fic: Right on Target
Title: Right on Target
Author: slacker_d
Pairing/Characters: Rachel/Santana, Puck, Brittany, Tina, Artie, Kurt, Mercedes
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Puck, Rachel, Santana and Brittany teach themselves axe throwing.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: ~4,300
Spoilers: Nope.
A/N: Takes place a week after That Went Well. Everything I know about axe throwing I learned from Wikipedia and Wreckreation Nation.
2nd A/N: Unbeta’ed, so all mistakes are mine.
series masterlist
Puck is excited. It's been a couple weeks since he's had a bro night with Rachel. And the last few bro nights with Rachel have been mellow, which is cool, but he's been itching for something different.
He stumbled onto the idea earlier in the week. He'd been online, looking up porn. However, once he saw it, the need to seen naked chicks vanished, for the moment. He began researching, a trait learned from Rachel, and planning.
By the time Friday rolls around, he has everything he needs. Eager to get started, he tosses everything in his truck and heads over to Rachel's.
…
Arriving at Rachel's Puck jumps out of his truck, runs into the house and up the stairs. He throws Rachel's bedroom door open. "What up bro and hos?"
"Watch it Puckerman," Santana growls
"Noah, have you lost all your manners?" Rachel chastises.
"So I figured out what we're doing tonight, Rach," Puck says, ignoring them both.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Come on, I need to get some stuff out of my truck."
They all follow him downstairs and outside. Opening the back, Puck gleefully pulls out a large axe.
"Becoming a serial killer are we?" Santana asks wryly.
"You're going to chop down trees?" Brittany asks.
"Axe throwing," Puck exclaims. "I got a couple of axes and the target." He points to the large circular piece of wood lying in the bed of the truck.
"Seriously?" Santana questions. "You know how to throw axes?"
"I know the basic principals," Puck answers. "I just need a place to practice and Rach has the huge fenced in yard which she already uses for knife throwing.
"If that's what you want to do, Noah," Rachel says. "But no drinking until we're done."
"I'm no dope. I know that much, at least."
"We're totally staying," Santana pipes up.
"What was that Santana?" Rachel asks.
"There's no way in hell that you two are learning to throw axes and not include me."
"I'm fine with that," Rachel says. "Britt?"
"Sounds like fun, Rach."
"Yeah. All right. But then you owe me beer, Lopez." Puck tells her.
"Fine. B and I will go get some while you guys set up. Deal?"
Puck nods.
Santana and Brittany climb into Sananta's car and speed out of the driveway.
"I wish you guys would drive more safely," Rachel comments.
Puck just shrugs and pulls out the wood target. "You still have the wagon?"
Rachel nods. "For the target?"
"For the bag," Puck answers, pointing to the large duffel bag next to the target.
Rachel nods and digs the wagon out of the garage. Puck dumps the blue bag on it. Rachel leads Puck into the backyard, pulling the wagon, while he rolls the target after her.
They pick a corner and Puck leans the target against the fence. He then opens the bag and pulls out the legs, a hammer and nails.
"I figure we could just keep the target here for whenever," he tells Rachel. He then begins attaching the legs.
Rachel meanwhile is digging in the bag. Inside she finds four axes and two hatchets. There are two different sizes of axes.
"I figure the large ones might be tough for you, bro," Puck explains. "So I got two sizes."
"Aw, Noah, that's so sweet."
"I have my moments."
…
By the time Santana and Brittany have returned and put the beer in the fridge, everything is ready.
"So how do we do this, Puckerman?" Santana asks.
"Simple." He picks up a large axe and lines himself up with the target. He then lifts it over his head so that the head of the axe is the same height as his shoulders. After taking a couple of breaths, he lifts his arms and throws the axe. It misses the target by a few inches and lodges into the fence.
"That's it?"
"Pretty much."
Santana goes to pick the other large axe, but is beaten to it by Brittany. The blonde walks to the throw line and sets herself up. They all watch as she releases and hits the target dead center.
"Damn…" Puck mutters.
"Do that again," Santana says.
Puck pulls the axe out of the target and the other out of the fence and brings it back to Brittany.
She sets herself up again and lets go. This time, it hits just to the right of the target.
"Whoa," Puck says.
Santana goes to pull the axe out and takes it to the throwing line. She sets up and lets go. It hits the third ring in with a thud.
"All right, I'm next before you chicks start to get too good at this," Puck says, grabbing the axe from the target. He walks to the throw line and sets himself up. This time, the axe hits the target with a thud. "Better." He then returns to the target and yanks it from the fourth circle on the target.
Rachel is next and so she grabs the smaller axe. Standing at the line she tries to copy what the others did and lets go. It's smaller size makes it spin faster and it embeds itself near the center.
"That's my girl," Santana says.
They each take turns until they're getting near the bullseye almost every time. Brittany is the only one that can actually hit the bullseye consistently though. Both Puck and Santana try the smaller axes and have more difficulty. But when Rachel tries the larger axe, she almost injuries herself.
When they try the hatchets, it's a different experience. Because of the severe weight change, they end up over throwing quite a bit. Maybe because she's used to the smaller axe, or because of her knife throwing experience, Rachel hits the bullseye again and again.
"Why the hell are you two so good at this?" Puck asks Rachel and Brittany.
"You guys are trying too hard," Brittany says. "Just go with the flow."
"The Zen art of axe throwing?" Santana questions.
"Basically."
…
Puck manages to convince Rachel to really drink with them to celebrate how well they did throwing the axes. Though she'll indulge more often than she used to, it still takes a bit of convincing.
Santana went a little overboard with her beer run, managing to get two cases of beer. Puck is beyond impressed and says so. And continues to say so throughout the night as he gets drunker.
They're well into their second case of beer and watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail when Brittany exclaims, "We should make a castle."
"Like a model?" Rachel asks.
"No, like the four of us should do a prank together," Brittany explains. "And we should turn the school into a castle."
"Yeah," Puck says. "And we can make it so no one can get in. Maybe have a moat and a drawbridge."
"And a catapult that actually works," Santana adds.
"And cannons," Puck adds.
"Okay," Rachel says.
"Okay?" Santana asks.
"Yes, okay. But I'm not doing all the work. You guys are helping."
"Of course," Brittany says.
"Anything you say, bro."
They spend the rest of the night coming up with plans. When they all finally crawl into Rachel's bed, she has half a notebook filled with ideas, notes and plans.
…
The next morning after visiting the bathroom, Rachel picks the notebooks off her desk and flips through it. Despite the drunken state they thought of everything in, a lot of it makes sense to her.
There's plenty that doesn't. At one point Noah had grabbed it from her and drawn what looks like to her a cow being run over by a truck in the middle of a kitchen. She's pretty sure that's not what it is.
There are notes and ideas from all of them. She can make out all the different handwriting and shakes her head at the chaos of it all. They really are a bad influence on her.
Looking over at the tangle of limbs still curled under her blankets, she wouldn't have it any other way. Besides she's influencing them as well, she thinks as she remembers Brittany's use of the words lackadaisical and trepidation the night before.
She's tempted to crawl back into bed and join the cuddle fest; it sounds lovely, but her mind's racing now and she knows there's no going back to sleep. Instead, she leaves the trio sleeping and goes downstairs for some coffee.
…
Santana wakes up being spooned by Puckerman with Brittany curled into her chest. For a moment she's confused. She knows she drank a lot, but she's pretty sure she didn't have a threesome. She elbows Puck and he grunts but lets go of her and she's able to sit up.
Looking around Rachel's room, there are no signs of her girlfriend. However, the smell of coffee tells Santana where she might find Rachel. Crawling over Brittany, she heads downstairs.
She finds Rachel sipping coffee, eating orange slices and making notes in the notebook she has vague memories of from last night.
"Morning."
"Good morning, San," Rachel says without looking up. "There's coffee and fruit as usual."
"Thanks." Santana pours herself some coffee and joins Rachel at the table. "What are you doing?"
"Going over the ideas from last night," Rachel replies. "I know we came up with them in a drunken stupor, but I'm starting to think this is really doable."
"Seriously?" Santana asks. "Because I have vague memories of there being talk of a catapult that launches cows like Monty Python."
"I do as well. But that doesn't mean the rest of the ideas aren't sound."
"I guess."
"And I think it would be quite enjoyable for the four of us to attempt this," Rachel continues. "And honestly, I'd like to pull this because Figgins is annoying the piss out of me with his constant questioning."
"Except that every time you do another prank, it results in you being questioned again," Santana points out.
"True," Rachel agrees. "I'm thinking of going to Coach Sylvester for assistance on how to deal with him."
"She'd go with blackmail."
"That's probably true." Rachel stands up and pours herself more coffee. "Maybe I'll have to come up with a plan of my own."
"If anyone can get him to back down, it's you, babe."
…
Brittany stumbles downstairs about twenty minutes later, followed by Puck soon after. They drink coffee and talk about the reality of turning McKinley High School into an impenetrable fortress.
"I swear, Rach," Puck says. "I'll do my share. Honest. Because there's no way we're not doing this. It's going to be fucking epic."
"Pucky's right, Rachel," Brittany adds. "We have to do this. The prankster will go down as a legend."
"Yeah, too bad we won't get credit," Santana says.
"Eventually," Rachel says.
"What's that mean?"
"It means that one day everyone will know," Rachel replies. "When we no longer have to worry about suspension or any of that nonsense."
"You have a plan," Puck grins.
"Don't I always?"
…
When Brittany and Noah leave a couple hours later, they have a solid plan. It's going to take a few days to get everything together, but Rachel's confident they can pull it off. Normally, she'd worry about Noah's reliability, but when it comes to causing mayhem he's incredibly dependable.
"The real question is are we going to be able to get a hold of everything we need," Santana says, looking over Rachel's list.
"I have faith in us," Rachel replies. "I mean, the stuff we knew we couldn't get a hold of is off the list, isn't it?"
"True."
"What?"
"I just can't believe we're really going to try this," Santana says.
"Are you doubting us?" Rachel asks. "More so, are you doubting my planning skills?"
"I would never."
"It'll work, San," Rachel says. "And then we'll be legends. Knowing we pulled it off will make the rest of the time we spend in this one horse town worth it."
"One horse town?"
"Shut up and kiss me," Rachel tells her, pushing Santana onto her bed.
…
Rachel's mildly apprehensive about school this morning, though she keeps it to herself. The week before had been odd. Finn spent a lot of time staring at her with either a dejected expression or anxiousness. Kurt and Mercedes tip toe around her like she's an explosion waiting to happen. Quinn's been nicer, for Quinn, which mostly means no more ridiculous cruel nicknames. Figgins pulled her into his office daily and Mr. Schue has been keeping his distance.
She's hoping that enough time will pass and their concerns will fade. There just needs to be something else crazy or dramatic for them to worry about. Rachel kind of hopes that this huge prank they have planned will help.
…
Tuesday, Artie is surprised when Brittany approaches him before lunch, requesting he meet her in the choir room. His mind is going nuts trying to figure out what she might want.
When he arrives, he's surprised her waiting with a notebook, pen and very serious expression on her face.
"You wanted to talk?" he asks.
Brittany nods. "I, um, need help making a remote control."
"You mean like for the TV?"
"More like I want to turn something on and off from across the room."
"Uh… Why?"
"Because."
"Okay," Artie says. "Um, so you want me to like draw it out?"
"Yeah. Thanks."
Artie takes the notebook and starts drawing things out. "So you want like an on and off switch or more like a remote control car?"
"Like a remote control car."
"Uh, okay." And he goes back to drawing.
"Thanks, Artie," Brittany says, kissing him on the cheek. "You're the best."
Blushing slightly, Artie replies, "You're welcome."
…
The week passes quicker than usual. Between their usual worries and trying to acquire various ridiculous things, it seems like the four days pass in a flash.
This is especially true for Rachel who has to obtain some of the more difficult items. She's not complaining. She knows how to get a hold of odd things. There's plenty of other stuff that Noah is better at finding. She figures it evens out.
However, she's beginning to think this is going to be the last elaborate prank she pulls for a while. All this prep is a lot of work. And there's still the set up to worry about. Thursday is going to be a very long day.
…
After glee, Puck follows Santana to Rachel's. It's going to take a lot of work to pull this thing off and so they need time to get everything ready. Puck backs his truck into the garage so they can load things in it without being seen. The rest they throw in Rachel's car. There's a lot to remember and Rachel checks and double checks her lists.
"You worry too much," Santana says.
"I'm very thorough," Rachel replies. "Besides, if we forget anything, I'm going to be very annoyed. I assume you will be as well."
"Well, yeah, that's true, I guess."
"Too much anticipation, I think," Brittany comments.
"Mostly likely," Rachel says.
"We should take a nap," Brittany suggests.
"You want to sleep? Now?" Puck asks.
"We won't be able to later," Brittany shrugs. "This is going to take a long time. I just figured a bit of sleep can't hurt."
"She's not wrong," Rachel agrees. "I know we're all a bit restless, but I think we should try."
"Well, I'll never say no to crawling into bed with three hot chicks," Puck says.
"Fine. Seems it's unanimous," Santana says, following Rachel up the stairs.
"It's a good idea, San," Brittany says, behind her.
"I doubt I'll be able to fall asleep," Santana replies.
"Then we'll all just rest our eyes," Rachel tells her.
"What are you? Ninety years old?" Santana questions.
"Keep talking like that and you can cuddle with Noah," Rachel teases.
…
When Rachel's alarm goes off a few hours later, everyone is surprised to find that they did in fact fall asleep.
They get up and Puck goes into the bathroom to change while the rest of them do so in Rachel's room.
Once they're dressed and ready, Rachel and Brittany head into the kitchen while Puck and Santana go over everything in the garage one more time.
"You're kinda like a boy scout," Brittany tells Rachel as she watches her throw bottles of water into a backpack.
"I just like to be prepared."
"I'm going to make you a T-shirt that says that," Brittany replies.
"You are?" Rachel asks. "I didn't know you knew how to do that."
Brittany shrugs. "I'd figure it out."
…
They park near the back of the school where it's almost pitch dark. There's a part of Rachel that's frightened right now because there could be anyone or anything hiding in the darkness they're deliberately walking into. But the sound of Puck unlatching the back of his truck, snaps her out of it and she goes to help him and Santana as Brittany picks the lock.
Most of the things they want to do need to be done to the outside of the school, but the only way they figured they wouldn't be seen is to do it from the roof. So once Brittany has the door open, she and Rachel go to find the door to the roof. Rachel's got a small backpack swung over her shoulder.
The biggest problem they have is how to get everything onto the roof. But having already gotten something ridiculous onto the top of the building, Rachel isn't concerned. She was able to get the catapult up there and it was just her.
She and Brittany quickly get to work setting up several pulleys. By the time they're done, Puck and Santana are ready to start sending things up. Load after load, is pulled up until everything that needs to be is atop the school.
That is only the first step. Puck and Santana join Rachel and Brittany and they begin setting everything up. The front of the school becomes a castle with it's very own working drawbridge. They put up fake looking torrents and a donjon. They set up the catapult as well as a cannon.
Rachel then sets up an odd looking object none of them have seen before.
"What's that, Rach?" Brittany asks.
"It's a launcher. We can really only set up the catapult and cannon two or three times. This can go for as long as it has ammo. And I brought plenty."
"What kind of ammo?" Puck asks.
"Rotten fruit and vegetables," Rachel replies. "Fairly harmless."
Looking over at the large trough of rotten food, Santana asks. "Do I even want to know where you got all that?"
"Most likely not."
Next they set up the remote controls, so they'll be able to set off the catapult or cannon when necessary without actually being on the roof.
Rachel figures any one of them being absent will be very suspicious. Both Puck and Santana tell her she's being paranoid, but neither have had a persistent Finn or pushy Figgins breathing down their necks like she has. It's better to be safe than sorry.
It's nearly dawn when they finally finish. They're exhausted as they slowly make their way back through the school and out the door.
Once they've dropped everything back at Rachel's and changed into less conspicuous clothes, they all drive to a diner that Rachel knows of.
"You found an actual diner that serves vegan?" Santana asks as she parks her car in the nearly parking lot.
"It's interesting what you can find, if you're willing to look for it."
…
Later when they arrive at school, they're greeted by a crowded parking lot and Puck has flashes of when Rachel locked every door in the building. Which they did again; well, the doors on the side of the building. It's impossible to get in through the main doors with the enormous castle drop cloth and drawbridge blocking it.
Tina spots them and waves them over.
"Are we getting a new mascot?" Brittany asks Tina.
"No idea."
"Once again, no one's talking," Artie says. "But seems pretty obvious the prankster struck again."
"Awesome," Puck mutters.
They didn't really get a chance to admire their handiwork. It'd still be rather dark out when they left. Seeing it now, it's rather impressive.
"We're fucking gods," Puck mumbles.
"Hell yeah, we are," Santana mutters back.
And then suddenly there's a loud explosion from the roof and a cannonball comes flying towards the crowd. Everyone begins panicking and running around, trying to get out of its way. Tina, Artie, Rachel, Puck, Santana and Brittany stay where they are and simply watch the descent.
It hits no one, instead smashing onto the pavement and crumbling apart on impact. There's an actually sigh of relief heard as everyone realizes it's hollow.
Everyone turns back to the roof, waiting to see if anything else will happen. There's not disappointed as the cannon explodes again. This time the cannonball explodes in mid air and releases a rather impressive, though small fireworks display.
"Holy crap," Artie says.
"Damn," Santana mutters.
"You think this is some crazy Renaissance club thing?" Kurt asks, as he and Mercedes join them.
"It's the prankster," Artie says. "Has to be. We don't have that kind of funding."
"That's for damn sure," Santana says.
Most people's eyes are still glued to the roof, waiting for more.
This time they hear creaking gears and don't know what to think. However, before anyone can figure out what the noise is, they hear a mooing sound they see a cow flying through the air.
Once again there is panic that the glee kids ignore. They watch the cow fly through the air and crash into the ground, breaking. The cow is, of course, fake.
"Did people really think that was a live cow?" Rachel asks.
"Our peers lack a certain… intelligence, Kurt says.
"Why is this place so ridiculous?" Mercedes questions.
"Least it's not boring," Puck says.
Everyone waits for more and they're not disappointed. This time, a huge red and white ball is launched. Some people run, most stay put, trusting this item to be harmless as well.
Rachel's glad they're near the back. For one, it's easier to see everything. But more importantly, they're out of the catapult's range.
Those who didn't move receive a rude awakening when the ball explodes about eight feet off the ground. Apparently the ball was hallow as well, but was instead filled with grape slushie. It splatters and drips everywhere, leaving dozens of people a wet, sticky mess.
"That's justice," Kurt says.
"It's like it's my birthday, you know," Mercedes adds. "It's such a beautiful gift."
"Good things can happen, it seems," Artie says.
"What about the fruit?" Santana whispers to Rachel.
"Might be out," Rachel whispers back. "I set it up with a motion sensor. When someone gets too close to the school, it goes off."
Santana turns and gapes at her.
Rachel shrugs. "It keeps people away."
"You think of everything," Santana says, sounding awed. "Will you marry me?"
Rachel chuckles. "Glad you approve."
…
They're all sent home after that. When half the school receives a slushie shower, Figgins has no choice. Besides, no one can figure out how to get into the damn building. All the side doors are once again locked from the inside. And if anyone approaches the building, they're met with a rotten tomato to the face. He knows because he'd received several. He desperately wishes he could go home and shower.
…
"Feel better?" Santana asks Rachel as they lounge at her house.
"It was somewhat cathartic, yes," Rachel replies. "But my enjoyment is slightly marred by the knowledge of what I'll have to deal with on Monday."
"What about all that stuff, Rach?" Brittany asks. "How's it going to get back to who it belongs to?"
"Everything's labeled," Rachel tells her. "So hopefully, they'll take the time to return everything to everyone."
"Nice," Puck says. "So we won't have to do it."
"But won't they rat you out?" Santana asks.
"They might," Rachel says. "Or at least they might try. Certainly Figgins will question everyone."
"So what?" Puck asks. "This is like some big ending prank?"
"No, of course not," Rachel replies. "I certainly don't want to be suspended. Besides, after all the absurdity of Figgins pulling me into his office, he'd probably expel me."
"So what? We have to go back and get everything?" Puck asks.
"You guys know me better than that," Rachel chastises. "You really think I'm going to let myself get caught that easily? By Figgins of all people? The only thing worse would be Mr. Schue figuring it out."
"Well?"
"No one knows it was me who obtained things," Rachel answers. "I didn't use my real name."
"But you still have to pick it all up," Santana points out.
"Not really. It's not something I could do by myself. So I had some guys I know go and pick it up for me. They picked it up in a white, non descript van. When questioned, they'll probably remember very little about the pick up guys."
"Who'd you get to pick it up?" Puck asks. "Delivery services are expensive."
"They are indeed," Rachel agrees. "But I know these brothers who are friends of the family. They did it for me. I owe them now, but it's worth it to cover my tracks."
"You owe them? What does that mean?" Santana asks.
"Exactly what it sounds like, San," Rachel replies.
"I don't like how that sounds."
"It won't be like that," Rachel says. "The Saunders brothers aren't like that."
"Oh. Them. Okay."
"Who the hell are they?" Puck asks.
"I shared a dance class with Billy, the youngest. He's only like three years older than me."
"Is there anyone you don't have wrapped around your little finger, Rach?" Brittany asks.
"Hey!" Puck and Santana exclaim.
Rachel just grins.
Author: slacker_d
Pairing/Characters: Rachel/Santana, Puck, Brittany, Tina, Artie, Kurt, Mercedes
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Puck, Rachel, Santana and Brittany teach themselves axe throwing.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: ~4,300
Spoilers: Nope.
A/N: Takes place a week after That Went Well. Everything I know about axe throwing I learned from Wikipedia and Wreckreation Nation.
2nd A/N: Unbeta’ed, so all mistakes are mine.
series masterlist
Puck is excited. It's been a couple weeks since he's had a bro night with Rachel. And the last few bro nights with Rachel have been mellow, which is cool, but he's been itching for something different.
He stumbled onto the idea earlier in the week. He'd been online, looking up porn. However, once he saw it, the need to seen naked chicks vanished, for the moment. He began researching, a trait learned from Rachel, and planning.
By the time Friday rolls around, he has everything he needs. Eager to get started, he tosses everything in his truck and heads over to Rachel's.
…
Arriving at Rachel's Puck jumps out of his truck, runs into the house and up the stairs. He throws Rachel's bedroom door open. "What up bro and hos?"
"Watch it Puckerman," Santana growls
"Noah, have you lost all your manners?" Rachel chastises.
"So I figured out what we're doing tonight, Rach," Puck says, ignoring them both.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Come on, I need to get some stuff out of my truck."
They all follow him downstairs and outside. Opening the back, Puck gleefully pulls out a large axe.
"Becoming a serial killer are we?" Santana asks wryly.
"You're going to chop down trees?" Brittany asks.
"Axe throwing," Puck exclaims. "I got a couple of axes and the target." He points to the large circular piece of wood lying in the bed of the truck.
"Seriously?" Santana questions. "You know how to throw axes?"
"I know the basic principals," Puck answers. "I just need a place to practice and Rach has the huge fenced in yard which she already uses for knife throwing.
"If that's what you want to do, Noah," Rachel says. "But no drinking until we're done."
"I'm no dope. I know that much, at least."
"We're totally staying," Santana pipes up.
"What was that Santana?" Rachel asks.
"There's no way in hell that you two are learning to throw axes and not include me."
"I'm fine with that," Rachel says. "Britt?"
"Sounds like fun, Rach."
"Yeah. All right. But then you owe me beer, Lopez." Puck tells her.
"Fine. B and I will go get some while you guys set up. Deal?"
Puck nods.
Santana and Brittany climb into Sananta's car and speed out of the driveway.
"I wish you guys would drive more safely," Rachel comments.
Puck just shrugs and pulls out the wood target. "You still have the wagon?"
Rachel nods. "For the target?"
"For the bag," Puck answers, pointing to the large duffel bag next to the target.
Rachel nods and digs the wagon out of the garage. Puck dumps the blue bag on it. Rachel leads Puck into the backyard, pulling the wagon, while he rolls the target after her.
They pick a corner and Puck leans the target against the fence. He then opens the bag and pulls out the legs, a hammer and nails.
"I figure we could just keep the target here for whenever," he tells Rachel. He then begins attaching the legs.
Rachel meanwhile is digging in the bag. Inside she finds four axes and two hatchets. There are two different sizes of axes.
"I figure the large ones might be tough for you, bro," Puck explains. "So I got two sizes."
"Aw, Noah, that's so sweet."
"I have my moments."
…
By the time Santana and Brittany have returned and put the beer in the fridge, everything is ready.
"So how do we do this, Puckerman?" Santana asks.
"Simple." He picks up a large axe and lines himself up with the target. He then lifts it over his head so that the head of the axe is the same height as his shoulders. After taking a couple of breaths, he lifts his arms and throws the axe. It misses the target by a few inches and lodges into the fence.
"That's it?"
"Pretty much."
Santana goes to pick the other large axe, but is beaten to it by Brittany. The blonde walks to the throw line and sets herself up. They all watch as she releases and hits the target dead center.
"Damn…" Puck mutters.
"Do that again," Santana says.
Puck pulls the axe out of the target and the other out of the fence and brings it back to Brittany.
She sets herself up again and lets go. This time, it hits just to the right of the target.
"Whoa," Puck says.
Santana goes to pull the axe out and takes it to the throwing line. She sets up and lets go. It hits the third ring in with a thud.
"All right, I'm next before you chicks start to get too good at this," Puck says, grabbing the axe from the target. He walks to the throw line and sets himself up. This time, the axe hits the target with a thud. "Better." He then returns to the target and yanks it from the fourth circle on the target.
Rachel is next and so she grabs the smaller axe. Standing at the line she tries to copy what the others did and lets go. It's smaller size makes it spin faster and it embeds itself near the center.
"That's my girl," Santana says.
They each take turns until they're getting near the bullseye almost every time. Brittany is the only one that can actually hit the bullseye consistently though. Both Puck and Santana try the smaller axes and have more difficulty. But when Rachel tries the larger axe, she almost injuries herself.
When they try the hatchets, it's a different experience. Because of the severe weight change, they end up over throwing quite a bit. Maybe because she's used to the smaller axe, or because of her knife throwing experience, Rachel hits the bullseye again and again.
"Why the hell are you two so good at this?" Puck asks Rachel and Brittany.
"You guys are trying too hard," Brittany says. "Just go with the flow."
"The Zen art of axe throwing?" Santana questions.
"Basically."
…
Puck manages to convince Rachel to really drink with them to celebrate how well they did throwing the axes. Though she'll indulge more often than she used to, it still takes a bit of convincing.
Santana went a little overboard with her beer run, managing to get two cases of beer. Puck is beyond impressed and says so. And continues to say so throughout the night as he gets drunker.
They're well into their second case of beer and watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail when Brittany exclaims, "We should make a castle."
"Like a model?" Rachel asks.
"No, like the four of us should do a prank together," Brittany explains. "And we should turn the school into a castle."
"Yeah," Puck says. "And we can make it so no one can get in. Maybe have a moat and a drawbridge."
"And a catapult that actually works," Santana adds.
"And cannons," Puck adds.
"Okay," Rachel says.
"Okay?" Santana asks.
"Yes, okay. But I'm not doing all the work. You guys are helping."
"Of course," Brittany says.
"Anything you say, bro."
They spend the rest of the night coming up with plans. When they all finally crawl into Rachel's bed, she has half a notebook filled with ideas, notes and plans.
…
The next morning after visiting the bathroom, Rachel picks the notebooks off her desk and flips through it. Despite the drunken state they thought of everything in, a lot of it makes sense to her.
There's plenty that doesn't. At one point Noah had grabbed it from her and drawn what looks like to her a cow being run over by a truck in the middle of a kitchen. She's pretty sure that's not what it is.
There are notes and ideas from all of them. She can make out all the different handwriting and shakes her head at the chaos of it all. They really are a bad influence on her.
Looking over at the tangle of limbs still curled under her blankets, she wouldn't have it any other way. Besides she's influencing them as well, she thinks as she remembers Brittany's use of the words lackadaisical and trepidation the night before.
She's tempted to crawl back into bed and join the cuddle fest; it sounds lovely, but her mind's racing now and she knows there's no going back to sleep. Instead, she leaves the trio sleeping and goes downstairs for some coffee.
…
Santana wakes up being spooned by Puckerman with Brittany curled into her chest. For a moment she's confused. She knows she drank a lot, but she's pretty sure she didn't have a threesome. She elbows Puck and he grunts but lets go of her and she's able to sit up.
Looking around Rachel's room, there are no signs of her girlfriend. However, the smell of coffee tells Santana where she might find Rachel. Crawling over Brittany, she heads downstairs.
She finds Rachel sipping coffee, eating orange slices and making notes in the notebook she has vague memories of from last night.
"Morning."
"Good morning, San," Rachel says without looking up. "There's coffee and fruit as usual."
"Thanks." Santana pours herself some coffee and joins Rachel at the table. "What are you doing?"
"Going over the ideas from last night," Rachel replies. "I know we came up with them in a drunken stupor, but I'm starting to think this is really doable."
"Seriously?" Santana asks. "Because I have vague memories of there being talk of a catapult that launches cows like Monty Python."
"I do as well. But that doesn't mean the rest of the ideas aren't sound."
"I guess."
"And I think it would be quite enjoyable for the four of us to attempt this," Rachel continues. "And honestly, I'd like to pull this because Figgins is annoying the piss out of me with his constant questioning."
"Except that every time you do another prank, it results in you being questioned again," Santana points out.
"True," Rachel agrees. "I'm thinking of going to Coach Sylvester for assistance on how to deal with him."
"She'd go with blackmail."
"That's probably true." Rachel stands up and pours herself more coffee. "Maybe I'll have to come up with a plan of my own."
"If anyone can get him to back down, it's you, babe."
…
Brittany stumbles downstairs about twenty minutes later, followed by Puck soon after. They drink coffee and talk about the reality of turning McKinley High School into an impenetrable fortress.
"I swear, Rach," Puck says. "I'll do my share. Honest. Because there's no way we're not doing this. It's going to be fucking epic."
"Pucky's right, Rachel," Brittany adds. "We have to do this. The prankster will go down as a legend."
"Yeah, too bad we won't get credit," Santana says.
"Eventually," Rachel says.
"What's that mean?"
"It means that one day everyone will know," Rachel replies. "When we no longer have to worry about suspension or any of that nonsense."
"You have a plan," Puck grins.
"Don't I always?"
…
When Brittany and Noah leave a couple hours later, they have a solid plan. It's going to take a few days to get everything together, but Rachel's confident they can pull it off. Normally, she'd worry about Noah's reliability, but when it comes to causing mayhem he's incredibly dependable.
"The real question is are we going to be able to get a hold of everything we need," Santana says, looking over Rachel's list.
"I have faith in us," Rachel replies. "I mean, the stuff we knew we couldn't get a hold of is off the list, isn't it?"
"True."
"What?"
"I just can't believe we're really going to try this," Santana says.
"Are you doubting us?" Rachel asks. "More so, are you doubting my planning skills?"
"I would never."
"It'll work, San," Rachel says. "And then we'll be legends. Knowing we pulled it off will make the rest of the time we spend in this one horse town worth it."
"One horse town?"
"Shut up and kiss me," Rachel tells her, pushing Santana onto her bed.
…
Rachel's mildly apprehensive about school this morning, though she keeps it to herself. The week before had been odd. Finn spent a lot of time staring at her with either a dejected expression or anxiousness. Kurt and Mercedes tip toe around her like she's an explosion waiting to happen. Quinn's been nicer, for Quinn, which mostly means no more ridiculous cruel nicknames. Figgins pulled her into his office daily and Mr. Schue has been keeping his distance.
She's hoping that enough time will pass and their concerns will fade. There just needs to be something else crazy or dramatic for them to worry about. Rachel kind of hopes that this huge prank they have planned will help.
…
Tuesday, Artie is surprised when Brittany approaches him before lunch, requesting he meet her in the choir room. His mind is going nuts trying to figure out what she might want.
When he arrives, he's surprised her waiting with a notebook, pen and very serious expression on her face.
"You wanted to talk?" he asks.
Brittany nods. "I, um, need help making a remote control."
"You mean like for the TV?"
"More like I want to turn something on and off from across the room."
"Uh… Why?"
"Because."
"Okay," Artie says. "Um, so you want me to like draw it out?"
"Yeah. Thanks."
Artie takes the notebook and starts drawing things out. "So you want like an on and off switch or more like a remote control car?"
"Like a remote control car."
"Uh, okay." And he goes back to drawing.
"Thanks, Artie," Brittany says, kissing him on the cheek. "You're the best."
Blushing slightly, Artie replies, "You're welcome."
…
The week passes quicker than usual. Between their usual worries and trying to acquire various ridiculous things, it seems like the four days pass in a flash.
This is especially true for Rachel who has to obtain some of the more difficult items. She's not complaining. She knows how to get a hold of odd things. There's plenty of other stuff that Noah is better at finding. She figures it evens out.
However, she's beginning to think this is going to be the last elaborate prank she pulls for a while. All this prep is a lot of work. And there's still the set up to worry about. Thursday is going to be a very long day.
…
After glee, Puck follows Santana to Rachel's. It's going to take a lot of work to pull this thing off and so they need time to get everything ready. Puck backs his truck into the garage so they can load things in it without being seen. The rest they throw in Rachel's car. There's a lot to remember and Rachel checks and double checks her lists.
"You worry too much," Santana says.
"I'm very thorough," Rachel replies. "Besides, if we forget anything, I'm going to be very annoyed. I assume you will be as well."
"Well, yeah, that's true, I guess."
"Too much anticipation, I think," Brittany comments.
"Mostly likely," Rachel says.
"We should take a nap," Brittany suggests.
"You want to sleep? Now?" Puck asks.
"We won't be able to later," Brittany shrugs. "This is going to take a long time. I just figured a bit of sleep can't hurt."
"She's not wrong," Rachel agrees. "I know we're all a bit restless, but I think we should try."
"Well, I'll never say no to crawling into bed with three hot chicks," Puck says.
"Fine. Seems it's unanimous," Santana says, following Rachel up the stairs.
"It's a good idea, San," Brittany says, behind her.
"I doubt I'll be able to fall asleep," Santana replies.
"Then we'll all just rest our eyes," Rachel tells her.
"What are you? Ninety years old?" Santana questions.
"Keep talking like that and you can cuddle with Noah," Rachel teases.
…
When Rachel's alarm goes off a few hours later, everyone is surprised to find that they did in fact fall asleep.
They get up and Puck goes into the bathroom to change while the rest of them do so in Rachel's room.
Once they're dressed and ready, Rachel and Brittany head into the kitchen while Puck and Santana go over everything in the garage one more time.
"You're kinda like a boy scout," Brittany tells Rachel as she watches her throw bottles of water into a backpack.
"I just like to be prepared."
"I'm going to make you a T-shirt that says that," Brittany replies.
"You are?" Rachel asks. "I didn't know you knew how to do that."
Brittany shrugs. "I'd figure it out."
…
They park near the back of the school where it's almost pitch dark. There's a part of Rachel that's frightened right now because there could be anyone or anything hiding in the darkness they're deliberately walking into. But the sound of Puck unlatching the back of his truck, snaps her out of it and she goes to help him and Santana as Brittany picks the lock.
Most of the things they want to do need to be done to the outside of the school, but the only way they figured they wouldn't be seen is to do it from the roof. So once Brittany has the door open, she and Rachel go to find the door to the roof. Rachel's got a small backpack swung over her shoulder.
The biggest problem they have is how to get everything onto the roof. But having already gotten something ridiculous onto the top of the building, Rachel isn't concerned. She was able to get the catapult up there and it was just her.
She and Brittany quickly get to work setting up several pulleys. By the time they're done, Puck and Santana are ready to start sending things up. Load after load, is pulled up until everything that needs to be is atop the school.
That is only the first step. Puck and Santana join Rachel and Brittany and they begin setting everything up. The front of the school becomes a castle with it's very own working drawbridge. They put up fake looking torrents and a donjon. They set up the catapult as well as a cannon.
Rachel then sets up an odd looking object none of them have seen before.
"What's that, Rach?" Brittany asks.
"It's a launcher. We can really only set up the catapult and cannon two or three times. This can go for as long as it has ammo. And I brought plenty."
"What kind of ammo?" Puck asks.
"Rotten fruit and vegetables," Rachel replies. "Fairly harmless."
Looking over at the large trough of rotten food, Santana asks. "Do I even want to know where you got all that?"
"Most likely not."
Next they set up the remote controls, so they'll be able to set off the catapult or cannon when necessary without actually being on the roof.
Rachel figures any one of them being absent will be very suspicious. Both Puck and Santana tell her she's being paranoid, but neither have had a persistent Finn or pushy Figgins breathing down their necks like she has. It's better to be safe than sorry.
It's nearly dawn when they finally finish. They're exhausted as they slowly make their way back through the school and out the door.
Once they've dropped everything back at Rachel's and changed into less conspicuous clothes, they all drive to a diner that Rachel knows of.
"You found an actual diner that serves vegan?" Santana asks as she parks her car in the nearly parking lot.
"It's interesting what you can find, if you're willing to look for it."
…
Later when they arrive at school, they're greeted by a crowded parking lot and Puck has flashes of when Rachel locked every door in the building. Which they did again; well, the doors on the side of the building. It's impossible to get in through the main doors with the enormous castle drop cloth and drawbridge blocking it.
Tina spots them and waves them over.
"Are we getting a new mascot?" Brittany asks Tina.
"No idea."
"Once again, no one's talking," Artie says. "But seems pretty obvious the prankster struck again."
"Awesome," Puck mutters.
They didn't really get a chance to admire their handiwork. It'd still be rather dark out when they left. Seeing it now, it's rather impressive.
"We're fucking gods," Puck mumbles.
"Hell yeah, we are," Santana mutters back.
And then suddenly there's a loud explosion from the roof and a cannonball comes flying towards the crowd. Everyone begins panicking and running around, trying to get out of its way. Tina, Artie, Rachel, Puck, Santana and Brittany stay where they are and simply watch the descent.
It hits no one, instead smashing onto the pavement and crumbling apart on impact. There's an actually sigh of relief heard as everyone realizes it's hollow.
Everyone turns back to the roof, waiting to see if anything else will happen. There's not disappointed as the cannon explodes again. This time the cannonball explodes in mid air and releases a rather impressive, though small fireworks display.
"Holy crap," Artie says.
"Damn," Santana mutters.
"You think this is some crazy Renaissance club thing?" Kurt asks, as he and Mercedes join them.
"It's the prankster," Artie says. "Has to be. We don't have that kind of funding."
"That's for damn sure," Santana says.
Most people's eyes are still glued to the roof, waiting for more.
This time they hear creaking gears and don't know what to think. However, before anyone can figure out what the noise is, they hear a mooing sound they see a cow flying through the air.
Once again there is panic that the glee kids ignore. They watch the cow fly through the air and crash into the ground, breaking. The cow is, of course, fake.
"Did people really think that was a live cow?" Rachel asks.
"Our peers lack a certain… intelligence, Kurt says.
"Why is this place so ridiculous?" Mercedes questions.
"Least it's not boring," Puck says.
Everyone waits for more and they're not disappointed. This time, a huge red and white ball is launched. Some people run, most stay put, trusting this item to be harmless as well.
Rachel's glad they're near the back. For one, it's easier to see everything. But more importantly, they're out of the catapult's range.
Those who didn't move receive a rude awakening when the ball explodes about eight feet off the ground. Apparently the ball was hallow as well, but was instead filled with grape slushie. It splatters and drips everywhere, leaving dozens of people a wet, sticky mess.
"That's justice," Kurt says.
"It's like it's my birthday, you know," Mercedes adds. "It's such a beautiful gift."
"Good things can happen, it seems," Artie says.
"What about the fruit?" Santana whispers to Rachel.
"Might be out," Rachel whispers back. "I set it up with a motion sensor. When someone gets too close to the school, it goes off."
Santana turns and gapes at her.
Rachel shrugs. "It keeps people away."
"You think of everything," Santana says, sounding awed. "Will you marry me?"
Rachel chuckles. "Glad you approve."
…
They're all sent home after that. When half the school receives a slushie shower, Figgins has no choice. Besides, no one can figure out how to get into the damn building. All the side doors are once again locked from the inside. And if anyone approaches the building, they're met with a rotten tomato to the face. He knows because he'd received several. He desperately wishes he could go home and shower.
…
"Feel better?" Santana asks Rachel as they lounge at her house.
"It was somewhat cathartic, yes," Rachel replies. "But my enjoyment is slightly marred by the knowledge of what I'll have to deal with on Monday."
"What about all that stuff, Rach?" Brittany asks. "How's it going to get back to who it belongs to?"
"Everything's labeled," Rachel tells her. "So hopefully, they'll take the time to return everything to everyone."
"Nice," Puck says. "So we won't have to do it."
"But won't they rat you out?" Santana asks.
"They might," Rachel says. "Or at least they might try. Certainly Figgins will question everyone."
"So what?" Puck asks. "This is like some big ending prank?"
"No, of course not," Rachel replies. "I certainly don't want to be suspended. Besides, after all the absurdity of Figgins pulling me into his office, he'd probably expel me."
"So what? We have to go back and get everything?" Puck asks.
"You guys know me better than that," Rachel chastises. "You really think I'm going to let myself get caught that easily? By Figgins of all people? The only thing worse would be Mr. Schue figuring it out."
"Well?"
"No one knows it was me who obtained things," Rachel answers. "I didn't use my real name."
"But you still have to pick it all up," Santana points out.
"Not really. It's not something I could do by myself. So I had some guys I know go and pick it up for me. They picked it up in a white, non descript van. When questioned, they'll probably remember very little about the pick up guys."
"Who'd you get to pick it up?" Puck asks. "Delivery services are expensive."
"They are indeed," Rachel agrees. "But I know these brothers who are friends of the family. They did it for me. I owe them now, but it's worth it to cover my tracks."
"You owe them? What does that mean?" Santana asks.
"Exactly what it sounds like, San," Rachel replies.
"I don't like how that sounds."
"It won't be like that," Rachel says. "The Saunders brothers aren't like that."
"Oh. Them. Okay."
"Who the hell are they?" Puck asks.
"I shared a dance class with Billy, the youngest. He's only like three years older than me."
"Is there anyone you don't have wrapped around your little finger, Rach?" Brittany asks.
"Hey!" Puck and Santana exclaim.
Rachel just grins.