some infinities are bigger than other infinities
some infinities are bigger than other infinities; hyukjae/donghae | g | ~2900w
au | they meet over and over again in several lifetimes. { multiple!AUs }
they meet many times in many lives. sometimes, they recognise each other easily, almost as naturally as breathing. if they’re lucky, they are born in the same place, grow up together, fall in love with each other and grow old together. other times, though, they just so happen to slip past each other, and trying to fight back is almost as futile as chasing kites which have been captured and spun headlong away by buffeting winds.
the problem, though, is that they never remember each other. never, ever. never have they retained any memories about their past lives, because for some reason every time they start anew their memories are wiped, a fresh slate as blank and clean as newly fallen snow. sometimes, it helps, because things aren’t perfect and life’s a bitch and not everything ends well. of course, other times, it doesn’t matter because you can’t miss what you’ve never had, and if you can’t remember sunshine and laughter and being in love, then you can’t exactly miss that feeling either.
this is the first time they meet.
✦
“hello,” hyukjae the fisherman hears a cheery voice, tongue curling with a strange accent, calling out to him from one of the tiny boats facing him. strange, he muses, because all that time he’s been fishing in this part of the sea he’s never ever heard anyone call out to him - he’s always just been alone. still, he likes the solitude, the inner peace and calm he derives from watching the churning turquoise shades of the waves and the white froth that breaks upon the sand. shrugging to himself as a silent admonishment to not expect too much, he rows over, sunlight glinting off the water droplets on his tanned, muscular arms.
“hello?” he says tentatively upon reaching the stranger’s boat, bobbing up and down beside him. we must look like a pair of real weirdos right now, hyukjae thinks resignedly, trying desperately to look under the oddly wide brim of the stranger’s sunhat to catch a glimpse of his face.
“oh, hello! you actually came over,” the stranger beams. “i’m donghae, and this is my first day out at sea,” he chirps, removing his hat to look hyukjae straight in the eye. hyukjae’s flabbergasted - the boy is beautiful, all even white teeth coupled with soulful dark eyes and the sweetest, most genuine smile he’d ever seen in his life. raising a hand in acknowledgement and sputtering an incoherent greeting in return, hyukjae tunes back in just in time to catch the rest of donghae’s introduction. “ -and i really hope you’ll guide me along, because you seem really nice and i’m so sorry if i seem like a nuisance because i’m really not very sure of what i’m doing-”
“no, it’s okay, really,” hyukjae stumbles over his words in his haste to reassure donghae, grinning earnestly at him to cover up the fact that he hadn’t really been listening. “if you don’t mind me asking, though, how come it’s your first day at sea? people from my village normally start fishing when we’re eleven or so…” he trails off uncertainly as he notices the abrupt shine of tears glossing over donghae’s eyes, thinking shitshitshit what did i say wrong now.
“sorry… bad question?”
“nah, i suppose it’s okay for you to know,” donghae mutters angrily, wiping his tears away with his free hand. “my dad died earlier this week, and i guess now i’m in charge of providing for the family, so i have to come out here and catch fish to sell.
“i used to love the sea, you know. ever since i was a child, i’d be swimming in the waters near our house. but one day the waves were too large, i was too tiny, i almost drowned. ever since then, i avoided the water like the plague, but i guess now circumstances have forced me back here again,” donghae laughs. yet the happy sound seems forced, out of place with the mask of sadness he’s forced over his face.
“i’m sorry,” hyukjae mumbles after a pause, because he truly, deeply is. sorry for this young boy forced to grow up too fast, sorry for this young boy with a big heart, who seems to love too hard and too fast.
“it’s alright,” donghae smiles wanly, but at least this smile is real and not forced. (hyukjae just wishes he’d smile like that forever.)
he’s not surprised when donghae splashes him with a paddleful of water, choosing instead to retaliate with that spare bucket he always keeps on hand in the boat in case of emergencies.
✦
the second time, they aren’t exactly so lucky. they meet, but then their paths diverge, hyukjae snatched away from donghae cruelly. but still, they’re like two sides of the same coin, joined together by inexplicable forces. inseparable, now and for all the time that is yet to come. some lives they end up separated a little earlier than expected, but it doesn’t matter much in the long run because they will always, always find each other again no matter what.
✦
“hey,” the new recruit says, holding out his hand shyly. he rakes through his newly-shaved head with his other hand, a gesture that looks almost unconscious. donghae slowly appraises him, nodding to himself in his head because this boy doesn’t seem like one of those pretentious assholes that feel the need to come in and brag that my father’s a general, piss me off and i’ll report you or even i’m rich, okay, i’m only here in this shithole because i couldn’t bribe my way out. his ex-roommate had been someone like that, and donghae had absolutely hated him. “i’m hyukjae,” the new boy says, grinning, and his eyes crinkle up at the sides to form little laugh-wrinkles. donghae likes him already, because someone who can still smile like that in their current times of hardship must be somebody worth hanging out with.
hopping off his bed, donghae grins at him and sticks out his hand in reply. “hey hyukjae, i’m donghae. looks like we’re going to be roommates, huh?”
they stay in the training base for a few more months, commiserating over crappy mush that masquerades as food and the shitty treatment they get from their shitty superior, who seems to have a personal vendetta against the both of them. "you're useless, both of you," he shouts one day, veins popping out in his neck and face turning red. it's so exaggerated it's almost comical, donghae thinks, because it's actually quite amusing to watch somebody almost explode with unexplainable rage and hatred in front of you. but then again, that's probably why he's such a good fighter, always rushing to the frontlines in each and every battle. it must boost your courage, donghae assumes, to have all this pent-up anger and frustration propelling you forward. he tells all this to hyukjae late at night, both of them lying under thin blankets and looking up into the darkness, eyes wide open and counting each other's heartbeats in between words.
"I bet he just has unresolved issues, don't worry about it," hyukjae laughs. donghae pretends to laugh as well, but under the current of muffled giggles he realises that there's a darker, grimmer perspective to this whole situation.
they're probably going to need us soon on the front lines, anyway. we're not going to be useless for much longer.
true to his predictions, in the fateful month of july 1951 they’re deported straight to the frontlines of the war to fight for their country. donghae can’t say he hadn’t been expecting it, because he’d known - he’d overheard whispers from the higher-ranking soldiers, rumours flying swift and unchecked between their platoonmates. he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel a thrill of fear run through him every time someone brought up the war, adrenaline and terror flying through him in equal parts, drowning out all other possible emotions.
"they're going to send us out to fight soon, mark my words." hyukjae says, staring desolately at nothing as he slumps on his own bed.
"i know." quiet acceptance.
"and you aren't scared?" loud incredulity, coloured crimson to contrast with the mild blue of donghae's tone.
"i... i don't know. it's hard to tell."
hyukjae nods, because he understands, and the last of their relatively peaceful days are spent in silences like these.
(many years later donghae will look back and realise that the times spent with hyukjae were some of the greatest of his life.)
now, even thirty years later, donghae thinks the endless sounds of bombs and bullets will plague him to the end of his days. he still dreams of rapid machine-gun fire, bullets hitting the dirt next to him and blowing it all sky-high, the realisation that that could have been me coursing through his veins and rendering him stock-still. the landmines exploding and deafening him, men flying through the air with the impact, and always, always just so much blood everywhere. red has never been donghae’s favourite colour, all gaudy and rough on the eyes, but now after the war he thinks that red is the colour of nightmares and screams, of monsters and atrocities.
the worst part, though, would be the sleeplessness, which comes with relentless determination and plagues his very existence. in the dreams, he sees hyukjae smiling brightly at him once again, hand wound tight in his and whispers of stories in his ears lulling him to sleep in the darkness of their shared dorm room. in the nightmares, the horror doesn't lie in weapons and humans trying to exterminate each other. it lies in looking around desperately for hyukjae and seeing him ten feet away, his chest a bloody mess of holes, little pieces of shrapnel embedded in his limbs.
donghae thinks he'll take the deafening booms of the bombs over the dead silence that greets him upon awaking any day.
✦
most of their lifetimes are characterised by laughter and smiles, because the both of them are so ridiculously similar it hurts. donghae will always be hyukjae’s favourite person (and vice versa), because he is a best friend lover and home all wrapped up into one package. yet hyukjae realises sometimes that donghae is unbelievably dumb, or to put it nicely - innocent, naive, too out of place in this harsh world they live in.
“you again,” hyukjae says amusedly as he watches donghae walk into the apple store once more. donghae’s been coming here ever since hyukjae started working at the store, all frowny faces and pouty bottom lip with a face like a kicked puppy. “what seems to be the problem this time?”
“i don’t know. i mean, i dropped my phone into a basin full of water this morning. i fished it out immediately though, so it shouldn’t be that bad...right?” donghae grimaces and laughs nervously, hand going to the back of his head and running through his hair uncertainly. hyukjae sighs.
the first time he met donghae, he’d burst into the store wailing about how his ipad had crashed and refused to turn on “just because i dropped it on the floor one time. okay, maybe two”. the second time, donghae had mournfully brought his macbook into the store, saying that he accidentally downloaded a virus and hadn’t any idea what to do to fix it. sometimes, hyukjae wonders why a dumbass like donghae owns so many electrical appliances, and immediately admonishes himself because this guy’s a customer and it’s unprofessional to think that way. however, he pushes away those thoughts because donghae looks like he could be twenty-two, like hyukjae is, and there’s nothing wrong with joking around with a guy his age. they’re bordering on the verge between acquaintance and friend, since hyukjae’s come to recognise donghae seeing as how the guy comes to the store practically every week.
“what is wrong with you,” he says, half in jest and half in seriousness, deftly taking apart the phone to check its circuits and sim card. “you come into the store so many times, i’m starting to think that you like me.”
glancing over, he notices donghae turning a funny shade of pink, the blush spreading all the way across his cheeks and there’s even a flush blooming on his neck.
oh.
“what, you really do like me?” hyukjae grins, laughing at donghae who’s just standing in the middle of the store, staring at him with his mouth slightly open.
“uh….yeah?” the whisper nearly slips past hyukjae’s ears in the general hustle and bustle of the store, but he pretends he hasn’t heard and keeps his head down to hide the smile spreading across his face. piecing donghae’s phone back together, he slides in the cover with a ‘snap’, fingers flying over the keys to turn it on and make sure it’s working once more.
“here,” hyukjae grins, handing back the repaired gadget, watching donghae blink confusedly (hey, he just professed his affections! shouldn’t hyukjae respond accordingly and at least tell him if he reciprocates?) and fiddle with the phone to hide his confusion. meanwhile, as donghae checks the functions of his repaired phone, hyukjae whips out his own iphone 5 to send a text. meanwhile, donghae frowns and worries his bottom lip within his teeth, wondering what to say to hyukjae, wondering whether he should leave now, asking himself questions with no answer.
1 new message received
breaking out from his little trance, donghae taps the little “read now” option, not recognising the unsaved number.
hey, don’t look so sad. i’d go out with you any day if you’d just ask ;)
startled, donghae glances up, where he meets hyukjae’s mischievous eyes and huge smile. slowly, an answering smile spreads over his own face, and he opens his mouth to ask the one question he’s always wanted to ever since he met hyukjae that fateful day, holding a spoilt ipad and fretting over its fate.
“i didn’t keep going back because i wanted to see you, you know,” donghae tells hyukjae one day months later out of the blue when they're both sitting on the couch. “my gadgets really did crash.”
“bad luck for you, good luck for me, then,” hyukjae answers, pressing closer to donghae and snuggling into his warmth, burying his face into the crook of his neck.
donghae just grins, contented with the world and life. “ya, so this means that if i spoil anything else from now on, you’ll fix it for me for free?”
hyukjae hums. “don’t bet on it.”
(contrary to his words, hyukjae always ends up cursing under his breath because ultimately, he still ends up doing whatever donghae asks him to. he’s whipped like that, really.)
✦
here they are today, two boys chasing a shared dream, beginning in the cool autumn days in seoul and meandering to the rich laughter and excited voices of south america. lee donghae is now just donghae, and lee hyukjae has adopted a stage name “eunhyuk”. two boys, hands linked and fingers threaded in the spaces between each other's, singing and dancing on stage to a crowd full of lights and cheers. grinning, donghae reaches over to hyukjae and grabs on to his arm even tighter, successfully warding off an approaching siwon and rousing deafening screams from the audience. hyukjae pretends not to notice, but he wraps an arm around donghae's shoulders as the two of them whip around to face the audience. life as an idol really isn't easy, but midnight dates sneaking out of the dorm and early morning cuddles make things better than hyukjae thought it could ever be.
"happy birthday," he whispers in donghae's ear, breath tickling the shell of his ear. hyukjae grins at the way donghae squirms and jabs a finger in his ribs, causing him to gasp for breath even harder.
“it’ll be my ninth birthday i’ve spent with you around, i think. or is it the tenth?” donghae smiles, both of them in their tiny little corner at the side of the stage, the screams and cries of fans sailing by their ears. a minuscule island of serenity amongst the chaos and clamour of idol life.
“i’m not sure, actually,” hyukjae pauses, biting his lip as he tries to recall when exactly he and donghae met. “tenth? eleventh?”
“ah well,” donghae brushes it off, snuggling deeper into his hold contentedly without much regard for the thousands of pairs of eyes watching (the fans love it, anyway. they think it’s fanservice, but it’s so much more than that). “doesn’t matter, so long as there are many more to come.”
kyuhyun, who just so happens to be passing by on his way to the other side of the stage, overhears and looks at them before pretending to barf. zhou mi hauls him away and scolds him for disrupting such a moment, but not before both of them hear kyuhyun’s indignant “but we’re onstage!”
they look at each other, laugh, then walk over to the front to join into the final bow. all hands clasped, backs bowed at ninety degrees, the way they were taught to do when they were trainees. so much has changed since then, hyukjae realises, yet donghae is still here by his side and like that it feels like nothing much is different.
gently, he squeezes donghae’s hand, and smiles when he feels the answering pressure.
fin.