we crave a different kind of buzz
we crave a different kind of buzz; jongin-centric, jongin/baekhyun | r | ~8200w
au, angst, horror | jongin is afraid of two things - solitude, and darkness.[warnings]
character death, mentions of cutting
disclaimer: please read the warnings and don’t open the link if you’re uncomfortable with anything!
✡
“hey, yeah, good morning. my name is kim jongin. your nameplate reads ‘kim junmyeon’, so tell me, what should i call you? would you rather i called you junmyeon-sshi? or maybe even junmyeon-hyung? anything else you’d like me to address you by?”
“morning jongin, i don’t really care what you call me. you can call me whatever you’re most comfortable with, so that’s really up to you to decide.”
“okay. i’ll just call you junmyeon-hyung then, junmyeon-sshi sounds really weird and formal. you don’t mind, right?
“nope, it’s totally fine. anyway, before we begin, i need to ask you a few basic questions, okay? just so we can get to know each other, like a self-introduction kind of thing. i’ll go first. i’m kim junmyeon, your doctor, and i’m twenty-four this year. graduated early from med school,” he laughs and explains at jongin’s ‘whoa’ of admiration. “i guess i just want to say that i’m here to help you in any way i can, so don’t be afraid to open up or confide in me, okay?”
“you seem nice, hyung. i’m kim jongin, and… wait, how old am i again? i know this seems like a really stupid question, but there’s something in my brain that tells me i’m nineteen. it’s instinctive, like i don’t even need to think, but then there’s this little seed of doubt that makes me question that instinct of mine. so what am i? twenty? eighteen? seventeen…?” panicked breaths, teetering on the edge of hyperventilation.
a moment of surprise from the flustered junmyeon, rapidly forced down and controlled. “hey, jongin, calm down and look at me, alright? you were born on the day of 14th january 1994, so we can safely conclude that you’re nineteen this year. just in case you need to refresh your memory, it’s the 27th of december today, and the year is 2013.”
thank goodness, the spark of panic is doused, just in the nick of time. “whew. thanks doc. almost lost track there for a moment, and that wouldn’t have been pretty, eh?” self-deprecating laughs from jongin, nervous laughter from junmyeon. there is no suitable answer to that question, so junmyeon doesn’t even try.
“anyway, i… i’ve got a pretty cool family. my parents are pretty supportive of whatever i choose to pick up, so i guess i’m lucky. i’ve got two older sisters too, they’re really nice. sure, they were pretty clique-y when we were growing up, but that’s expected since they were all girls and i was the only boy. i’m glad they included me in their games, though, even if it meant i had to dress up as a prince and rescue one of them from their imaginary castles.” short bursts of laughter, but at least the ones this time are more genuine than the sardonic chuckles from before.
“it’s nice to hear that you have such a loving family,” junmyeon says gently, choosing to gloss over the mention of that mysterious ‘him’. he’ll get to that later, definitely, but for now he’ll just focus on putting jongin at ease so that the boy will be more liable to open up later on. “and what are your hobbies and dislikes, jongin?”
“aw, that’s easy. i like - no, wait, more like i used to like - dancing and skating. dancing because, well, i liked being able to move to the rhythms any way i liked, and express myself without even needing to use words. pretty cool, eh? i was even good at it, you know, won a few competitions back then… nationals and interschools and whatnot…” faltering, spacing out for a while, almost as if jongin’s searching for memories that don’t exist, trying to recall things that have been blacked out.
“earth to jongin, earth to jongin,” junmyeon calls, noticing the warning signs and rapidly bringing the topic back to safe ground. “tell me why you like skating?”
“well, skating was a way to relax. not to say that dance wasn’t fun - it was, just that sometimes it got stressful and i needed a way to get rid from all of it. like, there were those certain periods of time where dance became competition routines and something that was too carefully choreographed, too perfect, and i didn’t like it. i liked dancing freestyle, because that was where i could truly be myself? where the raw essence of kim jongin showed itself instead of masquerading behind rehearsed movements. so yeah, skating gave me an outlet for all of that, and i liked skating. wait, did i say that already?”
“hm. you don’t like perfect things, jongin?” junmyeon asks tactfully, choosing to ignore jongin’s rambling. almost unconsciously, junmyeon begins tapping his pen thoughtfully on the polished wooden surface of the table, giving himself something to do as he tries to catch up with jongin’s line of thinking.
tap, tap, tap -
“would you please stop that?” jongin asks, his voice pleasant, but there’s an undercurrent of sheer panic and desperation. almost as if the sound, so insignificant in junmyeon’s daily life, disturbs him greatly. then again, junmyeon thinks grimly, most patients do get greatly upset at little things. jongin is no different.
“sure, if it disturbs you.”
“thanks. and anyway, yeah. i - i don’t trust them. i don’t trust perfect people,” jongin chokes, almost as if there’s a torrent of words fighting to be let out. go slow, junmyeon warns him, and jongin takes a deep breath as if trying to press them all back down.
“okay, jongin. tell me why you don’t trust perfection. surely we all want to be… perfect? even if you don’t crave it, surely you want to know what it’s like?” jongin’s clenched knuckles are white from the force he’s exerting on the armrests of the chair, nails digging into the leather, almost as if he’s trying hard to control himself and not explode right there and then.
“no! stop fucking talking about perfection, it’s not as good as you think it is. why does everyone want it? you don’t fucking know the price you have to pay for it, it’s not fucking funny anymore -” angry words swallowing themselves up, red face and veins protruding under the surface of skin stretched thin over brittle bone.
“calming breaths, jongin, and you’ll be fine.” junmyeon says, in a measured voice that betrays little to no emotion of his own.
“yeah. yeah. deep breaths, and i’ll be fine.” jongin parrots, visibly gulping down large swallows of air and exhaling just as quickly. it’s both disconcerting and uncomfortable for junmyeon to watch, because jongin is gasping as if he’s experiencing a lack of oxygen, almost as if he’s a literal fish out of water. just as quickly as the little panic attack comes, however, it disappears, jongin’s breathing rate regulating as he calms down remarkably fast.
“got it all under control?” junmyeon smiles kindly, but inside he’s wondering what the fuck is wrong, what happened in his head to make him go back to normal so quickly. still, jongin’s nodding, although his face is still kind of pale and his mouth stretched in a straight line instead of curving up at the corners like it did when he was talking about things that made him happy. noting all these little details down, junmyeon surmises that they must be getting closer and closer to the heart of the problem, the reason why jongin’s even in his office in the first place, and junmyeon can’t help but wonder how bad it is.
okay, enough with the speculation. patient first, questions later. leaning forward, trying to catch jongin’s eye. “so, jongin, now comes the hard part. i know you don’t like talking about it, but i believe in putting everything out there so others can help you, alright?”
earnest nods and a slightly subdued ‘yes hyung’. not exactly the most encouraging response, but at this stage any response is good response and junmyeon will take whatever he can get.
“so, jongin, tell me. what are you scared of?”
“it’s kind of a long story, you sure you wanna hear it?”
“go on, we’ve got all the time in the world.”
“okay. see, i’m scared of two things, mainly. the first one is darkness, and it’s kind of stupid because everyone’s expected to grow out of that childhood fear, right? yeah, well, not me. there’s just something about everything being black, not being to see anything -“ shudders, almost as if deeply repulsed at the thought.
(offhandedly, junmyeon wonders how this kid even manages to fall asleep at night. maybe he uses three nightlights or something, that wouldn’t be a surprise. then immediately after thinking that, he berates himself for being an asshole and laughing at jongin’s fears.)
“the second thing i’m scared of, though, is solitude.” here, junmyeon perks up, because this is one uncommon fear jongin has.
“you don’t like being alone?”
“well, it’s nice at times when you want peace and quiet to yourself. it’s just that when it’s dark and i’m alone in my room, he comes along. i’ve tried nightlights and shutting my eyes tight and basically just about everything, but somehow he always finds a way to break through my defences. i shut my eyes, he appears behind closed eyelids. i switch on nightlights, he appears anyway. i fall asleep with others, he appears only to me instead of them as well. i hate it, hyung, fucking hate it, please make it stop.” the words are hurled out at him with unnatural rage and desperation, cartwheeling towards junmyeon with the force of a thousand knives and spears. and yet behind the fury-filled syllables, there is an undeniable plea, a vulnerable boy begging for solace and respite, and junmyeon’s heart softens.
“we’ll all try our best to help, but you need to tell us what’s going on. right from the start, don’t leave anything out. okay?”
jongin takes another of those deep shuddering breaths, the ones that get under junmyeon’s skin and rattle his bones with the sheer brokenness of it.
“yeah. okay.”
“that’s right,” junmyeon smiles encouragingly. “now how about we start from the beginning, and you tell me about those fears of yours?
“this is going to be kind of really awkward, but you won’t judge me anyway, right?” reassuring nods and another calm smile. a quick, relieved smile on jongin’s part, just barely enough to show that he’s been assuaged. not fully at ease, but loosened up enough so that he can tell junmyeon what exactly has been going on. taking a deep breath, jongin launches into his story, and junmyeon can’t help but get sucked in. not because he’s jongin’s psychiatrist and he needs to listen just so he can diagnose what’s wrong with him, but rather because jongin’s story is unusual and compelling, all in the wrong ways, and it’s certainly not a disorder or mental illness that junmyeon’s dealt with before.
✡
“i used to be a happy child. one of the popular kids in high school with a clique of fast friends. it’s strange how i can’t remember my age but i can still remember their names, eh? they were sehun, yixing, kyungsoo, zitao - kyungsoo’s the only one who knows about this whole problem with him though, he’s the only one i ever told. it’s sad that we don’t keep in contact anymore; all of my friends kinda faded away into obscurity as he got closer and closer. i was a boy who had a dream in mind, like i wanted to be a professional dancer someday, since i loved dancing and i wasn’t too bad at it either. my dance teacher told me i had the natural flair, knew which movements looked good and which didn’t. i was also pretty much all-rounded - my grades were okay, i had a talent for dancing, blah blah blah.”
“sounds like you were quite the star, eh?”
a laugh that sounds a lot more like crying than anything.
“yeah. i guess you could say that. i miss that sometimes, you know. more than you’d think.”
✡
the most important part of the story, however, is that kim jongin was undoubtedly a boy with a good heart. everyone who’d ever met him always used the same word to describe him - nice. cheerful, sincere, always willing to help anyone, regardless of whether they were his friends or not.
“maybe that was my downfall in the end, you know. maybe that was the hamartia baekhyun hadn’t hesitated to capitalise on and exploit.”
✡
“you’ve never mentioned this baekhyun before, care to tell me who he is?” junmyeon leans forward slightly, attempting to lessen the distance between him and jongin. this could be it, could be the very crux of the problem. get straight to the heart of it and this could be our best shot at fixing it.
“he’s a monster!” jongin yells vehemently, slamming the surface of the table with clenched fists. he doesn’t seem to feel the pain, too caught up in seemingly bad memories and nightmares, so junmyeon swallows his concerns, leans back and lets him talk.
“i used to think he was beautiful, you know? it was weird, because he didn’t have any defining feature that made me think that way. it was just the way he was put together, the way all his features gelled together into this perfect composition, and he drew me in the moment i first saw him. he was perfect, and… perfect, yeah, perfect.”
tell me, jongin, is this why you don’t like perfection?
“when did you first see him?”
“you know,” jongin pauses, looks junmyeon right in the eye and the look there chills him right to the bone. there’s no more life left in jongin’s eyes, all deadened and totally black, no hint of the vibrancy that was there when jongin had talked about his family. “that’s a good question. it was so long ago, i don’t even remember anymore. all i know is that he’s been plaguing me for really long.”
“okay. well, i guess you could tell me more about what baekhyun does? anything he says to get you upset?”
“it’s not really specific things he says, or does… it’s more of how he’s always there, in my head, watching me? watching how i go through life, scrutinizing my each and every move, and it’s fucking creepy and stressful to have him always there. he always whispers to tell me what i should do, and most of the time his suggestions aren’t exactly very nice. they… he makes me hurt people, makes me forget who i am. and i shouldn’t even be telling you this, he could be listening in right now, but i’m so fucking sick and tired of his shit that i just can’t live with him any longer -“ a sudden silence with jongin’s voice trailing off abruptly, his head cocked to one side.
junmyeon realises with horror that jongin seems like he’s listening to something, to a voice only he seems to be able to hear. that voice in his head.
all off a sudden jongin cringes and reaches up with both hands to cradle his head, almost as if he’d sustained a violent physical blow from out of nowhere. leaning forward hastily, junmyeon tries to reach forth and check for any physical injury, but jongin’s already curled in on himself, elbows on his knees in a foetal position and junmyeon can’t help but be reminded of a wounded animal.
and yet now something’s changed, jongin’s suddenly okay again, straightening up like nothing ever happened and speaking, voice detached and clinical. jongin’s eyes rove over junmyeon disinterestedly, almost as if he’s been surveyed and found lacking.
doesn’t matter what the fuck just happened. i need to gauge his response, need to see what this new aspect of his personality is like.
“i’ve got to be going, looks like the time for my appointment is up. see you next week, junmyeon-sshi.” with that, jongin gets up and leaves without so much as a ‘goodbye’ or ‘it was nice to meet you’, stalking towards the door with a self-confidence that was missing from the cowed boy who had entered the office timidly at the start of the session.
“jongin, wait! before you go, i just have one more question.” more disinterested stares, but at least jongin isn’t strutting right out of the door and slamming it in his face. junmyeon banks his trust on the fact that there’s still a little bit of jongin in there, counts on the hope that jongin can still hear him even through this supposed ‘baekhyun’.
“hurry up old man, i’m kind of in a hurry to get out of this lame office. and don’t call me jongin, i’m kai. i’d tell you not to forget it, but that seems like a waste of breath since you’re obviously ancient and probably have short-term memory as well,” kai laughs, but there’s no joy or humour in it. instead, the sound is dry and menacing, like he’s trying to intimidate junmyeon into acquiescing to him.
“do you have an emergency contact i could call? you know, just in case you’re ever in trouble or something like that.” junmyeon pretends not to hear, letting the venomous words roll off him like insignificant water droplets.
“i really don’t see how that’s any of your business,” kai snarls, obviously pissed off that his teasing hasn’t gotten under junmyeon’s skin.
“well, as your psychiatrist, i really need those contact details. for example, if anything happens to you in my office, i need to know how to get in touch with people who know how to help you medically -“
“you’re so fucking annoying, just shut the fuck up. i don’t need your help, okay? i’m totally fine as it is, and i’d appreciate if you stopped poking around in my head.” with those words, jongin crosses the remaining distance to the door in two large strides, yanks it open and slams it shut. hard.
in the silence of the aftermath, junmyeon shakes his head and sighs. he opens up jongin’s patient file and stares at the information sheet inside, looking up the emergency contact number already listed inside. after he’s taken note of the number, he stares at the closed door and wonders if perhaps this baekhyun isn’t just a figment of jongin’s imagination, if perhaps this baekhyun is more real than expected (or at least, jongin perceives him to be real). it’s a scary thought.
✡
one week later, jongin is back in the chair opposite junmyeon’s, head hanging and a little thinner than before. he looks up, and junmyeon is afraid - the face who looks up is gaunt, dark skin stretched way too tightly over bone, eyes large in the pale face.
“looks like you haven’t been sleeping well,” junmyeon begins gently, trying to ease jongin into opening up.
“yeah,” jongin nods, but then his lips purse and he clams up, refusing to say anything more.
“baekhyun again?”
another tentative nod of the head, but nothing more is said on the subject.
“tell me who’s kai?”
“he’s… he’s my alter ego. it’s like when baekhyun comes, he makes everyone around me call him kai. i don’t like kai, he isn’t me, baekhyun tainted everything. he spoilt it, you know. i used to love the name back when we were still - anyway, i used to love the name so much back then, it was insane. things are different now, though. he ruined everything,” jongin finishes moodily, picking uneasily at a loose thread in his jeans, refusing to meet junmyeon’s gaze.
✡
“you have a beautiful voice, you know. you should really sing more often, i’d listen to you anytime.”
“thanks,” and a shy little smile, showing rows of perfectly aligned little teeth. “you know… when i was young, i had dreams of becoming a singer. still want to.”
“wow. you’d make it big, i know you would. and i’d be your fanboy and go to all your concerts! you have to save me front row seats, okay?”
“are you sure anyone would come to my show?” softer now, a little insecure, doubts clouding the stars in his eyes.
“of course. there’d be crowds of people all stomping on each other in the moshpit, rows of screaming fans all over the stadium, and then there’d be me in the front row, holding up an embarrassing LED sign that says ‘byun baekhyun, i love you!’ with a huge neon pink heart at the back.”
“stupid,” baekhyun teases and elbows him gently in the gut, hard enough to feel but not hard enough to hurt. “fine then, promise me you’ll be my biggest fanboy no matter what.”
jongin smiles. “i promise. oh, and by the way, you should have a cool stage name, you know, for when you perform!”
“byun baekhyun is cool enough, thank you very much,” the other boy replies as he gives jongin the stink-eye. jongin pretends to cower, but a mock-angry baekhyun is actually really cute and not threatening at all. still, jongin will never tell him that, because baekhyun would totally flip out and start raging about jongin needs to take him seriously. ugh, teenage musicians and all their moodswings.
“fine, then what about me?” jongin pouts, making baekhyun laugh and lean over to slap him lightly on his chest.
“kim jongin…? you can be kai, like the ocean. strong, beautiful, untouchable.”
“yeah. yeah, that would be nice. and you can be my byun baekhyun.”
baekhyun laughs and pretends to puke, overcome by the cheesiness. “okay, you sappy kid. you’ll go be kai, i’ll be your byun baekhyun.”
✡
it’s an uncomfortable hour spent in silence, with jongin refusing to disclose anything no matter how much junmyeon prods and pokes at him. every time he mentions the words ‘baekhyun’, jongin flinches unconsciously, almost as if afraid of a blow. when the time is up, jongin gets up and stumbles to the door, absolutely lacking any grace or balance whatsoever. helplessly, junmyeon watches him go without a word.
after jongin leaves the office, junmyeon decides that something more has to be done. he opens up jongin’s patient file again, searches for the emergency contact listed there and keys it into his iphone before dialling the number.
[11:36] calling: do kyungsoo.
✡
knock, knock. “come in!”
“good morning,” junmyeon smiles, greeting the boy with wide eyes and heart-shaped lips who’s just entered his office. he stops to wonder why kyungsoo looks so scared of him when he’s not actually very intimidating, but after the meeting with kyungsoo he realises kyungsoo pretty much looks like that all the time.
“jongin told me you’re the only one out of all his friends who knows about baekhyun. now, i need you to tell me everything you know about it - how it started, when it started, how it’s affected jongin.”
“i’ll tell you on one condition - don’t ever let jongin know i was here. the normal jongin wouldn’t have minded, i think, because this is for his own good and we all really just want to help him. but after baekhyun, jongin was never really the same, he became a lot more paranoid and it scared us. a lot.”
“you have my word,” junmyeon replies and kyungsoo nods, takes a deep breath, and starts to talk.
✡
jongin had met baekhyun a year ago, when baekhyun had transferred to their school right bang in the middle of the school year. apparently baekhyun’s dad’s job brought the family around korea a lot, and baekhyun never really had a place to settle down in. yet somehow, he’d found jongin’s group of friends and settled right in as if he’d belonged there from the start, befriending everyone with an ease that seemed as if it stemmed right from their childhood days.
“hey, my name is baekhyun. byun baekhyun. i came over from busan because my dad’s boss transferred him over here, so yeah well, here i am! i hope all of you will treat me well and that we’ll become friends soon,” baekhyun finishes his self-introduction with a bow, resulting in the bored applause of thirty-plus teenagers.
“isn’t that nice,” the teacher beams, clapping politely. “i hope all of you will make baekhyun feel at home, it can’t be easy having to transfer to another school in the middle of the year. jongin, why don’t you take him under your wing for a bit? show him around the school, bring him up to date about the lessons, et cetera.”
“sure,” jongin smiles, all easy and natural, and baekhyun can’t help the answering grin that appears on his face.
✡
it was a mystery to everyone as to how come jongin and baekhyun got along so well, since both of their personalities were pretty much polar opposites. jongin, although popular and well-liked, was at heart an introvert. he didn’t go out of his way to meet new people or socialise, instead seeming to attract others to him effortlessly. on the other hand baekhyun was outgoing and cheerful, flitting around from clique to clique like a true social butterfly. he could strike up a conversation with anyone, but his closest friend was jongin and that was pretty much unquestionable with the way they always drifted back to each other by the end of the day.
no matter how many times people tried to pull them apart or interfere, jongin and baekhyun were always inseparable.
✡
“i guess the reason why they fell in love was because they started off as friends,” kyungsoo muses, much to junmyeon’s bemusement.
“they were in love? what do you mean?”
“exactly what i just said, doc - they were in love. it was as simple as that. jongin was obviously besotted with baekhyun - i mean, who wouldn’t be, that boy soon became as popular as jongin was - but the best part was that baekhyun was equally as besotted with him too.”
✡
“you see me for who i truly am,” baekhyun shrugs when jongin asks why baekhyun would like him. “with you, i don’t need to pretend. i don’t need to laugh at anyone else’s jokes or make witty comments at the right times. i don’t need to pretend to like the ‘popular’ things, like which football team trashed who during last night’s match and which video game just came out.”
“so it’s not because i’m that popular kid everyone wants?” jongin laughs, flexing his biceps to show off his muscles and making baekhyun giggle as well.
“no, you dork. none of that popular-kid personality comes through when you’re with me. to me you’re just kim jongin, the boy who sees through that tough personality i put up to hide against the world.”
“just kim jongin,” jongin repeats. “yeah, i like the sound of that.”
i can be your kim jongin forever, if you’d let me.
“you’ll always be just kim jongin to me, even if you do become kai someday.” baekhyun grins, all teeth with his eyes scrunched up, and jongin chuckles and leans over to ruffle his hair affectionately.
“forever’s a long time, you know. don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“yeah. i know. but hey, who said i can’t keep that promise? we’ll have forever, trust me,” he says confidently, and jongin believes him just because he’s baekhyun, and jongin will trust baekhyun for as long as he needs to.
stupid, stupid baekhyun. foolish, naïve byun baekhyun.
✡
“i thought you said we had forever. why’d you lie?”
baekhyun doesn’t answer, because he’s lying cold and stiff in the muddy ground still wet from the recent spring shower. only the howling wind answers, only the ruffling of flower bouquets against hard concrete tombstones makes a sound.
“i miss you, you know. so much.”
“the dreams haven’t gotten better. every night you’re there, and i run to you and hug you and say i’ll never let you go. i make you promises i can keep, see. you smile and say okay, say that you’ll never leave, but sooner or later you just - you just fade away and i’m left holding nothing. and then i wake up screaming and crying, and that’s the nightmare. the nightmare lies in waking up and realising that you’re no longer by my side.”
“you know what i miss most about us? it’s that i never got a chance to say goodbye. i never got the chance to give you one last kiss or hug, never got the chance to fully experience how much i like feeling you smile against my lips or how you like to press further into me when i give you a hug. i never got the chance to hear your voice one last time, to see you sass me again. baek, if you were going to leave, at least give me a warning, so that i’d know… at least give me a warning, so that i’d remember every single thing about you on your last day. at least warn me before disappearing like that, baek. at least tell me…”
“i don’t think i’ll ever forgive the douchebag who ran that red light. people say i should, but i don’t think i can. it’s hard.”
“i don’t know why i come here every day and talk to you, anyway. there’s never any answer.”
…
“i miss you, byun baekhyun. so fucking much.”
✡
“he never really got over baekhyun’s death, you know. there was a period of time he was grieving, since the loss was new and real and fresh and all that. he stopped eating, only drank water and practically dragged himself through school. jongin became so much like a zombie, but nobody dared mention it for fear of upsetting him further and tipping him off the edge or something. he did enough of that by himself, and he didn’t need anyone’s help with that. at least, that’s what we all thought, so we just kind of hovered around him, like we were all on tenterhooks. never once did we ask him what was going on and - god, why were we so fucking stupid. we should have noticed. we should have known.”
✡
“you’re getting way too thin,” sehun laughs, bumping jongin with a bony elbow, but that’s not for lack of food - everyone in their group has been a firsthand witness to how sehun practically inhales food like it’s air. even now, jongin can see the undisguised worry in sehun’s eyes (it’s not hard, it’s practically screaming out at him). “been on a diet?”
“nah,” he replies, shaking his head. “i guess i’m just not hungry.”
he knows that his apathetic response has hit sehun when he gasps in mock horror, clutching his chest. after all, jongin used to be just like sehun - absolute black holes for food, anytime, anywhere.
“kim jongin, not hungry? something must have gone wrong in the world for this catastrophe to happen.”
“yeah, something major did go wrong in the world,” jongin repeats in a dry voice. sehun’s eyes light up, thinking he’s about to make a joke, thinking that maybe jongin’s on the road to getting better, but his next words leave sehun silent and totally lacking laughter.
“baekhyun left. and that’s why i don’t feel like there’s anything worth living for anymore.”
✡
“where did those scratches on your wrist come from?” his mother asks, pulling up his sleeve and exposing the angry red marks glaring back.
“just a neighbourhood cat deciding to go all batshit crazy on me when i wanted to stroke it,” jongin lies through his teeth easily. “don’t worry about it.”
he doesn’t mention the bloodied razor lying innocently in the first drawer of his room, because some things take way too much effort to explain. he hasn’t exactly felt like very energetic lately.
✡
“jongin was like that for awhile. we tried to talk to him, tried to break through the shell he imprisoned himself in, but none of us ever got through. we tried bringing him out of the house, you know, to places like amusement parks and shopping malls and basically just anywhere - we just wanted to get him to forget his troubles for a bit and just be happy. it never worked though, he said that they all reminded him of baekhyun in one way or another. in fact, almost everyfuckingthing seemed to remind him of baekhyun, and it was so ridiculous but so, so sad at the same time.”
✡
“we all miss him, you know,” chanyeol says to jongin one day, his long arm draped over his shoulders as he tries to offer some semblance of support.
“yeah, i know.” jongin replies, staring blankly at some spot across the pond. “it’s just that i miss him a lot more than you guys would think.”
“jongin…” chanyeol begins, but jongin’s already retreating, running away from him in long strides.
sorry, chanyeol. i know you’re trying, i know you guys are all trying, but i need to get away from this. i need a break. i need baekhyun.
✡
“it’s almost as if that talk with chanyeol pushed him off the edge. i won’t lie, we were all waiting for it to happen, but to see it actually unfolding before our eyes was fucking scary. it’s like jongin just broke down one day, fell apart and never managed to put himself back together. it was… it was terrible, and i’d never wish that on anybody. ever.”
✡
what are you doing?
“i just need a way to deal with the pain. i guess if it becomes physical, if i can see the blood flowing and feel the razor tearing my skin apart, it’ll take my mind off what’s inside. it’ll help me forget about that black hole inside of me, growing bigger and trying to rip me apart.”
no. don’t. please, stop.
“sorry, but no. i can’t.”
come on, jongin. you didn’t used to be like this.
“well, that was before you went and fucking left!”
one long slash across his wrist, metal teeth biting in and ripping him apart seam by seam. it hurts and stings like a bitch, it does, but jongin throws his whole mind into believing that this pain is better than the pain in his heart any day. listlessly, he watches as the thick red blood flows out from the slash, rolling languidly and splashing down onto the white ceramic tiles of the bathroom. suddenly, a thought hits him and he calls out frantically, not caring if anyone hears and wakes up. after all, this is ten times more important than his family’s reaction, ten times more important than anything.
“baek… was that really you? i… i thought i heard you just now. i’m sorry i yelled at you, i was just upset and defensive… baek, come back…”
“if i slash myself deeper, harder, will you come back?”
“baek, please. just… even if it’s just this once.”
(this is where he learns that bloodstains are impossibly difficult to clean up, that they leave little imprints of themselves outlined in ugly, faded red on previously-pristine floors. that they remind you of ugly, ugly things and long nights spent huddled up alone and lonely, knees pressed to chest as you try to shield yourself from thoughts of loss and fail miserably.
there is no answer. jongin doesn’t get up, doesn’t try to find a bandage to stem the flow of blood with. after all, it’s nothing big. this is only the fifty-fourth time he’s done it since baekhyun left.
drip, drip, drip.
✡
“yeah, well, his mum found him that morning on the bathroom floor. he passed out, probably from the loss of too much blood. they rushed him to hospital and he was warded for about a week, where they sent him to counselling sessions and all that shit. didn’t help much though,” kyungsoo says caustically, “because he got even worse after his hospital stay.”
“worse? what do you mean? and didn’t his parents keep a closer watch on him after that?”
“well, he became really weird. he started talking to thin air, saying that he was speaking to baekhyun but the thing is that there was nobody there at all. that wasn’t the worst part, though. the worst part was when he started becoming all nasty, like he had a split personality. like at times there would still be our jongin, the normal jongin we knew before baekhyun died, but the catch was that he was really happy. it was almost creepy, because the only time i’d ever seen him that cheerful was when he and baek were still together. but we thought that hey, any progress was good progress, right, so we just left him alone. upon hindsight, that was really stupid.
“oh, and about his parents… you know how jongin shut everyone out, right? i guess even though they loved jongin, they weren’t as persistent as we were. to them he’d given up, simple as that, and at that point in time they had other problems as well. his grandmother was recovering from a stroke and his dad had just lost his job, so they redirected their attention to other problems.”
✡
“hey from the hospital, you’ll never guess how i ended up here. god, my life is such a fucking mess right now, but… but i’m sure it’ll get better if you just came back! please, baek, just come back, just once -“
“the nurse they assigned to me is pretty, you know. but you’re prettier, the way you show your pointed teeth when you smile, the way you touch your hair forty-something times a day to make sure it’s still styled up perfectly, the way you like to lie on my shoulder on the bus and go to sleep until you reach your stop.”
“baek, i’m not stupid, i’m pretty sure i heard you talk to me that night in the bathroom. you got me into this mess, surely you can get me out?”
these are the questions jongin asks most frequently, lying on his hospital bed looking up at the cracking white paint of the hospital ceiling. what he doesn’t expect, though, is to hear a ghostly reply looming up from the depths of his mind.
what the fuck do you want?
it’s baekhyun, but at the same time not. it’s baekhyun’s voice, that deep husky timbre and the sassy tone of voice, but the words aren’t baekhyun’s. they’re too rough, too angry for his baekhyun, but jongin will gladly take whatever he can get.
“baekhyun? is that really you?” his voice trembles, unable to believe it. he doesn’t care if anyone says he’s crazy, doesn’t care if anyone screams at him for talking to an intangible being in his head.
of course it’s me. duh.
“i’m so glad, you have no idea how terrible it was when i lost you -“
there is a possibility of baekhyun, and that’s all that matters.
✡
“here comes the part which is scary as fuck. at times it seemed like there was another boy living inside jongin, and that boy was really nasty. he called himself ‘kai’ and demanded we all do the same, said hurtful things, deliberately did things he knew would hurt people and basically didn’t act like our jongin at all. we tried talking to him nicely, yelling at him… he and sehun got into a fight that one time and jongin was beaten up real badly, but he just continued being that mysterious asshole. we put it down to so many things - post traumatic stress disorder, angst, loss… but it got to the point where we couldn’t make excuses for him anymore, yet nothing we did or said seemed to work, so i guess we just… gave up.” the last part is said in an ashamed whisper, kyungsoo’s eyes darting up down left right and refusing to meet junmyeon’s.
“it’s okay. it’s understandable, actually. i’m not sure how long i would have held out if i were in your place,” junmyeon says kindly, and kyungsoo looks up in surprise.
“thank you, kyungsoo. thank your friends for me too, okay? if you guys hadn’t tried, jongin might be worse than he is now.”
“yeah,” kyungsoo replies, furiously blinking back tears. he looks up with junmyeon with eyes suspiciously bright and nods before saying in a shaky voice, “make sure you try your best to cure our jongin, okay? he’s - he’s really precious to all of us, and we’d really like him back.”
“i - yeah, i promise. i’ll try my best.”
“thank you, doctor.” and with that kyungsoo smiles and gets up to leave, closing the door quietly behind him.
looks like it’s time to schedule another appointment with jongin.
✡
on their third meeting, jongin doesn’t come in as jongin. he comes in as kai, dark eyes hooded and broiling with storms full of unsaid, angry words. junmyeon sighs. he can tell that today’s appointment isn’t going to go smoothly, what with the way kai’s lips seem to be sewn tightly shut, but then again he’s surprised that kai even bothered showing up in the first place to begin with.
“what do you want?” kai asks curtly, almost as if he’s trying to fight the words from escaping. he remains standing while junmyeon sits in his swivel chair, like he’s trying to intimidate junmyeon with the advantage of being taller, of being bigger.
“let’s just have a chat, shall we?” junmyeon tries his best to smile kindly at kai, wanting desperately to reach out to the scared boy he knows is still trapped inside somewhere.
kai eyes him with distrust, but he doesn’t make any move to leave the office. instead, he throws himself down into the chair opposite, glowering at junmyeon all the while.
“so, baekhyun,” junmyeon begins conversationally. he doesn’t get far before kai interrupts, eyes narrowed into suspicious slits.
“excuse me? i’m kai.”
“don’t do that, it’s not a good look on you. now, as i was saying, hey baekhyun. don’t you think it’s time to leave jongin alone for a while?”
“no.” the word is spat out, contempt and disgust evident in that lone monosyllable.
“why not?”
“because he loves me! he wants me to be around, wants me to be by his side. and because i love him, i do as he asks. that’s love, isn’t it? trying to make the person you love happy?” kai blinks back tears and his voice cracks with emotion, eyelids fluttering open and closed rapidly to try and keep the tidal wave at bay. junmyeon’s so confused, because what the hell is happening? who is the “he” kai is referring to - baekhyun or himself?
this is getting more and more complicated by the minute, and it’s something even i’m not sure i can solve.
“you love him, don’t you? it’s time to let him go, baekhyun. clinging on to him like this, that isn’t loving him. holding him back, making him hurt himself, that isn’t loving him. if you love him as much as you say you do, leave jongin alone. he doesn’t deserve this, baekhyun, this half-assed existence he calls a life is too much for anyone to take.” junmyeon tries a reasonable approach, not sure how to treat jongin’s illness anymore when it’s progressed to this extent. at that moment he’s so exasperated with life he literally has no words - how did jongin get so deep in over his head, how did his parents not notice, how did jongin fall apart so drastically. all the questions swirl around in a maelstrom in his head, plaguing him and for a moment he’s lost in his own thoughts and almost forgets that jongin’s still sitting across from him, struggling with his own demons, fighting his own war.
then, suddenly, inspiration strikes and junmyeon knows just what to say.
“hey jongin,” he begins, addressing the shy boy he knows still lurks inside the depths of kai’s mind. “i’m talking to jongin now, the jongin with older sisters who made him play dress-up with he was a kid. the jongin who owns three poodles. the jongin who loves to dance. the jongin who goes for eating competitions with his best friend sehun. yeah, you. you know that the baekhyun you created in your head isn’t real, don’t you? he’s just a metaphor for the pain and loss you’ve been lugging around ever since he passed away. i know you’re devastated, i know you’re hurt that he left you behind, but this baekhyun is evil and nasty, he isn’t the baekhyun you’re in love with. come on, jongin, snap out of it, okay? leave all the pain behind and learn to let go, and you’ll be fine.”
and for the last part, junmyeon adds “baekhyun loved you. he wouldn’t want to see you like this, you know. the real baekhyun, the one that lives on in your memories even until today,” and watches jongin crumble all over again. still, this process is a constructive one this time - jongin will fall apart and break, but this time the two of them will put him back together piece by piece until he’s complete and whole again. this time, jongin will learn to heal, and they will do it together.
there’s no reply to his words, just a long drawn-out wail issuing from jongin’s open mouth. it’s so desperate, so broken that junmyeon thinks that it will forever be the soundtrack to any future nightmares he’ll ever have. throwing a panicked glance over at jongin, junmyeon realises that the boy’s covering his face with his hands and scrabbling at his cheeks, but those movements do nothing to hide the fact that he’s crying, sobbing so hard his whole body is shaking.
“he’s gone,” jongin whimpers, voice catching on the last word and crumbling. “i… i feel free. it’s like i’m jongin again and not kai.”
and evidently, baekhyun is gone - jongin hunches into himself now, his head down, looking beaten and afraid. jongin is now kim jongin, a scared and vulnerable boy who’s been hurt too deeply to ever recover completely, but junmyeon thinks that hopefully, maybe, one day he’ll get there. not completely, but there are always infinite possibilities and room for improvement.
junmyeon gets up and walks over to jongin’s side of the room, swivelling jongin’s chair around and pressing the boy into a tight hug, feeling the fabric of his dress shirt soak up the wetness falling from jongin’s eyes.
✡
“so, jongin, i’m going to prescribe you some pills, okay? take them twice a day with twelve hours in between. i can’t promise that your nightmares will stop and that baekhyun will disappear completely, but it’ll be good enough to keep him away so that you can function again. you have to remember to take them, okay, i can’t stress how important this is. if not, you might suffer a relapse and it’ll hit even worse than before.”
“of course,” jongin smiles tentatively, eyes darting up from beneath his fringe to peer up at junmyeon. “thank you for everything, hyung. i… i really appreciate it, i know how hard it must’ve been to deal with me when i became kai.”
“it’s no problem at all, jongin, it’s my job,” junmyeon replies, patting jongin soothingly on the back. “now, before you leave, any questions?”
“no, not really...” jongin hems and haws before caving, “will baekhyun go away completely, then, if i take the pills? that means i’ll never see him again?”
“hopefully so. that’s what you want, isn’t it?”
another laugh that sounds more like crying. “yeah. that’s - that’s what i want.”
junmyeon pretends he doesn’t hear the nostalgic little hiccup in jongin’s voice, choosing instead to busy himself with writing out the prescription.
✡
“alright, goodbye jongin! i don’t want to see you in my office ever again,” junmyeon winks at him conspiratorially, waving as the tall boy pads down the carpeted hallway in his beat-up black converse sneakers. “get better soon, okay? if you ever feel the need to visit me again, you can always make another appointment, no problem. don’t ever hesitate to ask for help.”
“okay, hyung,” jongin smiles, lifting a hand in response. “i hope i never see you again,” he replies cheekily and junmyeon rolls his eyes in exasperation before beaming at him once again and shutting the door to his office.
the grin fading off his face as the door closes, jongin continues walking down the hallway, only stopping to ask the receptionist for the nearest restroom. after entering and locking himself into a stall, he fishes around in his pocket for the transparent plastic pocket of pills before opening the bag and upending it over the toilet bowl, flushing it down the toilet hastily before he can regret his decision.
“hey, baek? can you hear me?”
end
+ I really apologise to anyone I might have offended with this fic, what with the mental illness & cutting mentioned ;___; I know those are pretty sensitive topics and I don’t know anything about psychology, please forgive me for any errors/offense!!
+ I wanted to talk about onstage kai and offstage jongin right like a sort of character study kind of thing but then uh this plot happened idk. also I wanted to write lukai but then…. baekai happened
+ clarification if needed: the first meeting in junmyeon’s office happened when jongin was still himself, still capable of rational thought. that was one of the last times he was rly himself. then, as the fic progressed, he started missing baekhyun more and more, hence deluding himself into thinking that ‘baekhyun’ was rly in his mind when actually, it was his brain twisting reality and making up a figure that didn’t exist bc jongin just missed baek too much. yeah and then at the end, I guess jongin just didn’t like the idea of baek leaving him forever, even if it wasn’t the real baekhyun. jongin is a real insecure kid, okay, don’t judge him. he’s sad enough.
+ this fic was a monster to write. I began this on 8th dec and what it’s been almost 3 weeks of keyboard smashing /kicks
au, angst, horror | jongin is afraid of two things - solitude, and darkness.[warnings]
character death, mentions of cutting
disclaimer: please read the warnings and don’t open the link if you’re uncomfortable with anything!
✡
“hey, yeah, good morning. my name is kim jongin. your nameplate reads ‘kim junmyeon’, so tell me, what should i call you? would you rather i called you junmyeon-sshi? or maybe even junmyeon-hyung? anything else you’d like me to address you by?”
“morning jongin, i don’t really care what you call me. you can call me whatever you’re most comfortable with, so that’s really up to you to decide.”
“okay. i’ll just call you junmyeon-hyung then, junmyeon-sshi sounds really weird and formal. you don’t mind, right?
“nope, it’s totally fine. anyway, before we begin, i need to ask you a few basic questions, okay? just so we can get to know each other, like a self-introduction kind of thing. i’ll go first. i’m kim junmyeon, your doctor, and i’m twenty-four this year. graduated early from med school,” he laughs and explains at jongin’s ‘whoa’ of admiration. “i guess i just want to say that i’m here to help you in any way i can, so don’t be afraid to open up or confide in me, okay?”
“you seem nice, hyung. i’m kim jongin, and… wait, how old am i again? i know this seems like a really stupid question, but there’s something in my brain that tells me i’m nineteen. it’s instinctive, like i don’t even need to think, but then there’s this little seed of doubt that makes me question that instinct of mine. so what am i? twenty? eighteen? seventeen…?” panicked breaths, teetering on the edge of hyperventilation.
a moment of surprise from the flustered junmyeon, rapidly forced down and controlled. “hey, jongin, calm down and look at me, alright? you were born on the day of 14th january 1994, so we can safely conclude that you’re nineteen this year. just in case you need to refresh your memory, it’s the 27th of december today, and the year is 2013.”
thank goodness, the spark of panic is doused, just in the nick of time. “whew. thanks doc. almost lost track there for a moment, and that wouldn’t have been pretty, eh?” self-deprecating laughs from jongin, nervous laughter from junmyeon. there is no suitable answer to that question, so junmyeon doesn’t even try.
“anyway, i… i’ve got a pretty cool family. my parents are pretty supportive of whatever i choose to pick up, so i guess i’m lucky. i’ve got two older sisters too, they’re really nice. sure, they were pretty clique-y when we were growing up, but that’s expected since they were all girls and i was the only boy. i’m glad they included me in their games, though, even if it meant i had to dress up as a prince and rescue one of them from their imaginary castles.” short bursts of laughter, but at least the ones this time are more genuine than the sardonic chuckles from before.
“it’s nice to hear that you have such a loving family,” junmyeon says gently, choosing to gloss over the mention of that mysterious ‘him’. he’ll get to that later, definitely, but for now he’ll just focus on putting jongin at ease so that the boy will be more liable to open up later on. “and what are your hobbies and dislikes, jongin?”
“aw, that’s easy. i like - no, wait, more like i used to like - dancing and skating. dancing because, well, i liked being able to move to the rhythms any way i liked, and express myself without even needing to use words. pretty cool, eh? i was even good at it, you know, won a few competitions back then… nationals and interschools and whatnot…” faltering, spacing out for a while, almost as if jongin’s searching for memories that don’t exist, trying to recall things that have been blacked out.
“earth to jongin, earth to jongin,” junmyeon calls, noticing the warning signs and rapidly bringing the topic back to safe ground. “tell me why you like skating?”
“well, skating was a way to relax. not to say that dance wasn’t fun - it was, just that sometimes it got stressful and i needed a way to get rid from all of it. like, there were those certain periods of time where dance became competition routines and something that was too carefully choreographed, too perfect, and i didn’t like it. i liked dancing freestyle, because that was where i could truly be myself? where the raw essence of kim jongin showed itself instead of masquerading behind rehearsed movements. so yeah, skating gave me an outlet for all of that, and i liked skating. wait, did i say that already?”
“hm. you don’t like perfect things, jongin?” junmyeon asks tactfully, choosing to ignore jongin’s rambling. almost unconsciously, junmyeon begins tapping his pen thoughtfully on the polished wooden surface of the table, giving himself something to do as he tries to catch up with jongin’s line of thinking.
tap, tap, tap -
“would you please stop that?” jongin asks, his voice pleasant, but there’s an undercurrent of sheer panic and desperation. almost as if the sound, so insignificant in junmyeon’s daily life, disturbs him greatly. then again, junmyeon thinks grimly, most patients do get greatly upset at little things. jongin is no different.
“sure, if it disturbs you.”
“thanks. and anyway, yeah. i - i don’t trust them. i don’t trust perfect people,” jongin chokes, almost as if there’s a torrent of words fighting to be let out. go slow, junmyeon warns him, and jongin takes a deep breath as if trying to press them all back down.
“okay, jongin. tell me why you don’t trust perfection. surely we all want to be… perfect? even if you don’t crave it, surely you want to know what it’s like?” jongin’s clenched knuckles are white from the force he’s exerting on the armrests of the chair, nails digging into the leather, almost as if he’s trying hard to control himself and not explode right there and then.
“no! stop fucking talking about perfection, it’s not as good as you think it is. why does everyone want it? you don’t fucking know the price you have to pay for it, it’s not fucking funny anymore -” angry words swallowing themselves up, red face and veins protruding under the surface of skin stretched thin over brittle bone.
“calming breaths, jongin, and you’ll be fine.” junmyeon says, in a measured voice that betrays little to no emotion of his own.
“yeah. yeah. deep breaths, and i’ll be fine.” jongin parrots, visibly gulping down large swallows of air and exhaling just as quickly. it’s both disconcerting and uncomfortable for junmyeon to watch, because jongin is gasping as if he’s experiencing a lack of oxygen, almost as if he’s a literal fish out of water. just as quickly as the little panic attack comes, however, it disappears, jongin’s breathing rate regulating as he calms down remarkably fast.
“got it all under control?” junmyeon smiles kindly, but inside he’s wondering what the fuck is wrong, what happened in his head to make him go back to normal so quickly. still, jongin’s nodding, although his face is still kind of pale and his mouth stretched in a straight line instead of curving up at the corners like it did when he was talking about things that made him happy. noting all these little details down, junmyeon surmises that they must be getting closer and closer to the heart of the problem, the reason why jongin’s even in his office in the first place, and junmyeon can’t help but wonder how bad it is.
okay, enough with the speculation. patient first, questions later. leaning forward, trying to catch jongin’s eye. “so, jongin, now comes the hard part. i know you don’t like talking about it, but i believe in putting everything out there so others can help you, alright?”
earnest nods and a slightly subdued ‘yes hyung’. not exactly the most encouraging response, but at this stage any response is good response and junmyeon will take whatever he can get.
“so, jongin, tell me. what are you scared of?”
“it’s kind of a long story, you sure you wanna hear it?”
“go on, we’ve got all the time in the world.”
“okay. see, i’m scared of two things, mainly. the first one is darkness, and it’s kind of stupid because everyone’s expected to grow out of that childhood fear, right? yeah, well, not me. there’s just something about everything being black, not being to see anything -“ shudders, almost as if deeply repulsed at the thought.
(offhandedly, junmyeon wonders how this kid even manages to fall asleep at night. maybe he uses three nightlights or something, that wouldn’t be a surprise. then immediately after thinking that, he berates himself for being an asshole and laughing at jongin’s fears.)
“the second thing i’m scared of, though, is solitude.” here, junmyeon perks up, because this is one uncommon fear jongin has.
“you don’t like being alone?”
“well, it’s nice at times when you want peace and quiet to yourself. it’s just that when it’s dark and i’m alone in my room, he comes along. i’ve tried nightlights and shutting my eyes tight and basically just about everything, but somehow he always finds a way to break through my defences. i shut my eyes, he appears behind closed eyelids. i switch on nightlights, he appears anyway. i fall asleep with others, he appears only to me instead of them as well. i hate it, hyung, fucking hate it, please make it stop.” the words are hurled out at him with unnatural rage and desperation, cartwheeling towards junmyeon with the force of a thousand knives and spears. and yet behind the fury-filled syllables, there is an undeniable plea, a vulnerable boy begging for solace and respite, and junmyeon’s heart softens.
“we’ll all try our best to help, but you need to tell us what’s going on. right from the start, don’t leave anything out. okay?”
jongin takes another of those deep shuddering breaths, the ones that get under junmyeon’s skin and rattle his bones with the sheer brokenness of it.
“yeah. okay.”
“that’s right,” junmyeon smiles encouragingly. “now how about we start from the beginning, and you tell me about those fears of yours?
“this is going to be kind of really awkward, but you won’t judge me anyway, right?” reassuring nods and another calm smile. a quick, relieved smile on jongin’s part, just barely enough to show that he’s been assuaged. not fully at ease, but loosened up enough so that he can tell junmyeon what exactly has been going on. taking a deep breath, jongin launches into his story, and junmyeon can’t help but get sucked in. not because he’s jongin’s psychiatrist and he needs to listen just so he can diagnose what’s wrong with him, but rather because jongin’s story is unusual and compelling, all in the wrong ways, and it’s certainly not a disorder or mental illness that junmyeon’s dealt with before.
✡
“i used to be a happy child. one of the popular kids in high school with a clique of fast friends. it’s strange how i can’t remember my age but i can still remember their names, eh? they were sehun, yixing, kyungsoo, zitao - kyungsoo’s the only one who knows about this whole problem with him though, he’s the only one i ever told. it’s sad that we don’t keep in contact anymore; all of my friends kinda faded away into obscurity as he got closer and closer. i was a boy who had a dream in mind, like i wanted to be a professional dancer someday, since i loved dancing and i wasn’t too bad at it either. my dance teacher told me i had the natural flair, knew which movements looked good and which didn’t. i was also pretty much all-rounded - my grades were okay, i had a talent for dancing, blah blah blah.”
“sounds like you were quite the star, eh?”
a laugh that sounds a lot more like crying than anything.
“yeah. i guess you could say that. i miss that sometimes, you know. more than you’d think.”
✡
the most important part of the story, however, is that kim jongin was undoubtedly a boy with a good heart. everyone who’d ever met him always used the same word to describe him - nice. cheerful, sincere, always willing to help anyone, regardless of whether they were his friends or not.
“maybe that was my downfall in the end, you know. maybe that was the hamartia baekhyun hadn’t hesitated to capitalise on and exploit.”
✡
“you’ve never mentioned this baekhyun before, care to tell me who he is?” junmyeon leans forward slightly, attempting to lessen the distance between him and jongin. this could be it, could be the very crux of the problem. get straight to the heart of it and this could be our best shot at fixing it.
“he’s a monster!” jongin yells vehemently, slamming the surface of the table with clenched fists. he doesn’t seem to feel the pain, too caught up in seemingly bad memories and nightmares, so junmyeon swallows his concerns, leans back and lets him talk.
“i used to think he was beautiful, you know? it was weird, because he didn’t have any defining feature that made me think that way. it was just the way he was put together, the way all his features gelled together into this perfect composition, and he drew me in the moment i first saw him. he was perfect, and… perfect, yeah, perfect.”
tell me, jongin, is this why you don’t like perfection?
“when did you first see him?”
“you know,” jongin pauses, looks junmyeon right in the eye and the look there chills him right to the bone. there’s no more life left in jongin’s eyes, all deadened and totally black, no hint of the vibrancy that was there when jongin had talked about his family. “that’s a good question. it was so long ago, i don’t even remember anymore. all i know is that he’s been plaguing me for really long.”
“okay. well, i guess you could tell me more about what baekhyun does? anything he says to get you upset?”
“it’s not really specific things he says, or does… it’s more of how he’s always there, in my head, watching me? watching how i go through life, scrutinizing my each and every move, and it’s fucking creepy and stressful to have him always there. he always whispers to tell me what i should do, and most of the time his suggestions aren’t exactly very nice. they… he makes me hurt people, makes me forget who i am. and i shouldn’t even be telling you this, he could be listening in right now, but i’m so fucking sick and tired of his shit that i just can’t live with him any longer -“ a sudden silence with jongin’s voice trailing off abruptly, his head cocked to one side.
junmyeon realises with horror that jongin seems like he’s listening to something, to a voice only he seems to be able to hear. that voice in his head.
all off a sudden jongin cringes and reaches up with both hands to cradle his head, almost as if he’d sustained a violent physical blow from out of nowhere. leaning forward hastily, junmyeon tries to reach forth and check for any physical injury, but jongin’s already curled in on himself, elbows on his knees in a foetal position and junmyeon can’t help but be reminded of a wounded animal.
and yet now something’s changed, jongin’s suddenly okay again, straightening up like nothing ever happened and speaking, voice detached and clinical. jongin’s eyes rove over junmyeon disinterestedly, almost as if he’s been surveyed and found lacking.
doesn’t matter what the fuck just happened. i need to gauge his response, need to see what this new aspect of his personality is like.
“i’ve got to be going, looks like the time for my appointment is up. see you next week, junmyeon-sshi.” with that, jongin gets up and leaves without so much as a ‘goodbye’ or ‘it was nice to meet you’, stalking towards the door with a self-confidence that was missing from the cowed boy who had entered the office timidly at the start of the session.
“jongin, wait! before you go, i just have one more question.” more disinterested stares, but at least jongin isn’t strutting right out of the door and slamming it in his face. junmyeon banks his trust on the fact that there’s still a little bit of jongin in there, counts on the hope that jongin can still hear him even through this supposed ‘baekhyun’.
“hurry up old man, i’m kind of in a hurry to get out of this lame office. and don’t call me jongin, i’m kai. i’d tell you not to forget it, but that seems like a waste of breath since you’re obviously ancient and probably have short-term memory as well,” kai laughs, but there’s no joy or humour in it. instead, the sound is dry and menacing, like he’s trying to intimidate junmyeon into acquiescing to him.
“do you have an emergency contact i could call? you know, just in case you’re ever in trouble or something like that.” junmyeon pretends not to hear, letting the venomous words roll off him like insignificant water droplets.
“i really don’t see how that’s any of your business,” kai snarls, obviously pissed off that his teasing hasn’t gotten under junmyeon’s skin.
“well, as your psychiatrist, i really need those contact details. for example, if anything happens to you in my office, i need to know how to get in touch with people who know how to help you medically -“
“you’re so fucking annoying, just shut the fuck up. i don’t need your help, okay? i’m totally fine as it is, and i’d appreciate if you stopped poking around in my head.” with those words, jongin crosses the remaining distance to the door in two large strides, yanks it open and slams it shut. hard.
in the silence of the aftermath, junmyeon shakes his head and sighs. he opens up jongin’s patient file and stares at the information sheet inside, looking up the emergency contact number already listed inside. after he’s taken note of the number, he stares at the closed door and wonders if perhaps this baekhyun isn’t just a figment of jongin’s imagination, if perhaps this baekhyun is more real than expected (or at least, jongin perceives him to be real). it’s a scary thought.
✡
one week later, jongin is back in the chair opposite junmyeon’s, head hanging and a little thinner than before. he looks up, and junmyeon is afraid - the face who looks up is gaunt, dark skin stretched way too tightly over bone, eyes large in the pale face.
“looks like you haven’t been sleeping well,” junmyeon begins gently, trying to ease jongin into opening up.
“yeah,” jongin nods, but then his lips purse and he clams up, refusing to say anything more.
“baekhyun again?”
another tentative nod of the head, but nothing more is said on the subject.
“tell me who’s kai?”
“he’s… he’s my alter ego. it’s like when baekhyun comes, he makes everyone around me call him kai. i don’t like kai, he isn’t me, baekhyun tainted everything. he spoilt it, you know. i used to love the name back when we were still - anyway, i used to love the name so much back then, it was insane. things are different now, though. he ruined everything,” jongin finishes moodily, picking uneasily at a loose thread in his jeans, refusing to meet junmyeon’s gaze.
✡
“you have a beautiful voice, you know. you should really sing more often, i’d listen to you anytime.”
“thanks,” and a shy little smile, showing rows of perfectly aligned little teeth. “you know… when i was young, i had dreams of becoming a singer. still want to.”
“wow. you’d make it big, i know you would. and i’d be your fanboy and go to all your concerts! you have to save me front row seats, okay?”
“are you sure anyone would come to my show?” softer now, a little insecure, doubts clouding the stars in his eyes.
“of course. there’d be crowds of people all stomping on each other in the moshpit, rows of screaming fans all over the stadium, and then there’d be me in the front row, holding up an embarrassing LED sign that says ‘byun baekhyun, i love you!’ with a huge neon pink heart at the back.”
“stupid,” baekhyun teases and elbows him gently in the gut, hard enough to feel but not hard enough to hurt. “fine then, promise me you’ll be my biggest fanboy no matter what.”
jongin smiles. “i promise. oh, and by the way, you should have a cool stage name, you know, for when you perform!”
“byun baekhyun is cool enough, thank you very much,” the other boy replies as he gives jongin the stink-eye. jongin pretends to cower, but a mock-angry baekhyun is actually really cute and not threatening at all. still, jongin will never tell him that, because baekhyun would totally flip out and start raging about jongin needs to take him seriously. ugh, teenage musicians and all their moodswings.
“fine, then what about me?” jongin pouts, making baekhyun laugh and lean over to slap him lightly on his chest.
“kim jongin…? you can be kai, like the ocean. strong, beautiful, untouchable.”
“yeah. yeah, that would be nice. and you can be my byun baekhyun.”
baekhyun laughs and pretends to puke, overcome by the cheesiness. “okay, you sappy kid. you’ll go be kai, i’ll be your byun baekhyun.”
✡
it’s an uncomfortable hour spent in silence, with jongin refusing to disclose anything no matter how much junmyeon prods and pokes at him. every time he mentions the words ‘baekhyun’, jongin flinches unconsciously, almost as if afraid of a blow. when the time is up, jongin gets up and stumbles to the door, absolutely lacking any grace or balance whatsoever. helplessly, junmyeon watches him go without a word.
after jongin leaves the office, junmyeon decides that something more has to be done. he opens up jongin’s patient file again, searches for the emergency contact listed there and keys it into his iphone before dialling the number.
[11:36] calling: do kyungsoo.
✡
knock, knock. “come in!”
“good morning,” junmyeon smiles, greeting the boy with wide eyes and heart-shaped lips who’s just entered his office. he stops to wonder why kyungsoo looks so scared of him when he’s not actually very intimidating, but after the meeting with kyungsoo he realises kyungsoo pretty much looks like that all the time.
“jongin told me you’re the only one out of all his friends who knows about baekhyun. now, i need you to tell me everything you know about it - how it started, when it started, how it’s affected jongin.”
“i’ll tell you on one condition - don’t ever let jongin know i was here. the normal jongin wouldn’t have minded, i think, because this is for his own good and we all really just want to help him. but after baekhyun, jongin was never really the same, he became a lot more paranoid and it scared us. a lot.”
“you have my word,” junmyeon replies and kyungsoo nods, takes a deep breath, and starts to talk.
✡
jongin had met baekhyun a year ago, when baekhyun had transferred to their school right bang in the middle of the school year. apparently baekhyun’s dad’s job brought the family around korea a lot, and baekhyun never really had a place to settle down in. yet somehow, he’d found jongin’s group of friends and settled right in as if he’d belonged there from the start, befriending everyone with an ease that seemed as if it stemmed right from their childhood days.
“hey, my name is baekhyun. byun baekhyun. i came over from busan because my dad’s boss transferred him over here, so yeah well, here i am! i hope all of you will treat me well and that we’ll become friends soon,” baekhyun finishes his self-introduction with a bow, resulting in the bored applause of thirty-plus teenagers.
“isn’t that nice,” the teacher beams, clapping politely. “i hope all of you will make baekhyun feel at home, it can’t be easy having to transfer to another school in the middle of the year. jongin, why don’t you take him under your wing for a bit? show him around the school, bring him up to date about the lessons, et cetera.”
“sure,” jongin smiles, all easy and natural, and baekhyun can’t help the answering grin that appears on his face.
✡
it was a mystery to everyone as to how come jongin and baekhyun got along so well, since both of their personalities were pretty much polar opposites. jongin, although popular and well-liked, was at heart an introvert. he didn’t go out of his way to meet new people or socialise, instead seeming to attract others to him effortlessly. on the other hand baekhyun was outgoing and cheerful, flitting around from clique to clique like a true social butterfly. he could strike up a conversation with anyone, but his closest friend was jongin and that was pretty much unquestionable with the way they always drifted back to each other by the end of the day.
no matter how many times people tried to pull them apart or interfere, jongin and baekhyun were always inseparable.
✡
“i guess the reason why they fell in love was because they started off as friends,” kyungsoo muses, much to junmyeon’s bemusement.
“they were in love? what do you mean?”
“exactly what i just said, doc - they were in love. it was as simple as that. jongin was obviously besotted with baekhyun - i mean, who wouldn’t be, that boy soon became as popular as jongin was - but the best part was that baekhyun was equally as besotted with him too.”
✡
“you see me for who i truly am,” baekhyun shrugs when jongin asks why baekhyun would like him. “with you, i don’t need to pretend. i don’t need to laugh at anyone else’s jokes or make witty comments at the right times. i don’t need to pretend to like the ‘popular’ things, like which football team trashed who during last night’s match and which video game just came out.”
“so it’s not because i’m that popular kid everyone wants?” jongin laughs, flexing his biceps to show off his muscles and making baekhyun giggle as well.
“no, you dork. none of that popular-kid personality comes through when you’re with me. to me you’re just kim jongin, the boy who sees through that tough personality i put up to hide against the world.”
“just kim jongin,” jongin repeats. “yeah, i like the sound of that.”
i can be your kim jongin forever, if you’d let me.
“you’ll always be just kim jongin to me, even if you do become kai someday.” baekhyun grins, all teeth with his eyes scrunched up, and jongin chuckles and leans over to ruffle his hair affectionately.
“forever’s a long time, you know. don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“yeah. i know. but hey, who said i can’t keep that promise? we’ll have forever, trust me,” he says confidently, and jongin believes him just because he’s baekhyun, and jongin will trust baekhyun for as long as he needs to.
stupid, stupid baekhyun. foolish, naïve byun baekhyun.
✡
“i thought you said we had forever. why’d you lie?”
baekhyun doesn’t answer, because he’s lying cold and stiff in the muddy ground still wet from the recent spring shower. only the howling wind answers, only the ruffling of flower bouquets against hard concrete tombstones makes a sound.
“i miss you, you know. so much.”
“the dreams haven’t gotten better. every night you’re there, and i run to you and hug you and say i’ll never let you go. i make you promises i can keep, see. you smile and say okay, say that you’ll never leave, but sooner or later you just - you just fade away and i’m left holding nothing. and then i wake up screaming and crying, and that’s the nightmare. the nightmare lies in waking up and realising that you’re no longer by my side.”
“you know what i miss most about us? it’s that i never got a chance to say goodbye. i never got the chance to give you one last kiss or hug, never got the chance to fully experience how much i like feeling you smile against my lips or how you like to press further into me when i give you a hug. i never got the chance to hear your voice one last time, to see you sass me again. baek, if you were going to leave, at least give me a warning, so that i’d know… at least give me a warning, so that i’d remember every single thing about you on your last day. at least warn me before disappearing like that, baek. at least tell me…”
“i don’t think i’ll ever forgive the douchebag who ran that red light. people say i should, but i don’t think i can. it’s hard.”
“i don’t know why i come here every day and talk to you, anyway. there’s never any answer.”
…
“i miss you, byun baekhyun. so fucking much.”
✡
“he never really got over baekhyun’s death, you know. there was a period of time he was grieving, since the loss was new and real and fresh and all that. he stopped eating, only drank water and practically dragged himself through school. jongin became so much like a zombie, but nobody dared mention it for fear of upsetting him further and tipping him off the edge or something. he did enough of that by himself, and he didn’t need anyone’s help with that. at least, that’s what we all thought, so we just kind of hovered around him, like we were all on tenterhooks. never once did we ask him what was going on and - god, why were we so fucking stupid. we should have noticed. we should have known.”
✡
“you’re getting way too thin,” sehun laughs, bumping jongin with a bony elbow, but that’s not for lack of food - everyone in their group has been a firsthand witness to how sehun practically inhales food like it’s air. even now, jongin can see the undisguised worry in sehun’s eyes (it’s not hard, it’s practically screaming out at him). “been on a diet?”
“nah,” he replies, shaking his head. “i guess i’m just not hungry.”
he knows that his apathetic response has hit sehun when he gasps in mock horror, clutching his chest. after all, jongin used to be just like sehun - absolute black holes for food, anytime, anywhere.
“kim jongin, not hungry? something must have gone wrong in the world for this catastrophe to happen.”
“yeah, something major did go wrong in the world,” jongin repeats in a dry voice. sehun’s eyes light up, thinking he’s about to make a joke, thinking that maybe jongin’s on the road to getting better, but his next words leave sehun silent and totally lacking laughter.
“baekhyun left. and that’s why i don’t feel like there’s anything worth living for anymore.”
✡
“where did those scratches on your wrist come from?” his mother asks, pulling up his sleeve and exposing the angry red marks glaring back.
“just a neighbourhood cat deciding to go all batshit crazy on me when i wanted to stroke it,” jongin lies through his teeth easily. “don’t worry about it.”
he doesn’t mention the bloodied razor lying innocently in the first drawer of his room, because some things take way too much effort to explain. he hasn’t exactly felt like very energetic lately.
✡
“jongin was like that for awhile. we tried to talk to him, tried to break through the shell he imprisoned himself in, but none of us ever got through. we tried bringing him out of the house, you know, to places like amusement parks and shopping malls and basically just anywhere - we just wanted to get him to forget his troubles for a bit and just be happy. it never worked though, he said that they all reminded him of baekhyun in one way or another. in fact, almost everyfuckingthing seemed to remind him of baekhyun, and it was so ridiculous but so, so sad at the same time.”
✡
“we all miss him, you know,” chanyeol says to jongin one day, his long arm draped over his shoulders as he tries to offer some semblance of support.
“yeah, i know.” jongin replies, staring blankly at some spot across the pond. “it’s just that i miss him a lot more than you guys would think.”
“jongin…” chanyeol begins, but jongin’s already retreating, running away from him in long strides.
sorry, chanyeol. i know you’re trying, i know you guys are all trying, but i need to get away from this. i need a break. i need baekhyun.
✡
“it’s almost as if that talk with chanyeol pushed him off the edge. i won’t lie, we were all waiting for it to happen, but to see it actually unfolding before our eyes was fucking scary. it’s like jongin just broke down one day, fell apart and never managed to put himself back together. it was… it was terrible, and i’d never wish that on anybody. ever.”
✡
what are you doing?
“i just need a way to deal with the pain. i guess if it becomes physical, if i can see the blood flowing and feel the razor tearing my skin apart, it’ll take my mind off what’s inside. it’ll help me forget about that black hole inside of me, growing bigger and trying to rip me apart.”
no. don’t. please, stop.
“sorry, but no. i can’t.”
come on, jongin. you didn’t used to be like this.
“well, that was before you went and fucking left!”
one long slash across his wrist, metal teeth biting in and ripping him apart seam by seam. it hurts and stings like a bitch, it does, but jongin throws his whole mind into believing that this pain is better than the pain in his heart any day. listlessly, he watches as the thick red blood flows out from the slash, rolling languidly and splashing down onto the white ceramic tiles of the bathroom. suddenly, a thought hits him and he calls out frantically, not caring if anyone hears and wakes up. after all, this is ten times more important than his family’s reaction, ten times more important than anything.
“baek… was that really you? i… i thought i heard you just now. i’m sorry i yelled at you, i was just upset and defensive… baek, come back…”
“if i slash myself deeper, harder, will you come back?”
“baek, please. just… even if it’s just this once.”
(this is where he learns that bloodstains are impossibly difficult to clean up, that they leave little imprints of themselves outlined in ugly, faded red on previously-pristine floors. that they remind you of ugly, ugly things and long nights spent huddled up alone and lonely, knees pressed to chest as you try to shield yourself from thoughts of loss and fail miserably.
there is no answer. jongin doesn’t get up, doesn’t try to find a bandage to stem the flow of blood with. after all, it’s nothing big. this is only the fifty-fourth time he’s done it since baekhyun left.
drip, drip, drip.
✡
“yeah, well, his mum found him that morning on the bathroom floor. he passed out, probably from the loss of too much blood. they rushed him to hospital and he was warded for about a week, where they sent him to counselling sessions and all that shit. didn’t help much though,” kyungsoo says caustically, “because he got even worse after his hospital stay.”
“worse? what do you mean? and didn’t his parents keep a closer watch on him after that?”
“well, he became really weird. he started talking to thin air, saying that he was speaking to baekhyun but the thing is that there was nobody there at all. that wasn’t the worst part, though. the worst part was when he started becoming all nasty, like he had a split personality. like at times there would still be our jongin, the normal jongin we knew before baekhyun died, but the catch was that he was really happy. it was almost creepy, because the only time i’d ever seen him that cheerful was when he and baek were still together. but we thought that hey, any progress was good progress, right, so we just left him alone. upon hindsight, that was really stupid.
“oh, and about his parents… you know how jongin shut everyone out, right? i guess even though they loved jongin, they weren’t as persistent as we were. to them he’d given up, simple as that, and at that point in time they had other problems as well. his grandmother was recovering from a stroke and his dad had just lost his job, so they redirected their attention to other problems.”
✡
“hey from the hospital, you’ll never guess how i ended up here. god, my life is such a fucking mess right now, but… but i’m sure it’ll get better if you just came back! please, baek, just come back, just once -“
“the nurse they assigned to me is pretty, you know. but you’re prettier, the way you show your pointed teeth when you smile, the way you touch your hair forty-something times a day to make sure it’s still styled up perfectly, the way you like to lie on my shoulder on the bus and go to sleep until you reach your stop.”
“baek, i’m not stupid, i’m pretty sure i heard you talk to me that night in the bathroom. you got me into this mess, surely you can get me out?”
these are the questions jongin asks most frequently, lying on his hospital bed looking up at the cracking white paint of the hospital ceiling. what he doesn’t expect, though, is to hear a ghostly reply looming up from the depths of his mind.
what the fuck do you want?
it’s baekhyun, but at the same time not. it’s baekhyun’s voice, that deep husky timbre and the sassy tone of voice, but the words aren’t baekhyun’s. they’re too rough, too angry for his baekhyun, but jongin will gladly take whatever he can get.
“baekhyun? is that really you?” his voice trembles, unable to believe it. he doesn’t care if anyone says he’s crazy, doesn’t care if anyone screams at him for talking to an intangible being in his head.
of course it’s me. duh.
“i’m so glad, you have no idea how terrible it was when i lost you -“
there is a possibility of baekhyun, and that’s all that matters.
✡
“here comes the part which is scary as fuck. at times it seemed like there was another boy living inside jongin, and that boy was really nasty. he called himself ‘kai’ and demanded we all do the same, said hurtful things, deliberately did things he knew would hurt people and basically didn’t act like our jongin at all. we tried talking to him nicely, yelling at him… he and sehun got into a fight that one time and jongin was beaten up real badly, but he just continued being that mysterious asshole. we put it down to so many things - post traumatic stress disorder, angst, loss… but it got to the point where we couldn’t make excuses for him anymore, yet nothing we did or said seemed to work, so i guess we just… gave up.” the last part is said in an ashamed whisper, kyungsoo’s eyes darting up down left right and refusing to meet junmyeon’s.
“it’s okay. it’s understandable, actually. i’m not sure how long i would have held out if i were in your place,” junmyeon says kindly, and kyungsoo looks up in surprise.
“thank you, kyungsoo. thank your friends for me too, okay? if you guys hadn’t tried, jongin might be worse than he is now.”
“yeah,” kyungsoo replies, furiously blinking back tears. he looks up with junmyeon with eyes suspiciously bright and nods before saying in a shaky voice, “make sure you try your best to cure our jongin, okay? he’s - he’s really precious to all of us, and we’d really like him back.”
“i - yeah, i promise. i’ll try my best.”
“thank you, doctor.” and with that kyungsoo smiles and gets up to leave, closing the door quietly behind him.
looks like it’s time to schedule another appointment with jongin.
✡
on their third meeting, jongin doesn’t come in as jongin. he comes in as kai, dark eyes hooded and broiling with storms full of unsaid, angry words. junmyeon sighs. he can tell that today’s appointment isn’t going to go smoothly, what with the way kai’s lips seem to be sewn tightly shut, but then again he’s surprised that kai even bothered showing up in the first place to begin with.
“what do you want?” kai asks curtly, almost as if he’s trying to fight the words from escaping. he remains standing while junmyeon sits in his swivel chair, like he’s trying to intimidate junmyeon with the advantage of being taller, of being bigger.
“let’s just have a chat, shall we?” junmyeon tries his best to smile kindly at kai, wanting desperately to reach out to the scared boy he knows is still trapped inside somewhere.
kai eyes him with distrust, but he doesn’t make any move to leave the office. instead, he throws himself down into the chair opposite, glowering at junmyeon all the while.
“so, baekhyun,” junmyeon begins conversationally. he doesn’t get far before kai interrupts, eyes narrowed into suspicious slits.
“excuse me? i’m kai.”
“don’t do that, it’s not a good look on you. now, as i was saying, hey baekhyun. don’t you think it’s time to leave jongin alone for a while?”
“no.” the word is spat out, contempt and disgust evident in that lone monosyllable.
“why not?”
“because he loves me! he wants me to be around, wants me to be by his side. and because i love him, i do as he asks. that’s love, isn’t it? trying to make the person you love happy?” kai blinks back tears and his voice cracks with emotion, eyelids fluttering open and closed rapidly to try and keep the tidal wave at bay. junmyeon’s so confused, because what the hell is happening? who is the “he” kai is referring to - baekhyun or himself?
this is getting more and more complicated by the minute, and it’s something even i’m not sure i can solve.
“you love him, don’t you? it’s time to let him go, baekhyun. clinging on to him like this, that isn’t loving him. holding him back, making him hurt himself, that isn’t loving him. if you love him as much as you say you do, leave jongin alone. he doesn’t deserve this, baekhyun, this half-assed existence he calls a life is too much for anyone to take.” junmyeon tries a reasonable approach, not sure how to treat jongin’s illness anymore when it’s progressed to this extent. at that moment he’s so exasperated with life he literally has no words - how did jongin get so deep in over his head, how did his parents not notice, how did jongin fall apart so drastically. all the questions swirl around in a maelstrom in his head, plaguing him and for a moment he’s lost in his own thoughts and almost forgets that jongin’s still sitting across from him, struggling with his own demons, fighting his own war.
then, suddenly, inspiration strikes and junmyeon knows just what to say.
“hey jongin,” he begins, addressing the shy boy he knows still lurks inside the depths of kai’s mind. “i’m talking to jongin now, the jongin with older sisters who made him play dress-up with he was a kid. the jongin who owns three poodles. the jongin who loves to dance. the jongin who goes for eating competitions with his best friend sehun. yeah, you. you know that the baekhyun you created in your head isn’t real, don’t you? he’s just a metaphor for the pain and loss you’ve been lugging around ever since he passed away. i know you’re devastated, i know you’re hurt that he left you behind, but this baekhyun is evil and nasty, he isn’t the baekhyun you’re in love with. come on, jongin, snap out of it, okay? leave all the pain behind and learn to let go, and you’ll be fine.”
and for the last part, junmyeon adds “baekhyun loved you. he wouldn’t want to see you like this, you know. the real baekhyun, the one that lives on in your memories even until today,” and watches jongin crumble all over again. still, this process is a constructive one this time - jongin will fall apart and break, but this time the two of them will put him back together piece by piece until he’s complete and whole again. this time, jongin will learn to heal, and they will do it together.
there’s no reply to his words, just a long drawn-out wail issuing from jongin’s open mouth. it’s so desperate, so broken that junmyeon thinks that it will forever be the soundtrack to any future nightmares he’ll ever have. throwing a panicked glance over at jongin, junmyeon realises that the boy’s covering his face with his hands and scrabbling at his cheeks, but those movements do nothing to hide the fact that he’s crying, sobbing so hard his whole body is shaking.
“he’s gone,” jongin whimpers, voice catching on the last word and crumbling. “i… i feel free. it’s like i’m jongin again and not kai.”
and evidently, baekhyun is gone - jongin hunches into himself now, his head down, looking beaten and afraid. jongin is now kim jongin, a scared and vulnerable boy who’s been hurt too deeply to ever recover completely, but junmyeon thinks that hopefully, maybe, one day he’ll get there. not completely, but there are always infinite possibilities and room for improvement.
junmyeon gets up and walks over to jongin’s side of the room, swivelling jongin’s chair around and pressing the boy into a tight hug, feeling the fabric of his dress shirt soak up the wetness falling from jongin’s eyes.
✡
“so, jongin, i’m going to prescribe you some pills, okay? take them twice a day with twelve hours in between. i can’t promise that your nightmares will stop and that baekhyun will disappear completely, but it’ll be good enough to keep him away so that you can function again. you have to remember to take them, okay, i can’t stress how important this is. if not, you might suffer a relapse and it’ll hit even worse than before.”
“of course,” jongin smiles tentatively, eyes darting up from beneath his fringe to peer up at junmyeon. “thank you for everything, hyung. i… i really appreciate it, i know how hard it must’ve been to deal with me when i became kai.”
“it’s no problem at all, jongin, it’s my job,” junmyeon replies, patting jongin soothingly on the back. “now, before you leave, any questions?”
“no, not really...” jongin hems and haws before caving, “will baekhyun go away completely, then, if i take the pills? that means i’ll never see him again?”
“hopefully so. that’s what you want, isn’t it?”
another laugh that sounds more like crying. “yeah. that’s - that’s what i want.”
junmyeon pretends he doesn’t hear the nostalgic little hiccup in jongin’s voice, choosing instead to busy himself with writing out the prescription.
✡
“alright, goodbye jongin! i don’t want to see you in my office ever again,” junmyeon winks at him conspiratorially, waving as the tall boy pads down the carpeted hallway in his beat-up black converse sneakers. “get better soon, okay? if you ever feel the need to visit me again, you can always make another appointment, no problem. don’t ever hesitate to ask for help.”
“okay, hyung,” jongin smiles, lifting a hand in response. “i hope i never see you again,” he replies cheekily and junmyeon rolls his eyes in exasperation before beaming at him once again and shutting the door to his office.
the grin fading off his face as the door closes, jongin continues walking down the hallway, only stopping to ask the receptionist for the nearest restroom. after entering and locking himself into a stall, he fishes around in his pocket for the transparent plastic pocket of pills before opening the bag and upending it over the toilet bowl, flushing it down the toilet hastily before he can regret his decision.
“hey, baek? can you hear me?”
end
+ I really apologise to anyone I might have offended with this fic, what with the mental illness & cutting mentioned ;___; I know those are pretty sensitive topics and I don’t know anything about psychology, please forgive me for any errors/offense!!
+ I wanted to talk about onstage kai and offstage jongin right like a sort of character study kind of thing but then uh this plot happened idk. also I wanted to write lukai but then…. baekai happened
+ clarification if needed: the first meeting in junmyeon’s office happened when jongin was still himself, still capable of rational thought. that was one of the last times he was rly himself. then, as the fic progressed, he started missing baekhyun more and more, hence deluding himself into thinking that ‘baekhyun’ was rly in his mind when actually, it was his brain twisting reality and making up a figure that didn’t exist bc jongin just missed baek too much. yeah and then at the end, I guess jongin just didn’t like the idea of baek leaving him forever, even if it wasn’t the real baekhyun. jongin is a real insecure kid, okay, don’t judge him. he’s sad enough.
+ this fic was a monster to write. I began this on 8th dec and what it’s been almost 3 weeks of keyboard smashing /kicks