Comments | sillygoosegirl: What is marriage?

sillygoosegirl

What is marriage?

Mar 25, 2007 12:18

You know, it's odd that I first decided to get married almost 4 years and and I've now been married for almost 2 years, yet I still find myself struggling to understand what a marriage is, even just what it is to me personally ( Read more... )

marriage, josh, essays

Comments 6

sophiedoph March 25 2007, 17:47:11 UTC

I love your post and your thoughts. It *is* had to describe what marriage is. I share sometimes with single-contemplating-marriage friends some of what marriage is, but it's so hard to explain. On the one hand, I think there should be big red lights. "LOTS OF HARD WORK AHEAD! NOT EASY! NOT A FAIRYTALE!"

But on the other hand, I feel like it's impossible to describe the love, the friendship, the very ways it changes one--as you said, it's like there are new pathways, new ways of thinking. And it's wonderful and beautiful.

The thing is, I saw myself as "practically married", "the same thing as married", "completely committed", "almost married", etc before we were married... and yet somehow "actually married" has been worlds different for me.

Interesting--and ditto. I'm not even sure how it's worlds different, but it really is.

The LDS believe that when two people are married (in the temple as part of a special ceremony in a special room), their souls merge together giving them a common destiny in the eternal after life. I don't ( ... )

sillygoosegirl March 25 2007, 18:08:49 UTC

You may share my post with whomever you like.

jianantonic March 25 2007, 21:15:59 UTC

Your conclusion is interesting to me, and I can support it in my own weird way. When I made the difficult decision to separate and later divorce my husband, part of what made it so difficult was the community aspect. I knew it was what I had to do for me and for us, but I felt like we were letting so many people down by ending a union that they'd been supporting. But then what surprised me was that all the people I expected to shun and judge me really came to my rescue with open arms and open ears and closed mouths (the most important thing.)

I think the compassion of the community is a huge factor - in any group of family or friends, there is usually someone who has been through, at least peripherally, anything that you go through, and their support and understanding makes life-changing decisions easier to make.

sillygoosegirl March 28 2007, 16:58:38 UTC

Well, I never said that there aren't some marriages that just need to end; I know that some do. And I generally feel that the community has let the individual couples who get divorced down much more so than those individual couples let the community down. Certainly if a happy marriage is it's own reward, and I definitely believe that it is, then it's the couples who divorce who are getting the short end of the stick... no matter whose fault it is, even if it's the best of bad options at that point ( ... )

2gouda4u March 26 2007, 15:25:07 UTC

Interesting. I don't think marriage has been anything like that for me, though it can be hard to tell (I'm not good at noticing gradual changes). When we were engaged, I remember being annoyed with the rest of the world for being so hung up on "marriage". I can understand not taking dating seriously - there's such a broad spectrum of attachment that falls under the heading of dating. What surprised me is how often even engagement was dismissed - as if only having a legal document with your signatures was sufficient for your relationship to be valued ( ... )

sillygoosegirl April 19 2007, 02:47:35 UTC

I think I knew enough couples where there was a mutually acknowledged desire to spend the rest of their lives together... followed by an eventual breakup, that I've just always believed that the private commitment isn't as meaningful as the public one (I've seen this much more rarely among married couples). So if a person really *means* it, I figure they will get up in front of the people who are important to him or her and say it formally, and conversely if it hasn't been done so yet I'm generally not as convinced that the person really means it (this went for you and Geoff, for Josh, for everybody). As I like to say, "Nobody cares if you broke a promise to your ex," and as such lots of people (who seem perfectly trustworthy) unfortunately do lead their SOs on. Sure, not every single marriages make it... but most do... most people who aren't actually as serious as they say, are also unwilling to take that step ( ... )