lipstick stained cigarettes
lipstick stained cigarettes; 1707, pg15
(het!ontae) do not own!
a.n: long overdue fic for uti ;D IM SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG ;_____; but my muse left me for chicken and i got stuck with homework. i tried, i really tried. im not sure if it has the effect that i wanted but its as angsty as i can get. D: i dont really like angst ;___;
tell me what you want to hear, something that'll light those ears,
i'm sick of all the insincere, so i'm gonna give all my secrets away.
Jinki weaves his way through the thumping crowd, hot air seeping into his shirt. His eyes roam the sea of people as he moved his body to the music, rubbing against strangers who he would probably never see again. Strangers whom he would exchange sly smirks and brief glances with, strangers who could tell that he's had an exhausting day at work, strangers who knew he had roughly pulled off his tie and threw it onto the passenger seat, next to his briefcase during the drive here, strangers who knew he unbuttoned the top two buttons on his shirt before heading in. Strangers that felt the same way he did.
But today, one stranger caught his eye. Or his hand. Either way, it caught Jinki off guard. Sure, people grabbed his arms or caressed his butt cheeks, but no one ever held his hand. She took his hands and twirled herself, giggling in a way that Jinki knew wasn't how a young teenager like her should. But in the beauty of that alone had Jinki enraptured. In the brief two seconds she had looked at him, eyes crinkling, he noted her shining pale skin and red lipstick. They moved against each other, as if they didn't have a care in the world. Just as Jinki was about to lean in and ask her for her name, she attaches herself onto him, cutting him off (I'm Jinki, and you --). At first, he freezes, and his hands previously on her waist drop. Around them, strangers are laughing and dancing and jumping. All Jinki can hear is his heart beat before everything comes rushing back when he feels something wet on his neck, her hot breath hitting his skin. And because he is a man, and a girl has her arms wrapped around his neck, crying, he thinks it's only logical for him to put his arms around her and offer what little (comfort, kindness, love) he has to give. The moment he does that, it shatters and all his senses are halted to a stop again. She pushes him away, and for a second, he sees her slightly puffy red eyes before she turns and leaves, disappearing into the crowd. Jinki reaches out and calls for her, before he realizes he didn't even know her name.
Taeyeon laughs at herself for being so pathetic. Who was she to break down like that? And in front of a total stranger too. She had made a promise to herself, no matter what, she had to hold her head up high because men were useless creatures who broke hearts and haunted memories. She drinks and drinks and drinks, her thoughts drifting back to the boy, who called himself Jinki. Nobody ever offer her anything, and if they did, it was for sex. Taeyeon briefly wonders if he has a really big heart or is just really stupid.
After she marooned him in the middle of dance floor, Jinki is left there, thinking how-oh-how did he let her slip away. When he saw her red eyes, in all his innocence and purity, he had never seen someone so broken. And in that same innocence and purity, he felt that it was his job to gather up all the pieces and put her back together. He knew the girl he saw crying wasn't the same girl he first saw in the school skirt too short to be called one. Jinki spots her at the bar and for a moment, he just watches the nameless beauty down drink after drink after drink. He watches her with sad eyes as she takes a lit cigarette and places it between her lips. He mentally takes a note of telling her that smoking is very bad for you and that you shouldn't do it as he walks over with all the courage he can muster up.
Jinki wants to turn and run and never come back again when he raises his hand to tap her on the shoulder and he almost does but alas, she turns around when his arm was suspended in midway, body already turning away. At first, she looks at him like he's out of this world, but then a smirk quickly finds its way onto her face when Jinki smiles sheepishly, lowering his hand and scratching the back of his head with the other. She asks him what he wants.
"I, uh, I think, no, I mean, I know, t-that, um, smokingisreallybadforyou."
"So?" comes her cool reply, and to Jinki's horror, she takes another puff out of her cigarette.
-
Jinki doesn't know how it happened, but they end up back in his apartment, Taeyeon hanging off of Jinki. Jinki leads her to the living room, where she falls onto the couch, her shirt falling a bit more open. Jinki rushes to the kitchen to get her a glass of water, remembering vaguely of the lipstick stained cigarette he saw her put down before she pulled him out onto the dance floor and got all drunk afterwards.
He brings it out of the kitchen, concentrating on not spilling the contents within the cup. When he reaches to Taeyeon, she has her forearm over her eyes and forehead, face red from all the alcohol. He stands in front of her and offers the cup of warm water. He smiles when she accepts it. When she puts it down, Jinki puts his hand onto her forehead because it felt like it was the right thing to do. He blushes and withdraws his hand, failing when Taeyeon holds onto his wrist. He pulls too hard and it he falls back, bringing her with him. He hisses when his body makes contact with the floor, Taeyeon giggling on top of him.
Without thinking, he reaches up to tug a few strands of her hair behind her ear and she stops giggling. No one ever showed her affection, no one ever did that. They only pulled her hair and called her names she didn't want to be called. She grasps the front of Jinki's shirt and pulls him towards her, crashing their lips together. And then one thing leads to another.
-
"Say that y-you love me, s-say it. Please," she pants. Please, lie to me; make me feel like I'm worth something.
And without thinking (he hasn't been doing much of that this evening), maybe it was a spur of the moment thing, he replies back, "I l-love you."
He pulls back just in time to see her sad, pathetic lopsided smile and immediately regrets it, nuzzling into her neck. "No, nononono, if it's going to make you feel like that, then I don't, I take it back," he almost whimpers. For the first time in months, the smile on Taeyeon's face is genuine. "Thank you." And they just lie there, until a squeeze and a suck on Jinki's neck set them off again.
It's frenzied and wild, unlike the kind of sex with his girlfriend of five years. Jinki wants it, he needs it. It's rushed and desperate, but right. He wants this to last, he wants them to last, he wants to fix her, and he wants her to feel loved because he is loving her. They come, screaming each other's name. Jinki falls on top of her, rolling to the side, exhausted. He feels her hand tighten around his own and kisses her, nice and slow, trying to convey thousands of silent messages of stay with me, trust me, I'll love you right. The last thing he sees before drifting off to sleep is his own white dress shirt, its collar stained with her red lipstick. He doesn't even think of his girlfriend.
-
Taeyeon wakes up the next morning, an arm draped over her chest. She turns and sees Jinki's sleeping face, mouth slightly opened. Events of last night flooding back, she smiles a little before realizing someone's embrace is not somewhere she belonged, especially when he was so willing. She would only hurt him trying to protect herself. She lifts his arm off of her slowly, Jinki stirring in his sleep.
"Where are you going?" he asks with a sleepy voice, eyes closed.
"I'm just going to the washroom. I'm not going anywhere," she whispers. Another perfect lie. She almost feels bad when he replies a soft okay.
-
Jinki wakes up to an empty bed, realizing she had gone. He falters a little before remembering she was in the washroom. He kicks off the covers and heads to the washroom with a bright smile, ready to hug her from behind because they did have something after last night. Right? He opens the door.
"Hey, I'm coming -"
The washroom was empty. It’s cold and empty, mocking Jinki of the things he'll never have. Jinki knew it, he knew it. He was such an idiot for thinking she'd actually stay. He closes the door, the click resonating through the tiny apartment as Jinki walked back to his room. His eyes landed on his white dress shirt from last night and he picks it up. Tears begin to form in his eyes and he tries to blink them back but he couldn't because how could he be so stupidly naive? Thinking he could actually help her and to even think of getting her to stay. And even if he did manage to make her stay, all he would probably get a telephone number that never worked, a smile that was never real and a heart that was never his. His vision blurred and the lipstick stain on his shirt turned into a puddle of red. The front door unlocks and Jinki wipes his tears away with the back of his hands.
"Jinki, I'm back. Miss me?" a voice rings out from outside.
Jinki crumples his shirt and throws it under his bed. He looks at himself in the mirror, both hands in front of his face. He opens them and his usual smile is back but his eyes say otherwise. It hurts. It hurts to look at himself but he has to. Jinki heads out of the room, deciding that that smile was good enough.
"Yeah, I did."
Another perfect lie.
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