Kurt Hummel and the House Elf Quandary, Kurt/Blaine (HP!AU, 6/7), PG-13
Title: Kurt Hummel and the House Elf Quandary
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine (background Brittany/Santana)
Word Count: 1,600+
Summary: "I need someone short," Brittany says. "I think my height scares the house elves. I tried to get Rachel to go with me but she just gave me this speech about slavery that I didn't really understand."
Spoilers: none
Warnings: none
Author Notes: This is fic 6 of 7 of our HP!AU. Previous parts can be found here.
"I will give you ten galleons if you keep doing that forever," Kurt groans, sinking back into the ridiculously fluffy couch in the Hufflepuff common room as Blaine rubs his feet. It feels like the couch is hugging him. Even the sound of two of FluffyPrinceMarshmallow's three heads snoring as he naps in front of the fire is comforting.
"Why do you let Santana goad you into these things?" Blaine says, digging his thumb in under the ball of Kurt's foot.
"Because she has to know she isn't better than me," Kurt huffs. Santana had gotten pissy with him because she was clearly jealous of his new leather boots, and it ended up with them enchanting each other's shoes until they'd both been clomping around with ten inch heels on. Santana's going to be pissed for weeks that she fell down first.
"You're ridiculous," Blaine says, looking at him fondly.
"You should be nice to Santana, you're her best friend after me," Brittany's voice says suddenly.
"Brittany, I have asked you not to do that," Kurt says, clutching his chest where his heart is pounding. "Just tell us when you're here."
"But then I can't listen to your conversations," Brittany says, popping her head up over the back of the couch. "I came to ask you if I can borrow Blaine."
"... For what?" Kurt asks, suspicious. The last time he let Brittany "borrow" Blaine they'd both almost died stuck up a tree in the Forbidden Forest. Blaine still doesn't like to talk about it.
"I need someone short," Brittay says. "I think my height scares the house elves. I tried to get Rachel to go with me but she just gave me this speech about slavery that I didn't really understand."
"I'm not that short," Blaine says, dropping Kurt's foot and crossing his arms over his chest.
"You're really not, sweetie, you're just feeling sensitive because of the heels I had on all day," Kurt says, trailing his toes over Blaine's thigh. He wishes Brittany would just go - foot rubs are excellent foreplay and it never takes Kurt a lot to talk Blaine into sneaking off for sex.
"Will you come anyway?" Brittany asks, pouting down at them. "Bitsy also said I needed to make friends with other students, so I want to make sure she knows that I have friends. I just really want to be a house elf."
"I don't think that's what she meant, Brit," Kurt says, but Blaine shushes him.
"We'll go with you, Brittany, okay?" Blaine says, lifting Kurt's feet off of his lap and standing up. "But this means you have to stop hiding snitches in my trunk for Lord Tubbington to chase. He clawed up all of my underwear."
"That just means he likes you," Brittany says, grinning at them happily.
-
"Miss Brittany, not again, Bitsy is very busy, very busy."
"But I brought friends, see?" Brittany says, gesturing to Kurt and Blaine where they're standng awkwardly just inside the kitchen door, trying to stay out of the way of the scurrying house elves.
"Bitsy is very happy for you, Miss Brittany, but please not now. Many treacle tarts to make today, many indeed."
"Brit, let's just leave," Kurt says gently. "Bitsy looks really busy."
"Thank you, sir," Bitsy says gratefully, dipping in a low curtsy before darting away from Brittany.
"No, wait!" Brittany says. "Kurt, quick, tell them I'd make an excellent house elf."
"No, Brittany," Kurt sighs. His feet still hurt and Blaine so owes him more foot rubbing after this.
"She has been wearing her knee cozies every day except for when Madame Bieste makes her take them off for games," Blaine says helpfully.
"See?" Brittany says. "And I'm really good at Herbology, remember those roots I brought you?"
"One day, Miss Brittany," Bitsy says, resigned. "Perhaps one day, but now Bitsy really must go."
"Okay," Brittany sighs, looking genuinely crushed. "Tell Mopsy I hope he feels better soon. I've been trying to talk Professor Bamboo into letting me grow merryweed, because Santana says it helps people feel better."
"That's not quite what that's for, Brittany," Kurt says gently as Bitsy heads off mumbling something about Santana. Kurt is a little impressed that Santana's even made house elf enemies. "And you should probably stop asking Professor Bamboo if you can grow it."
"I guess I'll just keep growing my Abyssinian shrivelfig," Brittany says, slumping forward out of the kitchen door. "I don't think I'll ever really be a house elf until I'm little like one. You're so lucky, Blaine."
"I'm not that short," Blaine says miserably as they follow Brittany out.
"You're perfect," Kurt whispers in his ear, kissing at his jaw and reaching down to hold Blaine's hand.
"There you are," Santana says, rounding the corner and stopping in front of them, panting. "I've been looking for you everywhere. Not you," she says, glaring at Kurt. "So don't get excited."
"I don't know how I'll live with the disappointment," Kurt replies, rolling his eyes. She's going to be insufferable until she stops being mad at him. Maybe he'll brew her another batch of Forgetfulness Potion and tell her it's Elixir to Induce Euphoria. That usually works.
"Anyway, as I was saying," Santana says, flipping her hair over her shoulder and turning her back on them so she can focus on Brittany. "I thought we talked about you not bothering the house elves anymore."
"I know, but you don't understand," Brittany pouts, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around Santana's waist. "I've wanted to be a house elf ever since I was a little girl because my best friend was our house elf but my mom wouldn't let us have sleepovers. She was always so sad because she wasn't allowed to sleep in my room and I was too big to fit in hers."
"I know," Santana says, her voice surprisingly soft. "You told me all about her, Brit-Brit, but that's just not the way things work right now. Besides, if you became a house elf I'd never get to see you."
"That's not true," Brittany says. "I could still be your girlfriend."
"If I wanted to date a house elf, I'd be dating Blaine," Santana says, waving a hand. "Or maybe Berry. Oh god, what am I saying?"
"I knew you were part house elf!" Brittany says excitedly, letting go of Santana and bouncing over to Blaine. "Rachel swore neither of you were but I knew it."
"I am not part house elf, because I am of perfectly average height," Blaine says, his lips going tight the way they do before he really starts to get mad.
"Santana," Kurt says, his voice sickeningly sweet. "Why don't you take Brittany somewhere else before I forget and mention that spell we don't talk about in front of her."
"You wouldn't," Santana hisses, glaring at him.
"Oh, I would," Kurt says, staring her down until she grumbles under her breath and wraps her arm around Brittany, whispering something in her ear.
"Right now?" Brittany says as Santana hurries her down the hallway. "But we just did that like two hours ago. And what spell is Kurt talking about? You know how hard it is for me to remember spells, is it an important one?"
"What spell are you talking about?" Blaine asks as Brittany's voice fades out down the hallway. "And why can't Brittany know?"
"Diminuendo," Kurt says, wrapping his arms around Blaine's shoulders and resting his weight there. His feet are still aching. "It's a shrinking spell. Santana tried to brew a Persuasion Potion once in fifth year so she could convince everyone in the castle to make an unbreakable vow that they'd never teach Brittany how to use it."
"Why then?" Blaine asks, shuffling them backwards toward the Hufflepuff common room.
"Fifth year was when Brittany realized there were house elves here at Hogwarts," Kurt says. "If she knew there was an easy way to shrink herself, she'd have scampered off to live with them last year."
"Didn't we learn that spell in third year, though?" Blaine asks, tapping the barrels in order to gain entrance to the common room.
"Yeah, but Brittany didn't know about the house elves then, and by the time she found out she must have forgotten," Kurt says, his jaw cracking with the force of the yawn that overtakes him as soon as they're inside. It's like someone cast a sleeping charm on the entire room or something, it's completely ridiculous.
"Seriously, how do you get anything done?" Kurt mumbles as he falls onto the couch, closing his eyes and breathing in deep. He can smell the dough for the treacle tarts baking from the kitchens.
"How do you?" Blaine asks, sitting down on the end of the couch and pulling Kurt's feet into his lap. "It's always so cold in your common room, and there's always something dripping. Or a really big fish staring like it wants to eat you."
"I went in there once," Sam pipes up from the corner where he's playing chess with Mike. "It was terrifying."
"That's because you went in there to hook up with Santana," Mike says. "Of course it was terrifying."
"He has a point," Kurt says, breaking off into an embarrassingly loud moan when Blaine starts in on the arch of his foot.
"Um, should we leave you guys alone?" Sam asks.
"No," Blaine says, "I'm just rubbing his--"
"Yes," Kurt says. "Leave."
"Guys, we're sitting right here," Mike says.
"Oh, like you don't make out with Tina all over the common room," Kurt grumps.
"His feet! I'm just rubbing his feet," Blaine says weakly, but Sam and Mike trudge up the stairs anyway, waving goodnight.
"Not if you play your cards right," Kurt says, sinking down into the couch cushions and closing his eyes. "And if you do my other foot," Kurt continues, wiggling his toes, "I promise I'll rub whatever you want me to."
"Yes sir," Blaine says, grinning down at Kurt.
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine (background Brittany/Santana)
Word Count: 1,600+
Summary: "I need someone short," Brittany says. "I think my height scares the house elves. I tried to get Rachel to go with me but she just gave me this speech about slavery that I didn't really understand."
Spoilers: none
Warnings: none
Author Notes: This is fic 6 of 7 of our HP!AU. Previous parts can be found here.
"I will give you ten galleons if you keep doing that forever," Kurt groans, sinking back into the ridiculously fluffy couch in the Hufflepuff common room as Blaine rubs his feet. It feels like the couch is hugging him. Even the sound of two of FluffyPrinceMarshmallow's three heads snoring as he naps in front of the fire is comforting.
"Why do you let Santana goad you into these things?" Blaine says, digging his thumb in under the ball of Kurt's foot.
"Because she has to know she isn't better than me," Kurt huffs. Santana had gotten pissy with him because she was clearly jealous of his new leather boots, and it ended up with them enchanting each other's shoes until they'd both been clomping around with ten inch heels on. Santana's going to be pissed for weeks that she fell down first.
"You're ridiculous," Blaine says, looking at him fondly.
"You should be nice to Santana, you're her best friend after me," Brittany's voice says suddenly.
"Brittany, I have asked you not to do that," Kurt says, clutching his chest where his heart is pounding. "Just tell us when you're here."
"But then I can't listen to your conversations," Brittany says, popping her head up over the back of the couch. "I came to ask you if I can borrow Blaine."
"... For what?" Kurt asks, suspicious. The last time he let Brittany "borrow" Blaine they'd both almost died stuck up a tree in the Forbidden Forest. Blaine still doesn't like to talk about it.
"I need someone short," Brittay says. "I think my height scares the house elves. I tried to get Rachel to go with me but she just gave me this speech about slavery that I didn't really understand."
"I'm not that short," Blaine says, dropping Kurt's foot and crossing his arms over his chest.
"You're really not, sweetie, you're just feeling sensitive because of the heels I had on all day," Kurt says, trailing his toes over Blaine's thigh. He wishes Brittany would just go - foot rubs are excellent foreplay and it never takes Kurt a lot to talk Blaine into sneaking off for sex.
"Will you come anyway?" Brittany asks, pouting down at them. "Bitsy also said I needed to make friends with other students, so I want to make sure she knows that I have friends. I just really want to be a house elf."
"I don't think that's what she meant, Brit," Kurt says, but Blaine shushes him.
"We'll go with you, Brittany, okay?" Blaine says, lifting Kurt's feet off of his lap and standing up. "But this means you have to stop hiding snitches in my trunk for Lord Tubbington to chase. He clawed up all of my underwear."
"That just means he likes you," Brittany says, grinning at them happily.
-
"Miss Brittany, not again, Bitsy is very busy, very busy."
"But I brought friends, see?" Brittany says, gesturing to Kurt and Blaine where they're standng awkwardly just inside the kitchen door, trying to stay out of the way of the scurrying house elves.
"Bitsy is very happy for you, Miss Brittany, but please not now. Many treacle tarts to make today, many indeed."
"Brit, let's just leave," Kurt says gently. "Bitsy looks really busy."
"Thank you, sir," Bitsy says gratefully, dipping in a low curtsy before darting away from Brittany.
"No, wait!" Brittany says. "Kurt, quick, tell them I'd make an excellent house elf."
"No, Brittany," Kurt sighs. His feet still hurt and Blaine so owes him more foot rubbing after this.
"She has been wearing her knee cozies every day except for when Madame Bieste makes her take them off for games," Blaine says helpfully.
"See?" Brittany says. "And I'm really good at Herbology, remember those roots I brought you?"
"One day, Miss Brittany," Bitsy says, resigned. "Perhaps one day, but now Bitsy really must go."
"Okay," Brittany sighs, looking genuinely crushed. "Tell Mopsy I hope he feels better soon. I've been trying to talk Professor Bamboo into letting me grow merryweed, because Santana says it helps people feel better."
"That's not quite what that's for, Brittany," Kurt says gently as Bitsy heads off mumbling something about Santana. Kurt is a little impressed that Santana's even made house elf enemies. "And you should probably stop asking Professor Bamboo if you can grow it."
"I guess I'll just keep growing my Abyssinian shrivelfig," Brittany says, slumping forward out of the kitchen door. "I don't think I'll ever really be a house elf until I'm little like one. You're so lucky, Blaine."
"I'm not that short," Blaine says miserably as they follow Brittany out.
"You're perfect," Kurt whispers in his ear, kissing at his jaw and reaching down to hold Blaine's hand.
"There you are," Santana says, rounding the corner and stopping in front of them, panting. "I've been looking for you everywhere. Not you," she says, glaring at Kurt. "So don't get excited."
"I don't know how I'll live with the disappointment," Kurt replies, rolling his eyes. She's going to be insufferable until she stops being mad at him. Maybe he'll brew her another batch of Forgetfulness Potion and tell her it's Elixir to Induce Euphoria. That usually works.
"Anyway, as I was saying," Santana says, flipping her hair over her shoulder and turning her back on them so she can focus on Brittany. "I thought we talked about you not bothering the house elves anymore."
"I know, but you don't understand," Brittany pouts, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around Santana's waist. "I've wanted to be a house elf ever since I was a little girl because my best friend was our house elf but my mom wouldn't let us have sleepovers. She was always so sad because she wasn't allowed to sleep in my room and I was too big to fit in hers."
"I know," Santana says, her voice surprisingly soft. "You told me all about her, Brit-Brit, but that's just not the way things work right now. Besides, if you became a house elf I'd never get to see you."
"That's not true," Brittany says. "I could still be your girlfriend."
"If I wanted to date a house elf, I'd be dating Blaine," Santana says, waving a hand. "Or maybe Berry. Oh god, what am I saying?"
"I knew you were part house elf!" Brittany says excitedly, letting go of Santana and bouncing over to Blaine. "Rachel swore neither of you were but I knew it."
"I am not part house elf, because I am of perfectly average height," Blaine says, his lips going tight the way they do before he really starts to get mad.
"Santana," Kurt says, his voice sickeningly sweet. "Why don't you take Brittany somewhere else before I forget and mention that spell we don't talk about in front of her."
"You wouldn't," Santana hisses, glaring at him.
"Oh, I would," Kurt says, staring her down until she grumbles under her breath and wraps her arm around Brittany, whispering something in her ear.
"Right now?" Brittany says as Santana hurries her down the hallway. "But we just did that like two hours ago. And what spell is Kurt talking about? You know how hard it is for me to remember spells, is it an important one?"
"What spell are you talking about?" Blaine asks as Brittany's voice fades out down the hallway. "And why can't Brittany know?"
"Diminuendo," Kurt says, wrapping his arms around Blaine's shoulders and resting his weight there. His feet are still aching. "It's a shrinking spell. Santana tried to brew a Persuasion Potion once in fifth year so she could convince everyone in the castle to make an unbreakable vow that they'd never teach Brittany how to use it."
"Why then?" Blaine asks, shuffling them backwards toward the Hufflepuff common room.
"Fifth year was when Brittany realized there were house elves here at Hogwarts," Kurt says. "If she knew there was an easy way to shrink herself, she'd have scampered off to live with them last year."
"Didn't we learn that spell in third year, though?" Blaine asks, tapping the barrels in order to gain entrance to the common room.
"Yeah, but Brittany didn't know about the house elves then, and by the time she found out she must have forgotten," Kurt says, his jaw cracking with the force of the yawn that overtakes him as soon as they're inside. It's like someone cast a sleeping charm on the entire room or something, it's completely ridiculous.
"Seriously, how do you get anything done?" Kurt mumbles as he falls onto the couch, closing his eyes and breathing in deep. He can smell the dough for the treacle tarts baking from the kitchens.
"How do you?" Blaine asks, sitting down on the end of the couch and pulling Kurt's feet into his lap. "It's always so cold in your common room, and there's always something dripping. Or a really big fish staring like it wants to eat you."
"I went in there once," Sam pipes up from the corner where he's playing chess with Mike. "It was terrifying."
"That's because you went in there to hook up with Santana," Mike says. "Of course it was terrifying."
"He has a point," Kurt says, breaking off into an embarrassingly loud moan when Blaine starts in on the arch of his foot.
"Um, should we leave you guys alone?" Sam asks.
"No," Blaine says, "I'm just rubbing his--"
"Yes," Kurt says. "Leave."
"Guys, we're sitting right here," Mike says.
"Oh, like you don't make out with Tina all over the common room," Kurt grumps.
"His feet! I'm just rubbing his feet," Blaine says weakly, but Sam and Mike trudge up the stairs anyway, waving goodnight.
"Not if you play your cards right," Kurt says, sinking down into the couch cushions and closing his eyes. "And if you do my other foot," Kurt continues, wiggling his toes, "I promise I'll rub whatever you want me to."
"Yes sir," Blaine says, grinning down at Kurt.