[Fic] Gokusen: untitled zombie!crackfic
Title: [untitled zombie crack!fic]
Author: anenko
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Ah ha ha. That is to say, not a one.
Summary: Hordes of the shuffling, moaning undead were laying siege to Shirokin.
Disclaimers: Gokusen in no way, shape or form belongs to me.
Note: Crack!fic written for a challenge at brokemycaps.
Hordes of the shuffling, moaning undead were laying siege to Shirokin. It made for a very negative learning environment. Her students were always a handful, but they had never before been so bold as to bring baseball bats into her class. And was that. . .
“Minami! Put away that ax right this instant!” Kumiko said.
“But,” Minami protested, “there are zombies outside, Yankumi!”
The other boys nodded in agreement. They were all wild-eyed and white-knuckled in terror. Kuma had a protective arm wrapped around his stomach, and had developed a nervous twitch every time he heard the floor creak. Even Sawada looked uneasy.
Sawada pushed back from his desk, and rose to his feet. “Idiot, we shouldn’t be holding math class during a zombie invasion!” he said. “We should be doing something useful--”
“Like hiding,” Noda said.
“--like preparing to hold off hordes of hungry zombies!”
Kumiko stared at her beloved students in dismay. “One should always make time for learning,” she protested. “Without knowledge, life is grey and dreary and worthless! What if Shirokin is being attacked by zombies? If we decide to abandon our education every time we run into trouble, we’re hardly any better than those mindless creatures!”
Uchi’s voice was strained when he spoke. “Yankumi, they’re going to eat our brains.”
Kumiko leapt onto the nearest desk, and stared down at her frightened students. Her precious students needed her encouragement and guidance during these dark times. Her strength would have to be their strength as well.
“Hardly!” Kumiko said. “They would need to be desperate to eat your brains--you guys would be nothing more than empty calories!”
“Is she calling us stupid?” Noda muttered.
“I think so,” Minami said.
Shin’s mouth twisted in disbelief. “I don’t think that’s how it works,” he told Kumiko. “It doesn’t matter how stupid these guys are; the zombies won’t care.”
“Tch,” Kumiko said. “You boys are too young and unworldly to realize that everyone cares about your intelligence! Good grades and a well-developed intellect will open doors everywhere. Failure at this most important stage of your life will have long-lasting consequences that you will need to struggle to overcome for years--if not for your entire life!”
“We won’t have much of a life to worry about if those zombies break through the gates,” Shin said, unmoved by Kumiko’s impassioned speech.
Kumiko stared at Shin for a long moment. “Sawada,” she sighed, “I had expected better of you.” She hopped off the desk she was standing on, and marched over to Minami, grabbing the ax off of his desk. It was a good ax, Kumiko noted, testing the blade with her thumb.
“I don’t encourage bringing weapons to a fight,” Kumiko told her class, “as it provides an unfair advantage and is something only a coward would do, but these are unusual circumstances. . . ” She set her glasses on Minami’s desk, and removed her pigtails. “There is nothing I’m unwilling to do for the safety and peace of mind of my beloved students!”
Class 3-D stared at Kumiko in mingled awe and horror.
“You aren’t seriously going to fight the zombies by yourself!” Sawada said, voice loud in the silence of the classroom.
Kumiko beamed at him. “While I’m gone, I want you to guide the class through the exercises on the handout I gave you this morning. I’m counting on you, Sawada! Remember, a good education is the best gift you can give yourselves!”
As Kumiko shut the door behind her, she heard Kuma’s worried voice: “do you really think she can win, Shin?”
“She’s Yankumi,” Sawada said.
Of course she’d have to chide them for skipping class later on, Kumiko thought as her class came thundering after her, baseball bats and tire irons in hand.