fic: plumberium, by shrift
Title: Plumberium
Author: shrift
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,156
Summary: Toilets are a necessary evil.
Notes: Beta thanks go to nestra. Marginally inspired by Actual Events.
The official word came during the noon rundown.
"I have been asked by the facilities manager to inform all employees that the building's pump system is down," Dana said. She looked up from her clipboard. "None of the toilets in the building are flushing."
"What are we supposed to do?" Dan asked.
"Maintenance is working on it," Dana told him.
"No, I mean, what if we have to go," Dan said, raising his eyebrows significantly.
"Hold it," Dana said.
"Hold it? We're not astronauts, Dana. We haven't trained for this," Dan said.
Dana stared at him steadily. "You can start your training now. I'll send someone for Depends."
"No Depends for me," Casey announced. "Some of us don't suffer from weak bladders."
Casey was feeling a little triumphant, possibly because he'd managed to use the bathroom shortly before the water stopped working.
"I do not have a weak bladder. I have a bladder like a camel," Dan said.
Jeremy squinted. "Since when are camels known for their bladder control?"
"Since when are they known for incontinence?" Dan countered.
"Touché," Jeremy said.
"I was wondering why the toilets were bubbling," Natalie said around the sucker in her mouth.
"Bubbling? What, like, 'double, double toil and trouble; fire burn, and cauldron bubble'?" Casey asked.
Natalie pulled the grape sucker out of her mouth with a pop and pointed it at Casey. "For implying that I am a witch, your pants privileges have hereby been revoked."
"Hey!" Casey protested.
Dan patted Casey's shoulder. "Should've stuck with Henry V."
***
At three o'clock, Dan came back from the Au Bon Pain across the street with a medium coffee and a mournful expression on his face.
"The bathrooms were closed for cleaning," Dan said.
"You do realize that coffee is a diuretic," Casey said from their computer desk.
"I know," Dan said. He pressed his mouth to the white plastic lid of his coffee cup and inhaled noisily, his nostrils flaring. "I just wanted to smell it."
"You're a sick man, Dan Rydell," Casey said.
"Caffeine," Dan crooned. "I miss you already."
Jeremy walked into their office with a stack of tapes in his arms. "Did you know that there is some disagreement as to who invented the modern flush toilet?"
"It wasn't Thomas Crapper?" Casey asked.
"That's an urban legend," Jeremy said.
"We are not discussing the history of plumbing right now," Dan said.
Jeremy put the stack of tapes on their desk. "The toilet has a long and noble history."
"We are not discussing the history of plumbing because I have to pee," Dan said.
"King Minos of Crete owned the world's first flushing water closet," Jeremy said.
Dan glared at him. "I don't think you can conceive of how little I care at this moment."
"I just thought I'd mention it," Jeremy said.
"Okay. Now never mention it again," Dan said.
"There are chamber pots on eBay," Casey announced. He turned the monitor so Dan could see. "I could bid on one for you."
"I would like to mention that I am very tempted to throw this hot coffee on you right now," Dan said.
"Take that as a 'no', then," Casey said. He turned the monitor back.
"If you get me a chamber pot for my birthday, there will be consequences, Casey," Dan said.
Casey put in a bid on something pink and floral.
"Dire consequences," Dan said.
***
"You could just pee and not flush," Casey said at a quarter to five.
Dan shook his head. "Flushing and washing my hands is an integral part of the process."
"I have hand sanitizer," Casey said.
Dan shook his head, and grimly said, "No, thank you. I'll be fine."
***
"I would like to thank the anonymous person who gave me the book on bedwetting," Dan said as he hobbled into the six o'clock rundown. "It was very informative."
"Was it Sammy the Elephant & Mr. Camel?" Casey asked.
"You!" Dan yelled, his index finger now a centimeter away from Casey's nose.
"Hey!" Casey said, raising his hands. "You know we had trouble potty-training Charlie."
Dan removed his finger and shook out his shoulders. "Yeah. Sorry. It's just --"
"You haven't been to the bathroom in seven hours," Casey said.
Dan carefully sat next to him. "You're timing me now?"
"You told me five minutes ago," Casey said. "Five minutes before that, you also gave me an update. Do you know what happened fifteen minutes ago?"
"I made a brilliant point about the chances of the Utah Jazz making it to the Western Conference finals?" Dan ventured.
"Dan, right now I know more about your urinary tract than your urologist," Casey said.
"Is anyone else finding this conversation disturbing?" Elliott asked.
The "yes" was unanimous.
***
"Neither fit for man nor beast," Dan reported at seven o'clock when he returned from the McDonald's down the street.
Casey manfully resisted saying, "I told you so."
Dan examined his hands. "Do I look like I'm developing jaundice?"
***
After listening to Dan whimper nonstop for twenty minutes, Casey loomed over him and said, "That's it. We're going to Anthony's."
Dan looked up at him miserably from where he was sprawled on the couch. "No. The last time we were there, some guy asked me for my autograph."
"Someone always asks for your autograph when we're at Anthony's."
"I was standing in front of a urinal at the time," Dan clarified.
"I'll come with you and guard your virtue," Casey said.
"You're a true friend, Casey."
"Also, I don't want to write your script for you."
"A true friend and a philanthropist," Dan said. "Help me up."
They made it through the bullpen, down the elevator, across the street, and into the back hallway of Anthony's where the bathrooms were before Dan saw fit to inform Casey that, "I can't pee while you're listening."
"I'll wait out here," Casey said.
Several minutes later, Dan yelled from inside the bathroom, "I can hear you listening!"
In response, Casey launched into the St. Crispin's Day speech. He made it all the way to "for he today that sheds his blood with me" before he heard a single noise through the closed door, and by "hold their manhoods cheap," Dan was making downright pornographic noises. Casey had to start the speech over again while waiting for Dan to finish peeing.
They were late to the eight o'clock rundown.
"I'm glad you two could make it," Dana said, peering over the top of her glasses. "Good news. The pump system is working again. You may now pee freely."
"What'd they have to do to fix it, build an aqueduct?" Dan asked.
From the back of the conference room, Jeremy said, "The word 'plumber' originates from the Latin plumberium --"
"Nobody cares anymore, sweetie," Natalie said.
"Pee freely!" Dana said again.
"You've been waiting all day to make that joke, haven't you," Casey said.
the end.
Author: shrift
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,156
Summary: Toilets are a necessary evil.
Notes: Beta thanks go to nestra. Marginally inspired by Actual Events.
The official word came during the noon rundown.
"I have been asked by the facilities manager to inform all employees that the building's pump system is down," Dana said. She looked up from her clipboard. "None of the toilets in the building are flushing."
"What are we supposed to do?" Dan asked.
"Maintenance is working on it," Dana told him.
"No, I mean, what if we have to go," Dan said, raising his eyebrows significantly.
"Hold it," Dana said.
"Hold it? We're not astronauts, Dana. We haven't trained for this," Dan said.
Dana stared at him steadily. "You can start your training now. I'll send someone for Depends."
"No Depends for me," Casey announced. "Some of us don't suffer from weak bladders."
Casey was feeling a little triumphant, possibly because he'd managed to use the bathroom shortly before the water stopped working.
"I do not have a weak bladder. I have a bladder like a camel," Dan said.
Jeremy squinted. "Since when are camels known for their bladder control?"
"Since when are they known for incontinence?" Dan countered.
"Touché," Jeremy said.
"I was wondering why the toilets were bubbling," Natalie said around the sucker in her mouth.
"Bubbling? What, like, 'double, double toil and trouble; fire burn, and cauldron bubble'?" Casey asked.
Natalie pulled the grape sucker out of her mouth with a pop and pointed it at Casey. "For implying that I am a witch, your pants privileges have hereby been revoked."
"Hey!" Casey protested.
Dan patted Casey's shoulder. "Should've stuck with Henry V."
***
At three o'clock, Dan came back from the Au Bon Pain across the street with a medium coffee and a mournful expression on his face.
"The bathrooms were closed for cleaning," Dan said.
"You do realize that coffee is a diuretic," Casey said from their computer desk.
"I know," Dan said. He pressed his mouth to the white plastic lid of his coffee cup and inhaled noisily, his nostrils flaring. "I just wanted to smell it."
"You're a sick man, Dan Rydell," Casey said.
"Caffeine," Dan crooned. "I miss you already."
Jeremy walked into their office with a stack of tapes in his arms. "Did you know that there is some disagreement as to who invented the modern flush toilet?"
"It wasn't Thomas Crapper?" Casey asked.
"That's an urban legend," Jeremy said.
"We are not discussing the history of plumbing right now," Dan said.
Jeremy put the stack of tapes on their desk. "The toilet has a long and noble history."
"We are not discussing the history of plumbing because I have to pee," Dan said.
"King Minos of Crete owned the world's first flushing water closet," Jeremy said.
Dan glared at him. "I don't think you can conceive of how little I care at this moment."
"I just thought I'd mention it," Jeremy said.
"Okay. Now never mention it again," Dan said.
"There are chamber pots on eBay," Casey announced. He turned the monitor so Dan could see. "I could bid on one for you."
"I would like to mention that I am very tempted to throw this hot coffee on you right now," Dan said.
"Take that as a 'no', then," Casey said. He turned the monitor back.
"If you get me a chamber pot for my birthday, there will be consequences, Casey," Dan said.
Casey put in a bid on something pink and floral.
"Dire consequences," Dan said.
***
"You could just pee and not flush," Casey said at a quarter to five.
Dan shook his head. "Flushing and washing my hands is an integral part of the process."
"I have hand sanitizer," Casey said.
Dan shook his head, and grimly said, "No, thank you. I'll be fine."
***
"I would like to thank the anonymous person who gave me the book on bedwetting," Dan said as he hobbled into the six o'clock rundown. "It was very informative."
"Was it Sammy the Elephant & Mr. Camel?" Casey asked.
"You!" Dan yelled, his index finger now a centimeter away from Casey's nose.
"Hey!" Casey said, raising his hands. "You know we had trouble potty-training Charlie."
Dan removed his finger and shook out his shoulders. "Yeah. Sorry. It's just --"
"You haven't been to the bathroom in seven hours," Casey said.
Dan carefully sat next to him. "You're timing me now?"
"You told me five minutes ago," Casey said. "Five minutes before that, you also gave me an update. Do you know what happened fifteen minutes ago?"
"I made a brilliant point about the chances of the Utah Jazz making it to the Western Conference finals?" Dan ventured.
"Dan, right now I know more about your urinary tract than your urologist," Casey said.
"Is anyone else finding this conversation disturbing?" Elliott asked.
The "yes" was unanimous.
***
"Neither fit for man nor beast," Dan reported at seven o'clock when he returned from the McDonald's down the street.
Casey manfully resisted saying, "I told you so."
Dan examined his hands. "Do I look like I'm developing jaundice?"
***
After listening to Dan whimper nonstop for twenty minutes, Casey loomed over him and said, "That's it. We're going to Anthony's."
Dan looked up at him miserably from where he was sprawled on the couch. "No. The last time we were there, some guy asked me for my autograph."
"Someone always asks for your autograph when we're at Anthony's."
"I was standing in front of a urinal at the time," Dan clarified.
"I'll come with you and guard your virtue," Casey said.
"You're a true friend, Casey."
"Also, I don't want to write your script for you."
"A true friend and a philanthropist," Dan said. "Help me up."
They made it through the bullpen, down the elevator, across the street, and into the back hallway of Anthony's where the bathrooms were before Dan saw fit to inform Casey that, "I can't pee while you're listening."
"I'll wait out here," Casey said.
Several minutes later, Dan yelled from inside the bathroom, "I can hear you listening!"
In response, Casey launched into the St. Crispin's Day speech. He made it all the way to "for he today that sheds his blood with me" before he heard a single noise through the closed door, and by "hold their manhoods cheap," Dan was making downright pornographic noises. Casey had to start the speech over again while waiting for Dan to finish peeing.
They were late to the eight o'clock rundown.
"I'm glad you two could make it," Dana said, peering over the top of her glasses. "Good news. The pump system is working again. You may now pee freely."
"What'd they have to do to fix it, build an aqueduct?" Dan asked.
From the back of the conference room, Jeremy said, "The word 'plumber' originates from the Latin plumberium --"
"Nobody cares anymore, sweetie," Natalie said.
"Pee freely!" Dana said again.
"You've been waiting all day to make that joke, haven't you," Casey said.
the end.