of unadulterated genocide!
“When do you want me to start, sir?” Axel asked.
“I would like you to start on Monday.” Hitler said. “You can find out more information if you need it from your father, I expect.”
Axel: Soooooo basically the SS is just like the local Gamestop.
“Is that all, mein Führer?” Axel asked.
Demyx: *as Hitler* BH-DE-BH-DE-BH-DE-BH-DEEE, THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!
Axel runs off to go find Roxas! He finds him!
“Roxas! I was just coming to find you. Guess what the Führer told me?”
Axel: *as himself* He told me he hates you!
Axel asked, dragging Roxas up the rest of the stairs.
“What?” Roxas asked his friend as they made it outside the Führerbunker.
“I’m going to be in the SS!” Axel jumped up and down.
Axel: I'll make enough money to afford that new DS Lite AND still go on the senior trip to Cancun!
Xaldin: And then he's going to Disneyworld. *deadpan*
“Wow! Congrats, Axel! You’ll be with me now.” Roxas was also in the SS.
Zexion: Congrats on your promotion from Heartless Bastard to Genocidal Maniac.
“I know!” Axel smiled.
“So when do you start?” Roxas asked as they went down to the corner market for some lunch.
Axel: RIGHT AFTER THESE MESSAGES!
“On Monday.” Axel replied. “I can’t wait! I mean, I’ll be with you all day!”
Demyx: And allllllll night.
Zexion: Passing notes, doing MASHes...
“Did the Führer say that?” Roxas asked.
“No, but I think I will be.” Axel said. “I mean, he knows that we’re best friends, so he should put us together.”
Xaldin: What the hell, are they partnering up for science lab in the SS?
Zexion: Well, I suppose you could say that...
“I’m rounding up Jews on Monday.” Roxas said. “Maybe I can convince the Führer to let you come with me.”
Axel: *as himself* Oh goody, then maybe afterwards we can stop by the Gap and pick up some 501s!
“That would be great.” Axel said with a smile. “Where are you rounding?”
Zexion: To the tenth power.
“5th, 6th, 7th, 8th and 13th streets.” Roxas said. “Your dad has me doing serious errands, you know?”
Axel: I know, geez. Gotta drop the Jews off at soccer practice, pick up some fresh Jews from the grocery store, go pick up my Jews from the laundromat, then head to the post office to mail some Jews. What a pain!
Xaldin: And pick up some sauerkraut on the way back!
Demyx: ...Can we get barf bags with this sporking, at least?
“Dad’s a bit crazy sometimes.” Axel said.
All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAhahaha...haaaah.
Oh boy oh joy, tomorrow's genocide is gonna be SUCH. FUN.
Roxas gave a smile then a wave and walked off. As Axel watched the blonde go, an uneasy feeling erupted in his stomach.
Zexion: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you!
Axel had a feeling he knew what this feeling was. He’d felt it when he’d seen some cute girls back at grade school.
Xaldin: Spring: When a young man's fancies lightly turn to thoughts of pedophilia.
But if he was in love with Roxas, he would be gay, which was looked down upon by Nazis. What was a guy to do?
Zexion: ...
Demyx: WUAH-WUAH-WUUUUAAAAAHHH!
Xaldin: Find out, on the next episode of "That's Our Nazi!"
Zexion: ...
Axel: I am SO SHOCKED by this development, you three. SO shocked.
Zexion: ...looked down on?
Axel walked up 21st Street to the apartments. Where was the redhead going?
Demyx: To find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
Zexion: What, doesn't the author know?
Xaldin: Probably not.
To Roxas’ apartment, of course.
Demyx: Oh, RHETORICAL questions. Or something.
Himmler was delighted that his son’s best friend was Aryan and allowed the two to hang out as often as possible.
Xaldin: He was especially delighted when he learned they were sharing a bed.
Axel couldn’t understand why his father couldn’t see that the redhead didn’t care if Roxas was Aryan or not.
Xaldin: Probably need to get his prescription fixed on his eyeglasses.
Demyx: *sings* If you were Aryan...that'd be okay!
To Axel, it didn’t matter what someone looked like.
Zexion: All that mattered was whether or not they had a penis.
But Heinrich Himmler failed to see that.
Zexion: Yeah, he could be a real Nazi about these sorts of things.
Axel and Roxas are gonna play chess. Woooooo.
“I guess so.” Roxas said. “Do you want to set the board up?”
Axel: Nah, it's better on rumpled sheets.
Demyx: *claps* Oooh, time for flannel-graphs!
“I call white.” Axel said with a grin
Xaldin: *as Axel* --Supremacist, that is.
as he walked over to the coffee table in the small living room where the chessboard was laying.
“Damn.” Roxas said.
“You should know by now that I always call white first.” Axel said, lining up a row of ivory pawns closest to him.
Xaldin: So basically, the fic is saying he has no staying power.
Axel: LIES AND SLANDER
“I really should, shouldn’t I?” Roxas said, sitting opposite Axel at the small table.
Zexion: Suddenly this fic is Searching for Roxas Fischer.
The two played chess for a while. Roxas easily won the first match; Axel had accidentally moved his knight at the wrong time and left his king wide open for a checkmate.
Xaldin: Yup, definitely no staying power.
Demyx: Topped from the bottom by a little kid, Axel? Bad form, bad form.
They were on their second game and Axel was contemplating where he should move his rook when several knocks sounded at the door.
Axel: *BANG BANG BANG* OPEN UP, THIS IS THE SS! ...Oh wait.
Rolling his cerulean eyes, Roxas left the table and went to open the door.
Demyx: DING-DONG, CANDYGRAM.
Axel: A landshark would improve this fic by about 500%.
Zexion, head of the death camp in Dachau, walked through the door, silver hair in his eyes as usual.
Xaldin: Because that sort of sloppy haircut would've been so accepted in the SS!
Axel: They probably just felt bad for him 'cause he went gray early.
Zexion: *fwaps with history textbook*
“What’s up, Zexy?” Axel asked as he made his move.
Axel: *as Zexion* You study for the Nazi test that's on Friday, man?
“Is that any way to greet a fellow Nazi?” Zexion reprimanded the redhead.
Axel: *as self* I'm sorry, you're right. *punches Zexion in the face*
Zexion: ?!?!!?!
Axel: THAT is how you greet a Nazi.
Zexion has important things to report!
“500,000 Jews were admitted into Dachau in the last 10 days.” Zexion began.
“500,000?” Axel’s peridot eyes widened in surprise.
Demyx: IT'S OVER 500 THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!
Axel: While my normal green eyes stayed shut.
“May I finish?” Zexion said acidly.
All: No.
Zexion: *glare*
“You will anyway.” Roxas smiled.
“Of that number, 4,981 men, 1,037 women and 528 children are now dead.” Zexion rambled on.
Xaldin: *as Zexion* Blah blah blah, yada yada, people dying in the streets yappity yap you know the drill.
Demyx: Forget concentration camps, everyone in Europe's gonna die off anyway with such an overabundance of men!
Axel: I predict Nazi mpreg.
Won't Larxene love that!
“Are the graves doing ok?” Roxas asked, making his move.
Zexion: *as himself* They appear to be full of dead things, sir.
Xaldin: Highly romantic pickup line, that.
“They aren’t living, Roxas.” Axel said with a smile.
All: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAAAhahahaha...haaaaaah.
“I meant if more need to be dug.” Roxas rolled his cerulean eyes.
Axel: Gee, if only there was a convenient supply of slave labor just hanging around to dig them! OH WAIT.
Demyx: Roxas's eyes are CERULEAN? Really? I had no clue!
“Not yet.” Zexion said. “We will in another month or so, but not now.”
Zexion: *sarcasm* Well you know, it's not like you can rush a final solution or anything.
“I can ask Dad if he’ll let us go up and dig some.” Axel said. “But digging graves in annoying.”
All: *slackjawed*
Demyx: This fic would offend the Hetalia kinkmeme.
“Than don’t do it.” Zexion rolled his eyes.
“Ok.” Axel said, moving his bishop across the board.
Axel: PROBLEM SOLVED.
“What are you two doing today?” Zexion asked.
Demyx: The same thing we do every night!
Axel: TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Xaldin: ...Ohhhh, bad pun.
Zexion exits right, pursued by a Nazi.
“He’s insane.” Roxas said, eyes fixed on the chess board in front of him.
“Then why is he in charge of one of the death camps, Roxie?” Axel said.
Zexion: You just answered your own question.
Axel: ...Wait, Roxie?!
“Roxie?” Roxas stared at the redhead in confusion. “Since when do you call me Roxie?”
Demyx: *plays* YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THAT RED ARMBAND TONIIIIIIGHT!...
“Since now.” Axel said. “It’s your new nickname.”
Axel: Sucks, doesn't it?
”But you don’t have a nickname.” Roxas said, making his move. “Besides flaming pyro.”
Axel: The more things change...
Zexion: Sucks, doesn't it?
Roxas has tacky jewelry and Axel has to go visit a death camp tomorrow, ho-hum! But Roxas has something important to say…
Roxas opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again and said nothing.
“I can’t tell you.” Roxas said.
Demyx: That doesn't sound like "said nothing" to me.
Axel: God forbid we advance plot or characterization! Man, that was a close one.
“What?” Axel seemed surprised. “Why not, Roxas?”
Zexion: Because the audience can already guess it coming from a mile away?
“I don’t think you’ll want to be friends with me anymore if I told you.” Roxas said.
Demyx: *as Roxas* I'm.....a babyfur!
“I’ll always want to be friends with you.” Axel said. “You know that. Nothing you say can make me change my mind about being your friend.”
Demyx: *sings* Oooooh, you're makin' me live!
Xaldin: *as Roxas* I'm...actually a woman.
Zexion: *as Axel* Buhbye.
“I know.” Roxas said. “But I think I shouldn’t tell you. Especially since your father is one of the big guys in the SS.”
“He’s in charge of the SS, Roxas.” Axel said with a smile.
Axel: It's such a HAPPY thing, isn't it?
“I’ll tell you when I feel like I can talk about it, ok?” Roxas said.
Zexion: Maybe he should bring this up in SS Peer Group Discussion next week.
“Ok.” Axel said.
They continued their game; Axel was distracted throughout the remainder of it. What did Roxas want to tell him? He couldn’t be Jewish, could he?
All: NAWWWWWWWW
But Axel wouldn’t care if the blonde was Jewish. Himmler would, but Axel wouldn’t. What was Roxas going to tell him? And would Axel still be his friend?
Xaldin: Will the wolf survive?
Demyx: What about Andrea, and her love for Chad? And what of Naomi's baby?
Zexion: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Axel: CALL NOW AND FIND OUT!
When Axel woke up on Monday morning, he wondered what time it was.
Demyx: TIME TO D-D-D-D-DUEL!
Looking at the clock on his bedside table, he learned that it was just after 8 O’clock.
Xaldin: --In the evening.
Axel: OOPS.
He had to be at the Führerbunker by 9 to receive his orders for the roundup. Axel knew that Roxas would be going with him along with Demyx and possibly Luxord.
Sighing, Axel got out of bed and changed into the SS uniform he had acquired from his father.
Zexion: And it's made out of cardboard.
Axel: Then I'm going to go eat some bread that tastes like wood.
Demyx: *singing* Vehn der Fuhrer says, ve is the master race...ve HEIL! Ve HEIL! Right in der Fuhrer's face!
After eating his breakfast of plain bagels, the redhead left for the Führerbunker.
Xaldin: Cream cheese is so capitalist.
Axel meets up with Roxas!
“Yeah, I do.” Axel smiled. “So where are we headed today?”
“Himmler changed the plans.” Roxas said. “Marluxia and Luxord got our route.”
Xaldin: What are they, paper boys?
“So where are we headed?” Axel repeated his previous question.
Xaldin: *as Roxas* Himmler changed the plans. Marluxia and Luxord got our route.
Axel: TIME PARADOX OSHI-
“The apartments around Yorkshire Avenue and Stonewall Boulevard.” Roxas said.
Zexion: Germany: the other, smaller Great Britain!
Axel: We're gonna take a lorry down to the pub and pick up some bangers and mash for lunch, too.
Boo-hoo, Roxas is stuck with dumb ol' Demyx.
“Got a date with someone, Axel?” Demyx smiled.
“Of course not.” Axel shook his head as they got in the standard SS van. “Who in their right mind would want to date me?”
Zexion: Used napkins?
Xaldin: Dead squirrels?
Demyx: Little bits of plastic that break off model kits?
Axel: ..."Standard" SS van? Are we the Partridge Family?
“Someone might.” Roxas said as he fastened his seatbelt while trying to ignore Demyx, who was seated next to him in the backseat.
Demyx: *jumps away, dodging a Foreshadowing Anvil that never falls*
Axel: I think the last one ruined him.
Xaldin: What one? *curious*
Zexion: Not again! *shoves Demyx out of his lap*
“I wouldn’t count on it.” Axel said grimly. “All the girls go for Riku.”
Zexion: Now that's an unusual twist on the old--
“No they don’t.” Riku replied
Zexion: --Orrrrrrrr not.
as Axel pulled the van out of the parking lot and headed off to Stonewall Boulevard.
Xaldin: Hopefully the rugby game will be on at the pub while they eat their fish and chips.
“You don’t pay much attention to girls, do you?” Demyx said with a small smile.
Demyx: ...Am I hitting on him?
Insert bad attempt at gay foreshadowing here.
They arrived at Stonewall Boulevard a few minutes later. Somehow, Demyx had fallen asleep.
Zexion: The professionalism is astounding.
“Wake up, Demyx.” Roxas smacked the sleeping SS in the back of the head.
Axel: *as Roxas* Honey, get on your shoes, we're stopping for gas and a bathroom break.
Demyx: *as himself* I want a Slurpee!
“Dammit, Roxas!” Demyx screeched. “What was that for?”
Xaldin: Existing.
Demyx: *pout*
“You were asleep.” Axel said, clambering out of the van.
“Just get going already.” Riku ordered impatiently. “We have to go to Yorkshire Avenue as well and you know how many Jews are there.”
Xaldin: Yeah, they're probably all up there having tea and discussing cricket right at this very moment.
“Yeah, yeah.” Demyx grumbled darkly.
The 4 SS walked up to the door of number 3 Stonewall Avenue, a place where the owners had been hiding a Jewish family for several months.
Axel: So basically, the SS is incompetent.
Demyx: Oh, those wacky Nazis!
Axel forcefully kicked the door open; so hard, in fact, that it came off the hinges entirely.
Axel: *as the Kool-Aid Guy* OHHHHHHHH YEAH!
“Nice work.” Roxas smirked.
“Thanks.” Axel smiled in reply.
Zexion: That's some talent for him to be able to smile his dialogue.
The blonde followed Demyx up to the attic, where it was assumed that the Jews were hiding.
Demyx: ANNE FRANK, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
In the meantime, Riku and Axel started looking through the belongings on the ground floor for anything valuable.
“So what are we looking for?” Axel asked.
Axel: One-Eyed Willie's treasure map.
Demyx: A doorway into Narnia!
Zexion: Any scrap of decency?
Xaldin: Whatever it is, you couldn't find it in an empty room with neon signs.
They start ransacking the place!
“So what are we looking for?” the redhead repeated his previous question.
“Anything valuable, basically.” Riku answered. “Especially rare and valuable.”
Demyx: Mystery Goo?
Xaldin: If you guys find a Celebi, let me know.
Zexion: I'll trade you mine if you have a Mew.
Axel: Screw you guys, I'm looking for a Missingno.
“That’s it?” Axel wanted to know.
“That’s it.” Riku said.
“What do we do with the stuff we find?” Axel asked.
Axel: EAT IT.
They get to discussing Axel's parentage. Turns out, he's a bastard child!
“Am I missing something here?” Riku looked quizzically at the redhead, a stack of papers in his right hand. “How could she not know about you? She is your mother, right?”
Zexion: Nope, Axel is Rosemary's baby.
“Nope.” Axel shook his head.
“She isn’t?” Riku questioned.
Axel: Nazi mpreg! I KNEW IT.
“No.” Axel grimaced. “Father had an affair with an office worker and I’m the result.”
Xaldin: I would've thrown that one back.
“Oh man…” Riku’s eyes widened. “So do you know your real mom?”
“Nah.” Axel opened the drawers of a nearby desk and searched through the contents. “Father took me to live with his sister in northern Germany.”
Zexion: But...isn't that...why...
Xaldin: Clearly, Himmler is exactly the kind of man to care about his bastards.
“That’s sad, Axel.” Riku said slowly.
Zexion: In SO many different ways.
Demyx and Roxas return from...something.
“When did you get back?” Axel asked.
“Ten minutes ago.” Demyx said before disappearing out the door.
Zexion: This ransacking and pillaging is more like watching someone fritter away their afternoon.
Axel followed the other two and loaded the items in the van. He then turned to Roxas and asked, “Can you guys help me get the rest? And where did you find that desk?”
Xaldin: Desks-R-Us, of course.
Demyx: Like it? I was gonna name it Sparkles.
“In the basement.” Roxas said as they walked back into the house.
“There’s a basement?” Axel frowned.
All: ...*facepalm*
“Yeah.” Demyx answered from the kitchen.
“How much did you get down there?” Axel asked as he followed the blonde down the steps into the basement that he hadn’t spotted before.
Xaldin: I'm thinking maybe the Jewish family should've hid in the basement.
Down to the basement for more ransacking!
When he walked into the basement, Axel’s eyes found chaos.
Axel: Aw damn, I HATE this esper.
Xaldin: Who left Vincent Valentine down here?
He wasn’t sure whether Roxas and Demyx caused it, but there was no way that someone’s basement could naturally look like this.
Zexion: Ahahahahaha...hah.
Demyx: What's so funny?
Zexion: It's just that they mentioned you in the same sentence...
Demyx: ....Shut up.
Magazines were strewn about, bullet casings lay on the ground near a target that appeared to have been shot many times. The once dark blue wallpaper was faded and peeling to reveal the original construction work.
“Over here.” Roxas grabbed Axel’s arm and dragged the redhead over to a table where about a dozen guns were resting.
Axel: Let sleeping guns lie!
While Axel examined the weapons, Roxas helped Demyx load up some glass figurines of the Virgin Mary into the van.
Xaldin: Oh, so they're Catholic Jews.
All: .................
Even more advancement of the plot is completely avoided for talking about bullets.
“That was such a pain!”
It was 7:30 that night and Axel and Roxas were at a popular restaurant for some dinner. Both were complaining about the roundups, which had taken almost the entire day.
Zexion: Yes, they are clearly the wronged party here.
“Isn’t it, though?” Roxas smiled in agreement. “But this is only your first. It gets more annoying when you’ve done as many as I have.”
Axel: GOOD GOD, THIS WHOLE FIC IS ONE GIANT WALKING SEX METAPHOR WITH NAZIS!
“Hey, Roxas? Can I ask you a question?” Axel wondered.
Roxas looked surprised but said, “Go ahead.”
Axel: Did you ever return that sweater I lent you?
“How does it feel to be Aryan?”
Demyx: *as Roxas* Okay but it kind of burns a little when I pee.
Roxas leaned back in his seat and said, “I dunno. I don’t really feel any different from anyone else.”
Zexion: Precisely how would he know how anyone else feels?
Demyx: ...This is getting a little metaphysical for me.
“But you’re the ideal German.” Axel stated needlessly.
Xaldin: Except that he's a little short for a stormtrooper.
“I know. But so many other people could be the ideal German. Like people with black hair and green eyes.”
Zexion: .....These are not the kind of things I would be telling an SS.
Roxas said. “But looks don’t really matter to me.”
“What do you mean?” Axel frowned.
“To me, it doesn’t matter what people look like.” Roxas said, playing with his necklace.
Demyx: *as Roxas* It matters what they SMELL like.
“It matters what people do, what they say…that sort of thing.”
“Same for me.” Axel nodded in agreement. “I personally think this whole ‘purification of Germany’ is a bunch of crap. As long as we aren’t killing each other in the streets, it’s ok.”
Axel: ............
Xaldin: FUNNY THAT YOU MENTION THAT.
Demyx: I'm guessing this is ironic, orrrr?
Zexion: This fic is like watching Thomas Kinkaide try to paint a picture of Auschwitz.
“Couldn’t have said it better myself.” Roxas said with a smile.
Axel: *as Roxas* MY CONTEMPORARY INFLUENCE IS PASTED ON, YAY!