Changing Lives 39/55 (Sam/Janet femslash) Stargate SG-1
"Can we go home Jan?" Sam pleaded with Janet, after nearly four hours in the infirmary. "I'm okay now."
Janet checked Sam's vitals, and smiled gently. "I don't see why not, just as long as you take it slowly."
"I swear," Sam said. "Whatever you want. You call the shots."
= = =
Sam settled Sam on the couch and went into the kitchen to make them both a late lunch. She was determined that Sam would be tempted by what she made, despite her current markedly poor appetite. Janet was glad that O'Neill had suggested that she and Sam take time off together, but she was more worried about her lover than she liked to admit. Yes, Sam had often had nightmares in the past, but none that seemed to take her over like these ones. She hated to even countenance the possibility that Sam might be right; could she be suffering a mental illness, even a temporary one? And if so, what had caused it?
That was the problem with the Stargate, there were so many diseases that could have originated on other planets, and not all of the symptoms were physical. During Sam's brief time in the infirmary, Janet took every blood test she could think of. All the results so far were negative, and she had no reason to believe that the outstanding tests, due back over the next few days, would be any different.
Janet's priority, though, was to help Sam to cope with whatever it was that was happening to her. If she could, somehow, relax a little about what she was experiencing, there was a greater chance that she could get some rest which in turn would make her stronger and more able to cope.
Janet returned to the living room, carrying a bowl of home-made soup and some bread on a tray. "Hey," she said softly.
Sam smiled. "That looks good, honey," she said.
= = =
After another heavily disturbed night, Janet was really starting to worry. She couldn't work out the best way to help Sam, and was facing up to the fact that she was going to have to bring in outside help of some sort. She didn't know how to broach the subject with Sam; Sam had always resisted any form of 'mind doctor'. She had told Janet, in no uncertain terms and on more than one occasion, that if she ever needed to 'talk to' someone, she would talk to Janet. So Janet knew not to offer post-traumatic counseling whenever Sam returned from a particularly harrowing mission. And Sam usually did talk to Janet, eventually. Sometimes it took her a few weeks, especially if she had had to kill or maim someone. Sam was a good soldier, and always tried to make the right tactical decision in any combat situation. But of course this didn't mean that often her decisions would haunt her afterward. This was one of the things that Janet loved about her. She hated to see her suffer, but in a strange way was pleased that Sam's humanity had not been dented by her many years as a soldier; in some ways, making the decisions seemed to get harder for her, not easier.
Sam and Janet had a leisurely breakfast that morning, and Janet insisted that Sam rest on the couch while she attended to some paperwork. She brushed off Sam's attempts to help her. "You rest, honey," she told her gently, "I'll be right in here with you. And try not to worry, I'm not gonna leave you, so you can sleep if you want to, I'll be right here, I swear."
At around 11am, Janet heard a soft tapping on the front door. She looked over to Sam, and was pleased to see that her eyes were shut and she seemed peaceful. Wondering who it was, she made her way quietly to the door.
"Mom!" Janet exclaimed, trying to keep her voice low. "What are you doing here?" and she gathered her mother in her arms and hugged her tight. She was surprised to find her own eyes filling with tears. "Oh Mom, I'm so pleased to see you."
"J, my darling," Kathryn returned her daughter's hug. "Rob was driving this way this morning, I got him to give me a ride." She pulled back slightly from her daughter's arms, and looked closely into her face, noting her pinched features and tense look. "Cassie called me," she said simply. "She said Sam was sick, and that you were worried. I thought you might like a visit."
"Oh Mom," Janet embraced her again. "I can't tell you how pleased I am to see you. She's okay, we're okay. Truly. Sam's not actually sick, not yet anyway. But she's having a hard time, and I just want to help her."
Kathryn kissed her softly on the cheek. "Make me a coffee, tell me all about it."
Janet nodded, and led her down the corridor, pushing her into the kitchen. "I just want to check on Sam," she said. She stuck her head into the living room, and was relieved to see Sam still sleeping peacefully. She returned to the kitchen. "She's asleep," she told her mother, "finally."
"So J, what's going on?" Kathryn asked.
"Sam's having nightmares. Real bad ones. Or flashbacks. Or something, I don't really know what it is. Actually," she finally vocalized the thing that was worrying her the most. "I don't think it's so much the content of the dreams, though sometimes that's bad. Sometimes General O'Neill dies; or Daniel loses a leg; or Teal'c goes dark-side. I don't think it's that so much. I think Sam's worried about how realistic it always is. She describes it as more of a memory than a dream. And it's always the same, just different parts of the same story." She swallowed, and looked into her mother's eyes. "I think Sam thinks she might be losing her mind," she finally admitted. "That beautiful mind of hers. What if she's right, Mom?" She angrily brushed away tears she hadn't realized had fallen. "How can I help her?"
"Oh my little Jay-bird," Kathryn put her arms round Janet. "Sam's not going crazy. No more crazy than usual, anyway," at that Janet was at least able to muster a small smile. "She's just having a hard time dealing with something. And you," she looked into Janet's face, "are exhausted. How long is it since you had a good night's sleep?"
"A few days," Janet said, "but I can't leave her Mom. She gets so scared when she wakes up sometimes. I've promised her I won't leave her."
"I'm not suggesting for a moment you leave her, J," Kathryn said softly, "and I know you wouldn't anyway, just as she wouldn't leave you when you needed her. I just think you should sleep properly for a few hours. Just how long is it you've been having disturbed nights?"
"Nearly a week now," Sam's voice was quiet. Janet and Kathryn looked up, and saw Sam standing in the kitchen doorway, a blanket round her shoulders. "Janet hasn't slept properly for six nights now, thanks to me," she tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice. "I keep telling her to go up and catch a few hours, but she won't listen to me. Hey Kathryn," she added, belatedly.
"Samantha!" Kathryn cried, going over to embrace her daughter-in-law. She was shocked by her pale face and black rings under her eyes, but she pretended not to notice. "I'm so sorry things are tough for you."
Sam hugged her back. "Thank you for coming," she said quietly. "It's great to see you."
Kathryn took her hand and pushed her gently toward a chair by the kitchen table. "I have an idea," she said. "I'm gonna make you some camomile tea, Sam. Then I suggest you and I take our drinks to the living room, and we can talk. Or listen to music. Or just sit quietly. Just for a couple of hours. While you, J, head upstairs and catch some sleep." She could see Janet about to protest. "You're not going to be any help to Sam if you make yourself sick too, J," she scolded. "And we'll be okay down here, won't we Sam?" she smiled tenderly at her daughter-in-law.
"I think that's a great idea," Sam said firmly. "Janet, I hate that I'm keeping you awake," she decided to play dirty, "it's not going to make me feel any better if I drive you to exhaustion. Will you sleep baby? For me?"
Janet smiled, fully aware that her mother and her lover had ganged up on her. "Okay," she said, "just for a couple of hours. Mom, how long can you stay?"
Kathryn pointed to a small bag that she had put down in the corner of the kitchen. "As long as you need me," she said, "I've brought clothes for a few days, but we can always do some laundry! Sam, why don't you take J upstairs while I make the tea? Make sure she goes to bed!"
Sam leaned over and kissed her mother-in-law on the cheek. "Thank you," she said, simply. She then took Janet by the hand and led her upstairs.
Sam helped Janet change into her pajamas. She pushed her gently onto the bed, and pulled the covers up almost to her chin. She leant down and kissed her, very softly, on the lips. "I'm so sorry, baby," she whispered. "Sleep now. We'll see you later."
"I love you Sam," Janet said. "Never forget that. We'll work this out."
"I know," Sam said as she got up to leave, "I know we will."
When Sam came downstairs, Kathryn had dimmed the lights in the living room. Playing on the stereo was Bach's cello suites, one of Sam's great favorites. The camomile tea was ready, and Kathryn was sipping at her own coffee, sitting on the corner of the couch. She patted the seat next to her. "Come sit by me, Samantha," she said, "and we'll relax together."
Sam always knew how lucky she was to have such an amazing mother-in-law. As well as being kind and loving, and a wonderful grandmother to Cassie, she was also wise and gentle and somehow always knew when she was needed most. She could also be fierce in defense of her loved ones; Sam knew she would never forget Kathryn's fury when she found out that Cassie had been bullied by one particular girl at school. She was even angrier when she had found out that the bullying was the result of the girl finding out that Cassie had two mothers. To that day, Sam didn't know what Kathryn had done, but she had marched down to the school and the problem stopped that day. "You don't need to know," Kathryn had told Janet when she had asked her what had gone on. "All you need to know is that it's over now." And it was.
So Sam sat down gratefully next to Kathryn and took her hand. "I'm so sorry," she said in a small voice. "I hate what I'm doing to Jan. But she won't let me sleep in the other room, or stay on base. I don't know what to do, Kathryn," Sam sounded so tired and sad that Kathryn's heart melted.
She put her arm round Sam, and grabbed one of the cushions off the couch and put it in her lap. She pulled Sam gently down so that she was lying on the couch, her head on the cushion. "Shh," Kathryn said. "Just try and sleep now. It will be alright Sam, I promise you that. It's all gonna be okay."
= = =
Four hours later, Janet awoke, feeling greatly refreshed. She looked at her watch, not quite believing the time. She pulled on her robe and went downstairs. She walked quietly as she entered the living room. Her mom was on the couch with Sam in her arms. Sam was mumbling quietly, her hand fiercely gripping Kathryn's. "She's okay, J," Kathryn's voice was quiet and tender. "She's been very restless, but I think she's gotten some sleep. You're looking better, honey."
"I'm feeling good, Mom," Janet replied, and crouched down by Sam's head. She ran her hand softly through Sam's thick hair. "Thank you for watching her."
Sam shifted at the sound of Janet's voice. Her eyes opened, and she blinked blearily. "Hey," she smiled drowsily. "Did you sleep baby?"
"I did, Sam," Janet put her hand on her arm. "I feel good."
Sam sat up slightly, and Kathryn took the opportunity to move out from under her. "You sit," Kathryn instructed Janet, and Janet eagerly took her mother's place, sliding an arm round Sam's shoulders. "I'm gonna make some tea."
Janet kissed Sam gently. "I missed you," she told her.
= = =
Kathryn returned five minutes later bearing a tray of tea and cookies. She passed round steaming mugs, and settled herself in the chair opposite the couch. "I've been thinking," she said.
Janet gave a mock-groan, making Sam smile.
"No, J, I'm serious. I've been thinking about what's going on here. And I don't think you're crazy, Sam. I really don't. I think maybe the both of you should consider that maybe these dreams, nightmares if you will, aren't really that. Maybe Sam," she looked over at her, "maybe they're memories."
Sam looked confused. "That's what's so strange," she shook her head. "That's what I don't understand. They don't feel like dreams. They're just like memories. Dreams, or nightmares, are weirder, unconnected. These are just like something that actually happened. But I don't get it," she became agitated. "I know it didn't happen. The General hasn't died, thank God. Daniel didn't lose a leg. The ceremony was fine. I mean, General O'Neill was right, it was boring. But it's over. Ba'al's been extracted. It's over."
"It's over now," Kathryn's voice was quiet but authoritative. "But have you considered that maybe it wasn't once? Think about it Sam. You've often talked about different realities. Different timelines. Have you thought that perhaps that's what happened? Maybe, and I know I could be totally wrong, but maybe that's what happened, and you somehow fixed the timeline? And now, somehow, one timeline's bleeding into another, just slightly. Just enough to give you these nightmares."
For the first time in days, Janet saw a spark of hope in Sam's eyes. "I suppose it's possible," Sam said slowly. "What do you think, Jan?"
Janet nodded. "It makes sense, baby," she said. "It makes more sense than anything else I can think of."
"So how do find out?" Sam sat up, looking eager. "I mean, do I need to see a shrink, or what?"
Janet was amazed; she knew how much Sam hated psychiatrists, so she must been keen to resolve the issue. "I have an idea," she said. "Not a shrink, not as such. Hypnotherapy. Alison Grier, who works at the Academy hospital, we're sometimes on the same shifts, she's had great success with hypnotherapy. And she's got all the clearance, you could tell her anything. What d'you think Sam, want to give it a shot?"
Sam nodded. "I've done it before," she said, "there was that time when we thought Daniel was dead," she shuddered at the memory, "and at college too. I think I should give it a try, Jan."
Kathryn smiled.
= = =
"She's coming to the house," Janet told Sam. "I told her we want to keep it out of your record, for the moment at least, and she's cool with that. She says it also helps if you're in a comfortable environment, so she's happier doing it from here too."
"When?" Sam wanted to know, fear clear in her expressive eyes.
"This afternoon," Janet took her hand. "I'll be with you the whole time, honey, I swear."
Sam swallowed. "It'll be okay," she said, more to herself than to Janet. "I know it will."
"You're very brave," Janet told her.
= = =
"Dr Grier, nice to meet you," Sam held out her hand.
"Call me Alison, please," the doctor smiled warmly at Sam. She was in her early fifties, red-haired with a bohemian air to her. "And can I call you Sam?"
Sam readily agreed. The next 20 minutes were taken up with general pleasantries, coffee and a potted background from Sam.
"Okay," Alison Grier said. "I think we should just get down to it. Now Sam," she told the obviously nervous woman, "I want you to be comfortable. Or at least as comfortable as you can be while I root around in your psyche!" she grinned to put Sam at her ease. "Do you want Janet with you? Or is it easier for you to do this on your own?"
"I want Janet," Sam said firmly. "If that's okay."
Sam eventually settled on the couch with Janet next to her, holding her hand.
"Now some of this is bound to be difficult," Alison said gently. "So try not to worry. And you, Janet, just be there for Sam. She might have to relive some difficult memories, but they are only memories, she's okay now, so try not to worry. Just be there for her." Janet tightened her grip on Sam's hand. "And we should get some answers today, remember that," Alison reminded them. "If we can get to the bottom of this, you get your life back Sam, we should be able to stop the nightmares."
"That'd be good," Sam said.
= = =
The next two hours were difficult for Sam and Janet. As Sam recalled some of the more traumatic moments from the other timeline, she became distressed and panicky, which in turn made Janet's heart bleed for her. Alison made her go through the story in chronological order, and only when she'd got to the part when they were rescued and safe on the submarine did she call a halt.
She carefully brought Sam back to full consciousness. "Well done, Sam," she told her quietly. "You did real well. And, for what it's worth, it seems clear to me that you are remembering things that actually did happen. It's my professional opinion that Mrs Fraiser was right, you have been dealing with memories, not imaginings."
"So I'm not crazy?" Sam's voice was small and scared.
"No, Sam, you're not. We've still got a lot of work to do, you've got a lot to work through. But you're not crazy. You're as sane as I am!" her eyes twinkled as she said that. "Okay, so maybe that's not a good comparison. But you're okay Sam," she leant forward and put her hand on Sam's. "You're okay. Just that knowledge should mean you sleep better now. And we'll work through the rest."
"So why am I not getting the dreams?" Janet wanted to know.
"Who knows?" Alison answered. "Everybody's different. Once we've worked this through, it might be worth talking to the others involved, see if they've had any strange experiences. But for now, it's enough to know that Sam's alright, isn't it?"
"Oh God yes," Janet breathed, "that's all I care about." She squeezed Sam's fingers.
= = =
The mood at the dinner table that night was elated. Cassie and Anna were overjoyed to find when they returned in the evening that Sam had not only seen a doctor, but especially that she had been declared mentally fit. They both knew that Sam would have found it nigh-on impossible to deal with mental illness, and they were so glad she didn't have to.
Cassie was also thrilled to see her grandmother, and couldn't wait to introduce her to Anna. "This is Annie," she pulled her lovser forward to meet Kathryn.
Kathryn looked at Cassie's girlfriend -- fiancee -- and smiled warmly. "Anna," she said affectionately, "that's a lovely name, for a lovely girl. I'm so pleased to meet you," and she hugged her affectionately. "I hope this family isn't too overwhelming for you," she said.
Anna laughed. "It's perfect," she told her, "and I'm so pleased to meet the head of the family at last!"
= = =
Janet looked lovingly at Sam who had just climbed into bed. She slid in beside her, and kissed her, softly at first, then deepening the kiss. "You okay baby?" she asked her tenderly.
"I'm great Jan," Sam told her, "I'm happy. Relieved. Tired," she laughed ruefully.
"Sleep honey," Janet pulled her to her so that Sam was nestled in her front, their hands intertwined.
"Thank you Janet, for everything," Sam's voice shook slightly. "I love you."