Fanfic: Babe
Title: Babe
Claim: Shinn Asuka x Cagalli Yula Athha
Genres: Romance/angst/drama
Pairings: Shinn x Cagalli
Rating: T
Summary: I don’t belong here for sure, I can feel it. But still… something’s calling me to come back.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Mobile Suit Gundam SEED/DESTINY or any of its characters
A/N Hello everyone. This is Kit2000 and my very first ( Read more... )
Comments 2
thanks for sharing the fic. It's a pretty quiet piece with just the right a dash of melancholy/self-searching mixed in. A typo: 'disconnect button', not 'bottom' LOL ^_^ Overall, I enjoyed it.
Since you asked for some feedback, here's my 2 sen:
First off, you need to use paragraphs. It makes reading easier and also give visual impact. Rule of thumb: a new paragraph for each conversation.
Second, writing as first person is very tricky and it's very easy to fall into a cheesy mode (I have written more than my fair share of cheesy stuff; I can open a cheese stall :D ). I didn't detect any cheese in the fic, so good for you! Lastly, you should try to write it in the present tense; the piece should become more lively & vibrant.
Cheers! ~ zeddy
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I appreciate your point of view, it really helped me to understand some things.
One question. What is a cheesy mode?? My fic is a songfic and it has beed sung from the first person. That's why I wrote Babe in the first person as well))
Hope, you would like to read my next works and I'll do my best to improve them!!
thank you for good advice!!!!!!!!!
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