H is for: Hurtin' (part 13)
Title: H is for: Hurtin'
Author: shutupEccles
Pairing: Merlin/Freya, Merlin/Arthur
Rating: 17+
disclaimer: unoriginal characters spending unsupervised time away from their Auntie Beeb
words: 1989
warnings: angst, violence, language
Beta: BigOlArthurFan (love you forever for your guidance)
13. Hurtin’
Within a week of leaving Arthur, Merlin coincidentally met up with Freya at an art show. They continued on to a dance club, only leaving each other’s side when Freya went home with her friends after they’d exchanged numbers and a brief but electric goodbye kiss.
Due to the speedy progression of his mistake relationship with Arthur, Merlin was at first more than happy to take things slowly with the quiet young woman. Freya’s shyness had even been a bit of a turn on - at first. After long months of nothing more than snogging and a little undershirt action he was tottering dangerously on the verge of date-rape. Merlin had developed a habit of using sex to avoid thinking about what bothered him. With Arthur that strategy had failed because mostly what he thought about was Arthur, which led to thoughts of sex with Arthur, which inevitably led to sex with Arthur and caused him to have to think of wilder sex to distract him from whatever he was avoiding thinking about beneath all that thinking about Arthur and sex. Now what bothered him most was the distinct lack of Arthur in his life, sex attached or not. He couldn’t even remember the other stuff that had started this whole behaviour pattern. His girlfriend’s unwillingness to put out meant Merlin either needed to face the fact that he’d let pride destroy his relationship with the person he loved above all others, or that he needed to persuade her VERY soon to let him into her floral cotton bikini-cut briefs - not that he’d been looking or anything.
Then he’d seen him: laughing with Lancelot and their younger virile colleague who fancied Morgana, Gawain. Arthur was so gorgeous, so vibrant. Didn’t he miss Merlin at all? Why couldn’t Merlin get the wonderful stupid demigod guy out of his head when he had that adorable, sweet, boobylicious, totally-not-Arthur, feminine Freya walking beside him, holding his hand, kissing his neck gently; when that wretched I miss him so much arsehole whose words ‘the rest of my life’ tormented him whenever he was ‘losing you’ alone obviously hadn’t meant them.
Arthur glanced his way and the light behind those beautiful laughing eyes went out. He quickly turned away again, staring at the ground, clenching and unclenching his fists. Lancelot looked around, nodded a sad hello and busily distracted his closest friend as Merlin stopped; wanting to hold you confront Arthur, to tell him I’m so sorry he was right about Freya, to show him he had what he wanted I love you; but instead he turned around and walked away, mumbling to Freya that he’d forgotten something.
He was annoyed all afternoon that Freya hadn’t warned him, that she hadn’t even recognised him as the man Merlin never mentioned to her - probably because he never mentioned him to her, he eventually realised and berated himself for being an idiot. He tried with determination to distract himself in her knickers but as usual she wouldn’t let him.
“Morgana warned me you were a complete horn-dog.”
Morgana would know. What he said aloud was “I’m going home; just remembered Will made plans for...something, so we’ll give this evening a miss yeah?”
“Need a lift?”
“Nah, I’ll walk a bit then take the bus.”
“I’ll pick you up in the morning for work?”
“Ta.”
“Don’t forget my kiss.”
Merlin walked a lot and got lost. He wasn’t familiar with Freya’s neighbourhood. It was getting late so he grabbed a falafel from a takeaway - a disgusting, poorly made falafel, “Anglos got no business copying our food” a Turkish friend once declared and after not-eating that falafel Merlin agreed with him. Then he started to chuckle at the word falafel, then he smiled thought about Arthur’s laugh, then he reached a bus shelter and checked the timetables to see if anything went anywhere near Will’s place, then he mooned thought about Arthur some more and then he felt the familiar vibrations of a bike he’d sat pinion on so many times and turned to see it park in the bus stop.
Leather bike-jacket and anger clad Arthur grabbed Merlin’s wrist and twisted his arm up behind his back as he brutally shoved him face first into the plastic wall and growled menacingly in his ear.
“You are MINE!”
“Prove it!" Merlin challenged not for a moment thinking he would dare. "Claim me.” ...like you used to, show everyone you’re mine and I’m yours.
He grasped him by the back of the neck with one hand, pinning Merlin with his legs and taking his pants down just enough to violently take him from behind as traffic zoomed past unaware. What the fuck? What had just happened to him? What the hell had happened to Arthur? Merlin refused to struggle as he was pressed against the wall while his attacker fixed his clothes before shoving him with both hands in disgust and turning away.
“I still love you Arthur." Merlin was in terrible physical pain but he managed to keep the emotional ache out of his voice as he dressed himself. "I know this isn’t you.” The emotional pain eclipsed the physical when Arthur didn’t even bother turning to cruelly reply:
“Fuck off faggot.”
I wasn’t before you. “I am what you made me.”
“Ditto.” The cruel sneer disappeared inside the protective helmet and then the doppelganger rode away. Merlin realised he was going into shock and phoned Will for help.
*****
He phoned Arthur before Will and family woke up the next morning and was both disappointed and relieved to talk to Morgana instead. Unlike his best friend, who had let him live here since leaving, Morgana would at least try to see both sides clearly. He told her everything. He felt better and worse. Arthur missed him dreadfully, their loss was mutual, Morgana didn’t completely hate him but Arthur had changed, scaring them both. He dressed and attempted breakfast. Can’t afford to mope, life goes on, blah, blah.
Will and his wife Helen came in as he was just waiting for his ride to work.
“You should get checked out.” Will’s wife was concerned as she saw how pale Merlin was, and the bruise along one cheek bone.
“I’m going to work.” Neither she nor Will knew exactly what his clothing hid; neither did Merlin for that matter.
“You still should have informed the police, even if you didn’t see who attacked you.” Will knew Merlin was keeping something to himself, but also knew better than to push his friend.
beep, beep. “Freya’s out front.”
Merlin took off his coat and casually kissed Freya good morning as he got into her car.
“What?" he asked. "Stop staring.”
“What happened?” Freya mentally counted bruises across one cheek, near the back of his neck, one resembling a raisin on his wrist. Merlin noticed her see the last one and moved his arm down by his side as he put on his seatbelt. He wasn’t used to hiding Arthur’s grip marks, or having such grotesque marks to hide.
“Um, Arthur, I, we, he, um saw him, last night.” He really didn’t want to explain that incident; the eclectic combination of hope, regret, thrill, anger and terror he’d felt, the violently angry beast his love had become.
“You ‘saw’ him. Did he do this sort of thing whenever you ‘saw’ him before?”
“Don’t, okay? Just don’t.” Arthur had warned Merlin about another side to himself almost immediately into their relationship, ‘lurking’ he described it, but Merlin had never seen the ‘lurker’ until last night. He hoped like hell he never saw him again.
“If you’re doing disgusting things with him you certainly won’t be touching me.”
“Define disgusting, because if he’s willing to be with me I’m not saying no.” This was probably not the best thing to say but Merlin was too surprised to find how deeply he felt that way to care about Freya’s reaction; gentle, frigid, virginal Freya.
“Do you want to...have sex...with Arthur?”
She couldn’t even say it without getting all flustered. He normally thought that was cute, but this time he got annoyed.
“You do realise that’s what he and I were doing when we yelled to Morgana for help? We were tied naked together on a bed I shared with Arthur for years!”
“I thought it was some stupid prank the way she and Vivien carried on. Morgana didn’t specifically talk about the two of you like you were together. I just assumed you were all housemates. The way you flirted with me the few times we met didn’t give the impression you were in a serious relationship with anyone, let alone a man. You never mention his name.”
“I wouldn’t have flirted with you if I’d known he was as serious as I was.” There it was, the thing he’d been trying to avoid acknowledging these past few months.
She continued talking but he stared at the window as the argument played through his mind, repeating Arthur’s phrases over again so he could hear them properly this time without anger, fear or pride getting in the way: It’s more than your body I want to spend the rest of my life with...I’m giving you the chance to leave...don’t you know that?... losing you...
He hadn’t meant: get out! He meant: I accept and love you for who you are; it’s up to you, don’t leave me.
Merlin had responded by getting defensive and not truly listening when he and Morgana tried to explain.
“I made a mistake,” he stated prophetically.
“I’m glad you realise that.” Freya placed a compassionate hand on his thigh and he remembered she was there.
“No, you’re the mistake. I had everything, a life with Arthur, and you were always flirting with me when I didn’t understand I really had that and I fell for it because I was too stupid to realise I was only lost and then when you were in our house flirting again I got hurt and angry at them for suspecting me of wanting to shag you - which I do, did, well don’t now and I’ve been missing him, god he’s brilliant, so much...”
“Will you stop rabbiting on? I have no idea...”
“Arthur likes the way I rabbit on.” His voice wavered.
“Arthur treats you like that!” She indicated his multiple contusions stark on his skin.
“I like it when he grabs me...”
“You’re disgusting!”
“Not like this!" He held out his wrist. "I didn’t like this. He’s never hurt me like that before, never. I’ve never seen him like that. Arthur’s always been the one who defends those who can’t defend themselves, like a golden knight, my knight. Morgana was right. I broke him.” He rested his head against the window, even more miserable than the day he’d left.
“You better go.”
Everyone was always telling him to go. Arthur had told him to run away moments before asking him to be his ‘Exclusively’ - would he do it again if Merlin tried to go back, or would he understand how much Merlin needed to be asked to stay?
‘...it’s more than your body I want to spend the rest of my life with’ - how could that not mean anything? Why didn’t Arthur see that it could never mean ‘nothing’? It meant everything! It was the difference between ‘I want to keep you close’ and ‘I want to be able to push you away’, the difference between ‘get out of my sight’ and ‘I’m angry but don’t really want you to leave’, the difference between ‘you’re everything’ and ‘you’re nothing’. Why hadn’t Merlin stayed to tell him that?
He wasn’t aware that Freya had driven him to Arthur's Morgana’s house. His tears made it too cruel for her to abandon him by the side of the road in wounded anger. She messaged Morgana who opened the door with a curiously elegant frown, phone still in hand and wearing rumpled pyjamas.
Sensing mutual distress the former housemates fell into each other’s arms and stood crying as Freya drove away. Merlin didn't understand why Morgana was so upset. She'd only tried to protect them both.
"Is Arthur home? I really need to...Morgana?" Merlin hadn't thought his heart had any pieces left to break until he remembered Morgana telling him Arthur had tried to kill himself after Gwen. "Where is he?!"
"Some hospital somewhere, I'm waiting for Uther to call."
They went inside and waited together, each finding solace in the other's wordless presence.
part 14
Author: shutupEccles
Pairing: Merlin/Freya, Merlin/Arthur
Rating: 17+
disclaimer: unoriginal characters spending unsupervised time away from their Auntie Beeb
words: 1989
warnings: angst, violence, language
Beta: BigOlArthurFan (love you forever for your guidance)
13. Hurtin’
Within a week of leaving Arthur, Merlin coincidentally met up with Freya at an art show. They continued on to a dance club, only leaving each other’s side when Freya went home with her friends after they’d exchanged numbers and a brief but electric goodbye kiss.
Due to the speedy progression of his mistake relationship with Arthur, Merlin was at first more than happy to take things slowly with the quiet young woman. Freya’s shyness had even been a bit of a turn on - at first. After long months of nothing more than snogging and a little undershirt action he was tottering dangerously on the verge of date-rape. Merlin had developed a habit of using sex to avoid thinking about what bothered him. With Arthur that strategy had failed because mostly what he thought about was Arthur, which led to thoughts of sex with Arthur, which inevitably led to sex with Arthur and caused him to have to think of wilder sex to distract him from whatever he was avoiding thinking about beneath all that thinking about Arthur and sex. Now what bothered him most was the distinct lack of Arthur in his life, sex attached or not. He couldn’t even remember the other stuff that had started this whole behaviour pattern. His girlfriend’s unwillingness to put out meant Merlin either needed to face the fact that he’d let pride destroy his relationship with the person he loved above all others, or that he needed to persuade her VERY soon to let him into her floral cotton bikini-cut briefs - not that he’d been looking or anything.
Then he’d seen him: laughing with Lancelot and their younger virile colleague who fancied Morgana, Gawain. Arthur was so gorgeous, so vibrant. Didn’t he miss Merlin at all? Why couldn’t Merlin get the wonderful stupid demigod guy out of his head when he had that adorable, sweet, boobylicious, totally-not-Arthur, feminine Freya walking beside him, holding his hand, kissing his neck gently; when that wretched I miss him so much arsehole whose words ‘the rest of my life’ tormented him whenever he was ‘losing you’ alone obviously hadn’t meant them.
Arthur glanced his way and the light behind those beautiful laughing eyes went out. He quickly turned away again, staring at the ground, clenching and unclenching his fists. Lancelot looked around, nodded a sad hello and busily distracted his closest friend as Merlin stopped; wanting to hold you confront Arthur, to tell him I’m so sorry he was right about Freya, to show him he had what he wanted I love you; but instead he turned around and walked away, mumbling to Freya that he’d forgotten something.
He was annoyed all afternoon that Freya hadn’t warned him, that she hadn’t even recognised him as the man Merlin never mentioned to her - probably because he never mentioned him to her, he eventually realised and berated himself for being an idiot. He tried with determination to distract himself in her knickers but as usual she wouldn’t let him.
“Morgana warned me you were a complete horn-dog.”
Morgana would know. What he said aloud was “I’m going home; just remembered Will made plans for...something, so we’ll give this evening a miss yeah?”
“Need a lift?”
“Nah, I’ll walk a bit then take the bus.”
“I’ll pick you up in the morning for work?”
“Ta.”
“Don’t forget my kiss.”
Merlin walked a lot and got lost. He wasn’t familiar with Freya’s neighbourhood. It was getting late so he grabbed a falafel from a takeaway - a disgusting, poorly made falafel, “Anglos got no business copying our food” a Turkish friend once declared and after not-eating that falafel Merlin agreed with him. Then he started to chuckle at the word falafel, then he smiled thought about Arthur’s laugh, then he reached a bus shelter and checked the timetables to see if anything went anywhere near Will’s place, then he mooned thought about Arthur some more and then he felt the familiar vibrations of a bike he’d sat pinion on so many times and turned to see it park in the bus stop.
Leather bike-jacket and anger clad Arthur grabbed Merlin’s wrist and twisted his arm up behind his back as he brutally shoved him face first into the plastic wall and growled menacingly in his ear.
“You are MINE!”
“Prove it!" Merlin challenged not for a moment thinking he would dare. "Claim me.” ...like you used to, show everyone you’re mine and I’m yours.
He grasped him by the back of the neck with one hand, pinning Merlin with his legs and taking his pants down just enough to violently take him from behind as traffic zoomed past unaware. What the fuck? What had just happened to him? What the hell had happened to Arthur? Merlin refused to struggle as he was pressed against the wall while his attacker fixed his clothes before shoving him with both hands in disgust and turning away.
“I still love you Arthur." Merlin was in terrible physical pain but he managed to keep the emotional ache out of his voice as he dressed himself. "I know this isn’t you.” The emotional pain eclipsed the physical when Arthur didn’t even bother turning to cruelly reply:
“Fuck off faggot.”
I wasn’t before you. “I am what you made me.”
“Ditto.” The cruel sneer disappeared inside the protective helmet and then the doppelganger rode away. Merlin realised he was going into shock and phoned Will for help.
*****
He phoned Arthur before Will and family woke up the next morning and was both disappointed and relieved to talk to Morgana instead. Unlike his best friend, who had let him live here since leaving, Morgana would at least try to see both sides clearly. He told her everything. He felt better and worse. Arthur missed him dreadfully, their loss was mutual, Morgana didn’t completely hate him but Arthur had changed, scaring them both. He dressed and attempted breakfast. Can’t afford to mope, life goes on, blah, blah.
Will and his wife Helen came in as he was just waiting for his ride to work.
“You should get checked out.” Will’s wife was concerned as she saw how pale Merlin was, and the bruise along one cheek bone.
“I’m going to work.” Neither she nor Will knew exactly what his clothing hid; neither did Merlin for that matter.
“You still should have informed the police, even if you didn’t see who attacked you.” Will knew Merlin was keeping something to himself, but also knew better than to push his friend.
beep, beep. “Freya’s out front.”
Merlin took off his coat and casually kissed Freya good morning as he got into her car.
“What?" he asked. "Stop staring.”
“What happened?” Freya mentally counted bruises across one cheek, near the back of his neck, one resembling a raisin on his wrist. Merlin noticed her see the last one and moved his arm down by his side as he put on his seatbelt. He wasn’t used to hiding Arthur’s grip marks, or having such grotesque marks to hide.
“Um, Arthur, I, we, he, um saw him, last night.” He really didn’t want to explain that incident; the eclectic combination of hope, regret, thrill, anger and terror he’d felt, the violently angry beast his love had become.
“You ‘saw’ him. Did he do this sort of thing whenever you ‘saw’ him before?”
“Don’t, okay? Just don’t.” Arthur had warned Merlin about another side to himself almost immediately into their relationship, ‘lurking’ he described it, but Merlin had never seen the ‘lurker’ until last night. He hoped like hell he never saw him again.
“If you’re doing disgusting things with him you certainly won’t be touching me.”
“Define disgusting, because if he’s willing to be with me I’m not saying no.” This was probably not the best thing to say but Merlin was too surprised to find how deeply he felt that way to care about Freya’s reaction; gentle, frigid, virginal Freya.
“Do you want to...have sex...with Arthur?”
She couldn’t even say it without getting all flustered. He normally thought that was cute, but this time he got annoyed.
“You do realise that’s what he and I were doing when we yelled to Morgana for help? We were tied naked together on a bed I shared with Arthur for years!”
“I thought it was some stupid prank the way she and Vivien carried on. Morgana didn’t specifically talk about the two of you like you were together. I just assumed you were all housemates. The way you flirted with me the few times we met didn’t give the impression you were in a serious relationship with anyone, let alone a man. You never mention his name.”
“I wouldn’t have flirted with you if I’d known he was as serious as I was.” There it was, the thing he’d been trying to avoid acknowledging these past few months.
She continued talking but he stared at the window as the argument played through his mind, repeating Arthur’s phrases over again so he could hear them properly this time without anger, fear or pride getting in the way: It’s more than your body I want to spend the rest of my life with...I’m giving you the chance to leave...don’t you know that?... losing you...
He hadn’t meant: get out! He meant: I accept and love you for who you are; it’s up to you, don’t leave me.
Merlin had responded by getting defensive and not truly listening when he and Morgana tried to explain.
“I made a mistake,” he stated prophetically.
“I’m glad you realise that.” Freya placed a compassionate hand on his thigh and he remembered she was there.
“No, you’re the mistake. I had everything, a life with Arthur, and you were always flirting with me when I didn’t understand I really had that and I fell for it because I was too stupid to realise I was only lost and then when you were in our house flirting again I got hurt and angry at them for suspecting me of wanting to shag you - which I do, did, well don’t now and I’ve been missing him, god he’s brilliant, so much...”
“Will you stop rabbiting on? I have no idea...”
“Arthur likes the way I rabbit on.” His voice wavered.
“Arthur treats you like that!” She indicated his multiple contusions stark on his skin.
“I like it when he grabs me...”
“You’re disgusting!”
“Not like this!" He held out his wrist. "I didn’t like this. He’s never hurt me like that before, never. I’ve never seen him like that. Arthur’s always been the one who defends those who can’t defend themselves, like a golden knight, my knight. Morgana was right. I broke him.” He rested his head against the window, even more miserable than the day he’d left.
“You better go.”
Everyone was always telling him to go. Arthur had told him to run away moments before asking him to be his ‘Exclusively’ - would he do it again if Merlin tried to go back, or would he understand how much Merlin needed to be asked to stay?
‘...it’s more than your body I want to spend the rest of my life with’ - how could that not mean anything? Why didn’t Arthur see that it could never mean ‘nothing’? It meant everything! It was the difference between ‘I want to keep you close’ and ‘I want to be able to push you away’, the difference between ‘get out of my sight’ and ‘I’m angry but don’t really want you to leave’, the difference between ‘you’re everything’ and ‘you’re nothing’. Why hadn’t Merlin stayed to tell him that?
He wasn’t aware that Freya had driven him to Arthur's Morgana’s house. His tears made it too cruel for her to abandon him by the side of the road in wounded anger. She messaged Morgana who opened the door with a curiously elegant frown, phone still in hand and wearing rumpled pyjamas.
Sensing mutual distress the former housemates fell into each other’s arms and stood crying as Freya drove away. Merlin didn't understand why Morgana was so upset. She'd only tried to protect them both.
"Is Arthur home? I really need to...Morgana?" Merlin hadn't thought his heart had any pieces left to break until he remembered Morgana telling him Arthur had tried to kill himself after Gwen. "Where is he?!"
"Some hospital somewhere, I'm waiting for Uther to call."
They went inside and waited together, each finding solace in the other's wordless presence.
part 14