[Fanfic:] In the realm of one night (Part Two)
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Yes, it had been a magical moment, a changing day. And Harry recalled all too clearly the next months, the torture it had been for everybody. Still, to Harry those were his rose coloured days. Draco had had the funniest eating urges at the worst times and had driven not only the houseelves spare but Harry too. And of course because Draco was a Malfoy, and Malfoys don't do public pregnancies he just quit his job, saying he had been sick and tired of doing it anyway. When in truth the decision had been hard on the blond. Harry often had caught him reading old case files, and talking to his unborn children about them, about how he had helped his clients to get their rights, had saved them from being judged unfairly.
Harry knew Draco had worked hard to become a highly respected advocate, had taken on cases no one else had dared to, had worked many hours without expecting to be paid for it, and regained trust and honour for himself and his family name. It had hurt him to let it go, because he had lived in the fear of never having that respect again.
It didn't end there either, Draco's wolf was hard to handle for Harry too. It was randy one moment, and all fed up the next, fighting him just as hard as he did the first time and then seeking him out, not letting him alone for one step. It only got worse during the full moon, when the wolf sought to be close to his pack and at the same time it wanted all of them to keep their distance. It also didn't help that it got even more protective of the Malfoy Manor and its immediate grounds. During two moons even Harry himself wasn't allowed to approach before the sun rose again and then his mate would nestle close to him, seeking the skin to skin contact, asking him to never let go.
However all the troubles had meant nothing to Harry, what had mattered were the three heartbeats he heard each night, when he held Draco close. When Draco would search for his hand, and they would whisper about wishes for the future of their children. Harry had to stifle his chuckle as he remembered one particular night that started with a very peculiar moody Draco.
---
"Potter, what are you doing?" Draco huffs, standing in the doorway to the closet.
Harry knows his mate has been waiting for him, to come and go to sleep in their hide, but Harry really wanted to finish his letter to Hermione first. "I told you, I'm writing Hermione, and it may take a while, her last owl was five pages long, and you know how much she can fit on five pages" he explains as patiently as he can again.
"That woman. You meet her every two weeks to talk, you see each other at least once a week, what can be so important to write five pages about, that cannot wait for the next three days?" Draco steps fully out of the closet and lets himself fall on the sofa next to Harry.
"Actually we are writing about your control issues and how I'm now living as your kept man, spending all of your money and going through half of the money my parents left me," Harry jokes.
It is partly true, he hasn't got a job, and he lives for free in Malfoy Manor. Then again he is the alpha of a very large pack. His days are filled with the duties he has as such. And he also works as a creature- wizard- liaison most of the time for Hermione too. With benefits for his pack, of course, because it can never be wrong to have good friends in other races. And it gives Harry the feeling of doing something good in the world with his fame.
"Oh come on, we don't even manage to spend the interest of the Malfoy fortune. Yes, the reparations did cut deep in one of the vaults, but then again the Ministry doesn't know how many vaults my family has" Draco dismisses the topic.
"Neither do I, so how many vaults are in your name?" Harry stops writing and looks at his mate. As per usual he draws Draco closer, caresses the now very visible stomach of his lover.
"Marry me, take my name and you will know" Draco says, and moves into the touch. "They are getting quite heavy" he says softly, enjoying the caress. "Feels like I'm turning into a bubble that will burst" he complains, before he too strokes his stomach.
"Why your name? Why not mine, or even better a hyphenation Harry says. This discussion is after all an old one. To Draco and him it's a joke, because they know they belong together without any ceremony. And it isn't like they can marry for real, because it would out Draco as a werewolf too, and the blond tries to avoid that at all cost.
"Hyphenation is so crass, Potter. And I will never answer to the name of a somebody who gets his hands muddy with clay, how plebeian can you get" Draco shakes his head laughing.
"Because something that translates to bad faith is better, Malfoy? Really, you are just afraid you lose the only character trait that really shows besides overindulged git," Harry jokes and moves his head closer to Draco's lips. He likes the mood swings now even more than before the pregnancy, because a snarky Draco means more often than not a horny Draco.
"Well at least I got some traits beyond horrid old-fashioned glasses," Draco grins and kisses Harry softly, before he moves away.
"But for the kids it will be your name" he suddenly says and Harry is taken aback by that.
"What? Why?" he searches for better words, "Draco I know how much your family means to you. They can have your name, even more so if it means they have your vaults to inherit. I mean my family isn't poor but yours has created an empire," he tries to reasons with his mate, before he sees Draco roll his eyes.
"Potter think for once in your life before you speak? My name is associated with the Dark Lord, and even if I was respected for my work as an advocate, I still was the Death Eater trying to redeem myself. With your name doors will be open to them, that are long shut to mine. You are the hero" Draco explains.
"Yes the hero and the known werewolf. Think about it, they all know I am a were, it's in the papers all the time" Harry shakes his head.
"They will have to deal with the fact that they are part wolf, because that is what their life will be about- nothing can change that. But they don't need to deal with more than one prejudice at the same time" Draco says and takes Harry's hand in his. "Harry, we can't save them from what they are going to be. And if they are just a little bit like you, they will enjoy being a wolf, and most probably, like you they will enjoy shifting every chance they get. We won't be able to hide that they are wolves, especially when they will be small children trying to get a rise out of us, " Draco says before he loses some of his colour.
"Oh Merlin the horror of both of them looking like you and behaving like me. Potter, what have we done, we won't survive them" Draco pushes his hand against his chest, playing up the drama and making Harry laugh very hard.
"Why are they going to look like me?" Harry asks still laughing.
"Because I bet you one treacle tart that my lovely Malfoy looks will have to admit defeat to your... let's say unique features, if you want to call your bird's nest of hair that" Draco says and sounds so condescending that Harry can't hold the laughter anymore, and has to hold his belly.
"You don't see the drama in it. But you must know that my family spent hundreds of years on creating perfection and now your genes are ruining it in one go. Oh, the shame, the horror. It might be enough to get my poor, poor aunt to swear again" the blond says and Harry can see how his mate has trouble himself holding the laughter in.
"Which one of your aunts, that one that went around the bend and married her own cousin, for the sake of top quality genes of course, or that one, who stayed single and had a lot of horses if I remember your tales" Harry asks innocently.
"Potter!" Draco shrieked, "if you are saying what I think you are saying- Potter how can you!"
"Well, you have a wolf in your bed each night, so who knows for sure?" Harry barely manages to say, before he throws himself into the next laughing fit, this time, sliding off the sofa.
"Crude!" Draco says, and giggles all the same.
"Crude, but you are still having my pups", he leans in and kisses Draco's stomach. Draco had told him, that the kids get more lively the more he laughs.
"I want to talk about something" Harry says, and he sees how Draco's laugh gets thinner, how small lines are appearing on his face. "You know, since we were already on the topic of names. If they are boys, I want us to name them after the stars" Harry says softly. He can hear how Draco draws in a sharp breath.
"Why?"
"Because it's the tradition in your family, and I rather like the idea. I mean only if you want to of course" he looks up, and meets silver eyes brimming with tears.
"I... one of them should be named Leo, after the constellation, but also for your family, because no matter how much you deny it, you are a true lion in your heart, and I guess, given the history, your family was too" Draco moves and strokes Harry's hair.
"You already given that some thought" he smiles happily, "and I would like that very much. Leo. It's a beautiful name" Harry smiles.
"It has... there is... Regulus is the brightest star in Leo, you do know that" Draco whispers.
"I know, and I know that Sirius had his problems with his brother, but loved him nonetheless. And I also know that Regulus Black was the first person ever to pull a prank on Lord Voldemort. So I think that Leo will fit our son very nicely," Harry says and gets up, kisses Draco again.
"Come to bed with me" his mate pleads suddenly, stroking down Harry's chest. Harry just takes his hand and walks into the closet with Draco. He could always answer Hermione's letter tomorrow, or wait till the day after to talk to her in person.
---
Harry's smile widened at the warm feeling of the memory. It truly had been one of the strangest and happiest nights in his life, and Harry knows through all his complaints, Draco had liked being pregnant just as much as Harry. It had been an open secret between them, not shared with anyone else and never spoken out aloud. There had been no need for that. But no matter how he wished to stay in those days, his memory, his mind won't stop thinking, making him face the cruelty they had to endure again, for it was the reason he couldn't find sleep tonight.
---
"The moon will be out soon, so are you coming?" Draco asks impatiently, "Just because you don't need the moon, doesn't mean no one else does either" he snarls on. Harry knows that his mate is trying to cover up his impatience and his worry.
Twice he had spoken to the healer and the midwives already, once the blond had forced Harry to go with him to visit Severus. All had said the same: Everything is fine and as it should be. And still his mate said that it isn't, that something feels off. However since all the experts they trust and are available to them say its fine, Harry tries to stay calm, and be rational.
In truth he is just as much on the edge as Draco, because he and his wolf believe what his mate says more than they believe all the other people. So if his mate says something is off, surely something has to be off, and it worries him.
The full moon tonight seems to weigh down heavily on both of them. Harry knows how much magic is involved in the transformation from human to wolf, and he has also read up on male pregnancies and how different they are from females' and how he could help Draco in any way.
But the truth remains that during the pregnancy magical children solemnly depend on the magic power of their carrier. All Harry could do, is be close to his mate, making his magic available to Draco. But during the full moon, that is dangerous for both of them, because wolf magic was not human magic. Harry knows that technically tonight's shift will be even easier than those before, because Deacon had said that the worst part was over. But Draco's feelings worry him, more than he can say. He takes one last deep breath before he steps out the bathroom, and stretches leisurely.
"I'm coming, I'm coming. You know they won't start the hunt without us" he jokes rather lamely, but it has the wished for effect and Draco relaxes, while looking down his nose at Harry.
"Just because you are the alpha doesn't mean you should go around and make others wait for you. In fact because you are the alpha we should have been there first" he says and walks out the door: "But be a jerk, see if I care when they tear you down" Draco mutters, words only audible because of Harry's wolf hearing.
"Oh, you would, fight to your death you would, if you knew a way to keep the kids and me save" Harry states grinning broadly, while listening to Draco stomping down the stairs. He just loves his mate in all his moods. However he has also lived long enough with his mate, to know when to pick on him, and when to let it rest. Survival is always a concern for the wolf.
As they join the other wolves at the clearing in the woods they are nearly the last to arrive, but no one says or reacts in any way. He knows that many of the people here have learned to live with the fact that they will depend their whole life's on Wolfsbane and also have come to accept that the wolf likes to run in packs, hunt in packs and sometime play silly pranks on other members of the pack.
Remus, the other alpha he always forgets the name of, and he himself pride themselves with the knowledge that nobody who sought help was left behind, and that most of the victims of Greybacks attacks have adapted well to their new life's. Some of them can't ever be helped, because they are too upset with being turned a creature.
Nevertheless even this side effect of the war has been battled and accepted. And while a large part of the wizarding population still lived in fear of the werewolves, at least Remus and Hermione had managed to not only make them all keep their wands, but also to have mostly all the same rights as human and some special rights during the night of the full moon. However most of the wolves still try to avoid being registered, because the entry in the register most probably will cost them their jobs.
So, Harry never really ventures far into the human wizarding world, when he can avoid it. Being a known werewolf and Harry Potter just brings him too much attention and not all of that focuses on the fact that he saved them, but on the fact of how hard his life as a wolf may be.
Harry sees it differently, he likes being a wolf, a strong wolf, a fast wolf. He is proud about it, and most of his pack now is proud too.
As the moon rises behind the trees he can see how one after another his pack changes, till his eyes stop on Draco eyebrow arched. But the blond just shakes his head and bites down on his lip, before the pull of the moon makes him shift into the magnificent wolf his mate is. Harry is the last man standing, resisting the urge to change for a second longer, before he gives his body and mind over to the wolf. Let the hunt under the full moon begin.
In the dawn of the morning, as the dark of night gives way to early twilight the wolves find themselves at the clearing once more. The hunt has been successful, their borders had been defended and overall the pack was in a good mood. One last time they howl at the moon before as one they all drift apart in different directions. For the body the shift is exhausting, and they all know that it is much easier to run back home as a wolf and shift there, so that the way to bed wouldn't be far anymore.
It is only on their way home he realizes how mute his mate has been for the better part of this night. Harry slows down and snuggles himself across his mate, but the silver wolf doesn't react other than to growl slowly.
As the first sunrays illuminate the sky they reach the terrace and Harry shifts back, shakes his body, and searches for his thoughts, for his worries, for his human mind. It's when he looks at Draco to observe his change, as he has liked to do since the very first full moon together, that Harry realizes something is way off.
He knows how Draco changes just as much as he knows how to change himself, and Draco always shifts with his hind paws first. But not this time, this time it seems to Harry the whole body is trying to shift as one, there are fingers on the front paws, silver fur is giving way to blond hair and skin is breaking through the fur of the belly.
"Draco?" he asks, it's stupid but he has to ask, because this is wrong, his mate doesn't shift that way.
"Get help, fast" sounds the tormented voice of his mate and Harry notices that of the three heartbeats he has become so accustomed to hearing, two of them flutter so irregularly and sound so faint, while the loudest one seems to race with time.
He doesn't blink, he accios his wand with such a need that he hears a window break. The patronus, now a huge silver wolf, is quickly cast and Harry sends it off with a message to the midwives and the healer. Harry is aware of how tired they all must be, he also sends for Severus, because it can only help at this point to have someone there who didn't spend the last night out in the woods hunting.
Through Draco and Severus grew apart in the war, some rifts have been mended in the last years, and Severus has a huge influence in his godsons life now again. Just like Remus is Harry's acting godfather. And if Harry is honest he wishes for the cool demeanour of the potions master, that took everything in a stride, his voice never wavering no matter how in uproar his feelings are, now to be there with him, and to mock him for the state he is in, just because of some minor thing.
As soon as his wolf takes off, he kneels next to Draco, afraid to touch him, but still needing to touch him, to believe that everything will be fine, will be alright.
Draco doesn't speak, but he whimpers in pain, still shifting ever so slowly, and his breath is coming in sharp gasps. And Harry is torn, not knowing what to do, but listening to the heartbeats, holding Draco's fingers in his hand.
"It's gonna be fine. Severus'll make it so" Harry speaks softly trying as much to calm his mate as he wants to calm himself. "You are aware of the fact, that he will somehow find a reason to pin this on me, because I have done something wrong. This will be so much like back in school. I can see it clearly in my mind: 'Potter, what have you done now, can't-" but then Harry's voice breaks, as one of the faint heartbeats just stops all together.
What should he do? What can he do? His mind is blank in panic, and the wolf is also on the edge, fearing for its mate, for its pups but just as much as Harry it doesn't know what to do.
The loud crack of apparition makes Harry look up, and look into the nearly black eyes of his former Professor.
"Something is wrong, this is not the way he shifts, and... and one of the pups... it's...the heart", Harry starts to sob, start to tremble, "it just stopped" he whispers, and looks forlorn.
He can hear the silent gulp Severus makes, can smell the shock and fear that settles over the professor, because the wolf isn't tricked so easily, but all Harry wants to do is listen to the calm voice, let it soothe him, as the older man says: "Oh, snap out of it Potter. Your dramatics will not be helping Draco in any way now." And then Severus starts to cast spells on Draco.
The next to arrive is Deacon, looking very tired fighting with his exhausted body, but still trying to help because he was the healer of the pack. "Here, this will help you, it's a potion Draco and I designed, especially for days after the full moon," Severus hands Deacon a phial of what Harry is sure is the near perfect version of Animadversio.
The only thing Draco and Severus are having trouble with, is the taste to the wolf. To a human it tastes perfectly fine and like a juice, but to a werewolf it is worse than Skele-gro. Deacon takes it without asking, and makes a tortured face, but the effect is immediate and he nods his thanks to Snape before Harry sees how he too starts to cast.
Their two midwives are the last to arrive, and Severus hands them the potion too, before they all start to talk in a way Harry can barely follow. And then they all look at him, and he stares surprised back.
"You have to make him complete the shift, we can't help any of them before he is human again, the wolf's magic won't permit it" Deacon suddenly says.
"It will also be easier for Draco if you push him, than if we would do it, he knows your magic, and you are his alpha" says one of the midwives. It doesn't change the shock Harry feels.
He has done it before, push one of his pack back in his human body and human mind, because he got lost, but never on Draco. Draco reacts not well, if he is pushed by Harry, and both he and his wolf don't like the idea of pushing him now, when everything is just so wrong, and there is still only one weak heartbeat, were there ought to be two.
"Potter, if he stays this way, that will kill all of them" Severus snaps at him, but his eyes are heavy with worry. Harry nods. He can do this, for his mate. And Draco would wish for Harry to do it, if it means saving their cubs.
The problem is, what Harry has to do, is what Draco had feared since the first time he surrendered: Harry has to overpower Draco's magic and to make it submit to his will. None of the wolves really care about that, but most of the time, he as the alpha has the power to soften the blow. For the simple reason that he was the alpha exactly because he can overpower them, and so he can protect them from harm that may come their way, or harm they may inflict on themselves. But Draco is different, and the loss of control is one of the biggest fears the blond has. It is a fear coming from a deep scar inside his mate, and a mark that was only the top of it.
Harry can feel his body move regardless of his own concerns. The wolf taking over, where the human fails, because this is something the wolf can do, and will do, no matter what his human mind may think of it. And it is done so easily, there is no fight left in his mate, and he can command the shift completes within moments to be. But this causes his mate to scream in pain, before another spell hits him.
"What- Why... what is wrong?" Harry asks looking around, but no one pays him any mind, before he feels Severus Hand on his shoulder. "Draco has to be brought inside, and they have to take the little ones out" Severus says in a grave voice, and drags Harry to his feet.
"Show them to a bed" he commands and Harry opens the French doors and transfigures the love seat into a bed. As he is done he looks up at Severus, who nods approvingly, before they both watch as Deacon lays Draco down on it.
"What is going on, Severus? Why, why is there only one heartbeat?" he asks his voice getting shakier.
"Draco's magic is exhausted. It is an oversight from all of us" Severus says, and moves his hands to cover his chest. "Normally the time for a failure of the magic ends around the fourteen week mark, for werewolves around the sixteen week mark, but how many werewolves do you know who have carried twins? Even more so, given that you are both werewolves your pups also have two sides, and their magic shifts too on the night of the full moon" Severus explains and Harry feels the colour draining from his face.
"The off feeling, was the shift of the pups" he suddenly understands.
"Yes, but even if they are twins, they are still single entireties, and both their magic shifted in different ways" Severus says, and Harry has to face away. "The moon tonight pushed Draco's magic in three different directions. And the last week, we spent so much time brewing too," Severus states in a smaller voice. Harry nods in understanding.
Most of the time potions brewing isn't considered magic, he himself had thought so before Draco had explained to him the deep theories and workings of brewing: In reality every little step takes a little magic from the wizard, the stirring, the cutting and crushing the handling off the ingredients, all of it is magic. It's just not one spell where the magic becomes obvious, nonetheless it can be just as exhausting. And for his highly pregnant mate it had been too much.
"Potter," Snape suddenly says, before he turns around and looks Harry in the eyes once more: "Harry, you must be prepared, that there is the possibility that they won't be able to save your pups" Severus says, in such a calm and soft voice, that Harry has trouble to really understand the words Severus used. But the meaning, the meaning hit home, and he feels the sting in his eyes, as they tear up.
"What... is there... there is nothing I can do, is there," he whispers. Harry just falls into the wing chair and looks over to where Healer Deacon and the midwives are discussing something, while casting and working, and ordering the house elves about. What is there to do?
"What about Draco?" he asks in a hoarse voice. Magical exhaustion is a big deal to wizards, and he has heard of deaths caused by the exhaustion. Magic is to wizards like breathing, they depend on it.
"Please don't mistake me for a healer. I can cure illness, and I can help children with the basic care they need, but Draco's state is beyond my knowledge" Snape answers still calm, but as Harry looks up to him, he sees the deep frown on the other mans forehead.
"You know a great deal, and my pack is very indebted to you" Harry says. He really wished he could say something like: 'So it's good to know that there are some limits to what you can do' but the joke just won't come. "Do... do you think they would mind, if I sit with Draco, if I hold his hand?" he asks in a whispered voice instead. Looking at the three people being very busy, and talking in sharp words.
"No, Harry, I don't think anyone will mind" Severus says and helps him up, because Harry's feet are so shaky he can't make them hold him up. "Should I... do you wish for Remus to be here?" Severus asks as he leads him to Draco.
"No, he will be all battled down from the moon, let him rest" Harry shakes his head. As he is sits again, on the stool, that Severus pushes him on he looks back: "Don't go" he suddenly reaches for the hand of Severus. He is aware that Severus and he haven't the best of relationships, but they have common people they care deeply about. In the past Harry also had often turned to Severus, when his mate did something Harry couldn't figure out himself. He just wanted someone here with him, who would know what to do no matter the situation.
"I'll be here" the older man says with a nod, and pats Harry on the shoulder once more. Harry turns to Draco, sees the deep, dark circles around his mates eyes, the gray, unhealthy skin, and the sweat that is covering his forehead. Draco looks so pale and thin, like the dead, but the wolf still hears the heartbeat, smells the sweat and feels the warmth of his mate, and Harry clings to that. However even the wolf doesn't dare to search for the other two heartbeats, which had been such a source of joy the last months, because their absence would be too painful to face now. He strokes carefully through Draco's soft hair, just to touch his mate, to be close.
Only the sudden smell of blood makes him turn his head and look at the three person team. They have cut Draco open, and Harry knows that if it isn't his wolf, the love of the hunt, he wouldn't have been able to take the sight that greets him. There was just so much blood and viscera, but due to the full moon hunts he was used to it.
He can't focus on the sight for long anyway, because one of the midwives was holding such a small bundle. Harry never notices how he gets up and steps to her. He notices that the small body is not breathing, that there isn't the smell of life coming from it, that the heart isn't beating. He looks at the women, and she looks sadly at him. She is one of the few who actually managed to bond more with Draco then with him, but in this moment she shared his pain.
"Can I... can I still hold it" he asks fighting down the sob, but not managing to hold in his tears. "Of course" she says, and hands him the small pup.
He takes it ever so carefully, as if there was still life he could break. He smiles at the dark shock of hair. Draco had been right, the beauty of the Malfoy hair hadn't had a chance against his unruly mop. But the features, all angled and aristocratic, just like a true Malfoy. Such a beautiful child. Such a beautiful son, he notices, as his eyes travel across the body, and notice the small genitals, and the even tinier feet. Such perfection, if it weren't for the lack of toenails... and the lack of life.
The wail escapes him so suddenly, he has no chance to stop it.
How can it be, that he is The Boy Who Lived, because of his mother's love for him, but his love didn't save his own son. The howl rings full of sorrow, and he feels some members of his pack rise to it, but he can't stop. His son... whom he loved so much, even if he never had met him.
How is he to tell Draco about this, when his mate wakes up?
Harry is so lost in his sorrow that he doesn't realize that the other midwife has stepped up to him, holding another small bundle, before she touches Harry and shakes him ever so slightly. He looks at her with something fierce and frightening, he guesses because she immediately takes a step back. But then the scent of the small child reaches him, and there is the softly beating of a heart. It is so weak, that even he has to concentrate on it, before he widens his eyes in horror. This, this can't be true. Such a nightmare can't be his reality... he won't accept it.
He looks around at the faces of the other midwife and Healer Deacon, but they both lower their heads at his gaze.
He feels how his son is taken away from him, and he tries to hold him tighter, to not let go, to hope for the same miracle that had happened to him. "Let him, Harry" Severus whispers and looks him straight in the eye. It was odd how Harry only notices now, that he has grown bigger than Severus. It isn't even an inch, but as he feels so small and helpless on the inside, he notices that to the world he was a grown up man.
"The other... it won't survive either" he whispers, because he knows it's the truth but still he begs for Severus to say he got it wrong, like the man had told him so often in the past.
"We tried, but her lungs are too undeveloped, and her heart rate won't settle... but even if we can fix that, she is way too exhausted from last night" Deacon explains softly. Harry feels his hackles rise, feels how he wants to snap at the man. Deacon had to know, he should've prevented it. Draco knew something was wrong, why didn't the man help him.
But before even one word escapes him, there is once more a strong hand on his shoulder: "Go on, Harry, don't let your daughter die without knowing how much you and Draco loved her" the man says ever so softly, before his hands drop again to take his son away from him.
And then there is his daughter in his arms. And she is just as small as her brother, with the same black hair. Draco would be so furious. But where her brother grew colder each second Harry had held him, she was still warm, and her heart was still beating.
He is aware of Snape making him sit down, and of the Healer and midwives leaving, but he pays it no mind. He only has eyes for his most beautiful girl. "You are a very strong one, aren't you" he sobs ever so softly. "A true fighter, I bet you would have caused loads of trouble for your fathers," he speaks to her, because Severus was right, and his daughter has to know how much she is loved.
"Did you know that your father searched for the best name for you. He had made it a present to you but also to me. Your name is Iris, for my mother was called Lily and apparently those flowers are connected, even in magical theory. Of course your father being who he is, he tried to hide the fact that Iris is also considered close to Narcissa. But you know I can be sneaky too, and I found out about it and loved your name even more" he spoke so quietly, while listening to the ever faint heart beat, the heavy breathing that must be so difficult for her and to the steadier heartbeat from his mate just a few inches away.
"I wish I could do something for you" he whispers as he is losing the fight with his tears, "and I wish for you to know how much you are loved, not only by me, but by your father too. You must have felt it already, because he really tried all he could" he sobs silently and has to wipe away his own tears, because he can't see her anymore.
He then strokes her cheek softly, and suddenly the tiny hand grasps his finger so fast, that Harry is actually startled. "So strong" he repeats softly and full of admiration for his daughter. He can't look away from the so tiny fingers, grasping his huge one, pushing down on it, so that the flesh is slightly redden. Without the nails the finger looks a little strange, but still it is so beautiful to Harry. His daughter is touching him, holding on to him., while fighting for each breath. "I'm so sorry my sweet little girl. I promise you, if there would be anything, anything at all, I could do for you, I would" he mumbles, while his tears wet the blanket that is wrapped around the little girl.
He feels how the tiny hand loses its grip around his finger, how the breaths turn more and more into huffs. "I hope so much, you are not in pain, sweetie, I forgot to ask. I'm really rather useless as a father," he sighs heavily. How could he forget this question? How could he sit here and watch as his daughter battles a fight she cannot win? He should fight it for her, he should have protected her, and his son and his mate.
But all he can do is look down at the little face and try to remember it as much as possible, while her heartbeats grew softer, and the periods between each breath take longer. And then she has taken her last breath, and the beat stops altogether.
Harry howls in sorrow, not knowing what else to do. He howls till his voice breaks, while cradling her tiny body close to his chest.
---
It was the first drop of his tears, that made him realize how close he was to howling again. He should have known it, this memory always had this strong effect on him, it tears his heart apart. Nothing else came even close to the pain he had suffered in that moment. The whole of the war had just become so insignificant.
For a few moments he had been a father. And then he wasn't. He remembered how he cried and hid his face in Severus' chest, begging him to tell him that he was only dreaming, that this was a nightmare, that he was still in school. He even said he would fight Voldemort again, if it just meant his pups would be alive. And Severus had just stood there, and let him cry. Harry had smelled the sadness and the grief, radiating, but still the potions master hadn't uttered a single word, and then Harry had fallen asleep. The rest of the day had been such a blur he didn't know how he got by. But what he remembered was the day Draco awoke two days later.
---
Harry lies next to Draco, watching the comings and goings of the birds . He hasn't really moved since he lay down here, and he has no wish to do so either. He is aware that somewhere in this huge manor the dead bodies of his pups, are lying in state, like it was tradition, but he doesn't want to know where, he isn't even sure he wants to go there. He wants to remember his daughter touching him, her fingers, holding on to him. Or the softness of her skin, as he is stroking her.
He feels so alone in this. Draco isn't here to share it with him, hadn't been awake, hadn't seen how beautiful she was and brave she fought. Draco doesn't know yet. Harry has no idea how to tell him, how to talk about it. A part of him wishes Draco wouldn't wake up until Harry knows the right words. However the healer had told him, that Draco should come around sometime today, and so Harry tries to find the right words in his mind, even when he knows there are no words to be found.
Draco wakes up in such a peaceful way, with the sun shining in his face, and his body moving closer to the warmth of Harry's. Slowly Harry combs through the silky hair, tries to keep his breath even, to not betray the truth a second too soon. He hasn't thought that like him, the first thing Draco does, is listen for the two little heartbeats, which should be there, but have been gone for three days now.
His mate sits up so fast, and clutches his stomach before looking frantically around. "Where are they?" he asks, panic in his voice. Harry sits up more slowly. 'They are gone' comes to his mind, 'They are lost' would also be appropriate, 'They are dead' the harsh truth, but no word escapes his lips, he only hangs his head.
"Potter, where are my children?" Draco shrieks and moves himself out of the transfigured bed. Harry notices how Draco struggles with his body, how it doesn't move as gracefully as it normally would. The skin must still be tender from where he was cut open. In the end there would not be a scar but for now it was still there.
As he looks up, he sees the expectant look in his mates eyes, still full of hope, and Harry just stares blankly back, fighting with his tears. Draco catches on: "Both?" he whispered, before simply crashing to the floor, hugging his stomach.
The scream erupted before Harry has a chance to move. It's such a raw sound, Harry knows that if his mate could, he would howl now too.
He has no words to give, no comfort to soften the blow, but he kneels down beside Draco and drags the blond into his arms, let him scream at his shoulder.
---
Harry hated this memory, hated it with all his might, because this was the memory of his failure to prevent the change in his mate. Something deep down, in some hidden place, in Draco had broken on that very summer morning, and since then, it never mended. Everybody had noticed it, but none of them knew how cold Draco had gotten. It became so difficult to live with him, Harry thought he would break all over again, due to the coldness, and the resentment Draco showed. Those days, devastation became Harry's steady companion.
---
The funeral is a quiet affair. None of the pack are invited, only Draco and him. The ceremony is be held by Severus, because Draco had finally agreed to it. They bury their children in the Malfoy Mausoleum, without any surname, just Iris and Leo, the date of birth, and of the death on the silver plate, that decorated the marble stone. Traditionally they wouldn't bury their children when they are born this early, but give them to fire. However Draco and he wanted them buried.
Harry cries, but Draco just sits there, whispering the words along with Snaps heavy voice. Draco never wants to talk about them, doesn't want to look at them either, and Harry isn't allowed to tell him, what a great fighter their daughter had been.
"They are dead, Potter, knowing about them won't change it" Draco had answered, as Harry had asked if the blond wanted to join him, in the silent memorial, the night before.
After Severus is done, Draco gets up and left the Mausoleum without a word. Harry has no clue what was going on in his mate's mind, and Severus only says that Harry has to be patient, to give him space.
He doesn't dare to tell Severus that he doesn't know where Draco spends his nights now, but the last two nights, he hadn't spent at the Manor.
Harry is so alone and helpless. He tried to talk with Remus, but it felt wrong. He can't talk with Hermione now, because she herself is now pregnant for four months and very excited. He can't talk to any members of his pack, because Draco would never forgive him, so he has to bear it, and hope that one day Draco will talk about it.
After two months of never ending silence, Harry has given up on trying to talk about it. Their bedroom is now in the north wing, because Draco refuses to go anywhere near the east wing. All their stuff is now there too. Harry doesn't like it, the wolf doesn't like it. The north wing feels wrong, foreign, cold. Like his relationship has become. Draco gets up before Harry, spends the day on one business or the other and comes back late at night. He doesn't run with the pack under the full moon, and he shies away from Harry's touch.
True loneliness is what makes Harry seek out the Mausoleum each day a little longer. To talk to his cubs, to not go mad with longing, to not fight with his mate.
He knows Draco is hurting too, he can smell it so very strongly, but without Draco's consent he can't do anything but endure.
---
Harry shuddered from the coldness the memory brought with it. He moved closer to Draco, Inhaled the scent of his mate deeply. Even now, there were times his mate would move away from him, days he would go without speaking, time spent apart. But now, at least sometimes, Draco would also come to him, cry at his shoulder, telling Harry how he thinks about their birthdays, how old their pups would be. He never used their names, and the moment never lasts long, but now they talked about them, and not just hid them behind a veil of silence. It had taken unexpected help to heal the rift, which suddenly had separated him from his mate.
---
Harry sits in the drawing room, with the French doors, and the huge terrace. Draco never steps in here anymore. So Harry feels safe here, to cry his sorrow, to hold the two blankets that once covered his children. He misses Draco, the warmth he always had found in his mate. He is grieving for his children, but he is drowning in his loneliness. There is no one he can turn too.
He thinks about his parents, about Sirius, but he isn't sure if he is able to tell them either. His parents after all had succeeded where he failed, had saved their son, at the cost of their lives. He would exchange his life in a heartbeat for the life of his son and daughter. But his wishes don't make a difference anymore.
"Mr. Potter", comes the quiet, soft voice, on his left side, and Harry turns around, to look into the calm face of Narcissa Malfoy, and right behind her stands her husband. He looks at them in shock, and tries to dry his tears with the sleeve from his shirt. Since the funeral, clothes are the least of the concerns the wolf has, and as Harry feels so cold most of the time, even though it is summer, he had started to wear them again.
"Mrs. Malfoy, Mr Malfoy" Harry greets them, his voice still shaken by crying. He gets up slowly, to step closer to the huge portrait frame, the blankets still clutched in his fingers. Mrs. Malfoy looks at Harry with such warm eyes that he is slightly taken aback.
As he is now standing in front of the frame, Mrs Malfoy is sitting down on the seat, that must be behind her, hiden by her beautiful dress.
"You have grown into a fine man, since the last time I saw you" she speaks softly, and Harry feels his cheeks getting warm. "A fine wolf too, if the stories we were hearing are to be believed" she smiles brighter.
"Stories?" he asks confused.
"I may have exaggerated on the word" she chuckled softly."The family has quite some amusement with exchanging rumours about you. I think they haven't enjoyed their time as portraits since before your grandparents moved in, don't you think so dear?" she looks up to the man behind her.
"They certainly enjoy the entertainment they are getting since Mr Potter moved in" Lucius said, in a calm voice and a way Harry has never heard before.
"If you are here to mock me, please know, that this is really not a good time" Harry turns away from the portrait. He didn't know what he expected, but he surely isn't able to handle the mocking by the parents of his mate now.
"Mr Potter, we didn't come to mock" Narcissa suddenly says, in a very stern voice. "We can see, that what has happened is hurting the both of you" she goes on, but her voice now has a concerned ring, so he looks back at her. "You are crying here each day, we were bound to notice" Narcissa states, a small smile on her lips.
"I was a father, for a few moments, you know? And now I'm simply not" Harry says without thinking, "and my mate doesn't want to talk about our kids, doesn't want me to be around him, doesn't want to be around me. I had everything for just a moment, and now all is gone, and there is nothing left" he whispers, tears building in his eyes again.
"You are still a father" Mr Malfoy suddenly says, and Harry looks up into blazing gray eyes. "Just because your children died, doesn't make you less of a father to them. You cared for them, and you feel for them and in your heart, you will always remember them" the former patriarch of Malfoy family states in such a calm voice. it has a huge impact on Harry, and he starts to cry in earnest, because his pups are gone. But suddenly there are people understanding how he feels.
"Draco cries too" Narcissa suddenly says, moving closer to the frame. "He thinks it's all his fault, just like you think it's all your fault. When in truth such things don't have a reason, and are not really anybody's fault, they just happen" she says. Harry only nods, tries to calm down.
"Where is Draco then? He moved us to the north wing, but he never is there" Harry asks.
"He is hiding, in one of the secret rooms" Narcissa answers. Harry nods again, because that actually explains a lot.
"Mr Potter, help my son understand that just because his children died, doesn't mean he is less of a parent, or that his love wasn't enough" Lucius asks, not moving around in the portrait like his wife.
"But he doesn't want to talk about it" Harry says desperately, because he has tried, and tried, but Draco doesn't want to.
"Remember the full moon night, when you came to claim him? " Lucius replies swiftly. Harry looks with great eyes at Draco's parents. How do they know that? But after a moment, when Mr Malfoy just looks calmly back at him he nods. "Draco doesn't like to deal with pain, never has. My father pushed him very hard, and he learned from a very young age to just accept but not deal with the pain he suffers" the man explains and Harry dips his head in understanding again.
---
It was the first of many conversations he would share with Lucius and Narcissa. It also had taken him three days, to work up the resolution and the courage to face Draco again, and make him see how they both had been hurting. It had been a shaky time, but they pulled through, not without scars and not without great damage to their hearts. And now their relationship was maybe even stronger than before.
That was why this change made Harry nervous. He moved his free hand, stroked down, Draco's chest to his belly, before he whispered a "finite" and then two tiny heartbeats became audible in the silence of the night.
The heartbeats made him nervous, but at the same time, they filled him with joy, just like their sister's and brother's had. They would be more careful, at least the first few months- pups got to run and play when they want to after all. And before that, there would be conversations about names again, maybe he could manage to come up with some real good reasons for hyphenation their last names.
It was a new chance, and he would prove himself. He would not fail his family again. The north wing has grown on him, he wouldn't move again. Never to mention that this wing had beautiful children's bedrooms.
He would wait for Draco to be ready to tell him, and till then he would watch over his family during the night.
Yes, it had been a magical moment, a changing day. And Harry recalled all too clearly the next months, the torture it had been for everybody. Still, to Harry those were his rose coloured days. Draco had had the funniest eating urges at the worst times and had driven not only the houseelves spare but Harry too. And of course because Draco was a Malfoy, and Malfoys don't do public pregnancies he just quit his job, saying he had been sick and tired of doing it anyway. When in truth the decision had been hard on the blond. Harry often had caught him reading old case files, and talking to his unborn children about them, about how he had helped his clients to get their rights, had saved them from being judged unfairly.
Harry knew Draco had worked hard to become a highly respected advocate, had taken on cases no one else had dared to, had worked many hours without expecting to be paid for it, and regained trust and honour for himself and his family name. It had hurt him to let it go, because he had lived in the fear of never having that respect again.
It didn't end there either, Draco's wolf was hard to handle for Harry too. It was randy one moment, and all fed up the next, fighting him just as hard as he did the first time and then seeking him out, not letting him alone for one step. It only got worse during the full moon, when the wolf sought to be close to his pack and at the same time it wanted all of them to keep their distance. It also didn't help that it got even more protective of the Malfoy Manor and its immediate grounds. During two moons even Harry himself wasn't allowed to approach before the sun rose again and then his mate would nestle close to him, seeking the skin to skin contact, asking him to never let go.
However all the troubles had meant nothing to Harry, what had mattered were the three heartbeats he heard each night, when he held Draco close. When Draco would search for his hand, and they would whisper about wishes for the future of their children. Harry had to stifle his chuckle as he remembered one particular night that started with a very peculiar moody Draco.
---
"Potter, what are you doing?" Draco huffs, standing in the doorway to the closet.
Harry knows his mate has been waiting for him, to come and go to sleep in their hide, but Harry really wanted to finish his letter to Hermione first. "I told you, I'm writing Hermione, and it may take a while, her last owl was five pages long, and you know how much she can fit on five pages" he explains as patiently as he can again.
"That woman. You meet her every two weeks to talk, you see each other at least once a week, what can be so important to write five pages about, that cannot wait for the next three days?" Draco steps fully out of the closet and lets himself fall on the sofa next to Harry.
"Actually we are writing about your control issues and how I'm now living as your kept man, spending all of your money and going through half of the money my parents left me," Harry jokes.
It is partly true, he hasn't got a job, and he lives for free in Malfoy Manor. Then again he is the alpha of a very large pack. His days are filled with the duties he has as such. And he also works as a creature- wizard- liaison most of the time for Hermione too. With benefits for his pack, of course, because it can never be wrong to have good friends in other races. And it gives Harry the feeling of doing something good in the world with his fame.
"Oh come on, we don't even manage to spend the interest of the Malfoy fortune. Yes, the reparations did cut deep in one of the vaults, but then again the Ministry doesn't know how many vaults my family has" Draco dismisses the topic.
"Neither do I, so how many vaults are in your name?" Harry stops writing and looks at his mate. As per usual he draws Draco closer, caresses the now very visible stomach of his lover.
"Marry me, take my name and you will know" Draco says, and moves into the touch. "They are getting quite heavy" he says softly, enjoying the caress. "Feels like I'm turning into a bubble that will burst" he complains, before he too strokes his stomach.
"Why your name? Why not mine, or even better a hyphenation Harry says. This discussion is after all an old one. To Draco and him it's a joke, because they know they belong together without any ceremony. And it isn't like they can marry for real, because it would out Draco as a werewolf too, and the blond tries to avoid that at all cost.
"Hyphenation is so crass, Potter. And I will never answer to the name of a somebody who gets his hands muddy with clay, how plebeian can you get" Draco shakes his head laughing.
"Because something that translates to bad faith is better, Malfoy? Really, you are just afraid you lose the only character trait that really shows besides overindulged git," Harry jokes and moves his head closer to Draco's lips. He likes the mood swings now even more than before the pregnancy, because a snarky Draco means more often than not a horny Draco.
"Well at least I got some traits beyond horrid old-fashioned glasses," Draco grins and kisses Harry softly, before he moves away.
"But for the kids it will be your name" he suddenly says and Harry is taken aback by that.
"What? Why?" he searches for better words, "Draco I know how much your family means to you. They can have your name, even more so if it means they have your vaults to inherit. I mean my family isn't poor but yours has created an empire," he tries to reasons with his mate, before he sees Draco roll his eyes.
"Potter think for once in your life before you speak? My name is associated with the Dark Lord, and even if I was respected for my work as an advocate, I still was the Death Eater trying to redeem myself. With your name doors will be open to them, that are long shut to mine. You are the hero" Draco explains.
"Yes the hero and the known werewolf. Think about it, they all know I am a were, it's in the papers all the time" Harry shakes his head.
"They will have to deal with the fact that they are part wolf, because that is what their life will be about- nothing can change that. But they don't need to deal with more than one prejudice at the same time" Draco says and takes Harry's hand in his. "Harry, we can't save them from what they are going to be. And if they are just a little bit like you, they will enjoy being a wolf, and most probably, like you they will enjoy shifting every chance they get. We won't be able to hide that they are wolves, especially when they will be small children trying to get a rise out of us, " Draco says before he loses some of his colour.
"Oh Merlin the horror of both of them looking like you and behaving like me. Potter, what have we done, we won't survive them" Draco pushes his hand against his chest, playing up the drama and making Harry laugh very hard.
"Why are they going to look like me?" Harry asks still laughing.
"Because I bet you one treacle tart that my lovely Malfoy looks will have to admit defeat to your... let's say unique features, if you want to call your bird's nest of hair that" Draco says and sounds so condescending that Harry can't hold the laughter anymore, and has to hold his belly.
"You don't see the drama in it. But you must know that my family spent hundreds of years on creating perfection and now your genes are ruining it in one go. Oh, the shame, the horror. It might be enough to get my poor, poor aunt to swear again" the blond says and Harry can see how his mate has trouble himself holding the laughter in.
"Which one of your aunts, that one that went around the bend and married her own cousin, for the sake of top quality genes of course, or that one, who stayed single and had a lot of horses if I remember your tales" Harry asks innocently.
"Potter!" Draco shrieked, "if you are saying what I think you are saying- Potter how can you!"
"Well, you have a wolf in your bed each night, so who knows for sure?" Harry barely manages to say, before he throws himself into the next laughing fit, this time, sliding off the sofa.
"Crude!" Draco says, and giggles all the same.
"Crude, but you are still having my pups", he leans in and kisses Draco's stomach. Draco had told him, that the kids get more lively the more he laughs.
"I want to talk about something" Harry says, and he sees how Draco's laugh gets thinner, how small lines are appearing on his face. "You know, since we were already on the topic of names. If they are boys, I want us to name them after the stars" Harry says softly. He can hear how Draco draws in a sharp breath.
"Why?"
"Because it's the tradition in your family, and I rather like the idea. I mean only if you want to of course" he looks up, and meets silver eyes brimming with tears.
"I... one of them should be named Leo, after the constellation, but also for your family, because no matter how much you deny it, you are a true lion in your heart, and I guess, given the history, your family was too" Draco moves and strokes Harry's hair.
"You already given that some thought" he smiles happily, "and I would like that very much. Leo. It's a beautiful name" Harry smiles.
"It has... there is... Regulus is the brightest star in Leo, you do know that" Draco whispers.
"I know, and I know that Sirius had his problems with his brother, but loved him nonetheless. And I also know that Regulus Black was the first person ever to pull a prank on Lord Voldemort. So I think that Leo will fit our son very nicely," Harry says and gets up, kisses Draco again.
"Come to bed with me" his mate pleads suddenly, stroking down Harry's chest. Harry just takes his hand and walks into the closet with Draco. He could always answer Hermione's letter tomorrow, or wait till the day after to talk to her in person.
---
Harry's smile widened at the warm feeling of the memory. It truly had been one of the strangest and happiest nights in his life, and Harry knows through all his complaints, Draco had liked being pregnant just as much as Harry. It had been an open secret between them, not shared with anyone else and never spoken out aloud. There had been no need for that. But no matter how he wished to stay in those days, his memory, his mind won't stop thinking, making him face the cruelty they had to endure again, for it was the reason he couldn't find sleep tonight.
---
"The moon will be out soon, so are you coming?" Draco asks impatiently, "Just because you don't need the moon, doesn't mean no one else does either" he snarls on. Harry knows that his mate is trying to cover up his impatience and his worry.
Twice he had spoken to the healer and the midwives already, once the blond had forced Harry to go with him to visit Severus. All had said the same: Everything is fine and as it should be. And still his mate said that it isn't, that something feels off. However since all the experts they trust and are available to them say its fine, Harry tries to stay calm, and be rational.
In truth he is just as much on the edge as Draco, because he and his wolf believe what his mate says more than they believe all the other people. So if his mate says something is off, surely something has to be off, and it worries him.
The full moon tonight seems to weigh down heavily on both of them. Harry knows how much magic is involved in the transformation from human to wolf, and he has also read up on male pregnancies and how different they are from females' and how he could help Draco in any way.
But the truth remains that during the pregnancy magical children solemnly depend on the magic power of their carrier. All Harry could do, is be close to his mate, making his magic available to Draco. But during the full moon, that is dangerous for both of them, because wolf magic was not human magic. Harry knows that technically tonight's shift will be even easier than those before, because Deacon had said that the worst part was over. But Draco's feelings worry him, more than he can say. He takes one last deep breath before he steps out the bathroom, and stretches leisurely.
"I'm coming, I'm coming. You know they won't start the hunt without us" he jokes rather lamely, but it has the wished for effect and Draco relaxes, while looking down his nose at Harry.
"Just because you are the alpha doesn't mean you should go around and make others wait for you. In fact because you are the alpha we should have been there first" he says and walks out the door: "But be a jerk, see if I care when they tear you down" Draco mutters, words only audible because of Harry's wolf hearing.
"Oh, you would, fight to your death you would, if you knew a way to keep the kids and me save" Harry states grinning broadly, while listening to Draco stomping down the stairs. He just loves his mate in all his moods. However he has also lived long enough with his mate, to know when to pick on him, and when to let it rest. Survival is always a concern for the wolf.
As they join the other wolves at the clearing in the woods they are nearly the last to arrive, but no one says or reacts in any way. He knows that many of the people here have learned to live with the fact that they will depend their whole life's on Wolfsbane and also have come to accept that the wolf likes to run in packs, hunt in packs and sometime play silly pranks on other members of the pack.
Remus, the other alpha he always forgets the name of, and he himself pride themselves with the knowledge that nobody who sought help was left behind, and that most of the victims of Greybacks attacks have adapted well to their new life's. Some of them can't ever be helped, because they are too upset with being turned a creature.
Nevertheless even this side effect of the war has been battled and accepted. And while a large part of the wizarding population still lived in fear of the werewolves, at least Remus and Hermione had managed to not only make them all keep their wands, but also to have mostly all the same rights as human and some special rights during the night of the full moon. However most of the wolves still try to avoid being registered, because the entry in the register most probably will cost them their jobs.
So, Harry never really ventures far into the human wizarding world, when he can avoid it. Being a known werewolf and Harry Potter just brings him too much attention and not all of that focuses on the fact that he saved them, but on the fact of how hard his life as a wolf may be.
Harry sees it differently, he likes being a wolf, a strong wolf, a fast wolf. He is proud about it, and most of his pack now is proud too.
As the moon rises behind the trees he can see how one after another his pack changes, till his eyes stop on Draco eyebrow arched. But the blond just shakes his head and bites down on his lip, before the pull of the moon makes him shift into the magnificent wolf his mate is. Harry is the last man standing, resisting the urge to change for a second longer, before he gives his body and mind over to the wolf. Let the hunt under the full moon begin.
In the dawn of the morning, as the dark of night gives way to early twilight the wolves find themselves at the clearing once more. The hunt has been successful, their borders had been defended and overall the pack was in a good mood. One last time they howl at the moon before as one they all drift apart in different directions. For the body the shift is exhausting, and they all know that it is much easier to run back home as a wolf and shift there, so that the way to bed wouldn't be far anymore.
It is only on their way home he realizes how mute his mate has been for the better part of this night. Harry slows down and snuggles himself across his mate, but the silver wolf doesn't react other than to growl slowly.
As the first sunrays illuminate the sky they reach the terrace and Harry shifts back, shakes his body, and searches for his thoughts, for his worries, for his human mind. It's when he looks at Draco to observe his change, as he has liked to do since the very first full moon together, that Harry realizes something is way off.
He knows how Draco changes just as much as he knows how to change himself, and Draco always shifts with his hind paws first. But not this time, this time it seems to Harry the whole body is trying to shift as one, there are fingers on the front paws, silver fur is giving way to blond hair and skin is breaking through the fur of the belly.
"Draco?" he asks, it's stupid but he has to ask, because this is wrong, his mate doesn't shift that way.
"Get help, fast" sounds the tormented voice of his mate and Harry notices that of the three heartbeats he has become so accustomed to hearing, two of them flutter so irregularly and sound so faint, while the loudest one seems to race with time.
He doesn't blink, he accios his wand with such a need that he hears a window break. The patronus, now a huge silver wolf, is quickly cast and Harry sends it off with a message to the midwives and the healer. Harry is aware of how tired they all must be, he also sends for Severus, because it can only help at this point to have someone there who didn't spend the last night out in the woods hunting.
Through Draco and Severus grew apart in the war, some rifts have been mended in the last years, and Severus has a huge influence in his godsons life now again. Just like Remus is Harry's acting godfather. And if Harry is honest he wishes for the cool demeanour of the potions master, that took everything in a stride, his voice never wavering no matter how in uproar his feelings are, now to be there with him, and to mock him for the state he is in, just because of some minor thing.
As soon as his wolf takes off, he kneels next to Draco, afraid to touch him, but still needing to touch him, to believe that everything will be fine, will be alright.
Draco doesn't speak, but he whimpers in pain, still shifting ever so slowly, and his breath is coming in sharp gasps. And Harry is torn, not knowing what to do, but listening to the heartbeats, holding Draco's fingers in his hand.
"It's gonna be fine. Severus'll make it so" Harry speaks softly trying as much to calm his mate as he wants to calm himself. "You are aware of the fact, that he will somehow find a reason to pin this on me, because I have done something wrong. This will be so much like back in school. I can see it clearly in my mind: 'Potter, what have you done now, can't-" but then Harry's voice breaks, as one of the faint heartbeats just stops all together.
What should he do? What can he do? His mind is blank in panic, and the wolf is also on the edge, fearing for its mate, for its pups but just as much as Harry it doesn't know what to do.
The loud crack of apparition makes Harry look up, and look into the nearly black eyes of his former Professor.
"Something is wrong, this is not the way he shifts, and... and one of the pups... it's...the heart", Harry starts to sob, start to tremble, "it just stopped" he whispers, and looks forlorn.
He can hear the silent gulp Severus makes, can smell the shock and fear that settles over the professor, because the wolf isn't tricked so easily, but all Harry wants to do is listen to the calm voice, let it soothe him, as the older man says: "Oh, snap out of it Potter. Your dramatics will not be helping Draco in any way now." And then Severus starts to cast spells on Draco.
The next to arrive is Deacon, looking very tired fighting with his exhausted body, but still trying to help because he was the healer of the pack. "Here, this will help you, it's a potion Draco and I designed, especially for days after the full moon," Severus hands Deacon a phial of what Harry is sure is the near perfect version of Animadversio.
The only thing Draco and Severus are having trouble with, is the taste to the wolf. To a human it tastes perfectly fine and like a juice, but to a werewolf it is worse than Skele-gro. Deacon takes it without asking, and makes a tortured face, but the effect is immediate and he nods his thanks to Snape before Harry sees how he too starts to cast.
Their two midwives are the last to arrive, and Severus hands them the potion too, before they all start to talk in a way Harry can barely follow. And then they all look at him, and he stares surprised back.
"You have to make him complete the shift, we can't help any of them before he is human again, the wolf's magic won't permit it" Deacon suddenly says.
"It will also be easier for Draco if you push him, than if we would do it, he knows your magic, and you are his alpha" says one of the midwives. It doesn't change the shock Harry feels.
He has done it before, push one of his pack back in his human body and human mind, because he got lost, but never on Draco. Draco reacts not well, if he is pushed by Harry, and both he and his wolf don't like the idea of pushing him now, when everything is just so wrong, and there is still only one weak heartbeat, were there ought to be two.
"Potter, if he stays this way, that will kill all of them" Severus snaps at him, but his eyes are heavy with worry. Harry nods. He can do this, for his mate. And Draco would wish for Harry to do it, if it means saving their cubs.
The problem is, what Harry has to do, is what Draco had feared since the first time he surrendered: Harry has to overpower Draco's magic and to make it submit to his will. None of the wolves really care about that, but most of the time, he as the alpha has the power to soften the blow. For the simple reason that he was the alpha exactly because he can overpower them, and so he can protect them from harm that may come their way, or harm they may inflict on themselves. But Draco is different, and the loss of control is one of the biggest fears the blond has. It is a fear coming from a deep scar inside his mate, and a mark that was only the top of it.
Harry can feel his body move regardless of his own concerns. The wolf taking over, where the human fails, because this is something the wolf can do, and will do, no matter what his human mind may think of it. And it is done so easily, there is no fight left in his mate, and he can command the shift completes within moments to be. But this causes his mate to scream in pain, before another spell hits him.
"What- Why... what is wrong?" Harry asks looking around, but no one pays him any mind, before he feels Severus Hand on his shoulder. "Draco has to be brought inside, and they have to take the little ones out" Severus says in a grave voice, and drags Harry to his feet.
"Show them to a bed" he commands and Harry opens the French doors and transfigures the love seat into a bed. As he is done he looks up at Severus, who nods approvingly, before they both watch as Deacon lays Draco down on it.
"What is going on, Severus? Why, why is there only one heartbeat?" he asks his voice getting shakier.
"Draco's magic is exhausted. It is an oversight from all of us" Severus says, and moves his hands to cover his chest. "Normally the time for a failure of the magic ends around the fourteen week mark, for werewolves around the sixteen week mark, but how many werewolves do you know who have carried twins? Even more so, given that you are both werewolves your pups also have two sides, and their magic shifts too on the night of the full moon" Severus explains and Harry feels the colour draining from his face.
"The off feeling, was the shift of the pups" he suddenly understands.
"Yes, but even if they are twins, they are still single entireties, and both their magic shifted in different ways" Severus says, and Harry has to face away. "The moon tonight pushed Draco's magic in three different directions. And the last week, we spent so much time brewing too," Severus states in a smaller voice. Harry nods in understanding.
Most of the time potions brewing isn't considered magic, he himself had thought so before Draco had explained to him the deep theories and workings of brewing: In reality every little step takes a little magic from the wizard, the stirring, the cutting and crushing the handling off the ingredients, all of it is magic. It's just not one spell where the magic becomes obvious, nonetheless it can be just as exhausting. And for his highly pregnant mate it had been too much.
"Potter," Snape suddenly says, before he turns around and looks Harry in the eyes once more: "Harry, you must be prepared, that there is the possibility that they won't be able to save your pups" Severus says, in such a calm and soft voice, that Harry has trouble to really understand the words Severus used. But the meaning, the meaning hit home, and he feels the sting in his eyes, as they tear up.
"What... is there... there is nothing I can do, is there," he whispers. Harry just falls into the wing chair and looks over to where Healer Deacon and the midwives are discussing something, while casting and working, and ordering the house elves about. What is there to do?
"What about Draco?" he asks in a hoarse voice. Magical exhaustion is a big deal to wizards, and he has heard of deaths caused by the exhaustion. Magic is to wizards like breathing, they depend on it.
"Please don't mistake me for a healer. I can cure illness, and I can help children with the basic care they need, but Draco's state is beyond my knowledge" Snape answers still calm, but as Harry looks up to him, he sees the deep frown on the other mans forehead.
"You know a great deal, and my pack is very indebted to you" Harry says. He really wished he could say something like: 'So it's good to know that there are some limits to what you can do' but the joke just won't come. "Do... do you think they would mind, if I sit with Draco, if I hold his hand?" he asks in a whispered voice instead. Looking at the three people being very busy, and talking in sharp words.
"No, Harry, I don't think anyone will mind" Severus says and helps him up, because Harry's feet are so shaky he can't make them hold him up. "Should I... do you wish for Remus to be here?" Severus asks as he leads him to Draco.
"No, he will be all battled down from the moon, let him rest" Harry shakes his head. As he is sits again, on the stool, that Severus pushes him on he looks back: "Don't go" he suddenly reaches for the hand of Severus. He is aware that Severus and he haven't the best of relationships, but they have common people they care deeply about. In the past Harry also had often turned to Severus, when his mate did something Harry couldn't figure out himself. He just wanted someone here with him, who would know what to do no matter the situation.
"I'll be here" the older man says with a nod, and pats Harry on the shoulder once more. Harry turns to Draco, sees the deep, dark circles around his mates eyes, the gray, unhealthy skin, and the sweat that is covering his forehead. Draco looks so pale and thin, like the dead, but the wolf still hears the heartbeat, smells the sweat and feels the warmth of his mate, and Harry clings to that. However even the wolf doesn't dare to search for the other two heartbeats, which had been such a source of joy the last months, because their absence would be too painful to face now. He strokes carefully through Draco's soft hair, just to touch his mate, to be close.
Only the sudden smell of blood makes him turn his head and look at the three person team. They have cut Draco open, and Harry knows that if it isn't his wolf, the love of the hunt, he wouldn't have been able to take the sight that greets him. There was just so much blood and viscera, but due to the full moon hunts he was used to it.
He can't focus on the sight for long anyway, because one of the midwives was holding such a small bundle. Harry never notices how he gets up and steps to her. He notices that the small body is not breathing, that there isn't the smell of life coming from it, that the heart isn't beating. He looks at the women, and she looks sadly at him. She is one of the few who actually managed to bond more with Draco then with him, but in this moment she shared his pain.
"Can I... can I still hold it" he asks fighting down the sob, but not managing to hold in his tears. "Of course" she says, and hands him the small pup.
He takes it ever so carefully, as if there was still life he could break. He smiles at the dark shock of hair. Draco had been right, the beauty of the Malfoy hair hadn't had a chance against his unruly mop. But the features, all angled and aristocratic, just like a true Malfoy. Such a beautiful child. Such a beautiful son, he notices, as his eyes travel across the body, and notice the small genitals, and the even tinier feet. Such perfection, if it weren't for the lack of toenails... and the lack of life.
The wail escapes him so suddenly, he has no chance to stop it.
How can it be, that he is The Boy Who Lived, because of his mother's love for him, but his love didn't save his own son. The howl rings full of sorrow, and he feels some members of his pack rise to it, but he can't stop. His son... whom he loved so much, even if he never had met him.
How is he to tell Draco about this, when his mate wakes up?
Harry is so lost in his sorrow that he doesn't realize that the other midwife has stepped up to him, holding another small bundle, before she touches Harry and shakes him ever so slightly. He looks at her with something fierce and frightening, he guesses because she immediately takes a step back. But then the scent of the small child reaches him, and there is the softly beating of a heart. It is so weak, that even he has to concentrate on it, before he widens his eyes in horror. This, this can't be true. Such a nightmare can't be his reality... he won't accept it.
He looks around at the faces of the other midwife and Healer Deacon, but they both lower their heads at his gaze.
He feels how his son is taken away from him, and he tries to hold him tighter, to not let go, to hope for the same miracle that had happened to him. "Let him, Harry" Severus whispers and looks him straight in the eye. It was odd how Harry only notices now, that he has grown bigger than Severus. It isn't even an inch, but as he feels so small and helpless on the inside, he notices that to the world he was a grown up man.
"The other... it won't survive either" he whispers, because he knows it's the truth but still he begs for Severus to say he got it wrong, like the man had told him so often in the past.
"We tried, but her lungs are too undeveloped, and her heart rate won't settle... but even if we can fix that, she is way too exhausted from last night" Deacon explains softly. Harry feels his hackles rise, feels how he wants to snap at the man. Deacon had to know, he should've prevented it. Draco knew something was wrong, why didn't the man help him.
But before even one word escapes him, there is once more a strong hand on his shoulder: "Go on, Harry, don't let your daughter die without knowing how much you and Draco loved her" the man says ever so softly, before his hands drop again to take his son away from him.
And then there is his daughter in his arms. And she is just as small as her brother, with the same black hair. Draco would be so furious. But where her brother grew colder each second Harry had held him, she was still warm, and her heart was still beating.
He is aware of Snape making him sit down, and of the Healer and midwives leaving, but he pays it no mind. He only has eyes for his most beautiful girl. "You are a very strong one, aren't you" he sobs ever so softly. "A true fighter, I bet you would have caused loads of trouble for your fathers," he speaks to her, because Severus was right, and his daughter has to know how much she is loved.
"Did you know that your father searched for the best name for you. He had made it a present to you but also to me. Your name is Iris, for my mother was called Lily and apparently those flowers are connected, even in magical theory. Of course your father being who he is, he tried to hide the fact that Iris is also considered close to Narcissa. But you know I can be sneaky too, and I found out about it and loved your name even more" he spoke so quietly, while listening to the ever faint heart beat, the heavy breathing that must be so difficult for her and to the steadier heartbeat from his mate just a few inches away.
"I wish I could do something for you" he whispers as he is losing the fight with his tears, "and I wish for you to know how much you are loved, not only by me, but by your father too. You must have felt it already, because he really tried all he could" he sobs silently and has to wipe away his own tears, because he can't see her anymore.
He then strokes her cheek softly, and suddenly the tiny hand grasps his finger so fast, that Harry is actually startled. "So strong" he repeats softly and full of admiration for his daughter. He can't look away from the so tiny fingers, grasping his huge one, pushing down on it, so that the flesh is slightly redden. Without the nails the finger looks a little strange, but still it is so beautiful to Harry. His daughter is touching him, holding on to him., while fighting for each breath. "I'm so sorry my sweet little girl. I promise you, if there would be anything, anything at all, I could do for you, I would" he mumbles, while his tears wet the blanket that is wrapped around the little girl.
He feels how the tiny hand loses its grip around his finger, how the breaths turn more and more into huffs. "I hope so much, you are not in pain, sweetie, I forgot to ask. I'm really rather useless as a father," he sighs heavily. How could he forget this question? How could he sit here and watch as his daughter battles a fight she cannot win? He should fight it for her, he should have protected her, and his son and his mate.
But all he can do is look down at the little face and try to remember it as much as possible, while her heartbeats grew softer, and the periods between each breath take longer. And then she has taken her last breath, and the beat stops altogether.
Harry howls in sorrow, not knowing what else to do. He howls till his voice breaks, while cradling her tiny body close to his chest.
---
It was the first drop of his tears, that made him realize how close he was to howling again. He should have known it, this memory always had this strong effect on him, it tears his heart apart. Nothing else came even close to the pain he had suffered in that moment. The whole of the war had just become so insignificant.
For a few moments he had been a father. And then he wasn't. He remembered how he cried and hid his face in Severus' chest, begging him to tell him that he was only dreaming, that this was a nightmare, that he was still in school. He even said he would fight Voldemort again, if it just meant his pups would be alive. And Severus had just stood there, and let him cry. Harry had smelled the sadness and the grief, radiating, but still the potions master hadn't uttered a single word, and then Harry had fallen asleep. The rest of the day had been such a blur he didn't know how he got by. But what he remembered was the day Draco awoke two days later.
---
Harry lies next to Draco, watching the comings and goings of the birds . He hasn't really moved since he lay down here, and he has no wish to do so either. He is aware that somewhere in this huge manor the dead bodies of his pups, are lying in state, like it was tradition, but he doesn't want to know where, he isn't even sure he wants to go there. He wants to remember his daughter touching him, her fingers, holding on to him. Or the softness of her skin, as he is stroking her.
He feels so alone in this. Draco isn't here to share it with him, hadn't been awake, hadn't seen how beautiful she was and brave she fought. Draco doesn't know yet. Harry has no idea how to tell him, how to talk about it. A part of him wishes Draco wouldn't wake up until Harry knows the right words. However the healer had told him, that Draco should come around sometime today, and so Harry tries to find the right words in his mind, even when he knows there are no words to be found.
Draco wakes up in such a peaceful way, with the sun shining in his face, and his body moving closer to the warmth of Harry's. Slowly Harry combs through the silky hair, tries to keep his breath even, to not betray the truth a second too soon. He hasn't thought that like him, the first thing Draco does, is listen for the two little heartbeats, which should be there, but have been gone for three days now.
His mate sits up so fast, and clutches his stomach before looking frantically around. "Where are they?" he asks, panic in his voice. Harry sits up more slowly. 'They are gone' comes to his mind, 'They are lost' would also be appropriate, 'They are dead' the harsh truth, but no word escapes his lips, he only hangs his head.
"Potter, where are my children?" Draco shrieks and moves himself out of the transfigured bed. Harry notices how Draco struggles with his body, how it doesn't move as gracefully as it normally would. The skin must still be tender from where he was cut open. In the end there would not be a scar but for now it was still there.
As he looks up, he sees the expectant look in his mates eyes, still full of hope, and Harry just stares blankly back, fighting with his tears. Draco catches on: "Both?" he whispered, before simply crashing to the floor, hugging his stomach.
The scream erupted before Harry has a chance to move. It's such a raw sound, Harry knows that if his mate could, he would howl now too.
He has no words to give, no comfort to soften the blow, but he kneels down beside Draco and drags the blond into his arms, let him scream at his shoulder.
---
Harry hated this memory, hated it with all his might, because this was the memory of his failure to prevent the change in his mate. Something deep down, in some hidden place, in Draco had broken on that very summer morning, and since then, it never mended. Everybody had noticed it, but none of them knew how cold Draco had gotten. It became so difficult to live with him, Harry thought he would break all over again, due to the coldness, and the resentment Draco showed. Those days, devastation became Harry's steady companion.
---
The funeral is a quiet affair. None of the pack are invited, only Draco and him. The ceremony is be held by Severus, because Draco had finally agreed to it. They bury their children in the Malfoy Mausoleum, without any surname, just Iris and Leo, the date of birth, and of the death on the silver plate, that decorated the marble stone. Traditionally they wouldn't bury their children when they are born this early, but give them to fire. However Draco and he wanted them buried.
Harry cries, but Draco just sits there, whispering the words along with Snaps heavy voice. Draco never wants to talk about them, doesn't want to look at them either, and Harry isn't allowed to tell him, what a great fighter their daughter had been.
"They are dead, Potter, knowing about them won't change it" Draco had answered, as Harry had asked if the blond wanted to join him, in the silent memorial, the night before.
After Severus is done, Draco gets up and left the Mausoleum without a word. Harry has no clue what was going on in his mate's mind, and Severus only says that Harry has to be patient, to give him space.
He doesn't dare to tell Severus that he doesn't know where Draco spends his nights now, but the last two nights, he hadn't spent at the Manor.
Harry is so alone and helpless. He tried to talk with Remus, but it felt wrong. He can't talk with Hermione now, because she herself is now pregnant for four months and very excited. He can't talk to any members of his pack, because Draco would never forgive him, so he has to bear it, and hope that one day Draco will talk about it.
After two months of never ending silence, Harry has given up on trying to talk about it. Their bedroom is now in the north wing, because Draco refuses to go anywhere near the east wing. All their stuff is now there too. Harry doesn't like it, the wolf doesn't like it. The north wing feels wrong, foreign, cold. Like his relationship has become. Draco gets up before Harry, spends the day on one business or the other and comes back late at night. He doesn't run with the pack under the full moon, and he shies away from Harry's touch.
True loneliness is what makes Harry seek out the Mausoleum each day a little longer. To talk to his cubs, to not go mad with longing, to not fight with his mate.
He knows Draco is hurting too, he can smell it so very strongly, but without Draco's consent he can't do anything but endure.
---
Harry shuddered from the coldness the memory brought with it. He moved closer to Draco, Inhaled the scent of his mate deeply. Even now, there were times his mate would move away from him, days he would go without speaking, time spent apart. But now, at least sometimes, Draco would also come to him, cry at his shoulder, telling Harry how he thinks about their birthdays, how old their pups would be. He never used their names, and the moment never lasts long, but now they talked about them, and not just hid them behind a veil of silence. It had taken unexpected help to heal the rift, which suddenly had separated him from his mate.
---
Harry sits in the drawing room, with the French doors, and the huge terrace. Draco never steps in here anymore. So Harry feels safe here, to cry his sorrow, to hold the two blankets that once covered his children. He misses Draco, the warmth he always had found in his mate. He is grieving for his children, but he is drowning in his loneliness. There is no one he can turn too.
He thinks about his parents, about Sirius, but he isn't sure if he is able to tell them either. His parents after all had succeeded where he failed, had saved their son, at the cost of their lives. He would exchange his life in a heartbeat for the life of his son and daughter. But his wishes don't make a difference anymore.
"Mr. Potter", comes the quiet, soft voice, on his left side, and Harry turns around, to look into the calm face of Narcissa Malfoy, and right behind her stands her husband. He looks at them in shock, and tries to dry his tears with the sleeve from his shirt. Since the funeral, clothes are the least of the concerns the wolf has, and as Harry feels so cold most of the time, even though it is summer, he had started to wear them again.
"Mrs. Malfoy, Mr Malfoy" Harry greets them, his voice still shaken by crying. He gets up slowly, to step closer to the huge portrait frame, the blankets still clutched in his fingers. Mrs. Malfoy looks at Harry with such warm eyes that he is slightly taken aback.
As he is now standing in front of the frame, Mrs Malfoy is sitting down on the seat, that must be behind her, hiden by her beautiful dress.
"You have grown into a fine man, since the last time I saw you" she speaks softly, and Harry feels his cheeks getting warm. "A fine wolf too, if the stories we were hearing are to be believed" she smiles brighter.
"Stories?" he asks confused.
"I may have exaggerated on the word" she chuckled softly."The family has quite some amusement with exchanging rumours about you. I think they haven't enjoyed their time as portraits since before your grandparents moved in, don't you think so dear?" she looks up to the man behind her.
"They certainly enjoy the entertainment they are getting since Mr Potter moved in" Lucius said, in a calm voice and a way Harry has never heard before.
"If you are here to mock me, please know, that this is really not a good time" Harry turns away from the portrait. He didn't know what he expected, but he surely isn't able to handle the mocking by the parents of his mate now.
"Mr Potter, we didn't come to mock" Narcissa suddenly says, in a very stern voice. "We can see, that what has happened is hurting the both of you" she goes on, but her voice now has a concerned ring, so he looks back at her. "You are crying here each day, we were bound to notice" Narcissa states, a small smile on her lips.
"I was a father, for a few moments, you know? And now I'm simply not" Harry says without thinking, "and my mate doesn't want to talk about our kids, doesn't want me to be around him, doesn't want to be around me. I had everything for just a moment, and now all is gone, and there is nothing left" he whispers, tears building in his eyes again.
"You are still a father" Mr Malfoy suddenly says, and Harry looks up into blazing gray eyes. "Just because your children died, doesn't make you less of a father to them. You cared for them, and you feel for them and in your heart, you will always remember them" the former patriarch of Malfoy family states in such a calm voice. it has a huge impact on Harry, and he starts to cry in earnest, because his pups are gone. But suddenly there are people understanding how he feels.
"Draco cries too" Narcissa suddenly says, moving closer to the frame. "He thinks it's all his fault, just like you think it's all your fault. When in truth such things don't have a reason, and are not really anybody's fault, they just happen" she says. Harry only nods, tries to calm down.
"Where is Draco then? He moved us to the north wing, but he never is there" Harry asks.
"He is hiding, in one of the secret rooms" Narcissa answers. Harry nods again, because that actually explains a lot.
"Mr Potter, help my son understand that just because his children died, doesn't mean he is less of a parent, or that his love wasn't enough" Lucius asks, not moving around in the portrait like his wife.
"But he doesn't want to talk about it" Harry says desperately, because he has tried, and tried, but Draco doesn't want to.
"Remember the full moon night, when you came to claim him? " Lucius replies swiftly. Harry looks with great eyes at Draco's parents. How do they know that? But after a moment, when Mr Malfoy just looks calmly back at him he nods. "Draco doesn't like to deal with pain, never has. My father pushed him very hard, and he learned from a very young age to just accept but not deal with the pain he suffers" the man explains and Harry dips his head in understanding again.
---
It was the first of many conversations he would share with Lucius and Narcissa. It also had taken him three days, to work up the resolution and the courage to face Draco again, and make him see how they both had been hurting. It had been a shaky time, but they pulled through, not without scars and not without great damage to their hearts. And now their relationship was maybe even stronger than before.
That was why this change made Harry nervous. He moved his free hand, stroked down, Draco's chest to his belly, before he whispered a "finite" and then two tiny heartbeats became audible in the silence of the night.
The heartbeats made him nervous, but at the same time, they filled him with joy, just like their sister's and brother's had. They would be more careful, at least the first few months- pups got to run and play when they want to after all. And before that, there would be conversations about names again, maybe he could manage to come up with some real good reasons for hyphenation their last names.
It was a new chance, and he would prove himself. He would not fail his family again. The north wing has grown on him, he wouldn't move again. Never to mention that this wing had beautiful children's bedrooms.
He would wait for Draco to be ready to tell him, and till then he would watch over his family during the night.