H is for: Healing (part 15)
Title: H is for Healing
Disclaimer: Merlinian characters abducted from their Auntie Beeb and allowed to do whatever they want
words: 2686
warning: fluff & angst, medium language
warning 2: have not been eating or sleeping lately so brain was not fully engaged & this bound to disappoint
Beta: BigOlArthurFan (the only person besides Colin with whom author is willing to share Bradley)
15. H is for: Healing
The next day when Merlin visited they just sat on the bed: his legs across Arthur’s lap, arms around each other, silent heads gently together, savouring the contact. Their friends left them early realising they were about to fall asleep, and Merlin lay down under the covers as Arthur lifted them in invitation. They slept through official patient rest time and past lunch. The nurses let them be on strict instructions from Gaius. They spent the remainder of visiting hours in the same manner as pre-nap, the only difference involved scoffing the sandwiches the nurse left behind for them. The pair didn’t even have to talk, automatically handing the other their preference should they pick it up first.
No goodbye kiss, just forlorn sighs and eyes sad to part, promising to reunite on the morrow, a mutual squeeze of fingers communicating all that words could never express properly.
Arthur cried until 03:47 am.
*****
The next day they tangled together again but this time they talked and argued, accused and defended, cried and laughed, then whispered and eventually kissed goodbye. It was like the first kiss they shared: soft, measured, hopeful, hesitant; divine.
Arthur cried until just before midnight.
*****
The next day all they did was hold and whisper and kiss.
Gaius came in towards the end of the afternoon.
“Merlin, I’d like to talk to you alone if I may. Before I do however you both need to be made aware that it would be best if he didn’t visit every day," he looked directly but not accusingly at Arthur, "four days a week at most. Setting up a pattern of dependency now will only make matters worse, for all of you. Your family and friends suffer right along with you. I can’t let that happen.”
Arthur’s face tried on a variety of expressions before donning dejected acceptance and nodding accordingly. Gaius watched every reaction analytically and saw nothing alarming; you’d never know he suffered from MPD. The progress he made since Merlin’s visits began gave Gaius a great deal of hope yet was also slightly disturbing. It was time for that chat.
Merlin and Arthur kissed each other goodbye, agreeing to abstain from seeing and calling each other the next day. Once again what was not said was far more potent than what was.
Arthur spent a large part of that night in the shower, alternately washing, thinking and whacking off. He still loved and craved Merlin equally. Nothing had changed.
Except this night he would sleep.
*****
“Describe your relationship with Arthur for me Merlin. Take a biscuit or ten: I need to cut down and Arthur insists you need to eat up.”
Merlin grinned broadly and chose the Oreos, scraped the white sugar-cream filling into his sugarless coffee and ate the chocolate biscuits as he stirred the beverage. Gaius waited patiently, observing behaviours he’d heard so much about as he sipped his black tea. Sometimes his job was entertaining, people were fascinating after all.
“It’s not just sex.,” Merlin blurted, and Gaius laughed internally while keeping his face blank.
That was exactly Arthur’s first response to the same prompt.
“I suppose that’s a pretty big part of it, but that’s because we fit so well," Merlin blushed but kept babbling on like a creek stumbling over a stick until the stick gets swept up in the flow, "not, like, well yeah we do, perfectly, but I meant the way we talk, the things we think, the people we like, the way we laugh, even the way we don’t have to talk you know? I can understand what a look or flick of a finger means and Arthur gets my ideas before I finish expressing them but he lets me keep going when anyone else would tell me to shut up because they get it. He’s like the sun you know? In the morning, on miserable days, any time if you feel like crap he’ll just blaze away and you’re all warm again - Arthur brings life, like spring. But when he burns like summer! God I just want him. He lets me be myself, no matter how stupid or intelligent or ultra damn dirty I’m feeling, and he’s always the same - little things might change but he’s the same vibrant, funny, compassionate demigod everywhere he goes, whoever he meets...except...except then.”
Merlin stopped beaming, head lowered, with both hands trembling tightly around the coffee mug. The light went out. That’s how Morgana described what happened to both Merlin and Arthur, and Gaius saw how appropriate her description was as it happened in front of him. They were so similar: energetic, positive, affectionate, humorous, hiding something, witty, more than a little kinky but not dangerously so - Morgana and Uther had both provided photographic evidence of that side of the relationship; evidence Gaius really could have done without, their word would have been enough.
Time to find out what Merlin was hiding from himself: “How did you meet?”
“Morgana, we were...together...”
“No, before that.”
“Arthur doesn’t remember so that doesn't count.”
“That upsets you doesn’t it, because you do. Don’t tell me it’s not important, because it obviously is. How did you meet?”
“High school. I was a pity-scholarship boy and he was a...legend, um a nob, you know rich and connected. There was a pack of nobs, all ages; lead by prefects who used to think up horrible things to get pity boys to do as initiations - you know ‘prove yourself worthy of our presence you piece of shit’-if you didn’t accept your task, or failed, or dobbed them in, then they’d do whatever they threatened you with. The punishments were worse than the tasks. Will, my best mate now but then...anyway, Will was in my year and he’d just started his when they called me up for mine. Blackboard he got - they had stupid code names and shit for the things they made you do, and blackboard meant they drew all over your skin with permanent markers - swear words and porn pictures and stuff, on his face and everything. I’m not telling you mine because everybody found out about it when I got caught, so it’s not like some secret all bottled up; but the biggest nob - take that in whatever context you like, it’s still accurate, threatened to...do worse things than...than what happened, you know...then, when, with... way worse! So I dobbed him in to another senior whose prefect page said Pendragon." He mentioned the name as if it were the title of a comic book hero. "He was walking past while I waited outside the Dean’s office to discuss my misdemeanour - which meant find out when I had to stand up in front of the whole school wearing that poncy hat, while he caned my arse. Never thought I’d end up loving The Hat, but... you don’t need to know about that.”
Thanks to Morgana, Lancelot, Guinevere and Arthur, Gaius knew everything about The Hat. Sometimes his consults gave him more than he needed to know rather than not enough. Merlin drank some of his Oreo-sweetened coffee and continued.
“Arthur tried to get the nobs in trouble instead, but the Dean used to be one so put him in detention for contention or something. Will got caned that afternoon before the end of lunch - they made all the students go into the hall, as soon as you saw the table and The Hat on stage you knew what was going on - and I was after him. If The Hat fell off you got extra stripes -it’s a big heavy hat and comes off easily enough- and because I’d told someone he whipped me doubly hard to make sure that thing fell of about five times so I was looking at a total of 150 before I was halfway through the original hundred when this voice rings across the hall...
“Stop!”
The principal leaned back as if slapped and glared at the blond prefect approaching the stage.
“How dare...” he began.
“How dare I? How dare you beat a boy you know was terrorised into committing the act you’re whipping him for!”
“Your father...”
“My father bought me a place in this school as yours did for you. These boys worked to earn their place yet you let others make demeaning and bestial requests of them demanding they prove themselves worthy when they had to do that just to get through the gate, while we can just buy grades! The hazing stops now!”
“You will be expelled...”
“Try it and you’ll follow me.”
“For your insolence Pendragon, you will be next!” he gestured with the cane.
“Very well.” The older boy silently removed The Hat from Merlin’s head, placed it on his own, turned the table so he faced the crowd, dropped his trousers to his knees and braced himself against the table as was tradition. He kept his head high, maintaining his dignity as the stick whipped through the air to crack against him and The Hat was humbled to the ridiculous thing it was, its power gone. Younger boys saw him as their champion, proud and magnificent; their principal weak and posturing in comparison. The pack of nobs began to clap in time with the cane chanting ‘whip him’. Merlin remained standing at the foot of the stage, facing him and soon others stood in silent support as well until the chanters ceased, seeing they were the minority. The cane whistled five more times through the silence before Pendragon simply said “Done”, threw The Hat on the table, replaced his trousers and strode imperiously out of the hall.
Their hero was expelled, but not for that.
During the final class of the day the senior who had threatened Merlin made a derogatory comment about the pretty little pity boy and his hunky hero, the rest was lost in conflicting rumours. He should have remembered how many trophies for various martial arts and fencing tournaments had the name Arthur Pendragon on them before opening his illiterate mouth.
An ambulance took the nob away, but an unmarked white van came for Arthur.
Merlin never got to say ‘Thank you’ or ‘sorry’.
“It wasn’t your fault Merlin. What happened to Arthur started long before that, but that’s not my tale to tell.”
“He said he remembers me - the cruel one, but Arthur doesn’t, or didn’t.”
“Which part of that bothers you most?”
“Both. That he hurt me like that knowing what...how afraid ..., and finding out I wasn’t important enough for him to intervene like that, he would have done that for anybody while I was ready to die for him after that.”
“You came close after the other nobs sought revenge,” Gaius murmured.
Merlin nodded. Gaius didn’t need to hear the rest. He and Uther had been instrumental in replacing the staff and welfare system at the school after the student riots that followed. None of the nobs left the grounds unscathed as their plans for revenge were thwarted by the rest of the student body, but not before two young boys were seriously traumatised. One of them sat in front of him, the other was his friend Will.
“He loves you Merlin, for who you are now. Even a daft old fool like me can see that. You need to let go, not of your affection, just of your guilt and assumed inferiority - another trait you both have in common. Arthur does remember you and something about you allows his alters to reassimilate - because he feels safe; they only exist to protect him after all. Although Heartless is more a sword wielded to attack the threat, which is what he perceived you to be. Hollow is the shield Arthur later developed to defend everyone from the sword - whom Arthur hates and fears more than you do, especially after what he did to you. In just a few days you’ve brought Arthur back together in a way that years of mental training, therapies and medications have not because they lack some ingredient you provide.
I’ll need to see you again tomorrow, not here. I’ll come to Morgana’s. No point mending one half of a heart while the other’s still bleeding.”
*****
Arthur looked at the phone that had fallen out of Merlin’s pocket. They’d agreed not to call or see each other tomorrow, but it was not yet tomorrow and Merlin might be frantically searching for his phone. First he snooped. All Arthur’s old text messages were still there plus two from Will that turned out to be dirty jokes, and the last messages from his mother, none from anyone else had been saved. The visual gallery was mostly images of Will off his face, Morgana doing housework (rare moments indeed, probably a contributing factor in her letting them live there), Merlin’s mother before cancer consumed her, and Arthur pouting in his sleep. He was tempted to delete these last ones but instead took a new photo of himself kissing the lens. Under different circumstances he would have taken pervier pictures than that, but he was still mellow from his prolonged shower.
Righto, he had procrastinated enough: “Hello, I am be liking to have male stripper, do you be having any?”
Morgana laughed. “I’ve one left, skinny and dances like a porn star. I’ll get him for you.”
“Yep?” Merlin answered.
“Are you...naked?”
“Hah, I've missed those calls. Why are you ringing past lights out and what with?”
“Your phone must have fallen out of your pocket; I sat on it after showering.”
“Lucky phone, details please.”
“It’s about three inches long, half as wide, dark blue with dragon wallpaper.”
“Not the phone! Although until you said ‘wallpaper’ I was extremely worried about what radical surgeries they’d performed on you. Does this mean I have to come over tomorrow? What a shame that would be.”
“Better not risk it, Gaius might inflict a lifelong ban and I want to get the hell out of here." and into you "I can get Father to drop it off to you after I delete all your porn.”
“Must be your phone, mine only has kittens and flowers.” Merlin put on a girlie voice and Arthur laughed before Merlin continued, "Doesn’t Uther want to kill me?”
“Why would he?”
“He disowned you for shagging me. You put the school captain in hospital for promising to break me beyond repair. My walking out on you put you in the hole. Why wouldn’t he?”
“He doesn’t blame you. He blames himself; this rubbish started with my older sister Morgause”
“Morgana’s sister? And you two have...ugh!”
“We explained this to you, idiot: Morgause and I have the same mother, she and Morgana have the same father. Morgana and I not related. The twisted sow blamed my father for her parent’s divorce and me for her mother’s death, you know why. Add to that the fact the girls lived with us while their father was on the mission that killed him and we became her worst enemies. She almost killed me during training for a tournament when I was eleven. That pleasant gentleman you met one evening appeared from nowhere to stop her: I went off to hospital followed by a vacation at my current hotel; Morgause went to a remand centre for girls and Morgana begged to stay with us rather than some spinster aunt. Not - your - fault.”
“...”
“Have you blamed yourself, since school?”
“...yes.”
“Well stop it right now. If you hadn’t had the balls to speak out against those freaks, boys would still be tortured there. You’re absolutely amazing.”
“I am what you make me.”
Their familiar playful phrase had become something ugly and hearing Merlin use it so lightly in comparison to that last time when the words had been twisted, but without the same level of affection as earlier times prompted Arthur to finally say out loud what had been filling the silence.
“I love you Merlin. Thank you for coming back, especially when you had the best reason to run further away. Did I mention I love you?”
“You might have, but I may have been hallucinating. Better say it again just in case.”
Arthur could hear Merlin’s relieved smile and wanted to be able to cover it with his own, hear Merlin whisper and moan, feel him against him...better get back in the shower soon, should be some hair conditioner left.
“I love you Merlin, see you Tuesday.”
“I love you too Arthur, sleep well.”
Arthur kissed the phone and hit the shower.
part 16
Disclaimer: Merlinian characters abducted from their Auntie Beeb and allowed to do whatever they want
words: 2686
warning: fluff & angst, medium language
warning 2: have not been eating or sleeping lately so brain was not fully engaged & this bound to disappoint
Beta: BigOlArthurFan (the only person besides Colin with whom author is willing to share Bradley)
15. H is for: Healing
The next day when Merlin visited they just sat on the bed: his legs across Arthur’s lap, arms around each other, silent heads gently together, savouring the contact. Their friends left them early realising they were about to fall asleep, and Merlin lay down under the covers as Arthur lifted them in invitation. They slept through official patient rest time and past lunch. The nurses let them be on strict instructions from Gaius. They spent the remainder of visiting hours in the same manner as pre-nap, the only difference involved scoffing the sandwiches the nurse left behind for them. The pair didn’t even have to talk, automatically handing the other their preference should they pick it up first.
No goodbye kiss, just forlorn sighs and eyes sad to part, promising to reunite on the morrow, a mutual squeeze of fingers communicating all that words could never express properly.
Arthur cried until 03:47 am.
*****
The next day they tangled together again but this time they talked and argued, accused and defended, cried and laughed, then whispered and eventually kissed goodbye. It was like the first kiss they shared: soft, measured, hopeful, hesitant; divine.
Arthur cried until just before midnight.
*****
The next day all they did was hold and whisper and kiss.
Gaius came in towards the end of the afternoon.
“Merlin, I’d like to talk to you alone if I may. Before I do however you both need to be made aware that it would be best if he didn’t visit every day," he looked directly but not accusingly at Arthur, "four days a week at most. Setting up a pattern of dependency now will only make matters worse, for all of you. Your family and friends suffer right along with you. I can’t let that happen.”
Arthur’s face tried on a variety of expressions before donning dejected acceptance and nodding accordingly. Gaius watched every reaction analytically and saw nothing alarming; you’d never know he suffered from MPD. The progress he made since Merlin’s visits began gave Gaius a great deal of hope yet was also slightly disturbing. It was time for that chat.
Merlin and Arthur kissed each other goodbye, agreeing to abstain from seeing and calling each other the next day. Once again what was not said was far more potent than what was.
Arthur spent a large part of that night in the shower, alternately washing, thinking and whacking off. He still loved and craved Merlin equally. Nothing had changed.
Except this night he would sleep.
*****
“Describe your relationship with Arthur for me Merlin. Take a biscuit or ten: I need to cut down and Arthur insists you need to eat up.”
Merlin grinned broadly and chose the Oreos, scraped the white sugar-cream filling into his sugarless coffee and ate the chocolate biscuits as he stirred the beverage. Gaius waited patiently, observing behaviours he’d heard so much about as he sipped his black tea. Sometimes his job was entertaining, people were fascinating after all.
“It’s not just sex.,” Merlin blurted, and Gaius laughed internally while keeping his face blank.
That was exactly Arthur’s first response to the same prompt.
“I suppose that’s a pretty big part of it, but that’s because we fit so well," Merlin blushed but kept babbling on like a creek stumbling over a stick until the stick gets swept up in the flow, "not, like, well yeah we do, perfectly, but I meant the way we talk, the things we think, the people we like, the way we laugh, even the way we don’t have to talk you know? I can understand what a look or flick of a finger means and Arthur gets my ideas before I finish expressing them but he lets me keep going when anyone else would tell me to shut up because they get it. He’s like the sun you know? In the morning, on miserable days, any time if you feel like crap he’ll just blaze away and you’re all warm again - Arthur brings life, like spring. But when he burns like summer! God I just want him. He lets me be myself, no matter how stupid or intelligent or ultra damn dirty I’m feeling, and he’s always the same - little things might change but he’s the same vibrant, funny, compassionate demigod everywhere he goes, whoever he meets...except...except then.”
Merlin stopped beaming, head lowered, with both hands trembling tightly around the coffee mug. The light went out. That’s how Morgana described what happened to both Merlin and Arthur, and Gaius saw how appropriate her description was as it happened in front of him. They were so similar: energetic, positive, affectionate, humorous, hiding something, witty, more than a little kinky but not dangerously so - Morgana and Uther had both provided photographic evidence of that side of the relationship; evidence Gaius really could have done without, their word would have been enough.
Time to find out what Merlin was hiding from himself: “How did you meet?”
“Morgana, we were...together...”
“No, before that.”
“Arthur doesn’t remember so that doesn't count.”
“That upsets you doesn’t it, because you do. Don’t tell me it’s not important, because it obviously is. How did you meet?”
“High school. I was a pity-scholarship boy and he was a...legend, um a nob, you know rich and connected. There was a pack of nobs, all ages; lead by prefects who used to think up horrible things to get pity boys to do as initiations - you know ‘prove yourself worthy of our presence you piece of shit’-if you didn’t accept your task, or failed, or dobbed them in, then they’d do whatever they threatened you with. The punishments were worse than the tasks. Will, my best mate now but then...anyway, Will was in my year and he’d just started his when they called me up for mine. Blackboard he got - they had stupid code names and shit for the things they made you do, and blackboard meant they drew all over your skin with permanent markers - swear words and porn pictures and stuff, on his face and everything. I’m not telling you mine because everybody found out about it when I got caught, so it’s not like some secret all bottled up; but the biggest nob - take that in whatever context you like, it’s still accurate, threatened to...do worse things than...than what happened, you know...then, when, with... way worse! So I dobbed him in to another senior whose prefect page said Pendragon." He mentioned the name as if it were the title of a comic book hero. "He was walking past while I waited outside the Dean’s office to discuss my misdemeanour - which meant find out when I had to stand up in front of the whole school wearing that poncy hat, while he caned my arse. Never thought I’d end up loving The Hat, but... you don’t need to know about that.”
Thanks to Morgana, Lancelot, Guinevere and Arthur, Gaius knew everything about The Hat. Sometimes his consults gave him more than he needed to know rather than not enough. Merlin drank some of his Oreo-sweetened coffee and continued.
“Arthur tried to get the nobs in trouble instead, but the Dean used to be one so put him in detention for contention or something. Will got caned that afternoon before the end of lunch - they made all the students go into the hall, as soon as you saw the table and The Hat on stage you knew what was going on - and I was after him. If The Hat fell off you got extra stripes -it’s a big heavy hat and comes off easily enough- and because I’d told someone he whipped me doubly hard to make sure that thing fell of about five times so I was looking at a total of 150 before I was halfway through the original hundred when this voice rings across the hall...
“Stop!”
The principal leaned back as if slapped and glared at the blond prefect approaching the stage.
“How dare...” he began.
“How dare I? How dare you beat a boy you know was terrorised into committing the act you’re whipping him for!”
“Your father...”
“My father bought me a place in this school as yours did for you. These boys worked to earn their place yet you let others make demeaning and bestial requests of them demanding they prove themselves worthy when they had to do that just to get through the gate, while we can just buy grades! The hazing stops now!”
“You will be expelled...”
“Try it and you’ll follow me.”
“For your insolence Pendragon, you will be next!” he gestured with the cane.
“Very well.” The older boy silently removed The Hat from Merlin’s head, placed it on his own, turned the table so he faced the crowd, dropped his trousers to his knees and braced himself against the table as was tradition. He kept his head high, maintaining his dignity as the stick whipped through the air to crack against him and The Hat was humbled to the ridiculous thing it was, its power gone. Younger boys saw him as their champion, proud and magnificent; their principal weak and posturing in comparison. The pack of nobs began to clap in time with the cane chanting ‘whip him’. Merlin remained standing at the foot of the stage, facing him and soon others stood in silent support as well until the chanters ceased, seeing they were the minority. The cane whistled five more times through the silence before Pendragon simply said “Done”, threw The Hat on the table, replaced his trousers and strode imperiously out of the hall.
Their hero was expelled, but not for that.
During the final class of the day the senior who had threatened Merlin made a derogatory comment about the pretty little pity boy and his hunky hero, the rest was lost in conflicting rumours. He should have remembered how many trophies for various martial arts and fencing tournaments had the name Arthur Pendragon on them before opening his illiterate mouth.
An ambulance took the nob away, but an unmarked white van came for Arthur.
Merlin never got to say ‘Thank you’ or ‘sorry’.
“It wasn’t your fault Merlin. What happened to Arthur started long before that, but that’s not my tale to tell.”
“He said he remembers me - the cruel one, but Arthur doesn’t, or didn’t.”
“Which part of that bothers you most?”
“Both. That he hurt me like that knowing what...how afraid ..., and finding out I wasn’t important enough for him to intervene like that, he would have done that for anybody while I was ready to die for him after that.”
“You came close after the other nobs sought revenge,” Gaius murmured.
Merlin nodded. Gaius didn’t need to hear the rest. He and Uther had been instrumental in replacing the staff and welfare system at the school after the student riots that followed. None of the nobs left the grounds unscathed as their plans for revenge were thwarted by the rest of the student body, but not before two young boys were seriously traumatised. One of them sat in front of him, the other was his friend Will.
“He loves you Merlin, for who you are now. Even a daft old fool like me can see that. You need to let go, not of your affection, just of your guilt and assumed inferiority - another trait you both have in common. Arthur does remember you and something about you allows his alters to reassimilate - because he feels safe; they only exist to protect him after all. Although Heartless is more a sword wielded to attack the threat, which is what he perceived you to be. Hollow is the shield Arthur later developed to defend everyone from the sword - whom Arthur hates and fears more than you do, especially after what he did to you. In just a few days you’ve brought Arthur back together in a way that years of mental training, therapies and medications have not because they lack some ingredient you provide.
I’ll need to see you again tomorrow, not here. I’ll come to Morgana’s. No point mending one half of a heart while the other’s still bleeding.”
*****
Arthur looked at the phone that had fallen out of Merlin’s pocket. They’d agreed not to call or see each other tomorrow, but it was not yet tomorrow and Merlin might be frantically searching for his phone. First he snooped. All Arthur’s old text messages were still there plus two from Will that turned out to be dirty jokes, and the last messages from his mother, none from anyone else had been saved. The visual gallery was mostly images of Will off his face, Morgana doing housework (rare moments indeed, probably a contributing factor in her letting them live there), Merlin’s mother before cancer consumed her, and Arthur pouting in his sleep. He was tempted to delete these last ones but instead took a new photo of himself kissing the lens. Under different circumstances he would have taken pervier pictures than that, but he was still mellow from his prolonged shower.
Righto, he had procrastinated enough: “Hello, I am be liking to have male stripper, do you be having any?”
Morgana laughed. “I’ve one left, skinny and dances like a porn star. I’ll get him for you.”
“Yep?” Merlin answered.
“Are you...naked?”
“Hah, I've missed those calls. Why are you ringing past lights out and what with?”
“Your phone must have fallen out of your pocket; I sat on it after showering.”
“Lucky phone, details please.”
“It’s about three inches long, half as wide, dark blue with dragon wallpaper.”
“Not the phone! Although until you said ‘wallpaper’ I was extremely worried about what radical surgeries they’d performed on you. Does this mean I have to come over tomorrow? What a shame that would be.”
“Better not risk it, Gaius might inflict a lifelong ban and I want to get the hell out of here." and into you "I can get Father to drop it off to you after I delete all your porn.”
“Must be your phone, mine only has kittens and flowers.” Merlin put on a girlie voice and Arthur laughed before Merlin continued, "Doesn’t Uther want to kill me?”
“Why would he?”
“He disowned you for shagging me. You put the school captain in hospital for promising to break me beyond repair. My walking out on you put you in the hole. Why wouldn’t he?”
“He doesn’t blame you. He blames himself; this rubbish started with my older sister Morgause”
“Morgana’s sister? And you two have...ugh!”
“We explained this to you, idiot: Morgause and I have the same mother, she and Morgana have the same father. Morgana and I not related. The twisted sow blamed my father for her parent’s divorce and me for her mother’s death, you know why. Add to that the fact the girls lived with us while their father was on the mission that killed him and we became her worst enemies. She almost killed me during training for a tournament when I was eleven. That pleasant gentleman you met one evening appeared from nowhere to stop her: I went off to hospital followed by a vacation at my current hotel; Morgause went to a remand centre for girls and Morgana begged to stay with us rather than some spinster aunt. Not - your - fault.”
“...”
“Have you blamed yourself, since school?”
“...yes.”
“Well stop it right now. If you hadn’t had the balls to speak out against those freaks, boys would still be tortured there. You’re absolutely amazing.”
“I am what you make me.”
Their familiar playful phrase had become something ugly and hearing Merlin use it so lightly in comparison to that last time when the words had been twisted, but without the same level of affection as earlier times prompted Arthur to finally say out loud what had been filling the silence.
“I love you Merlin. Thank you for coming back, especially when you had the best reason to run further away. Did I mention I love you?”
“You might have, but I may have been hallucinating. Better say it again just in case.”
Arthur could hear Merlin’s relieved smile and wanted to be able to cover it with his own, hear Merlin whisper and moan, feel him against him...better get back in the shower soon, should be some hair conditioner left.
“I love you Merlin, see you Tuesday.”
“I love you too Arthur, sleep well.”
Arthur kissed the phone and hit the shower.
part 16