Brave Face
Fandom: Twilight
Characters: Jacob, Bella
Summary: Moving on is hard. Follow Jacob Black on his pain process of going all wolf
Originally Posted on: FF.net @ 08.26.09
The Beginning
As soon as all the voices were gone I pushed myself to run faster, harder. I tried taking the longest strides I could and jumped over anything high to get some air.
It was hard trying to escape my thoughts though. I promise I will take care of her, he noted. Please! Is that leech quite sure of that? What happens when he decides to leave her once again? Neither of us would want Bella to hurt that way again. When he left she was the closest thing to the living dead if I ever saw one. Thinking about this made me want to turn back until I was sure she was safe… I knew I wouldn't be able to bare it though.
Faster.
I jumped over huge boulders and ran past about 2 cities and a few small towns. I didn't stop though. I wanted to at least make the US/Canada border before I stopped. I wanted to stop and turn so badly though… No. You can't Jacob, I told myself. You won't be able to heal then.
Harder.
Day 1
I passed 4 more cities without taking a break. Sam was merciful by ordering the rest of the pack to not phase for a day or 2. I didn't want to be guilted into anything. Other than Sam's wordless thoughts of wishing me back home, it was peaceful. I tried to concentrate on the green trees I was passing and the brown ground I was running on. Soon Sam left and I ran even faster.
Run, Jacob, run. That's all I'll be able to do now. Nothing can and will stop me. Even though Sam, the Alpha, was allowed to order me home, he didn't. He couldn't. Before he left I made sure that he felt the burden and grief I was carrying. My thoughts and his were soon in line and he couldn't deny my choice.
I put on a brave face
every time I see you
and you're with him
Everybody tells me
this is a fight I'll never win
Faster.
This was certainly the fastest I ever ran before.
I have come to terms with this somehow
I'm okay but there's still a part of me
that wants to hear you saying
that you love me
Saying that you love me now
Day 5
A good 120 hours without a word from my brothers and sister. Amazing. I wonder what Sam told them…
I just passed a city named Calgary in Canada. There was some sort of celebration going on. It looked fun enough that I so very close phased human to see what was happening - I didn't phase though. The burden (which was actually starting to mute itself little by little) would come back in a huge blow that would surely knock me off my feet.
Even though I was still somewhat joyful at the fact that no one in the pack phased to bother me, I was still bothered.
I look for cues
I search for signs
Anything that would make me feel
more than fine
What was she doing? What was he doing? What are they going to do? And the million-dollar question: When will she be changed?
I needed to be updated. I needed signs! What were their decisions? Did she finally realize I should be with her?
I stopped myself in my tracks. About 5 seconds passed when I finally started to run to the point where it was painful.
But then I get tired
of trying to be inspired
Day 9
I knew 9 days of no one bothering me was too good to be true.
Sam knew the pack was having a hard time so he finally let them phase. I just didn't realize it would be all of them at once.
I let my entire wolf side take over me as much as possible.
Come home Jake, Seth pleaded. Dude, please! We miss you here, Quil informed me. Yeah Jake. Come home to your family, Embry thought. I tried not to think of hurtful things around them. I just ran and ran and ran until they knew they couldn't make me come home. They all sighed internally and said good-bye before they phased back.
Jacob, Embry's right, Sam thought; I sighed. Hmm, let me rephrase, he thought it over. Think about coming home to your family okay? We need and miss you Jacob. Though he pretty much ordered me to come home, his voice was soft and the double echo in his voice wasn't there. I was still free.
After Sam left, I thought about everyone's thoughts - which brought me up short. She was actually going forth with the wedding. Seth silently thought about the invitation that he received as well. That pissed me off. The damn bloodsucker was inviting Seth to a wedding most likely filled with vampires?! Or - … Maybe it was - her (I never thought her name anymore, it was a taboo that made me go nuts) - that invited him. Either way, Seth still silently thinking about going over was suicide. Crazy.
Day 13 - Last Time
I've been denying my hunger for way too long apparently. I took down the biggest deer in the herd and I was still hungry. I tried fishing but my patience was too short for that. I moved on to another part of this unknown forest and searched for another herd of deer.
I just have to accept
that you're moving on, moving on, moving on
Moving on. That's the only thing I could concentrate on now. If one deer's done, move on to the next. If one forest starts to get familiar, move on to another one. Why was it I could physically move on? I could make my legs move from place to place faster than ever. I could make my body move in such ways I could quite easily destroy anything in seconds.
Mentally. Emotionally. I couldn't let go of this sadness. This hurt that will only cut me deeper every time I thought about it. I tried to cheer myself up. What an incredible FAIL. It only got me to stop myself in my stride letting me crash nose first into an enormous tree. So much pain in my nose, my legs and my heart… I couldn't accept that I wouldn't move on even though she (apparently) did. She's been immersing herself with the wedding. I ran faster with strong, hard strides to forget I even brought up the subject myself.
I tried to keep running. Running. Running. Running!
Was that all I could really do? Just run? What was I running from anyways? I could have the freedom I wanted back in La Push and Forks! The forest there was familiar and I loved it there.
What was I running from?
Love. Pain. Rejection.
I put on a brave face
every time I see you
and you're with him
Everybody tells me
this is a fight I'll never win
I wasn't so relieved to have the madness answered. I wanted to remember how I forgot this was why I was running away.
Rejection. Pain. Love.
I ran into a town and found a Salvation Army truck opened and left alone. I grabbed the biggest sweats I could find and carried it in my mouth. I didn't bother on dwelling on the nasty taste. I ran back into the trees, dropped the sweats and phased.
It felt weird, being human again. Less than 4 legs, no fur, thumbs and all that. But I didn't care. I put on the sweats and curled up against the tree. Then, I started to cry.
She was with him. He was with her. They were both happy. Why couldn't I accept that?
Why couldn't I accept that she chose him over me? That she irrationally yet irrevocably loved him more than me? Didn't I just want her happy? Well, she's happy for crying out loud! Why can't I just accept that?
!
I let it all out. I cried until I was dry of tears. I phased back into a wolf forgetting the fact I ripped the sweatpants and ran till I was tired enough to sleep.
Today would be the last day I phased.
Lost Count
Everything was simpler now. Not simple as I would like it, but simpler, easier.
I have come to terms with this somehow
I'm okay but there's still a part of me
that wants to hear you saying
that you love me
I forgot easily why I left. I let my entire wolf self control me. Pains were easier to control for they had easy cures.
Pain: Hunger. Cure: Feed on a herd of deer or (if I had enough patience that day) fish.
Pain: Thirst. Cure: Inhale deeply and find the nearest source of clean water.
Pain: Restlessness. Cure: Running around in foreign forests just for the heck of it.
Pain: Exhaustion. Cure: Curl up in a secluded, dark area and rest.
The pack was a bit of an issue. They still phased back and forth because they still had their duties. Whenever someone unwillingly (it was nice of them to figure out I didn't want to be bothered) thought they missed me or whatever crappy excuse they had for me to come home, I ignored them. The wolf in me made me forget them and soon they got bored of it. I was silently thankful for that.
It all made sense and I realized I never wanted to go back.
Saying that you love me now
Characters: Jacob, Bella
Summary: Moving on is hard. Follow Jacob Black on his pain process of going all wolf
Originally Posted on: FF.net @ 08.26.09
The Beginning
As soon as all the voices were gone I pushed myself to run faster, harder. I tried taking the longest strides I could and jumped over anything high to get some air.
It was hard trying to escape my thoughts though. I promise I will take care of her, he noted. Please! Is that leech quite sure of that? What happens when he decides to leave her once again? Neither of us would want Bella to hurt that way again. When he left she was the closest thing to the living dead if I ever saw one. Thinking about this made me want to turn back until I was sure she was safe… I knew I wouldn't be able to bare it though.
Faster.
I jumped over huge boulders and ran past about 2 cities and a few small towns. I didn't stop though. I wanted to at least make the US/Canada border before I stopped. I wanted to stop and turn so badly though… No. You can't Jacob, I told myself. You won't be able to heal then.
Harder.
Day 1
I passed 4 more cities without taking a break. Sam was merciful by ordering the rest of the pack to not phase for a day or 2. I didn't want to be guilted into anything. Other than Sam's wordless thoughts of wishing me back home, it was peaceful. I tried to concentrate on the green trees I was passing and the brown ground I was running on. Soon Sam left and I ran even faster.
Run, Jacob, run. That's all I'll be able to do now. Nothing can and will stop me. Even though Sam, the Alpha, was allowed to order me home, he didn't. He couldn't. Before he left I made sure that he felt the burden and grief I was carrying. My thoughts and his were soon in line and he couldn't deny my choice.
I put on a brave face
every time I see you
and you're with him
Everybody tells me
this is a fight I'll never win
Faster.
This was certainly the fastest I ever ran before.
I have come to terms with this somehow
I'm okay but there's still a part of me
that wants to hear you saying
that you love me
Saying that you love me now
Day 5
A good 120 hours without a word from my brothers and sister. Amazing. I wonder what Sam told them…
I just passed a city named Calgary in Canada. There was some sort of celebration going on. It looked fun enough that I so very close phased human to see what was happening - I didn't phase though. The burden (which was actually starting to mute itself little by little) would come back in a huge blow that would surely knock me off my feet.
Even though I was still somewhat joyful at the fact that no one in the pack phased to bother me, I was still bothered.
I look for cues
I search for signs
Anything that would make me feel
more than fine
What was she doing? What was he doing? What are they going to do? And the million-dollar question: When will she be changed?
I needed to be updated. I needed signs! What were their decisions? Did she finally realize I should be with her?
I stopped myself in my tracks. About 5 seconds passed when I finally started to run to the point where it was painful.
But then I get tired
of trying to be inspired
Day 9
I knew 9 days of no one bothering me was too good to be true.
Sam knew the pack was having a hard time so he finally let them phase. I just didn't realize it would be all of them at once.
I let my entire wolf side take over me as much as possible.
Come home Jake, Seth pleaded. Dude, please! We miss you here, Quil informed me. Yeah Jake. Come home to your family, Embry thought. I tried not to think of hurtful things around them. I just ran and ran and ran until they knew they couldn't make me come home. They all sighed internally and said good-bye before they phased back.
Jacob, Embry's right, Sam thought; I sighed. Hmm, let me rephrase, he thought it over. Think about coming home to your family okay? We need and miss you Jacob. Though he pretty much ordered me to come home, his voice was soft and the double echo in his voice wasn't there. I was still free.
After Sam left, I thought about everyone's thoughts - which brought me up short. She was actually going forth with the wedding. Seth silently thought about the invitation that he received as well. That pissed me off. The damn bloodsucker was inviting Seth to a wedding most likely filled with vampires?! Or - … Maybe it was - her (I never thought her name anymore, it was a taboo that made me go nuts) - that invited him. Either way, Seth still silently thinking about going over was suicide. Crazy.
Day 13 - Last Time
I've been denying my hunger for way too long apparently. I took down the biggest deer in the herd and I was still hungry. I tried fishing but my patience was too short for that. I moved on to another part of this unknown forest and searched for another herd of deer.
I just have to accept
that you're moving on, moving on, moving on
Moving on. That's the only thing I could concentrate on now. If one deer's done, move on to the next. If one forest starts to get familiar, move on to another one. Why was it I could physically move on? I could make my legs move from place to place faster than ever. I could make my body move in such ways I could quite easily destroy anything in seconds.
Mentally. Emotionally. I couldn't let go of this sadness. This hurt that will only cut me deeper every time I thought about it. I tried to cheer myself up. What an incredible FAIL. It only got me to stop myself in my stride letting me crash nose first into an enormous tree. So much pain in my nose, my legs and my heart… I couldn't accept that I wouldn't move on even though she (apparently) did. She's been immersing herself with the wedding. I ran faster with strong, hard strides to forget I even brought up the subject myself.
I tried to keep running. Running. Running. Running!
Was that all I could really do? Just run? What was I running from anyways? I could have the freedom I wanted back in La Push and Forks! The forest there was familiar and I loved it there.
What was I running from?
Love. Pain. Rejection.
I put on a brave face
every time I see you
and you're with him
Everybody tells me
this is a fight I'll never win
I wasn't so relieved to have the madness answered. I wanted to remember how I forgot this was why I was running away.
Rejection. Pain. Love.
I ran into a town and found a Salvation Army truck opened and left alone. I grabbed the biggest sweats I could find and carried it in my mouth. I didn't bother on dwelling on the nasty taste. I ran back into the trees, dropped the sweats and phased.
It felt weird, being human again. Less than 4 legs, no fur, thumbs and all that. But I didn't care. I put on the sweats and curled up against the tree. Then, I started to cry.
She was with him. He was with her. They were both happy. Why couldn't I accept that?
Why couldn't I accept that she chose him over me? That she irrationally yet irrevocably loved him more than me? Didn't I just want her happy? Well, she's happy for crying out loud! Why can't I just accept that?
!
I let it all out. I cried until I was dry of tears. I phased back into a wolf forgetting the fact I ripped the sweatpants and ran till I was tired enough to sleep.
Today would be the last day I phased.
Lost Count
Everything was simpler now. Not simple as I would like it, but simpler, easier.
I have come to terms with this somehow
I'm okay but there's still a part of me
that wants to hear you saying
that you love me
I forgot easily why I left. I let my entire wolf self control me. Pains were easier to control for they had easy cures.
Pain: Hunger. Cure: Feed on a herd of deer or (if I had enough patience that day) fish.
Pain: Thirst. Cure: Inhale deeply and find the nearest source of clean water.
Pain: Restlessness. Cure: Running around in foreign forests just for the heck of it.
Pain: Exhaustion. Cure: Curl up in a secluded, dark area and rest.
The pack was a bit of an issue. They still phased back and forth because they still had their duties. Whenever someone unwillingly (it was nice of them to figure out I didn't want to be bothered) thought they missed me or whatever crappy excuse they had for me to come home, I ignored them. The wolf in me made me forget them and soon they got bored of it. I was silently thankful for that.
It all made sense and I realized I never wanted to go back.
Saying that you love me now