Glow of a Rose (5/6)
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Merlin woke up, face down in the pillow, and wondered if summer had arrived yet; he was feeling goddamn hot all over. The next sensation he became aware of was a weight lying on his back… a hairy and hot weight which obviously had drooled on his back quite a lot. And for one blessed second he thought Prince had somehow managed to get into the bed with him… them. Them.
Opening his eyes, even full of horror, wasn’t really useful when one’s face was literally pressed onto a pillow, Merlin found out. He also noticed that he could not move, not even a bit. Arthur was sleeping on top of his back, snoring slightly, drooling immensely, and he had both of his arms clamped around Merlin’s waist. Merlin felt like Audrey II had gotten hold of him.
All right, Merlin mused. What you shouldn’t do now is freak out. Seriously. What’s done is done. What you DO need is a good reason to tell him why this never can happen again. You also need a good reason to get up and out of this room right NOW. Images of the last night flitted around behind his closed eyes. Arthur… Gods! This should never had happened, what kind of demented asshole are you? And then Merlin did exactly what he promised not to do; he freaked. He reared up, threw Arthur off and shot out of the bed… or he tried to. The rearing up worked, but already the throwing Arthur off thing didn’t really work; Arthur’s body seemed stuck to him like crazy glue. And as for leaving the bed at top speed and without any dignity at all… it was hard to do so if one found himself captured by two strong arms, rolled over and plastered against the wall.
“Stop that shit,” a gravelly voice grumbled.
“Let go of me!”
“Oh please,” Arthur said, yawning. “Don’t tell me this will be your standard response whenever I take you in my arms.”
Take you in my arms… Ruthlessly, Merlin stamped down on his stupid, stupid emotions. He had a very clever answer to that on the tip of his tongue -some nonsense about not wanting to be there- when Arthur rolled on top of him again, this time face-to-face, and said, smiling, “Good morning.”
Merlin stared up into blue, blue eyes and swore he could feel every thought in his brain vanishing. “Uh…”
“Mhm.” Arthur lowered his head and began to gnaw slightly on Merlin’s throat.
“We have to… talk… we really have to… Arthurrrrrr…”
“We really don’t. Not yet,” Arthur murmured, licking a path downwards over Merlin’s collarbone to his left nipple.
Okay, Merlin thought hazily, one more time. Only one more time. For once, his inner voices neither snorted, nor laughed nor screeched. There was only a stunned silence.
Prince finally saved the last shreds of Merlin’s sanity; while Arthur had -again- fallen asleep on top of him, Merlin had done nothing except comb through the blond hair on his shoulder for what felt like hours, refusing to think of anything. But when a Great Dane felt the need for a walk and was probably also hungry as hell, well, no one could ignore it. Not if one wanted the door to the bedroom to stay intact. Merlin cautiously slid out of Arthur’s embrace… only to find himself captured again. This time, Arthur actually snarled.
“Arthur… you have to let me go now, okay? Otherwise, Prince will build himself a doggie door… a doggie door of his size right in the bedroom door. I’m fond of this door as it is, I really am.” The arms around him didn’t give an inch. “Look, I will let him out in the garden -the herbs are dead anyway- give him his meds, feed him and then start on breakfast. Aren’t you hungry yet? You have to be hungry; we ate almost nothing yesterday.” Merlin wondered when and where he had picked up the amazing ability to talk so quickly.
For a moment, Arthur didn’t move. Then he sat up, sighed and shook his head. “No… well, yes I am but I’d still like a couple of hours of sleep better.” He let himself fall back again, thankfully on the bed this time, not on Merlin. “Just please make sure there is coffee when I get up.”
“Will do.”
Merlin was almost at the door, when Arthur spoke up again. “Merlin?”
“Yes?” Merlin turned around to look straight into Arthur’s eyes.
“Don’t… please promise me you will be here when I wake up.”
“I promise. Arthur, I won’t go anywhere. Ever.”
Arthur closed his eyes, and Merlin opened the door, only to be jumped by a not amused looking monster dog. “I know. No! Come on, let him sleep, I’ll let you out.”
Downstairs, Merlin opened the patio doors, leaning against it and not watching the havoc Prince most certainly was wreaking on the garden. He also steadfastly refused to think about the man upstairs in his bed or what had happened between them. After a few minutes of staring into the morning sun and contemplating the consequences of a Once and Future King with a juvenile record, a career as a drug user and the fact that said king was at least bisexual if not gay and involved with a much older man, he noticed the damn good job he did of not thinking about Arthur. Sighing, he called Prince in -he had what looked like the rest of Merlin’s lavender in his snout- led him into the kitchen for the antibiotics and a huge amount of food in his dish, then Merlin left the gorging dog behind to take a much needed shower.
He was just rubbing his hair dry with a towel, when he first heard Prince barking once and then the doorbell. Swearing, Merlin grabbed his black bathrobe and hasted downstairs again. The doorbell rang again. “Coming,” Merlin yelled and dashed across the hall to where Prince was already waiting, tail wagging like crazy. Merlin looked through the viewer and paused. Linda. What the… Merlin hadn’t even known she knew where he lived. Whatever. He opened the door wide, one hand on Prince’s collar to prevent him from jumping the tiny woman and smiled widely. “Good morning, Linda!”
The blonde woman smiled back, a bit tentatively. “Good morning. Merlin.”
“Sit down,” Merlin hissed out between clenched teeth and pointed to one of the yellow kitchen chairs. Then he turned around and hit the button on the coffee maker with such force that the poor thing slithered back a few inches; thankfully, he didn’t kill it. Merlin leaned back at the counter and looked at… Linda or whoever she really was. His magic swirled around her, but as so often happened with women, he learned nothing. The only thing of importance was that Linda was obviously aware of the magic around her, but she didn’t look frightened, only a bit wary.
“I mean no harm, Merlin.”
“That’s so?”
“Yes.”
“Who are you?”
“I think you know who I am.”
“No, I really don’t.” In truth, Merlin began to suspect who that woman was -Sieglinda, indeed- but he didn’t want it to be true. Because if it were true, he would have reason to hate her and he still didn’t want to do that.
“I’m his mother,” Linda said quietly.
Merlin swallowed hard; his magic crackled in the air between them. He ripped the half-full pot of coffee out of the machine and filled two cups without really looking away from Linda. “Sieglinda, huh? The mother of Siegfried, the German and Norwegian Arthur. Cute.”
“I was born under the name Maria Johanna Saratori. I changed it to Sieglinda a few years ago…when I… well.”
“Why not change it to Ygraine? That’s your true name after all.” Merlin was angry, sad and worried at the same time, deeply worried about the man in his bed. Arthur didn’t need another upheaval right now. And Merlin was also infuriated… because all this meant she had known… she had known for a long time and hadn’t told him. All the things Arthur had been through, all these years alone in that godsforsaken orphanage…
“I didn’t want you to find me then.”
Merlin banged the cups on the table and sat down opposite to her. “Oh, that’s great reasoning! I’m sure Arthur will be delighted to hear that.”
“There are a lot of things you don’t know yet, Merlin.”
“Oh, I’m sure. Everybody’s got a sob story, right? But you know, I only want you to tell me one thing… why didn’t you come to me years ago? Huh? Why? I could have…”
“What?” Ygraine snapped. “What, Merlin? Adopted him? Been his father? Become a new Uther? You want that role in his life?”
Merlin was beyond angry now, in fact he was so filled with rage that he couldn’t even answer her; the only thing he was able to do was to hold on with both hands to the tabletop and not hex her into a neat pile of ashes where she sat. Not that the woman across the table seemed to be any less furious; dark blotches of red high on her cheekbones, blue eyes glinting and narrowed, she looked as if she would attack him any minute now. She also looked… a lot like Arthur suddenly.
“That wasn’t for you to decide,” Merlin finally hissed.
“Quite the contrary. It was my decision, I’m his mother!”
“Awesome job you did!”
Ygraine recoiled, becoming pale, and Merlin immediately regretted his words. And then he wished he wouldn’t… but he did. He didn’t know her story yet -and maybe you should have listened to her first before condemning her, his inner voice helpfully added- but he had seen how she was behaving around Arthur. It had been there for him to see the whole time - she loved Arthur.
“I’m sorry,” he bit out. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
Ygraine looked down at her hands, clenched in her lap, and then whispered, “I wanted to. Tell you I mean. But… someone told me not to, and her arguments were good. Still, I often thought I should go to you but now, in hindsight,” she looked up at Merlin, her gaze lingering on Merlin’s face and neck, “I know, I know she was right.”
Merlin stared at her. “Someone, some woman told you not to?” Two names were blazing through his mind. “Please don’t tell me it’s either Morgana or Viviane.”
“You think,” Ygraine hissed, “that I would let one of them come near my son? They killed him!”
“Mordred killed him.”
“He couldn’t have done it without their help!”
Merlin leaned back on his chair and crossed his arms. “You know, you know a lot about things that happened after you had been dead. How come?”
“My sister was alive.” Ygraine lowered her head and sighed. “She still is… just like you, Merlin.”
Merlin was stunned into silence for a minute. “Your… what? That’s the first time I heard about this. You… you have a sister, obviously a sorceress, who survived the Purge? And no one has ever mentioned that before?”
“When you came to Camelot, the only ones to know were Uther and Gaius. Uther would have never said a word and Gaius…” Ygraine swallowed, “… I guess he thought it wasn’t important anymore.”
“What are you talking about? Why would he have thought…?” Merlin broke off when an inconceivable thought fluttered through his mind. “That… can’t be. I killed her. I KILLED HER!”
By now, Ygraine looked ready to flee any second. “No,” she answered. “You didn’t.”
“NIMUEH?!”
Ygraine only nodded.
“You’re kidding me, right? She… she tried to kill me, she tried to kill ARTHUR!”
“No! She never tried to kill Arthur… I can’t say the same for Uther, though. And you… I guess she wanted to teach you a lesson about who’s more powerful. She found out.”
“I saw her die.”
“No. You saw an explosion of light and heard her screams. She vanished, wounded but alive.”
“That can’t be. Gaius came alive afterwards; if she hadn’t died, he would have stayed dead.”
Ygraine shook her head. “Nimueh told me about it. She said you brought him back to life. Barely of age, you were more powerful than any other being she had encountered before, and you didn’t even know it. That’s why she stayed hidden all the time… well, that and… she found out what you did to the other three.”
“She told you about them?”
For the first time since she had entered his house, Ygraine smiled. “Yes. Very impressive… and fitting.”
Merlin ignored that. “Where is she now?”
“No. I won’t tell you, not as long as you look like you would kill her on the spot.”
“She is a dark sorceress.”
“No, Merlin, she isn’t. She is one of the most good-hearted and friendliest women you can imagine.”
“Friendly? She almost let my mother and Gaius die!”
“When you met her, she was beside herself for years, insane with rage and grief.” Ygraine hesitated for a moment, then continued. “But you know how that feels, don’t you?”
There wasn’t anything to say to that, after all.
“Where is Arthur?”
“He’s asleep, upstairs,” Merlin answered, eyes still covered by his right hand; he wondered how long he could hide behind it. For centuries, he had been proud of his brilliant mind, of his ability to deal with anything. The moment the Pendragon, no, the Pendragons were back, everything went to hell.
“Do you think it is… too soon to tell him?”
Merlin let his hand fell back on the table. “I don’t know. Really, I… I don’t know. It’s been a few hard days… the sick dog, the detox, him telling me his story and then… er. I don’t know. He’s not Mr. Stable right now and…” Merlin paused at the guffaws coming from his inner voice. All right then. “To be honest, Arthur’s been remarkably stable… I’m the one who’s not.” He looked up at Ygraine and saw nervousness and hope in her eyes. “And I can’t really tell you what I think because -as you’ve said- I don’t know many things yet.”
“But he does know who you really are now, doesn’t he?”
“Great. Nimueh’s been spying on us?” Every time Merlin mentioned that dreaded name, he felt his stomach churning. Oh what he would give to get his hands on her right now.
“No, she isn’t. She can’t. The only thing she has managed is keeping tabs on your whereabouts; she didn’t ever want you to stumble over her. As far as she told me, even that was difficult; your shields seem to be very dangerous, she compared them to magical flypaper. And the moment Arthur entered your house, she lost her connection to him as well. But… she said there was a ripple on the surface of the Old Magic a few days ago. In her opinion, that meant that… uh… you two… reconnected?”
To his horror, Merlin felt himself blush all over, so he hid again, behind both hands this time. Reconnected… now that’s a word for it. “Um… a few days ago? Well, Arthur kinda recognized me then, but he was feverish and still in the middle of withdrawal. Only yesterday, we… he… uh… well, he started to believe in his own memories again. We talked about Camelot and what had happened then…” Merlin sighed. “So yeah, if you call that ‘reconnecting’, I guess we did.”
“That wasn’t what I meant.”
Wondering if it was possible to turn into the color of a ripe tomato, Merlin laid his head on the table and refused to answer.
Ygraine was blessedly silent for a few moments, then she laughed quietly. “You know, for someone who’s been around for so long, you’re kind of bashful.”
Groaning, Merlin mumbled, “You’re his mother! So excuse me for not wanting to have this conversation with you.”
“My sister told me about the elaborate mating dance that was going on in Camelot between you two. So much in love with each other, and still neither of you did any…” She broke off when Merlin sat up quickly.
“Stop. I have no idea what’s going on in Nimueh’s head but she’s wrong. Arthur was never in love with me, nor is he now.”
Ygraine frowned for a moment, then raised both eyebrows. She looked creepily like Arthur. “So… these love bites on your neck… you made them appear by magic?”
Merlin’s head went back on the table. “You’re talking about sex, not love. Arthur’s eighteen; he would jump a goat if he could.”
While Ygraine started laughing, Merlin thought longingly about disappearing. He knew he couldn’t, not with Arthur up there, his mother down there and Nimueh the Gods knew where. But still.
They were on their second cup of coffee, and Merlin had begun to wonder what would happen when Arthur finally crawled out of bed and came downstairs, when Ygraine started to speak, quietly.
“I got pregnant when I was seventeen. I was… pretty wild when young. Not sure why; my parents weren’t exactly warm people, but nothing really bad had happened to me.” Merlin wondered for a moment what Ygraine considered ‘really bad’.
“Anyway, I didn’t know who the father was; I had lots of one-night stands. When I found out, I didn’t want it; I had already made an appointment for an abortion. But then…” she sighed, “… the dreams started. First, I saw Arthur as a newborn baby, and this image had such an impact on me… now I know why of course. It’s the only true memory I have of him. I cancelled the appointment. My parents weren’t delighted, but they gave in and told me they would help me raise the child. It didn’t work out that way, though. The dreams became worse and worse. I saw him as a man, wounded, crying, sad, damaged, dying… not one happy image of him. And I felt all this was my fault somehow. I saw other things, too… dragons, burning stakes, a husband of mine I didn’t recognize, my sister… you know. The dreams bled over into my real life as well; I thought I had lost my mind. My parents and my doctors thought the same. When I was seven months pregnant, I was committed to a hospital; they couldn’t do much because of the pregnancy… no medication, only therapy.” Ygraine hung her head. “I once mentioned to my therapist that I didn’t think my baby should live… that I thought his life would be horrible. I guess that was it. After giving birth to him, they didn’t even let me see him. I was ill for a long time, maybe history trying to repeat itself, I don’t know. When I re-surfaced… he was gone. I can’t even remember signing the contract to give him away for adoption.”
Merlin closed his eyes. “What happened then? Did… Nimueh help you?”
“I wish. No… I recovered slowly from the birth, shut my mouth and stopped talking about the weird dreams and was finally released from the hospital. I was eighteen then and I moved out of my parents’ house. Unlike Arthur, I didn’t get dependent on psychotropics; my drug of choice was alcohol.”
“Gods.”
“I drifted around for years… I can’t remember much of that time; I was constantly drunk. It did help, you know? I mean, the dreams didn’t vanish but they became endurable. And that was all that I wanted then. I didn’t want to think of my child, I didn’t want to think of anything. I guess I wanted to die. And then… on Arthur’s fifth birthday, Nimueh appeared.”
“His dreams started then.”
“Yes, that’s why she became aware of him. And me.”
“Now why didn’t I?”
“I don’t know. Nimueh doesn’t know either; she told me she was waiting for you to come to get him but you didn’t.”
Merlin barked out a laugh. “Yeah, sure.”
Sighing, Ygraine shook her head. “I know you don’t believe me but Nimueh isn’t your enemy, Merlin. She did shield him from the others, though. And she tried to help him with the dreams from afar, but it didn’t work. She finally managed to help me stay clean and convinced me that I wasn’t insane; that took some time. And then we talked a lot about the things that happened in Camelot and about Arthur of course. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t claim him and I had no chance of adopting him but Nimueh could have pulled it off. I didn’t…”
“Why the hell didn’t you come to me? I understand that your sister didn’t want to, but you could have come. You’ve told me, Nimueh knew who and where I was. So why? I could have helped Arthur.”
“After I understood everything, I wanted to. But Nimueh, she insisted not to. She has the gift of the Sight and…”
“GODS! The Sight is…”
“A fickle gift, yes I know. I heard it often enough.”
“Not only a fickle gift! It’s not reliable, never! No matter what, the Sight depends on who’s playing with it! People who are using the Sight are projecting themselves into what they see! Believe me, I know all about it.”
“Everything she saw came true.”
“Yes, of course!” Merlin stood up and began to pace. “Don’t you see? She led the way!”
“It wasn’t only that, Merlin. There were other reasons as well, reasons that meant more to me than anything Nimueh foresaw.”
“What?”
“She said you would only burden Arthur with your idea of his destiny. That you would turn into another Uther; maybe treating Arthur better on the surface but nevertheless pushing him into a role he might not like or choose for himself. Look, I know you don’t want to hear this, but… it makes sense. And I had all these memories of him, images of a deeply unhappy man… please!”
Merlin, leaning on the window sill, felt cold all over, inside and out. “I don’t believe a word of this.”
“Merlin…”
“No, hear me out. I don’t think you’re lying to me; I’m sure you believe all this is true. But your sister has been lying to you, for what reason, I’m not sure yet.”
“She hasn’t…”
“But of course she has. There are far too many things that don’t make sense. Firstly, I am sure she had known about you even before you gave birth to Arthur. She must have put a spell on him at once; not only for hindering me finding him, but also for everyone else… did you never wonder why he hadn’t been adopted within a month after arriving at the receiving home? A healthy, blond, beautiful baby boy? And secondly… you’ve said it yourself, Nimueh could have easily adopted him and raised him with you. Why didn’t she?”
Ygraine stared at him, pale, and didn’t answer.
Merlin smiled bitterly. “You know, I really wanted to keep you out of this, to see you only as a victim. But I can’t. Nimueh was afraid to keep him close to you or her, afraid I would -despite her spell- find out and kill her or worse. And you, you chose your sister over your son.” Tasting bile at the back of his throat, Merlin swallowed hard. “Tell me, how did it feel… having all these memories of Arthur, of a time where you hadn’t been able to help him… and at the same time living with the knowledge of a boy you could help, but choose not to?”
“It wasn’t like that, it…”
“Ygraine. You have a head on your shoulders and a brain in it. I’m not saying you should have immediately taken action after Nimueh appeared. But when she came to you, Arthur was five years old. You had thirteen years to make the right choices, and yet, you’re sitting here and you’re still defending the ones you made.”
Crying, Ygraine whispered, “I love him.”
“I know. I’m also aware of the fact that Nimueh orchestrated all this; the book, the letter. And if I acknowledge this, I also must believe that her intentions weren’t evil. I even give her that… she might have been right about me. I don’t know what would have happened if I had raised Arthur… I just don’t know. But the fact remains that all these decisions led to eighteen years of hell for Arthur.”
“But what would have been right, then?”
“I DON’T KNOW!” Merlin yelled.
Before Ygraine could answer, Merlin saw out of the corner of his eyes sudden movement at the door. Whirling around, he was relieved to see only Prince standing on the threshold. The relief didn’t last, though; Prince wasn’t looking at him or at Ygraine, he was staring at something -or better at someone Merlin realized with a sinking heart- in the hall. The huge dog whimpered and then raised a paw as if to nudge said someone.
Merlin didn’t even stop to think. He ran over to the door, startled Prince into jumping out of the way and saw Arthur sitting on the floor right beside the kitchen door, knees drawn up, arms around them, face buried between them.
Merlin sank down on his knees close to Arthur, not knowing what to do or say. While he was still staring helplessly at the huddled man in front of him, he noticed Ygraine coming through the kitchen towards them. He didn’t know what to do with her, either. His magic decided. The kitchen door closed with a bang a moment before she reached the threshold, and although the door didn’t have a lock, Ygraine tried in vain to open it again. For a second, Merlin could hear her voice, then the sound cut off, too. Prince, who was just about to lick Arthur’s neck, looked at Merlin and retreated quickly to the other side of the hall, tail between his legs.
“How long have you been sitting there?”
Arthur looked up at him but didn’t answer. His hair was a mess, eyes red-rimmed and again far too wide. Merlin didn’t hesitate; he framed Arthur’s face with his hands, leaned close and rested his forehead against Arthur’s. “Look,” he whispered, “you don’t have deal with this right now. Go upstairs, I’ll send her away.”
Arthur shook his head. “No. I… I’m not sure what to think right now, but I want to talk to her. Alone.”
Feeling an unpleasant twinge of something he didn’t want to examine at the moment, Merlin nodded. “Okay. I’ll go and get us some fresh bagels for breakfast, all right?”
Arthur spread his knees, wrapped his arms around Merlin’s waist and drew him closer. “No, please don’t go. I just want to talk to her for a moment; I can’t really go into this now. And I really, really don’t want you out of the house. Not after what I heard. She could be out there and…”
Laying two fingers over Arthur’s lips, Merlin smiled softly. “You don’t have to worry about me. Even if Nimueh is standing right in front of the door, prepared to kill me, she wouldn’t be able to.”
“Viviane…”
“I’m much, much more powerful now than I was then. Remember, Nimueh stayed away the entire time… would be pretty stupid to go to so much trouble getting us together and now try to harm or kill me, right?”
“Maybe,” Arthur answered. He looked tired, worried and not at all capable of dealing with his mother right now, at least in Merlin’s opinion.
“How are you? The truth, please.”
“Not so good,” Arthur said quietly, tightening the embrace further. “But I’ll manage. Just… please stay close.”
“All right.” Merlin gently pulled back a bit, stood up and helped Arthur onto his feet as well.
Merlin paced through the huge living room, Prince close on his heels. He was tempted, oh so tempted, to listen in. It would be easy, he wouldn’t even have to enhance his hearing magically, he could just lay his ear against the wall. But as much as he wanted to know everything, as much as he thought he needed to know everything to protect Arthur, he didn’t do it. He could all too well imagine Arthur’s reaction if he found out. And whatever else was happening, Merlin didn’t want to hurt Arthur in any way. He would have to trust that Arthur would tell him later.
Merlin took a deep breath. Trust had never come easy to him, not after what had happened so long ago. He had led a solitary life, never wanting to get too close to others, and while it was of course impossible to keep that distance from Arthur, Merlin was still almost scared about his own behavior, about his inability to hold on to any boundaries at all. He was worried about the long-term consequences of his actions, but he also had no idea how to draw back now without hurting Arthur again.
With a sigh, he let himself fall on one of the couches and buried his face in his hands. Nothing, nothing was going according to plan. He had somehow failed to take the Arthur-Factor into account; this man had always messed up any plan ever made by Merlin. And he had also turned a blind eye to the power of his own emotions. He was so used to being stuck in an unrequited love mode that Arthur’s willingness to tumble into a physical relationship had totally overwhelmed him. And now? While he had been truthful when he told Ygraine that he knew Arthur wasn’t in love with him, he couldn’t help the traitorous hope rising again; hope he had felt a few times in Camelot and which had always been crushed within hours. Things were different now of course; Guinevere was out of the picture.
Merlin lowered his hands and stared unseeingly at the cold fireplace. For a few seconds, he allowed himself to think about it; Arthur was young, apparently inexperienced… it would be so easy to manipulate him… suddenly flames flared wildly in front of him and Merlin grimaced and shook his head. The thought was madness, no, worse, it was perversion. Arthur deserved far better than him, and Merlin would do well to remember that. He had to be very careful, had to keep things casual at all costs, even if it killed him. Arthur had to be able to walk away from this one day easily, and that meant he mustn’t ever find out how deeply Merlin’s emotions ran.
Prince whimpered silently, and when Merlin looked at him, he saw the dog’s head cocked to one side, regarding him. Merlin smiled a bit; if he didn’t know better he would have thought Prince looked skeptical.
“You don’t believe me, hm?” Merlin petted Prince’s head. “I admit it won’t be easy, but it’s for the best… for him and for me, in the long run.” The dog huffed and Merlin’s smile deepened; he ruffled the dark fur a bit more. “Come on, I’ll let you out in the garden; you can dig it over once more.”
No sooner said than done, Merlin observed Prince running around excitedly for a few moments, when behind him the kitchen door opened. Arthur and Ygraine entered the hall, both of them looking shaken to the core. When Ygraine saw Merlin, she came over to him and hesitantly laid a hand on his forearm. “Thank you.”
“For what?” Merlin asked coldly.
“Well, for…” she floundered for a minute, and then smiled unsurely. “I guess for not killing me on the threshold?”
“Tell your sister to stay away from this threshold. Good-bye, Ygraine.”
Ygraine hesitated again and finally nodded. “Good-bye, Merlin.”
The moment the door closed behind Ygraine, Arthur vanished again into the kitchen. Merlin waited a few seconds and then followed him slowly, wondering why every difficult conversation had to happen in there.
Arthur was sitting on a chair, huddled, arms wrapped around himself, head hanging down. Putting a hand on his neck and squeezing slightly, Merlin asked, “How bad is it?”
Without looking up, Arthur just shook his head. Merlin tried to take one of his hands, only to find they were clawed in his waist -which suddenly explained the bruises. “Hey, let go. You’re hurting yourself.” When Arthur didn’t react at all, Merlin cupped his chin and brought it up until he could finally look into Arthur’s eyes. They were dark and filled with panic; Merlin swallowed. “Paper bag?” he asked softly, although he could clearly see that Arthur wanted something else.
Arthur grimaced, showing clenched teeth, and then his right hand shot out and grabbed Merlin’s arm. “Please,” he croaked, “please, you have to help me.”
“Let’s get a bit more comfortable, okay?” Merlin gently pried Arthur’s fingers open, took his hand and led him into the living room. “Lay down on the big couch, please.”
Arthur’s eyes became even wider. “What… I thought you would give me…”
“Arthur, I told you I can’t you give you anything right now. You have the choice between a paper bag, chamomile tea, talking… or we could try using magic. In Camelot, my magic always worked for you. Maybe I can…”
“No! Please…”
“Trust me?”
Arthur hesitated, and Merlin could see his hands were shaking again, but finally, he nodded once. “Yes.”
Concentrating, Merlin laid his hands carefully on Arthur’s chest, and this time, he let his eyes change color purposely, not into the aggressive almost red but into a soft silvery glow. He skipped the ‘Please relax’ speech altogether and just let his magic flow forward. What he tried to do wasn’t without risk, Merlin was aware of that. While he had often treated Arthur medically in Camelot, he had next to no experience with psychological illnesses. But still, he had helped him get some sleep, and he was very sure that he -or better his magic- had often calmed down the burdened king. He let his absolute need to protect Arthur mingle with the magical flow; but then, after he slid one hand upwards to Arthur’s face, he abruptly hesitated. By now, Arthur had already relaxed somewhat, his eyelids were drooping, his breathing became slower. He was trembling badly yet, and although his eyes were almost closed, his gaze was still locked on Merlin’s face. Whatever he saw there made him ask, “What is it? Are you all right?”
No, I’m not, Merlin thought, a bit panicky himself now. The moment his one hand had touched Arthur’s face while the other one was still resting above his heart, his surroundings had become hazy. Mixing emotions with magic was obviously not the best idea he had ever had. He hadn’t only projected the protectiveness, but also the love he felt for Arthur -which made sense, because those feelings were closely related to each other- but Merlin suddenly wondered what Arthur was feeling… and if he was able to recognize the emotions for what they were.
“Merlin?”
“I’m all right,” Merlin lied. “What about you? How are you now?”
Arthur smiled. “I’m fine. Whatever you did… I feel good.”
“Great.” With that, Merlin yanked his hands off Arthur and at the same time, cut off the magic flow. Bad idea. Arthur gasped and flailed wildly, going from relaxed to freaked out in one second. And Merlin couldn’t help him; he dropped to the floor, black spots were appearing before his eyes, and with a sinking feeling he realized he was about to lose consciousness. He didn’t understand what was happening -he had never experienced something like this before- and with all his power, he tried to shake it off, whatever it was, but he had no luck. Darkness was about to swallow him, when he felt strong hands grabbing his arms, and then he was pulled up on top of Arthur and into a crushing embrace. Arthur clutched him so tightly that Merlin groaned a bit; then he put his face into Arthur’s neck and held on.
A few moments later, Arthur combed his fingers through Merlin’s hair and asked, “You’re still with me?” Merlin nodded, and after two shaky breaths, Arthur continued. “Okay… what’s going on? I have the strangest feeling you’re now in worse shape than I am.”
Arthur was right; Merlin’s pulse was going through the roof, he was trembling all over and worst of all, he was scared to death of… something. He dug his fingers deeper into Arthur’s back, sure that not even a crowbar could get him away from the body beneath him.
“Fuck. Merlin… that’s not a solution, you know? You can’t just… hell, whatever it was you did! Take on my problems, my angst? Are you mad?”
Merlin couldn’t speak, couldn’t tell Arthur that this had not been his intention at all, simply because he couldn’t catch his breath; he was panting as if he had just run a marathon. Finally, Arthur turned them both to the side, pressing Merlin against the back of the couch, and looked him over, eyes full of concern.
Merlin wheezed, “Paper bag.”
Instead of getting up, Arthur leaned in closer and kissed him carefully, lips moving gently over Merlin’s. Merlin changed his mind immediately; this was far better than breathing into a bag. His hands left Arthur’s back and he threaded his fingers through the blond hair, preventing Arthur from pulling away again. Not that Arthur seemed to think of stopping any time soon; his kisses were slow and deep and soft. Merlin gave himself over to them, just as he had done last night and a few hours ago, dimly wondering how someone as young as Arthur could be so completely in charge here. But he was, and Merlin surrendered willingly when Arthur’s hand wandered down the short distance to Merlin’s buttoned jeans and undid them with one gentle tug. Ripping his mouth away to take a breath, Merlin moaned and Arthur laughed quietly.
“You were in a hurry getting dressed, weren’t you?”
“What?” Merlin rasped and then looked down while Arthur took off his jeans completely. Oh. Right, he had skipped the boxers in his haste to return to Ygraine. He started to speak and stopped immediately when he saw Arthur leaning in. Was he… oh Gods, he was.
Arthur’s mouth wrapped around the head of his cock, and Merlin gave a muffled shout, trying with all he had to not buck up and choke him. Shivering, he felt Arthur hesitating for a moment and hell, the knowledge that he had never done this before was just as arousing as the actual act. Again, Merlin opened his mouth to say something… profoundly stupid, he was quite sure of that, but Arthur suddenly got over the crisis or thinking process or whatever he had going on down there, and started to suck tentatively. Moaning, Merlin stared down at the blond head moving up and down for a minute, then he threw his own head back, eyes closed tightly. Feeling the sensations was overwhelming enough, actually watching Arthur going down on him was… impossible. He fisted his hands on parts of the couch, moving them restlessly in the need to keep them away from Arthur’s head, until Arthur seemed to notice what he was doing and thankfully grabbed both of them, their fingers intertwining. How Arthur managed this without breaking his rhythm or faltering even a bit was beyond Merlin. Then Arthur decided to become inventive; he bestowed tiny, flicking licks upon the head, swirled his tongue around it and went down again. Merlin made a desperate sound; it had been a definite mistake to open his eyes so soon again. His hips started to lurch and he whined, “Arthur… stop… s… stop…”
Merlin could see Arthur’s damn eyebrows going up, and his mouth took him in deeper, a tiny bit deeper than before, and Merlin stiffened, clutched the hands in his even tighter, his hips arching upwards as he came. Violent convulsions rocked his body; from afar, he heard Arthur coughing but even that didn’t stop his hips jerking again and again.
Finally, Merlin calmed down a bit; after a few deep breaths, he managed to loosen the grip he still had on Arthur’s hands -Gods, his fingers were hurting- and drew Arthur upwards, away from his sensitized cock and into his arms. Arthur looked at him, teary-eyed, and smiled apologetically. “I guess I need a bit more practice.”
“Mhm. Let me show you?” Merlin asked and flipped them over magically, startling Arthur into a moan.
“God, you’ll have to hurry.”
“Good thing you’re only wearing sweat pants, then.”
Part 6