#6 (Boy you've got me) Helpless
Author: inky_starlight
Prompt: #6
Title: (Boy you've got me) Helpless
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Length: 6,513 words
Summary: College!au, wizard!au: Finally going back to magical college after dropping out ten years ago, Show Luo is anxious enough... even more so when he finds out that Zhang Yixing, a well-known potions prodigy child, is his roommate.
Warnings: Anxiety, age gap, Lu Han as an RA
Notes: This is my first time writing Showxing and I'm so excited! Thank you so much to the prompter, and thank you VERY much to India for convincing me to try fests in the first place and for beta-ing this for me, and thank you to Crystal for also beta-ing this! Title from my forever obsession "Hamilton."
Deep breaths; inhale deeply through your nose, breathe out through your mouth. Slower than that. Slower than that.
It was a beautiful day out; a gentle breeze cut through the heat and made the trees rustle softly, a few clouds in the sky but nothing that looked like rain. The bees buzzed lazily from flower to flower, and it was still early enough in the fall that the animals were content to be calm, running around to play or just sitting in their trees and burrows, rather than the frantic searching for food that would begin in a few weeks as the weather began to turn. In the distance, a witch was showing her young son what kind of mushrooms worked best for potion making, gently adding more into a gathering bag. Nearby, several toddlers played on the swings of a playground, close enough to hear but far enough away that their happy shrieks weren’t too jarring[a].
The absolute perfection of Show Luo’s current spot was completely and utterly lost on him. He’d taken the bus to a farther stop, hoping the walk to campus would help him to calm down. Instead he was more jittery than ever, his hair sticking up from where he’d gripped it as he ran his hands through it.
“I can do this, I can, it’ll just take longer, but I can get it done,” Show Luo muttered to himself, gripping his hair again while he ran his fingers through his hair.
Ten years. He hadn’t been in a magic school for ten years. He was attempting to calm himself with the knowledge that he’d been reviewing what he knew already, his old school notes, for the past few years when he’d been waffling about going back that year and deciding not to; he wasn’t going to be taking remedial potions classes or anything, but at the same time, techniques changed in ten years, practicing styles changed in ten years, and he hadn’t kept up with those. He hoped desperately that he wasn’t diving back into something beyond his ability to adapt to, and yet he was managing to convince himself that he was going to be a lost cause.
He had been getting by for the past few years working normal jobs, non-magical jobs, but without a non-magical education beyond the basic required schooling there was only so much he could do, even in those. Everything was so specialized now. He’d been a store clerk for the past five years, the last three of them at both a bakery and a flower shop, and while he could make enough between the two to afford the spare bedroom in the apartment above the bakery, it was never what he’d imagined doing with his life.
But now, now that he was finally going back, it didn’t seem like he was nearly as prepared as he should be.
He reached the campus sooner than he’d hoped, the closely spaced trees giving way to a manicured lawn. He’d been on campus recently, when he’d spoken with the headmaster as a second-time prospective student, so he knew where his dorms were.
Dorms. He had no idea what the headmaster had been thinking, asking someone who was going to be about ten years older, or more, than most of the students here to stay in the dorms. With a roommate.
The path continued into and through the campus, and Show walked past the lecture hall buildings, the library, the potions lab building, around the ancient weeping willow tree that supposedly the founder of the school herself had planted in the center of campus. The campus had a look to it, half modern, half stuck in a much earlier era, and Show found he liked it. Most of the buildings were old, well-maintained but clearly old, but there were a few modern buildings in between, with sleek lines and minimalist architecture. The trees were even older than the oldest of the professors, the mural on the side of an outdoor stairwell, painted with magic so that the horses drank water and occasionally ran around the painted trees with their gently creaking branches, was new. Dignified, imposing, buildings had neon colored flyers for clubs and intramural tournaments plastered like siding all around every doorway. Old and new, blended together in that special way that only college campuses could really pull off.
The grassy area outside the dorm buildings was packed with people. Parents crying while trying to hold onto their children for as long as they still could, little kids chasing a stuffed toy of a lion, which some parent had charmed to run around and roar. Older students seeing each other and screeching as they ran to each other. Students of all ages panicking about forgetting one thing or another.
Show weaved his way through the throng of people to his dorm building, Griffin. Co-ed building, but each floor was separate. Show still had no idea what the headmaster was thinking; he hoped his roommate had very understanding parents or at least parents who didn’t ask questions.
The inside of Griffin was not much better than the outside. It was packed with parents and students and siblings, maintenance replacing furniture trying to weave through everyone with their sets of tools, both magical and non.
There was a girl at the front counter when he approached it.
“Hello,” he said when he reached it. “I’m checking in, Show Luo?”
“Show Luo…” she scrolled through several pieces of paper. “Ah, gotcha! You’re on floor three, room 387, and your roommate is… oh!”
There was a touch of excitement on her face and that made Show more nervous than he already was.
“Your roommate is Yixing! Zhang Yixing.”
The butterflies in his stomach suddenly felt like bowling balls. Show hadn’t been keeping up with the latest goings-on in the magical world, but even he knew who Zhang Yixing was. His mother was a witch living in a town a few hours away from the campus, his father wasn’t magical, save for his personal knowledge of how to make potions, although there were rumors flying around that Mr. Zhang could not possibly be Yixing’s real father; the kid was far too gifted with magic.
Apparently Yixing had been helping his mother with potions since he was seven, filling her requests from her neighbors, and even people across town who came for her help, while she worked on spells. He was studying advanced potion theory when he was twelve, and started spell work shortly after. He’d already been accepted into probably literally every magical graduate school program in the country, although Show wasn’t completely sure about that one since he’d seen it in a gossip newsletter a customer of the bakery had left behind, but honestly, with how talented the kid was supposed to be, Show wouldn’t be surprised if it was truth.
And he was his roommate. Show was already anxious enough about rooming with a kid, but knowing that his roommate was Zhang Yixing? What the hell was the headmaster thinking?! Putting the prodigy child with the old man who hadn’t studied magic for ten years, yes, that was the recipe for an excellent roommate situation.
The voice of the resident assistant snapped him out of his thoughts:
“Here, I’ll show you to your room!”
“Oh, don’t worry about me,” Show Luo tried to wave her off. “It’s pretty busy today and I can find it on my own.”
“No, really! I insist; it won’t be any trouble at all!” The girl just smiled, and grabbed a passing co-worker to take over for her.
He just followed behind her as she led him, very unnecessarily, to the elevators. Which were about twenty feet away. The way she’d lit up when she saw Zhang’s name told him all he needed to know, and he wasn’t going to get in the way of a college crush.
He followed behind her once the elevator reached the third floor, and together they weaved through the mass of excited students and nervous parents, all trying to get stuff moved into the rooms. There were a couple of frat boys (or at least if they weren’t frat boys then they were very good actors) already yelling about a party, and someone had already knocked half the resident assistant’s bulletin board decorations off.
A few doors past the community bathroom, the girl stopped. Room 387. There were two little door decorations: one a rabbit with frightening googly eyes, and the other a hat. Show’s name was printed with surprisingly neat penmanship on the rabbit, and Zhang’s name on the band of the hat.
The girl knocked, and a few seconds later the door opened.
The kid on the other side of the door was, well, a kid. Show hadn’t felt the oh-golly-I’m-ten-years-older-than-this-CHILD-I’m-rooming-with quite as strongly as he did in that moment.
The kid seemed to realize who he was as soon as he saw him, though, since before he even said anything his eyes turned into little crescent moons in the cutest eye smile Show had ever seen, and dimples came in at the corners of the kid’s mouth.
“Hi!” He held out his hand. “I’m Zhang Yixing.”
“Show Luo,” he returned as he shook Yixing’s hand.
“Well,” the resident assistant cut in, “I’ll leave you to it- oh! I forgot your key!”
Show had a feeling she hadn’t “forgotten” it at all.
Show wasn’t sure what he had expected from Zhang Yixing, but he was pretty sure the actual Yixing (as he’d asked Show to call him within about fifteen minutes) was far from it. Yixing helped him find the numbers on all of his furniture to write down for the “room condition” sheet, crawling around on the floor to find where the number on the lower footboard was. He helped Show move the furniture around (well, at least, in the very limited way they could with a room as small as theirs was) and thanked Show very enthusiastically when he helped Yixing loft his bed enough to shove his dresser under it.
Show had just finished helping Yixing wrestle a tightly folded fitted sheet onto Yixing’s mattress when they got another knock on the door.
This time instead of the girl resident assistant from before, it was a kid with a could-be-fifteen-could-be-twenty kind of face, and sunglasses on his head keeping his bangs out of his eyes.
“Yo,” was all he said with a wink that Show wasn’t sure if it was supposed to goofy or genuinely charming.
“Hey, man,” Yixing smiled. “Show, this is Lu Han, our resident assistant.”
“And his best friend,” Lu Han cut in.
“And my best friend,” Yixing nodded. “Lu Han, this is Show Luo.”
They shook hands, and Lu Han nodded.
“Glad you’re here,” he said. “I was just coming by to drop off this,”
He reached around to the back of their door, the side that faced inside the dorm room, and slapped a piece of paper with tape on it at about eye level.
“That’s my room number, phone number, and the time and place of the mandatory hall meeting.” Lu Han said, and readied another piece of paper and tape, and slapped it on below the first one. “And this is the time and place for my program. It’s not mandatory but if you don’t come I’ll put newt eyes in your socks, so…”
Yixing rolled his eyes. “We’re coming, we’re coming.”
“Good,” Lu Han smiled. “See you.”
And with that, he was gone.
“That’s Lu Han,” Yixing told him once he’d closed the door again. “He’s a senior this year and he’s tired of me being the only one to show up to his programs.”
Show nodded, “speaking of which…”
“I’m a junior,” Yixing smiled. “The headmaster told me you’re a junior too.”
“About that…” Show started. “This isn’t too weird, is it? I’m like ten years older than you and I know it’s probably pretty weird rooming with me. The Headmaster told me you’d agreed to it but if I’m keeping you from rooming with a friend…”
“Oh I’m fine!” Yixing said with a smile. “All my friends are either resident assistants or are attached at the hip so I was going to be rooming away from them anyway.”
“And the age thing…”
“Totally fine,” Yixing laughed.
Show was still a little anxious about it, but since Yixing was obviously completely at ease, he could feel the anxiety slipping away just a bit.
The campus “welcome week” was a sort of lazy blend of starting up classes and stupid amounts of partying. Of course there were the frat house and sorority parties (which Show had absolutely zero desire to go to and apparently neither did Yixing) but there were also the official campus events, which Yixing did want to go to, and dragged Show along with him.
He knew that Yixing was just trying to include him and make him feel wanted but he’d never felt so much like an old man than when Yixing was pulling him along through the “casino night” which was the name for the event of party games (bingo, ring toss, some game that reminded Show of beer pong but it was one-sided and, of course, minus the beer) that the student government had put together. There were shirts and everything. In second place for the “you’re too old for this” contest was when Yixing took him to Student Organizations Night, where everyone signed up for clubs. There were some students around Show’s age, graduate school students, and even then he was on the upper end of the spectrum. He begged off signing up for anything, telling Yixing that he wanted to focus on getting his feet under him as far as school went.
As far as classes went, it was a fairly even mix. He’d gotten a lot of the required courses out of the way when he’d started college, but now the requirements had changed, so he had one more mandatory magical history to do, along with Spellwork Theory, Potions III (and the accompanying lab) Ancient Texts, and Practical Spells. He felt confident enough with Magical History and Ancient Texts, since those were both strictly lecture and reading and any change in information would be minimal. The reading for Ancient Texts was a bit heavy, but nothing he couldn’t get done if he spent a Sunday in the library. Spellwork Theory was a little intimidating, but ultimately didn’t seem too bad: it sounded like the worst part of it would be their tests, and the material would help him in Practical Spells. Practical Spells and Potions III terrified him: there was the potions lecture, which he was sort of okay with, but then a lab, and Practical Spells was a lab class, although it counted for three credit hours. All applied w
ork and Show was terrified he’d either make a fool of himself, kill someone, or both.
Yixing was in two of his classes, Spellwork Theory, and Practical Spells. Show couldn’t decide if he was thrilled or mortified. On one hand, Yixing would know what he was dealing with, and on the other hand, Yixing would see him screw up horribly.
Still, it was hard to feel too awkward about it when Yixing was so happy. Only a few weeks into class and Yixing had already made a habit out of walking with him to Spellwork Theory (every Tuesday and Thursday mid-morning) sitting next to him, walking with him to the dining hall after and getting him to sit down with Yixing’s group of friends, and then dragging him (sometimes nearly literally, depending how the day was going) to Practical Spells. Yixing even wanted to share a lab table with him for Practical Spells and Show was a more than a little surprised.
But he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth; he needed as much help as he could get. Potions III was getting easier, even the lab, as he got back into the swing of things (the art of potion making had not changed all that much) but Practical Spells was going to be the death of him. When he had started college, and he had done quite a few practical spell classes, mostly household spells but there was some defense work in there as well, everything had been very stationary. He’d combined the ingredients, said the proper incantation, and the spell was ready to be blown off the spell paper and activate whenever, no matter the user.
Now, though, now spellwork was all about movement. Yixing was amazing, Show could watch him all day, pouring just a couple pinches into his hands and letting it fly as he made magic flow out of him and into the ingredients through dance. He was so joyful in his movements, Show couldn’t help but be in awe.
These kids, they’d learned this kind of magic, magic through movement, when they were impressionable, some had probably grown up knowing that magic wasn’t static, but that the life of it was born through dance and grace. Show could learn the steps, but his spellwork was flat. He could do the dance, but he couldn’t feel the magic flowing out of him like it did with Yixing. Show had learned spellwork as a static thing, something that anyone could ultimately use, but the witch or wizard had to put their magic into it, bring it to life in a gentler way.
At least potions wasn’t the terror he’d imagined it would be. Now if only spellwork wasn’t ten times as worse as he’d dreaded.
Show had made a habit of studying in the dorm room while Yixing was out for his Monday and Wednesday “Advanced Defense Potions” and he could usually get to a point with his Practical Spells coursework that he didn’t look quite as stressed when Yixing came in.
But Yixing caught him mid-mild-panic about two weeks before midterms when his Monday class was cancelled and he came back within about twenty minutes after he left. Show had been trying to get some reading done, but as soon as the spellwork reading started getting technical, Show always, without fail, started to panic as his brain decided that checking out and thinking about failure was a better option than reading for class.
Show was gripping his hair hard enough to pull a few strands out and staring at his textbook, trying desperately to focus, when he heard the door open and close again.
“Hi! Class got cancelled and… are you okay?” Yixing stopped with his book bag half off his shoulder.
Show couldn’t speak, he kept trying to get his mouth to form words and his vocal cords to actually work but all that came out were the starts of words.
Yixing quietly took his bookbag off his shoulder the rest of the way, set it down gently, and walked over to Show’s desk to see what he was reading. His expression changed, although Show couldn’t articulate what the new expression was, something between understanding and sadness, and he gently reached over and closed the textbook. He pulled his own desk chair over and sat next to Show, reaching for his hands and holding them slowly enough that Show would have had plenty of time to pull away or tell him no if he didn’t want to be touched.
“Talk to me,” Yixing’s voice was gentle.
Show couldn’t lie to Yixing. The kid was too perceptive, and Show didn’t think he had the mental energy to brush everything off and come up with anything convincing. So he told him. Show started from the beginning, from his worries about going back to school in the first place, and then got to how Practical Spells was pretty much every one of those worries coming to pass. Spellwork had changed so much since he’d been in school, and even though it wasn’t his major he still needed the class to graduate. Spellwork knowledge and application was essential, no matter the specialization of a witch or wizard. If he couldn’t pass this class, did that mean coming back to school was a mistake? He couldn’t work with magic through movement, couldn’t perform spells in this way that was exclusive to wizards and witches only. He’d learned spellwork as being a lot like potions, where anyone could use them as long as the witch or wizard made them, and while he hadn’t thought it would necessarily stay the exact same, he didn’t
expect it would change this much in ten years and he felt more than a little foolish for not keeping up with magic practices.
Yixing took a minute to respond, gently rubbing his thumb over the back of Show’s hands to let him know he was thinking about what to say. Show had known Yixing long enough that he would have known that’s what he was doing without the reminder, but in his anxious state he appreciated it.
“I think you’re amazing,” Yixing told him softly. “Having all of that hanging over you and coming back in spite of it… that’s amazing.”
He continued: “I haven’t had to deal with something like that, and, at least in a school setting I don’t think I ever will, but I get it. My mom does static spellwork, too, and she told me there’s no way she could ever channel her magic through movement, through dance, like I do. You’re not alone in having trouble with moving spellwork.”
Show knew Yixing meant it to be comforting, and it was. A witch like Yixing’s mother also did static spells… exclusively static spells. Moving spellwork was a new thing for the entire magical community.
“I think,” Yixing continued, “that if you ask the professor if you can meet with her, if you explain to her why you’re having trouble with moving spellwork, that she’ll work something out with you. I don’t know if that will be tutoring, or even just letting you do the coursework in your own way, but I know she’ll work something out with you.”
“Okay,” Show nodded. “Thank you.”
Even though the matter wasn’t settled yet, Show already did feel better with the reassurance. Enough that he let Yixing pull him along to lunch with his friends when the time was right, and pretty soon he was laughing along with the rest of them.
Show emailed his professor about needing to meet with her soon, and to his relief she was available for office hours the next day. His palms were sweating as he spoke to her, and he had to grip his jeans to keep from rubbing his hands on his thighs nervously, but she was very understanding. He had official professor permission to complete the coursework in his own, static, way.
And the next Practical Spells class went wonderfully. Not only did, for once, his spell work correctly, but the entire class was a little in awe that he could do it without movement. Just as he could barely grasp putting his magic into movement, the other students couldn’t imagine not moving, having to channel their magic as they stood still.
And the best part of all, Yixing had smiled the entire time, looking both gleeful and proud of what Show was capable of.
Midterms passed, they both did well, and Show felt like he could breathe again. Now that he wasn’t constantly anxious about classes, he was much more eager to hang out with Yixing. He was more talkative around Yixing’s friends, and even though he would still get anxious it was easier for him to slip back into his personality.
Show still spent quite a bit of time studying, but he was much more flexible with his schedule. He couldn’t resist Yixing’s beaming smile when Show agreed to go to a club event, or university movie night. Yixing would wrap one or both of his arms around one of Show’s arms, and would walk like that the whole way to wherever they were going.
He sat close, too. He’d always done this, but now there was just something… more, something that Show couldn’t articulate to it. They went to Lu Han’s programs and Yixing would practically be in his lap as they did whatever Lu Han had come up with. The freshman and sophomores looked at them with surprise, but the juniors who knew Yixing knew that was how he was, and Lu Han threw Show a saucy wink that made him blush before he could think about why.
They did things with Yixing’s friends, but they did plenty on their own, too, both in and out of the dorm. Fridays became “go into town and get dinner” nights, and sometimes dinner and a movie. Show would tell stories, silly things that had happened during his ten years as an odd jobs man, during dinner and Yixing would end up laughing at most of them. Yixing would talk about his mother and father and how life was at home and Show couldn’t stop staring at his happy little smile. During the movie Yixing would cuddle up to him, and Show would lean his direction a bit so Yixing didn’t have to bend his neck as far, and at least half the time, Yixing ended up falling asleep with his head on Show’s shoulder during the bus ride back to campus.
It was on one of those Friday’s, as Show was helping Yixing into bed since he was still too sleepy to remember to take his shoes off, that he realized what was going on.
He had a crush on Zhang Yixing.
The thought was immediately replaced by I have a crush on a kid who’s ten years younger than me.
And then he panicked. Not in an out loud, audible way, Yixing was asleep and Show didn’t want to wake him up, but he was trembling as he changed out of his jeans and into sleep clothes, and the only thing going through his mind was the gut-punching feeling of fear and shit, shit, what am I going to do? What am I doing? How in the world did this happen? Shit!
He laid awake, staring up at the cobweb on the ceiling blowing gently in the air current from the air conditioning vent, until the wee hours of the morning.
When he woke up, obscenely late if he was going by his usual time, he knew exactly what he was going to do.
He was going to ignore it.
Show had pushed through going back to college with anxiety, he could finish college with an unrequited crush.
Things stayed the same between the two of them. Yixing took him to club events and claimed the seat next to him in Spellwork Theory and stayed his lab partner in Practical Spells. They studied together for Spellwork Theory, Show at his desk while Yixing spread his book and papers out on Show’s bed and asked him question after question about static spell making. Show got to watch Yixing be absolutely brilliant in spellwork from up close and he could see Yixing smiling at him the entire time he worked on his own spells.
They continued their Friday tradition, although dinner became street food and a movie became a walk around the downtown area since neither of them were made of money. Lu Han always teased them, telling them to enjoy their date when he saw them leaving. It had stopped making Show blush every time by about the fifth week of hearing it, and Yixing still had not corrected Lu Han. Show didn’t care, not when Yixing just clung to his arm and called over his shoulder to Lu Han in a sing-song tone:
“Don’t wait up for us!”
Show was aware that he was falling hard, but he couldn’t find it in him to back off. Not when Yixing was happily attached to his hip both in public and in private. They did laundry together at three in the morning on Sundays since they had the laundry room to themselves, and Show realized that Yixing borrowed half of his things when he was folding both of their laundry piles once they were out of the dryer, telling Yixing:
“You have to fold the clothes while they’re warm so they don’t wrinkle before you put them away… and don’t tell me that you’ll put them away when you get back up to the room, I know you won’t.”
And since Show folded all of Yixing’s laundry too, Yixing did not complain, just plastered himself to Show’s back when he started getting sleepy and yawning.
Sunday night walks in the woodsy area of campus, Yixing cuddling up to Show when they sat on his bed to watch a movie, and Yixing falling asleep on Show’s bed when they’d been studying late at night… Show knew his heart was going to hurt later but he didn’t want to push Yixing away, he liked this too much.
But at the same time he knew he could never tell Yixing. Sure, Yixing didn’t act like his with any of his other friends, but he also wasn’t roommates with any of his other friends. Some hopeful little voice in his brain said that maybe, just maybe, Yixing liked him back, but Show firmly pushed it away. A ten year age gap. Ten years. Show shouldn’t even be entertaining the idea.
When studying got easier for him and the weather got colder, Show made a habit of waiting for Yixing outside of the lab building with two cups of hot chocolate in hand when Yixing finished up with his Advanced Defense Potions class. The late morning walk did him some good and he adored the delighted smile Yixing always had on his face whenever he spotted Show waiting by the tree just outside the building.
It was late November, just about to turn into Finals Study Hell season when, for the first time, Yixing looked uncharacteristically nervous as he greeted Show after Advanced Defense Potions.
“Thank you,” Yixing smiled at him as he took the hot chocolate, but even the smile looked nervous, and it immediately put Show on edge.
“Can…” Yixing started, swallowed, and then started again. “Can we go straight back to the room? I need to tell you something.”
Show nodded, but inwardly he was panicking. Shit, oh shit, he’d gone too far, hadn’t he? He’d gone too far and made Yixing uncomfortable. He couldn’t figure out what he’d done differently recently than he’d done over the course of the semester, but maybe Yixing had been hoping he’d realize and stop on his own? Or maybe Lu Han had told him. Show had never told Lu Han anything about his crush, which he was trying to deny, on Yixing but Lu Han was perceptive, and Yixing was too. He must have figured it out somehow and was uncomfortable with it.
By the time they made it up to the room, a rare tense silence between them the entire walk there, Show had convinced himself that Yixing was about to ask that they both find new roommates, or at least tell him that he wasn’t comfortable with how Show was acting and ask him to tone it down. He knew it, he knew he should have distanced himself when he’d realized, should have done anything to avoid making the situation worse, anything to avoid making Yixing uncomfortable. Yixing had agreed to room with a man ten years his senior, he didn’t need said roommate developing an uncomfortable crush on him, too.
Yixing set his hot chocolate cup gently down on his own desk, and wiggled out of his jacket before turning his chair around to face Show and sitting down. Show did the same, fidgeting nervously and almost spilling hot, barely drunk, chocolate on his hand and desk.
“I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you this,” Yixing said. “I’ve been thinking about it and Lu Han said I should stop being silly and just tell you…”
Show felt his heart sink to his stomach, which had been replaced by a ball of lead.
Yixing inhaled and exhaled deeply, obviously trying to calm himself, and Show felt horrible. He’d been the one making Yixing uncomfortable and Yixing was nervous about telling him?
“I… I have a crush on you.”
What.
“I’ve had a crush on you for a while now.”
“What?” This was the absolute last thing Show had been expecting to hear out of Yixing’s mouth.
“And I didn’t want to tell you cause we’re roommates and I don’t even know if you like boys, men, if you like men. But you’ve been so sweet to me and such a good friend and you let me cuddle up to you all the time, so I thought maybe? And I’ve been agonizing over how to tell you or if I should tell you or when I should tell you cause we’re roommates and you should know, but at the same time we’re roommates and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable if you didn’t like men…”
Show didn’t know how to process this.
“Show, please… please say something.” Yixing looked so so nervous and Show wanted to tell him if only to get him to release the wrinkles on his forehead.
“I…” Dammit. He had to tell him. Yixing deserved to know. “I have a crush on you, too.”
There. He said it.
The look on Yixing’s face was pure relief, and Show didn’t feel bad about telling him if only because he could see the worry fall right off of Yixing’s face.
They sat in silence, both processing, but now it was a comfortable silence. The silence after they’d both finally said something they’d been carrying around in their hearts for months.
After what felt like a few solid minutes, Yixing gently reached out and took Show’s hand.
“Would… would you go out with me?”
Show sighed. Dammit.
“Yixing… as much as I want to say yes, we can’t right now.”
Yixing’s face crumpled, and Show held his hand gently.
“Yixing, I’m ten years older than you. When you were starting high school I had already been on my own, dropped out of college, for four years. That is… that is a massive difference. We’re roommates, we’re friends, and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you or make you uncomfortable, but in a relationship… I don’t want to hold any kind of authority over you. I know we’re both students but I still wouldn’t feel right.”
Yixing looked sad, but he nodded. And then spoke:
“What about… what about after graduation? We’ll be two full-fledged certified wizards. Two proper adults.”
Show thought about it. On one hand, they only had about a year and a half before graduation. That was not a lot of time. On the other hand… Yixing was right, in the eyes of the public they would both be adults, and the age gap would always be there, no matter how long they waited.
Show sighed.
Yixing looked hopeful. “Okay?”
Show nodded. “Okay. If… if you still want to date after graduation, then we can date.”
Yixing’s smile was like the sun.
…
The morning of graduation was full of so much energy the air was almost humming with it. Graduating seniors didn’t have to have their dorm rooms cleared out until the next day, so they were free to be excited and have their parents fuss over them as they got ready. Show and Yixing were both grinning as Yixing’s mother fussed over him, making sure his bangs laid just right under his cap, and that his tie didn’t bunch strangely under his graduation gown. She fussed over Show, too, because she could and because Show’s parents had texted him saying that they were running late and would meet him at the ceremony.
The school was small enough that the formal hall on campus was enough to, with some magical help, seat all graduating seniors and their attending family and friends. Their professors fussed over them and shook their hands and congratulated them as they got everyone lined up by department and then in alphabetical order.
Show felt like he was dreaming as he walked into the hall, just behind Lu Han. He focused on the galaxy Lu Han had painted on his cap, and tried to breathe as his row found their seats. As they stood there, waiting for the rest of the graduating class to file in and listening to Pomp and Circumstance blaring triumphantly at them, the reality hit Show like a bucket of water.
“We’re graduating,” he murmured to Lu Han. “We’re graduating.”
Lu Han looked like he was equal parts thrilled and nauseous. “We’re graduating.”
Show had given up on ever being a part of this ceremony twelve years ago when he had dropped out after his sophomore year. Now… now it was happening.
He felt like he was floating the entire ceremony, watching everyone walk across the stage before his row was standing… and then it was his turn. He wasn’t sure if he had a dazed expression on his face or if he was smiling like an idiot as he shook the headmaster’s hand, who smiled back at him and quietly congratulated him. Everything after that passed so quickly, and before he knew it all the new graduates were filing out of the hall to the lobby in a mob, accompanied by the college fight song.
It was utter chaos out in the lobby. New graduates ran to hug their friends, knocking into or tripping over other new graduates in the process. Younger siblings ran shrieking through a sea of legs ahead of their parents to find their older sibling. Some people found their former professors to hug, or stood on tiptoes, looking for their parents.
Show was just trying to take it all in and hold his own against the constantly shifting crowd of people, when he saw Yixing coming straight for him. Yixing was smiling so brightly that Show thought the sun might actually be reflecting off of him, and Show opened his arms, assuming Yixing was going for a hug.
He didn’t. Show’s eyes widened when Yixing moved straight into the circle of Show’s arms and, instead of wrapping his own around Show, grabbed his face and pulled him in for a kiss.
His lips were warm and soft and Show’s brain short-circuited. He had thought there would be talking first, talking about what they were both doing and where their relationship was going. He was expecting to move into dating, if Yixing wanted to, slowly and carefully.
Well apparently Yixing did want to, very much, but he did not want to be any kind of slow about it.
It took Show a second, since he’d frozen from shock, but after he recovered he kissed Yixing back, and when the two of them pulled away they were both smiling.
Prompt: #6
Title: (Boy you've got me) Helpless
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Length: 6,513 words
Summary: College!au, wizard!au: Finally going back to magical college after dropping out ten years ago, Show Luo is anxious enough... even more so when he finds out that Zhang Yixing, a well-known potions prodigy child, is his roommate.
Warnings: Anxiety, age gap, Lu Han as an RA
Notes: This is my first time writing Showxing and I'm so excited! Thank you so much to the prompter, and thank you VERY much to India for convincing me to try fests in the first place and for beta-ing this for me, and thank you to Crystal for also beta-ing this! Title from my forever obsession "Hamilton."
Deep breaths; inhale deeply through your nose, breathe out through your mouth. Slower than that. Slower than that.
It was a beautiful day out; a gentle breeze cut through the heat and made the trees rustle softly, a few clouds in the sky but nothing that looked like rain. The bees buzzed lazily from flower to flower, and it was still early enough in the fall that the animals were content to be calm, running around to play or just sitting in their trees and burrows, rather than the frantic searching for food that would begin in a few weeks as the weather began to turn. In the distance, a witch was showing her young son what kind of mushrooms worked best for potion making, gently adding more into a gathering bag. Nearby, several toddlers played on the swings of a playground, close enough to hear but far enough away that their happy shrieks weren’t too jarring[a].
The absolute perfection of Show Luo’s current spot was completely and utterly lost on him. He’d taken the bus to a farther stop, hoping the walk to campus would help him to calm down. Instead he was more jittery than ever, his hair sticking up from where he’d gripped it as he ran his hands through it.
“I can do this, I can, it’ll just take longer, but I can get it done,” Show Luo muttered to himself, gripping his hair again while he ran his fingers through his hair.
Ten years. He hadn’t been in a magic school for ten years. He was attempting to calm himself with the knowledge that he’d been reviewing what he knew already, his old school notes, for the past few years when he’d been waffling about going back that year and deciding not to; he wasn’t going to be taking remedial potions classes or anything, but at the same time, techniques changed in ten years, practicing styles changed in ten years, and he hadn’t kept up with those. He hoped desperately that he wasn’t diving back into something beyond his ability to adapt to, and yet he was managing to convince himself that he was going to be a lost cause.
He had been getting by for the past few years working normal jobs, non-magical jobs, but without a non-magical education beyond the basic required schooling there was only so much he could do, even in those. Everything was so specialized now. He’d been a store clerk for the past five years, the last three of them at both a bakery and a flower shop, and while he could make enough between the two to afford the spare bedroom in the apartment above the bakery, it was never what he’d imagined doing with his life.
But now, now that he was finally going back, it didn’t seem like he was nearly as prepared as he should be.
He reached the campus sooner than he’d hoped, the closely spaced trees giving way to a manicured lawn. He’d been on campus recently, when he’d spoken with the headmaster as a second-time prospective student, so he knew where his dorms were.
Dorms. He had no idea what the headmaster had been thinking, asking someone who was going to be about ten years older, or more, than most of the students here to stay in the dorms. With a roommate.
The path continued into and through the campus, and Show walked past the lecture hall buildings, the library, the potions lab building, around the ancient weeping willow tree that supposedly the founder of the school herself had planted in the center of campus. The campus had a look to it, half modern, half stuck in a much earlier era, and Show found he liked it. Most of the buildings were old, well-maintained but clearly old, but there were a few modern buildings in between, with sleek lines and minimalist architecture. The trees were even older than the oldest of the professors, the mural on the side of an outdoor stairwell, painted with magic so that the horses drank water and occasionally ran around the painted trees with their gently creaking branches, was new. Dignified, imposing, buildings had neon colored flyers for clubs and intramural tournaments plastered like siding all around every doorway. Old and new, blended together in that special way that only college campuses could really pull off.
The grassy area outside the dorm buildings was packed with people. Parents crying while trying to hold onto their children for as long as they still could, little kids chasing a stuffed toy of a lion, which some parent had charmed to run around and roar. Older students seeing each other and screeching as they ran to each other. Students of all ages panicking about forgetting one thing or another.
Show weaved his way through the throng of people to his dorm building, Griffin. Co-ed building, but each floor was separate. Show still had no idea what the headmaster was thinking; he hoped his roommate had very understanding parents or at least parents who didn’t ask questions.
The inside of Griffin was not much better than the outside. It was packed with parents and students and siblings, maintenance replacing furniture trying to weave through everyone with their sets of tools, both magical and non.
There was a girl at the front counter when he approached it.
“Hello,” he said when he reached it. “I’m checking in, Show Luo?”
“Show Luo…” she scrolled through several pieces of paper. “Ah, gotcha! You’re on floor three, room 387, and your roommate is… oh!”
There was a touch of excitement on her face and that made Show more nervous than he already was.
“Your roommate is Yixing! Zhang Yixing.”
The butterflies in his stomach suddenly felt like bowling balls. Show hadn’t been keeping up with the latest goings-on in the magical world, but even he knew who Zhang Yixing was. His mother was a witch living in a town a few hours away from the campus, his father wasn’t magical, save for his personal knowledge of how to make potions, although there were rumors flying around that Mr. Zhang could not possibly be Yixing’s real father; the kid was far too gifted with magic.
Apparently Yixing had been helping his mother with potions since he was seven, filling her requests from her neighbors, and even people across town who came for her help, while she worked on spells. He was studying advanced potion theory when he was twelve, and started spell work shortly after. He’d already been accepted into probably literally every magical graduate school program in the country, although Show wasn’t completely sure about that one since he’d seen it in a gossip newsletter a customer of the bakery had left behind, but honestly, with how talented the kid was supposed to be, Show wouldn’t be surprised if it was truth.
And he was his roommate. Show was already anxious enough about rooming with a kid, but knowing that his roommate was Zhang Yixing? What the hell was the headmaster thinking?! Putting the prodigy child with the old man who hadn’t studied magic for ten years, yes, that was the recipe for an excellent roommate situation.
The voice of the resident assistant snapped him out of his thoughts:
“Here, I’ll show you to your room!”
“Oh, don’t worry about me,” Show Luo tried to wave her off. “It’s pretty busy today and I can find it on my own.”
“No, really! I insist; it won’t be any trouble at all!” The girl just smiled, and grabbed a passing co-worker to take over for her.
He just followed behind her as she led him, very unnecessarily, to the elevators. Which were about twenty feet away. The way she’d lit up when she saw Zhang’s name told him all he needed to know, and he wasn’t going to get in the way of a college crush.
He followed behind her once the elevator reached the third floor, and together they weaved through the mass of excited students and nervous parents, all trying to get stuff moved into the rooms. There were a couple of frat boys (or at least if they weren’t frat boys then they were very good actors) already yelling about a party, and someone had already knocked half the resident assistant’s bulletin board decorations off.
A few doors past the community bathroom, the girl stopped. Room 387. There were two little door decorations: one a rabbit with frightening googly eyes, and the other a hat. Show’s name was printed with surprisingly neat penmanship on the rabbit, and Zhang’s name on the band of the hat.
The girl knocked, and a few seconds later the door opened.
The kid on the other side of the door was, well, a kid. Show hadn’t felt the oh-golly-I’m-ten-years-older-than-this-CHILD-I’m-rooming-with quite as strongly as he did in that moment.
The kid seemed to realize who he was as soon as he saw him, though, since before he even said anything his eyes turned into little crescent moons in the cutest eye smile Show had ever seen, and dimples came in at the corners of the kid’s mouth.
“Hi!” He held out his hand. “I’m Zhang Yixing.”
“Show Luo,” he returned as he shook Yixing’s hand.
“Well,” the resident assistant cut in, “I’ll leave you to it- oh! I forgot your key!”
Show had a feeling she hadn’t “forgotten” it at all.
Show wasn’t sure what he had expected from Zhang Yixing, but he was pretty sure the actual Yixing (as he’d asked Show to call him within about fifteen minutes) was far from it. Yixing helped him find the numbers on all of his furniture to write down for the “room condition” sheet, crawling around on the floor to find where the number on the lower footboard was. He helped Show move the furniture around (well, at least, in the very limited way they could with a room as small as theirs was) and thanked Show very enthusiastically when he helped Yixing loft his bed enough to shove his dresser under it.
Show had just finished helping Yixing wrestle a tightly folded fitted sheet onto Yixing’s mattress when they got another knock on the door.
This time instead of the girl resident assistant from before, it was a kid with a could-be-fifteen-could-be-twenty kind of face, and sunglasses on his head keeping his bangs out of his eyes.
“Yo,” was all he said with a wink that Show wasn’t sure if it was supposed to goofy or genuinely charming.
“Hey, man,” Yixing smiled. “Show, this is Lu Han, our resident assistant.”
“And his best friend,” Lu Han cut in.
“And my best friend,” Yixing nodded. “Lu Han, this is Show Luo.”
They shook hands, and Lu Han nodded.
“Glad you’re here,” he said. “I was just coming by to drop off this,”
He reached around to the back of their door, the side that faced inside the dorm room, and slapped a piece of paper with tape on it at about eye level.
“That’s my room number, phone number, and the time and place of the mandatory hall meeting.” Lu Han said, and readied another piece of paper and tape, and slapped it on below the first one. “And this is the time and place for my program. It’s not mandatory but if you don’t come I’ll put newt eyes in your socks, so…”
Yixing rolled his eyes. “We’re coming, we’re coming.”
“Good,” Lu Han smiled. “See you.”
And with that, he was gone.
“That’s Lu Han,” Yixing told him once he’d closed the door again. “He’s a senior this year and he’s tired of me being the only one to show up to his programs.”
Show nodded, “speaking of which…”
“I’m a junior,” Yixing smiled. “The headmaster told me you’re a junior too.”
“About that…” Show started. “This isn’t too weird, is it? I’m like ten years older than you and I know it’s probably pretty weird rooming with me. The Headmaster told me you’d agreed to it but if I’m keeping you from rooming with a friend…”
“Oh I’m fine!” Yixing said with a smile. “All my friends are either resident assistants or are attached at the hip so I was going to be rooming away from them anyway.”
“And the age thing…”
“Totally fine,” Yixing laughed.
Show was still a little anxious about it, but since Yixing was obviously completely at ease, he could feel the anxiety slipping away just a bit.
The campus “welcome week” was a sort of lazy blend of starting up classes and stupid amounts of partying. Of course there were the frat house and sorority parties (which Show had absolutely zero desire to go to and apparently neither did Yixing) but there were also the official campus events, which Yixing did want to go to, and dragged Show along with him.
He knew that Yixing was just trying to include him and make him feel wanted but he’d never felt so much like an old man than when Yixing was pulling him along through the “casino night” which was the name for the event of party games (bingo, ring toss, some game that reminded Show of beer pong but it was one-sided and, of course, minus the beer) that the student government had put together. There were shirts and everything. In second place for the “you’re too old for this” contest was when Yixing took him to Student Organizations Night, where everyone signed up for clubs. There were some students around Show’s age, graduate school students, and even then he was on the upper end of the spectrum. He begged off signing up for anything, telling Yixing that he wanted to focus on getting his feet under him as far as school went.
As far as classes went, it was a fairly even mix. He’d gotten a lot of the required courses out of the way when he’d started college, but now the requirements had changed, so he had one more mandatory magical history to do, along with Spellwork Theory, Potions III (and the accompanying lab) Ancient Texts, and Practical Spells. He felt confident enough with Magical History and Ancient Texts, since those were both strictly lecture and reading and any change in information would be minimal. The reading for Ancient Texts was a bit heavy, but nothing he couldn’t get done if he spent a Sunday in the library. Spellwork Theory was a little intimidating, but ultimately didn’t seem too bad: it sounded like the worst part of it would be their tests, and the material would help him in Practical Spells. Practical Spells and Potions III terrified him: there was the potions lecture, which he was sort of okay with, but then a lab, and Practical Spells was a lab class, although it counted for three credit hours. All applied w
ork and Show was terrified he’d either make a fool of himself, kill someone, or both.
Yixing was in two of his classes, Spellwork Theory, and Practical Spells. Show couldn’t decide if he was thrilled or mortified. On one hand, Yixing would know what he was dealing with, and on the other hand, Yixing would see him screw up horribly.
Still, it was hard to feel too awkward about it when Yixing was so happy. Only a few weeks into class and Yixing had already made a habit out of walking with him to Spellwork Theory (every Tuesday and Thursday mid-morning) sitting next to him, walking with him to the dining hall after and getting him to sit down with Yixing’s group of friends, and then dragging him (sometimes nearly literally, depending how the day was going) to Practical Spells. Yixing even wanted to share a lab table with him for Practical Spells and Show was a more than a little surprised.
But he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth; he needed as much help as he could get. Potions III was getting easier, even the lab, as he got back into the swing of things (the art of potion making had not changed all that much) but Practical Spells was going to be the death of him. When he had started college, and he had done quite a few practical spell classes, mostly household spells but there was some defense work in there as well, everything had been very stationary. He’d combined the ingredients, said the proper incantation, and the spell was ready to be blown off the spell paper and activate whenever, no matter the user.
Now, though, now spellwork was all about movement. Yixing was amazing, Show could watch him all day, pouring just a couple pinches into his hands and letting it fly as he made magic flow out of him and into the ingredients through dance. He was so joyful in his movements, Show couldn’t help but be in awe.
These kids, they’d learned this kind of magic, magic through movement, when they were impressionable, some had probably grown up knowing that magic wasn’t static, but that the life of it was born through dance and grace. Show could learn the steps, but his spellwork was flat. He could do the dance, but he couldn’t feel the magic flowing out of him like it did with Yixing. Show had learned spellwork as a static thing, something that anyone could ultimately use, but the witch or wizard had to put their magic into it, bring it to life in a gentler way.
At least potions wasn’t the terror he’d imagined it would be. Now if only spellwork wasn’t ten times as worse as he’d dreaded.
Show had made a habit of studying in the dorm room while Yixing was out for his Monday and Wednesday “Advanced Defense Potions” and he could usually get to a point with his Practical Spells coursework that he didn’t look quite as stressed when Yixing came in.
But Yixing caught him mid-mild-panic about two weeks before midterms when his Monday class was cancelled and he came back within about twenty minutes after he left. Show had been trying to get some reading done, but as soon as the spellwork reading started getting technical, Show always, without fail, started to panic as his brain decided that checking out and thinking about failure was a better option than reading for class.
Show was gripping his hair hard enough to pull a few strands out and staring at his textbook, trying desperately to focus, when he heard the door open and close again.
“Hi! Class got cancelled and… are you okay?” Yixing stopped with his book bag half off his shoulder.
Show couldn’t speak, he kept trying to get his mouth to form words and his vocal cords to actually work but all that came out were the starts of words.
Yixing quietly took his bookbag off his shoulder the rest of the way, set it down gently, and walked over to Show’s desk to see what he was reading. His expression changed, although Show couldn’t articulate what the new expression was, something between understanding and sadness, and he gently reached over and closed the textbook. He pulled his own desk chair over and sat next to Show, reaching for his hands and holding them slowly enough that Show would have had plenty of time to pull away or tell him no if he didn’t want to be touched.
“Talk to me,” Yixing’s voice was gentle.
Show couldn’t lie to Yixing. The kid was too perceptive, and Show didn’t think he had the mental energy to brush everything off and come up with anything convincing. So he told him. Show started from the beginning, from his worries about going back to school in the first place, and then got to how Practical Spells was pretty much every one of those worries coming to pass. Spellwork had changed so much since he’d been in school, and even though it wasn’t his major he still needed the class to graduate. Spellwork knowledge and application was essential, no matter the specialization of a witch or wizard. If he couldn’t pass this class, did that mean coming back to school was a mistake? He couldn’t work with magic through movement, couldn’t perform spells in this way that was exclusive to wizards and witches only. He’d learned spellwork as being a lot like potions, where anyone could use them as long as the witch or wizard made them, and while he hadn’t thought it would necessarily stay the exact same, he didn’t
expect it would change this much in ten years and he felt more than a little foolish for not keeping up with magic practices.
Yixing took a minute to respond, gently rubbing his thumb over the back of Show’s hands to let him know he was thinking about what to say. Show had known Yixing long enough that he would have known that’s what he was doing without the reminder, but in his anxious state he appreciated it.
“I think you’re amazing,” Yixing told him softly. “Having all of that hanging over you and coming back in spite of it… that’s amazing.”
He continued: “I haven’t had to deal with something like that, and, at least in a school setting I don’t think I ever will, but I get it. My mom does static spellwork, too, and she told me there’s no way she could ever channel her magic through movement, through dance, like I do. You’re not alone in having trouble with moving spellwork.”
Show knew Yixing meant it to be comforting, and it was. A witch like Yixing’s mother also did static spells… exclusively static spells. Moving spellwork was a new thing for the entire magical community.
“I think,” Yixing continued, “that if you ask the professor if you can meet with her, if you explain to her why you’re having trouble with moving spellwork, that she’ll work something out with you. I don’t know if that will be tutoring, or even just letting you do the coursework in your own way, but I know she’ll work something out with you.”
“Okay,” Show nodded. “Thank you.”
Even though the matter wasn’t settled yet, Show already did feel better with the reassurance. Enough that he let Yixing pull him along to lunch with his friends when the time was right, and pretty soon he was laughing along with the rest of them.
Show emailed his professor about needing to meet with her soon, and to his relief she was available for office hours the next day. His palms were sweating as he spoke to her, and he had to grip his jeans to keep from rubbing his hands on his thighs nervously, but she was very understanding. He had official professor permission to complete the coursework in his own, static, way.
And the next Practical Spells class went wonderfully. Not only did, for once, his spell work correctly, but the entire class was a little in awe that he could do it without movement. Just as he could barely grasp putting his magic into movement, the other students couldn’t imagine not moving, having to channel their magic as they stood still.
And the best part of all, Yixing had smiled the entire time, looking both gleeful and proud of what Show was capable of.
Midterms passed, they both did well, and Show felt like he could breathe again. Now that he wasn’t constantly anxious about classes, he was much more eager to hang out with Yixing. He was more talkative around Yixing’s friends, and even though he would still get anxious it was easier for him to slip back into his personality.
Show still spent quite a bit of time studying, but he was much more flexible with his schedule. He couldn’t resist Yixing’s beaming smile when Show agreed to go to a club event, or university movie night. Yixing would wrap one or both of his arms around one of Show’s arms, and would walk like that the whole way to wherever they were going.
He sat close, too. He’d always done this, but now there was just something… more, something that Show couldn’t articulate to it. They went to Lu Han’s programs and Yixing would practically be in his lap as they did whatever Lu Han had come up with. The freshman and sophomores looked at them with surprise, but the juniors who knew Yixing knew that was how he was, and Lu Han threw Show a saucy wink that made him blush before he could think about why.
They did things with Yixing’s friends, but they did plenty on their own, too, both in and out of the dorm. Fridays became “go into town and get dinner” nights, and sometimes dinner and a movie. Show would tell stories, silly things that had happened during his ten years as an odd jobs man, during dinner and Yixing would end up laughing at most of them. Yixing would talk about his mother and father and how life was at home and Show couldn’t stop staring at his happy little smile. During the movie Yixing would cuddle up to him, and Show would lean his direction a bit so Yixing didn’t have to bend his neck as far, and at least half the time, Yixing ended up falling asleep with his head on Show’s shoulder during the bus ride back to campus.
It was on one of those Friday’s, as Show was helping Yixing into bed since he was still too sleepy to remember to take his shoes off, that he realized what was going on.
He had a crush on Zhang Yixing.
The thought was immediately replaced by I have a crush on a kid who’s ten years younger than me.
And then he panicked. Not in an out loud, audible way, Yixing was asleep and Show didn’t want to wake him up, but he was trembling as he changed out of his jeans and into sleep clothes, and the only thing going through his mind was the gut-punching feeling of fear and shit, shit, what am I going to do? What am I doing? How in the world did this happen? Shit!
He laid awake, staring up at the cobweb on the ceiling blowing gently in the air current from the air conditioning vent, until the wee hours of the morning.
When he woke up, obscenely late if he was going by his usual time, he knew exactly what he was going to do.
He was going to ignore it.
Show had pushed through going back to college with anxiety, he could finish college with an unrequited crush.
Things stayed the same between the two of them. Yixing took him to club events and claimed the seat next to him in Spellwork Theory and stayed his lab partner in Practical Spells. They studied together for Spellwork Theory, Show at his desk while Yixing spread his book and papers out on Show’s bed and asked him question after question about static spell making. Show got to watch Yixing be absolutely brilliant in spellwork from up close and he could see Yixing smiling at him the entire time he worked on his own spells.
They continued their Friday tradition, although dinner became street food and a movie became a walk around the downtown area since neither of them were made of money. Lu Han always teased them, telling them to enjoy their date when he saw them leaving. It had stopped making Show blush every time by about the fifth week of hearing it, and Yixing still had not corrected Lu Han. Show didn’t care, not when Yixing just clung to his arm and called over his shoulder to Lu Han in a sing-song tone:
“Don’t wait up for us!”
Show was aware that he was falling hard, but he couldn’t find it in him to back off. Not when Yixing was happily attached to his hip both in public and in private. They did laundry together at three in the morning on Sundays since they had the laundry room to themselves, and Show realized that Yixing borrowed half of his things when he was folding both of their laundry piles once they were out of the dryer, telling Yixing:
“You have to fold the clothes while they’re warm so they don’t wrinkle before you put them away… and don’t tell me that you’ll put them away when you get back up to the room, I know you won’t.”
And since Show folded all of Yixing’s laundry too, Yixing did not complain, just plastered himself to Show’s back when he started getting sleepy and yawning.
Sunday night walks in the woodsy area of campus, Yixing cuddling up to Show when they sat on his bed to watch a movie, and Yixing falling asleep on Show’s bed when they’d been studying late at night… Show knew his heart was going to hurt later but he didn’t want to push Yixing away, he liked this too much.
But at the same time he knew he could never tell Yixing. Sure, Yixing didn’t act like his with any of his other friends, but he also wasn’t roommates with any of his other friends. Some hopeful little voice in his brain said that maybe, just maybe, Yixing liked him back, but Show firmly pushed it away. A ten year age gap. Ten years. Show shouldn’t even be entertaining the idea.
When studying got easier for him and the weather got colder, Show made a habit of waiting for Yixing outside of the lab building with two cups of hot chocolate in hand when Yixing finished up with his Advanced Defense Potions class. The late morning walk did him some good and he adored the delighted smile Yixing always had on his face whenever he spotted Show waiting by the tree just outside the building.
It was late November, just about to turn into Finals Study Hell season when, for the first time, Yixing looked uncharacteristically nervous as he greeted Show after Advanced Defense Potions.
“Thank you,” Yixing smiled at him as he took the hot chocolate, but even the smile looked nervous, and it immediately put Show on edge.
“Can…” Yixing started, swallowed, and then started again. “Can we go straight back to the room? I need to tell you something.”
Show nodded, but inwardly he was panicking. Shit, oh shit, he’d gone too far, hadn’t he? He’d gone too far and made Yixing uncomfortable. He couldn’t figure out what he’d done differently recently than he’d done over the course of the semester, but maybe Yixing had been hoping he’d realize and stop on his own? Or maybe Lu Han had told him. Show had never told Lu Han anything about his crush, which he was trying to deny, on Yixing but Lu Han was perceptive, and Yixing was too. He must have figured it out somehow and was uncomfortable with it.
By the time they made it up to the room, a rare tense silence between them the entire walk there, Show had convinced himself that Yixing was about to ask that they both find new roommates, or at least tell him that he wasn’t comfortable with how Show was acting and ask him to tone it down. He knew it, he knew he should have distanced himself when he’d realized, should have done anything to avoid making the situation worse, anything to avoid making Yixing uncomfortable. Yixing had agreed to room with a man ten years his senior, he didn’t need said roommate developing an uncomfortable crush on him, too.
Yixing set his hot chocolate cup gently down on his own desk, and wiggled out of his jacket before turning his chair around to face Show and sitting down. Show did the same, fidgeting nervously and almost spilling hot, barely drunk, chocolate on his hand and desk.
“I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you this,” Yixing said. “I’ve been thinking about it and Lu Han said I should stop being silly and just tell you…”
Show felt his heart sink to his stomach, which had been replaced by a ball of lead.
Yixing inhaled and exhaled deeply, obviously trying to calm himself, and Show felt horrible. He’d been the one making Yixing uncomfortable and Yixing was nervous about telling him?
“I… I have a crush on you.”
What.
“I’ve had a crush on you for a while now.”
“What?” This was the absolute last thing Show had been expecting to hear out of Yixing’s mouth.
“And I didn’t want to tell you cause we’re roommates and I don’t even know if you like boys, men, if you like men. But you’ve been so sweet to me and such a good friend and you let me cuddle up to you all the time, so I thought maybe? And I’ve been agonizing over how to tell you or if I should tell you or when I should tell you cause we’re roommates and you should know, but at the same time we’re roommates and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable if you didn’t like men…”
Show didn’t know how to process this.
“Show, please… please say something.” Yixing looked so so nervous and Show wanted to tell him if only to get him to release the wrinkles on his forehead.
“I…” Dammit. He had to tell him. Yixing deserved to know. “I have a crush on you, too.”
There. He said it.
The look on Yixing’s face was pure relief, and Show didn’t feel bad about telling him if only because he could see the worry fall right off of Yixing’s face.
They sat in silence, both processing, but now it was a comfortable silence. The silence after they’d both finally said something they’d been carrying around in their hearts for months.
After what felt like a few solid minutes, Yixing gently reached out and took Show’s hand.
“Would… would you go out with me?”
Show sighed. Dammit.
“Yixing… as much as I want to say yes, we can’t right now.”
Yixing’s face crumpled, and Show held his hand gently.
“Yixing, I’m ten years older than you. When you were starting high school I had already been on my own, dropped out of college, for four years. That is… that is a massive difference. We’re roommates, we’re friends, and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you or make you uncomfortable, but in a relationship… I don’t want to hold any kind of authority over you. I know we’re both students but I still wouldn’t feel right.”
Yixing looked sad, but he nodded. And then spoke:
“What about… what about after graduation? We’ll be two full-fledged certified wizards. Two proper adults.”
Show thought about it. On one hand, they only had about a year and a half before graduation. That was not a lot of time. On the other hand… Yixing was right, in the eyes of the public they would both be adults, and the age gap would always be there, no matter how long they waited.
Show sighed.
Yixing looked hopeful. “Okay?”
Show nodded. “Okay. If… if you still want to date after graduation, then we can date.”
Yixing’s smile was like the sun.
…
The morning of graduation was full of so much energy the air was almost humming with it. Graduating seniors didn’t have to have their dorm rooms cleared out until the next day, so they were free to be excited and have their parents fuss over them as they got ready. Show and Yixing were both grinning as Yixing’s mother fussed over him, making sure his bangs laid just right under his cap, and that his tie didn’t bunch strangely under his graduation gown. She fussed over Show, too, because she could and because Show’s parents had texted him saying that they were running late and would meet him at the ceremony.
The school was small enough that the formal hall on campus was enough to, with some magical help, seat all graduating seniors and their attending family and friends. Their professors fussed over them and shook their hands and congratulated them as they got everyone lined up by department and then in alphabetical order.
Show felt like he was dreaming as he walked into the hall, just behind Lu Han. He focused on the galaxy Lu Han had painted on his cap, and tried to breathe as his row found their seats. As they stood there, waiting for the rest of the graduating class to file in and listening to Pomp and Circumstance blaring triumphantly at them, the reality hit Show like a bucket of water.
“We’re graduating,” he murmured to Lu Han. “We’re graduating.”
Lu Han looked like he was equal parts thrilled and nauseous. “We’re graduating.”
Show had given up on ever being a part of this ceremony twelve years ago when he had dropped out after his sophomore year. Now… now it was happening.
He felt like he was floating the entire ceremony, watching everyone walk across the stage before his row was standing… and then it was his turn. He wasn’t sure if he had a dazed expression on his face or if he was smiling like an idiot as he shook the headmaster’s hand, who smiled back at him and quietly congratulated him. Everything after that passed so quickly, and before he knew it all the new graduates were filing out of the hall to the lobby in a mob, accompanied by the college fight song.
It was utter chaos out in the lobby. New graduates ran to hug their friends, knocking into or tripping over other new graduates in the process. Younger siblings ran shrieking through a sea of legs ahead of their parents to find their older sibling. Some people found their former professors to hug, or stood on tiptoes, looking for their parents.
Show was just trying to take it all in and hold his own against the constantly shifting crowd of people, when he saw Yixing coming straight for him. Yixing was smiling so brightly that Show thought the sun might actually be reflecting off of him, and Show opened his arms, assuming Yixing was going for a hug.
He didn’t. Show’s eyes widened when Yixing moved straight into the circle of Show’s arms and, instead of wrapping his own around Show, grabbed his face and pulled him in for a kiss.
His lips were warm and soft and Show’s brain short-circuited. He had thought there would be talking first, talking about what they were both doing and where their relationship was going. He was expecting to move into dating, if Yixing wanted to, slowly and carefully.
Well apparently Yixing did want to, very much, but he did not want to be any kind of slow about it.
It took Show a second, since he’d frozen from shock, but after he recovered he kissed Yixing back, and when the two of them pulled away they were both smiling.