Changing Lives 38/55 (Sam/Janet femslash) Stargate SG-1
Sam fell to sleep after just minutes in the car. Janet looked over at her tenderly. Her lover was clearly exhausted. Janet was pleased she had decided to come to the mountain to meet her.
As they drew up to the house, Janet pressed the remote to open the garage. Sam stayed asleep as Janet exited the car, and opened Sam's door. "Sam?" Janet said quietly, placing her hand gently on Sam's arm. "We're home honey."
Sam just grunted and turned into the seat. "Stay here," she said drowsily.
"Come on, baby," Janet said softly, "let's get you to bed." Sam ignored her and burrowed deeper into the upholstery of the car. "Sam?" Janet pleaded. "Come on, you can't stay here all night." There was still no response; Janet decided to play dirty. "Colonel Carter!" she barked sharply.
Sam sat up immediately. "Wha?" she blinked as she came to fully.
Janet grinned. "I'm sorry, baby," she smiled. "I couldn't wake you."
Sam smiled sheepishly. "Sorry Jan," she apologized. "Didn't mean to fall asleep."
"My sleeping beauty," Janet teased. "You're cute when you're sleeping, did you know that?"
Sam mock-scowled. "That's only 'cos I'm not talking when I'm sleeping," she smiled. A thought occurred to her. "If I'm your sleeping beauty, you should know the best way to wake me up properly is to kiss me!"
Janet grinned widely. "Like this?" she asked, kissing Sam thoroughly.
"Yeah," Sam replied somewhat breathlessly. "Something like that I guess. Better try it again, make sure you've got it right!"
So Janet kissed her again. Sam gasped at the passion of the kiss. "You're good at that," she breathed.
"I get a lot of practise," Janet winked. "C'mon honey, time for bed." And she took Sam by the hand, leading her through the side door of the garage to the kitchen and then upstairs. Sam was docile and affectionate. Janet pushed her gently onto the bed, and helped her change into her nightshirt. "You go wash up," Janet told her, "I'll just go let Toby out to pee. I'll only be a few minutes," she saw the look of disappointment on Sam's face.
= = =
In the event, it was ten minutes before Janet returned to their bedroom, having let the dog out for a pee and done a thorough check on all the doors and windows before she headed upstairs again. Normally Sam did the security check when they were both home, but she wanted to save her the trouble. She knew Sam needed her sleep and she didn't want her delayed any.
When she got back into the bedroom, Janet was unsurprised to see Sam's sleeping form. "I'll be right there," she whispered to her lover, and hurried into the bathroom. She undressed swiftly and stepped under the warm spray of the shower. She was just rinsing the shampoo out of her hair when she heard the bathroom door open; seconds later, she felt Sam approach her from behind, wrapping her long arms round her.
"Hey," Janet whispered softly. "I thought you were asleep."
"Was," Sam replied drowsily. "Got lonely," and she tightened her grip on her lover.
Janet turned in her embrace to face her. "Well it's good to see you," she smiled, and reached up to stroke Sam's face. She was concerned to see that Sam's face was far too pale, and she had dark rings under her eyes. "Hey, sweetie," she said softly, "are you feeling okay? You don't look so hot."
"M'okay," Sam mumbled. "Jus' tired."
"Well let's head back to bed," Janet's voice was soothing and tender.
"Not just yet," Sam said. "Want to feel you. Want you. Here. Now." And she leant in and kissed Janet passionately.
"You need to sleep," Janet tried to protest, her resolve weakening at the sensation.
"I will," Sam told her. "We both will. After. I'll be quick, I swear," her eyes twinkled with mischief.
The two women climaxed simultaneously only minutes afterwards. "You're amazing, Sam," Janet gasped when she got her breathing back under control.
Sam grinned lazily. "Back at ya," she failed to stifle a yawn.
"Bed," Janet said firmly, shutting off the shower and steering Sam out of the stall. She grabbed a huge towel from the side, wrapping it round her lover, then taking another to wrap round herself. She set Sam on the side of the bed, and turned and retrieved Sam's nightshirt from where she had discarded it on the floor.
By the time Janet had on her own pajamas, and climbed into bed next Sam, Sam was 99% asleep. "Love you," Sam said sleepily, and nestled into her side.
= = =
Janet had hoped that a good night's sleep would bring Sam back up to full strength. However, she was disappointed. An hour or so after falling to sleep, Sam started to move around restlessly, waking Janet from her own slumber with her fidgeting and mumbling. Janet guessed that Sam was dreaming and, from the expression on her face, knew that it wasn't a pleasant dream. "No," Sam mumbled. "Don't. Where's Vala?" Janet found it hard to decipher her words. Just as she was wondering if she should wake her lover, Sam sat up sharply, gasping, suddenly awake.
"Sam?" Janet put her hand on her trembling back. "Bad dream, huh?"
Sam turned and looked at her, a scared look on her face. At the sight of Janet, her features softened. "Yeah," she visibly fought to pull herself together. "Sorry, Jan," she said, "seemed so real."
"You're okay," Janet said softly, gentling her cheek. "It's okay, everybody's okay."
"Yeah," Sam said again, "yeah." She let Janet guide her back down to the bed. "Didn't mean to wake you."
"Think you can sleep?" Janet asked.
"Hmm," Sam replied, already half-asleep. "With you there I can."
"I'm not going anywhere Sam," Janet reassured her. "I'm right here with you baby."
Two hours later, Janet was brought suddenly to consciousness by a harsh scream that tore from Sam's throat. She sat up and put her arms round Sam, who was sobbing uncontrollably even though she was not yet fully awake. "Sam?" she said gently, "Sam, it's okay. You had a nightmare, baby. You're home, you're safe. We're all safe, I swear to you," she rubbed her hand up and down Sam's back.
Sam was finally fully awake. "I thought he was dead," she said miserably through her tears. "Ba'al stabbed him. He died, Jan," she looked so scared and sad, "right there at the ceremony."
"Who died baby?" Janet asked, reaching out to switch on the lamp on the night stand.
"General O'Neill. Told us to leave him there," Sam realized she wasn't making much sense.
"The general's okay, Sam," Janet soothed, "he was right there at the SGC when I came to get you tonight. You've been having a bad dream, sweetheart. He's okay. He's really okay."
At that point, there was a knock on the door. "Come in," Janet said softly, guessing who it was.
Cassie put her head round the door. "Mom?" she blinked at the light in the room, "is everything okay? We heard screaming."
"We're fine, Cass," Janet told her. "Sam had a nightmare, is all. We're okay, aren't we Sam?"
Sam nodded miserably. "Yeah," she said shakily. "Sorry."
Janet squeezed her fingers. "Nothin' to be sorry for Sam, is there Cass?"
"'course not," Cassie replied. "Can I get you anything?"
Janet realized Sam was shaking. "Maybe another blanket?" she suggested to Cassie, "Sam's a little cold" she smoothed the hair from Sam's face. Sam nodded. "And maybe a couple of Tylenol," she had seen Sam squinting in pain. "Get rid of that headache, huh, Sam?"
Sam nodded again. "That'd be good," she said in a quiet voice.
In minutes, Cassie returned with a warm blanket and the tablets, as well as a glass of water. She wrapped the blanket round Sam's shoulders. "I'll be right back," she said as she left the room again. Shortly afterward, she returned to their bedroom bearing two hot water bottles. "Thought you might like these," she told Sam, handing one to her and tucking the other under her feet which were like ice.
"Cass, you're an angel," Janet's voice was soft; Sam's eyes were already closing.
"Call me if you need anything," Cassie said. "I love you Mom. And Sam."
Janet blew her a kiss.
= = =
"You warm enough honey?" Janet asked Sam gently as she helped her to lie back down on the pillow.
"Hmm," Sam replied. "So sorry."
"You know you don't have to be sorry," Janet told her. "Just try and sleep now Sam, okay?"
Sam mumbled a reply that Janet couldn't hear, and burrowed into Janet's front.
Janet was concerned. Sam often had nightmares, but this one was much more violent than usual, and had clearly shaken Sam to the core. She tightened her grip round Sam, hoping to impart some of her own strength. When Janet got up at 9am, Sam was sleeping peacefully.
Janet was half way through serving breakfast when she saw Sam enter the kitchen. She still looked pale and tired.
"Hey," Janet went over and kissed her softly. "I was hoping you'd sleep a bit longer."
"I woke up," Sam said, "and I missed you," she said simply. "Anyway," she tried to lighten the atmosphere, "looks like all the fun's going on down here," she gestured to Cassie at the stove.
"Hey Sam!" Cassie grinned, "Mom's showing me how to make pancakes!"
Sam smiled. "And just how is that going?" she asked drily, her eyes on a blackened mess on one of the plates.
Anna laughed. "Let's just say I didn't fall in love with Cass for her domestic abilities!" she said, as Sam sat down next to her at the table. She put her hand briefly on Sam's. "Are you okay?" she asked in a quiet voice.
"Yeah," Sam smiled back at her daughter-in-law. "I'm sorry about last night. Bad nightmare, seemed so real somehow. But I'm fine. And I'm glad to see all of my family today. Even if Cassie's doing the cooking."
"It's okay, Sam, I made these ones myself," Janet laughed, as she passed a plate to Sam. "I think perhaps Cass needs a bit more practise!"
As promised, Sam took her family out for a big lunch to celebrate the girls' engagement. The lunch was long and raucous. At the end of it, Cassie stood up unexpectedly and made the others cry by giving a speech telling them all that it was the example that Sam and Janet gave her that allowed her to love Anna as much as she did. "And if we end up with even a fifth of the happiness that you two share," she raised her glass to Sam and Janet, "we'll consider ourselves very lucky."
= = =
By early evening, Sam was dead on her feet. "Time for bed, I think," Janet declared just after 9pm. "I know it's early," she saw Sam looking at her watch, "but you need your sleep honey. We both do. C'mon," and she pulled her off the couch and pushed her firmly toward the stairs. "We'll see you two tomorrow," she smiled at Cassie and Anna. "Can you let Toby out for a pee before you go to bed?"
"Sure thing, Mom," Cassie replied, "sleep well."
= = =
"Think you can sleep?" Janet peered anxiously at Sam, who seemed very tense all of a sudden.
"Hope so," Sam said, though she was feeling very tense.
"Want me to give you something?" Janet suggested.
Sam shook her head. "No," she said, "might make the nightmares worse. If they come."
Janet sat on the side of the bed and pulled Sam down next to her. She pushed her hair behind her ear. "What makes you think you're gonna have nightmares again baby?" she asked tenderly.
Sam shook her head miserably. "Dunno," she replied. "It just... kinda... feels that way. It seemed so real last night Jan. Kinda makes me want to stay awake."
Janet kissed her softly. "Oh honey," she said, "I'm sorry you're feeling that way. But you have to sleep, you know that right? And there's no reason to expect you'll have bad dreams. And even if you do, I'm here with you. We'll stop them together, huh?"
"Okay," Sam's voice was small.
= = =
Janet's hopes that Sam was wrong about the nightmares were sadly unfounded. Three times in the night, Sam started tossing and turning, muttering about Ba'al, the Arctic, Daniel and invasions. Each time, she held Sam until she awoke, holding her tight and uttering sweet nothings until her lover's heart rate finally slowed.
By the time morning came, Janet was exhausted, and she could see from Sam's face that she was even more so. "I think we're going to have to talk about this honey," Janet said to her after breakfast once the girls had gone out for a long walk with Toby. "We need to find out why this is happening now."
Sam shook her head vehemently. "No," she protested. "I'm just tired. I'll be okay. We go back to work tomorrow, I'll be fine once I get back into a routine."
Janet reached over and took Sam's hand. "I think it's more than an upset routine, honey," she said gently, "there's something going on there," and she tapped the side of Sam's head softly.
"No, damn it!" Sam almost shouted. "I'm okay. Truly. I'm sorry I woke you, but I'm fine." What Sam didn't, couldn't, tell Janet is that she was starting to worry that her mind was playing tricks on her. In the moments between sleeping and waking, the dreams that played out in front of her eyelids seemed so real, more like memories than dreams. She didn't tell Janet but she had surreptitiously called General O'Neill that morning, on a pretext, just to prove to herself that he was alive. She knew she was acting dumb, but she couldn't help it. She also couldn't bear the idea of some busybody Air Force shrink delving into her psyche. It would all be okay, once she got back to work, saw the others, knew they were alright.
That night, Sam made a point of staying awake until Janet drifted off to sleep. Sam watched her lover for a while, and felt horribly guilty for the stress she was putting her through. Asleep all the worry lines disappeared from Janet's face, and she looked serene and content. Just like she had only a few days ago, Sam realized bitterly, before her mind had decided to take a walk on the wild side.
Once she was sure that Janet was fully asleep, Sam crept out of their bedroom and headed for the spare room at the end of the corridor. She was determined that no more of her nightmares would waken Janet.
= = =
"Sam?" Sam heard a familiar voice. "Sam, I know you can hear me. Ease down, honey, you're okay. We're all okay. Try and take deep breaths Sam, I'm here with you."
Suddenly Sam was awake, and realized she was in Janet's arms, tears streaking her face, her whole body shaking.
Janet had heard Sam's cries from down the corridor, and had realized that her lover had decamped to the other room. She ran down the corridor, and was shocked to see a wild-eyed Sam in the throes of a horrific nightmare. She wished she knew what it was that was frightening Sam so much in the small hours of the morning, but nothing she said seemed to get through to her. Once Sam had finally woken, she pushed Janet away. "I'm okay," she told Janet firmly. "Go back to bed."
"Come with me, Sam," Janet pleaded. "Back to our room."
Sam shook her head. "Not tonight," she said. She saw the hurt look in Janet's eyes, and hated herself. "Maybe tomorrow," she weakened. "I need to do this by myself, Jan, I need to know I can sleep on my own," her tone was pleading.
So Janet reluctantly withdrew. She could see in the morning by the tension on Sam's face that she had not slept for the rest of the night. She reached over to take her hand at breakfast. "Take the day off, baby," she begged her. "You haven't slept for days. You need to get your strength back."
"I'm fine," Sam said mulishly. "A day at the mountain will do me good. Anyway, General O'Neill's standing in for Landry for the next month, he'll need me there. We've got a meeting with the Tok'ra later on today, I have to be there for that."
Janet knew it was fruitless to argue with Sam. Maybe Sam was right, a couple of days of 'normality' might set her back on the right track. She had had a bad time over the last few months, maybe this was her body's way of hitting the reset button. Janet didn't really believe that, but she hoped it was true.
Sam seemed to be avoiding Janet during the day at the mountain. When Janet went to Sam's lab at 6pm to persuade her to go home, it was empty. As she headed back to the infirmary, she met an airman leaving her office. "Just dropped a note from Colonel Carter, ma'am," he saluted smartly.
"Thank you," Janet said distractedly. She went to her desk and opened the envelope.
Jan,
the note started.
The meeting's been delayed, it's only starting at 1800hrs. General O'Neill thinks it may go on until late, so I'll just stay in my quarters tonight. So I won't see you back at the house, but I'll catch up with you here tomorrow morning.
Send my love to the girls. And to you,
Sam
xxx
p.s. I'm sorry I've been a pain the butt the last couple of days. It'll all be okay, Jan, I swear. I love you honey.
In truth, General O'Neill had told Sam that the meeting would likely be over well before 8pm, but she just wanted some space to herself, to clear her head. She also hated to be a burden on Janet. If she actually were losing her mind, she wanted to be clear exactly what was happening so that she could face up to it.
So when the meeting finished at 7.45pm, Sam went straight to her quarters. She wanted to avoid seeing anybody, and having to explain why she wasn't going home.
= = =
Janet headed into the mountain early the next day. She hoped to catch Sam before the rest of SG-1 came in. She also hoped that she would find her lover refreshed and ready to face the day. The reality when she made her way to Sam's lab was quite different. She had never seen Sam look so tense, tired and miserable.
"Bad night?" Janet asked her gently.
Sam stiffened, she had not realized there was anybody there. "No," she lied, "I'm fine. Hi Jan, how are you?"
"Better than you," Janet put her hand on Sam's arm.
Sam shook it off impatiently. "I'm fine, Janet," she almost spat. "I told you, I'm fine. Goddammit, why does nobody listen to me?" she knew how unreasonable she was being, but she was so exhausted she just couldn't help hitting out.
"You're not fine, Sam," Janet said in a quiet voice. "You're far from fine. Sam, honey, you know I'm going to have to take you off active duty, don't you?"
"Shit, Janet, there's nothing wrong with me!" Sam shouted. "Are you trying to ruin my career? Don't you understand that...." suddenly the room tilted alarmingly. Sam tried to grab at a shelf in the corner to hold herself upright. Her vision greyed, and the last thing she was aware of as the blackness claimed her was Janet moving rapidly toward her.
Janet couldn't stop her from sliding inelegantly to the floor, but she did manage to prevent her hitting her head on the way down. She supported Sam's body as best she could, until they were both sprawled on the floor. She pulled Sam's head into her lap, and checked her pulse. Fast, but steady. She had just collapsed from exhaustion. "Medical team to Colonel Carter's lab," she barked into her radio.
= = =
Sam awoke in the infirmary, head head pounding, the too-familiar feel of an IV in the back of her hand. Janet was standing over her, running her hand through her hair.
"Jan?" Sam croaked.
"I'm here, honey," Janet said quietly, "I'm here."
"I'm so sorry," Sam said, "I'm so sorry. I was a bitch. I was scared Janet."
"I know, hon," Janet kissed her softly on the forehead. "It's going to be okay. I know you were scared. I know you still are. But we'll get to the bottom of it, I swear. Together."
Tears gathered in Sam's eyes. "I don't deserve you," she told Janet.
"Shh," Janet said, taking up her hand. "It's going to be alright. I want you to sleep for a couple of hours. Then we'll go home. General O'Neill's cleared it. He told me he doesn't want to see either of us for two weeks. We'll fix you right up in that time."
"Stay with me?" Sam pleaded.
"Always," Janet said with feeling as she drew up a chair and settled herself by Sam's head. "Always."