Limits
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst and Fluff
Pairing: Ohno Satoshi x Ninomiya Kazunari
Length: One shot, 2292 words
Nino has reached his breaking point, and if Ohno doesn't leave him alone, Nino might just break apart. There are limits to how much a heart can take before it shatters.
“Are you angry with me?”
Nino let Ohno’s question ring in his head, once, twice, before responding. Was he angry with Ohno?
“No, Oh-chan. I’m not angry with you.”
He wasn’t happy with Ohno either, not really. Although, adversely, sometimes he was too happy with Ohno... but that was part of the problem. He didn’t want Ohno to make him happy. He’d rather Ohno didn’t make him feel anything. That would be ideal.
“You don’t... stay around me much lately. You avoid me.”
“I don’t avoid you, Oh-chan.”
Yes he does. In fact, he’s been doing it more and more lately... and Nino knew he was pushing it. He knew people would start to notice if he didn’t knock it off. J was already picking up on it, and Nino suspected that’s why Jun was giving Ohno more attention lately. More smiles. More touching.
Or maybe Jun was just in love with Ohno too.
Just the thought of loving Ohno sent that all-too-familiar, white-hot stripe of pain through him. Jealousy, longing, fear, abandoned, irrelevance... Each squeezed and twisted in his chest like an Indian burn. The initial pain fading into a throbbing ache. He’d been in one-sided love with their soft spoken leader for so long now, Nino was surprised he still felt it. Why wasn’t he numb yet? Surely he’d be numb soon. Oh God, let it be soon.
And when he’s finally numb, he’ll stop avoiding Ohno. And then Oh-chan can stop with the sad eyes. He can stop only calling Nino at obscure hours because he’s stupid drunk and knows Nino will answer. He can stop reaching for Nino when he doesn’t want to do the talking. He can stop everything... and Nino won’t care. He won’t miss it.
Nino wished he could love someone else. He wished he could be like Aiba and fall in love over and over and over again while never getting attached. Aiba was so good at that, and Nino wanted to be like that too. To fall in love and still be able to let go. To know it was going to end, and be able to smile anyway. Like the sunshine. Like miracles.
Honestly, Nino didn’t believe Jun was in love with Riida. Jun would be more broken than even Nino if he were, or so Nino thought. Jun’s emotions were fragile... Jun was too kind, and Nino... Nino wasn’t. Nino was strong, damn it. Nino was a good little suffering soldier. He was handling it.
Or he was until then, obviously, with Ohno finally confronting him. But Nino would never admit that he was fragile. He was nothing like that.
“I have to go--” Nino muttered, the weight of Ohno’s gaze on him suddenly feeling like too much. They’d been standing in silence, and once upon a time they could spend hours and hours together in comfortable silence-- but this wasn’t comfortable. This was a confrontation, and he had to get away. He was suffocating. He was drowning. He had to leave. Before he said something he’d regret.
Again.
Did Ohno even remember? Did he ever think about it? It was over a decade ago now. Hell, it was almost 13 years already. Maybe Ohno had forgotten. Maybe he didn’t remember that summer night. That night that the sun had hung so long and low in the sky, Nino hadn’t been sure it was ever going to set. That night that the smell of the ocean made him think of laughter and warm eyes instead of puking. That night that Ohno’s mouth was two shades more flushed than his cheeks, and his eyes had been so clear. That night that a very young and very stupid Nino told his Oh-chan that he wanted to kiss him.
And Ohno had said no.
Ohno had said he was sorry. He’d said that he couldn’t. He said he didn’t want to. He told Nino not to ask him again.
And Nino didn’t cry. That’s what Nino remembered most about that night. The horrible gut-wrenching pain, the kind that hits when you realize your dreams aren’t going to come true. There is no Santa Claus and all dogs go to heaven-- and Nino didn’t cry. It had been so hard, but not a single burning tear made it’s way out. He’d clenched his jaw and refused to let Ohno see him cry and he’d done it. He’d won that fight. Little did he know it was just the first battle of many.
And here he was again, fighting the same old battle against himself. Don’t let Ohno know how much it hurts. Don’t let him see you weak. Don’t let him know. Don’t let him in... because he’ll never let you.
“You’re doing it now. You’re trying to avoid me,” Ohno sounded frustrated.
Nino flattened his lips, tightening his mouth into a thin line, “Fine. What do you want to do Ohno?” What else could Ohno take from him? What more could he give?-- Nino really wished his brain would shut up. Those sort of thoughts weren’t making anything easier.
“Wha...I want...um...” Ohno looked a little panicked, like he didn’t expect Nino to give in, “I want you to sit with me.”
“What? No, Oh-chan. I’m tired. It’s been a long day. I want to go home.”
“Let me come with you. I want to talk to you.”
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
“Okay.”
The drive was awkward. Nino’s palms were sweating, and his hand had slipped on the wheel once during a turn, causing the car to jerk a little. Ohno had had to grab the little bar on the door, and Nino could feel his face burn. He’d been able to pretend indifference to Ohno for so many years, mirroring Ohno’s affections toward him to a T, but within the past few months, he wasn’t able to pretend so well anymore. It was getting too hard.
And with each mile that passed, his car brought them closer and closer to closure. To the end. And that terrified Nino a little. Because even though he’d told himself and Sakurai and even Aiba enough times that he’d given up on Ohno-- there was still that small, smouldering ember of hope. And once they arrived at his house, Nino knew Ohno would coerce the words he’d been hiding away out into the light, and that would be it. Nino’s little spark would be snuffed, and he was not going to relish that pain.
Ohno didn’t even try to talk to him during the drive, probably because Nino was failing miserably at disguising his agitation. The unfiltered Nino came as something of a surprise to Ohno, and the leader was sitting there wondering when he’d missed so much. When had everything gotten so bad? How did he let it get like this between them? This was his fault. Whatever was hurting Nino and keeping him away, it was Ohno’s fault. He knew it was.
They walked in complete silence from the car to the elevator to the door, but as soon as Nino had toed off his sneakers and slipped his bare feet into worn house slippers, Ohno was reaching. Fingers wrapped around Nino’s wrist, and Nino squeezed his eyes shut hard before looking back, “Stop it Ohno. Please.”
He pulled his arm free, Ohno let him go, but Nino couldn’t ignore the confusion on Ohno’s face that bordered on pain. No matter what happened, Nino couldn’t let himself hurt Ohno. He felt the need to explain. To say something.
“It looks like I’ve hit my limit, Oh-chan,” his mouth twisted in a bitterly sarcastic smile, “I can’t take anymore.”
“Of what Nino? Of me?” Ohno sounded afraid now, looked frightened, and Nino couldn’t take that either. Couldn’t handle being the cause of Ohno’s rare emotional distress. His own anxiety was ebbing into exhaustion, and Nino suddenly wanted to end it all. He wanted to get it over with.
Sudden Death.
Nino turned to face Ohno completely, sucked in a deep breath, and started to speak, “I don’t think I can be around you any--”
The rest of the sentence caught in his throat. Nino couldn’t make the words come out, his heart was beating too hard.
Ohno was crying.
Fat, heavy tears were streaking down his round cheeks, trailing down his neck, wetting the collar of his t-shirt. “Do you hate me? Nino. Do you hate me?”
Ohno hiccuped, but continued, “I can’t, I can’t touch you anymore? You don’t like it? You don’t. You haven’t for weeks now. I’ve felt you recoil, even when you didn’t pull away. You pretended not to mind... You don’t talk to me. You don’t lean into me. You face everything without me. You cuddle up with Aiba but you pretend with me. I could tell Nino... and now, you don’t even pretend anymore.”
“Ohno... What are you--”
“And now you can’t even pretend anymore? You can’t stand to be close to me?”
“No, Ohno...”
“Because I love you Nino, and this hurts so much. It hurts so much, losing you.”
“You love me... You love Arashi. You love all of us, Oh--chan,” Nino muttered, he was starting to tremble.
“I’m in love with you, Nino” Ohno responded, swiping the back of his hand across his face before he looked away, “It’s not the same.”
“Wha... What?” Nino felt the floor spin beneath his feet. He saw the walls fly by, and it was as if everything was a blur except Ohno.
In love? With him? But why? But how? But that summer? But...Ohno gasped when Nino’s arms wound around his neck, and those curved lips he knew so well pressed against his own. Ohno pulled back first, eyes searching Nino’s.
“What are you doing Nino?” he whispered.
“Kissing you.”
“Don’t. Don’t kiss me. I told you before. Don’t kiss me, not unless you mean it. You have to mean it, Nino. I can’t...If you don’t mean it, I can’t handle it.”
Nino felt himself surge forward to embrace Ohno before he even realized what he was doing, his body just screamed to feel Ohno pressed against it. Everywhere. Ohno loved him.
“I do mean it, Oh-chan,” Nino was speaking into the hollow at the base of his neck, slick with tears, “I’m in love with you.”
Ohno’s hands gripped Nino’s biceps, almost too hard but Nino didn’t complain, and pulled him back a little, “Why were you staying away from me, then? Why didn’t you tell me, Nino?”
Ohno asked the questions while skimming his lips over Nino’s forehead, just at the hairline, as if he was torn between his desire for answers and to taste him. To have Nino. To kiss him and never stop.
“I didn’t think I mattered to you as much. I didn’t think you could be in love with me... and it hurt. I couldn’t pretend it didn’t hurt anymore. You told me not to kiss you. I didn’t think--Ah! Oh-chan...” Nino’s confession was interrupted by Ohno’s mouth moving to his ear. His sharp teeth nipped the shell, and Nino squirmed.
“I said that because I think... I think I was already in love with you, and I didn’t want to be,” Ohno sighed, “I didn’t want to be so attached to Arashi when I didn’t think I’d stay... when I didn’t think you would stay either. And if I let myself love you, I’d never let go. Of any of it.”
“But...”
“But I ended up loving Arashi anyway. I love the performances, and the experiences, and the fans... But I’m in love with you Nino. When I realized I couldn’t deny it anymore, I thought you didn’t love me.”
“Idiot.”
“No, I’m not. You were really young when you asked to kiss me, Nino. You could have changed your mind. No one knows better than us how fickle teenagers are-- and it was just a kiss you asked for. You didn’t ask for me.”
“Well, I’m asking for you now,” Nino responded. He was starting to feel light headed, almost giddy, and a little too warm.
“Yes,” Ohno answered, and then he was pulling Nino flush against his body to kiss him senseless. Nino’s lips parted, and Ohno kissed him harder, deeper, thoroughly. It was a kiss to make up for years of hurt, years of longing. It was a kiss that dreams are made of, of which lonely hearts wax poetic...
Nino wasn’t ever going to forget it, and neither was Ohno, and when Nino led them down the hall, when Nino let himself be laid on the bed, and Ohno hovered over him... Nino wasn’t going to forget that moment either. The tightness, the burn, the eventual pleasure, the heat, the pressure, the need, the jerking of hips, the cries, the way their breath mingled in gasps and moans...
By the time morning came, Ohmiya was whole again. They didn’t discuss how close they’d both come to destruction. How dangerously close they’d come to shattering into a thousand little pieces, pieces that could never be put together again, because they’d caught each other. And finally, they were where they belonged.
And across the city, three other souls awoke feeling remarkably lighter. They couldn’t put their fingers on it, and they certainly didn’t know why, but they each felt as if a worry had been lifted. There was one less concern in their lives. Later in the day, when they would catch their first glimpse of Ohno and Nino together, they’d understand. And someone would groan, someone would jeer, but they’d all end up smiling and laughing. Because Arashi loved Arashi better than anyone, and two members’ happiness was all of their happiness.