(no subject)
Alex wanted to scream at them to turn around. They’d been in the car for almost twenty minutes and the further they drove, the tighter the knot in the pit of her stomach got.
She hadn’t said goodbye.
Olivia’s heart shined through her eyes and Alex hadn’t wanted to look into them just to see it breaking. She couldn’t handle the tears or the pressure to say words that wouldn’t even begin to come to her. They’d managed to skirt any talk of whatever they still had between them but Alex knew that if she’d had to say goodbye, that’s when the I love yous would have started. Goodbyes were perfect for that kind of thing, the heightened emotional vulnerability at realizing that the person you cared about more than anything else was going to be far out of your reach and there was nothing you could do about it. This would have been worse. This was a goodbye for an indefinite period of time, perhaps forever. Alex couldn’t handle that.
She’d justified it to herself, told herself that goodbye would solidify things too much, that if she didn’t say goodbye, there was a chance that maybe, just maybe the door wouldn’t shut completely on her. But now she was craving the closure.
She’d had a chance for a few more minutes with Olivia, to hold her, to hear her name spoken by those perfect lips just a few more times. Now, she was no longer Alex and she might never hear that voice again.
She was back in her limbo. They had yet to tell her who she was.
Alex wiped at her eyes and stared out the tinted window. No one could see her from out there. As of right now she didn’t exist… except to her two Grim Reapers sitting in the front seat.
But this time, she wasn’t dead. She was just going on an extended vacation.
It still felt like death.
There were some people she hadn’t even gotten to say hello to, people that had surely heard she was back, that had probably wanted to confirm with their own eyes that she was alive and well, that the stories of her return weren’t just hopeful figments of their imaginations. But as quickly as she’d arrived, she’d disappeared again. Like a ghost.
She shivered at the thought of having anything in common with the man who had shot her. His face was still lurking in the back of her mind. Taunting her, leering at her. She knew she would never ever forget it. He would haunt her nightmares, her thoughts. She’d see him lurking in shadows, swear he was there, just out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t want him to have that kind of power over her but she knew that no matter what she did, he would and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it. And now, for God only knew how long, she’d be dealing with it all on her own. Even if she wanted to tell someone, she couldn’t and even if she did, there’s no way they’d ever understand.
She felt tears sliding down her cheeks and she leaned her head against the window, shutting her eyes. The cool feel of the glass against her forehead sent a chill down her spine but she didn’t move.
A sigh escaped her lips and she allowed Alex Cabot to die with it.