On The Fringe Of Lunacy [3/3]

[slashpwnsall]

Title: On The Fringe Of Lunacy
Author: slashpwnsall 
Pairing: Gerard/Bert
Rating: R
POV: Bert's
Summary: "Take All Of Me"
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the people mentioned in this story. I did not
write Lunacy Fringe
Author Notes:For those of you who have never been to Brisbane here is the so
called 'Suncorp clock' mentioned in this story.
Warnings: Drug/alcohol abuse, suicide, kissing, swearing.

Wake Up My Love

I've Been Running On Empty

  Eventually I had to pull myself together and get ready to go onstage. There wasn’t really much preparing to be done apart from drying my eyes and sucking on a throat lozenge after all the smoking I’d been doing. Mostly, all I could do was go out onto the stage and just try to forget about everything, losing myself in the thousands of people screaming for us.

A few minutes before we had to go on I grabbed Quinn’s hand and made him turn to face me. “I’m sorry about what I said before… You’re right; I am losing it… But losing you guys is only gonna make everything a thousand times worse,” I said honestly. “I didn’t mean to be such a bitch to you before.”

“Come on Bert… Don’t go all fucking sissy on me,” Quinn retorted.

I didn’t really know if he was kidding or if he was just trying to piss me off. Either way I resisted the urge to smash that cute little upturned nose into a pulp and instead let out a heavy sigh, continuing my apology. “Look, you know I didn’t mean what I said or the way I acted… It’s just hard, you know; I keep getting worked up thins and because I can’t have anything to take it away I kinda end up taking things out in a way I end up really regretting like yelling at some poor kid who dropped the pen he had when he was asking me for an autograph, crying, punching shit and worst of all snapping at you guys for absolutely no reason.”

Quinn looked thoroughly surprised that hadn’t snapped at him and stood gaping at me for almost a minute.

“What?” I muttered awkwardly, “People are always telling me to take responsibility for my actions…”

“Yeah,” He cut me off, “But no one ever expects you to listen.”

I could have taken offence to that statement. I probably should have… But when I took a moment to consider I realized that it was nothing but the truth. I could always be expected to put myself first and expect everyone else to deal with it.

Most of the time anyone who was important to me managed to put up with it but there was that one time when I pushed someone as far as they could possibly go… And then further.

All he’d wanted to do was one thing to help himself and his band; something he needed to do to save their careers and even his own life. And all I could think about was how it would affect me. I more or less tried to talk him out of saving his own life just to make mine a little bit more exciting for a while… Hell I tried to force him not to.

I was so fucking furious the day he left, leaving only a less than kind note on the vacated side of the bed. For the first time in so long someone had failed to let me have my own way.

I really should have seen it coming.

But instead of learning my lesson back then while I still had the chance to make amends I turned back to the hideous drugs that had gotten me into so much shit in the first place.

Once my anger at not getting what I wanted died down a bit the harsh reality began to set in; I’d ruined what could have been a lifelong relationship and I’d learnt in the absolute worst possible way that people weren’t always going to build their lives around me.

With the realization that he was never even going to talk to me until I could become what he defined as a better person I began to rely on the drugs more and more to help me last through the day without having to think about what I’d done. I knew deep down that they were the main thing keeping me from him. If I could have given them up I would have still had a chance with him but instead I took the cowards way out and just kept taking more and more drugs and getting myself so drunk I didn’t even know my own name.

I remember a few times that I’d woken up in the middle of the night in a pool of my own vomit, sweating and shaking, blind to my surroundings, craving my next fix. People tried to help me but all I did was push them away, sometimes even literally. I’ll never forgive myself for breaking Jeph’s nose when he tried to tell me I’d had enough to drink.

I progressively got worse and worse until I found myself in the same essential position as he had been in. I was so dependant on the feelings - or lack of - that I experienced that nothing else even mattered… Not even my own life.

I started not only using the drugs as an escape but thinking of something more. Just to end it all and never have to deal with feeling again. I began self-harming while I was under the influence of drugs or alcohol, watching myself bleed as just a tiny taste of what I could be. For around one week while we were having a break from touring I stayed locked up in my room, high, drunk and bleeding.

The last time I took anything was the day I almost took my life. I swallowed, snorted and injected almost everything I had left in my room and then took a knife and made violent slashes all over my body. I kept cutting myself actually being able to feel myself slipping away until a sudden picture of him came into my mind and I realized what a huge mistake I was making. Somewhere behind the drunk and arrogant as fuck asshole lying on the floor bleeding to death there was a scrawny, innocent twelve year old sitting on his bed, playing guitar and desperately trying to write lyrics in hope of one day become a famous rock star. Drugs and alcohol were never a thing that crossed his mind.

My first reaction was to call for help; hoping that someone would still want to help me. I grabbed the phone and dialed Quinn’s number, praying that he would pick up. He seemed shocked to hear me on the line at four o’clock on the morning considering I’d been ignoring his calls all week. I barely had the time to choke out an apology before he hung up the phone, muttering that he’d be right there.

He showed up only a few minutes later, shortly followed by Jeph. They did everything they could straight away to stop the bleeding and then for the rest of the night they took it in turns to hold my shaking hand and try and calm me down while the other cleaned my cuts. At one point they made me lean over the edge of the bed and shoved something down my throat to prompt me to throw up into the carefully positioned garbage bin. I groaned as a disgusting mixture of beer, vodka and shitloads of pills was forced back up leaving an aching burn in my throat.

Once I’d rinsed my mouth out with the mouthwash Jeph had given me I was tucked into bed and they both lay down on either side of me, calming me down until I finally passed out, having not slept for what felt like an eternity.

For the next few days they treated me like a sick three year old. They took me back to Quinn’s place to get away from the room I’d been trapped in and then waited on me day and night, bringing me anything I wanted and counselling me, forcing me to talk about what had happened before it had the chance to happen all over again.

They called John Feldman and explained what had happened. He came to see us straight away and while he was there, I figured, was the best time to shock everyone by announcing that I was going to give up drugs and alcohol forever.

Jeph stood and stared at me for ages while Quinn hugged me so tightly I could practically feel my eyes popping out of my head.

“I love you Quinn,” I muttered, launching my self at him and wrapping my arms tightly around his shocked body.

“Aww… I love you to Bert,” He replied after a while, returning the hug. “I did kind of over react a bit. It wasn’t so much that you hurt me… I know, well at least I hope, you didn’t mean that. It was just that what you said about wanting drugs kinda scared the shit out of me and I didn’t know what to do. I really did mean what I said about looking up to you.” I smiled softly into his shoulder, “It’s alright, I don’t really need drugs… I’ll just listen to you whinge about everything instead.”

***

The concert that night turned out to be absolutely amazing. The tension between Jeph and me was resolved when Quinn grabbed that back of both our heads and forced our mouths together, earning him a nice bitch slap from Dan.

The only thing that got to me all night was that fucking kid with the hoodie. He was right in the front row all night, clinging to the barricade so he wouldn’t disappear into the crowd and just stood there and watched me the entire time.

At one point someone ran into him really hard from behind and his hood slipped down but was pulled back up very hastily. With all the mad lighting going on I could barely even see his face and only caught the tiniest glimpse of pale skin and short black hair. And honestly, that description could fit at least half the guys in the crowd.

Just before we went offstage before the encore, which I changed from ‘On My Own’ to ‘Blue And Yellow’ as an apology to Quinn, I saw Hoodie Kid pull out an extremely expensive looking phone and send a text message to someone.

I had to slap myself in the face and repeat over and over in my mind that it was complete coincidence that I received another anonymous text message only a matter of seconds later.

“I’m so far gone now. Do you wanna take me on?”

***

After hanging around backstage for a while and meeting a few fans I went straight back to the motel, exhausted. I showered and changed quickly into my pyjamas and then collapsed straight into bed. I was so tired, all I wanted to do was close my eyes and fall instantly into a peaceful slumber. No such luck.

After about twenty minutes of tossing and turning I groaned, grabbing my cigarettes and heading out onto the balcony to clear my mind a bit. When I was about halfway through my second cigarette I heard the beeping of my phone inside, signalling that I had yet another message. I sighed irritably and placed my half finished cigarette in the provided ash tray, trudging inside to get my phone. I kept my head down, reading the message as I walked back outside.

“I think you could make me. You could make me take my life.”

I read over the message about ten times before finally looking up, my eyes instantly going to the Suncorp clock. Only this time I saw something extremely out of place on top of the building. Someone was standing up there facing straight towards the building I was in.

The person appeared to be wearing all black clothing, making it extremely difficult to see them but I think the thing that caught my attention was the tiny flash of bright light that very reminded me a lot of the lights I see from people’s cell phones during concerts.

I looked down once again at the screen of my phone and completely froze. Hoodie Kid… At the show, sending a message only seconds before I received one, following me around all of the previous day and now there was this guy on top of the Suncorp clock doing something with his phone right as I was reading a message about suicide... It was way too much for me to pass off as merely a coincidence; the way the guy always stood, acting casual but still looking a tiny bit out of place, always fiddling nervously with those pale, bony hands… And the way he managed to catch my eyes like only one person could…

Without a second thought, without even bothering to stop and think how impractical I was being, I turned and sprinted from the room. I stood in the hallway, jabbing the elevator button until the doors open and I got in, going straight to the ground floor.

There were a bunch of kids in Used t-shirts standing around in the lobby, bugging the receptionist for our room numbers but I just sprinted straight through the middle of them, ignoring everything they called after me.

It seemed like forever before I reached where I needed to be and when I finally did I found the door was locked and there were no lights on. I looked around desperately for any other way in but couldn’t find anything.

I glanced around frantically to make sure there was no one else around then scrunched my eyes shut and kicked the glass as hard as I possibly could. By the time I had the hole big enough to get through I could hear alarms going off all throughout the building and I had to break another door in order to access the stairs.

I ran, bare feet, aching and bleeding, chest heaving, up all twenty six floors of the building then had to break yet another door to get up onto the rooftop.

As soon as the cool night air hit my face the sound of sirens hit my ears and the site of Hoodie Kid met my eyes.

“Heard about your little accident.”

I gasped when I heard the voice, feeling like my feet were glued to the concrete floor and my jaw was permanently wedged open.

“Gerard…”

“I guess you know how it all feels now,” He continued, turning slowly to face me, letting the hood fall back and expose that all too familiar face.

I was starting to get scared by how close he was standing to the edge but to my relief he began to make his way slowly over to me, not stopping until he was close enough for me to feel his breath on my face.

“Do you have anything left to say to me?” He asked softly. We were so close I could practically feel the warmth radiating from his body.

I knew there were probably a million things I should have said to him but I decided to just start with the simplest, “I’m sorry,” I whispered. My voice came out slight and choked and I had to try with everything I had not to break down and start sobbing all over him.

“Sorry for what, Bert?” He spat venomously. “Sorry for what you did to me? Or sorry for the consequences you suffered because of it?”

That hurt… That really fucking hurt. And he knew it perfectly well. As much as I didn’t want to lie to him I still didn’t want to have to admit that I was split between being sorry for hurting him and being sorry for how much hurting him had hurt me.

“There’s no point trying to lie to me Bert… I know it’s an unfortunate habit of yours but trust me, I can see right through it.”

“Both,” I said honestly, not moving my gaze from his own.

I saw the corners of his mouth turn up in a slight smirk, “I don’t know which side of you I feel worse for you, drunk and aggressive or sober and pathetic.”

I knew exactly what he meant by pathetic when I felt tears begin to gather in the corners of my eyes, a tiny, barely audible whimper escaping my lips.

He knew how hopeless I’d become without either him or alcohol. I could tell that he’d been spying on me, one way or another; that was why I’d kept receiving all those text messages at exactly the wrong moments.

I wanted so badly to say something… anything. But nothing came to mind. Anything I said along the lines of an apology or accusations of things being his fault would be completely redundant by now.

“I love you,” I whispered, shakily. I didn’t mean to say it out loud, really I didn’t. It just slipped, and the next thing I knew I’d taken it yet another step too far and my lips were on his, barely even enough to be considered there.

My entire body froze as I opened my eyes to see his stunned face as my lips remained on his. I was sure I’d gone too far but to my absolute shock he threw his arms around my body and pressed his lips harder against my own.

After a while of kissing he began to push me slowly backwards, prying my lips apart with his tongue. I followed blindly, letting myself be directed wherever he wanted me.

All I was focused on was the fact that he was there and could stand to be near me, let alone kissing me. I felt myself being pushed backwards against something and was gently lifted to sit up on it.

Without warning I was shoved roughly backwards and opened my eyes to find myself hanging over the edge of the building with nothing to hang onto but Gerard’s hand.

I stared into his perfectly calm face, my eyes wide with horror.

“How does it feel for you Bert? Not afraid are you?”

“Wh-what do you mean?” I stuttered, silently praying that my hand would stop perspiring.

“Someone you think you love holding your life in their hands... You did the same thing to me.”

“I didn’t mean…”

“How about when you thought you wanted to kill yourself… You got scared and had to call for help…” He stopped there, carefully studying my facial expression.

He could obviously tell I wanted to say something but I didn’t dare offend him while he was holding me twenty-six stories above the ground with one hand. “Go ahead and say what you want. I’m not going to drop you… Yet,” He smirked.

“You did the same thing… You got scared… You called Brian…” I said, trying to disregard the last part of what he’d said and the slightly insane looking smirk on his face. I could almost swear he laughed just then.

“Oh but it’s such a different situation, you see, you were trying to escape from everything. All I had to get away from was you. I didn’t need to end my life to accomplish that. Like I said Bert, you’re a liar. You can try all you want to build up your tough guy look and talk about how you’re not afraid of death… Or anything... But I’ll always see through it.”

“So why did you come back? Why did you follow me around and send all those text messages if you needed to get away from me?” I asked.

He flashed me a grin that sent chills up my spine and reached out with his other hand to haul me back up. Shaking so badly I could barely stand up, I leaned against him for support.

“But I want to be with you,” He said softly, running his hands over the front of my hoodie, smiling when he recognized it. “I know it won’t work so I came up with a better solution.”

He kissed me softly and moved away, back to the edge of the rooftop, climbing up onto the same area I’d just been suspended from. “I’ve tried so hard to make a life away from you Bert… But money and fame can only get a person so far… I need you. You’re the only person in the world who can make it come to this; make me break and want to take my life,” He said, sounding slightly hysterical as he repeated more of my own words to me.

Suddenly I knew exactly what was going on. I tried to grab him but he shoved me roughly backwards, diving for the edge of the building. Without even thinking I almost dived after him, just catching one of his hands and barely hanging onto the edge of the roof.

I scrunched my eyes shut as the rough concrete tore through the skin of my hand. I opened my eyes and instantly regretted it. The two of us were hanging 387 feet above the ground and the only thing holding us there was my left hand.

I looked down at him to see a small smile spread across his face. Things were obviously going exactly as he had planned. "How much do you love me?" He asked.

"I don't think now is exactly the best time for that conversation..."

"Now's the perfect time. If you don't really love me then I can let go... If you do love me then you can let go..."

I instinctively gripped his hand tighter with those words. "I love you enough to almost kill myself because I couldn't have you, enough to give up drugs and have to deal with the pain of not being able to have you and enough to be here right now. How much is enough to redeem myself?”

He shook his head, the smile disappearing from his face, “It'll never be the same, you know," He said softly.

Honestly, he was starting to creep me out a bit with the way he was changing the subject every two seconds and barely making any sense. Not to mention the fact that he could predict almost everything I was about to say or do. I never though I was that transparent.

"We can't just go back to lying out under the stars talking about how much we love each other. We’ve done too much that can’t be taken back…”

I used every ounce of strength I had to pull him up. He got the idea pretty quickly and wrapped his arms around my body, pulling himself up so his face was level with my own, “Why the fuck can’t we?” I asked, “Why can’t we put it behind us, start over?”

He shook his head slowly, “We’ve both already done that before. But you can’t ask me to forget about what I’ve done. I don’t want to be Gerard Way - The Black Parade anymore… I just wanna be Gerard and Bert and nothing else. But we can’t stop being famous, we can’t just be normal people. And you… Even if you tried for all you’re worth Bert, you’ll never change. You’ve told so many fucking lies since I left you… You can’t just take it all back…”

“Well what do you propose we do then?” I snapped, feeling my arm begin to burn from the constant strain.

Without a word he pressed his lips against mine, kissing tenderly. I wanted to push him away but that wasn’t exactly an option in the current position. I bit down hard on his lower lip, causing his head to jerk away. The abrupt movement caused my hand to slip a little further and I gasped out loud, almost able to feel what little colour was left in my face drain out as blood began to trickle from the palm of my hand, down my arm.

“You know… If you’d never stated otherwise I’d honestly believe you’re afraid to die,” He said casually, “And maybe even to bleed… Just from what I’ve heard about your pathetic little suicide attempt,” He added harshly, wiping the small trickle of blood from my arm. “It’s amazing, really, how you can go on and on about how fake you think I am when you yourself are worse. You’re a liar Bert. You’re afraid of everything. And you have no idea what you want.”

I scrunched my eyes shut tightly trying to will the tears away. I couldn’t let myself cry… Not in front of him.

I tried to say something to him, tried to open my mouth and reason but all I could manage to get out was a strangled sob as my hand slipped further and I was holding us up with just my fingertips. “I want you,” I choked out, “I know better than anyone all the shit that I’ve done and the lies that I’ve told but that’s one thing I’m certain of. I love you.”

He smiled again, placing a delicate kiss on the corner of my mouth, proceeding to breathe his next words into my ear, “I love you too Bert… Just let go.”

It sent chills down my spine, feeling, rather than hearing his words in my ear, knowing that he was encouraging me, telling me to let him die.

“You’re fucking losing it Gerard,” I whispered, scrunching my eyes shut as he leaned in to kiss away the tears.

“I already lost it,” He breathed, “Years ago,” He added, accompanying his words with a sad smile as he moved his lips back to my own.

I shook my head, sobbing pathetically, hating myself for being so weak and afraid. I knew I couldn’t hold on for much longer and he definitely wasn’t helping as he raised a hand and cupped it around my jaw, forcing me to look into his eyes.

“Let go and we can be together… Let go and take all of me…”

I let my hand slip, immediately moving it to wrap around him, pressing our lips together and scrunching my eyes shut. The last thing I heard was the soft whisper in my ear, scarcely detectable over the roaring sound of the wind as we plummeted.

“Take all of me.”