For: rosalui
For: rosalui
Title: Apply Palm Directly to Face
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slight OOC-ness on Sasuke’s part. Both being their normal idiot selves.
Summary: When working for an eccentric billionaire, there's only one thing to do.
Mod note: Reminder for the author/artist of this submission, please do not reply to comments signed in, if you want to reply anon commenting is enabled.
It took Naruto twenty-three years to reach his dream job. It took him twenty-three hours to pack, commandeer Kiba’s car and drive east to the city. It took him twenty-three minutes to locate his new boss's house and it took him twenty-three seconds to realize his boss was a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Naruto had never met Uchiha Sasuke although he certainly knew of him. The brilliant CEO of a weapons development company, Naruto had almost had a fit when he heard Uchiha needed a new assistant. He applied for the job, passed the interview with flying colors (and Sakura said that an orange shirt would just get him laughed at) and was going to meet his new boss for the first time.
“This is a disgrace,” came the disgusted mutter. A dark-haired man was dissecting a piece of toast. He was handling it with his fingertips as if it was something disgusting and he dared not soil his hands.
“Uchiha-sama,” the serious-faced man who had let Naruto in called.
“Hn.”
“Your new assistant, sir.”
“Tell him to leave it at the door.”
Naruto blinked. Leave what? Before he could ask the butler-was he the butler?-what he meant, the man bowed away. Naruto let out a small squawk before turning back to his would-be boss. He was now glaring at the toaster as if it had just insulted his mother.
“Er, Uchiha-sama?”
“Quiet.”
“Okay.” Naruto bit the inside of his cheek. When he saw Uchiha begin dismantling the toaster, however, his curiosity got the best of him. “What are you doing?”
“This toaster is a disgrace,” he stated. “The toast is always burnt or not done. That is unacceptable by my standards.”
He was annoyed by toast? Unacceptable toast? The hell?
Forget crazy. His boss was psychotic.
“Maybe you should fiddle with the knob…?” Naruto offered.
“Hn.” That was his only response. A ‘hn’. And in all this time, Uchiha hadn’t once turned around to look at him. If there was one thing Naruto despised, it was being ignored.
Being ignored for a damned toaster was something that he couldn’t even wrap his head around.
“Uh, Uchiha-sama, my name is Uzumaki Naruto. I’m here as your new assist-”
“Maybe if I reroute the wiring, install a chip...”
Naruto's left eye began twitching. “Er, Uchiha-sama, I would-”
“A different alloy might transmit heat better.”
Okay. That was it. Naruto stalked forward and tapped Uchiha on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, I-I-I-uh…” Naruto was staring. He knew it. He couldn’t dredge up the energy to care.
While he might have been about to dial the police and report a 5150, he promptly found his mind going blank at how ridiculously hot Uchiha was. He had fine, delicate features, almost porcelain-like, with fair skin that served as a stunning contrast to his black hair and dark eyes. His button-down shirt was half-undone and Naruto caught a glimpse of a pale, muscled chest.
Naruto thought he might need to prescribe himself cold showers in order to work calmly.
Uchiha's eyes ran over him quickly. His body language shifted from tense and annoyed to fluid and smooth. “Who are you?”
“Uzumaki Naruto.” Naruto was very proud of himself for remembering his name.
“And why are you here?” Uchiha stepped forward.
“I'm here for the assistant job, Uchiha-sama.” Because he was so pretty, Naruto forgave him the obvious evidence that Uchiha had been ignoring him.
He shook his head. “Call me Sasuke...Naruto.” It sounded like he was savoring Naruto's name.
“Uh...” His mind was about to jump ship. It really was horribly unfair that Uchiha, Sasuke, boss, whatever was so good-looking.
“So you're my new assistant.” Again those eyes ran over him and Naruto felt like he was being disrobed. Wait. What? He shook his head slightly and forced his mind out of the gutter it had fallen into, singing drunkenly.
“Uh, yes, Uch-Sasuke.”
“Hmm. It's hard work. You may need to pull all-nighters.”
“I can handle it,” Naruto said quickly. He could hear warning bells ringing, but ignored them. Good first impression. Good first impression. That's what he needed. He smiled winningly. “I can catch anything you pitch at me.”
Baseball? A baseball analogy? He couldn't come up with anything better? Naruto inwardly groaned.
Sasuke, however, didn't seem to find the comment stupid. “I wonder,” he said. “Why don't we find out?”
Naruto squared his shoulders. No matter what Sasuke asked him to do, he would prove himself. He needed this job, his boss was fine (in more ways than one) and he really wanted his paycheck. No matter what Sasuke said, Naruto would be professional and serious.
“Do you take it up the ass?”
Naruto choked.
Apparently, his boss was a fucking whack job.
*
He should have really read the fine print. It was the thought running through Naruto’s head two days later as he struggled to find clean clothes for Sasuke. He hadn’t been hired as Sasuke’s assistant. He had been hired as Sasuke’s mother.
Naruto had been the last in his class for years. He’d made his fair share of stupid-ass mistakes. But it frankly astounded him how stupid someone so intelligent could be. Especially someone as brilliant and well educated as Sasuke.
The man was an idiot. He could create a weapon of mass destruction out of rubber bands and spit, but couldn’t remember his own shoe size. He had to be some sort of moron. An advanced species of moron with a knack for making things go boom.
And who apparently had a love for sex to challenge Hugh Heffner in his prime.
Naruto rolled his eyes, thinking of his first day. 'Do you take it up the ass?' The fuck kind of question was that? And he'd asked it like he was asking Naruto to please pass him the butter at dinner! As attractive (and smoking and hot and super fine) as Sasuke was, the fact remained that he was Naruto's boss and there were certain lines one didn't cross. And while Naruto might have toed many lines on occasion (and danced on them and skipped across them and flat out run across them laughing hysterically), this was one he absolutely refused to tempt.
So he had politely turned Sasuke down. Which only made Sasuke think he was playing hard to get. And it was really hard to keep a clear mind and strong hold on your values when someone like Sasuke was tugging your pant's zipper down with his teeth.
Sakura always said Naruto thought with his penis. He would have to submit his meeting with Sasuke as evidence that he did, in fact, possess a mind that was not controlled by his libido. Even if it was a very small part that was taking a very severe beating from his sex drive while Sasuke refused to help matters.
At dinner, he had constantly tossed off one-liners ripe with innuendo. When Naruto began organizing his schedule (which had not seen the light of day since the last assistant quit and Naruto had been certain it was a dark void of horror that was going to swallow him whole), Sasuke had suggested leaving blocks of times between meetings for a quickie. The day before, while giving Naruto a tour of his office, Sasuke had crooked a finger at Naruto, asking him to come closer. When he did, Sasuke had smirked.
“If I got you to come with one finger, can you imagine what I could do to you with my hand?”
Naruto had called him a perverted bastard, told him he had a meeting in ten minutes with the board of directors and stomped away to his desk. Sasuke's laughter had trailed behind him.
Now, after escorting the poor soul Sasuke had seduced the night before from the premises, he was hunting for his elusive, irritating and still too pretty boss. Loath as he was to admit it, Sasuke did have his good qualities. At least he respected Naruto's privacy, if not his personal space. If Sasuke tried to break into Naruto's room at night or into the bathroom while he showered, Naruto would have punched him in the balls, job be damned.
Finding the dry-cleaning, Naruto gave a little shout of joy and separated a suit from the rest of the clothes. With it in hand, he raced up the stairs and knocked on Sasuke's door.
“Sasuke, I've got your clothes here. Breakfast is laid out and the car's waiting for you downstairs. And before you go I need you to si-i-ah! Sasuke!”
The balcony doors were thrown wide open. Sasuke was standing in the warm sunlight wearing absolutely nothing.
“What?” he asked.
Trying not to stare, Naruto yelped, “You do realize it's illegal to be naked in public?”
Sasuke tossed off an unconcerned shrug. “This is my house. And if I want to walk around naked in my house then that's my prerogative.”
“But you're outside and anyone can see.”
A slow smirk curled Sasuke's lips. “Jealous, Naruto?”
“Agh! Just put your clothes on!” Naruto turned quickly away and hoped Sasuke didn't notice how tight the front of his pants was. He was about to toss the suit on the bed (if it got wrinkled, then it was Sasuke's fault for torturing him) when he noticed the bed was still occupied. He blinked. “Didn't I throw your friend out of here already?”
Walking toward him, Sasuke took the suit from Naruto's hands. “I brought two with me yesterday.” As if he judged Naruto scarred enough for the morning, Sasuke strode into the bathroom and closed the door calmly behind him. Naruto was left alone with the still-slumbering brunet.
On second thought, not even Hugh tapped this much ass. Naruto was beginning to understand why the last assistant suffered a mild mental breakdown and had to quit.
*
“You are supposed to be in Geneva.”
“So?” Sasuke's dark eyes frowned at his computer screen.
“Let me say that again: you were supposed to be in Geneva two hours ago.” Naruto swung the iPad (his new toy bought with Sasuke's money because a) he needed one, b) the cost wouldn't even register in Sasuke's books and c) it was a subtle “fuck you” to Sasuke after he adopted the need to waltz around naked anywhere he was alone with Naruto thus leading to a rash of cold showers) in front of Sasuke's face, the scheduled flight bolded, italicized, underlined, increased to 48 point font and typed in a blinding, unavoidable orange.
“Tell them there was a bomb threat.”
“The news would cover that.”
“Then it was overbooked.”
“Except it's your private jet.”
“Then tell them there was a coolant leak.”
Naruto rolled his eyes. “Your mother called-”
“I'll call her back.”
“-your father wants a meeting-”
“Tell him I'm in Geneva.”
“-and your brother said he'd be by seeing as you're apparently not going to Europe.”
Sasuke's hands stilled over the keyboard. “Where are my clothes?”
“Laid out on your bed,” Naruto replied promptly.
“Suitcases?”
“On the plane.”
“When's Itachi getting here?”
“An hour.”
“Get ready. We're leaving in twenty minutes.”
Naruto bit back a snigger. He'd have to meet Itachi one day; anyone who could bully Sasuke into being responsible with just the threat of his presence had to be amazing. He was about to follow Sasuke out the door (who was wearing pants for once) when he caught sight of a large shape covered by a tarp. Sneaking a glance to the stairs, Naruto crept toward it slowly. He had to be quiet. He had to be careful. He had to be sneaky like a ninja.
“Wah!” His foot nearly rolled out from under him when he stepped on some odd cylinder lying innocuously on the floor. He glared at the offending object, looked up in case Sasuke had heard and came to investigate (he didn't) and glared at the cylinder again.
Moving forward again, he grasped one edge of the tarp and slid it off. The half-finished skeleton of a car glimmered softly in the dim light. Once it was done, it would be the type of car men would shamelessly drool over and dream of humping. Hell, he was tempted and it was nowhere near done. He ran his hands over the strong metal alloy, feeling the sturdy frame and trying to imagine the finished product. It was when he was turning around that the unthinkable happened.
He stepped on the cylinder again. Naruto had no time to consider that it must be a cursed object of plague and misery ideally placed to cause him the most anguish when his precious iPad slipped from his fingers. He dove to catch it and landed on the car's skeleton. One edge was digging sharply into his stomach and Naruto tried to ease the pain by shifting his weight to his other side.
“Ack!” He fell on his back, more metal digging into his back, the mini-computer he'd risked life and limb for safe and snug against his chest. He struggled to his feet, cursing Sasuke, cars and Sasuke and froze.
One part of the car's skeleton had fallen. It was what he had been lying on.
Oh, shit.
Laying the iPad aside, Naruto grabbed the fallen pieces and tried to stick them onto the side of the car. There was a whine of metal and then they fell again.
Naruto stared for a few long moments before he threw the tarp over it and ran shrieking from the basement. If he was lucky, Sasuke wouldn't notice until they returned and he could blame it on Itachi.
*
Naruto circled the monster slowly. He gripped the sweeper mop tightly in his hands. After so much time in Sasuke’s house, he didn’t find things like exploding toasters, exploding kitchens or exploding dildos strange anymore. It was normal to find boxers clinging to the ceiling fan and other men naked, sleeping and sometimes bound against a corner of a room. Naruto knew he was becoming desensitized and he figured it was probably unhealthy for if and when he ever opted to find a job that didn’t threaten his virtue, health and sanity.
This, however, was something else.
The monster hadn’t yet reacted so it must not have noticed his presence yet. He couldn’t see any eyes or ears. Or any features really. It was just a mass of thread. A groaning mass of thread. A groaning and cursing mass of thread.
“Hello?”
The monster stopped wriggling. Naruto experimentally poked it with the cleaning-utensil-turned-weapon in his hands. There was an abrupt batting motion. Naruto poked it a little harder.
“Ah, Naruto! Stop that!”
“Holy shit, it ate Sasuke!” Naruto raised the sweeper-mop-of-doom with an enraged cry and brought it down on what he assumed was the monster's head.
“Ow! Naruto, you fucking idiot! I haven't been eaten!”
Naruto blinked. “Oh. Then what are you doing?”
Some unintelligible mutter.
“What?” Naruto stepped closer and cupped his hand around his ear.
“Get me out of this!”
Naruto jumped back with a yelp, his ears ringing. “All right, all right! You don't have to yell. Okay, now let's see. Where's the end?”
After several minutes of futile tugging that only served to tighten the mess of thread and yarn around Sasuke, Naruto's own out-of-control libido, which he had barely kept in check the last few months with early morning jerk-off sessions and late-night freezing cold showers, was happily supplying different mental scenes, all involving a trussed up Sasuke. Naruto tried to think of Kiba naked. He was now shaky and thoroughly disturbed, but his penis had immediately given up the fight for attention.
Finally, Naruto had the brilliant idea of getting scissors, but he then had to chase a lumbering, hopping and squirming thread-covered-Sasuke through the lounge. When he finally tackled Sasuke to the ground (“What was that crash?” “...You weren't too attached to the coffee table, right?”), Naruto sat up and with a yelled, “Don't move, Sasuke!” started snipping the threads.
“That's my arm!'
“If you would just stop wriggling...!”
“Watch where you're sticking that thing!”
“You're just a big baby!”
“Naruto, you idiot, you're fired after this!”
“I'm not the one who tied himself up in thread! And how the hell did you even achieve this?”
“Just get me out!”
“I'm trying, you bastard! So stop squirming!”
Both men struggled to keep calm. Sasuke remained perfectly still and Naruto tried not to slit Sasuke's skin. As Sasuke's body began to grow visible, Naruto decided to strike up a conversation.
“So how'd this happen?”
Again, some unintelligible response.
“Didn't hear.”
“Mumblemumble mother mumble present mumblemumble.”
“You were trying to make your mother a present?” Naruto blinked. “Why not buy it?”
More mutters.
“What?”
Sasuke didn't look at him. “Itachi made her a dress.”
“So you were...trying to...outdo your brother?” It wouldn't be a good idea to laugh at his boss. No matter how un-boss-like Sasuke acted toward him. He really shouldn't laugh.
Sasuke correctly interpreted the odd choking sounds Naruto was making. “Don't laugh!” he hissed.
Naruto was going to lose it at any moment.
“It's an admirable...effort.” His voice was unnaturally high-pitched. Sasuke looked like he was considering throwing him out the window. Or worse, firing him.
...He really needed to sort out his priorities.
“Get. Me. Out.”
“Fine, fine.” Naruto glanced down at Sasuke's stony face and couldn't help himself. “Although I don't know why you're rushing. Didn't you want me on top?”
Naruto sniggered at Sasuke's suddenly surprised face.
What the hell. If he was going to be fired, he might as well enjoy his last few moments. Scissors about to close around the last knot of yarn keeping Sasuke restrained, Naruto trilled, “You know I bet your brother never mummified himself with yarn.”
The scissors slit through the yarn and Naruto was running like the devil from the cross. Or just a pissed off Sasuke.
*
“Sasuke! Sasuke, where are you?” Not in his room. Not in his lab. Not in his garage. Not in the bathroom. Not flashing half the planet in the balcony. Where was he? He was going to be late for the meeting with his Board of Directors. Again.
And of course, no one would blame Sasuke. No. It would be the assistant's fault for not harassing him enough.
“Sasuke!”
There was a muffled explosion from the kitchen followed by the wail of the smoke alarm. Naruto took a moment to massage his temples before heading down the stairs.
Sasuke looked like a child who had just been caught with dirty magazines. The kitchen was covered with a damp and white powder. A cheerful flame flickering on the stove had set off the fire alarm and the sprinklers were still raining water everywhere.
“Are you making crack?” Naruto gaped.
“Like I'd need to. I can have it shipped in.” Sasuke rolled his eyes. “I was making rice.”
“Since when do you need a bonfire to cook rice?”
“You need heat.”
“You have a rice cooker.”
“I do?”
Not for the first time since he had started working, Naruto wanted to dash his head against the nearest flat surface. He would have asked if Sasuke actually knew what he bought or if he just picked them for a) being pretty, b) being expensive or c) keeping others from owning them except he had a pretty good idea Sasuke’s answer would be something along the lines of d) all of the above.
“Yes,” Naruto emphasized. “That's what this is.” He motioned to the innocent rice cooker, now dotted with water.
“Don't patronize me.” Sasuke scowled.
“I'm not patronizing you.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I'm not.”
“Yes, you are.”
“I am not.”
“You are.”
”Am not.”
“Are t-” Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose. He inhaled deeply. “Look, just clean this up!”
“I'm not the butler!”
“Then where is the butler?”
“You told me to give him the day off.”
“And you gave it to him?” Sasuke arched an eyebrow.
“You told me to!” Naruto defended himself. “Still, if you wanted food, you should have just told me. I could have ordered out for something.”
Sasuke glanced away. “I wanted to do it myself.”
“Why? You don't do anything.”
“That's exactly why!” Sasuke snapped. “You're always doing everything and the rice looked easy enough to make.”
Naruto startled. Was that an admission that Sasuke was trying to cook for him? Uchiha Sasuke? Cook for Naruto?
Pushing his sleeves up, Naruto beamed. “Come on, boss. Let's get high.”
Sasuke smirked. “I like a man on top.”
Naruto choked.
It took him twenty-three seconds to regain control of his breathing. It took them twenty-three minutes to knock out the sprinklers. Twenty-three hours later the kitchen finally looked like it wasn't some misplaced anthrax processing plant. And as Naruto batted away Sasuke's more aggressive come-ons (mainly consisting of his trying to back Naruto up against a wall and grind against him), he figured that maybe twenty-three years of this wouldn't be that bad.
Title: Apply Palm Directly to Face
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slight OOC-ness on Sasuke’s part. Both being their normal idiot selves.
Summary: When working for an eccentric billionaire, there's only one thing to do.
Mod note: Reminder for the author/artist of this submission, please do not reply to comments signed in, if you want to reply anon commenting is enabled.
It took Naruto twenty-three years to reach his dream job. It took him twenty-three hours to pack, commandeer Kiba’s car and drive east to the city. It took him twenty-three minutes to locate his new boss's house and it took him twenty-three seconds to realize his boss was a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Naruto had never met Uchiha Sasuke although he certainly knew of him. The brilliant CEO of a weapons development company, Naruto had almost had a fit when he heard Uchiha needed a new assistant. He applied for the job, passed the interview with flying colors (and Sakura said that an orange shirt would just get him laughed at) and was going to meet his new boss for the first time.
“This is a disgrace,” came the disgusted mutter. A dark-haired man was dissecting a piece of toast. He was handling it with his fingertips as if it was something disgusting and he dared not soil his hands.
“Uchiha-sama,” the serious-faced man who had let Naruto in called.
“Hn.”
“Your new assistant, sir.”
“Tell him to leave it at the door.”
Naruto blinked. Leave what? Before he could ask the butler-was he the butler?-what he meant, the man bowed away. Naruto let out a small squawk before turning back to his would-be boss. He was now glaring at the toaster as if it had just insulted his mother.
“Er, Uchiha-sama?”
“Quiet.”
“Okay.” Naruto bit the inside of his cheek. When he saw Uchiha begin dismantling the toaster, however, his curiosity got the best of him. “What are you doing?”
“This toaster is a disgrace,” he stated. “The toast is always burnt or not done. That is unacceptable by my standards.”
He was annoyed by toast? Unacceptable toast? The hell?
Forget crazy. His boss was psychotic.
“Maybe you should fiddle with the knob…?” Naruto offered.
“Hn.” That was his only response. A ‘hn’. And in all this time, Uchiha hadn’t once turned around to look at him. If there was one thing Naruto despised, it was being ignored.
Being ignored for a damned toaster was something that he couldn’t even wrap his head around.
“Uh, Uchiha-sama, my name is Uzumaki Naruto. I’m here as your new assist-”
“Maybe if I reroute the wiring, install a chip...”
Naruto's left eye began twitching. “Er, Uchiha-sama, I would-”
“A different alloy might transmit heat better.”
Okay. That was it. Naruto stalked forward and tapped Uchiha on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, I-I-I-uh…” Naruto was staring. He knew it. He couldn’t dredge up the energy to care.
While he might have been about to dial the police and report a 5150, he promptly found his mind going blank at how ridiculously hot Uchiha was. He had fine, delicate features, almost porcelain-like, with fair skin that served as a stunning contrast to his black hair and dark eyes. His button-down shirt was half-undone and Naruto caught a glimpse of a pale, muscled chest.
Naruto thought he might need to prescribe himself cold showers in order to work calmly.
Uchiha's eyes ran over him quickly. His body language shifted from tense and annoyed to fluid and smooth. “Who are you?”
“Uzumaki Naruto.” Naruto was very proud of himself for remembering his name.
“And why are you here?” Uchiha stepped forward.
“I'm here for the assistant job, Uchiha-sama.” Because he was so pretty, Naruto forgave him the obvious evidence that Uchiha had been ignoring him.
He shook his head. “Call me Sasuke...Naruto.” It sounded like he was savoring Naruto's name.
“Uh...” His mind was about to jump ship. It really was horribly unfair that Uchiha, Sasuke, boss, whatever was so good-looking.
“So you're my new assistant.” Again those eyes ran over him and Naruto felt like he was being disrobed. Wait. What? He shook his head slightly and forced his mind out of the gutter it had fallen into, singing drunkenly.
“Uh, yes, Uch-Sasuke.”
“Hmm. It's hard work. You may need to pull all-nighters.”
“I can handle it,” Naruto said quickly. He could hear warning bells ringing, but ignored them. Good first impression. Good first impression. That's what he needed. He smiled winningly. “I can catch anything you pitch at me.”
Baseball? A baseball analogy? He couldn't come up with anything better? Naruto inwardly groaned.
Sasuke, however, didn't seem to find the comment stupid. “I wonder,” he said. “Why don't we find out?”
Naruto squared his shoulders. No matter what Sasuke asked him to do, he would prove himself. He needed this job, his boss was fine (in more ways than one) and he really wanted his paycheck. No matter what Sasuke said, Naruto would be professional and serious.
“Do you take it up the ass?”
Naruto choked.
Apparently, his boss was a fucking whack job.
*
He should have really read the fine print. It was the thought running through Naruto’s head two days later as he struggled to find clean clothes for Sasuke. He hadn’t been hired as Sasuke’s assistant. He had been hired as Sasuke’s mother.
Naruto had been the last in his class for years. He’d made his fair share of stupid-ass mistakes. But it frankly astounded him how stupid someone so intelligent could be. Especially someone as brilliant and well educated as Sasuke.
The man was an idiot. He could create a weapon of mass destruction out of rubber bands and spit, but couldn’t remember his own shoe size. He had to be some sort of moron. An advanced species of moron with a knack for making things go boom.
And who apparently had a love for sex to challenge Hugh Heffner in his prime.
Naruto rolled his eyes, thinking of his first day. 'Do you take it up the ass?' The fuck kind of question was that? And he'd asked it like he was asking Naruto to please pass him the butter at dinner! As attractive (and smoking and hot and super fine) as Sasuke was, the fact remained that he was Naruto's boss and there were certain lines one didn't cross. And while Naruto might have toed many lines on occasion (and danced on them and skipped across them and flat out run across them laughing hysterically), this was one he absolutely refused to tempt.
So he had politely turned Sasuke down. Which only made Sasuke think he was playing hard to get. And it was really hard to keep a clear mind and strong hold on your values when someone like Sasuke was tugging your pant's zipper down with his teeth.
Sakura always said Naruto thought with his penis. He would have to submit his meeting with Sasuke as evidence that he did, in fact, possess a mind that was not controlled by his libido. Even if it was a very small part that was taking a very severe beating from his sex drive while Sasuke refused to help matters.
At dinner, he had constantly tossed off one-liners ripe with innuendo. When Naruto began organizing his schedule (which had not seen the light of day since the last assistant quit and Naruto had been certain it was a dark void of horror that was going to swallow him whole), Sasuke had suggested leaving blocks of times between meetings for a quickie. The day before, while giving Naruto a tour of his office, Sasuke had crooked a finger at Naruto, asking him to come closer. When he did, Sasuke had smirked.
“If I got you to come with one finger, can you imagine what I could do to you with my hand?”
Naruto had called him a perverted bastard, told him he had a meeting in ten minutes with the board of directors and stomped away to his desk. Sasuke's laughter had trailed behind him.
Now, after escorting the poor soul Sasuke had seduced the night before from the premises, he was hunting for his elusive, irritating and still too pretty boss. Loath as he was to admit it, Sasuke did have his good qualities. At least he respected Naruto's privacy, if not his personal space. If Sasuke tried to break into Naruto's room at night or into the bathroom while he showered, Naruto would have punched him in the balls, job be damned.
Finding the dry-cleaning, Naruto gave a little shout of joy and separated a suit from the rest of the clothes. With it in hand, he raced up the stairs and knocked on Sasuke's door.
“Sasuke, I've got your clothes here. Breakfast is laid out and the car's waiting for you downstairs. And before you go I need you to si-i-ah! Sasuke!”
The balcony doors were thrown wide open. Sasuke was standing in the warm sunlight wearing absolutely nothing.
“What?” he asked.
Trying not to stare, Naruto yelped, “You do realize it's illegal to be naked in public?”
Sasuke tossed off an unconcerned shrug. “This is my house. And if I want to walk around naked in my house then that's my prerogative.”
“But you're outside and anyone can see.”
A slow smirk curled Sasuke's lips. “Jealous, Naruto?”
“Agh! Just put your clothes on!” Naruto turned quickly away and hoped Sasuke didn't notice how tight the front of his pants was. He was about to toss the suit on the bed (if it got wrinkled, then it was Sasuke's fault for torturing him) when he noticed the bed was still occupied. He blinked. “Didn't I throw your friend out of here already?”
Walking toward him, Sasuke took the suit from Naruto's hands. “I brought two with me yesterday.” As if he judged Naruto scarred enough for the morning, Sasuke strode into the bathroom and closed the door calmly behind him. Naruto was left alone with the still-slumbering brunet.
On second thought, not even Hugh tapped this much ass. Naruto was beginning to understand why the last assistant suffered a mild mental breakdown and had to quit.
*
“You are supposed to be in Geneva.”
“So?” Sasuke's dark eyes frowned at his computer screen.
“Let me say that again: you were supposed to be in Geneva two hours ago.” Naruto swung the iPad (his new toy bought with Sasuke's money because a) he needed one, b) the cost wouldn't even register in Sasuke's books and c) it was a subtle “fuck you” to Sasuke after he adopted the need to waltz around naked anywhere he was alone with Naruto thus leading to a rash of cold showers) in front of Sasuke's face, the scheduled flight bolded, italicized, underlined, increased to 48 point font and typed in a blinding, unavoidable orange.
“Tell them there was a bomb threat.”
“The news would cover that.”
“Then it was overbooked.”
“Except it's your private jet.”
“Then tell them there was a coolant leak.”
Naruto rolled his eyes. “Your mother called-”
“I'll call her back.”
“-your father wants a meeting-”
“Tell him I'm in Geneva.”
“-and your brother said he'd be by seeing as you're apparently not going to Europe.”
Sasuke's hands stilled over the keyboard. “Where are my clothes?”
“Laid out on your bed,” Naruto replied promptly.
“Suitcases?”
“On the plane.”
“When's Itachi getting here?”
“An hour.”
“Get ready. We're leaving in twenty minutes.”
Naruto bit back a snigger. He'd have to meet Itachi one day; anyone who could bully Sasuke into being responsible with just the threat of his presence had to be amazing. He was about to follow Sasuke out the door (who was wearing pants for once) when he caught sight of a large shape covered by a tarp. Sneaking a glance to the stairs, Naruto crept toward it slowly. He had to be quiet. He had to be careful. He had to be sneaky like a ninja.
“Wah!” His foot nearly rolled out from under him when he stepped on some odd cylinder lying innocuously on the floor. He glared at the offending object, looked up in case Sasuke had heard and came to investigate (he didn't) and glared at the cylinder again.
Moving forward again, he grasped one edge of the tarp and slid it off. The half-finished skeleton of a car glimmered softly in the dim light. Once it was done, it would be the type of car men would shamelessly drool over and dream of humping. Hell, he was tempted and it was nowhere near done. He ran his hands over the strong metal alloy, feeling the sturdy frame and trying to imagine the finished product. It was when he was turning around that the unthinkable happened.
He stepped on the cylinder again. Naruto had no time to consider that it must be a cursed object of plague and misery ideally placed to cause him the most anguish when his precious iPad slipped from his fingers. He dove to catch it and landed on the car's skeleton. One edge was digging sharply into his stomach and Naruto tried to ease the pain by shifting his weight to his other side.
“Ack!” He fell on his back, more metal digging into his back, the mini-computer he'd risked life and limb for safe and snug against his chest. He struggled to his feet, cursing Sasuke, cars and Sasuke and froze.
One part of the car's skeleton had fallen. It was what he had been lying on.
Oh, shit.
Laying the iPad aside, Naruto grabbed the fallen pieces and tried to stick them onto the side of the car. There was a whine of metal and then they fell again.
Naruto stared for a few long moments before he threw the tarp over it and ran shrieking from the basement. If he was lucky, Sasuke wouldn't notice until they returned and he could blame it on Itachi.
*
Naruto circled the monster slowly. He gripped the sweeper mop tightly in his hands. After so much time in Sasuke’s house, he didn’t find things like exploding toasters, exploding kitchens or exploding dildos strange anymore. It was normal to find boxers clinging to the ceiling fan and other men naked, sleeping and sometimes bound against a corner of a room. Naruto knew he was becoming desensitized and he figured it was probably unhealthy for if and when he ever opted to find a job that didn’t threaten his virtue, health and sanity.
This, however, was something else.
The monster hadn’t yet reacted so it must not have noticed his presence yet. He couldn’t see any eyes or ears. Or any features really. It was just a mass of thread. A groaning mass of thread. A groaning and cursing mass of thread.
“Hello?”
The monster stopped wriggling. Naruto experimentally poked it with the cleaning-utensil-turned-weapon in his hands. There was an abrupt batting motion. Naruto poked it a little harder.
“Ah, Naruto! Stop that!”
“Holy shit, it ate Sasuke!” Naruto raised the sweeper-mop-of-doom with an enraged cry and brought it down on what he assumed was the monster's head.
“Ow! Naruto, you fucking idiot! I haven't been eaten!”
Naruto blinked. “Oh. Then what are you doing?”
Some unintelligible mutter.
“What?” Naruto stepped closer and cupped his hand around his ear.
“Get me out of this!”
Naruto jumped back with a yelp, his ears ringing. “All right, all right! You don't have to yell. Okay, now let's see. Where's the end?”
After several minutes of futile tugging that only served to tighten the mess of thread and yarn around Sasuke, Naruto's own out-of-control libido, which he had barely kept in check the last few months with early morning jerk-off sessions and late-night freezing cold showers, was happily supplying different mental scenes, all involving a trussed up Sasuke. Naruto tried to think of Kiba naked. He was now shaky and thoroughly disturbed, but his penis had immediately given up the fight for attention.
Finally, Naruto had the brilliant idea of getting scissors, but he then had to chase a lumbering, hopping and squirming thread-covered-Sasuke through the lounge. When he finally tackled Sasuke to the ground (“What was that crash?” “...You weren't too attached to the coffee table, right?”), Naruto sat up and with a yelled, “Don't move, Sasuke!” started snipping the threads.
“That's my arm!'
“If you would just stop wriggling...!”
“Watch where you're sticking that thing!”
“You're just a big baby!”
“Naruto, you idiot, you're fired after this!”
“I'm not the one who tied himself up in thread! And how the hell did you even achieve this?”
“Just get me out!”
“I'm trying, you bastard! So stop squirming!”
Both men struggled to keep calm. Sasuke remained perfectly still and Naruto tried not to slit Sasuke's skin. As Sasuke's body began to grow visible, Naruto decided to strike up a conversation.
“So how'd this happen?”
Again, some unintelligible response.
“Didn't hear.”
“Mumblemumble mother mumble present mumblemumble.”
“You were trying to make your mother a present?” Naruto blinked. “Why not buy it?”
More mutters.
“What?”
Sasuke didn't look at him. “Itachi made her a dress.”
“So you were...trying to...outdo your brother?” It wouldn't be a good idea to laugh at his boss. No matter how un-boss-like Sasuke acted toward him. He really shouldn't laugh.
Sasuke correctly interpreted the odd choking sounds Naruto was making. “Don't laugh!” he hissed.
Naruto was going to lose it at any moment.
“It's an admirable...effort.” His voice was unnaturally high-pitched. Sasuke looked like he was considering throwing him out the window. Or worse, firing him.
...He really needed to sort out his priorities.
“Get. Me. Out.”
“Fine, fine.” Naruto glanced down at Sasuke's stony face and couldn't help himself. “Although I don't know why you're rushing. Didn't you want me on top?”
Naruto sniggered at Sasuke's suddenly surprised face.
What the hell. If he was going to be fired, he might as well enjoy his last few moments. Scissors about to close around the last knot of yarn keeping Sasuke restrained, Naruto trilled, “You know I bet your brother never mummified himself with yarn.”
The scissors slit through the yarn and Naruto was running like the devil from the cross. Or just a pissed off Sasuke.
*
“Sasuke! Sasuke, where are you?” Not in his room. Not in his lab. Not in his garage. Not in the bathroom. Not flashing half the planet in the balcony. Where was he? He was going to be late for the meeting with his Board of Directors. Again.
And of course, no one would blame Sasuke. No. It would be the assistant's fault for not harassing him enough.
“Sasuke!”
There was a muffled explosion from the kitchen followed by the wail of the smoke alarm. Naruto took a moment to massage his temples before heading down the stairs.
Sasuke looked like a child who had just been caught with dirty magazines. The kitchen was covered with a damp and white powder. A cheerful flame flickering on the stove had set off the fire alarm and the sprinklers were still raining water everywhere.
“Are you making crack?” Naruto gaped.
“Like I'd need to. I can have it shipped in.” Sasuke rolled his eyes. “I was making rice.”
“Since when do you need a bonfire to cook rice?”
“You need heat.”
“You have a rice cooker.”
“I do?”
Not for the first time since he had started working, Naruto wanted to dash his head against the nearest flat surface. He would have asked if Sasuke actually knew what he bought or if he just picked them for a) being pretty, b) being expensive or c) keeping others from owning them except he had a pretty good idea Sasuke’s answer would be something along the lines of d) all of the above.
“Yes,” Naruto emphasized. “That's what this is.” He motioned to the innocent rice cooker, now dotted with water.
“Don't patronize me.” Sasuke scowled.
“I'm not patronizing you.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I'm not.”
“Yes, you are.”
“I am not.”
“You are.”
”Am not.”
“Are t-” Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose. He inhaled deeply. “Look, just clean this up!”
“I'm not the butler!”
“Then where is the butler?”
“You told me to give him the day off.”
“And you gave it to him?” Sasuke arched an eyebrow.
“You told me to!” Naruto defended himself. “Still, if you wanted food, you should have just told me. I could have ordered out for something.”
Sasuke glanced away. “I wanted to do it myself.”
“Why? You don't do anything.”
“That's exactly why!” Sasuke snapped. “You're always doing everything and the rice looked easy enough to make.”
Naruto startled. Was that an admission that Sasuke was trying to cook for him? Uchiha Sasuke? Cook for Naruto?
Pushing his sleeves up, Naruto beamed. “Come on, boss. Let's get high.”
Sasuke smirked. “I like a man on top.”
Naruto choked.
It took him twenty-three seconds to regain control of his breathing. It took them twenty-three minutes to knock out the sprinklers. Twenty-three hours later the kitchen finally looked like it wasn't some misplaced anthrax processing plant. And as Naruto batted away Sasuke's more aggressive come-ons (mainly consisting of his trying to back Naruto up against a wall and grind against him), he figured that maybe twenty-three years of this wouldn't be that bad.