Fic: Thirty-One Flavors (Sam/Dean, NC-17) Part 2 of 3
Back to Part 1
“Hey, get your hands off my face! When are you going to let me out of here?” Sam bats at Dean’s hand, pushing it away from his general vicinity.
Dean doesn’t even have to ask, he knows this isn’t his Sam, not yet. Hopefully he’s still in there in that crowded brain. “It’s not up to me, Sammy, it’s all up to your doctors. Soon as your head is better.”
“Sure, Gadreel, whatever, like I’m supposed to believe that after all this time. Go ahead, put me in another Scooby-Doo case to keep me busy. That one with the zombie cheerleaders was pretty funny.”
Dean smiles at Sam’s bravado in confronting who he assumes to be the enemy angel. He never just rolls over and takes it, not his badass little brother. “Sammy, it’s me, Dean. Really it is. You’ve just had a bad head injury, that’s all. Gadreel’s long gone, buddy.”
“I don’t believe you. I can’t believe anybody. You’ve kept me locked up in my own head for so long nothing seems right. It’s hard to tell what’s real anymore.”
“I’m sorry, I never meant for that to happen, Sam. I was just trying to save your life.”
“Gadreel kept telling me you did it out of love. But why would someone who supposedly loved me do this? Take control of my body away from me and lie to me about it for months. All I can see anymore is my hands killing Kevin over and over again.”
“Sammy, please. You have to understand. I didn’t have another choice. You were gonna die.”
“And this was better somehow for you? Having my body walking around with an angel inside of it, just so you could not be alone?”
“No, that wasn’t what I wanted. He was supposed to fix you and then leave. That’s all. I didn’t know he was lying about who he was.”
“Dean, stop. Just stop. I know all that. But did you know that Sam has forgiven you already?”
“He has?” Dean asks, unbelieving and untrusting, even though it’s Sam. There’s been so much broken between them and he’s still convinced what he did was unforgivable, even by Sam.
“Yeah. I sure wouldn’t have, but he did. He figured out he would have done the same or worse if the situation was reversed.”
“But he said….”
“I know, I know, he was really angry when he said that. But he told you that was a lie, remember? Right before you died?”
“Wait, he really meant that? I thought he just said it because I was…you know…dying.”
“God, you’re dense sometimes! Yes, Dean, he meant it. Of course he did.”
“I wish I’d never left him that night on the bridge.”
“Yeah, that one he’s not over. He felt pretty damn abandoned, you know? That was when he needed you most, and you just split.”
“I was a chickenshit, I know it. I just couldn’t take hearing him say what he was gonna say.”
“You thought wrong. He just wanted you to stand by him while he recovered. Do you have any idea what it was like to have Crowley and Gadreel in his head at the same time? What Cas did to him to take the leftover grace out? Or what he was like afterwards? You never even asked him, Dean. He thought you didn’t care.”
“I know I screwed up, okay? Taking on the Mark just to get vengeance and make it all into a kamikaze mission was my bad.”
“Your bad? Oh man, you have no clue, do you? Wait until you to talk the last one of us.”
“The last one of you?” Dean asks, still shaken by what this Sam has just told him. The depth of the pile of shit he’s got to work through is daunting, but he’s going to do it. He has to, as much for Sam, as for them.
Sam’s soft voice interrupts Dean’s thoughts. “Yeah, that’d be me, I guess.”
Dean looks at him closely, not immediately recognizing who this last Sam might be. “And you are?”
“Uh, I guess I’m the last one before you maybe get your Sam back.”
“Can we cut to the chase here? Which one are you?”
“The one who survived you being a demon.”
“Why in the hell are you separate?”
“What? You think all that wasn’t bad enough to be worth keeping separate huh?”
“I guess. I don’t know how this works really.”
“Or how bad it really was.”
“Yeah. I try not to remember much. And Sam won’t talk about it.”
“I’m not surprised. He’s still working on getting over it.”
“Can you at least tell me what he’s trying to get over?”
“What you said to him, when he was curing you with his blood.”
“Was it really that bad?”
“Yeah, it was the worst thing besides you dying that he’s ever experienced.”
“Why?”
“Imagine Sam saying all the things to you that you fear the most that he believes about you.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh. Listen, dude, I know you’ve been trying to put yourself back together after the whole oops-I-was-a-demon thing. But your brother…do you have any freaking clue what he did for you? What it was like when your dead body was just gone with that damn note? ‘Let me go Sammy’, who even does shit like that?”
“I really don’t remember it all too clearly yet. Not sure I want to.”
“Yeah, you’ve been part way down that demon road before, haven’t you? You ever stop to think about why Sam was so understanding about you being addicted to using the Blade?”
“No, not too much, I was kinda under the influence, the Mark and all that.”
“Under the influence? That ring any bells for you?”
“What, like Sam and the demon blood thing?”
“Yeah, Dean, and what did you do when your dear baby brother got himself addicted to something you didn’t understand? You called him a monster, threw him out and told him not to come back. But he did, didn’t he? He always comes back. I have no idea why,” Sam says, trailing off, like he’s run out of a list of hurtful things that he thinks Dean needs to hear.
“Me neither. I never think he’s going to. Or that he should.”
“Not really up to you, though, is it?” Sam asks, with a wan, half-smile that’s still so beautiful Dean feels his heart swelling up with hope, however misplaced it might be.
“Nope, but honestly, sometimes I wish it was,” Dean whispers to a suddenly asleep Sam. He knows any of these versions of Sam would object to that, but it’s true. He’d choose another life for Sam, one where he could be safe and happy. As this thought passes through his mind, even he calls himself out for lying, that’s not what he’d choose. It’s what he’d think he should choose, but if there’s ever a choice (and even when there’s not) it’s always going to be him and Sam, together like it’s supposed to be.
A shiver passes over him and then Sam at almost the same time, a split-second after Dean’s done with his honest internal conversation. It feels like a million tiny sparks just under the surface of his skin, drawing into his heart and then back out again. The feeling passes in a moment, before he’s able to get too worried, and he sees a small smile form on Sam’s face. Dean doesn’t know if that was magic or what, but it didn’t feel dangerous, it actually felt good. So did being honest with himself, which seems to be a weird thing to notice.
Part 3
“Hey, get your hands off my face! When are you going to let me out of here?” Sam bats at Dean’s hand, pushing it away from his general vicinity.
Dean doesn’t even have to ask, he knows this isn’t his Sam, not yet. Hopefully he’s still in there in that crowded brain. “It’s not up to me, Sammy, it’s all up to your doctors. Soon as your head is better.”
“Sure, Gadreel, whatever, like I’m supposed to believe that after all this time. Go ahead, put me in another Scooby-Doo case to keep me busy. That one with the zombie cheerleaders was pretty funny.”
Dean smiles at Sam’s bravado in confronting who he assumes to be the enemy angel. He never just rolls over and takes it, not his badass little brother. “Sammy, it’s me, Dean. Really it is. You’ve just had a bad head injury, that’s all. Gadreel’s long gone, buddy.”
“I don’t believe you. I can’t believe anybody. You’ve kept me locked up in my own head for so long nothing seems right. It’s hard to tell what’s real anymore.”
“I’m sorry, I never meant for that to happen, Sam. I was just trying to save your life.”
“Gadreel kept telling me you did it out of love. But why would someone who supposedly loved me do this? Take control of my body away from me and lie to me about it for months. All I can see anymore is my hands killing Kevin over and over again.”
“Sammy, please. You have to understand. I didn’t have another choice. You were gonna die.”
“And this was better somehow for you? Having my body walking around with an angel inside of it, just so you could not be alone?”
“No, that wasn’t what I wanted. He was supposed to fix you and then leave. That’s all. I didn’t know he was lying about who he was.”
“Dean, stop. Just stop. I know all that. But did you know that Sam has forgiven you already?”
“He has?” Dean asks, unbelieving and untrusting, even though it’s Sam. There’s been so much broken between them and he’s still convinced what he did was unforgivable, even by Sam.
“Yeah. I sure wouldn’t have, but he did. He figured out he would have done the same or worse if the situation was reversed.”
“But he said….”
“I know, I know, he was really angry when he said that. But he told you that was a lie, remember? Right before you died?”
“Wait, he really meant that? I thought he just said it because I was…you know…dying.”
“God, you’re dense sometimes! Yes, Dean, he meant it. Of course he did.”
“I wish I’d never left him that night on the bridge.”
“Yeah, that one he’s not over. He felt pretty damn abandoned, you know? That was when he needed you most, and you just split.”
“I was a chickenshit, I know it. I just couldn’t take hearing him say what he was gonna say.”
“You thought wrong. He just wanted you to stand by him while he recovered. Do you have any idea what it was like to have Crowley and Gadreel in his head at the same time? What Cas did to him to take the leftover grace out? Or what he was like afterwards? You never even asked him, Dean. He thought you didn’t care.”
“I know I screwed up, okay? Taking on the Mark just to get vengeance and make it all into a kamikaze mission was my bad.”
“Your bad? Oh man, you have no clue, do you? Wait until you to talk the last one of us.”
“The last one of you?” Dean asks, still shaken by what this Sam has just told him. The depth of the pile of shit he’s got to work through is daunting, but he’s going to do it. He has to, as much for Sam, as for them.
Sam’s soft voice interrupts Dean’s thoughts. “Yeah, that’d be me, I guess.”
Dean looks at him closely, not immediately recognizing who this last Sam might be. “And you are?”
“Uh, I guess I’m the last one before you maybe get your Sam back.”
“Can we cut to the chase here? Which one are you?”
“The one who survived you being a demon.”
“Why in the hell are you separate?”
“What? You think all that wasn’t bad enough to be worth keeping separate huh?”
“I guess. I don’t know how this works really.”
“Or how bad it really was.”
“Yeah. I try not to remember much. And Sam won’t talk about it.”
“I’m not surprised. He’s still working on getting over it.”
“Can you at least tell me what he’s trying to get over?”
“What you said to him, when he was curing you with his blood.”
“Was it really that bad?”
“Yeah, it was the worst thing besides you dying that he’s ever experienced.”
“Why?”
“Imagine Sam saying all the things to you that you fear the most that he believes about you.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh. Listen, dude, I know you’ve been trying to put yourself back together after the whole oops-I-was-a-demon thing. But your brother…do you have any freaking clue what he did for you? What it was like when your dead body was just gone with that damn note? ‘Let me go Sammy’, who even does shit like that?”
“I really don’t remember it all too clearly yet. Not sure I want to.”
“Yeah, you’ve been part way down that demon road before, haven’t you? You ever stop to think about why Sam was so understanding about you being addicted to using the Blade?”
“No, not too much, I was kinda under the influence, the Mark and all that.”
“Under the influence? That ring any bells for you?”
“What, like Sam and the demon blood thing?”
“Yeah, Dean, and what did you do when your dear baby brother got himself addicted to something you didn’t understand? You called him a monster, threw him out and told him not to come back. But he did, didn’t he? He always comes back. I have no idea why,” Sam says, trailing off, like he’s run out of a list of hurtful things that he thinks Dean needs to hear.
“Me neither. I never think he’s going to. Or that he should.”
“Not really up to you, though, is it?” Sam asks, with a wan, half-smile that’s still so beautiful Dean feels his heart swelling up with hope, however misplaced it might be.
“Nope, but honestly, sometimes I wish it was,” Dean whispers to a suddenly asleep Sam. He knows any of these versions of Sam would object to that, but it’s true. He’d choose another life for Sam, one where he could be safe and happy. As this thought passes through his mind, even he calls himself out for lying, that’s not what he’d choose. It’s what he’d think he should choose, but if there’s ever a choice (and even when there’s not) it’s always going to be him and Sam, together like it’s supposed to be.
A shiver passes over him and then Sam at almost the same time, a split-second after Dean’s done with his honest internal conversation. It feels like a million tiny sparks just under the surface of his skin, drawing into his heart and then back out again. The feeling passes in a moment, before he’s able to get too worried, and he sees a small smile form on Sam’s face. Dean doesn’t know if that was magic or what, but it didn’t feel dangerous, it actually felt good. So did being honest with himself, which seems to be a weird thing to notice.
Part 3