» you were my everything
You Were My Everything
Kris/Tao
2480 words; PG-13
You were my everything, so why couldn't I be yours?
based off all the drama going on right now. idkidkidk i guess you can call this my own interpretation of the situation solely based on what's official and not the crazy rumors and assumptions floating about, even though i wish with all my heart that this is not the case ;w; this entire thing hurts me and it's been on my mind since i've heard about it and reading tao's weibo posts is like cyanide so i guess this is how i cope uGH also warning this is written in lapslock bc i'm lazy and it was the only way to get the writing flowing
kris is exhausted, fatigue flowing slowly through his veins. at this point, he’s got so much to worry about that his mind has reduced itself to a simple, blank void. phonecalls had been made, forms and pens pressed into his hands, and the internet thrummed with activity. he’s seen it all, heard it all. kris doesn’t care so much now that everything’s out. he’s just exhausted.
it was difficult enough to pull some strings to get back into korea, but touching down at 3am in the pristine airport with little to no people hanging about contrary to than what he’s used to, kris finds a wave of anxiety and nausea hitting him. he’s not used to having to do everything under a coat of secrecy. he’s not used to having to lie and sneak about. it all came with a cause, or so he told himself. soon, he’ll find his peace, even if it means going through war.
no contact is to be made, his lawyer had said at the chinese office before kris left. there were guidelines to be followed under the guise of a lawsuit and it was expected that kris followed them. he’d been following them obediently, even if it meant the birth of various rumors spawning on the internet, the degradation of his status, and the betrayal of what once were his fans. kris was determined to make no contact with the offending party, but recent developments called for kris to go to korea briefly to collect some possessions and evidence that would play nicely into the lawsuit. so here he found himself on the soil of both good and bad memories, standing in the open as though the earth would swallow him whole.
kris calls for a taxi at the exit, the air stagnant but chilly. he gives directions to the sm building, thankful that the driver silently acquiesces and drives without question. the memories seem so vivid but distant -- it was only weeks before that he was with the other members, muscles aching and soul weary, packed in a van and waiting to pile out before storming into the main building for yet another vigorous session of practice. the building was a symbol of work, of the power he could not fathom in the wake of his foreign status. if it wasn’t already daunting enough to go there, it was most definitely now.
as the taxi approaches the building, already late and void of any lingering sasaengs, kris runs through a mental checklist. get in the building, don’t let anyone know you’re here, grab what you need, and go. it seemed easy enough. yet, actually standing in front of the establishment of what may be his demise has kris reduced to a bundle of nerves. deep breaths, he tells himself. it’ll only be a moment.
he punches in the keycode to get in and is met with an empty lobby. seeing as how it’s nearing 4am, he’s not entirely surprised; rather, he’s grateful for his timing and its convenience for his needs. kris gathers himself, returning back to the mental checklist, and eventually remembers that he’d left some things in the practice room. every step towards the room sends a fragment of memories his way and it takes every fiber within him to quell each one, all of it reminiscent of bright blue skies dotted with clouds.
when kris finally reaches the practice room designated for the members and staff of exo, he enters it without much thought. he’s not at all prepared for the barrage of emotions that come with the sight before him.
despite the late hour when most have long retired for the night, there is still one who refused to succumb to twilight. tao is on the floor, skin layered with sweat, panting heavily. music from the speakers echo throughout the practice room. the younger isn’t even aware that someone has entered the practice room until tao looks around tiredly, expression almost baffled when his eyes lock with kris’s.
the first thing kris wants to do is to chastise tao for being up so late. you always work so hard. don’t break yourself trying to be perfect. he wants to ask tao if he’s feeling okay, if he’s tired, if he needs to do anything for tao, because that’s just how it’s always been. he wants to take tao back and lay him to sleep, like he’s done in the past. the instinctual need to take care of tao when he’s at his most vulnerable was as strong as ever, but the words die in his throat before he even has the chance to speak when he sees anger flare in tao’s eyes, hurt outlining the straight line of tao’s lips.
kris feels paralyzed, left to simply watch tao pick himself up, wobbling a little, before stalking over with his eyes narrowed.
“how could you,” tao nearly spits, and kris has half a mind to believe tao is going to punch him. when tao raises both arms, it’s not to punch the elder, but to shove him square in the chest. kris’s back collides with the surface of the door, and it doesn’t hurt, not really. the pain blossoming in the cavity of his heart is the only thing that could make him ache. tao’s hands move to deathgrip the lapels of kris’s coat, fingers unrelenting. “how could you come back after everything you’ve put us through, put me through?”
kris tries to swallow the lump in his throat, but it doesn’t budge. “wait, zitao,” he tries.
tao’s nostrils flare at the mention of his birthname, once soothing when rolled off the elder’s tongue and laced with affection, and angry tears bud at the corner of his eyes when he shoves kris into the door again. his voice is so raw with emotion when he shouts, “ge, how could you?”
“i had to!” kris shouts back, frustrated. strong hands come to grab tao’s wrist, urging to relent. tao relaxes a bit but the steel gaze he dons makes it feel all the same. “i am breaking on the inside, zitao. don’t you see that? i can’t live like this much longer. i had to.”
tao’s expression is still that of molten anger and heated betrayal, but the tears that cascade down his cheeks betray him. he steps back, giving kris a little more room. “we’re all suffering too,” zitao says, voice suddenly weak and vastly different than before. “all twelve of us, we’re brothers, aren’t we? i would’ve helped you, they would’ve too.”
the embers of despair that burn low in kris’s throat suffocate him, and just hearing tao’s voice again makes him weak. despite the mental checklist he’d made earlier sitting in the back of his mind and the lawsuit with it, he can feel his resolve cracking.
kris holds up a hand to wipe away a stray tear on tao’s cheek. he’s never liked it when the younger cries. a smile suited tao much better. “you were always stronger than me,” kris replies, and he means it. even though tao has always come to him for advice, for guidance, he’d always been stronger. sometimes, it was just hard for the younger to see.
tao’s face is like an open book. it’s not like he means to; if anything, it added to tao’s expressive personality. kris’s words has tao feeling nauseous with sorrow, eyebrows upturned and eyes watery, before his face washes over with yet another wave of fury. he slaps kris’s hand away before crossing his arms, shutting himself away. kris tries to pretend that the action didn’t splinter his heart even further.
“and now what?” tao says with a start, bitter. “jongin is in the hospital, chanyeol is sick, joonmyun had a fucking breakdown after practice -- all of this plus the mess you started. for even one second, did you even think about us?”
kris clenches his jaw, finally feeling the spark of aggravation. he loves tao, truly and honestly, but given these circumstances, he wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him to make him understand.
“are you even listening to yourself?” kris asks, incredulously. “did you even listen to what i had to say? how selfish can you be!”
tao scoffs, a laugh almost escaping his parted mouth. “me? selfish? you’re the selfish one here!” and suddenly tao is back in kris’s personal space, looking up defiantly into the elder’s eyes with challenge. “you’re our duizhang. what happened to ‘we are one’, huh? what happened to ‘let’s love, exo’? we haven’t even reached our primes yet, and you’re just going to run away?”
that hits a nerve. this time, kris is the one to shove tao away, sending the younger back with a few steps, with a scowl on his face. underneath the hurt and outrage kris feels, he’s just so tired. so very tired.
“you know something?” his voice cracks, and kris internally curses. “i’ve seen things on the internet, okay. i’ve seen both the support and the hatred. maybe i can understand if the other members don’t like me anymore for what i’ve done. but at the very least, if you truly cared about me, you would’ve shown me some support.”
tao is back on him again, hands creasing the lapels of his coat. he’s breathing heavily, first in anger, then in misery. there’s a new wave of tears falling down his face, and it takes everything kris has to not wound his arms around the younger and pull him into his embrace. just like the old days.
tao has to swallow a sob before saying, “show you support? ge, you hurt me. it was a mistake to fall for you if i knew you were just going to up and leave.”
“zitao, you know that’s not true.”
“what is anymore!” zitao shouts before letting go. he has to pause to wipe away the mess on his face, letting a few sobs escape. he looks up at kris with such hurt in his eyes, lips quivering, it makes kris believe that nothing will ever be okay, that everything he’s done up to this point has come to a standstill. “these past five years, did they mean nothing to you?”
kris has to close his eyes when the pang of guilt comes barreling through him. he wished tao didn’t play the past card. it was probably one of the few things that lingered in his mind when it came to the lawsuit. not so much in the fact of all the time he’s spent in training and suffering to just throw it all away, but because of tao. there’s so much memories unspoken of but clearly remembered when it comes to just those two. their first meeting, their first outing with the rest of the members, the late night sessions spent practicing rhythm and rap -- the list could go on forever. kris remembers it all even though tao teases that he can’t even remember his favorite flavor of bubble tea. the memories start to glitch in his mind, fragments and sharp edges of it scraping against his mind as though reliving it all. he remembers lazy afternoons after practice when it was just the two of them lounging on a bench, feet hanging off the edge because they were both too long and lanky. kris would be toying with a basketball, possibly thinking about going to the court later, while tao just simply indulged in the moment. their heads were but centimeters apart so that when either one of them turned their heads, time would slow down and stop for a while.
he remembers when they both first kissed. it was so unexpected and neither of them really saw it coming. kris had always cared for tao in an adorable younger brother sort of way, but when tao shyly leaned up that one night in the practice room as a young trainee and kissed him, kris knew then that his tao was growing up. he was growing up to be a man, no longer a boy, and that’s when kris kissed back and with fervor too. they didn’t know they both needed it, but when they did -- well, the rest was history.
that particular memory keeps re-running in his mind, and it’s the only thing he can think about amongst the chaos he finds himself in. kris takes a step forward, and surprisingly enough, tao doesn’t back off.
“they meant everything to me,” kris mutters before he softly grabs the sides of tao’s face, guiding so that their lips meet. he tastes an elixir of despair and sorrow on the skin of tao’s lips. tao elicits the most heartbreaking whimper, parting his mouth as fresh tears cascade down, down, down. in turn, tao can taste the flames of burden that lingered in kris’s throat, and perhaps a dollop of hope somewhere in the fray.
but tao comes to his senses. he lets kris swallow a woeful sob before he shoves the elder away, wiping a hand against his lips where nothing but a ghostly kiss remains.
“i am a fool,” tao hisses, mostly to himself. “how many times, i wonder, must i watch you go to realize that maybe we weren’t meant to be.”
kris blinks back tears, remembering the time during the period between their mama promotions and wolf promotions when he just needed a break, leaving the members without much word. he knew tao suffered then, but --
“i always come back.”
“yet you hurt me every time. whenever i begin to trust you again, you always manage to break it. now you’ve broken everyone’s trust too,” tao’s shaking his head, solemnly. “i don’t know if i can believe in you anymore.”
kris sucks in a ragged breath. the dagger has been stabbed, and everything just feels so wrong. he doesn’t let his mind comprehend that it’s over, that there was probably no chance of fixing whatever’s left between him and his beloved tao, that even though his mind is blank, his heart is bleeding a mess inside himself, wrecking him inside out. his brain only supplies the mental checklist: get in the building, don’t let anyone know you’re here, grab what you need, and go. he’s already failed one, so he might as well finish the last two while he’s still (somewhat) emotionally stable. kris spots his practice bag in the corner of the room. he retrieves it in silence, ignoring the set of eyes watching him, before heading towards the door.
he throws a quick glance behind his shoulder, taking in tao’s shaking form, and leaves for what may be the last time.
even with his heavy heart, even as the tears fall and sobs wreck him, even as tao’s distant, wailing screams of frustration haunt him, kris is so tired. so very tired.
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❖ ugh idk i'll edit this later when i'm not sad by what i just wrote ;; even though i will forever and always continue to ship taoris, i'm not sure if i can continue writing them. consider this my closing piece for now.
❖ i need fandom hugs and comfort ;___;
❖ Comments are much appreciated.
Kris/Tao
2480 words; PG-13
You were my everything, so why couldn't I be yours?
based off all the drama going on right now. idkidkidk i guess you can call this my own interpretation of the situation solely based on what's official and not the crazy rumors and assumptions floating about, even though i wish with all my heart that this is not the case ;w; this entire thing hurts me and it's been on my mind since i've heard about it and reading tao's weibo posts is like cyanide so i guess this is how i cope uGH also warning this is written in lapslock bc i'm lazy and it was the only way to get the writing flowing
kris is exhausted, fatigue flowing slowly through his veins. at this point, he’s got so much to worry about that his mind has reduced itself to a simple, blank void. phonecalls had been made, forms and pens pressed into his hands, and the internet thrummed with activity. he’s seen it all, heard it all. kris doesn’t care so much now that everything’s out. he’s just exhausted.
it was difficult enough to pull some strings to get back into korea, but touching down at 3am in the pristine airport with little to no people hanging about contrary to than what he’s used to, kris finds a wave of anxiety and nausea hitting him. he’s not used to having to do everything under a coat of secrecy. he’s not used to having to lie and sneak about. it all came with a cause, or so he told himself. soon, he’ll find his peace, even if it means going through war.
no contact is to be made, his lawyer had said at the chinese office before kris left. there were guidelines to be followed under the guise of a lawsuit and it was expected that kris followed them. he’d been following them obediently, even if it meant the birth of various rumors spawning on the internet, the degradation of his status, and the betrayal of what once were his fans. kris was determined to make no contact with the offending party, but recent developments called for kris to go to korea briefly to collect some possessions and evidence that would play nicely into the lawsuit. so here he found himself on the soil of both good and bad memories, standing in the open as though the earth would swallow him whole.
kris calls for a taxi at the exit, the air stagnant but chilly. he gives directions to the sm building, thankful that the driver silently acquiesces and drives without question. the memories seem so vivid but distant -- it was only weeks before that he was with the other members, muscles aching and soul weary, packed in a van and waiting to pile out before storming into the main building for yet another vigorous session of practice. the building was a symbol of work, of the power he could not fathom in the wake of his foreign status. if it wasn’t already daunting enough to go there, it was most definitely now.
as the taxi approaches the building, already late and void of any lingering sasaengs, kris runs through a mental checklist. get in the building, don’t let anyone know you’re here, grab what you need, and go. it seemed easy enough. yet, actually standing in front of the establishment of what may be his demise has kris reduced to a bundle of nerves. deep breaths, he tells himself. it’ll only be a moment.
he punches in the keycode to get in and is met with an empty lobby. seeing as how it’s nearing 4am, he’s not entirely surprised; rather, he’s grateful for his timing and its convenience for his needs. kris gathers himself, returning back to the mental checklist, and eventually remembers that he’d left some things in the practice room. every step towards the room sends a fragment of memories his way and it takes every fiber within him to quell each one, all of it reminiscent of bright blue skies dotted with clouds.
when kris finally reaches the practice room designated for the members and staff of exo, he enters it without much thought. he’s not at all prepared for the barrage of emotions that come with the sight before him.
despite the late hour when most have long retired for the night, there is still one who refused to succumb to twilight. tao is on the floor, skin layered with sweat, panting heavily. music from the speakers echo throughout the practice room. the younger isn’t even aware that someone has entered the practice room until tao looks around tiredly, expression almost baffled when his eyes lock with kris’s.
the first thing kris wants to do is to chastise tao for being up so late. you always work so hard. don’t break yourself trying to be perfect. he wants to ask tao if he’s feeling okay, if he’s tired, if he needs to do anything for tao, because that’s just how it’s always been. he wants to take tao back and lay him to sleep, like he’s done in the past. the instinctual need to take care of tao when he’s at his most vulnerable was as strong as ever, but the words die in his throat before he even has the chance to speak when he sees anger flare in tao’s eyes, hurt outlining the straight line of tao’s lips.
kris feels paralyzed, left to simply watch tao pick himself up, wobbling a little, before stalking over with his eyes narrowed.
“how could you,” tao nearly spits, and kris has half a mind to believe tao is going to punch him. when tao raises both arms, it’s not to punch the elder, but to shove him square in the chest. kris’s back collides with the surface of the door, and it doesn’t hurt, not really. the pain blossoming in the cavity of his heart is the only thing that could make him ache. tao’s hands move to deathgrip the lapels of kris’s coat, fingers unrelenting. “how could you come back after everything you’ve put us through, put me through?”
kris tries to swallow the lump in his throat, but it doesn’t budge. “wait, zitao,” he tries.
tao’s nostrils flare at the mention of his birthname, once soothing when rolled off the elder’s tongue and laced with affection, and angry tears bud at the corner of his eyes when he shoves kris into the door again. his voice is so raw with emotion when he shouts, “ge, how could you?”
“i had to!” kris shouts back, frustrated. strong hands come to grab tao’s wrist, urging to relent. tao relaxes a bit but the steel gaze he dons makes it feel all the same. “i am breaking on the inside, zitao. don’t you see that? i can’t live like this much longer. i had to.”
tao’s expression is still that of molten anger and heated betrayal, but the tears that cascade down his cheeks betray him. he steps back, giving kris a little more room. “we’re all suffering too,” zitao says, voice suddenly weak and vastly different than before. “all twelve of us, we’re brothers, aren’t we? i would’ve helped you, they would’ve too.”
the embers of despair that burn low in kris’s throat suffocate him, and just hearing tao’s voice again makes him weak. despite the mental checklist he’d made earlier sitting in the back of his mind and the lawsuit with it, he can feel his resolve cracking.
kris holds up a hand to wipe away a stray tear on tao’s cheek. he’s never liked it when the younger cries. a smile suited tao much better. “you were always stronger than me,” kris replies, and he means it. even though tao has always come to him for advice, for guidance, he’d always been stronger. sometimes, it was just hard for the younger to see.
tao’s face is like an open book. it’s not like he means to; if anything, it added to tao’s expressive personality. kris’s words has tao feeling nauseous with sorrow, eyebrows upturned and eyes watery, before his face washes over with yet another wave of fury. he slaps kris’s hand away before crossing his arms, shutting himself away. kris tries to pretend that the action didn’t splinter his heart even further.
“and now what?” tao says with a start, bitter. “jongin is in the hospital, chanyeol is sick, joonmyun had a fucking breakdown after practice -- all of this plus the mess you started. for even one second, did you even think about us?”
kris clenches his jaw, finally feeling the spark of aggravation. he loves tao, truly and honestly, but given these circumstances, he wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him to make him understand.
“are you even listening to yourself?” kris asks, incredulously. “did you even listen to what i had to say? how selfish can you be!”
tao scoffs, a laugh almost escaping his parted mouth. “me? selfish? you’re the selfish one here!” and suddenly tao is back in kris’s personal space, looking up defiantly into the elder’s eyes with challenge. “you’re our duizhang. what happened to ‘we are one’, huh? what happened to ‘let’s love, exo’? we haven’t even reached our primes yet, and you’re just going to run away?”
that hits a nerve. this time, kris is the one to shove tao away, sending the younger back with a few steps, with a scowl on his face. underneath the hurt and outrage kris feels, he’s just so tired. so very tired.
“you know something?” his voice cracks, and kris internally curses. “i’ve seen things on the internet, okay. i’ve seen both the support and the hatred. maybe i can understand if the other members don’t like me anymore for what i’ve done. but at the very least, if you truly cared about me, you would’ve shown me some support.”
tao is back on him again, hands creasing the lapels of his coat. he’s breathing heavily, first in anger, then in misery. there’s a new wave of tears falling down his face, and it takes everything kris has to not wound his arms around the younger and pull him into his embrace. just like the old days.
tao has to swallow a sob before saying, “show you support? ge, you hurt me. it was a mistake to fall for you if i knew you were just going to up and leave.”
“zitao, you know that’s not true.”
“what is anymore!” zitao shouts before letting go. he has to pause to wipe away the mess on his face, letting a few sobs escape. he looks up at kris with such hurt in his eyes, lips quivering, it makes kris believe that nothing will ever be okay, that everything he’s done up to this point has come to a standstill. “these past five years, did they mean nothing to you?”
kris has to close his eyes when the pang of guilt comes barreling through him. he wished tao didn’t play the past card. it was probably one of the few things that lingered in his mind when it came to the lawsuit. not so much in the fact of all the time he’s spent in training and suffering to just throw it all away, but because of tao. there’s so much memories unspoken of but clearly remembered when it comes to just those two. their first meeting, their first outing with the rest of the members, the late night sessions spent practicing rhythm and rap -- the list could go on forever. kris remembers it all even though tao teases that he can’t even remember his favorite flavor of bubble tea. the memories start to glitch in his mind, fragments and sharp edges of it scraping against his mind as though reliving it all. he remembers lazy afternoons after practice when it was just the two of them lounging on a bench, feet hanging off the edge because they were both too long and lanky. kris would be toying with a basketball, possibly thinking about going to the court later, while tao just simply indulged in the moment. their heads were but centimeters apart so that when either one of them turned their heads, time would slow down and stop for a while.
he remembers when they both first kissed. it was so unexpected and neither of them really saw it coming. kris had always cared for tao in an adorable younger brother sort of way, but when tao shyly leaned up that one night in the practice room as a young trainee and kissed him, kris knew then that his tao was growing up. he was growing up to be a man, no longer a boy, and that’s when kris kissed back and with fervor too. they didn’t know they both needed it, but when they did -- well, the rest was history.
that particular memory keeps re-running in his mind, and it’s the only thing he can think about amongst the chaos he finds himself in. kris takes a step forward, and surprisingly enough, tao doesn’t back off.
“they meant everything to me,” kris mutters before he softly grabs the sides of tao’s face, guiding so that their lips meet. he tastes an elixir of despair and sorrow on the skin of tao’s lips. tao elicits the most heartbreaking whimper, parting his mouth as fresh tears cascade down, down, down. in turn, tao can taste the flames of burden that lingered in kris’s throat, and perhaps a dollop of hope somewhere in the fray.
but tao comes to his senses. he lets kris swallow a woeful sob before he shoves the elder away, wiping a hand against his lips where nothing but a ghostly kiss remains.
“i am a fool,” tao hisses, mostly to himself. “how many times, i wonder, must i watch you go to realize that maybe we weren’t meant to be.”
kris blinks back tears, remembering the time during the period between their mama promotions and wolf promotions when he just needed a break, leaving the members without much word. he knew tao suffered then, but --
“i always come back.”
“yet you hurt me every time. whenever i begin to trust you again, you always manage to break it. now you’ve broken everyone’s trust too,” tao’s shaking his head, solemnly. “i don’t know if i can believe in you anymore.”
kris sucks in a ragged breath. the dagger has been stabbed, and everything just feels so wrong. he doesn’t let his mind comprehend that it’s over, that there was probably no chance of fixing whatever’s left between him and his beloved tao, that even though his mind is blank, his heart is bleeding a mess inside himself, wrecking him inside out. his brain only supplies the mental checklist: get in the building, don’t let anyone know you’re here, grab what you need, and go. he’s already failed one, so he might as well finish the last two while he’s still (somewhat) emotionally stable. kris spots his practice bag in the corner of the room. he retrieves it in silence, ignoring the set of eyes watching him, before heading towards the door.
he throws a quick glance behind his shoulder, taking in tao’s shaking form, and leaves for what may be the last time.
even with his heavy heart, even as the tears fall and sobs wreck him, even as tao’s distant, wailing screams of frustration haunt him, kris is so tired. so very tired.
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❖ ugh idk i'll edit this later when i'm not sad by what i just wrote ;; even though i will forever and always continue to ship taoris, i'm not sure if i can continue writing them. consider this my closing piece for now.
❖ i need fandom hugs and comfort ;___;
❖ Comments are much appreciated.