That I Would Be Good
Title: That I Would Be Good
Chapter: 1/1
Warning: None. Fictable prompt #8 - Happiness
Character: Quinn-centric. Includes pairings Quinn/Puck; hints at Finn/Quinn, Finn/Rachel, Jesse/Rachel, Puck/Rachel
Summary: After Sectionals. It's a little surprising and ironic or whatever, but glee club is the highlight of her life, and she doesn't even care who knows it. It's not like she can become more of an outcast than she already is, and she tells herself she doesn't care what anyone else thinks anyway.
Word Count: 10,147
Disclaimer: Don't own.
She's never cried so much in her life. Never.
She's the one who makes other people cry. It takes being the outcast, the one people whisper about, to realize how terrible she's been.
And that just makes her cry more.
She's been kicked out of two houses in a month and a half, and when she finds herself on Brittany's doorstep with her bags at her side, her friend pulls her into the house without question. That's the thing about Brittany, she's loyal to a fault and has a heart of gold. Quinn hasn't ever really appreciated that enough until now.
They lay together on Brittany's big bed, Quinn's hands clasped over her stomach and a rerun of The OC playing in the background.
"So, like, when you're pregnant, you can get away with wearing anything, right? I'd totally wear a bikini to school. It's not gross, because you're pregnant!" Brittany says excitedly.
Quinn feels the tears form in her eyes and smiles, laughing a little bit.
It's really, really sad that this is even a conversation.
... ... ...
When she walks into school the Monday after Sectionals, Brittany quickly leaves her side to go say hello to Santana, who's upset with Quinn sleeping with Puck when he was obviously in some kind of a relationship (if it can even be called that) with Santana. She supposes she can't blame her former friend for that.
Just add another name to the list of people she's hurt.
At the other end of the hallway, she sees Rachel and Finn talking, Rachel's head bent upward so she can see him, and a smile on Finn's face. They're standing a little closer than usual, and she thinks that maybe that should make her feel better, that Finn respected their relationship enough to keep his distance from the other girl.
But then she thinks again about how much she wanted him, how much she already misses him and how her lies broke him, broke his friendship and their relationship, and she feels the tears coming again.
When she turns around to leave the school, she's not sure where she'll go, but she just wants out. She runs into a hard body, and finds herself wrapped up in a pair of strong arms.
It's Matt. Sweet, kind Matt, who she's known for years and who doesn't judge anyone. He smiles when she looks up at him, tears slipping from her eyes, and asks her if she wants to blow off first period and go for breakfast. She manages to nod, and he throws his arm around her shoulder and they head to his car.
It's nice to have someone on her side.
Tuesday morning when she's by her locker, she's keeping her eye out for him, because they have the same class and it'd be nice not to have to walk alone.
He's walking with Rachel.
She will not cry.
... ... ...
"Will you just come stay at my place?" Puck asks for what feels like the tenth time. She's been staying at Brittany's for a week.
She knows it's temporary.
Staying with Puck feels far too permanent.
"I told you..."
"You want to do this alone. I know. But shit, Q. You gotta need something from me," he says.
She looks over at him and his eyes look far too earnest, like Finn's used to when they talked about the baby. It's like he'll do anything she asks, but he's scared of what that might be. It's like he's offering and he means it, but he doesn't want her to say anything, not really.
So she puts on her bitchiest face, slams her locker closed, and glares at him.
"You've done enough."
... ... ...
Finn finally stops ignoring her altogether. He even smiles at her in glee practice when she walks past him so she can sit down.
It's at least a little normalcy, and she'll take it.
Besides, smiles are hard to come by these days.
... ... ...
She watches things now, more than participates in them. It's a little surprising and ironic or whatever, but glee club is the highlight of her life, and she doesn't even care who knows it. It's not like she can become more of an outcast than she already is, and she tells herself she doesn't care what anyone else thinks anyway.
She watches Finn and Puck dance around one another (not literally, usually). She can tell they want their friendship back, but they don't know how and Finn wants to be mad and Puck doesn't know how to apologize. And Quinn is the one who tore them apart. She'd help them, but Finn isn't talking to her and Puck doesn't take advice. So she watches.
She watches Rachel's eyes get all bright and wide when Finn talks to her. Watches Finn smile and do that thing where he ducks his head and sticks his hands in his pockets when he's nervous. She watches as Finn and Rachel get into his car in the parking lot after glee club one day. She watches them hold hands for the first time, sitting side-by-side in the choir room as Mr. Schue talks about pentatonic scales.
Quinn decides that Rachel just makes it really easy to hate her.
She watches Brittany and Santana hold pinkies, and she smiles to herself because those to are seriously the most stable couple Quinn knows, and that is just so messed up.
Kurt walks into pre-calc one day wearing an honest to goodness peacock feather on his hat. Quinn laughs. He gives her a smile but she knows it's out of pity. (His 'fashion sense' isn't to be mocked, she knows, but she just can't help it sometimes.)
She laughs at Mike when he totally strikes out and gets turned down (harshly) by one of the Cheerios. She laughs because she invented that move, the brush off, and now other girls are using it. It makes her feel important for a half a second before walking over and asking Mike if he's okay.
She's still laughing, though. He rolls his eyes, then smiles and calls her a bitch and they walk to history together.
And Puck?
Puck watches her.
... ... ...
She notices it, the way his hand will linger on her waist in the hall if they're talking and someone has to walk past. It's not necessary for him to touch her. She hates that there's a part of her that likes that he does.
She's actually reading the book he stole for her, and he laughs when she tells him. He says he's been, "you know, reading shit, too." She thinks it's sweet. He really is trying.
It takes a week for her to decide that she can't stay at Brittany's anymore. Brittany and Santana need their privacy (seriously, Quinn can't handle being around them when they're together outside of school...) and Quinn needs to...needs to...
She thinks she just needs someone.
"Pick me up at Brittany's after school. And make sure the back of your truck is clean, because I don't want my stuff touching anything dirty. And tell your mom the smell of tuna makes me barf right now so we don't have any problems."
He smirks, salutes her, and she turns on her heel to head to english.
She wonders what she's just done.
... ... ...
She cries the first night.
It's stupid, really. She shouldn't care what anyone thinks of her. But this is different.
And now she's sitting on the bathroom floor, behind a locked door, crying into her hands.
She thinks it's about more than just the issue at hand.
There are a lot of issues at hand, actually.
"C'mon, Q. Open the door."
"No."
"Shit. Please?" he asks. She actually smiles. She thinks it's funny that this is what he thinks is polite.
"Puck, I'm fine. Just leave me alone," she says. She hiccups a little and he tries the door again.
"Quinn, open the goddamn door." He sounds angry, but also exhausted.
She realizes that this isn't going to get her anywhere. And she doesn't need him mad, too. So she unlocks the door before sinking back against the tub with her legs stretched out in front of her.
"You puking, or what?" he asks, arms crossed as he looks down at her.
"No," she says, laughing tearfully.
"Then what the fuck?"
"I'm just...it's...Your mother hates me!" she cries. He rolls his eyes and sits down across from her, his back against the cupboard. "She. hates. me."
"Nah," he assures her. "She's just pissed I knocked you up and you got a cross on your neck."
She glares at him. "You are not helping." He shrugs. "This was a bad idea. I should just go to a shelter or something." She's not serious at all. He can tell. She likes that. "This is so messed up."
"Pretty much," he says. She tips her head back against the edge of the tub and looks at the ceiling. "But uh...you know, you're welcome here or whatever. I mean, mom invited you. You might be a goy, but you're still, you know...carrying the kid."
She looks at him again, her eyes narrowed. "Are you capable of doing anything without sounding like a complete moron?" she asks. "I swear you're just..."
"Whatever, Q," he says, standing from his place. "Good talk."
She doesn't know why she's such a bitch. He was just trying to be nice.
But the night they ended up naked on her parents' leather couch, he was just trying to be nice then, too.
... ... ...
She's sitting in the choir room waiting for practice to begin, and Rachel has a pink-lidded Tupperware container with cookies in the shape of stars (yellow icing) inside it. She and Finn are the only other two people in the room with Quinn and Puck.
Awkward.
She really wants a cookie.
She is not going to ask for one.
"Finn! One only! These are for later," Rachel chastises, laughing as she swats his hand. He manages to sneak another one anyway, grinning as he takes a bite.
Quinn notices that she and Puck roll their eyes at the same time.
Then Rachel's looking over and Quinn puts on her best scowl. She sees Puck smirking from the corner of her eye.
"Quinn?" Rachel asks. "Would you like one?"
Quinn flashes her fakest smile. The one that's supposed to look fake. "I thought they were for later."
Rachel smiles, shrugs her shoulder. "They're yellow. I know that's your favourite colour. And they're made with whole wheat flower and free-range organic eggs. I know how particular you are about your diet."
Quinn is not going to cry. She is not.
"Fine," she says, like she's the one doing the favour. "I'll have one."
Rachel literally skips across the room and holds out the container.
Quinn swats Puck's hand away when he tries to reach for a cookie. She and Rachel both laugh.
This is one of those moments Quinn realizes that, you know, Rachel isn't always terrible.
... ... ...
It takes a week for she and Puck to fall into something that she doesn't even understand.
(Sober, this time, so that's a plus.)
She's doing chem homework, just the report part, because she can't be in class for the lab part (the chemicals are harmful to the baby, not that she minds sitting in the library instead of partnering with Kelly Darbish for these stupid experiments.) Puck is next to her, completely ignoring his homework. He probably doesn't even know what homework he should be doing, since he barely pays attention in class anyway.
She sees, out of the corner of her eye, the way his hands move over the guitar, his fingers moving almost on their own, it seems. Maybe it's the hormones, but she remembers the way those fingers played her, too.
"What is that?" she asks, looking away from her books, looking at him.
"What?"
"What you were just playing." She thinks her question was fairly obvious. She doesn't do well with having to repeat herself.
"Nothin'," he says, looking down at his guitar. "Just something I made up."
"It's nice," she says quietly. He gives her one of those smiles, the kind she rarely sees. They're usually pointed at her. She gets up from her chair and lays down next to him on her side, one hand on her stomach and the other tucked beneath her cheek. "Keep playing. It's good for the baby."
It's not a lie. Rachel's been trying to talk to her about how good it is for unborn babies to be exposed to music, how it helps with brain activity or something. Sometimes (always) Quinn stops listening.
She falls asleep at some point, and when she wakes up, Puck is sleeping next to her, his hand resting half on her hip, half on her stomach. His guitar is sitting on its stand and he's wearing sweats. She's still in her clothes. She cranes her neck to see the time, and it's after midnight. She tries to move closer to him, though not sure why.
Her stomach gets in the way.
"Hmm," he murmurs, hand moving slowly over her belly.
Quinn isn't sure why his mother didn't wake them. She supposes you can't get more pregnant. What's the worst that could happen?
"Puck," she whispers. He doesn't budge. She raises her hand but doesn't know what to do with it until she decides to rest it on his cheek. He looks different when he's sleeping. He looks like the sweet guy he is sometimes. "Puck, wake up."
"'S'wrong?"
"Nothing," she says, smiling though his eyes aren't really open. "We fell asleep."
"'S'good," he mumbles. She laughs a little and his eyes open. "Hey."
Her hand has moved to his shoulder. His is still on her stomach. Neither of them moves.
"Hi," she whispers. "I'm still wearing my dress."
"I like this dress," he says sleepily. "You wanna get out of it?" She kinks her brow. "It's not a proposition, Q. You want pajamas or something?"
Maybe it's the way his thumb is moving over her side, or the way his voice is all deep, or the way he's looking at her (she feels beautiful, though she knows he'll never say it). Whatever it is, she gets a surge of confidence accompanied by a series of very un-Christian thoughts.
"I want to get out of it," she says, looking at him through her eyelashes so he'll understand.
He smirks, but doesn't touch her any more than he is, or kiss her. She really wants him to. "You sure? 'Cause if..."
"I'm sure," she insists. She doesn't think she'll regret this later. She thinks maybe she wants him now. Maybe she's ready for this relationship he wants. "Maybe...maybe no sex, because I'm not really ready for that right now, and I'm fat and I don't even know how that would work, and..."
"I could make it work," he says cockily. She giggles. It feels good to giggle.
"I'm sure you could." Her thumb traces his bottom lip. "Just...be nice to me, okay?"
She feels silly for asking. It's just that not many people are nice to her, and he certainly hasn't been in the past, and she needs to know that this, whatever it is, wasn't just something he wanted because he couldn't have it.
"I will," he says.
The fact that he's not joking makes her feel like he actually means it.
And then he kisses her, not hungrily, not wet like the kisses that other time they kissed. It's gentle, sweet, even, and she knows that no one would believe them if she told them.
They don't have sex - he doesn't even push her, really - but they get her out of her dress, and she thinks she's going to cry or something when he kisses her stomach a few times and rests his hand there. When his fingertips creep closer to her underwear, she tenses and pulls away, but he just kisses her again, that way, the nice way.
"Let me," he pleads.
"Puck."
"Just let me," he says, eyes locked with hers. "It'll feel so good."
She thinks about it for a second and realizes that he's no good with words. Terrible, actually. He's good with this. This, him wanting to give her this and not asking for anything in return, is like his promise that he'll try for her, that he'll be nice.
She smiles afterward, when she's laying with her back to his chest and he says something about her stomach being a pain in the ass.
"I know," she says, laughing softly.
But then their hands lock over her belly and he kisses her shoulder.
Maybe it's not so bad.
... ... ...
She's in the bathroom one day when she hears crying. She sees Rachel's fugly suede loafers beneath the door as she's washing her hands, and for the next thirty seconds, she fights with herself. To help, or not to help?
She's halfway to the door when she hears a sniffle, and she closes her eyes, sighs and walks over to the stall. She doesn't knock.
"Rachel." She doesn't get an answer. "Rachel...what's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm fine."
"You're crying."
"It's nothing. Thank you for asking," Rachel says. Her voice is all wobbly and Quinn rolls her eyes.
"Will you just come out? It's just me."
"Exactly. We aren't...you don't like me."
"No, but I can't stand listening to you bawling, either. Just come out," Quinn orders. This is not up for negotiation. The lock slides open and then Rachel steps out, a tissue bunched in her fist and her eyes red. "Let me guess. Finn."
"I...I don't feel comfortable talking about Finn with you," Rachel says seriously. "It would be horribly inappropriate, and not to mention awkward, given that..."
"I'm not listening to you at all," Quinn says flippantly. "Are you okay? Your makeup is fine, not that you wear much of it."
"Waterproof mascara."
Quinn almost smiles, but she keeps it in check. "Put cold water on your cheeks so you don't look like more of a freak. It takes the redness out."
She walks away, letting the door slam behind her, because she wasn't just being nice. That's not what that was.
... ... ...
She sees Finn at his locker between classes, and she walks away from Puck, marching over to her ex-boyfriend while everyone in the hall holds their breath.
"Your girlfriend was crying in the bathroom before homeroom. Try to figure out what you did wrong so you can fix it. Her existence is unfortunate enough already."
She's walking away when she hears him say, "Rachel's not my girlfriend. Wait. Is Rachel my girlfriend?"
... ... ...
By glee, Finn and Rachel are holding hands again.
... ... ...
Puck has Saturday basketball practice, and Hannah is at a friend's house. Quinn finishes her homework and gets the nerve to go downstairs where his mom is.
She's watching Gilmore Girls reruns on some cable channel. Quinn smiles. It's one of her favourite shows.
"This is a good one," she says quietly, pulling her hands into the sleeves of her sweater.
Ms. Puckerman actually smiles. Quinn thinks it's a miracle. "I do like this Logan," she says.
Quinn smiles. "Me too."
There are no quips about how Logan is the furthest thing from Puck. No comments on how Logan is the kind of boy Quinn's parents wanted for her. Ms. Puckerman does nothing but turn up the volume a little bit and reach for the blanket off the back of the sofa.
"Come sit, Quinn."
She does. She pulls the blanket over herself (she's always cold in this house, but she's too shy or polite to say anything about it) and the two of them sit there and watch television, talking a little bit, until Puck comes home.
They're in the middle of an episode and he suggests he and Quinn go over to Mike's, where a few people are hanging out.
She tells him to wait until the show's over.
... ... ...
"I'm not breaking up with you, but please stop supersizing. I don't dig on fat chicks."
"I'm pregnant," she says, looking at him like he's a complete idiot.
"And that's my fault?"
She'd laugh if she wasn't so angry.
She shakes her head and walks away from him, but then sees one of the freshman Cheerios eyeing him, so she grabs the arm of his jacket and pulls him along, dropping him in the hallway with Mike and Matt without a word before she keeps walking.
She's sitting in history when Kurt passes her a note.
You look fabulous today. Love the hair.
She smiles over at him. She's always liked Kurt. He's almost as much of a bitch as she is. But she can tell when he's being sincere, and she likes that he's one of the only ones brave enough to compliment her anymore.
... ... ...
She hangs out with Brittany after school because she's still mad at Puck for being a moron.
When she calls him to pick her up (hey, she still needs him, as much as she doesn't want to admit it) there's a McDonald's bag sitting on the passenger seat and a huge cup in the cupholder. He's eating an apple pie.
This is how he apologizes
"Eat up, Chubs," he says before she can thank him.
He asks for a fry and she says no.
... ... ...
Rachel starts singing this angry song, which is kind of hilarious, since she's dressed like freaking Strawberry Shortcake or whatever, but Quinn smiles and sings along anyway, dances with her boyfriend (which she's just started calling him) and laughs with the group.
And she thinks she might be enjoying Finn's scowl as much as Rachel.
She's still a little bit mad at him, too.
(Maybe she has no right, but it's there in the back of her mind; Why wasn't love enough?)
... ... ...
She's laughing so hard she thinks she might cry.
She's sitting on Puck's bed, leaning back on her hands, wearing one of his sweaters, with a blanket draped over her legs. They spend a lot of time in his room, just doing school work (which she can sometimes convince him to do) or watching movies or Googling stupid things. (That last one is more him than her.)
Right now, he's playing guitar, a simple chord progression, and making up the most ridiculous song lyrics she's ever heard.
For the baby.
"Ba-by, you'll have eyes of green. And if you're like your mom, you'll be real mean," he sings, and Quinn kicks his leg as he smiles and she laughs.
He keeps making things up, words that don't even rhyme and don't make any sense at all, and she feels a really weird thing happening in her stomach. She sits up and her hands move to the spot where this sensation is happening, and she really does start crying.
His guitar is out of his hands and he's leaning towards her. "What? What is it?"
"She's...she's kicking," she says. His eyebrows fly up. She grabs his hand and presses it against her belly. "You feel it?"
"Shut up," he says, his brow knit in concentration. She watches his face until the baby kicks again. "Holy fucking shit."
She smacks him on the side of the head. "Don't swear in front of her."
"She's swimming around in there. She doesn't know," he says. His hand is still on her stomach. "She's really going to town, huh?"
Quinn laughs and nods. This is the weirdest thing she's ever felt. "Puck?"
"Yeah?" He's not even looking at her, just at her stomach.
"I'm really glad you're here for this," she admits.
He leans over and kisses her quickly, smiles and winks before reaching for his guitar. "Whatever. Where was I? You got a good rhyme for Puck-style?"
She blinks at him, lays down on her side and pulls the blanket over her. "You're an idiot."
He starts playing again, and Quinn tucks her hand into the front pocket of this sweater that smells like him, feeling the gentle taptaptap against her hand as Puck sings crass things about this baby's conception.
... ... ...
Mike Chang (she always feels the need to say his full name for some reason; it just sounds good) is literally dancing circles around her in the choir room as they have one of these silly impromptu jam sessions that she secretly almost loves.
She loses her balance on her way to sit down next to Puck, and she falls back off the riser, directly onto her butt.
Sort of.
Mike Chang literally dives onto the floor, sliding on his back, to break her fall.
Puck is at her side instantly, helping her up and making sure she's alright. She's just embarrassed, really. This damn baby is messing with her equilibrium. She's got impeccable balance. That's why she was always at the top of the pyramid. Now she can't even take a step without falling over.
Mike Chang looks like he's in a considerable amount of pain. This isn't good.
"Mike," she whispers, pulling her arm from Puck's. "I'd bend down, but...I can't." He laughs a little, tries not to wince. "I'm so sorry."
"Fuck, dude. That's pretty brave. You break any ribs?" Puck asks. He reaches out his hand to help Mike up off the floor. Quinn glares at him. "What?"
Rachel is at her side (of course). "Do you need anything? Water? Should we contact your doctor? Just in case? Sit down."
"I'm fine. Really." Everyone's staring at her and she's just realizing it. "Stop staring! I'm fine!" She laughs a little bit. No one looks convinced. "Mike Chang is softer than he looks."
"Hey!"
She laughs a little bit and they carry on with their practice, but everyone keeps looking at her like she might pop a kid out any second.
That night while Puck is at Artie's playing video games (a secret between the three of them) Quinn decides she's going to do something for Mike Chang. Something nice.
She doesn't have any money, and she doesn't know what he'd want anyway, but then she hears Puck's mom in the kitchen and she wonders if maybe she could recruit some help.
The two of them spend the evening making peanut butter oatmeal cookies, because when Quinn texted Matt he told her those are Mike's favourite. She slaps Puck's hand away from the tray when he tries to reach for one.
"They're for Mike Chang!" she cries. Puck's mom laughs as she washes the dishes. Quinn has been drying. She hits Puck with the towel as he tries again to steal a cookie. "Don't. Touch."
She brings a cookie to bed that night, and he glares at her as she eats it next to him.
Just before she turns out the light, she gives him the last bite and he licks her fingers in an entirely-too-sexual way as he takes it from her.
... ... ...
She's nice to Mercedes because she wants to be, because she knows how it feels to be that girl, the one worried about her weight and her looks and pleasing everyone else. Sometimes she still is, but for the most part, it's just not an option anymore, for her to be so selfish and stupid that she doesn't eat.
She thinks she might cry when Mercedes does. She hates that any of them ever have to feel this way.
The two of them sit in the nurse's office and talk a little bit, and when Mrs. Jones comes to pick up her daughter, she thanks Quinn for being such a good friend. Mercedes looks at her as if to ask if they're really friends.
Quinn smiles in return, runs her hand over her stomach and starts to wonder if maybe she wouldn't be so terrible at this whole motherhood thing after all.
... ... ...
The pep rally makes Quinn's throat tighten with pride for the girl who, two days ago, was so worried about her looks. Quinn wishes she could have figured it out so fast.
She's swaying in the middle of the gym with her friends, new and old, all around her, and when the tear slips down her cheek, she doesn't bother to wipe it away.
She sees Puck get up, he smiles at her as he does, and stand behind their friend, showing his support.
She thinks, for the first time really, that maybe someday he wouldn't be such a bad dad. Someday.
... ... ...
She's laying on her side, because that's the only way she can lay down without her back killing her, and Puck walks into the bedroom and tosses his backpack on the floor. He had basketball practice after school, and she got a ride home from Brittany. He lays down and rests his hands on his stomach, closes his eyes.
"'M fuckin' tired," he mumbles. "I swear, Tanaka works us extra hard 'cause he thinks it'll make him loose weight or something."
She laughs softly and focuses on the tapping against her palm on her stomach. "Puck, what are we going to do?" she asks quietly.
They haven't really talked about it, not like they should be.
It's always, 'Whatever you want, Q.' She knows that's not really how he feels. She knows he thinks they can raise this baby, take care of her and be a family.
She's still too young for this.
"I dunno," he admits, opening his eyes to look at her. She doesn't know when she started crying. "What are you thinking?"
"I don't know," she admits, wiping her cheek with the back of her finger. "I hate this."
"Same."
She blows out a breath and closes her eyes. "I don't think we can...How could we take care of her?"
He pushes himself up onto his elbows and narrows his eyes at her. "Kids in high school raise kids all the time, Q. We could do it."
"We could, but it wouldn't be right," she says, looking down to her stomach. "God, Puck, we're kids. I don't want her to have to grow up with nothing."
"So you wanna give her away?" he asks angrily. "Fuck that. No way."
"Rachel's adopted."
"Rachel's a science experiment," he remarks bitterly.
Quinn doesn't know when she started defending Rachel Berry (right now, apparently). "You're...such a jerk. That's a terrible thing to say."
He rolls his eyes. She thinks he understands that his comment was way off base.
"She's our baby, Quinn. And yeah, we're two stupid kids who fucked up, but...we're her parents. No one...no one could love her like we will."
She thinks he might have a point.
She knows that's a selfish way to look at it. Someone else will love her, some other couple who just can't have children and want one terribly. They'll love her and she'll be their little miracle and they'll have jobs and money and a house and maybe another kid or a dog or a backyard. She wants her little girl to have all those things. She'd love to be able to provide them, but she can't. They can't. They're just too young and too messed up and there's no way she can put her child through that.
"But we can't provide for her like someone else will," she says. There are stupid tears coming down her cheeks and he's just looking at her, and she thinks they're both trying to figure out which is more important; love or money. "Puck, we have to think about it."
"Think about what?" he asks bitterly, standing from the bed. "You wanna give her to some strangers to raise."
"Puck..."
"Whatever," he mumbles. He grabs his keys and heads for the door.
"Where are you going?" she asks. Her stomach is lurching. She doesn't think they'll ever make a decision if he just walks out every time things get heavy.
"Out."
The door slams behind him and her heart breaks.
Not so much for her, though.
She cries and ends up calling Brittany, who comes over and listens to Quinn bitch and complain, even though Quinn's pretty sure Brittany still doesn't really understand the entire situation. But if you need Brittany, she's there, no questions asked. She's loyal and sweet and she'll just hold your hand until you're ready to stop talking, then she usually says something so ridiculously stupid (seriously, sometimes Quinn doesn't know if it's all an act or not) that you start laughing.
When Puck comes home, his hands are tucked into his pockets and he looks like he's got things to say, so Brittany kisses Quinn's cheek, says she'll see them at school, and bounces out of the room.
"So, uh...let's talk," he says. Quinn almost laughs. It's really funny to watch Puck grow as a person, because he's trying, but he still doesn't have all the pieces put together yet.
"Where did you go?"
He runs a hand over the back of his head. "Rachel's."
He launches into a big speech about adoption, and how it's sometimes the best choice for kids, how they get to grow up being taken care of and loved. He says he likes the idea of some 'suit wearing jackass' being forever indebted to Puck for giving him a kid and making him happy. He says he's still not in love with the idea, but that he understands why Quinn is, and that it's not just his choice, and maybe it's not such a bad idea after all.
At the end of it, Quinn's crying, saying thank you, and wonders how Rachel can get through to him when she, herself, can't.
They don't kiss goodnight like they usually do. He doesn't even try to slip his hand into her panties after turning off the light. She has no idea what that means, but her heart isn't breaking either way.
... ... ...
A few days later, she watches and tries not to giggle as Rachel and Artie take over Puck's life and start making this video. Puck kicks her out and she laughs all the way to the driveway, where she goes grocery shopping with his mom and sister, just to get out of the house.
It doesn't annoy her that he's hanging out with Rachel. Part of her wonders what Jesse (or Finn, for that matter) thinks about it, but she doesn't really care, because it's still Rachel, and she tends to try to convince herself that she and Rachel are from two different worlds.
But then later, she's reading one of the books she has on childbirth and trying not to get too freaked out that she actually has to do this in a couple months. Puck gets a text, and she sees the little smile on his face before he sets his phone on the bedside table and goes back to his video game.
"Who was it?" she asks, just out of curiosity.
"None of your business," he mumbles, looking at her from the corner of his eye. She hits him on the thigh with her book. "Rachel."
"You're texting now?" she laughs.
"She texted me. About the project."
"You smiled."
"So? I'm not allowed to smile?" he asks, pausing his game.
She sighs and looks at him, and she just knows this isn't working. It's not. They aren't compatible. He's too much for her and she's not enough for him. She knows he needs someone who can keep him in line (to a degree), and she just doesn't have the energy to do it. She doesn't think she wants to, either. She's happy they've at least tried, because they owed it to themselves, really, and she has always wondered. And he hasn't been a terrible boyfriend. He hasn't screwed around on her, and she knows that's probably been very difficult for him. But that's not enough to make a relationship last or work in any real way.
"We're breaking up," she states.
He actually laughs. "Cool."
"Puck!" she laughs. "You're supposed to be mad!"
He shrugs one shoulder. "I was thinking of dumping you anyway. I mean, we share a bed and you won't even let me sex you."
"You're so disgusting," she says, shaking her head.
He looks over at her, and he's serious now. "Wasn't working anyway, right?" She just gives him a sympathetic smile. "No worries."
She finds herself smiling and trying not to tease him about his obvious feelings for Rachel.
... ... ...
She's literally stunned when he starts pursuing Mercedes.
Really? Mercedes?
So she warns the girl, because Puck is on the rebound...or prowl...or whatever, and he doesn't have the best of intentions. Not that he ever really does, but still.
This whole 'being nice to people' thing really isn't so bad at all.
... ... ...
Finn bumps into her in the hall one day. He isn't looking where he's going, and he backs right into her. She puts her hands in front of her to brace herself from falling face (stomach) first into the lockers, and then his huge hands are on her shoulders and he's turning her around.
"Oh my god. Are you okay? I'm so sorry," he says. He doesn't really talk to her much at all, and certainly not with any kind of emotion or concern. All she can do is nod. "Are you sure? I didn't...the baby..."
"She's fine. It's fine," she insists. He still looks skeptical. "Finn, really."
"Okay," he says, sighing in relief. "Um...how have you been? I heard you and...you broke up."
She shrugs her shoulder. "I'm okay."
"Okay," he says quietly. "I'll talk to you later."
He walks away, finds Rachel in the hall and Quinn pretends not to see that both her exes are looking at that other girl like they used to look at her.
... ... ...
If you were to ask her how she ended up at Camel's auditorium with Rachel Berry on a secret recon mission, she'd tell you she has no idea how it happened.
The truth is, she can't pass up the opportunity for a little sabotage; call it a strange lingering need to need Coach Sylvester's approval. That woman would love something like this if it wasn't glee-related.
So they tiptoe into the balcony and watch as that crazy choir director counts out and barks orders and claps and talks about theatricality.
And yeah, she can admit that she's really impressed (like, she has goosebumps) when this woman starts to sing a song from this movie Rachel's always talking about that Quinn got curious and actually watched once, back before she blew up and everything went to shit.
She's scared and mad and maybe just a little worried when Rachel gets up and starts walking towards the stage, and part of the reason she tells Rachel to sit down is because she wants to know what's going on.
Hearing Rachel say those words, ("I'm your daughter.") is nearly enough to break Quinn's heart, because there's some of her own future in the scene unfolding before her, and it hardly seems fair that she has to see this before she lives it.
... ... ...
She and Puck haven't really been talking much. They're still sleeping in the same bed, because he refuses to sleep on the couch and she can't, and really, it's not a big deal. They just turn out the light, turn their backs to one another, and she's never felt him so much as lay a finger on her or accidentally bump into her in his sleep. She doesn't really care. His bed is comfortable on her aching back.
But they're both caught up in their own stuff (her, school and homework; him, guitar and video games) and they just don't really talk about much of anything at all. Certainly not anything important.
So when he starts talking about baby names (horrible, this-child-will-be-an-alcoholic, baby names) she gets upset. It feels like that whole Drizzle debacle all over again. Are boys always this stupid? She wonders if men who are married and ready to have babies actually suggest this stuff. Honestly, she doesn't know what is wrong with him. She's not naming the baby. She's giving it up and the people who adopt her can name her.
But then he makes this speech and sings this pretty song and looks at her, and she's crying and he tells her, as honestly as she's ever heard him say anything, that he wants to meet their baby, and all Quinn can do is nod.
Really, this is all she's wanted from him all along, they were both just too preoccupied or stupid or stubborn to see it.
They lay down that night and the light is out, and she whimpers a little bit when a pain runs through her back (she still can't get used to that).
"Hey," he says through the darkness, though their backs are still to one another. "Thanks."
"Yeah," she whispers, tears in her eyes again. "You too."
She doesn't stop him when he rolls over and puts his hand on her stomach. It's not romantic in any way, and he's not trying to make some kind of move. It's like a fatherly gesture, one of the few he'll actually get to make with this baby, so she lets him have it, cries quiet tears onto her pillow and wishes for all of this to just finally be over.
... ... ...
So maybe this pregnancy is making her soft, or maybe it's glee club, or maybe she just realizes that really, she and Rachel really aren't all that different, but when she walks into the choir room and sees Rachel in her pretty little red dress with tears on her cheeks and a bunch of papers and stuff on her lap, Quinn can't help but walk over and sit down next to her.
There's a glass with a gold star printed on the side. Quinn notices the way Rachel is tracing the star with her finger.
"Shelby gave me this," Rachel says quietly. "I like it."
Quinn knows Rachel is just saying that so it won't get made fun of. Quinn had no intentions of doing anything of the sort. But she can see why Rachel might be a little defensive.
"Are you okay?" Quinn asks after a few moments.
Rachel just nods, wipes her cheeks and fixes her hair. "We sang together. Gaga. It was fabulous."
Quinn laughs a little bit. "She can really sing," she says. She turns a little, more towards Rachel. "Now we know where you get it from."
"Is that a compliment?" Rachel asks warily. Quinn smiles and shrugs one shoulder. "You know, I thought that if I found her, this...this hole in my heart would just magically be filled and I wouldn't feel so...so out of touch. I thought I might feel like I...like I just knew who I was and everything would just be fine." She sniffles, looks at Quinn. "But it's not that easy. I don't feel any different."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I need to tell someone," Rachel admits. "And because...this information might serve you well. You know, in the future."
Neither of them says anything, and Quinn toys with the hem of her sweater as they sit there. "Do you still want to win Regionals?" she asks eventually.
"Quinn, have you met me? I want to win even more now. She may have given me some talent, but I'm the one who's going to take it to its fullest potential."
Quinn laughs again and stands. "Come on. We should get into costume."
Their serious conversation is over, and when they're changing in the girls' room with everyone else, Quinn almost poke's Rachel's eye out with her starburst contraption, but there are no hard feelings, no harsh words and no accusations. Rachel just puts her sunglasses on, claims they're protective, and Quinn tries not to laugh, because they're really not supposed to be friends.
But then, if she really thinks about it, Quinn's whole year has been comprised of things she wasn't supposed to do, and it's not the end of the world.
... ... ...
It's a little sad that she's not surprised at all when Rachel comes into the bathroom covered in runny, disgusting egg. There are pieces of shell in her hair and on her clothes, and she's a total mess.
It's the tears on her cheeks that freak Quinn out. Rachel's usually too proud to cry when these things happen to her.
Rachel doesn't say anything, though she definitely knows Quinn is there. She just takes off her little sweater and drops it on the ground, then turns on the water. Quinn watches, waiting for Rachel to start talking, to explain what happened.
She doesn't.
Quinn grabs some paper towels, wets them under the tap. "Here." Rachel takes them without saying a word and starts cleaning her face. "Who did this?"
"It doesn't matter," Rachel snaps. She does something very un-Rachel-like (it freaks Quinn out) and spits into the sink, getting the egg off her lips and scrubbing them with the paper towel. "It doesn't matter."
"Rachel."
"Quinn, don't!" Rachel shouts, turning towards Quinn.
There are a couple things Quinn doesn't do. She doesn't follow orders (she gives them) and she doesn't take kindly to being yelled at.
"Was it...Was it Puck?" she asks, because yeah, this seems like something he might do. Maybe not now, but still.
Rachel actually laughs. "No," she says quietly, shaking her head. "Wrong ex-boyfriend."
Quinn knows Finn would never do this, especially not to a girl, and especially not to Rachel.
"Are you serious? Jesse?" Rachel doesn't say anything, but a couple more tears fall down her cheeks. "Look, I still have shampoo in the locker room if you want to shower."
"I don't have clean clothes," Rachel says pitifully. Quinn rolls her eyes.
"I have some of those, too." Rachel looks at Quinn, and her eyes dart to her stomach. Quinn actually laughs. "Pre-preggo."
They stand there for a few moments, Rachel playing with the paper towel in her hand and Quinn with her hands on her stomach. She doesn't know why she wants to help so badly. She doesn't know why she suddenly wants to personally make Jesse's life a living hell.
"Thank you," Rachel says quietly.
"Locker 326. Combination is 15-43-26."
She walks away and leaves Rachel there alone, because she can be nice and help out, but she's not going to be seen walking around with Rachel if she doesn't have to.
(And it only annoys her a little bit that Rachel actually looks nice in the dress Quinn has had in the locker room since September.)
... ... ...
"This is bullshit!"
Quinn looks at Puck and tries not to laugh. Could he be more obvious?
The boys are all standing in the door and she kind of tunes Mr. Schue out.
She wonders if either Finn or Puck ever would have thrown a punch for her.
... ... ...
She's a little worried when she can't get him on the phone. God, she hopes he's not doing anything stupid.
She doesn't know what compels her to dial Finn's number.
"Quinn?"
"Yeah. I know. I'm just...I know you and Puck were planning something. I saw your faces. Tell me you didn't do anything stupid," she says firmly, laying on her side on her bed.
"Um. No. No," he says.
She knows him well enough to know when he's lying.
"Finn."
"Huh?"
"What did you do?" she asks. She's smiling. She doesn't know why. Maybe because it's all her fault the two boys weren't speaking in the first place, and she's happy they're able to get along, even if it's only to do something illegal.
(She knows Puck well enough to know that whatever they're doing out there in the dark is probably not exactly legal.)
"Nothing!" he says quickly. She hears Puck's voice in the background and Finn mumbling something. "Look, I gotta go."
"Tell Puck not to do anything stupid!" she says quickly. "You don't do anything stupid either."
She doesn't know why she cares.
Maybe she'll always care a little too much for both of them, since one was her first love and the other is the father of her child.
... ... ...
She'd yell at them both for getting caught, but Rachel's taking care of it for her. She just stands back with her arms crossed and her best 'I Told You So' face on as Rachel tears a strip off each of them.
After, when Rachel hugs them both, Quinn rolls her eyes and shakes her head and tells them she hopes they look good in brown aprons.
... ... ...
She probably shouldn't move out of Puck's house. It's just that as much as she and his mom get along, she's pretty sure they just tolerate one another. Ms. Puckerman clearly doesn't like the idea of Quinn being pregnant (Quinn can't really blame her, but what's done is done). Quinn tries to help out and be sweet and stay out of the way, but this family drives her insane half the time. She finds herself crying when Ms. Puckerman makes another comment about the baby's religious background, and the only saving grace is that she's in the living room and the woman is in the kitchen, so Quinn can sneak away upstairs and cry without anyone knowing.
But when Mercedes tells her (doesn't ask) she's moving in, Quinn feels more relieved than she's felt in months. She can't even remember feeling this way.
The first night at the Jones' house, after she and Mercedes have hung all her things in the closet, filled the drawers and moved her all in, they're doing homework on the bed in 'Quinn's room' (it feels amazing to have her own room again). Mrs. Jones comes in, smiling, and announces that it's time for dinner.
Quinn laughs as the tears well in her eyes when she sees what's on the table. Pancakes, hashbrowns, toast, eggs, and a huge plate of bacon.
She hugs Mercedes, then Mrs. Jones, and says thank you over and over again.
She calls Puck that night from her room and assures him that she's fine, and he laughs when she tells him about their breakfast for dinner. She thinks maybe they'll stay friends after this whole thing is over.
... ... ...
They gather at Mr. Schue's apartment, and she doesn't let on that she's ever been here before, but she knows everyone's thinking about the whole mess with the baby and that stupid deal Quinn made with the devil. Well, Mrs. Schuester, but whatever.
She's standing in the kitchen, thinking about everything, this whole year and everything that has happened. She doesn't know what she would have done without glee club and the people in it. She doesn't even really pretend to hate them anymore.
She remembers what she came in here for, other than a few minutes alone, and when she turns around, Mr. Schue is standing there, and she thinks he's been watching her.
It scares her how much she likes that he cares about her.
It's not the first time. It's not even the second time.
She thinks it'd be really nice if Mr. Schue was just a little younger and maybe not her teacher.
... ... ...
She tries really hard to focus on what her mother is saying. Really. And she doesn't know if she's happy or terrified that the woman is standing there in front of her talking about wanting Quinn home.
She's a little distracted by the fact that her water has just broken, and oh my god, she's having a baby.
... ... ...
She hates Puck. She hates him. He has the nerve to stand there looking like that?
She'll never talk to him again for doing this to her.
But then she's holding her baby girl, and these big blue eyes are staring back at her, and nothing in the world seems to matter as much as this, right now.
... ... ...
"Did you love me?"
She asks because she needs to know. She doesn't know if she wants him to say yes. She's emotional and tired and she's staring at the baby they made, and she thinks if there's ever a moment she can ask him, it's this one. Somehow she thinks it'll make everything just a little easier, just a little less messed up, if he did, at some point, think of her as something more than just another girl he could sleep with.
"Yes," he says quietly, still staring at their daughter. "Especially now."
She doesn't really know what he means, but then they look at one another and he laughs a little bit, and she'd hug him if her entire body didn't hurt so damn much. She knows he's not in love with her (it surprises her, how relieved she is), but he loves her for this baby, this little girl who'll never know either of them.
... ... ...
Rachel hosts a party to celebrate the fact that they've got another year of glee, and everyone's a little worried she's going to hand out songbooks and pick apart their performances or something, but when they show up, there's music playing and snacks set out and lots of non-alcoholic beverages sitting in a cooler on her back deck.
Quinn talks with Santana and Brittany and watches as Finn and Rachel sit together, holding hands and talking with Tina and Artie. Puck walks over and says something to Rachel, and she gets up, laughing, and leads him into the house. Quinn's heart falls just a little bit when she realizes she's been Rachel before.
When Rachel comes back outside, Quinn finds Puck standing alone in the kitchen, holding a bottle of this fancy root beer Rachel bought.
"Don't do it," she says, and he looks at her like she's crazy. "Whatever you do, don't..."
"Learned that lesson, Q," he says, smiling as he shakes his head. "Since when do you care about Rachel?"
She scowls at him and raises her finger so she's pointing in his direction. "Tell anyone and I'll kill you."
He laughs, slings his arm around her shoulder, and they go back outside. Rachel suggests a Bocce ball tournament, and as lame as Quinn thinks that is, she realizes it sounds kind of fun, too.
She doesn't play (seriously, having a baby? not something your body just bounces back from; her muscles are still sore), but she watches as Finn and Puck laugh together, Rachel barking the rules they're clearly ignoring, with Tina laughing beside her. Matt, Mike and Artie are talking about going to a baseball came in Cincinnati sometime in June. Brittany and Santana are talking with Mercedes and Kurt about how insane Miss Sylvester is.
Quinn sits down on the steps that lead to the grass and tries to find the moment these people became so important to her. Kurt comes to sit next to her and suggests they go shopping for her post-baby wardrobe, and she decides that maybe it doesn't really matter when.
Chapter: 1/1
Warning: None. Fictable prompt #8 - Happiness
Character: Quinn-centric. Includes pairings Quinn/Puck; hints at Finn/Quinn, Finn/Rachel, Jesse/Rachel, Puck/Rachel
Summary: After Sectionals. It's a little surprising and ironic or whatever, but glee club is the highlight of her life, and she doesn't even care who knows it. It's not like she can become more of an outcast than she already is, and she tells herself she doesn't care what anyone else thinks anyway.
Word Count: 10,147
Disclaimer: Don't own.
She's never cried so much in her life. Never.
She's the one who makes other people cry. It takes being the outcast, the one people whisper about, to realize how terrible she's been.
And that just makes her cry more.
She's been kicked out of two houses in a month and a half, and when she finds herself on Brittany's doorstep with her bags at her side, her friend pulls her into the house without question. That's the thing about Brittany, she's loyal to a fault and has a heart of gold. Quinn hasn't ever really appreciated that enough until now.
They lay together on Brittany's big bed, Quinn's hands clasped over her stomach and a rerun of The OC playing in the background.
"So, like, when you're pregnant, you can get away with wearing anything, right? I'd totally wear a bikini to school. It's not gross, because you're pregnant!" Brittany says excitedly.
Quinn feels the tears form in her eyes and smiles, laughing a little bit.
It's really, really sad that this is even a conversation.
... ... ...
When she walks into school the Monday after Sectionals, Brittany quickly leaves her side to go say hello to Santana, who's upset with Quinn sleeping with Puck when he was obviously in some kind of a relationship (if it can even be called that) with Santana. She supposes she can't blame her former friend for that.
Just add another name to the list of people she's hurt.
At the other end of the hallway, she sees Rachel and Finn talking, Rachel's head bent upward so she can see him, and a smile on Finn's face. They're standing a little closer than usual, and she thinks that maybe that should make her feel better, that Finn respected their relationship enough to keep his distance from the other girl.
But then she thinks again about how much she wanted him, how much she already misses him and how her lies broke him, broke his friendship and their relationship, and she feels the tears coming again.
When she turns around to leave the school, she's not sure where she'll go, but she just wants out. She runs into a hard body, and finds herself wrapped up in a pair of strong arms.
It's Matt. Sweet, kind Matt, who she's known for years and who doesn't judge anyone. He smiles when she looks up at him, tears slipping from her eyes, and asks her if she wants to blow off first period and go for breakfast. She manages to nod, and he throws his arm around her shoulder and they head to his car.
It's nice to have someone on her side.
Tuesday morning when she's by her locker, she's keeping her eye out for him, because they have the same class and it'd be nice not to have to walk alone.
He's walking with Rachel.
She will not cry.
... ... ...
"Will you just come stay at my place?" Puck asks for what feels like the tenth time. She's been staying at Brittany's for a week.
She knows it's temporary.
Staying with Puck feels far too permanent.
"I told you..."
"You want to do this alone. I know. But shit, Q. You gotta need something from me," he says.
She looks over at him and his eyes look far too earnest, like Finn's used to when they talked about the baby. It's like he'll do anything she asks, but he's scared of what that might be. It's like he's offering and he means it, but he doesn't want her to say anything, not really.
So she puts on her bitchiest face, slams her locker closed, and glares at him.
"You've done enough."
... ... ...
Finn finally stops ignoring her altogether. He even smiles at her in glee practice when she walks past him so she can sit down.
It's at least a little normalcy, and she'll take it.
Besides, smiles are hard to come by these days.
... ... ...
She watches things now, more than participates in them. It's a little surprising and ironic or whatever, but glee club is the highlight of her life, and she doesn't even care who knows it. It's not like she can become more of an outcast than she already is, and she tells herself she doesn't care what anyone else thinks anyway.
She watches Finn and Puck dance around one another (not literally, usually). She can tell they want their friendship back, but they don't know how and Finn wants to be mad and Puck doesn't know how to apologize. And Quinn is the one who tore them apart. She'd help them, but Finn isn't talking to her and Puck doesn't take advice. So she watches.
She watches Rachel's eyes get all bright and wide when Finn talks to her. Watches Finn smile and do that thing where he ducks his head and sticks his hands in his pockets when he's nervous. She watches as Finn and Rachel get into his car in the parking lot after glee club one day. She watches them hold hands for the first time, sitting side-by-side in the choir room as Mr. Schue talks about pentatonic scales.
Quinn decides that Rachel just makes it really easy to hate her.
She watches Brittany and Santana hold pinkies, and she smiles to herself because those to are seriously the most stable couple Quinn knows, and that is just so messed up.
Kurt walks into pre-calc one day wearing an honest to goodness peacock feather on his hat. Quinn laughs. He gives her a smile but she knows it's out of pity. (His 'fashion sense' isn't to be mocked, she knows, but she just can't help it sometimes.)
She laughs at Mike when he totally strikes out and gets turned down (harshly) by one of the Cheerios. She laughs because she invented that move, the brush off, and now other girls are using it. It makes her feel important for a half a second before walking over and asking Mike if he's okay.
She's still laughing, though. He rolls his eyes, then smiles and calls her a bitch and they walk to history together.
And Puck?
Puck watches her.
... ... ...
She notices it, the way his hand will linger on her waist in the hall if they're talking and someone has to walk past. It's not necessary for him to touch her. She hates that there's a part of her that likes that he does.
She's actually reading the book he stole for her, and he laughs when she tells him. He says he's been, "you know, reading shit, too." She thinks it's sweet. He really is trying.
It takes a week for her to decide that she can't stay at Brittany's anymore. Brittany and Santana need their privacy (seriously, Quinn can't handle being around them when they're together outside of school...) and Quinn needs to...needs to...
She thinks she just needs someone.
"Pick me up at Brittany's after school. And make sure the back of your truck is clean, because I don't want my stuff touching anything dirty. And tell your mom the smell of tuna makes me barf right now so we don't have any problems."
He smirks, salutes her, and she turns on her heel to head to english.
She wonders what she's just done.
... ... ...
She cries the first night.
It's stupid, really. She shouldn't care what anyone thinks of her. But this is different.
And now she's sitting on the bathroom floor, behind a locked door, crying into her hands.
She thinks it's about more than just the issue at hand.
There are a lot of issues at hand, actually.
"C'mon, Q. Open the door."
"No."
"Shit. Please?" he asks. She actually smiles. She thinks it's funny that this is what he thinks is polite.
"Puck, I'm fine. Just leave me alone," she says. She hiccups a little and he tries the door again.
"Quinn, open the goddamn door." He sounds angry, but also exhausted.
She realizes that this isn't going to get her anywhere. And she doesn't need him mad, too. So she unlocks the door before sinking back against the tub with her legs stretched out in front of her.
"You puking, or what?" he asks, arms crossed as he looks down at her.
"No," she says, laughing tearfully.
"Then what the fuck?"
"I'm just...it's...Your mother hates me!" she cries. He rolls his eyes and sits down across from her, his back against the cupboard. "She. hates. me."
"Nah," he assures her. "She's just pissed I knocked you up and you got a cross on your neck."
She glares at him. "You are not helping." He shrugs. "This was a bad idea. I should just go to a shelter or something." She's not serious at all. He can tell. She likes that. "This is so messed up."
"Pretty much," he says. She tips her head back against the edge of the tub and looks at the ceiling. "But uh...you know, you're welcome here or whatever. I mean, mom invited you. You might be a goy, but you're still, you know...carrying the kid."
She looks at him again, her eyes narrowed. "Are you capable of doing anything without sounding like a complete moron?" she asks. "I swear you're just..."
"Whatever, Q," he says, standing from his place. "Good talk."
She doesn't know why she's such a bitch. He was just trying to be nice.
But the night they ended up naked on her parents' leather couch, he was just trying to be nice then, too.
... ... ...
She's sitting in the choir room waiting for practice to begin, and Rachel has a pink-lidded Tupperware container with cookies in the shape of stars (yellow icing) inside it. She and Finn are the only other two people in the room with Quinn and Puck.
Awkward.
She really wants a cookie.
She is not going to ask for one.
"Finn! One only! These are for later," Rachel chastises, laughing as she swats his hand. He manages to sneak another one anyway, grinning as he takes a bite.
Quinn notices that she and Puck roll their eyes at the same time.
Then Rachel's looking over and Quinn puts on her best scowl. She sees Puck smirking from the corner of her eye.
"Quinn?" Rachel asks. "Would you like one?"
Quinn flashes her fakest smile. The one that's supposed to look fake. "I thought they were for later."
Rachel smiles, shrugs her shoulder. "They're yellow. I know that's your favourite colour. And they're made with whole wheat flower and free-range organic eggs. I know how particular you are about your diet."
Quinn is not going to cry. She is not.
"Fine," she says, like she's the one doing the favour. "I'll have one."
Rachel literally skips across the room and holds out the container.
Quinn swats Puck's hand away when he tries to reach for a cookie. She and Rachel both laugh.
This is one of those moments Quinn realizes that, you know, Rachel isn't always terrible.
... ... ...
It takes a week for she and Puck to fall into something that she doesn't even understand.
(Sober, this time, so that's a plus.)
She's doing chem homework, just the report part, because she can't be in class for the lab part (the chemicals are harmful to the baby, not that she minds sitting in the library instead of partnering with Kelly Darbish for these stupid experiments.) Puck is next to her, completely ignoring his homework. He probably doesn't even know what homework he should be doing, since he barely pays attention in class anyway.
She sees, out of the corner of her eye, the way his hands move over the guitar, his fingers moving almost on their own, it seems. Maybe it's the hormones, but she remembers the way those fingers played her, too.
"What is that?" she asks, looking away from her books, looking at him.
"What?"
"What you were just playing." She thinks her question was fairly obvious. She doesn't do well with having to repeat herself.
"Nothin'," he says, looking down at his guitar. "Just something I made up."
"It's nice," she says quietly. He gives her one of those smiles, the kind she rarely sees. They're usually pointed at her. She gets up from her chair and lays down next to him on her side, one hand on her stomach and the other tucked beneath her cheek. "Keep playing. It's good for the baby."
It's not a lie. Rachel's been trying to talk to her about how good it is for unborn babies to be exposed to music, how it helps with brain activity or something. Sometimes (always) Quinn stops listening.
She falls asleep at some point, and when she wakes up, Puck is sleeping next to her, his hand resting half on her hip, half on her stomach. His guitar is sitting on its stand and he's wearing sweats. She's still in her clothes. She cranes her neck to see the time, and it's after midnight. She tries to move closer to him, though not sure why.
Her stomach gets in the way.
"Hmm," he murmurs, hand moving slowly over her belly.
Quinn isn't sure why his mother didn't wake them. She supposes you can't get more pregnant. What's the worst that could happen?
"Puck," she whispers. He doesn't budge. She raises her hand but doesn't know what to do with it until she decides to rest it on his cheek. He looks different when he's sleeping. He looks like the sweet guy he is sometimes. "Puck, wake up."
"'S'wrong?"
"Nothing," she says, smiling though his eyes aren't really open. "We fell asleep."
"'S'good," he mumbles. She laughs a little and his eyes open. "Hey."
Her hand has moved to his shoulder. His is still on her stomach. Neither of them moves.
"Hi," she whispers. "I'm still wearing my dress."
"I like this dress," he says sleepily. "You wanna get out of it?" She kinks her brow. "It's not a proposition, Q. You want pajamas or something?"
Maybe it's the way his thumb is moving over her side, or the way his voice is all deep, or the way he's looking at her (she feels beautiful, though she knows he'll never say it). Whatever it is, she gets a surge of confidence accompanied by a series of very un-Christian thoughts.
"I want to get out of it," she says, looking at him through her eyelashes so he'll understand.
He smirks, but doesn't touch her any more than he is, or kiss her. She really wants him to. "You sure? 'Cause if..."
"I'm sure," she insists. She doesn't think she'll regret this later. She thinks maybe she wants him now. Maybe she's ready for this relationship he wants. "Maybe...maybe no sex, because I'm not really ready for that right now, and I'm fat and I don't even know how that would work, and..."
"I could make it work," he says cockily. She giggles. It feels good to giggle.
"I'm sure you could." Her thumb traces his bottom lip. "Just...be nice to me, okay?"
She feels silly for asking. It's just that not many people are nice to her, and he certainly hasn't been in the past, and she needs to know that this, whatever it is, wasn't just something he wanted because he couldn't have it.
"I will," he says.
The fact that he's not joking makes her feel like he actually means it.
And then he kisses her, not hungrily, not wet like the kisses that other time they kissed. It's gentle, sweet, even, and she knows that no one would believe them if she told them.
They don't have sex - he doesn't even push her, really - but they get her out of her dress, and she thinks she's going to cry or something when he kisses her stomach a few times and rests his hand there. When his fingertips creep closer to her underwear, she tenses and pulls away, but he just kisses her again, that way, the nice way.
"Let me," he pleads.
"Puck."
"Just let me," he says, eyes locked with hers. "It'll feel so good."
She thinks about it for a second and realizes that he's no good with words. Terrible, actually. He's good with this. This, him wanting to give her this and not asking for anything in return, is like his promise that he'll try for her, that he'll be nice.
She smiles afterward, when she's laying with her back to his chest and he says something about her stomach being a pain in the ass.
"I know," she says, laughing softly.
But then their hands lock over her belly and he kisses her shoulder.
Maybe it's not so bad.
... ... ...
She's in the bathroom one day when she hears crying. She sees Rachel's fugly suede loafers beneath the door as she's washing her hands, and for the next thirty seconds, she fights with herself. To help, or not to help?
She's halfway to the door when she hears a sniffle, and she closes her eyes, sighs and walks over to the stall. She doesn't knock.
"Rachel." She doesn't get an answer. "Rachel...what's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm fine."
"You're crying."
"It's nothing. Thank you for asking," Rachel says. Her voice is all wobbly and Quinn rolls her eyes.
"Will you just come out? It's just me."
"Exactly. We aren't...you don't like me."
"No, but I can't stand listening to you bawling, either. Just come out," Quinn orders. This is not up for negotiation. The lock slides open and then Rachel steps out, a tissue bunched in her fist and her eyes red. "Let me guess. Finn."
"I...I don't feel comfortable talking about Finn with you," Rachel says seriously. "It would be horribly inappropriate, and not to mention awkward, given that..."
"I'm not listening to you at all," Quinn says flippantly. "Are you okay? Your makeup is fine, not that you wear much of it."
"Waterproof mascara."
Quinn almost smiles, but she keeps it in check. "Put cold water on your cheeks so you don't look like more of a freak. It takes the redness out."
She walks away, letting the door slam behind her, because she wasn't just being nice. That's not what that was.
... ... ...
She sees Finn at his locker between classes, and she walks away from Puck, marching over to her ex-boyfriend while everyone in the hall holds their breath.
"Your girlfriend was crying in the bathroom before homeroom. Try to figure out what you did wrong so you can fix it. Her existence is unfortunate enough already."
She's walking away when she hears him say, "Rachel's not my girlfriend. Wait. Is Rachel my girlfriend?"
... ... ...
By glee, Finn and Rachel are holding hands again.
... ... ...
Puck has Saturday basketball practice, and Hannah is at a friend's house. Quinn finishes her homework and gets the nerve to go downstairs where his mom is.
She's watching Gilmore Girls reruns on some cable channel. Quinn smiles. It's one of her favourite shows.
"This is a good one," she says quietly, pulling her hands into the sleeves of her sweater.
Ms. Puckerman actually smiles. Quinn thinks it's a miracle. "I do like this Logan," she says.
Quinn smiles. "Me too."
There are no quips about how Logan is the furthest thing from Puck. No comments on how Logan is the kind of boy Quinn's parents wanted for her. Ms. Puckerman does nothing but turn up the volume a little bit and reach for the blanket off the back of the sofa.
"Come sit, Quinn."
She does. She pulls the blanket over herself (she's always cold in this house, but she's too shy or polite to say anything about it) and the two of them sit there and watch television, talking a little bit, until Puck comes home.
They're in the middle of an episode and he suggests he and Quinn go over to Mike's, where a few people are hanging out.
She tells him to wait until the show's over.
... ... ...
"I'm not breaking up with you, but please stop supersizing. I don't dig on fat chicks."
"I'm pregnant," she says, looking at him like he's a complete idiot.
"And that's my fault?"
She'd laugh if she wasn't so angry.
She shakes her head and walks away from him, but then sees one of the freshman Cheerios eyeing him, so she grabs the arm of his jacket and pulls him along, dropping him in the hallway with Mike and Matt without a word before she keeps walking.
She's sitting in history when Kurt passes her a note.
You look fabulous today. Love the hair.
She smiles over at him. She's always liked Kurt. He's almost as much of a bitch as she is. But she can tell when he's being sincere, and she likes that he's one of the only ones brave enough to compliment her anymore.
... ... ...
She hangs out with Brittany after school because she's still mad at Puck for being a moron.
When she calls him to pick her up (hey, she still needs him, as much as she doesn't want to admit it) there's a McDonald's bag sitting on the passenger seat and a huge cup in the cupholder. He's eating an apple pie.
This is how he apologizes
"Eat up, Chubs," he says before she can thank him.
He asks for a fry and she says no.
... ... ...
Rachel starts singing this angry song, which is kind of hilarious, since she's dressed like freaking Strawberry Shortcake or whatever, but Quinn smiles and sings along anyway, dances with her boyfriend (which she's just started calling him) and laughs with the group.
And she thinks she might be enjoying Finn's scowl as much as Rachel.
She's still a little bit mad at him, too.
(Maybe she has no right, but it's there in the back of her mind; Why wasn't love enough?)
... ... ...
She's laughing so hard she thinks she might cry.
She's sitting on Puck's bed, leaning back on her hands, wearing one of his sweaters, with a blanket draped over her legs. They spend a lot of time in his room, just doing school work (which she can sometimes convince him to do) or watching movies or Googling stupid things. (That last one is more him than her.)
Right now, he's playing guitar, a simple chord progression, and making up the most ridiculous song lyrics she's ever heard.
For the baby.
"Ba-by, you'll have eyes of green. And if you're like your mom, you'll be real mean," he sings, and Quinn kicks his leg as he smiles and she laughs.
He keeps making things up, words that don't even rhyme and don't make any sense at all, and she feels a really weird thing happening in her stomach. She sits up and her hands move to the spot where this sensation is happening, and she really does start crying.
His guitar is out of his hands and he's leaning towards her. "What? What is it?"
"She's...she's kicking," she says. His eyebrows fly up. She grabs his hand and presses it against her belly. "You feel it?"
"Shut up," he says, his brow knit in concentration. She watches his face until the baby kicks again. "Holy fucking shit."
She smacks him on the side of the head. "Don't swear in front of her."
"She's swimming around in there. She doesn't know," he says. His hand is still on her stomach. "She's really going to town, huh?"
Quinn laughs and nods. This is the weirdest thing she's ever felt. "Puck?"
"Yeah?" He's not even looking at her, just at her stomach.
"I'm really glad you're here for this," she admits.
He leans over and kisses her quickly, smiles and winks before reaching for his guitar. "Whatever. Where was I? You got a good rhyme for Puck-style?"
She blinks at him, lays down on her side and pulls the blanket over her. "You're an idiot."
He starts playing again, and Quinn tucks her hand into the front pocket of this sweater that smells like him, feeling the gentle taptaptap against her hand as Puck sings crass things about this baby's conception.
... ... ...
Mike Chang (she always feels the need to say his full name for some reason; it just sounds good) is literally dancing circles around her in the choir room as they have one of these silly impromptu jam sessions that she secretly almost loves.
She loses her balance on her way to sit down next to Puck, and she falls back off the riser, directly onto her butt.
Sort of.
Mike Chang literally dives onto the floor, sliding on his back, to break her fall.
Puck is at her side instantly, helping her up and making sure she's alright. She's just embarrassed, really. This damn baby is messing with her equilibrium. She's got impeccable balance. That's why she was always at the top of the pyramid. Now she can't even take a step without falling over.
Mike Chang looks like he's in a considerable amount of pain. This isn't good.
"Mike," she whispers, pulling her arm from Puck's. "I'd bend down, but...I can't." He laughs a little, tries not to wince. "I'm so sorry."
"Fuck, dude. That's pretty brave. You break any ribs?" Puck asks. He reaches out his hand to help Mike up off the floor. Quinn glares at him. "What?"
Rachel is at her side (of course). "Do you need anything? Water? Should we contact your doctor? Just in case? Sit down."
"I'm fine. Really." Everyone's staring at her and she's just realizing it. "Stop staring! I'm fine!" She laughs a little bit. No one looks convinced. "Mike Chang is softer than he looks."
"Hey!"
She laughs a little bit and they carry on with their practice, but everyone keeps looking at her like she might pop a kid out any second.
That night while Puck is at Artie's playing video games (a secret between the three of them) Quinn decides she's going to do something for Mike Chang. Something nice.
She doesn't have any money, and she doesn't know what he'd want anyway, but then she hears Puck's mom in the kitchen and she wonders if maybe she could recruit some help.
The two of them spend the evening making peanut butter oatmeal cookies, because when Quinn texted Matt he told her those are Mike's favourite. She slaps Puck's hand away from the tray when he tries to reach for one.
"They're for Mike Chang!" she cries. Puck's mom laughs as she washes the dishes. Quinn has been drying. She hits Puck with the towel as he tries again to steal a cookie. "Don't. Touch."
She brings a cookie to bed that night, and he glares at her as she eats it next to him.
Just before she turns out the light, she gives him the last bite and he licks her fingers in an entirely-too-sexual way as he takes it from her.
... ... ...
She's nice to Mercedes because she wants to be, because she knows how it feels to be that girl, the one worried about her weight and her looks and pleasing everyone else. Sometimes she still is, but for the most part, it's just not an option anymore, for her to be so selfish and stupid that she doesn't eat.
She thinks she might cry when Mercedes does. She hates that any of them ever have to feel this way.
The two of them sit in the nurse's office and talk a little bit, and when Mrs. Jones comes to pick up her daughter, she thanks Quinn for being such a good friend. Mercedes looks at her as if to ask if they're really friends.
Quinn smiles in return, runs her hand over her stomach and starts to wonder if maybe she wouldn't be so terrible at this whole motherhood thing after all.
... ... ...
The pep rally makes Quinn's throat tighten with pride for the girl who, two days ago, was so worried about her looks. Quinn wishes she could have figured it out so fast.
She's swaying in the middle of the gym with her friends, new and old, all around her, and when the tear slips down her cheek, she doesn't bother to wipe it away.
She sees Puck get up, he smiles at her as he does, and stand behind their friend, showing his support.
She thinks, for the first time really, that maybe someday he wouldn't be such a bad dad. Someday.
... ... ...
She's laying on her side, because that's the only way she can lay down without her back killing her, and Puck walks into the bedroom and tosses his backpack on the floor. He had basketball practice after school, and she got a ride home from Brittany. He lays down and rests his hands on his stomach, closes his eyes.
"'M fuckin' tired," he mumbles. "I swear, Tanaka works us extra hard 'cause he thinks it'll make him loose weight or something."
She laughs softly and focuses on the tapping against her palm on her stomach. "Puck, what are we going to do?" she asks quietly.
They haven't really talked about it, not like they should be.
It's always, 'Whatever you want, Q.' She knows that's not really how he feels. She knows he thinks they can raise this baby, take care of her and be a family.
She's still too young for this.
"I dunno," he admits, opening his eyes to look at her. She doesn't know when she started crying. "What are you thinking?"
"I don't know," she admits, wiping her cheek with the back of her finger. "I hate this."
"Same."
She blows out a breath and closes her eyes. "I don't think we can...How could we take care of her?"
He pushes himself up onto his elbows and narrows his eyes at her. "Kids in high school raise kids all the time, Q. We could do it."
"We could, but it wouldn't be right," she says, looking down to her stomach. "God, Puck, we're kids. I don't want her to have to grow up with nothing."
"So you wanna give her away?" he asks angrily. "Fuck that. No way."
"Rachel's adopted."
"Rachel's a science experiment," he remarks bitterly.
Quinn doesn't know when she started defending Rachel Berry (right now, apparently). "You're...such a jerk. That's a terrible thing to say."
He rolls his eyes. She thinks he understands that his comment was way off base.
"She's our baby, Quinn. And yeah, we're two stupid kids who fucked up, but...we're her parents. No one...no one could love her like we will."
She thinks he might have a point.
She knows that's a selfish way to look at it. Someone else will love her, some other couple who just can't have children and want one terribly. They'll love her and she'll be their little miracle and they'll have jobs and money and a house and maybe another kid or a dog or a backyard. She wants her little girl to have all those things. She'd love to be able to provide them, but she can't. They can't. They're just too young and too messed up and there's no way she can put her child through that.
"But we can't provide for her like someone else will," she says. There are stupid tears coming down her cheeks and he's just looking at her, and she thinks they're both trying to figure out which is more important; love or money. "Puck, we have to think about it."
"Think about what?" he asks bitterly, standing from the bed. "You wanna give her to some strangers to raise."
"Puck..."
"Whatever," he mumbles. He grabs his keys and heads for the door.
"Where are you going?" she asks. Her stomach is lurching. She doesn't think they'll ever make a decision if he just walks out every time things get heavy.
"Out."
The door slams behind him and her heart breaks.
Not so much for her, though.
She cries and ends up calling Brittany, who comes over and listens to Quinn bitch and complain, even though Quinn's pretty sure Brittany still doesn't really understand the entire situation. But if you need Brittany, she's there, no questions asked. She's loyal and sweet and she'll just hold your hand until you're ready to stop talking, then she usually says something so ridiculously stupid (seriously, sometimes Quinn doesn't know if it's all an act or not) that you start laughing.
When Puck comes home, his hands are tucked into his pockets and he looks like he's got things to say, so Brittany kisses Quinn's cheek, says she'll see them at school, and bounces out of the room.
"So, uh...let's talk," he says. Quinn almost laughs. It's really funny to watch Puck grow as a person, because he's trying, but he still doesn't have all the pieces put together yet.
"Where did you go?"
He runs a hand over the back of his head. "Rachel's."
He launches into a big speech about adoption, and how it's sometimes the best choice for kids, how they get to grow up being taken care of and loved. He says he likes the idea of some 'suit wearing jackass' being forever indebted to Puck for giving him a kid and making him happy. He says he's still not in love with the idea, but that he understands why Quinn is, and that it's not just his choice, and maybe it's not such a bad idea after all.
At the end of it, Quinn's crying, saying thank you, and wonders how Rachel can get through to him when she, herself, can't.
They don't kiss goodnight like they usually do. He doesn't even try to slip his hand into her panties after turning off the light. She has no idea what that means, but her heart isn't breaking either way.
... ... ...
A few days later, she watches and tries not to giggle as Rachel and Artie take over Puck's life and start making this video. Puck kicks her out and she laughs all the way to the driveway, where she goes grocery shopping with his mom and sister, just to get out of the house.
It doesn't annoy her that he's hanging out with Rachel. Part of her wonders what Jesse (or Finn, for that matter) thinks about it, but she doesn't really care, because it's still Rachel, and she tends to try to convince herself that she and Rachel are from two different worlds.
But then later, she's reading one of the books she has on childbirth and trying not to get too freaked out that she actually has to do this in a couple months. Puck gets a text, and she sees the little smile on his face before he sets his phone on the bedside table and goes back to his video game.
"Who was it?" she asks, just out of curiosity.
"None of your business," he mumbles, looking at her from the corner of his eye. She hits him on the thigh with her book. "Rachel."
"You're texting now?" she laughs.
"She texted me. About the project."
"You smiled."
"So? I'm not allowed to smile?" he asks, pausing his game.
She sighs and looks at him, and she just knows this isn't working. It's not. They aren't compatible. He's too much for her and she's not enough for him. She knows he needs someone who can keep him in line (to a degree), and she just doesn't have the energy to do it. She doesn't think she wants to, either. She's happy they've at least tried, because they owed it to themselves, really, and she has always wondered. And he hasn't been a terrible boyfriend. He hasn't screwed around on her, and she knows that's probably been very difficult for him. But that's not enough to make a relationship last or work in any real way.
"We're breaking up," she states.
He actually laughs. "Cool."
"Puck!" she laughs. "You're supposed to be mad!"
He shrugs one shoulder. "I was thinking of dumping you anyway. I mean, we share a bed and you won't even let me sex you."
"You're so disgusting," she says, shaking her head.
He looks over at her, and he's serious now. "Wasn't working anyway, right?" She just gives him a sympathetic smile. "No worries."
She finds herself smiling and trying not to tease him about his obvious feelings for Rachel.
... ... ...
She's literally stunned when he starts pursuing Mercedes.
Really? Mercedes?
So she warns the girl, because Puck is on the rebound...or prowl...or whatever, and he doesn't have the best of intentions. Not that he ever really does, but still.
This whole 'being nice to people' thing really isn't so bad at all.
... ... ...
Finn bumps into her in the hall one day. He isn't looking where he's going, and he backs right into her. She puts her hands in front of her to brace herself from falling face (stomach) first into the lockers, and then his huge hands are on her shoulders and he's turning her around.
"Oh my god. Are you okay? I'm so sorry," he says. He doesn't really talk to her much at all, and certainly not with any kind of emotion or concern. All she can do is nod. "Are you sure? I didn't...the baby..."
"She's fine. It's fine," she insists. He still looks skeptical. "Finn, really."
"Okay," he says, sighing in relief. "Um...how have you been? I heard you and...you broke up."
She shrugs her shoulder. "I'm okay."
"Okay," he says quietly. "I'll talk to you later."
He walks away, finds Rachel in the hall and Quinn pretends not to see that both her exes are looking at that other girl like they used to look at her.
... ... ...
If you were to ask her how she ended up at Camel's auditorium with Rachel Berry on a secret recon mission, she'd tell you she has no idea how it happened.
The truth is, she can't pass up the opportunity for a little sabotage; call it a strange lingering need to need Coach Sylvester's approval. That woman would love something like this if it wasn't glee-related.
So they tiptoe into the balcony and watch as that crazy choir director counts out and barks orders and claps and talks about theatricality.
And yeah, she can admit that she's really impressed (like, she has goosebumps) when this woman starts to sing a song from this movie Rachel's always talking about that Quinn got curious and actually watched once, back before she blew up and everything went to shit.
She's scared and mad and maybe just a little worried when Rachel gets up and starts walking towards the stage, and part of the reason she tells Rachel to sit down is because she wants to know what's going on.
Hearing Rachel say those words, ("I'm your daughter.") is nearly enough to break Quinn's heart, because there's some of her own future in the scene unfolding before her, and it hardly seems fair that she has to see this before she lives it.
... ... ...
She and Puck haven't really been talking much. They're still sleeping in the same bed, because he refuses to sleep on the couch and she can't, and really, it's not a big deal. They just turn out the light, turn their backs to one another, and she's never felt him so much as lay a finger on her or accidentally bump into her in his sleep. She doesn't really care. His bed is comfortable on her aching back.
But they're both caught up in their own stuff (her, school and homework; him, guitar and video games) and they just don't really talk about much of anything at all. Certainly not anything important.
So when he starts talking about baby names (horrible, this-child-will-be-an-alcoholic, baby names) she gets upset. It feels like that whole Drizzle debacle all over again. Are boys always this stupid? She wonders if men who are married and ready to have babies actually suggest this stuff. Honestly, she doesn't know what is wrong with him. She's not naming the baby. She's giving it up and the people who adopt her can name her.
But then he makes this speech and sings this pretty song and looks at her, and she's crying and he tells her, as honestly as she's ever heard him say anything, that he wants to meet their baby, and all Quinn can do is nod.
Really, this is all she's wanted from him all along, they were both just too preoccupied or stupid or stubborn to see it.
They lay down that night and the light is out, and she whimpers a little bit when a pain runs through her back (she still can't get used to that).
"Hey," he says through the darkness, though their backs are still to one another. "Thanks."
"Yeah," she whispers, tears in her eyes again. "You too."
She doesn't stop him when he rolls over and puts his hand on her stomach. It's not romantic in any way, and he's not trying to make some kind of move. It's like a fatherly gesture, one of the few he'll actually get to make with this baby, so she lets him have it, cries quiet tears onto her pillow and wishes for all of this to just finally be over.
... ... ...
So maybe this pregnancy is making her soft, or maybe it's glee club, or maybe she just realizes that really, she and Rachel really aren't all that different, but when she walks into the choir room and sees Rachel in her pretty little red dress with tears on her cheeks and a bunch of papers and stuff on her lap, Quinn can't help but walk over and sit down next to her.
There's a glass with a gold star printed on the side. Quinn notices the way Rachel is tracing the star with her finger.
"Shelby gave me this," Rachel says quietly. "I like it."
Quinn knows Rachel is just saying that so it won't get made fun of. Quinn had no intentions of doing anything of the sort. But she can see why Rachel might be a little defensive.
"Are you okay?" Quinn asks after a few moments.
Rachel just nods, wipes her cheeks and fixes her hair. "We sang together. Gaga. It was fabulous."
Quinn laughs a little bit. "She can really sing," she says. She turns a little, more towards Rachel. "Now we know where you get it from."
"Is that a compliment?" Rachel asks warily. Quinn smiles and shrugs one shoulder. "You know, I thought that if I found her, this...this hole in my heart would just magically be filled and I wouldn't feel so...so out of touch. I thought I might feel like I...like I just knew who I was and everything would just be fine." She sniffles, looks at Quinn. "But it's not that easy. I don't feel any different."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I need to tell someone," Rachel admits. "And because...this information might serve you well. You know, in the future."
Neither of them says anything, and Quinn toys with the hem of her sweater as they sit there. "Do you still want to win Regionals?" she asks eventually.
"Quinn, have you met me? I want to win even more now. She may have given me some talent, but I'm the one who's going to take it to its fullest potential."
Quinn laughs again and stands. "Come on. We should get into costume."
Their serious conversation is over, and when they're changing in the girls' room with everyone else, Quinn almost poke's Rachel's eye out with her starburst contraption, but there are no hard feelings, no harsh words and no accusations. Rachel just puts her sunglasses on, claims they're protective, and Quinn tries not to laugh, because they're really not supposed to be friends.
But then, if she really thinks about it, Quinn's whole year has been comprised of things she wasn't supposed to do, and it's not the end of the world.
... ... ...
It's a little sad that she's not surprised at all when Rachel comes into the bathroom covered in runny, disgusting egg. There are pieces of shell in her hair and on her clothes, and she's a total mess.
It's the tears on her cheeks that freak Quinn out. Rachel's usually too proud to cry when these things happen to her.
Rachel doesn't say anything, though she definitely knows Quinn is there. She just takes off her little sweater and drops it on the ground, then turns on the water. Quinn watches, waiting for Rachel to start talking, to explain what happened.
She doesn't.
Quinn grabs some paper towels, wets them under the tap. "Here." Rachel takes them without saying a word and starts cleaning her face. "Who did this?"
"It doesn't matter," Rachel snaps. She does something very un-Rachel-like (it freaks Quinn out) and spits into the sink, getting the egg off her lips and scrubbing them with the paper towel. "It doesn't matter."
"Rachel."
"Quinn, don't!" Rachel shouts, turning towards Quinn.
There are a couple things Quinn doesn't do. She doesn't follow orders (she gives them) and she doesn't take kindly to being yelled at.
"Was it...Was it Puck?" she asks, because yeah, this seems like something he might do. Maybe not now, but still.
Rachel actually laughs. "No," she says quietly, shaking her head. "Wrong ex-boyfriend."
Quinn knows Finn would never do this, especially not to a girl, and especially not to Rachel.
"Are you serious? Jesse?" Rachel doesn't say anything, but a couple more tears fall down her cheeks. "Look, I still have shampoo in the locker room if you want to shower."
"I don't have clean clothes," Rachel says pitifully. Quinn rolls her eyes.
"I have some of those, too." Rachel looks at Quinn, and her eyes dart to her stomach. Quinn actually laughs. "Pre-preggo."
They stand there for a few moments, Rachel playing with the paper towel in her hand and Quinn with her hands on her stomach. She doesn't know why she wants to help so badly. She doesn't know why she suddenly wants to personally make Jesse's life a living hell.
"Thank you," Rachel says quietly.
"Locker 326. Combination is 15-43-26."
She walks away and leaves Rachel there alone, because she can be nice and help out, but she's not going to be seen walking around with Rachel if she doesn't have to.
(And it only annoys her a little bit that Rachel actually looks nice in the dress Quinn has had in the locker room since September.)
... ... ...
"This is bullshit!"
Quinn looks at Puck and tries not to laugh. Could he be more obvious?
The boys are all standing in the door and she kind of tunes Mr. Schue out.
She wonders if either Finn or Puck ever would have thrown a punch for her.
... ... ...
She's a little worried when she can't get him on the phone. God, she hopes he's not doing anything stupid.
She doesn't know what compels her to dial Finn's number.
"Quinn?"
"Yeah. I know. I'm just...I know you and Puck were planning something. I saw your faces. Tell me you didn't do anything stupid," she says firmly, laying on her side on her bed.
"Um. No. No," he says.
She knows him well enough to know when he's lying.
"Finn."
"Huh?"
"What did you do?" she asks. She's smiling. She doesn't know why. Maybe because it's all her fault the two boys weren't speaking in the first place, and she's happy they're able to get along, even if it's only to do something illegal.
(She knows Puck well enough to know that whatever they're doing out there in the dark is probably not exactly legal.)
"Nothing!" he says quickly. She hears Puck's voice in the background and Finn mumbling something. "Look, I gotta go."
"Tell Puck not to do anything stupid!" she says quickly. "You don't do anything stupid either."
She doesn't know why she cares.
Maybe she'll always care a little too much for both of them, since one was her first love and the other is the father of her child.
... ... ...
She'd yell at them both for getting caught, but Rachel's taking care of it for her. She just stands back with her arms crossed and her best 'I Told You So' face on as Rachel tears a strip off each of them.
After, when Rachel hugs them both, Quinn rolls her eyes and shakes her head and tells them she hopes they look good in brown aprons.
... ... ...
She probably shouldn't move out of Puck's house. It's just that as much as she and his mom get along, she's pretty sure they just tolerate one another. Ms. Puckerman clearly doesn't like the idea of Quinn being pregnant (Quinn can't really blame her, but what's done is done). Quinn tries to help out and be sweet and stay out of the way, but this family drives her insane half the time. She finds herself crying when Ms. Puckerman makes another comment about the baby's religious background, and the only saving grace is that she's in the living room and the woman is in the kitchen, so Quinn can sneak away upstairs and cry without anyone knowing.
But when Mercedes tells her (doesn't ask) she's moving in, Quinn feels more relieved than she's felt in months. She can't even remember feeling this way.
The first night at the Jones' house, after she and Mercedes have hung all her things in the closet, filled the drawers and moved her all in, they're doing homework on the bed in 'Quinn's room' (it feels amazing to have her own room again). Mrs. Jones comes in, smiling, and announces that it's time for dinner.
Quinn laughs as the tears well in her eyes when she sees what's on the table. Pancakes, hashbrowns, toast, eggs, and a huge plate of bacon.
She hugs Mercedes, then Mrs. Jones, and says thank you over and over again.
She calls Puck that night from her room and assures him that she's fine, and he laughs when she tells him about their breakfast for dinner. She thinks maybe they'll stay friends after this whole thing is over.
... ... ...
They gather at Mr. Schue's apartment, and she doesn't let on that she's ever been here before, but she knows everyone's thinking about the whole mess with the baby and that stupid deal Quinn made with the devil. Well, Mrs. Schuester, but whatever.
She's standing in the kitchen, thinking about everything, this whole year and everything that has happened. She doesn't know what she would have done without glee club and the people in it. She doesn't even really pretend to hate them anymore.
She remembers what she came in here for, other than a few minutes alone, and when she turns around, Mr. Schue is standing there, and she thinks he's been watching her.
It scares her how much she likes that he cares about her.
It's not the first time. It's not even the second time.
She thinks it'd be really nice if Mr. Schue was just a little younger and maybe not her teacher.
... ... ...
She tries really hard to focus on what her mother is saying. Really. And she doesn't know if she's happy or terrified that the woman is standing there in front of her talking about wanting Quinn home.
She's a little distracted by the fact that her water has just broken, and oh my god, she's having a baby.
... ... ...
She hates Puck. She hates him. He has the nerve to stand there looking like that?
She'll never talk to him again for doing this to her.
But then she's holding her baby girl, and these big blue eyes are staring back at her, and nothing in the world seems to matter as much as this, right now.
... ... ...
"Did you love me?"
She asks because she needs to know. She doesn't know if she wants him to say yes. She's emotional and tired and she's staring at the baby they made, and she thinks if there's ever a moment she can ask him, it's this one. Somehow she thinks it'll make everything just a little easier, just a little less messed up, if he did, at some point, think of her as something more than just another girl he could sleep with.
"Yes," he says quietly, still staring at their daughter. "Especially now."
She doesn't really know what he means, but then they look at one another and he laughs a little bit, and she'd hug him if her entire body didn't hurt so damn much. She knows he's not in love with her (it surprises her, how relieved she is), but he loves her for this baby, this little girl who'll never know either of them.
... ... ...
Rachel hosts a party to celebrate the fact that they've got another year of glee, and everyone's a little worried she's going to hand out songbooks and pick apart their performances or something, but when they show up, there's music playing and snacks set out and lots of non-alcoholic beverages sitting in a cooler on her back deck.
Quinn talks with Santana and Brittany and watches as Finn and Rachel sit together, holding hands and talking with Tina and Artie. Puck walks over and says something to Rachel, and she gets up, laughing, and leads him into the house. Quinn's heart falls just a little bit when she realizes she's been Rachel before.
When Rachel comes back outside, Quinn finds Puck standing alone in the kitchen, holding a bottle of this fancy root beer Rachel bought.
"Don't do it," she says, and he looks at her like she's crazy. "Whatever you do, don't..."
"Learned that lesson, Q," he says, smiling as he shakes his head. "Since when do you care about Rachel?"
She scowls at him and raises her finger so she's pointing in his direction. "Tell anyone and I'll kill you."
He laughs, slings his arm around her shoulder, and they go back outside. Rachel suggests a Bocce ball tournament, and as lame as Quinn thinks that is, she realizes it sounds kind of fun, too.
She doesn't play (seriously, having a baby? not something your body just bounces back from; her muscles are still sore), but she watches as Finn and Puck laugh together, Rachel barking the rules they're clearly ignoring, with Tina laughing beside her. Matt, Mike and Artie are talking about going to a baseball came in Cincinnati sometime in June. Brittany and Santana are talking with Mercedes and Kurt about how insane Miss Sylvester is.
Quinn sits down on the steps that lead to the grass and tries to find the moment these people became so important to her. Kurt comes to sit next to her and suggests they go shopping for her post-baby wardrobe, and she decides that maybe it doesn't really matter when.