Even Though
Fandom: Glee > CP Coulter's Dalton
Characters: Shane/Reed
Summary: Shane has a decision to make: should he stay with Reed or try to pick up where he left off with Micah?
Originally Posted on: FF.net @ 04.07.11
Shane, to keep things simple, was utterly confused.
If you really wanted to know why Shane was so puzzled then consider the following: He was a gay guy who was nearly caught making out with his (ex) boyfriend in his own home and had his own brother rejected by his father since said brother claimed that he was the one having the make out sessions. Due to this, said brother was not attending the same school as Shane anymore, so he visited his brother's school often. During one of these visits, he ended up falling for one of his brother's fellow peers and close friend, Reed. Despite the misunderstandings they often had, Reed and Shane ended up coming to like each other very, very much. And then Shane's ex, Micah, stepped in.
Thinking of his ex, Micah quietly knocked on Shane's bedroom door. Micah was always like that: think of him and he'll appear in the room in the next 5 seconds as if your thoughts summoned him. Micah was aware of his special ability to show up when people thought of him, though he always claimed it was just luck. It was one of the things about Micah Shane was beginning to remember, along with a bunch of others which were the reasons why Shane fell for him in the first place.
Shane sighed and looked around his messy room, exasperated. He remembered the times when he was overjoyed when Micah came into the room whenever Shane thought of him. Now, he always felt awkward whenever it happened. Hard as Shane tried not to think of him though, it was impossible to do so because Shane had to share his family's vacation house in Ohio with Micah these past few days. (And, clearly, when someone is living in the same house as you, you're bound to be thinking about them a few times.) After Rebecca and Erin left to continue their adventures, Micah decided to stay in Ohio with Shane until he had to leave. He wanted to "talk" to Shane, catch up with him with what's been going on in their lives the since… it happened. (It being Shane's father threatening Micah to leave Shane and Blaine alone, or else.) Have this exact situation - which is Micah wanting to talk to Shane for a few days in a house they had to themselves - happen only a few years ago and Shane would have died and gone to heaven. But these days, Shane was just anxious to the bone.
The past few days with Micah weren't completely awkward though. Again, Shane was remembering things about Micah that attracted Shane to him in the first place; like the face Micah made to give away he was lying; or how, when he smiled, the corners of his eyes would crinkle up; or how he had a talent for knowing when something was wrong with Shane. When Shane and Micah talked about what's been going on in their lives since they departed ways, Shane kept on discovering new things about Micah too. He noticed how, when he got uncomfortable, Micah would fuss with his glasses and, when he was really enjoying the conversation, he'd cock his head to the side slightly. That head cock happened often during their conversations too, because Micah was always genuinely interested in what Shane had to say. Which was yet another thing Shane remembered about Micah. They talked about how Shane nearly died, which made Micah reach for his glasses to the point where he had them off his head about every 5 seconds. They talked about how Micah really got into books and travelled across the country searching for specific books and conventions, which lead him to being found by Rebecca and Erin at San Francisco. They talked about a lot of stuff, really - except for love, and their own love lives. But Shane was sure Micah didn't want to talk about that anyway. Blaine's love life, however, was an exception. Shane and Micah gossiped about Blaine and Kurt about half the time they spoke to each other, and Shane made sure he left nothing out as he talked about what he heard and observed.
Micah was quite pleased. "About time Blaine found someone good for him," Shane remembered Micah saying with a warm smile. He remembered easily agreeing with a nod.
It wasn't like they were able to jump into what they had though. When they watched a movie, instead of Shane sitting on Micah's lap, legs stretched across the sofa, they sat next to each other at a safe, though not necessarily comfortable, distance. There were awkward silences for them to fill. When they had their meals together, much of the silence was filled with their utensils hitting their food and plates and both of them saying, "Could you pass me the…?" At one point, it dawned on Shane that the only time they were ever truly comfortable with each other was when they were talking about themselves separately and not them together (or, even better, just not talk about themselves at all). Then again, Shane wasn't sure he wanted to talk about how he and Micah stood now.
When Shane realized this, he thought of all the times he hung out with Reed. Their relationship was, for the most part, fairly awkward, kind of like his and Micah's relationship right now. But at least it was a good awkward. Unlike the silences Shane fell short of filling when he was with Micah now, the quiet moments he shared with Reed were comfortable. (At least, most of the time, when Shane wasn't unintentionally making things harder for the other curly head.) In any case, at least Shane was able to come into physical contact with Reed; Micah actually flinched the one time Shane accidentally brushed his hand from passing the salt at dinner. The awkward relationship Reed and Shane shared was one that didn't stop Reed from putting up with Shane too. It was one that didn't stop the numerous amount of times they ended up accidentally doing something - like Shane losing Reed at the House of Mirrors during the Valentines' Day Fair or ignoring Reed's calls when Shane thought it was Blaine calling (Shane still regrets that, by the way) - but having something good still come out of it. And it was a relationship that certainly didn't stop both of them from confessing their feelings for each other and how they both liked who they were around each other. Shane thought about how much he liked being something like Reed's knight in shining armor, since he was always there to save Reed before he ended up falling into some sort accidental disaster. He also thought about how he liked how Reed basically had him wrapped around his finger, even if Reed didn't know it yet.
"Can-can I come in?" Micah asked cautiously as he knocked again; he realized Shane was taking too long to answer to his earlier knocks.
Shane's thoughts of Reed were interrupted by Micah's voice and his knuckles tapping against the door. He took a deep breath before answering. "Yup…" he said, barely audible, before burying his curly head into his palms.
Micah peeked through the door, finding Shane sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. "Hey," he said concerned, walking through the door then sitting next to Shane on his bed. "Are you okay?"
Shane combed through his hair with his hands momentarily then looked to his left and found Micah sitting next to him. "Uhhh, yeah," he finally answered. "Perfectly fine," he lied, trying to shrug off his confused thoughts.
Micah raised an eyebrow. "Really Shane? You're gonna lie to me now?" he challenged. Micah always knew when Shane was lying. He remembered how Shane would always shrug off whatever was running through his mind and how he tried to hide his face whenever he was uncomfortable, which was usually done by burying it in his hands. Micah was pleased to learn that none of this changed.
Shane let out a breath he was holding, breaking under the pressure. "Okay, if you must know, I am not okay. Happy?" he answered with a quick, sarcastic smile.
Silly boy, Micah thought as he shook his head. "Shane, you're upset right now; why would I be happy?" he asked rhetorically. "Tell me what's going on," demanded, his eyes searching for Shane's.
Shane looked at Micah with pursed lips. He considered Micah for a moment. What would happen if Shane told him what he was really thinking? Would Micah be offended that Shane was thinking of him only moments ago, only to have them result in thinking of Reed? Would he feel terrible and rejected by Shane? Would he get angry and accuse Shane of replacing him with Reed? (This was, of course, certainly not the case - Shane couldn't replace Micah even if he tried. And Reed was nothing like Micah anyway.)
"I -" Shane began, then left his mouth open for the words that wouldn't come out. How do you begin to tell your ex you were thinking of your brother's friend (whom you have a really HUGE crush on) anyway? Shane tried again. "Do-do you remember Reed? The short one with super curly hair?" he asked instead.
Micah nodded. "Yeah, he was standing next to Kurt the entire time, right?" he replied. Shane nodded.
Micah thought back to a few days ago when he first met Shane, Blaine and all of their Dalton friends. He remembered Reed being short, well dressed and only being able to peek at his strawberry blonde curls since he was basically behind - not even next to - Kurt the entire time. Come to think of it, Micah realized Kurt looked very defensive and protective of Reed once Micah introduced himself, which was when Kurt placed himself in front of Reed. He also noticed Kurt always had a careful eye on Micah even after he left the school with Shane.
He briefly wondered why Kurt was so protective of Reed; what was so bad about Micah that could affect him? Micah barely talked to the boy, much less know him, so what could possibly happen? This lack of knowledge on Reed lead to Micah remembering he did know about him, and that was Reed being a very quiet and shy guy. Micah was the one who had to initiate conversation between them.
"Hi," Micah remembered saying, "I'm Micah." He offered his left hand since he was a lefty.
Reed diverted eye contact for a moment before smiling. "I'm Reed," he squeaked, before offering his hand.
What a charming little thing, Micah remembered thinking, amused, as he shook Reed's hand.
Charm, Micah pondered now in front of the younger Anderson. Is that why Shane's asking me about Reed? Does he need some sort of approval for Reed from me?
"Well, um…" Shane started again. "I was just - uh - thinking about… him," he quietly finished, looking away.
Micah raised an eyebrow. "Really? What about him?" he wondered. Internally, Micah wondered how deep Shane and Reed's relationship was; if Shane was already thinking about Reed in such a way that he almost seemed embarrassed to say it out loud, Micah guessed that Shane was in deep.
Shane looked into the palms of his hands and blushed cherry red. "Uh… I have - um - a…" Shane stared into his flailing hands, eyebrows scrunching together and his face making various uncomfortable expressions. "I have… a bit of a crush on him…" Shane finally whispered.
Micah raised both his eyebrows. Interesting, he thought. While he wasn't really offended, and while he was correct on Shane having it bad for Reed already, Micah was still a bit surprised. Micah thought about how long Shane knew Reed, which wasn't very long as far as he knew, and realized that Shane was falling hard and fast… again - like Shane did before for him. The short haired boy cocked his head to the side, thinking about how Shane and Reed's relationship almost paralleled his and Shane's.
"Really?" Micah finally asked in reply.
"Yeah," Shane admitted, still looking down at his fidgeting hands and knees.
Shane was extremely uncomfortable about the situation he dug himself into. It wasn't often that you talk to your ex about your current love life with your crush. And, as Shane was now learning, when you do, it's not going to be easy. Shane wondered if Micah was uncomfortable about this too, but realized he probably wasn't (Micah wasn't fidgeting with his glasses). Then, Shane wondered why he was so uncomfortable about talking to Micah about this. He used to tell Micah everything with ease. This should have been no different. Then again, there's the fact that they've been separated for so long and were only able to catch up with what happened to them in the past few years within a few days. Shane thought hard about this for a moment. Was time really such a big factor in their relationship though? Or was it the fact that, perhaps, Shanedid get over Micah, no matter how terrible and scarring what happened between was? But Shane was always so sure that there was a place in his heart for Micah, a place where Shane thought he'd always yearn for him. So why would that change now, when Micah was finally there with him? Shane continued to stare at his jumping legs as he thought about this.
"And…?" Micah pressed.
Shane stopped moving, Micah's voice snapping him out of his thoughts. "What do you mean, 'And'?" Shane demanded, looking right at Micah.
"I mean, aaaannnd you like him. Soooo, is there anything going on between you two?" Micah asked slowly, trying to make sure that Shane knew he wanted an honest answer from him. He needed that honest answer too, because if Micah was right about Shane having it bad for Reed as bad as he did with him before, then Micah was going to have a bit of trouble for what he had planned.
Shane scratched his curls, not because they were irritating him of course, but because he was picking his brain for an answer. "Well… no, not really," he finally responded, dropping his hand.
Micah nodded slowly. "I see…" Shane raised his eyebrows briskly and looked at Micah with an embarrassed expression before turning away. "So, do you think something might happen any time soon then?" Micah asked carefully. He almost told Shane to say no, but bit his tongue back for Shane's answer.
Shane turned to look at Micah again. He half-braced himself for some sort of argument with Micah, not an interrogation on his and Reed's relationship. Shane stared at Micah with a questioning look. "I-I don't know, actually," he admitted first. "Depends on how long 'any time soon' means, I guess," he amended.
Micah pressed his lips into a thin line before answering, "'Any time soon' as in tomorrow afternoon." Micah only had so much time before Shane had to leave for school again, which meant that he had to leave as well. Whether he was leaving with Shane though, was entirely up to the younger Anderson, and Micah was praying that he would end up going with him.
"Then, probably not," Shane finally confirmed, staying honest. Shane thought about how Reed was about as slow as his brother when it came to romance, not that Shane minded though; he made an exception for Reed. Then another thought occurred to Shane. "Why…?" he asked Micah. Shane realized that the time Micah gave him was the amount of time Shane had left before he had to return to school. What could Micah possibly want to happen between Reed and me before I left tomorrow? Shane wondered.
"Because…" Micah took in a deep breath, unwilling to keep his gaze off Shane. "Because, I want to ask you something," he finally said. I hope I still have a chance, Micah wished, simultaneously trying to remember what he rehearsed earlier to tell Shane what he wanted.
Shane became very suspicious and careful at this, which was completely un-Shane-like. He was sure that what Micah had to ask was nothing like a favour, but a more pressing matter. "Okay…?" he allowed, nodding his head slowly.
Micah tucked in his lips for a moment. "Well," he started, finally able to take his eyes off Shane's, "we've been - together - for the past few days. And, we've been able to, you know, catch up." He turned back to Shane and swallowed. "I know it may not be possible, let alone easy, but… I've really missed you Shane," he admitted; the eyes that gazed through the golden rimmed glasses showed no indication of lying. "And, these past few days, I realized that I think we could still work…"
This much Micah longed to be true. The one time Shane brushed his fingers against his own, Micah flinched because he felt sparks. Wild sparks. Wild sparks that he's never felt with any other guy he's dated. Wild sparks he's never felt since he had Shane. And once those sparks were lit, Micah realized he couldn't take his mind off of Shane anymore. Micah was still in love with Shane Anderson. And now, he just hoped and prayed that Shane still felt the same way about him.
Micah took another breath and braced himself for whatever Shane was able to throw at him once he said his part. "So, I was wondering, if you and Reed didn't - you know - get anywhere, maybe-maybe we could… bring back what we had. And that, maybe, I can go back to Colorado with you s-so we can try?" he finished quietly.
Micah's eyes were careful and searched for an answer through Shane's, which forced Shane to look at his knees. What possibly led Micah on to make him think that he and Shane could still work? What did Shane say to Micah that led him to think this? Shane wasn't offended or sad about it, why would he? The guy he knew he would always have a place in his heart for just asked him out - again! Shane should have been extremely pleased. But that's just the thing: he wasn't, at all. Shane just felt confused. (And, quite frankly, he felt like crawling into a hole so he could figure this out on his own, without Micah sitting next to him on his bed, and without having a deadline that was tomorrow.) Shane's entire body frame was shaking because he was so overwhelmed by this, so he took a breath. Micah wants to go back to Colorado with me, he thought, and he wants to see if we could still work… Shane blinked, a bit incredulous; he was so unprepared for this.
"S-so, you want to go to Colorado with me, and see if we can pick up where we left off?" Shane clarified. He glanced at Micah, who was nodding with a nervous look on his face, before looking down at his lap once more. Shane licked his lips and turned back to him. "How are you going to stay there?" he asked, "Won't your parents be concerned?" Shane already knew that Micah living with him was completely out of the question. If my father saw Micah's face again… Shane shuddered at the thought.
"Shane, I already told you how much travelling I've done since we've - separated. My parents don't mind anymore where I end up, as long as I'm alive and still studying," he explained. "I'll rent an apartment or get a condo in Colorado, I guess. Just like you, I already have the means and money to support myself there anyway."
Shane sighed, knees beginning to jitter again, because he knew it was true. "I-I don't know Micah," he finally answered. "I mean, I can't just - Reed… and-and…" Shane wasn't sure how to finish. He mentioned Reed because Shane did care - he cared a lot actually - about Reed, romantically and as a friend. He couldn't just ditch Reed for an old flame. Especially one that Shane wasn't quite sure he knew his feelings about anymore. But Micah's offer was so, so tempting…
The eye glassed boy nodded somberly as he looked away. "Oh… you and Reed are more serious than I thought," he thought out loud; Shane nodded. Micah pursed his lips. "Well," he said, naturally reaching for Shane's hand (Micah was so used to taking Shane's hand before; looks like old habits died hard) and felt those wild sparks again, "you can think about what I said, and then talk to Reed to see where you guys stand," he thought out loud again. "Yeah," he said with a nod, turning to look at Shane, whose gaze was at their joined hands, "you're going back to Dalton anyway to say goodbye to Blaine, so you can talk to Reed tomorrow to see what's going on with you guys. If you feel that, perhaps, there may not be what you thought there was, then, you know, think about what I offered." Micah looked at Shane, trying to decipher what his body language and facial expressions meant, and squeezed the younger Anderson's hand gingerly. "Promise me that, Shane, okay?" he asked.
Shane finally looked up from his and Micah's linked hands. "O-okay," he promised.
Micah gave a small smile to Shane and had an internal debate with himself over whether or not to do something.
"Well, it's late," Micah said, glancing at the clock next to Shane's bed (it read 10:41 pm). "I'll pick you up tomorrow at Dalton if you accept my offer. You won't see me in the morning because I'm gonna be out looking for a few more books," he explained.
Finally, Micah's internal debate ended and he took his chances: he brought his face close to Shane's and kissed Shane gently on his left cheek, just in front of his left ear (Micah still remembered where Shane's hot spots were, and realized he had to exhaust all his options if he really wanted a chance at Shane accepting his offer). Micah's lips almost caressing Shane's skin. His breath was warm and tickled Shane.
"Good night, Shane," Micah whispered into Shane's ear, his lips just brushing the other boy's earlobe, until he finally stepped out of the boy's room and closed the door quietly.
Shane's eyes were wide and his body was perfectly still from Micah's kiss - never mind the fact that it was in one of the spots Shane liked it best. Shane turned red all the way to the roots of his hair. He blinked multiple times to see if he was still living. Why am I reacting so strongly? he wondered to himself. Then he wondered why he was freaking out over reacting strongly. Shane thought it was supposed to be normal for him to freak out over Micah's kiss. So why was he second guessing himself? Then Shane thought back to only a few moments earlier when he thought about not ditching Reed for Micah. He became even more confused now. If he still had feelings for Micah, how could he be with Reed then?
Frustrated, Shane fell back onto his bed, grabbed a pillow and placed it on top of his face to muffle a groan. What was going on with him? What would he tell Blaine, whom he was sure would have strong opinions over what Shane was thinking? What would he tell Kurt, who Shane knew would eventually find out from Blaine? And worse, what would he tell Reed?
-x-
Kurt stood by his dorm's door and looked at his roommate. He smiled slightly; Reed was painting another Shane inspired picture on the floor next to his bed.
Thinking of Shane, Kurt's smiled dissolved immediately. He remembered the day of the fair, when Rebecca, Erin and Micah showed up. Don't get him wrong, Kurt was completely ecstatic for the Andersons, finally able to be reunited with their old friends - but Kurt still feared for Reed. As one of his best friends, after the Fabulous Five departed for the night, Kurt felt obligated to tell Reed what happened between Micah and Shane, so he did. Reed burst into tears. Kurt felt so bad for him, but he told Reed that at least he was able to know exactly who he wanted now.
"B-but, what if-if Shane choo-chooses him over m-me?" Kurt remembered Reed asking, trying to hold back his sobs even though tears were already falling.
"Oh Reed," Kurt remembered responding sympathetically, and walked over to hug the smaller boy. "Why would he not choose you?" he remembered asking quietly. Without waiting for an answer, Kurt continued. "Of course he'd choose you," he murmured softly, silently praying to whoever was out there to make it true as he stroked Reed's back. Reed sniffed.
Over the past few days, Shane visited Dalton and explained the situation between him and Micah. Micah was crashing at the Anderson's vacation home in Ohio until Shane went back to school in Colorado. Whether or not Micah was going with Shane back to Colorado, however, no one knew. And that's what worried Reed, Kurt, Blaine and even some of their friends who knew about the situation (i.e. Wes, David, the Twins, and Dwight), the most. They all wanted Shane happy, but they couldn't just forget about how Reed felt about him either.
When Shane wasn't at Dalton, Reed devoted his time to his future career. As a result of feeling hopeless, Reed initially decided to focus on his art rather than his current love life and Shane. But that backfired since his artwork became Shane. Reed sketched whatever reminded him of Shane, he painted Shane often, and he even tried using new medium that revolved around Shane to create 3D art.
Reed looked up from his current painting and saw Kurt leaning against their room's door. "Uh, hi," he said with a sheepish smile, trying to find things to cover his painting without ruining it. He was momentarily embarrassed for having Kurt find him creating yet another piece of artwork involving the younger Anderson.
"Ah, ah, ah!" Kurt said running over to where Reed was. After he sat down in front of the artist, Kurt pushed away Reed's hands and the things that were covering his painting. "I already know this is about Shane; don't destroy it," Kurt warned.
Reed gulped and turned pink. "It's Shane's last day tomorrow," Reed started, "Do-do you think he's gonna leave with Micah?"
Kurt looked away, afraid that his eyes might betray him to Reed. Kurt didn't want to lie to him, but he knew that if he told Reed he wasn't sure what was going to happen, it wouldn't help. "I-I don't think so…" he confessed.
Kurt turned back to Reed, who looked like he was at the corner of Heartbroken Drive and Hurt Avenue. Kurt realized Reed was able to see through his words; Reed saw that Kurt had absolutely no idea what would happen. And this didn't help at all, because Reed was dead set on Shane ending up with Micah rather than with him.
"Oh Reed," he said sympathetically, bringing his arms around the smaller boy. "Don't think like that. I may not know what's gonna happen, but that doesn't mean Shane's going to ditch you for Micah. Shane's got a mind of his own, and if it's anything like Blaine's, he'll do what is right for him in the end," he explained. Kurt pushed himself off of Reed to looked at the boy, "And I think what's right for him is you, got that?" Kurt smiled hopefully.
Reed wiped away a tear that fell and smiled back. "I hope so," he finally admitted. Reed sighed. "Kurt, what am I going to do?" he looked to the other boy for desperate advice.
Kurt bit his lip. He knew exactly what to do - though, Reed probably wasn't gonna like it. Actually, he wasn't going to like it at all. But Kurt didn't give a damn about that. He knew that what he had in mind would probably be the best thing for both Reed and Shane, because why hold back if you could go all out?
"Well, what do you think I'd do?" Kurt asked in response.
Reed looked confused. "I guess-I guess you'd sing about it," he finally answered. Kurt looked at Reed with a raised eyebrow. "OH!" Reed finally realized. "You-you want me tosing to him?" Reed asked, hoping desperately he was wrong. Kurt nodded. "B-but… I can't! - no really… I…"
Kurt shut Reed up by placing his hand over Reed's mouth. Reed was still mumbling something before Kurt said, "Ah, no! I don't want to hear it Reed!" Kurt looked at the curly haired boy sternly. "You can sing. You've sung with Shane and in front of Shane before anyway. The only difference now is that the lyrics will really mean something to you, if not the both of you. You have to tell Shane how you feel, before Micah makes a move," Kurt pointed out. "Besides, Shane would probably love that you sang to him anyway."
Kurt slowly removed his hand from Reed, preparing it to slap itself over his mouth again if it continued to protest. Reed opened his mouth for a moment to rebut what Kurt told him but he knew Kurt was right. It was probably better he sing his feelings like he did before anyway. Reed then turned away for a moment, realizing something.
"Oh my gosh," he whispered, making Kurt instantly concerned about what his friend was thinking. "I - uh - actually have a song in mind…" Reed quietly admitted.
Kurt's face brightened just as fast as it became alarmed. "Really?" he asked as he held back an excited smile, trying to sound anything but incredibly thrilled because he knew he was right - again.
Reed nodded, blushing, before turning back to Kurt. "Yeah. But, I kinda need the Warbler's help on this one," he confided, then began to tell Kurt his idea.
Once Kurt heard Reed's idea, he ran out of his room and slammed open his boyfriend's door as he screamed, "BLAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIINE!"
Blaine looked alarmed and ran over to his boyfriend. "Kurt, KURT! What's going on?" he asked anxiously.
Once he was able to calm Kurt down in order to figure out what was happening, Blaine saw the smirk Kurt was wearing and realized that something diabolical was going down. (Which wasn't uncommon, of course, in the Windsor house.) Though, Blaine was somewhat afraid since his boyfriend - the only other sane student in the house besides Charlie and himself - was giddy over something that involved a huge plan. But Blaine's worries were wasted since he realized that he really loved the idea Reed came up with, as told by Kurt. And so, at 11:01 pm that night, one nervous boy and two excited ones called and texted every Warbler available as they began to plot for the next day.
( Part 2)