I think you did an excellent job with this -- the original has more of a sense of immediacy and personal narrative, and this version gives it more of a grand sweeping feel, like a fantasy epic. *g* You really managed to change the tone quite a bit!
It's interesting to see what different information comes up in different points of view, too. JC does not realise that the person he sees is not actually *looking* at him at all.
I agree with stubbleglitter's comment that it gives a definite change of tone from intimate to sweeping. Also, I hadn't read your original story before, and now I have, and I liked it very much, so thank you for picking that one!
interesting indeed - both the epic feel, rather than the personal tale of the original, and the different information picked out - JC not knowing that Chris cannot see him, and barely noticing Justin for all that Chris and Justin assume.
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I agree with stubbleglitter's comment that it gives a definite change of tone from intimate to sweeping. Also, I hadn't read your original story before, and now I have, and I liked it very much, so thank you for picking that one!
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