Fic: Why Carson and John Deep Sixed the Sixty-Nine
Title: Why Carson and John Deep Sixed the Sixty-Nine
Author: smallwaldo
Words: 1140
Written for: sga_flashfic's "bad sex" challenge
Rating: R
Spoilers: None
Pairing: Sheppard/Beckett
A/N: My John Sheppard will never have kids, even if he wants them. I think this is the third time I've gone after his balls.
Summary: Rodney’s jaw dropped. “Oh my god, your face! Someone beat up your face! You should go see Carson. Really, he should take a look at that.”
Sheppard rolled his eyes. “He’s seen it,”
Rodney would have had to have been deaf, blind and lobotomized to not notice that John Sheppard looked like absolute hell when he limped into breakfast that morning. He raised an eyebrow, but said nothing as John collapsed into the chair next to Ronon. Rodney wasn’t sure if the colonel was going drink the two cups of coffee he carried or try to drown in them. When Sheppard straightened up, Rodney’s jaw dropped. “Oh my god, your face! Someone beat up your face!”
Teyla turned to see what had caused Rodney’s alarm and her eyes widened too.
“Seriously, guys, it’s nothing. Little accident.”
“Little accident, my ass! It looks like someone took a garden spade to the side of your head!” Rodney shouted. Ronon was the only person he could think of who could get in a hit that solid and not have wound up on this morning’s sick call list. Rodney shot Ronon a look.
“What?” Ronon asked.
Rodney looked pointedly at John’s shiner.
“I didn’t do that!” Ronon objected.
“Ronon didn’t clock me, Rodney, relax. Seriously. It was just a little accident.” John started on his second cup of coffee and wondered if it would take too much effort to get up for two more.
“Is that ‘accident’ also why you were limping?” Teyla asked neutrally.
John rolled his eyes. “More or less.”
“What’s that mean?” Ronon asked sliding his own coffee over to John who clearly needed it more than he did.
John nodded thanks and reached for the sugar. “It was a one-thing-leads-to-another kind of thing. Seriously, I’m fine.” He might have gotten away with the lie if he hadn’t winced as he attempted to smile.
“You should go see Carson,” Rodney put in. “Really, he should take a look at that.”
Sheppard rolled his eyes. “He’s seen it,” John said, carefully not adding anything else.
Rodney’s eyebrows drew together as something else occurred to him. “Wait, wait, you said that Ronon didn’t hit you. You didn’t say ‘nobody’ hit you. Who hit you?”
John let his head hit the table. It was going to be a ridiculously long morning.
~~~***~~~***~~~
By the time they were due to leave for M3X-933, the Paracetamol Carson had given him had finally started to kick in, and John was ready to petition the FDA to allow that stuff to be sold over the counter in the U.S. Seriously, the idea of putting both a painkiller and caffeine in one pill? Brilliant.
His limp was less noticeable and he could talk and even smile without pain, though his cheek and eye socket were still far more colorful than he would have liked. He had, however, developed a compulsion for checking his pants pocket for the packet of pills Carson had sent him off with. He wasn’t looking forward to this dose wearing off.
He waved good-bye to Elizabeth who was watching them depart from the balcony and then signaled his team through the wormhole.
933 was intended to be a milkrun. Teyla had suggested them as a trading partner when it became obvious that most fruits from Earth just couldn’t survive the trip on the Daedalus. So John and his team set out to try and score a few bushels of apples, pears and cherries. Rodney had needed to be reassured several times that the climate of the village near the stargate was far too temperate to allow citrus trees to grow.
Teyla took point for the four or so klick hike to the settlement, Ronon watching their six, while John limped along with Rodney between them. Teyla’s intel had included that some random bands of raiders who liked to swoop through and rob groups arriving through the stargate to trade. The village chieftans had declared them outcasts and disavowed them, but that only seemed to fuel their desire for lawlessness, so even though John was sure just the sound of a P-90 would send such primitive folks running, they kept on their guard as they made their way through the dense deciduous forest.
About half way there, John started limping more noticeably again and called a short break while he leaned on a tree and swallowed a couple more pills. They waited for Rodney to finish a powerbar and for Ronon to take a leak a few trees away before getting back on the path and heading off again.
As they moved along, Rodney dropped into step with John. “So… you never did say who hit you.”
John rolled his eyes. “I didn’t exactly get hit,” he said cagily.
Rodney sighed, tiring of the run around. “So exactly how did you get that shiner?”
John rolled his head back and forth, stalling. “I sort of collided with someone’s knee.”
“Whose?” Rodney asked predictably.
Not sure why exactly he was answering these questions, Sheppard finally hissed, “Carson’s.”
“How the hell did you run into Carson’s knee?” Rodney yelled loud enough to make Teyla turn around and raise and eyebrow.
“Can we, you know, keep it down?” John spat back.
“How the hell did you run into Carson’s knee?” Rodney asked again, this time in an over-done stage whisper.
“I didn’t run into it. It collided with my face.”
Rodney came to a halt, stomping his feet. “Enough with the bullshit vague answers already. What the hell happened?”
John grabbed his arm and spun him around, pushing him forward before Teyla and Ronon became too interested in their conversation. He shouldered up next to Rodney and whispered. “He was kneeling over my face and when he… ya know… he collapsed and I got a knee in the eye. Happy?”
Rodney snickered. “You have no idea.” He knew he could count on Sheppard to know that he meant that he was amused by the situation and not truly happy that his friend was in pain. “I mean, even Captain Kirk has bad sex every once in a while? Somehow it just makes you more… like us little people.”
John swatted Rodney’s head for the Kirk comment. “Maybe if you weren’t such a ‘little person’” he said with a definite look at the front of Rodney’s black pants, “you wouldn’t have so much experience with the subject of bad sex.”
Rodney was enjoying the fact that Sheppard had had a less than stellar encounter far too much to let John’s snide comments derail him. “And the limp? What else did he do to you that he couldn’t fix?”
John sighed. “When he … fell… I jumped… his nose hit me square in the balls at a really, really inopportune time. He had one hell of a nose bleed.”
Rodney couldn’t contain his laugh. “Oh to have been a fly on that wall.”
John sighed. “Shut up.” He just didn’t have the energy to come up with anything more pithy.
Wisely, Rodney followed that advice.
Author: smallwaldo
Words: 1140
Written for: sga_flashfic's "bad sex" challenge
Rating: R
Spoilers: None
Pairing: Sheppard/Beckett
A/N: My John Sheppard will never have kids, even if he wants them. I think this is the third time I've gone after his balls.
Summary: Rodney’s jaw dropped. “Oh my god, your face! Someone beat up your face! You should go see Carson. Really, he should take a look at that.”
Sheppard rolled his eyes. “He’s seen it,”
Rodney would have had to have been deaf, blind and lobotomized to not notice that John Sheppard looked like absolute hell when he limped into breakfast that morning. He raised an eyebrow, but said nothing as John collapsed into the chair next to Ronon. Rodney wasn’t sure if the colonel was going drink the two cups of coffee he carried or try to drown in them. When Sheppard straightened up, Rodney’s jaw dropped. “Oh my god, your face! Someone beat up your face!”
Teyla turned to see what had caused Rodney’s alarm and her eyes widened too.
“Seriously, guys, it’s nothing. Little accident.”
“Little accident, my ass! It looks like someone took a garden spade to the side of your head!” Rodney shouted. Ronon was the only person he could think of who could get in a hit that solid and not have wound up on this morning’s sick call list. Rodney shot Ronon a look.
“What?” Ronon asked.
Rodney looked pointedly at John’s shiner.
“I didn’t do that!” Ronon objected.
“Ronon didn’t clock me, Rodney, relax. Seriously. It was just a little accident.” John started on his second cup of coffee and wondered if it would take too much effort to get up for two more.
“Is that ‘accident’ also why you were limping?” Teyla asked neutrally.
John rolled his eyes. “More or less.”
“What’s that mean?” Ronon asked sliding his own coffee over to John who clearly needed it more than he did.
John nodded thanks and reached for the sugar. “It was a one-thing-leads-to-another kind of thing. Seriously, I’m fine.” He might have gotten away with the lie if he hadn’t winced as he attempted to smile.
“You should go see Carson,” Rodney put in. “Really, he should take a look at that.”
Sheppard rolled his eyes. “He’s seen it,” John said, carefully not adding anything else.
Rodney’s eyebrows drew together as something else occurred to him. “Wait, wait, you said that Ronon didn’t hit you. You didn’t say ‘nobody’ hit you. Who hit you?”
John let his head hit the table. It was going to be a ridiculously long morning.
~~~***~~~***~~~
By the time they were due to leave for M3X-933, the Paracetamol Carson had given him had finally started to kick in, and John was ready to petition the FDA to allow that stuff to be sold over the counter in the U.S. Seriously, the idea of putting both a painkiller and caffeine in one pill? Brilliant.
His limp was less noticeable and he could talk and even smile without pain, though his cheek and eye socket were still far more colorful than he would have liked. He had, however, developed a compulsion for checking his pants pocket for the packet of pills Carson had sent him off with. He wasn’t looking forward to this dose wearing off.
He waved good-bye to Elizabeth who was watching them depart from the balcony and then signaled his team through the wormhole.
933 was intended to be a milkrun. Teyla had suggested them as a trading partner when it became obvious that most fruits from Earth just couldn’t survive the trip on the Daedalus. So John and his team set out to try and score a few bushels of apples, pears and cherries. Rodney had needed to be reassured several times that the climate of the village near the stargate was far too temperate to allow citrus trees to grow.
Teyla took point for the four or so klick hike to the settlement, Ronon watching their six, while John limped along with Rodney between them. Teyla’s intel had included that some random bands of raiders who liked to swoop through and rob groups arriving through the stargate to trade. The village chieftans had declared them outcasts and disavowed them, but that only seemed to fuel their desire for lawlessness, so even though John was sure just the sound of a P-90 would send such primitive folks running, they kept on their guard as they made their way through the dense deciduous forest.
About half way there, John started limping more noticeably again and called a short break while he leaned on a tree and swallowed a couple more pills. They waited for Rodney to finish a powerbar and for Ronon to take a leak a few trees away before getting back on the path and heading off again.
As they moved along, Rodney dropped into step with John. “So… you never did say who hit you.”
John rolled his eyes. “I didn’t exactly get hit,” he said cagily.
Rodney sighed, tiring of the run around. “So exactly how did you get that shiner?”
John rolled his head back and forth, stalling. “I sort of collided with someone’s knee.”
“Whose?” Rodney asked predictably.
Not sure why exactly he was answering these questions, Sheppard finally hissed, “Carson’s.”
“How the hell did you run into Carson’s knee?” Rodney yelled loud enough to make Teyla turn around and raise and eyebrow.
“Can we, you know, keep it down?” John spat back.
“How the hell did you run into Carson’s knee?” Rodney asked again, this time in an over-done stage whisper.
“I didn’t run into it. It collided with my face.”
Rodney came to a halt, stomping his feet. “Enough with the bullshit vague answers already. What the hell happened?”
John grabbed his arm and spun him around, pushing him forward before Teyla and Ronon became too interested in their conversation. He shouldered up next to Rodney and whispered. “He was kneeling over my face and when he… ya know… he collapsed and I got a knee in the eye. Happy?”
Rodney snickered. “You have no idea.” He knew he could count on Sheppard to know that he meant that he was amused by the situation and not truly happy that his friend was in pain. “I mean, even Captain Kirk has bad sex every once in a while? Somehow it just makes you more… like us little people.”
John swatted Rodney’s head for the Kirk comment. “Maybe if you weren’t such a ‘little person’” he said with a definite look at the front of Rodney’s black pants, “you wouldn’t have so much experience with the subject of bad sex.”
Rodney was enjoying the fact that Sheppard had had a less than stellar encounter far too much to let John’s snide comments derail him. “And the limp? What else did he do to you that he couldn’t fix?”
John sighed. “When he … fell… I jumped… his nose hit me square in the balls at a really, really inopportune time. He had one hell of a nose bleed.”
Rodney couldn’t contain his laugh. “Oh to have been a fly on that wall.”
John sighed. “Shut up.” He just didn’t have the energy to come up with anything more pithy.
Wisely, Rodney followed that advice.