Forever & Always - Chapter 02
Title: Forever & Always
Chapter: 02 Broken Dreams
Author: Killaurey
Word Count: 4782
Summary: [AU/Futurefic] Part 2 of 3. Sakura/Sasuke. Love isn’t a cure-all. Marriage doesn't solve all problems. And sometimes relationships fall apart because love isn’t enough.
Disclaimer: Naruto doesn't belong to me. It's Kishimoto's and I just play with it. Unbeta’d.
-0-
The house lights were dimmed, and if she hadn’t been used to coming home to this, it would’ve been a bit disquieting. She knew he wasn’t sleeping yet, though. If he wasn’t on a mission, he waited up for her. They never talked about it, but it was there, part of the routine.
She kicked off her sandals, taking a moment to stretch before chastising herself for stalling (and she was, Sakura could admit that) before picking her way through the dark house to find him. There was no need for lights to search for him, he was always in the same place when he waited for her.
Opening the back door to their home, she leaned half out, feet still on the rug by the door, and tried a smile at him. He was sitting, just watching the area while his hands worked on sharpening his kunai. A cup-probably tea-was beside him, and she would bet that it had grown cold while he’d worked.
“Hey,” she said, shifting uneasily as she realized that she was at a complete loss for what else to say. “I’m home.”
“Welcome home.” He turned his face, and she knew he was smiling at her. “I’m almost finished with this set.”
Sakura slipped outside, bare feet cool on the smooth wood of their porch and she sat down next to him, moving the (cold) cup of tea out of her way as he went back to sharpening another kunai. She closed her eyes, leaning in towards him, and trying to relax.
“Long day?” he asked after a few minutes, his voice slightly concerned.
“Mmmf,” she answered, sighing and forcing her eyes open. She watched the easy, simple motions of his hands and even the noise of the metal being sharpened is a little soothing. “You’ve got no idea.”
“Are you going to tell me?”
“In a bit,” Sakura said, almost unwillingly. “I just want to sit here until you’re done, for now.”
He reached over, pausing in his work, and tucked a stray strand of her hair back. “We can sit here,” he said agreeably.
So they did, she sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest and resting her head against him, and he with the steady shhhhk of metal being honed. Just the simple comfort of an ordinary evening. It was exactly what she needed. It was precisely the last thing that she needed. She didn’t move though, unwilling to give this up just yet.
Eventually, though, he ran out of kunai to sharpen and while he moved to gather them up to bring inside she slowly stretched, taking the time to just revel in the feeling of her body moving, before getting to her feet. “Need a hand?” she asked.
“I’ve got it.” A quick glance proved that he did, and she held the door open for him as they headed inside.
This time she flicked on the kitchen lights, the sudden glow making her blink as she went to put on a new pot of tea while he put away the kunai. Filling it with water and then setting the kettle on the stove, she leaned against the counter and tried to brace herself for what she had to tell him. It didn’t matter that even now, surely, she could figure out a way to put off talking about it-there were other things she could use as an excuse for her bad mood-just...
Her thoughts were interrupted by his footsteps-when had he entered the kitchen?-and she leaned back against him while he slid her arms around her waist. “You’re distracted,” he said quietly, resting his chin on her head. “You normally would’ve noticed me.”
“Looking for words,” she offered, not as an excuse, but just a simple fact. “And I can’t seem to find them.”
“Take your time,” Sasuke told her. “There’s no need to rush.”
“If I take my time,” she said, glancing up at him, “I’ll just keep on taking more.”
The kettle went off then, making her jump, and he kissed her on the head. “Go sit down, I’ll get the tea.”
Sakura went, the chair was cool under her, and she rested her elbows on the table as she watched him. A newspaper from the morning was folded to one side, and she absently straightened the salt and pepper shakers as he got out the cups and pours the hot water over the tea leaves. Peppermint, she realized, sniffing the air. It wasn’t what she’d have picked-Sakura had been thinking chamomile, or something along those lines-but she liked it well enough.
“Not what’s normally drunk before bed,” she tried to quip, and even as the words left her mouth feeling that they were way too flat to break up any of the tension in her. He settled the cup in front of her, taking a sip from his even though it had to be far too hot still and just raised one eyebrow at her.
She stared into her cup, turning it around in her hand and let the silence build until she couldn’t take it anymore-Sasuke always had been better at silence than she-and started talking. “I told you once that... a few years,” she said, not looking up at him, and hoping that he’d be able to follow the conversation because she didn’t think she’d be able to do it twice. “I promised you that, and the time came a few years ago.”
A deep breath and she knew he was listening intently. She could feel his eyes on her, and made herself continue on. “I wasn’t working today, but I was at the hospital anyway.” And if she’d been luckier, then she could’ve said something like ‘and I found out I’m pregnant’ but she wasn’t and she couldn’t think that way.
“Why were you at the hospital?” he asked, almost patiently, when she trailed off, not sure how to continue on.
Sakura gulped her tea. It burned going down, but the peppermint helped focus her thoughts. “I’m barren,” she blurted, before she could think better of it. She wondered if she’d ever get the nerve to look at his face, but what she can see right now is that he’s gone suddenly stiff.
There was a long moment of silence, and she didn’t want him to say anything that would break her momentum so, before he could, she stumbled into a halting explanation of exactly why and how, descriptions of the examinations, Shizune’s medical opinion on her odds of conceiving, the fact that she’d been trying for two and a half years and when her voice trailed off, Sakura was surprised to find tears on her face. Her shoulders shook.
“You haven’t changed,” he said quietly, after all too long a silence.
She doesn’t know what that meant. Whatever she’d thought he’d say, that wasn’t anything she’d predicted and she flinched a bit when he brushed her shoulder with one hand. “I have,” Sakura insisted, rubbing at her eyes.
“You haven’t.” And it’s a little weird, but that sounded fond.
Sakura blinked, and his other hand comes around so both her shoulders are in contact with him. She didn’t know when he’d put his cup down. And she glanced up at him, with eyes blurry with tears, “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not mad,” he answered, his face blanked down until she can’t tell if he’s telling the truth or not. Sakura’s not sure if she could handle it if he was right now. Too much going on in her head already, and he’s right there, and all of a sudden it’s just a little too much.
“I shouldn’t be here,” she said, pulling away from him, her teacup smashing to the floor and the sound of it seems to echo in her head for hours even though its only a few seconds. “Not now, not after-“
“Sakura-“ He moved to touch her, and she avoided him.
“I can’t,” she said, darting past him for the door, slipping into her sandals as he followed her from the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” he asked, and she can tell, even though her emotions that he’s worried about her.
“I don’t know,” Sakura answered, almost helplessly. “I just can’t stay here right now.”
“You should get some sleep.” Sasuke took a few steps towards her. “Stay-“
“I will,” she laughed, mirthlessly. “But not here. I-I can’t.”
She left. The door slammed shut behind her.
-0-
Dating Sasuke is not like she had thought it would be.
Of course, Sakura had to admit that she wasn’t who her twelve year old self dreamed of being, and Sasuke, if anything has changed so far from what she dreamed him to be that saying what they had now was anything like what she’d wanted... was so far past ridiculous that she couldn’t properly term it at all.
For one thing, it was slow. Glacially slow at times when she wished it to go faster. It was awkward because, in this, she knew better than he what they were doing, he knew it too, and hated that fact. She couldn’t help needling him about it either, normally when she’d had a bad day.
This time around though, she didn’t back down when he snapped back. She was older now, they were older now, and Sakura wasn’t going to promise him anything like ‘they’d do something fun everyday’. Real life didn’t work like that.
Strangely enough, she found she liked it being real better.
Candy hearts and flowers were nice, but Sakura thought that getting to see Sasuke’s outraged expression when she stole the remote control from him and made him watch one of her soaps to be more satisfying. This time, they were getting to know each other.
They had the time. There was no rush. There was no competition. Sasuke’s re-admittance to Konoha hadn’t come with the forgiveness of the village. She’d patched him up from more fights than she could count, and remained silent when her other friends went off on rants about him.
After all, no one could deny the many reasons for their anger. She didn’t even try. Sakura’s focus was just on staying out of the conflicts-and part of her, the part she tried to ignore, had laughed gleefully when Ino had blacked both his eyes the first time that the blonde had seen him. For the most part, she was successful.
Knowing Sasuke meant that they fought. A lot. Everything from small everyday bickering to larger fights where she was yelling and he was gobsmacked because he’d never had that anger turned on him before, to physical spars where they tested the limits of their training.
And, of course, they went out on dates.
The coffee he’d suggested had turned into a verbal sparring match that both of them had stalked away from furious with each other-medical nin were just as effective in the field as other nin thank you very much--and she’d thought that was the end of him reaching out to her.
But she’d found a message on her answering machine three days later. It was only one word, but it had been the one she’d wanted. Sorry.
Baby steps, really, on the path to a real relationship, but more than she’d ever seen from him before. A few days later she called and left a message on his answering machine asking if he wanted to try that whole going out for coffee thing again.
He did.
It was a good six months before they found a rhythm that worked for them and convinced Naruto that, no, they really did not want him coming with them on their dates-not that they were calling them that, not so early, but that was what they really were-but eventually it smoothed out.
They still fought. They still stepped on each other’s toes and wound up yelling in the middle restaurants (admittedly, that was mostly her, as he got colder and quieter when he got upset whereas she erupted) and there were plenty of days where they couldn’t stand the sight of each other.
More and more though, as time went by, they got used to the fights they had. The little ones, the big ones, it wasn’t so bad. No fight where they gave up on the other and they were both learning to apologize to the other when they were wrong.
That one, she thought, took the most effort. It wasn’t easy for her, and it had never been easy for him. If not for Naruto and his continuous persistence that they were a team (and they were) and ought to act like it she was sure that a few of their earlier fights would have ended it all. But life went on, and they remained, somehow, friends and more.
If asked, Sakura wouldn’t be able to put her finger on exactly when going out for coffee had turned into actually going out with him. She wasn’t against it though-it was, almost, a childhood dream come true, only different. Better, in some ways.
And, sometimes, hilarious to watch him try and figure out if he should be doing something different. Depending on what it was, she’d speak up. But equally so, she didn’t and he just had to work it out on his own.
Missions were... interesting. They were seldom sent out on the same mission-their skill sets far too different for it to be the most effective way of doing things much to the dismay of Naruto’s insistence of them being a team no matter what-and she, these days, got far more missions than he did.
They seldom spoke of it, not when the both of them knew the reasons why, but it was a source of tension and sometimes she chafed at the silence with ill-concealed exasperation. It was not, after all, her fault that he’d been named a traitor and that, even with him being re-accepted, didn’t mean that people would fall over themselves’ to forgive him.
She said as much to him, only once. It had been while they’d been walking through a park, ignoring the few people out on the benches and she’d gotten fed up with his almost-sulking (and, at thirteen, she’d not been able to even consider the idea that Uchiha Sasuke would sulk) and snapped.
He’d stared at her in silence for a long minute, just long enough for her to wonder if she’d managed to blow everything they’d worked for, before shaking his head and giving the half-shrug he did when she was right but he wasn’t willing to admit it yet.
Slowly, as she got used to dating Sasuke, Sakura also got used to telling him what she really thought.
-0-
The door slammed shut behind her and Sakura stood on her front step breathing heavily, in tears, trying to stifle them and hating the sound of her door closing. It all sounded so, so final. Was that door also one in her life? She didn’t want final, why had it had to turn out like this? Wasn’t there anything they could do to make it better? If there was, it would have to wait, because she wasn’t going back inside there tonight. Not after that. Looking at him would be too hard.
She shook her head, and made her almost unsteady way down the steps, clinging to the railing, and hoping, wishing, that this was all just a bad dream. The weight in her stomach, in her head, just behind her eyes, while she futilely fought to stop the tears from coming though wasn’t a dream. This was reality, and it was awful. Sakura knew that.
You haven’t changed, he’d said, and Sakura honestly still didn't know what he’d been talking about. She’d changed more than anyone else on Team 7, and even Naruto has seen that. She wondered what it means that Sasuke doesn’t. Or if it was just something said that meant another, totally different thing. Maybe it wasn’t meant to hurt, but she’s too down to care right now.
It doesn’t really matter, does it? She didn't know.
All she knew, right here and now, is that her life, her comfortable, if sometimes temperamental, life had been turned upside down and if there was any justice in the world she would still be able to turn to Sasuke, her husband, for support. Now she couldn’t let herself have that. It hurt too much. Maybe she’d get it back, but right now, right when she thought, down deep, she needed it the most, she didn’t have it.
Sakura ran. Down the street, and then off of it, changing her path so she’s headed towards the training fields where her running won’t look so out of place-she retains that much of her dignity, and it’s good to feel the burn of running. She’s moving full out without stopping, without measuring the distance she’s got to pass and not bothering with limiting herself. There’s no need to pace things out right now. There’s no goal in sight, just the need to get away.
Sakura ran and she didn’t know if she was trying to escape from the facts, or from herself.
Maybe both.
-0-
Just over a year since they’d started... whatever it was that they had. Neither of them felt the need to name it, there was no point in labels when they were both content with things the way they were.
In that year, of course, things had gotten far beyond the casual movie at home, or the pure and simple training sort of date-though, naturally, they still did both of those things-and, in the spring air, lately there had been the hushed expectancy of something else. Another thing not to think about.
If she’d stopped to think about it all, despite her stubborn refusals to contemplate everything as it stood, once this... relationship had gotten serious, then Sakura would have known the single most important issue to Sasuke in regards to any relationship he had with a woman. She’d expended so much of her energy in not thinking too hard about what they were, because if she stopped and thought-then what if it all broke down, just because she paid too much attention to the ins and outs of it?
As such, she was caught off guard the brilliantly sunny afternoon he first brought up the question of children.
They were sitting, lounging really, on the back porch of the house Sasuke had chosen to live in and she glanced up from where she had been fiddling with the long grass poking up by the steps. “What do I think about children?” Sakura repeated.
He nodded once she met his gaze, looking supremely casual-so casual, in fact, that it was obvious that whatever he was feeling about this question, it wasn’t casual-and sipped at his tea. Oolong tea, she knew, as it was the only kind he drank while at home. “I was curious,” he said, with a slight shrug.
She stared at him for another long moment, before dropping her gaze to the grass and wriggling her toes. “I hadn’t really thought about it much,” she admitted, almost sheepishly. “I mean, I don’t think I’d mind a few eventually, but I’m not exactly in a rush.”
Not in a rush to spend so much time devoted to their needs, not yet. Putting them before what she wants day in and out. Sakura was still enjoying her free evenings and the days where she got to do exactly what she wanted to do without factoring in anything other than ‘make sure Tsunade-shishou isn’t too hungover tomorrow’. She’s only just hit twenty. There’s time enough for her to think of children later. No need to give up her freedom yet.
They’re a ‘one day’ sort of thought. An idle sort of acknowledgement that yes, eventually she’ll have children and that would be okay, but right now... no. Sakura didn’t want to be like Hinata, who is just a little younger than Sakura is and already with two of them. Arranged marriage or not, that’s too young she thought, for her, even though Hinata didn’t seem to mind at all.
Sakura reached for her tea, and it’s only now, as she’s forced to think about it that she realized just why Sasuke asked her about children. Swallowing too quickly, she winced as the hot liquid scorches her throat, and wonders what he’ll think about her answer.
Too late to change it, and even then, had she known what it was about, she probably wouldn’t have changed it anyway. She isn’t opposed to children, some of them who come into the hospital are the sweetest she’s ever seen (and some, on the other hand, are the worst little monsters, but Sakura thought that was par for the course), but the fact remained that she didn’t want them right away.
“What about you?” she asked, just to break the silence before her own thoughts overwhelmed everything else. “What do you think about children?”
“I want them,” he said, easily enough, and no wonder she though when he’d had years to come to terms with the only way to rebuild his Clan-and Sakura felt stupid now, for not having thought of it before, obviously he would want them, but he didn't seem to mind her having asked so she resolved to forget about it.
“Right away?” The question slips out before she can keep it back. There’s a moment of panic in her head and it is only training that lets her keep that off her face. If he said yes then she didn’t know what she’d do. Her answer is no.
It’s long enough that she was waiting for an answer that Sakura was almost certain that he wasn’t going to speak up at all, and then where would they be? She didn’t know and was glad for the heat of the sun because it’s soothing on her legs while she kicked her feet idly in the tufted grass and pretended to be nonchalant and unaffected no matter how he answered.
“I wouldn’t mind right away,” he said, and she could feel his eyes like a weight on the back of her neck. Part of her can’t breathe, can’t think, because this is where she ought to stand up for herself and say that it’s not what she wants even though she’s with him. He continued on before she could drown in her own thoughts. “But I wouldn’t mind in a few years either.”
Unspoken, and she’s become the queen of hearing what he’s saying in the silence, is that he’s alright as long as a ‘few years’ actually comes along.
She nodded in answer to that, and relaxed slightly. It’s okay, she assured herself, it’s alright. “In a few years?” Sakura echoed, flicking a bit of grass over her shoulder at him. “Got names picked out for them already?”
Honest with herself, Sakura didn’t know if she was joking or not.
He’s not though. “I thought Mikoto for a girl,” Sasuke answered her. “After my mother. For a boy, I hadn’t decided yet.”
“Sensui,” she said, and that’s decisively. It wasn’t only his choice in naming, not by a long shot.
“Sensui,” he repeated, considering the sound of it and, she thinks, hopefully the message behind her picking a name right now. “Alright.”
That’s that.
-0-
Sakura didn’t know what time it was when she wound up at the bar. Just that it wasn’t morning yet, that she was pale and tired and her eyes ached. She wanted to cry still, but the tears were all dried up. She wanted to go home, but home meant him, and right now he’s the last one she can deal with.
Bars weren’t a place she frequented for anything but dragging Tsunade-shishou out of them when Shizune was too busy to go herself. Normally she didn’t like the way the alcohol lowered her inhibitions, and it was never a good idea for a medical ninja to be drunk-they never knew when the next emergency would come in. Just because she wasn’t out in the field as often as many of the ninja her age... well, that didn’t mean she could afford to slack. In some ways, she was the least allowed to slack. The last time she’d come to a bar had been when Ino had dragged her a few months ago. And that, Sakura knew, had been mostly for the karaoke.
Karaoke was fun. She peered around and was mildly disappointed that there wasn’t a karaoke machine around for her to use. Sakura didn’t even know if she really wanted to sing, but it was something familiar about a place she wasn’t entirely comfortable in.
She sat on one of the stools, perched almost, and feeling hopelessly out of place. The bartender didn’t comment on her tear-stained face when he took her order for a cosmopolitan. It wasn’t unusual in this bar, and that was why when she’d come to the conclusion that a drink was what she needed, this was the one she’d thought of.
It was one of two that was frequented by ANBU members. The bartenders were all former ANBU themselves, and knew how to keep their mouths shut. Even more importantly, they knew how and when to look the other way, when someone was breaking down. Generally they gently turned away people who weren’t shinobi-didn’t need to let the civilians see their soldiers breaking down in their cups, and besides that, secrets needed to be kept about missions. It wasn’t so bad if another ninja heard something they weren’t supposed to, all of them knew to keep their mouths shut, but civilians...
Well. They were discouraged from visiting these bars. This late there was a goodly crowd, and she counted herself lucky-though she did not feel it-to have gotten a seat at the bar at all. The bartender set down her drink, and she downed half of it in one gulp.
She didn’t want to think. Didn’t want to feel. The world felt both fuzzy and sharp-edged and Sakura was grateful for the drink. It made the edges a little softer, and smoothed the fuzzy out so things didn’t feel quite so bad. Just an illusion, of course, but it was one she clung to.
And, her thinking went, if one drink was good, then surely another would be better, and then another. She wasn’t thinking of anything then, just letting herself feel wretched and wallowing in her misery. Indulging it. She’d been brave, she’d gone and told him, and now she could do what she wanted, right?
Wasn’t that what she’d always wanted? Just to be able to do whatever?
A choking laugh built in the back of her throat until she couldn’t hold it any longer, and threw back her head, just laughing and laughing. It wasn’t funny, and tears ran down her face, as her chest heaved, and she struggled not to wail. Surely laughing was better than that, even though both of them hurt, right? Laughter made things better, most of the time anyway, and even when her laugh had wound down so that she was all but sobbing she still tried to pretend it was laughter.
Laughter would fix everything, right? It had to because otherwise everything she’d worked for was had come down to nothing. She remembered, at some point, toasting to that, but mostly it’s just the drinks, and the pain.
Then Ino is there, blue eyes bright and her delicate-seeming hands are helping Sakura get off the stool. “Come on,” Ino said, “let’s get you home.”
She didn’t want to go home, and one hand reached to cling to the stool, as she pulled away from Ino. “I don’t want-.” Home wasn’t someplace for her right now. And even with as much as she’s drunk, Sakura can see the exasperation on Ino’s face.
There was a mutter, something about Sasuke and Ino wanting to kill him, and then Ino was reaching for her again. “Come on,” she said, voice pitched on ‘soothing’, “no going home then-how ‘bout to my apartment? It’ll be more comfortable than here, seriously.”
Sakura went unresisting, she didn’t have much choice, really, and as long as it wasn’t home, then she didn’t have objections to it. Her stomach rolled and she clutched at it as they got outside. “I don’t feel good.”
“No kidding.” Ino muttered.
Previous Chapter
Chapter: 02 Broken Dreams
Author: Killaurey
Word Count: 4782
Summary: [AU/Futurefic] Part 2 of 3. Sakura/Sasuke. Love isn’t a cure-all. Marriage doesn't solve all problems. And sometimes relationships fall apart because love isn’t enough.
Disclaimer: Naruto doesn't belong to me. It's Kishimoto's and I just play with it. Unbeta’d.
-0-
The house lights were dimmed, and if she hadn’t been used to coming home to this, it would’ve been a bit disquieting. She knew he wasn’t sleeping yet, though. If he wasn’t on a mission, he waited up for her. They never talked about it, but it was there, part of the routine.
She kicked off her sandals, taking a moment to stretch before chastising herself for stalling (and she was, Sakura could admit that) before picking her way through the dark house to find him. There was no need for lights to search for him, he was always in the same place when he waited for her.
Opening the back door to their home, she leaned half out, feet still on the rug by the door, and tried a smile at him. He was sitting, just watching the area while his hands worked on sharpening his kunai. A cup-probably tea-was beside him, and she would bet that it had grown cold while he’d worked.
“Hey,” she said, shifting uneasily as she realized that she was at a complete loss for what else to say. “I’m home.”
“Welcome home.” He turned his face, and she knew he was smiling at her. “I’m almost finished with this set.”
Sakura slipped outside, bare feet cool on the smooth wood of their porch and she sat down next to him, moving the (cold) cup of tea out of her way as he went back to sharpening another kunai. She closed her eyes, leaning in towards him, and trying to relax.
“Long day?” he asked after a few minutes, his voice slightly concerned.
“Mmmf,” she answered, sighing and forcing her eyes open. She watched the easy, simple motions of his hands and even the noise of the metal being sharpened is a little soothing. “You’ve got no idea.”
“Are you going to tell me?”
“In a bit,” Sakura said, almost unwillingly. “I just want to sit here until you’re done, for now.”
He reached over, pausing in his work, and tucked a stray strand of her hair back. “We can sit here,” he said agreeably.
So they did, she sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest and resting her head against him, and he with the steady shhhhk of metal being honed. Just the simple comfort of an ordinary evening. It was exactly what she needed. It was precisely the last thing that she needed. She didn’t move though, unwilling to give this up just yet.
Eventually, though, he ran out of kunai to sharpen and while he moved to gather them up to bring inside she slowly stretched, taking the time to just revel in the feeling of her body moving, before getting to her feet. “Need a hand?” she asked.
“I’ve got it.” A quick glance proved that he did, and she held the door open for him as they headed inside.
This time she flicked on the kitchen lights, the sudden glow making her blink as she went to put on a new pot of tea while he put away the kunai. Filling it with water and then setting the kettle on the stove, she leaned against the counter and tried to brace herself for what she had to tell him. It didn’t matter that even now, surely, she could figure out a way to put off talking about it-there were other things she could use as an excuse for her bad mood-just...
Her thoughts were interrupted by his footsteps-when had he entered the kitchen?-and she leaned back against him while he slid her arms around her waist. “You’re distracted,” he said quietly, resting his chin on her head. “You normally would’ve noticed me.”
“Looking for words,” she offered, not as an excuse, but just a simple fact. “And I can’t seem to find them.”
“Take your time,” Sasuke told her. “There’s no need to rush.”
“If I take my time,” she said, glancing up at him, “I’ll just keep on taking more.”
The kettle went off then, making her jump, and he kissed her on the head. “Go sit down, I’ll get the tea.”
Sakura went, the chair was cool under her, and she rested her elbows on the table as she watched him. A newspaper from the morning was folded to one side, and she absently straightened the salt and pepper shakers as he got out the cups and pours the hot water over the tea leaves. Peppermint, she realized, sniffing the air. It wasn’t what she’d have picked-Sakura had been thinking chamomile, or something along those lines-but she liked it well enough.
“Not what’s normally drunk before bed,” she tried to quip, and even as the words left her mouth feeling that they were way too flat to break up any of the tension in her. He settled the cup in front of her, taking a sip from his even though it had to be far too hot still and just raised one eyebrow at her.
She stared into her cup, turning it around in her hand and let the silence build until she couldn’t take it anymore-Sasuke always had been better at silence than she-and started talking. “I told you once that... a few years,” she said, not looking up at him, and hoping that he’d be able to follow the conversation because she didn’t think she’d be able to do it twice. “I promised you that, and the time came a few years ago.”
A deep breath and she knew he was listening intently. She could feel his eyes on her, and made herself continue on. “I wasn’t working today, but I was at the hospital anyway.” And if she’d been luckier, then she could’ve said something like ‘and I found out I’m pregnant’ but she wasn’t and she couldn’t think that way.
“Why were you at the hospital?” he asked, almost patiently, when she trailed off, not sure how to continue on.
Sakura gulped her tea. It burned going down, but the peppermint helped focus her thoughts. “I’m barren,” she blurted, before she could think better of it. She wondered if she’d ever get the nerve to look at his face, but what she can see right now is that he’s gone suddenly stiff.
There was a long moment of silence, and she didn’t want him to say anything that would break her momentum so, before he could, she stumbled into a halting explanation of exactly why and how, descriptions of the examinations, Shizune’s medical opinion on her odds of conceiving, the fact that she’d been trying for two and a half years and when her voice trailed off, Sakura was surprised to find tears on her face. Her shoulders shook.
“You haven’t changed,” he said quietly, after all too long a silence.
She doesn’t know what that meant. Whatever she’d thought he’d say, that wasn’t anything she’d predicted and she flinched a bit when he brushed her shoulder with one hand. “I have,” Sakura insisted, rubbing at her eyes.
“You haven’t.” And it’s a little weird, but that sounded fond.
Sakura blinked, and his other hand comes around so both her shoulders are in contact with him. She didn’t know when he’d put his cup down. And she glanced up at him, with eyes blurry with tears, “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not mad,” he answered, his face blanked down until she can’t tell if he’s telling the truth or not. Sakura’s not sure if she could handle it if he was right now. Too much going on in her head already, and he’s right there, and all of a sudden it’s just a little too much.
“I shouldn’t be here,” she said, pulling away from him, her teacup smashing to the floor and the sound of it seems to echo in her head for hours even though its only a few seconds. “Not now, not after-“
“Sakura-“ He moved to touch her, and she avoided him.
“I can’t,” she said, darting past him for the door, slipping into her sandals as he followed her from the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” he asked, and she can tell, even though her emotions that he’s worried about her.
“I don’t know,” Sakura answered, almost helplessly. “I just can’t stay here right now.”
“You should get some sleep.” Sasuke took a few steps towards her. “Stay-“
“I will,” she laughed, mirthlessly. “But not here. I-I can’t.”
She left. The door slammed shut behind her.
-0-
Dating Sasuke is not like she had thought it would be.
Of course, Sakura had to admit that she wasn’t who her twelve year old self dreamed of being, and Sasuke, if anything has changed so far from what she dreamed him to be that saying what they had now was anything like what she’d wanted... was so far past ridiculous that she couldn’t properly term it at all.
For one thing, it was slow. Glacially slow at times when she wished it to go faster. It was awkward because, in this, she knew better than he what they were doing, he knew it too, and hated that fact. She couldn’t help needling him about it either, normally when she’d had a bad day.
This time around though, she didn’t back down when he snapped back. She was older now, they were older now, and Sakura wasn’t going to promise him anything like ‘they’d do something fun everyday’. Real life didn’t work like that.
Strangely enough, she found she liked it being real better.
Candy hearts and flowers were nice, but Sakura thought that getting to see Sasuke’s outraged expression when she stole the remote control from him and made him watch one of her soaps to be more satisfying. This time, they were getting to know each other.
They had the time. There was no rush. There was no competition. Sasuke’s re-admittance to Konoha hadn’t come with the forgiveness of the village. She’d patched him up from more fights than she could count, and remained silent when her other friends went off on rants about him.
After all, no one could deny the many reasons for their anger. She didn’t even try. Sakura’s focus was just on staying out of the conflicts-and part of her, the part she tried to ignore, had laughed gleefully when Ino had blacked both his eyes the first time that the blonde had seen him. For the most part, she was successful.
Knowing Sasuke meant that they fought. A lot. Everything from small everyday bickering to larger fights where she was yelling and he was gobsmacked because he’d never had that anger turned on him before, to physical spars where they tested the limits of their training.
And, of course, they went out on dates.
The coffee he’d suggested had turned into a verbal sparring match that both of them had stalked away from furious with each other-medical nin were just as effective in the field as other nin thank you very much--and she’d thought that was the end of him reaching out to her.
But she’d found a message on her answering machine three days later. It was only one word, but it had been the one she’d wanted. Sorry.
Baby steps, really, on the path to a real relationship, but more than she’d ever seen from him before. A few days later she called and left a message on his answering machine asking if he wanted to try that whole going out for coffee thing again.
He did.
It was a good six months before they found a rhythm that worked for them and convinced Naruto that, no, they really did not want him coming with them on their dates-not that they were calling them that, not so early, but that was what they really were-but eventually it smoothed out.
They still fought. They still stepped on each other’s toes and wound up yelling in the middle restaurants (admittedly, that was mostly her, as he got colder and quieter when he got upset whereas she erupted) and there were plenty of days where they couldn’t stand the sight of each other.
More and more though, as time went by, they got used to the fights they had. The little ones, the big ones, it wasn’t so bad. No fight where they gave up on the other and they were both learning to apologize to the other when they were wrong.
That one, she thought, took the most effort. It wasn’t easy for her, and it had never been easy for him. If not for Naruto and his continuous persistence that they were a team (and they were) and ought to act like it she was sure that a few of their earlier fights would have ended it all. But life went on, and they remained, somehow, friends and more.
If asked, Sakura wouldn’t be able to put her finger on exactly when going out for coffee had turned into actually going out with him. She wasn’t against it though-it was, almost, a childhood dream come true, only different. Better, in some ways.
And, sometimes, hilarious to watch him try and figure out if he should be doing something different. Depending on what it was, she’d speak up. But equally so, she didn’t and he just had to work it out on his own.
Missions were... interesting. They were seldom sent out on the same mission-their skill sets far too different for it to be the most effective way of doing things much to the dismay of Naruto’s insistence of them being a team no matter what-and she, these days, got far more missions than he did.
They seldom spoke of it, not when the both of them knew the reasons why, but it was a source of tension and sometimes she chafed at the silence with ill-concealed exasperation. It was not, after all, her fault that he’d been named a traitor and that, even with him being re-accepted, didn’t mean that people would fall over themselves’ to forgive him.
She said as much to him, only once. It had been while they’d been walking through a park, ignoring the few people out on the benches and she’d gotten fed up with his almost-sulking (and, at thirteen, she’d not been able to even consider the idea that Uchiha Sasuke would sulk) and snapped.
He’d stared at her in silence for a long minute, just long enough for her to wonder if she’d managed to blow everything they’d worked for, before shaking his head and giving the half-shrug he did when she was right but he wasn’t willing to admit it yet.
Slowly, as she got used to dating Sasuke, Sakura also got used to telling him what she really thought.
-0-
The door slammed shut behind her and Sakura stood on her front step breathing heavily, in tears, trying to stifle them and hating the sound of her door closing. It all sounded so, so final. Was that door also one in her life? She didn’t want final, why had it had to turn out like this? Wasn’t there anything they could do to make it better? If there was, it would have to wait, because she wasn’t going back inside there tonight. Not after that. Looking at him would be too hard.
She shook her head, and made her almost unsteady way down the steps, clinging to the railing, and hoping, wishing, that this was all just a bad dream. The weight in her stomach, in her head, just behind her eyes, while she futilely fought to stop the tears from coming though wasn’t a dream. This was reality, and it was awful. Sakura knew that.
You haven’t changed, he’d said, and Sakura honestly still didn't know what he’d been talking about. She’d changed more than anyone else on Team 7, and even Naruto has seen that. She wondered what it means that Sasuke doesn’t. Or if it was just something said that meant another, totally different thing. Maybe it wasn’t meant to hurt, but she’s too down to care right now.
It doesn’t really matter, does it? She didn't know.
All she knew, right here and now, is that her life, her comfortable, if sometimes temperamental, life had been turned upside down and if there was any justice in the world she would still be able to turn to Sasuke, her husband, for support. Now she couldn’t let herself have that. It hurt too much. Maybe she’d get it back, but right now, right when she thought, down deep, she needed it the most, she didn’t have it.
Sakura ran. Down the street, and then off of it, changing her path so she’s headed towards the training fields where her running won’t look so out of place-she retains that much of her dignity, and it’s good to feel the burn of running. She’s moving full out without stopping, without measuring the distance she’s got to pass and not bothering with limiting herself. There’s no need to pace things out right now. There’s no goal in sight, just the need to get away.
Sakura ran and she didn’t know if she was trying to escape from the facts, or from herself.
Maybe both.
-0-
Just over a year since they’d started... whatever it was that they had. Neither of them felt the need to name it, there was no point in labels when they were both content with things the way they were.
In that year, of course, things had gotten far beyond the casual movie at home, or the pure and simple training sort of date-though, naturally, they still did both of those things-and, in the spring air, lately there had been the hushed expectancy of something else. Another thing not to think about.
If she’d stopped to think about it all, despite her stubborn refusals to contemplate everything as it stood, once this... relationship had gotten serious, then Sakura would have known the single most important issue to Sasuke in regards to any relationship he had with a woman. She’d expended so much of her energy in not thinking too hard about what they were, because if she stopped and thought-then what if it all broke down, just because she paid too much attention to the ins and outs of it?
As such, she was caught off guard the brilliantly sunny afternoon he first brought up the question of children.
They were sitting, lounging really, on the back porch of the house Sasuke had chosen to live in and she glanced up from where she had been fiddling with the long grass poking up by the steps. “What do I think about children?” Sakura repeated.
He nodded once she met his gaze, looking supremely casual-so casual, in fact, that it was obvious that whatever he was feeling about this question, it wasn’t casual-and sipped at his tea. Oolong tea, she knew, as it was the only kind he drank while at home. “I was curious,” he said, with a slight shrug.
She stared at him for another long moment, before dropping her gaze to the grass and wriggling her toes. “I hadn’t really thought about it much,” she admitted, almost sheepishly. “I mean, I don’t think I’d mind a few eventually, but I’m not exactly in a rush.”
Not in a rush to spend so much time devoted to their needs, not yet. Putting them before what she wants day in and out. Sakura was still enjoying her free evenings and the days where she got to do exactly what she wanted to do without factoring in anything other than ‘make sure Tsunade-shishou isn’t too hungover tomorrow’. She’s only just hit twenty. There’s time enough for her to think of children later. No need to give up her freedom yet.
They’re a ‘one day’ sort of thought. An idle sort of acknowledgement that yes, eventually she’ll have children and that would be okay, but right now... no. Sakura didn’t want to be like Hinata, who is just a little younger than Sakura is and already with two of them. Arranged marriage or not, that’s too young she thought, for her, even though Hinata didn’t seem to mind at all.
Sakura reached for her tea, and it’s only now, as she’s forced to think about it that she realized just why Sasuke asked her about children. Swallowing too quickly, she winced as the hot liquid scorches her throat, and wonders what he’ll think about her answer.
Too late to change it, and even then, had she known what it was about, she probably wouldn’t have changed it anyway. She isn’t opposed to children, some of them who come into the hospital are the sweetest she’s ever seen (and some, on the other hand, are the worst little monsters, but Sakura thought that was par for the course), but the fact remained that she didn’t want them right away.
“What about you?” she asked, just to break the silence before her own thoughts overwhelmed everything else. “What do you think about children?”
“I want them,” he said, easily enough, and no wonder she though when he’d had years to come to terms with the only way to rebuild his Clan-and Sakura felt stupid now, for not having thought of it before, obviously he would want them, but he didn't seem to mind her having asked so she resolved to forget about it.
“Right away?” The question slips out before she can keep it back. There’s a moment of panic in her head and it is only training that lets her keep that off her face. If he said yes then she didn’t know what she’d do. Her answer is no.
It’s long enough that she was waiting for an answer that Sakura was almost certain that he wasn’t going to speak up at all, and then where would they be? She didn’t know and was glad for the heat of the sun because it’s soothing on her legs while she kicked her feet idly in the tufted grass and pretended to be nonchalant and unaffected no matter how he answered.
“I wouldn’t mind right away,” he said, and she could feel his eyes like a weight on the back of her neck. Part of her can’t breathe, can’t think, because this is where she ought to stand up for herself and say that it’s not what she wants even though she’s with him. He continued on before she could drown in her own thoughts. “But I wouldn’t mind in a few years either.”
Unspoken, and she’s become the queen of hearing what he’s saying in the silence, is that he’s alright as long as a ‘few years’ actually comes along.
She nodded in answer to that, and relaxed slightly. It’s okay, she assured herself, it’s alright. “In a few years?” Sakura echoed, flicking a bit of grass over her shoulder at him. “Got names picked out for them already?”
Honest with herself, Sakura didn’t know if she was joking or not.
He’s not though. “I thought Mikoto for a girl,” Sasuke answered her. “After my mother. For a boy, I hadn’t decided yet.”
“Sensui,” she said, and that’s decisively. It wasn’t only his choice in naming, not by a long shot.
“Sensui,” he repeated, considering the sound of it and, she thinks, hopefully the message behind her picking a name right now. “Alright.”
That’s that.
-0-
Sakura didn’t know what time it was when she wound up at the bar. Just that it wasn’t morning yet, that she was pale and tired and her eyes ached. She wanted to cry still, but the tears were all dried up. She wanted to go home, but home meant him, and right now he’s the last one she can deal with.
Bars weren’t a place she frequented for anything but dragging Tsunade-shishou out of them when Shizune was too busy to go herself. Normally she didn’t like the way the alcohol lowered her inhibitions, and it was never a good idea for a medical ninja to be drunk-they never knew when the next emergency would come in. Just because she wasn’t out in the field as often as many of the ninja her age... well, that didn’t mean she could afford to slack. In some ways, she was the least allowed to slack. The last time she’d come to a bar had been when Ino had dragged her a few months ago. And that, Sakura knew, had been mostly for the karaoke.
Karaoke was fun. She peered around and was mildly disappointed that there wasn’t a karaoke machine around for her to use. Sakura didn’t even know if she really wanted to sing, but it was something familiar about a place she wasn’t entirely comfortable in.
She sat on one of the stools, perched almost, and feeling hopelessly out of place. The bartender didn’t comment on her tear-stained face when he took her order for a cosmopolitan. It wasn’t unusual in this bar, and that was why when she’d come to the conclusion that a drink was what she needed, this was the one she’d thought of.
It was one of two that was frequented by ANBU members. The bartenders were all former ANBU themselves, and knew how to keep their mouths shut. Even more importantly, they knew how and when to look the other way, when someone was breaking down. Generally they gently turned away people who weren’t shinobi-didn’t need to let the civilians see their soldiers breaking down in their cups, and besides that, secrets needed to be kept about missions. It wasn’t so bad if another ninja heard something they weren’t supposed to, all of them knew to keep their mouths shut, but civilians...
Well. They were discouraged from visiting these bars. This late there was a goodly crowd, and she counted herself lucky-though she did not feel it-to have gotten a seat at the bar at all. The bartender set down her drink, and she downed half of it in one gulp.
She didn’t want to think. Didn’t want to feel. The world felt both fuzzy and sharp-edged and Sakura was grateful for the drink. It made the edges a little softer, and smoothed the fuzzy out so things didn’t feel quite so bad. Just an illusion, of course, but it was one she clung to.
And, her thinking went, if one drink was good, then surely another would be better, and then another. She wasn’t thinking of anything then, just letting herself feel wretched and wallowing in her misery. Indulging it. She’d been brave, she’d gone and told him, and now she could do what she wanted, right?
Wasn’t that what she’d always wanted? Just to be able to do whatever?
A choking laugh built in the back of her throat until she couldn’t hold it any longer, and threw back her head, just laughing and laughing. It wasn’t funny, and tears ran down her face, as her chest heaved, and she struggled not to wail. Surely laughing was better than that, even though both of them hurt, right? Laughter made things better, most of the time anyway, and even when her laugh had wound down so that she was all but sobbing she still tried to pretend it was laughter.
Laughter would fix everything, right? It had to because otherwise everything she’d worked for was had come down to nothing. She remembered, at some point, toasting to that, but mostly it’s just the drinks, and the pain.
Then Ino is there, blue eyes bright and her delicate-seeming hands are helping Sakura get off the stool. “Come on,” Ino said, “let’s get you home.”
She didn’t want to go home, and one hand reached to cling to the stool, as she pulled away from Ino. “I don’t want-.” Home wasn’t someplace for her right now. And even with as much as she’s drunk, Sakura can see the exasperation on Ino’s face.
There was a mutter, something about Sasuke and Ino wanting to kill him, and then Ino was reaching for her again. “Come on,” she said, voice pitched on ‘soothing’, “no going home then-how ‘bout to my apartment? It’ll be more comfortable than here, seriously.”
Sakura went unresisting, she didn’t have much choice, really, and as long as it wasn’t home, then she didn’t have objections to it. Her stomach rolled and she clutched at it as they got outside. “I don’t feel good.”
“No kidding.” Ino muttered.
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