Podcast Awards Crack!Fic: The Christmas that Anya Forgot
Instead of just out and out begging for votes at the podcast awards - I figured I'd offer you guys something too.
So PLEASE take 5 minutes and go vote for The Signal and Buffy Between the Lines at the Podcast Awards and then come back here for some Crack!Fic:
Title The Christmas that Anya Forgot
Author sl_podcast
Rating PG-13 (for disturbing imagery)
Word Count
Characters/Pairing (if any) Anyanka/the real Santa
A/N: I own nothing Buffy related and Joss Whedon is master of all.
ANYA: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. He wasn’t always called Santa, but you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney-all true.
DAWN: (smiles hopefully) All true?
ANYA: Well, he doesn’t traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children, but otherwise…
TARA: The reindeer part was nice.
All Anyanka had wanted for Christmas was a small massacre. After all, it was her favorite holiday of the year. Christmas always brought the most inventive of wishes, she blamed Dickens for that. Something about the harsh winter weather and the unfilled promise of comfort and joy made the time exceedingly vengencey.
It came as no surprise that everyone in D'Hoffryn's house was busy. Contrary to popular belief holidays were probably the most vengeful time of the year. Holidays were great times to heighten ALL emotions, not just the good ones.
Anyanka had been so engrossed in her work that she barely noticed Santa. It was Christmas Eve and Anyanka had been plotting how best to fulfill the latest wish ("I wish he'd go get stuffed") and there he was, Santa.
Now you must know Santa is, indeed, an elf. One of the last of his kind actually, or at least that's what Santa tells everyone. Anyanka had no idea if elves had indeed disappeared or had gone underground like most of the trolls she knew. Human beings had no sense, they kept destroying the forests where mythical creatures lived to make room for their stupid mini-malls, their banks, their homes for breaking hearts and, of course, their high priced coffee shops. Anyanka hated it all, but she didn't have time for a critique of modern greed.
"Why, Anyanka..." Santa looked a bit surprised. "I haven't seen you since..."
"Since 1605," Anyanka waved her hand dismissively. "I have no time to catch up right now Kris, there's lives to ruin and wishes to fulfill. Don't you have some small child to eat?"
There was a wince across Kringle's face, an obviously pained expression. "Now, now, Anyanka... you know you're so pretty when you're angry."
Anyanka rolled her eyes and tried to make for the door. But Santa laid a finger along side his nose and poofed in front of her. "Magick? Really?" Anyanka set her hands on her hips. "Kris, I don't have TIME for this. I need to go."
The old elf laid a hand on Anyanka's shoulder. His eyes twinkled like coal, just like the poem said, but Anyanka was unimpressed. "Look Anyanka. You can't spend a night with a guy and then never call."
"It was the 1600's. No one could call." Anyanka pursed her lips together.
"You know what I mean."
Anyanka sighed. "Look Kris, we had a good night. It was bloody and beautiful, but I really must go."
"Come on, I could help." If Anyanka hadn't known better, she would have sworn Santa sounded like a 6 year old. Maybe you are what you eat...
"Help with vengeance?" Anyanka snorted. "Remember the last case you tried to 'help' me with?"
"That was AGES ago Anyanka... and how was I supposed to know that horse was standing there?"
"Vengeance is a woman's work for a reason, Kris." Anyanka turned and started for the back door.
"Come on Anyanka..." Santa followed Anyanka to the back of the house. "We could be so good together."
Anyanka touched her amulet and groaned. "Don't use that line Kris, it's almost as old as you are." And with that she disappeared, leaving Santa to eat alone.
So PLEASE take 5 minutes and go vote for The Signal and Buffy Between the Lines at the Podcast Awards and then come back here for some Crack!Fic:
Title The Christmas that Anya Forgot
Author sl_podcast
Rating PG-13 (for disturbing imagery)
Word Count
Characters/Pairing (if any) Anyanka/the real Santa
A/N: I own nothing Buffy related and Joss Whedon is master of all.
ANYA: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. He wasn’t always called Santa, but you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney-all true.
DAWN: (smiles hopefully) All true?
ANYA: Well, he doesn’t traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children, but otherwise…
TARA: The reindeer part was nice.
All Anyanka had wanted for Christmas was a small massacre. After all, it was her favorite holiday of the year. Christmas always brought the most inventive of wishes, she blamed Dickens for that. Something about the harsh winter weather and the unfilled promise of comfort and joy made the time exceedingly vengencey.
It came as no surprise that everyone in D'Hoffryn's house was busy. Contrary to popular belief holidays were probably the most vengeful time of the year. Holidays were great times to heighten ALL emotions, not just the good ones.
Anyanka had been so engrossed in her work that she barely noticed Santa. It was Christmas Eve and Anyanka had been plotting how best to fulfill the latest wish ("I wish he'd go get stuffed") and there he was, Santa.
Now you must know Santa is, indeed, an elf. One of the last of his kind actually, or at least that's what Santa tells everyone. Anyanka had no idea if elves had indeed disappeared or had gone underground like most of the trolls she knew. Human beings had no sense, they kept destroying the forests where mythical creatures lived to make room for their stupid mini-malls, their banks, their homes for breaking hearts and, of course, their high priced coffee shops. Anyanka hated it all, but she didn't have time for a critique of modern greed.
"Why, Anyanka..." Santa looked a bit surprised. "I haven't seen you since..."
"Since 1605," Anyanka waved her hand dismissively. "I have no time to catch up right now Kris, there's lives to ruin and wishes to fulfill. Don't you have some small child to eat?"
There was a wince across Kringle's face, an obviously pained expression. "Now, now, Anyanka... you know you're so pretty when you're angry."
Anyanka rolled her eyes and tried to make for the door. But Santa laid a finger along side his nose and poofed in front of her. "Magick? Really?" Anyanka set her hands on her hips. "Kris, I don't have TIME for this. I need to go."
The old elf laid a hand on Anyanka's shoulder. His eyes twinkled like coal, just like the poem said, but Anyanka was unimpressed. "Look Anyanka. You can't spend a night with a guy and then never call."
"It was the 1600's. No one could call." Anyanka pursed her lips together.
"You know what I mean."
Anyanka sighed. "Look Kris, we had a good night. It was bloody and beautiful, but I really must go."
"Come on, I could help." If Anyanka hadn't known better, she would have sworn Santa sounded like a 6 year old. Maybe you are what you eat...
"Help with vengeance?" Anyanka snorted. "Remember the last case you tried to 'help' me with?"
"That was AGES ago Anyanka... and how was I supposed to know that horse was standing there?"
"Vengeance is a woman's work for a reason, Kris." Anyanka turned and started for the back door.
"Come on Anyanka..." Santa followed Anyanka to the back of the house. "We could be so good together."
Anyanka touched her amulet and groaned. "Don't use that line Kris, it's almost as old as you are." And with that she disappeared, leaving Santa to eat alone.