5 Ways the Torchwood Team Ended Up with Ferrets
For those who have recently friended this journal and don't really know me yet... I have ferrets. I tend to carry on about them at my regular journal rather a lot. So the other day when I said I needed a quick prompt, the inimitable kyrdwyn came up with "5 Ways the Torchwood Team Ended Up with Ferrets"
Lord help us all...
All stories are PG-13 or less. Only one managed to have any real slash elements in it.
#1 Off by a Letter
“We found it!” Owen crowed as he and Gwen and Tosh made their way back into the Hub. They were all soaking wet and giggling like mad.
“Is it raining?” Jack asked as he came out of his office, Ianto close behind. Before they could answer he glanced around, “Where is it?”
All three of them started giggling again, leaning on each other as they struggled for breath.
Owen handed over his backpack. Which was … squirming.
Jack sniffed the air. “You aren’t wet with water. What did you get doused in?”
Tosh shrugged as she pulled off her jacket. Jack had to grab her hands to keep her from continuing on and removing her blouse. “I think you can stop there.”
Tosh looked at her unbuttoned shirt and snorted. “I suppose I should. Ianto might get jealous,” she giggled.
“What,” Jack asked again, enunciating to make himself plain, “Were you all doused in. You’re… a little off.”
“The ship spit at us. Oh! Yes!” Gwen said as if she’d just remembered. “We found the ship you sent us after. We also found… that… that… the other thing.”
“The Weevil?” Jack asked curiously, still looking for the six foot tall, snarling alien he’d expected them to return with.
“Oh fuck,” Owen whispered eyes wide.
“We were close!” Tosh opined from where she was still studying her own chest.
Ianto took the wiggling backpack from Jack and slowly opened it. A pink nose with long whiskers immediately emerged, followed by beady red eyes behind a dark brown ‘mask’ of fur. The critter looked around curiously as it tried to wiggle out of the bag.
“That’s a weasel,” Jack said succinctly.
“I said we were close!” Tosh repeated.
“Actually, sir,” Ianto put in as he shoved it back down in the bag and zipped it back up, “It’s a polecat.”
“Close enough!” Owen insisted.
Jack nodded at the wiggling backpack, “And now it’s your problem, Ianto. I’m putting these three through decontamination.”
)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)
#2 If Humans can have 'fur babies'...
Gwen jumped up on her chair in true girly manner as Ianto made his way through the central Hub. “We have rats?!”
Ianto held the furry critter up by the scruff. “It’s a ferret.”
“Why is it in here?” Gwen pressed, showing no inclination to climb down any time soon.
“For reasons I haven’t fully sussed out, Myfanwy seems to think it’s her child. I have no idea where she found it.” Ianto explained as he went into the medical bay and pulled out an old rabbit cage.
“You’re not going to keep it in here, are you?” Gwen was still looking at the thing like it was going to attack. The ferret, conversely, seemed far more interested in seeing how far up Ianto’s sleeve it could get before he pulled it back out.
“Actually I want Owen to make sure it’s okay. Then I’m giving it back to her. It seems to make her happy. From time to time she finds her own pets-slash-children. It’s not like she’s going to find a mate to procreate with.”
Gwen finally put her feet back on the floor. “Great. Just what we needed. To become an interspecies adoption agency.”
Ianto shifted slightly as the ferret crawled up his arm to perch on his shoulder like a parrot. “At least you weren’t here when she decided to adopt an adder.”
Gwen hopped back up on her chair again.
Jack walked in in time to see Gwen grab her jacket and flee. Ianto had a guilty-as-sin grin on his face. “Was it something I said?”
)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)
#3 Completely Wired"
“Ianto, you said you were going out for repair supplies.”
Ianto smiled at Jack’s completely perplexed look. He lifted the pet carrier up. “That’s what I’ve done.”
He set the carrier and bag of repair supplies on the table.
“You’ve brought a rat to repair things?” Tosh asked as she peeked through the bars of the carrier, not nearly as put off by the fuzzy thing as Jack expected her to be.
“It’s a ferret,” Ianto explained as he set a spool of electrical wire and a box of raisins on the table.
Jack smiled, understanding at once. “You read way too much, you know that?”
“Someone has to understand your outdated idioms,” Ianto countered.
“Can we get back to how a ferret is going to help us repair the damage from the rift opening?” Owen asked from the doorway.
“We attach the wire to its harness and then send it through the old conduits and catch it on the other end,” Jack explained.
Owen made a face.
“I’ll have you know that I’ve flown planes wired by ferrets. They’re very handy that way.”
“Okay fine, it runs the replacement wires. What do we do with them when they’re done?” Owen asked.
Ianto found himself caught flatfooted. “Torchwood could use a mascot, eh?”
From across the room Tosh hollered, “Don’t let Myfanwy hear that!”
)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)
#4 Give Me Shelter
They’d had a pleasant night out together. They’d gone to the movies and then out for a romantic dinner. Then they headed back to the Hub, hand in hand to finish the night.
As they crossed the plass, they saw a box set near the tourist office door. Jack and Ianto looked at each other, both shrugging.
When they got closer they could see air holes in the cardboard box as well as a card tied through two of them by a string.
Jack flipped the card up and read, “This is Phoenix. I can’t take care of him anymore. My friend Eugene once told me (before he died) that you all take in all kinds of weird creatures. He likes raisins and tennis balls. (Phoenix, not Eugene) He’s only a baby so he still sometimes bites.”
Ianto carefully pulled up the edge of the box. Nestled in an old flannel shirt was a tiny chocolate brown ferret. It was fast asleep completely unaware of how odd it’s life was about to become.
)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)
#5 Harry Potter Has Nothing on Alien Kool-Aid
Ianto met them at the door with a tray of coffee. He’d been surprised to notice that Owen hadn’t returned with the rest of the team.
Jack came in, but waved Ianto off when Ianto went for his coat. “Someone get… I don’t know one of the lab rat tanks or something.”
Gwen giggled and ran off for the aquarium. When she came out and set it on Owen’s chair, Jack produced a long, thin, albino ferret from his coat pocket and moved to deposit it in the glass enclosure. It bit him on the hand for his trouble.
“Well, what would you suggest? Let you run free so that Myfanwy thinks we got her a new wind-up toy?” Jack asked it acerbically.
Ianto raised his eyebrow at his boss addressing an animal like it might answer him. But then again, this was the same boss who kept a severed hand in a jar.
The ferret on the other hand had it’s own idea. It bit Jack hard enough to get him to let go and jumped onto Owen’s workstation. After dragging the papers off the keyboard with its teeth it stepped on a function key that pulled up the ‘sticky notes’ program.
‘fox me’ it typed.
“Well, it would be a step up,” Jack said.
The ferret jumped on the backspace key. ‘fix me’ it typed this time.
“Going!” Tosh said with a giggle before heading to her station.
“You’re going to tell me that that’s Owen,” Ianto said skeptically.
“He touched something he shouldn’t have. Puddle of some sort of green liquid. And poof! Our very own ferret physician.” Gwen was having a hard time not finding this all very funny.
Tosh was rotating the bottle on her scanner, inputting the alien text from the label.
‘need food’ Owen typed.
Ianto looked down at the tray of coffee and biscuits. “I can’t imagine this would be any good for you.”
Jack swore the ferret pouted.
“I have it!” Tosh shouted from her station. “Duration… The effects will wear off in approximately - uh oh…”
Everyone turned to look at her.
“Unless we’re having a problem understanding their units of time … it wears off in about three years.” She looked apologetically at Owen.
Jack crossed his arms and appraised the little critter. “Now, about that tank…”
Lord help us all...
All stories are PG-13 or less. Only one managed to have any real slash elements in it.
#1 Off by a Letter
“We found it!” Owen crowed as he and Gwen and Tosh made their way back into the Hub. They were all soaking wet and giggling like mad.
“Is it raining?” Jack asked as he came out of his office, Ianto close behind. Before they could answer he glanced around, “Where is it?”
All three of them started giggling again, leaning on each other as they struggled for breath.
Owen handed over his backpack. Which was … squirming.
Jack sniffed the air. “You aren’t wet with water. What did you get doused in?”
Tosh shrugged as she pulled off her jacket. Jack had to grab her hands to keep her from continuing on and removing her blouse. “I think you can stop there.”
Tosh looked at her unbuttoned shirt and snorted. “I suppose I should. Ianto might get jealous,” she giggled.
“What,” Jack asked again, enunciating to make himself plain, “Were you all doused in. You’re… a little off.”
“The ship spit at us. Oh! Yes!” Gwen said as if she’d just remembered. “We found the ship you sent us after. We also found… that… that… the other thing.”
“The Weevil?” Jack asked curiously, still looking for the six foot tall, snarling alien he’d expected them to return with.
“Oh fuck,” Owen whispered eyes wide.
“We were close!” Tosh opined from where she was still studying her own chest.
Ianto took the wiggling backpack from Jack and slowly opened it. A pink nose with long whiskers immediately emerged, followed by beady red eyes behind a dark brown ‘mask’ of fur. The critter looked around curiously as it tried to wiggle out of the bag.
“That’s a weasel,” Jack said succinctly.
“I said we were close!” Tosh repeated.
“Actually, sir,” Ianto put in as he shoved it back down in the bag and zipped it back up, “It’s a polecat.”
“Close enough!” Owen insisted.
Jack nodded at the wiggling backpack, “And now it’s your problem, Ianto. I’m putting these three through decontamination.”
)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)
#2 If Humans can have 'fur babies'...
Gwen jumped up on her chair in true girly manner as Ianto made his way through the central Hub. “We have rats?!”
Ianto held the furry critter up by the scruff. “It’s a ferret.”
“Why is it in here?” Gwen pressed, showing no inclination to climb down any time soon.
“For reasons I haven’t fully sussed out, Myfanwy seems to think it’s her child. I have no idea where she found it.” Ianto explained as he went into the medical bay and pulled out an old rabbit cage.
“You’re not going to keep it in here, are you?” Gwen was still looking at the thing like it was going to attack. The ferret, conversely, seemed far more interested in seeing how far up Ianto’s sleeve it could get before he pulled it back out.
“Actually I want Owen to make sure it’s okay. Then I’m giving it back to her. It seems to make her happy. From time to time she finds her own pets-slash-children. It’s not like she’s going to find a mate to procreate with.”
Gwen finally put her feet back on the floor. “Great. Just what we needed. To become an interspecies adoption agency.”
Ianto shifted slightly as the ferret crawled up his arm to perch on his shoulder like a parrot. “At least you weren’t here when she decided to adopt an adder.”
Gwen hopped back up on her chair again.
Jack walked in in time to see Gwen grab her jacket and flee. Ianto had a guilty-as-sin grin on his face. “Was it something I said?”
)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)
#3 Completely Wired"
“Ianto, you said you were going out for repair supplies.”
Ianto smiled at Jack’s completely perplexed look. He lifted the pet carrier up. “That’s what I’ve done.”
He set the carrier and bag of repair supplies on the table.
“You’ve brought a rat to repair things?” Tosh asked as she peeked through the bars of the carrier, not nearly as put off by the fuzzy thing as Jack expected her to be.
“It’s a ferret,” Ianto explained as he set a spool of electrical wire and a box of raisins on the table.
Jack smiled, understanding at once. “You read way too much, you know that?”
“Someone has to understand your outdated idioms,” Ianto countered.
“Can we get back to how a ferret is going to help us repair the damage from the rift opening?” Owen asked from the doorway.
“We attach the wire to its harness and then send it through the old conduits and catch it on the other end,” Jack explained.
Owen made a face.
“I’ll have you know that I’ve flown planes wired by ferrets. They’re very handy that way.”
“Okay fine, it runs the replacement wires. What do we do with them when they’re done?” Owen asked.
Ianto found himself caught flatfooted. “Torchwood could use a mascot, eh?”
From across the room Tosh hollered, “Don’t let Myfanwy hear that!”
)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)
#4 Give Me Shelter
They’d had a pleasant night out together. They’d gone to the movies and then out for a romantic dinner. Then they headed back to the Hub, hand in hand to finish the night.
As they crossed the plass, they saw a box set near the tourist office door. Jack and Ianto looked at each other, both shrugging.
When they got closer they could see air holes in the cardboard box as well as a card tied through two of them by a string.
Jack flipped the card up and read, “This is Phoenix. I can’t take care of him anymore. My friend Eugene once told me (before he died) that you all take in all kinds of weird creatures. He likes raisins and tennis balls. (Phoenix, not Eugene) He’s only a baby so he still sometimes bites.”
Ianto carefully pulled up the edge of the box. Nestled in an old flannel shirt was a tiny chocolate brown ferret. It was fast asleep completely unaware of how odd it’s life was about to become.
)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)_)
#5 Harry Potter Has Nothing on Alien Kool-Aid
Ianto met them at the door with a tray of coffee. He’d been surprised to notice that Owen hadn’t returned with the rest of the team.
Jack came in, but waved Ianto off when Ianto went for his coat. “Someone get… I don’t know one of the lab rat tanks or something.”
Gwen giggled and ran off for the aquarium. When she came out and set it on Owen’s chair, Jack produced a long, thin, albino ferret from his coat pocket and moved to deposit it in the glass enclosure. It bit him on the hand for his trouble.
“Well, what would you suggest? Let you run free so that Myfanwy thinks we got her a new wind-up toy?” Jack asked it acerbically.
Ianto raised his eyebrow at his boss addressing an animal like it might answer him. But then again, this was the same boss who kept a severed hand in a jar.
The ferret on the other hand had it’s own idea. It bit Jack hard enough to get him to let go and jumped onto Owen’s workstation. After dragging the papers off the keyboard with its teeth it stepped on a function key that pulled up the ‘sticky notes’ program.
‘fox me’ it typed.
“Well, it would be a step up,” Jack said.
The ferret jumped on the backspace key. ‘fix me’ it typed this time.
“Going!” Tosh said with a giggle before heading to her station.
“You’re going to tell me that that’s Owen,” Ianto said skeptically.
“He touched something he shouldn’t have. Puddle of some sort of green liquid. And poof! Our very own ferret physician.” Gwen was having a hard time not finding this all very funny.
Tosh was rotating the bottle on her scanner, inputting the alien text from the label.
‘need food’ Owen typed.
Ianto looked down at the tray of coffee and biscuits. “I can’t imagine this would be any good for you.”
Jack swore the ferret pouted.
“I have it!” Tosh shouted from her station. “Duration… The effects will wear off in approximately - uh oh…”
Everyone turned to look at her.
“Unless we’re having a problem understanding their units of time … it wears off in about three years.” She looked apologetically at Owen.
Jack crossed his arms and appraised the little critter. “Now, about that tank…”